Almost Sucks
by Mashiro
Summary: [AU, NaruSasu] It is love at first sight when Naruto meets his new neighbor Sasuke and no amount of foul attitude can change his mind. A story about growing up, about family and about that love thing.
1. Pretend it's perfect when it sucks

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 5th 2006, Thursday  
second version: June 13th 2008, Friday

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This was my first fan fiction series and it started out quite simple. I just wanted to put Naruto and Sasuke in an AU setting and get them together. I thought it would take ten or fifteen chapters and three months of writing at most. 22 months of writing and 63 chapters later, I had a story about falling in love, about family, about growing up and the struggle of coming to terms with yourself.

The first version of this story was posted on FanFictiondotNet between January 2006 and October, 2007, but because 22 months had a huge impact on my writing and the story (and because I'm a perfectionist), I couldn't just finish and leave the story as it was. This is the second and final version and I've tried to fix weirdness not just in grammar and typos, but also in characterizations, actions, events, age, time... Yeah. Lots and lots of thanks to my wonderful beta Allys777 for helping me out. This second and final version (Almost Sucks 2008) will be posted here and on AFFdotnet simultaneously.

If you read this story to the end you will come across: fifteen-year-olds smoking, using bad language, getting drugged, drinking and occasionally having sex. There is also an occasion with twelve-year-olds drinking and a fourteen-year-old failing to say no to drugs. However, I have done my utmost to keep the content posted here within the site's regulations. If you see a chapter labeled "**FFdotNet version**", you will know that a full version of that chapter has been posted elsewhere for interested legal adults. With some of them I might have been a bit too careful, leaving out things that I could have kept here, but I like being on the safe side. Directions to those other versions can be found on my profile.

Oh, and until all new chapters have been posted, chapters with this layout are new ones, chapters with other layouts are old. You can also see it if you look at the first version, second version part above. Check for 2008 dates.

I really hope that you will all enjoy reading!

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**01: Pretend it's perfect when it sucks**

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Sasuke felt like his insides were crawling around inside his stomach, now and then clawing at the back of his throat as if trying to get out. It wasn't very nice. It wasn't very logical either. Unless, of course, no one had bothered informing the insides that the outside was the reason they were upset in the first place. Someone could have decided they were better off not knowing, Sasuke could understand that. If he had been given a chance to not know he would have jumped at that chance like a man on fire jumped at water.

There were many reasons why the outside was upsetting. The cold milk and the straight-from-the-oven fresh cinnamon buns, still hot enough to have steam rising from them; the overfriendly smiles that never got turned off and the polite words that had been scraping at Sasuke's ears since he came; the cozy furniture and the pictures on the walls showing a small but happy family, a cute childhood and a bunch of perfect summers spent in the country side; the white tablecloth with red strawberries that looked like it was handmade. Sasuke had always had trouble handling situations and expressions that were faked.

The guy sitting across from Sasuke at the table was not necessarily fake, but disturbing nonetheless. He was staring and didn't seem aware of it, like someone important had suddenly left the office in his brain to have lunch. His eyes had a glazed over look and there was milk stuck at the corner of his mouth, as if he was drooling the stuff. If it hadn't been for the guy's energy and talk before, Sasuke would have guessed he was a serious retard; the drooling, grunting and eating soup through a straw kind. Maybe it would have been better for the guy if he had been a serious retard, at least then he would have had an excuse to act like one. He was probably Sasuke's age, but his eyes made him look younger; blue, very blue; the color mostly only found on babies and contacts. Oh, and he was blond, go figure. Hopefully this damned place was big enough to have more than one school (or at least more than one class) and hopefully Sasuke would get to be as far away from blond retard neighbor guy as possible.

Sasuke had just moved to the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood in the perfect fucking town. His guardian, Kakashi, had claimed that Sasuke needed a stable and safe environment to grow up in. The city was too dangerous for fifteen year olds it seemed. Fourteen, thirteen, twelve, all the way down to eight years old were perfectly safe. Fifteen? Noo... At fifteen you were too old to take of yourself. Though, to be perfectly honest (and because of the general aura of this place it was hard to control yourself), that probably had never been the real reason Kakashi pulled his foster child up by the roots and dragged him half across the country (well, sort of...), away from his friends and home; he had probably just felt it would be a fucked up thing to do. Kakashi liked doing fucked up things to mess with people's heads, especially Sasuke's. He'd never gone as far as to trash Sasuke's life this much before, but there was a first time for everything. Sasuke had liked living in the city. The people in the city never pretended life and the stuff in it were perfect. They knew they weren't and weren't afraid to face it. Sasuke had had friends in the city. He had had fun. Kakashi was a bastard.

Kakashi was also a pervert that wasted no time. They had just arrived yesterday and he had already found a neighbor to harass, three perfect houses down the street. Why it had to be a single father to an acting-like-a-retard-without-a­-good-excuse blond, Sasuke had no idea. This guy was nothing like the guys Kakashi usually went for; he looked more like a housewife than the teacher he claimed he was. Yes, at first it would seem the scar across his nose messed up the image, but it didn't necessarily have to. The man could have had a day when he was clumsy with the kitchen knife. Sasuke wouldn't be surprised if he was the one that had made the tablecloth. After all, he had already confessed to the crime that was the cinnamon buns. Umino 'call me Iruka' Iruka-san. Maybe Kakashi just wanted to adjust to his surroundings. 'When in a perfect neighborhood, go after men that look like housewives.'

"Say, Iruka-san, these buns," Kakashi said and the very tone of his voice made Sasuke close his eyes, choke down a shudder of embarrassment and force his intestines away from his throat. "They're really... delicious. Can I have the recipe?"

It was the way he said it. Well, in a way it was what he said too, because since when did grown men discuss cinnamon bun recipes in the middle of the day with no alcohol involved? But mostly it was how. As if he were wearing a lot less clothes and saying something else entirely, in a place where no drooling minors could hear him. How long had he known this guy? Fifteen, twenty minutes? (Couldn't be much more than that, even though it felt like they'd been sitting here for hours.) Sasuke knew very well that Kakashi had no shame, but it still surprised him when it showed. And the bastard actually had guys falling for him. It should be some law against bad flirting that worked.

Iruka blushed and scratched his neck nervously. That damned annoying smile stuck to his mouth like fungus.

"Ah, of course," he almost stammered. "I keep it in my head, but I'll try to get it out."

Then he laughed. Kakashi laughed too. Sasuke wanted to crawl between the perfect floorboards and rot. How the hell could bun talk work? Or maybe the guy was just too clueless to get it. Maybe he thought Kakashi really wanted his bun recipe; he certainly looked naïve enough. Was there no way to wipe away that frustrating smile of his? Spill Kakashi's plans for the inside of his pants? Wasn't like the bastard didn't deserve some payback.

Why was Sasuke here anyway? Oh, yes, Kakashi had threatened to lock up his CDs. Sasuke had no idea why it was so important that he came, but there had been something in the way Kakashi had acted that said it was. Maybe suffering foster sons were like puppies with housewife men. While he had known the CD threat was an empty one (the man would never be evil enough to go through with it), Sasuke had sighed and put his shoes on. The move must have temporarily softened him.

The drooling blond finally woke up from his staring with a jerk, finished his cinnamon bun before taking a fourth from the bun basket. Iruka's attention was drawn away from Kakashi's flirting and sent the bun grabber a look of as much displeasure as could be shown in front of guests. For a second the fungus smile was gone and without it he didn't look as much like a clueless housewife that embroidered tablecloths. Unfortunately it was back so quickly that it made little difference. Iruka moved the bun basket closer to Sasuke.

"Are you sure you don't want one, Sasuke-kun?"

"Yes," Sasuke said.

He had refused the first time the basket was pushed his way too, wasn't a warm-cinnamon-buns-and-cold-milk guy. He'd accepted the milk only because Kakashi's glare had been so insistent and just that had taken a lot of willpower to get down his throat. Like the first time his homemade buns had been turned down, Iruka's smile faltered and he looked disappointed, but Sasuke didn't care and Kakashi's glares couldn't make him. Coming here was one thing, pretending he was a happy to have come was something else.

"He doesn't eat much," Kakashi said, suddenly sounding serious and worried. While the other two almost certainly wouldn't notice, Sasuke could smell the payback. Damned bastard...

"I suppose we did eat before we left," Kakashi continued, his forehead wrinkled and his eyes sad. "Some... hours before."

Iruka looked terribly worried. The drooling blond looked interested too, though his attention wandered from Kakashi to Sasuke and back and forth again, while Iruka's never left Kakashi.

"Really?" Iruka said.

"Yes. Unfortunately. He's so thin..."

Sasuke shut off his ears then and the conversation turned to a garbled background noise. Sasuke liked sounds. He liked drowning in them, letting them blend together and surround him. Cars, the subway and its announcements, automatic doors and escalators, traffic light sounds. The humming of buildings, crowds. Footsteps, the murmur of people talking in supermarkets, malls or the city square. Vendors yelling to get their merchandise sold. Music. Birds.

City.

It was comforting. Having so many different sounds around you that you almost couldn't tell which one came from where. So many different sounds mixing together that they turned into one sound.

Here though, in this place, during the almost-a-day he had been here, Sasuke had found that the sounds frustrated him. They felt empty and cheap compared to the sounds in the city. There was never enough sound; a few here and there, just not enough. Sasuke's ears had spent most of the almost-a-day covered with headphones.

"Naruto, why don't you show Sasuke-kun your room?"

Sasuke looked up at the mentioning of his name. At Iruka first, then, when the drooling blond rose from his chair, at him. Naruto. The 'contact' blue eyes met his.

"Sure!"

Naruto smiled. His teeth showed and his nose wrinkled. He must have lost the milk by his mouth when Sasuke wasn't looking because there was no trace of it now. Sasuke felt a surge of something that had to be horror sweep down his spine. He looked at Kakashi and found the man looking pleased. Of course. Pleased to get rid of the minors. Pervert.

"Go on, Sasuke. And be good."

"You be good," Sasuke muttered under his breath as he got to his feet.

Naruto snatched a fifth and sixth bun from the bun basket, earned another glare from Iruka, then off he went. Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets and followed, sending one last 'damn you for getting me into this' glare at Kakashi.

"I'm on the second floor," Naruto almost yelled over his shoulder as he started up the stairs.

'I could never have guessed...' Sasuke would have sighed, if he hadn't been afraid the blond would misunderstand it as him wanting a conversation. Naruto's voice was too loud and Sasuke did not want a headache added to the list of things to curse. The steps of the stairs creaked under their feet.

Naruto's room had posters on the walls. Schoolbooks, comics, scrunched up paper, pens and plastic robot models fought over the space on the desk, floor and bed. The armchair in the corner was home to a big pile of what seemed to have once been washed and folded clothes. Other, more or less dirty clothes had been tossed pretty much everywhere; Sasuke wrinkled his nose at what probably was underwear under the desk. But while any other day it would have been too messy, after the fake perfection that was the rest of the house (and the neighborhood, and the town), the room was like a sigh of relief.

Iruka must have been pretty desperate to get them out of the kitchen, suggesting Naruto show this room to Sasuke. Wasn't it supposed to be some kind of deadly sin to let your guests see messy rooms in perfect neighborhoods? Naruto didn't seem to know that though.

"Hang on a second!" the blond jumped over things and got to the armchair in the corner. Put his cinnamon buns on the desk and then took the pile of once folded clothes in his arms and dumped it on the floor half a step away.

"Here!" Naruto spun around and grinned. "You can sit...!"

The invitation was cut short as Naruto noticed Sasuke already sitting on the floor. For some reason Sasuke wanted to play good guest and accept the guy's eager hospitality about as much as he wanted to live the rest of his life on Iruka's cinnamon buns. He raised a brow and gave Naruto a look that said just that.

The former drooling blond had stumbled on his trail of actions and for a second he just stood frowning and mouth half-open. When he had recovered enough, he gave a hesitant smile and a shrug and sat down in the armchair himself.

"Or sit on the floor," he said, his voice having lowered to normal speech volume. It didn't sound nearly as screechy.

For a moment they sat there, half a room between them. Naruto was fiddling with his hands and his toes; sometimes looking at Sasuke, sometimes looking at something else. Sasuke was trying to ignore a hard, pointy thing of unknown identity sticking into his thigh because he didn't want to lose his cool by shifting.

"So, you're... from the city?" Naruto's voice had gained new strength, but not enough that he was back to almost yelling. The amount of words made up for the lowered volume however.

"How was it? Where did you live? You're my age, right? I'm fourteen. And a half. How...?"

"Fifteen," Sasuke interrupted, before he had to punch the guy.

For a second Naruto looked surprised, and interrupted. Then he smiled again. His teeth showed.

"Okay! I'll be fifteen too soon. October. Maybe we'll be in the same class!"

'Let's hope not...' Sasuke's mind muttered.

Naruto fiddled for a moment again, before jerking in 'oh, yeah!' and reaching for the buns he'd left on the desk.

"Want one?" he asked cheerfully and held one of the buns out for Sasuke to take, as if he'd completely missed the two times Iruka had asked before. Sasuke stared and wondered how long it would take before the blond took the hint, then decided he didn't care.

"No."

Naruto's grin faltered just like Iruka's smile had done. When could Sasuke get out of here? How long until the bastard downstairs was done flirting? But the grin recovered, just like Iruka's smile had. Iruka had given them different last names during introductions at the door, but Sasuke still could have sworn they were related somehow. Just living together did not give two people that much in common; at least Sasuke desperately hoped so.

"That's okay, I can eat two!"

Naruto was back to the almost yelling again. He stuffed his mouth full of bun and made a happy sound that sent sugar crystals flying and probably translated to 'see!' Sasuke wasn't sure, of course; it could have been 'he!' or 'me!' or 'fee!' Sasuke didn't talk speak-with-your-mouth-stuffed. There had to be something wrong with this guy. Sasuke decided that he had had just about as much as he could handle without nicotine and fished a somewhat crumpled pack of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket.

"Don't bother saying you mind," he muttered around the cigarette in his mouth. He glanced up to find Naruto staring at him like he'd sprouted wings or an extra head. It looked both pretty comical and pretty disgusting in combination with his cinnamon bun filled mouth. Sasuke snorted amused, the proximity to satisfied addiction cheering him up slightly, then flicked the lighter. He was already starting to feel the tingle of relief that came from nicotine. Yeah, smoking inside was a no-no, even Kakashi was firm on that, but Sasuke didn't feel like caring. It must have been the cinnamon bun that delayed the shout; bad timing and all that.

"What are you doing!?"

The first lung full of heavenly smoke hit Sasuke's system at the same time as Naruto flew at him, resulting in too slow reactions and Sasuke unable to dodge. The force behind Naruto's flight was so great that Sasuke was pushed down hard on his back and if the blond hadn't grabbed the cigarette Sasuke could have choked on it. The half-eaten cinnamon bun and the lighter landed somewhere in the room.

Sasuke didn't really care though, about being almost choked to death or his new retarded neighbor sitting on him, spewing words like 'crap!' and 'oh, man!' while putting out one of Sasuke's last precious cigarettes against a nearby comic book. Sasuke cared about his back, about a spot between his right shoulder blade and his spine. And he cared about the pain. For a moment, there was nothing in Sasuke's mind but the pain. He had to grind his teeth together hard to keep himself from screaming before he'd grabbed the right word. Just screaming was girly, after all.

"Fuck!"

Kakashi and Iruka's party must have been interrupted downstairs and Naruto flinched as his ear took the full blow of the scream, but Sasuke couldn't have cared less. He threw the neighbor off him with the ease that he usually threw off blankets and staggered to his feet, his left hand trying to grip at his back over his right shoulder, his eyes frantically searching the floor where he had fallen. Sasuke just barely registered Naruto's worried, definitely-a-yell-now 'what!' and the 'is everything okay?' shout from downstairs. Then he saw it.

It was pathetically small really for that much pain, not much bigger than a hand. Looked like some kind of hard plastic. Hellishly hard. It was orange with big arms and big legs and a very pointy gun sticking out from the shoulder. Sasuke could swear he felt blood trickle down his back. He kicked the robot model hard, too angry to care about his feet, and his lips curled into a smile as the thing broke against the wall. Then he turned and stomped away.

Sasuke passed Iruka half-way down the stairs and ignored his worried 'what's wrong?' and 'what happened?' At the bottom he passed Kakashi and aimed a kick at the bastard's closest shin. With a snarled 'I'm leaving!' and without bothering to put on his sneakers properly, Sasuke left Umino Iruka and Uzumaki Naruto's house, slamming the door hard as he did.

Enough was enough. He was being childish probably, he told himself that as he quickly crossed the lawn and then the street without looking. No need to look when there weren't any cars. This place was pathetic. As he walked toward the house that Kakashi expected him to call home, Sasuke took in the spotless streets and flawless lawns; the late July sun shining; kids screaming and laughing, taking their bikes off homemade jumps some houses away. Perfect living, perfect existence. Sasuke snorted, finally lifted his hand from his back and made a face at the blood. It had been one of his good shirts too.

Sasuke arrived at the door that was supposed to be his and found it locked. He felt his pockets and found no cigarettes; must have dropped them on the floor in pushing-guests-on-robot-models-from-hell-neighbor Naruto's room. Brilliant. Sasuke swore and sank down with his back against the door. His wound complained and the blood probably smeared, but pain could be ignored and Kakashi could have a bloodied door for bothering to lock it.

In what perfect neighborhood did you lock your front door when going to visit your neighbors three houses away? In the morning on a Sunday? But then again, since when did Kakashi need good reasons?

Maybe the day was just supposed to suck.

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	2. Nothing like home

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 11th 2006, Wednesday  
second version: June 17th 2008, Tuesday

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The Bleeding Heart is called Ödesträd (Odestrad) in Swedish, which translates to Tree of Fate, and _Clerodendrum thomsoniae_ in Latin. There is a link to a picture of my Bleeding Heart in my profile.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**02: Nothing like home**

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Kakashi came strolling some ten minutes later, hands in his pockets, looking like just another lazy Sunday morning. That combined with a soft, content smile and Sasuke suspected there had been more to the cinnamon buns than just cinnamon.

Usually when Sasuke messed up Kakashi's seduction attempts there was lots of yelling from both sides about things that were and were not relevant to that particular situation. Whether it was a punishment or if Kakashi just wanted an end to the yelling, Sasuke didn't know, but those yellings always ended with him being kicked out of the apartment with a dinner or midnight curfew, depending on when he was kicked out. It could be that the kicking out part was Kakashi wanting an end to the yelling and the curfew part was the punishment; because those were the only days Sasuke had a time when he had to be home. But there would be no yelling and kicking Sasuke out with a dinner curfew this Sunday, fortunately. Sasuke had a fresh bout of intestine crawling just thinking about spending an entire afternoon out here.

Kakashi stopped by the mailbox and tilted up his head as if he was suddenly terribly interested in the sky. When the interest had faded he gave a sigh of more content and aimed his drug-induced-looking smile at Sasuke.

"That went well."

"I hate your new flirt," Sasuke glared back.

"I'm sure he will grow on you," Kakashi said and came closer again without losing even a fraction of his smile. "Those buns were amazing, you missed something."

Yes, it sure seemed like Sasuke did. Maybe that was the key to the perfection tainting this place. Homemade desserts spiked with happy drugs. The neighbor blond overdosed, that was why he acted like a retard.

"Just shut up and open the door," Sasuke muttered and got his feet.

Kakashi reached the door and his smile grew a little less intense, his eyes a bit more concerned.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, open the door."

"You're all bloody."

"Open the door!"

Sasuke missed the yelling. This lack of concern where concern should be and excess of it where should be nothing was making him itchy. He wanted away from the sun, away from this place that wasn't home. It was easier to pretend he wasn't here when there were walls around him and blaring music in his ears.

Kakashi's smile almost disappeared, but the concern stayed in the wrong place. Still no anger, the man almost looked sad; Sasuke should punch him. It was almost worse than the good mood. Without Kakashi taking his eyes off Sasuke, the key was fished out of a pocket and pushed into the lock. It was turned and the lock made a click that sounded nothing like coming home. Sasuke was grateful that he was so angry, otherwise he might have... The door opened and creaked in the wrong places.

"He won't grow on me," Sasuke mumbled and slipped past Kakashi to get inside. The flirts only lasted a couple of weeks anyway. Barely enough time for mold to grow on bread.

Sasuke got his shoes off and was on his way away when Kakashi grabbed a hold of his collar.

"Hold on there a moment, moody teenager."

"Fucking...! Let go of me!"

Kakashi dragged him into the kitchen and neither wriggling nor attempts to kick and throw punches helped. Sasuke was pushed close to the counter, hands bracing against the smooth surface that felt nothing like kitchen counters should feel. He drew in a breath with a hiss when Kakashi pressed a finger against the wound on his back.

"What did you do?" the man mumbled, voice low and soft, concerned.

"I did nothing," Sasuke muttered, his voice had fallen low too. "That... retard just doesn't know how to clean his room."

"Naruto-kun..." Kakashi said his name like 'remember it'. Poked extra hard at the wound and drew another hissed breath from Sasuke. "...seemed like a nice guy."

Sasuke threw out a fist at the man's side but Kakashi dodged without taking his hands off Sasuke. Damned long arms.

"As if you were paying any attention to him," Sasuke muttered.

"As if you were."

"I didn't want to be there."

"Don't worry, they noticed."

Kakashi gripped the edges of Sasuke's shirt and pulled.

"Off."

"No."

"Come on," Kakashi sighed. Tired. Frustrated. "Just let me bandage you."

There was something in his voice then that suddenly made it difficult for the anger to flow through Sasuke. It stumbled, wondered what it was doing and felt bad. He tried to tell himself that Kakashi was the bastard and deserved whatever Sasuke threw at him for bringing them out here to this pathetic place, but... the anger kept stumbling. Eventually Sasuke shrugged away from the counter and Kakashi's hands. It was easy when he wasn't violent.

"Fine. If you can find the band-aids."

"I'll search the bathroom boxes," Kakashi sighed and walked away.

Sasuke watched his back and then the empty doorway until the rummaging started in the bathroom.

They were still in the middle of unpacking. Moving boxes were everywhere and closets, cupboards, drawers were still appropriately empty. The place was a mess. Whether you wanted to go to the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom, the front door, there were always boxes and things not yet put in order to step over or around. Sasuke had hit his toes on cardboard corners so many times they should be blue from bruises; but he didn't want them to be emptied and put away.

Sasuke pulled the shirt over his head, studied the back of it and found a small, newly-poked hole and blood having soaked the fabric around and beneath it. He snarled and tossed the piece of clothing to the floor. A heartbeat later Kakashi came back with band aid and a wet towel. Not waiting to be told, Sasuke sat down at the table; glanced at the crumpled dark blotch on the floor among kitchen moving boxes. He had liked that shirt.

Kakashi sat down behind him and the first dab was cold, the second was welcome. The pressing alternated from harder below the wound, where the blood had trickled on skin, to soft, soft where the plastic gun or spear or whatever the hell it had been had penetrated. The mood calmed as the blood was wiped away.

"Tell me how a messy room caused this," Kakashi's voice was soft and there was tentative amusement playing around the edges of it. "Lego?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He felt like a weakling for letting a gentle hand lure his frustration away, or at least the need to vent his frustration. 'Remember whose fault it is you're here,' he tried to tell himself, but... It was the middle of the day and he felt tired to the bones.

"Toy robot."

"A toy robot messed you up?"

"I messed it up back," Sasuke muttered.

Kakashi chuckled and the band-aid was pressed in place.

"Good for you."

A soft moment of doing nothing passed and Sasuke could feel Kakashi's presence. His back was chilled where the moist towel had wandered and the wound throbbed. Then it was over. Kakashi stood and stretched and then he left, saying there were things that wanted to be unpacked.

Sasuke stayed for some more moments, seated at the table, looking at the walls and wanting to rip the ugly wallpaper off them; listening to Kakashi unpacking and wishing he would stop. When he couldn't take it anymore he went back to the room that was supposed to be his.

He actually liked the room. If he could have cut it out of the house and moved it back to their apartment in the city, he would have loved it. The colors were subdued; dark, but without turning the place into a dungeon; one window faced the backyard and one faced the street. The main reason Sasuke would have loved the room if he could have moved it back home to the city was the built-in CD storage. One of the walls had been transformed into what almost looked like a shrine for music. There was space designed for CDs and LPs and even DVDs and big enough to store a collection three maybe even four times bigger than Sasuke's; and Sasuke did not have a small collection.

The first time Sasuke saw it he had literally stood staring with his mouth open and he wasn't embarrassed to admit it; that was how cool the thing was. And that was why the music had been the hardest thing not to unpack. While he missed his stereo, horribly, it was clumsy and neatly packed down and easier to resist. But when he saw all that empty space in the music shrine Sasuke had physically itched to try and see how his collections liked it in there.

Still, so far he had been able to resist. His boxes still stood untouched in the room that he would have loved 'if only...' Unpacking meant accepting and Sasuke didn't want to accept that this was his home now. It wasn't his home; didn't matter what Kakashi said. This was only temporary insanity on the man's part. It had to be.

So Sasuke only took out what he needed when he needed it. Toothbrush, clothes, CDs, portable CD player, headphones, cigarettes. And he always put it back in the boxes again. The room looked like it should look; like it didn't belong to anyone, especially to Sasuke. It had his furniture, of course; bed, desk, chair. But they had just been pretty much left where the moving crew had set them down; not disarranged enough to be in the way, but enough to look like they hadn't found their place. There was nothing on the walls and nothing except boxes on the floor. Nothing like the room of the overgrown kid of Kakashi's latest flirt. And that was a good thing.

The only thing that Sasuke had put in a proper place was the Bleeding Heart. It hadn't been packed in the first place, so it didn't break the unspoken no-unpacking rule, and it needed sunlight. He had put it in the window facing the backyard, green leaves perky and soil dark and moist. Sasuke had watered it that morning.

Slipping headphones over his ears and bringing the CD player with him to bed, Sasuke dropped down on the covers. He sighed and closed his eyes and was asleep before the second track had come to an end.

He didn't wake until Kakashi called him down for dinner, the smell of chicken slithering into his nose as soon as he opened the door to his room. He had no appetite what so ever, the too long afternoon nap having disturbed his stomach even further, but shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen anyway. The nap had only reinforced the state he'd fallen asleep in, meek weakling lured away from the need to vent his frustration and now it was hard to even remember what anger felt like. But for some reason he was still tired.

Sasuke ate only a little and for once Kakashi didn't nag him about the risks of growing up to be a shrimp adult or an eighty-year-old too weak to grip his own cane.

'Are you okay for school tomorrow?' Kakashi had asked when they were doing the dishes.

'Are you?' Sasuke had replied without taking his eyes of the suds covered plate he was washing.

Kakashi was a gym teacher. He had told Sasuke that he'd wanted to be a teacher ever since he went to school himself and realized what the teachers were doing when the students had summer, spring, fall or winter break. 'They're out getting drunk because they have no students!' He had later found out that teachers had stuff to do when the students had breaks, but picking an easy subject, like P.E., made that burden easier. According to Kakashi you could get away with almost no real work as a gym teacher.

Sasuke went back to bed after the dishes and brushing his teeth. He tossed and turned for a long time, the knowledge of how to be frustrated crawling a bit closer every time pushed his elbow in the mattress and adjusted his pillow. He wished he had resisted that afternoon nap. He wished he hadn't brought his last cigarettes to the neighbors.

That overgrown kid had probably thrown them in the trash. Stupid blond. How could you be almost fifteen and still play with robots? Sasuke could understand having models for the sake of just having them, in a case somewhere safe because you collected; but having them on the floor? You only had them on the floor if you played with them and almost fifteen year olds did not do that.

Sasuke wished he could break that damned thing again. His back still throbbed. He grumbled and turned again to face the wall.

Though it wasn't like the blond hadn't already showed he was not a normal almost fifteen year old several times over before the robot incident. The drooling, the staring, the overload of energy, the almost yelling, the talking with two cinnamon buns in his mouth, the throwing himself all over people he didn't know instead of just saying 'don't smoke in the house'.

Naruto, was it? Sasuke desperately hoped they were in different schools, or at least different classes. How much of a chance was there that he went to a boarding school for kids with special needs in a different town and only came home on the weekends? Unfortunately, probably as much as there was a chance that the move, this house and the blond himself were all just part of a really bad dream and that Sasuke would wake up in the morning and be home.

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	3. I think I fell head over heels

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 18th 2006, Wednesday  
second version: June 20th 2008, Friday

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When I first wrote chapter 1 and 2 of Almost Sucks, I had no idea that Naruto had fallen like he had. It was a surprise that jumped me when I started writing this chapter. I think it also sort of saved the story. I love working with Naruto, by the way. He's just such a beam of sunlight; an amazing optimist and never-quitter.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**03: I think I fell head over heels**

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Naruto had thought about how he would meet the love of his life. It would be sudden, breathtaking and beautiful and he would remember the moment for as long as he lived. Time would stop, like in the movies. Yes, Naruto was definitely a romantic kind of guy.

Although he hadn't thought he'd meet that one true love so early in his life. He was only fourteen, had planned to spend some years casually dating first. He hadn't even started dating yet. He had thought it'd be a girl too, the one true love. Thinking about that sudden, breathtaking and beautiful meeting that he would always remember, Naruto had always imagined a girl in front of him. A cute, smiling girl with rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes, radiating joy over finally getting to meet him (because she would have been waiting for the moment too).

It seemed Naruto's brain was an absolute master of adjustment.

If one were to say that that Sunday had started like any other Sunday, it would be like in the movies. It would also be a lie. It had been a different Sunday from the start. A new family had moved in. There had been bustle in the neighborhood ever since the news got out that someone had bought the house. Everyone was curious. Everyone had had at least one chat with a friend or a neighbor about who was moving in. It was even more interesting because the previous owner of the house had had little to say. 'It's apparently a single father and his child,' she had said to Iruka when coming over to give away some potted plants. 'But I don't know much, we only spoke on the phone.' No one remembered having seen a family like that coming to see the house either. The rumors had been flying for weeks. The single father's wife had died and he had moved with his child away from the sorrow; or they were running from the law; or they were actually not father and child at all, but lovers and running from disapproving families.

Naruto wasn't an idiot. He knew that rumors were rumors and that most of the times they weren't entirely true. Especially not when they contradicted themselves as much as these rumors seemed to. Lovers running from the law **and** from disapproving families? Come on. He was a curious guy though and had spent a lot of time throwing glances toward the house that used to be for sale but now wasn't.

On Saturday evening Naruto's good friend Lee called and asked if it was true that Naruto's new neighbor was hot enough to steal all the girls at school. Naruto had almost screamed in frustration. He had managed to be in the bathroom taking a shower just when the family and the moving trucks arrived, a couple of hours before lunch, and hadn't gotten one glimpse of the child. Until Lee called Naruto had doubted there was one at all; but it seemed the hot new neighbor just wasn't interesting in unloading moving boxes. 'How hot?' Naruto had asked Lee, but Lee hadn't known. He'd only heard rumors in the locker room before practice, not actually seen the guy. 'But if they say he could steal all the girls, he's got to be pretty good looking, right?' Lee had said. Naruto had only grumbled.

When the doorbell rang on Sunday morning, Naruto had been busy using his Playstation to help him forget about his curiosity. He hadn't thought about it at first, stabbing away at the buttons as Iruka's 'coming!' drowned in the sound of punches and battle cries. Not until a voice he didn't recognize trickled through the game sounds had he punched the pause button and listened.

"...ust came over to say 'hi' and introduce ourselves. We moved in yesterday, I hope the trucks didn't bother you."

It was the father! It had to be. Even though the voice sounded younger and more cheerful than what Naruto had expected from a guy whose hair had turned completely grey. He'd seen the man from the window the day before, moving a few smaller things from the trucks. That was one of the reasons he'd doubted there even was a child. How could you have a child that could be called a child if you were that old?

"No, no. Not at all. How nice of you to come over, pleased to meet you. How do you like it so far? How is the house? Naruto! Come here! Sorry, he's... Sorry."

There had been something in Iruka's voice that for a moment had made Naruto forget about his curiosity and just frown.

"Oh, the house is great. And the neighborhood seems very nice. We've had so many visitors coming to welcome us that we could bathe in cookies."

"Yes, everyone is very curious... err, friendly. We were going to come over too, of course; we just wanted to give you some time to get settled in and... Naruto!"

"...Coming!"

Naruto had crawled to his feet and his curiosity had returned with a surge through his stomach, as if it had known what was waiting on the porch and how special it was. Naruto had known that the child was there too, the 'ourselves' when the father talked about introductions had said that much, but he never could have imagined just how... In the same moment as Naruto put his feet in the hall and saw through the open door, his life had changed. He hadn't seen "the father", hadn't seen Iruka and hadn't heard what they were saying. Time had stopped, breath had been lost and it had been absolutely beautiful.

True love was dark, angry eyes and dark, angry hair. It was pale skin against black clothes and hands stuffed in pockets. It was a scowl that said 'I hate to be here'. Naruto's brain had adjusted from cute, smiling, rosy and sparkling in half a split second and then it was decided who Naruto would be marrying.

When the world was switched on again Naruto had been standing on the porch next to Iruka. His right hand had been stretched out and he had been grinning so hard his cheeks hurt.

"I'm Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto! Pleased to meet you!"

Uzumaki Naruto's future bride had been introduced by his smiling foster father as Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke. He had then been not so subtly kicked by the same smiling foster father into grabbing Naruto's outstretched hand. The grip had been hard, bordering on painful, but Naruto had tingled in the good way when their skin touched.

One might say that their first meeting had been a disaster; the kind of disaster that starts off bad and keeps getting worse. Naruto was sure he had looked like an idiot in the kitchen, spacing out more than once because of the marvel sitting on the other side of the table. Those guys at Lee's practice had been lying; Sasuke wasn't hot enough to steal all the girls at school. He was hot enough to steal **everyone**. Girl or boy, gay or not gay. Naruto had always figured he was straight, but Sasuke had changed that fairly quickly, hadn't he?

He had a horrible personality though. So rude, never losing the scowl, refusing everything, looking like he wanted to throw up just from seeing Iruka's delicious cinnamon buns. If it had been any other guy Naruto would have punched him. But it was not any other guy, it was **the** guy. Naruto was in love and with love came tolerance. Maybe Sasuke just wasn't a late morning person.

The cigarettes had caught Naruto off guard though. Iruka was very strict about smoking. 'I'd rather you never left the house than you died of lung cancer,' he had said once. If he had caught Sasuke smoking in Naruto's room, or smelled the smoke afterwards, Iruka would have gone crazy; and probably never accepted Sasuke as Naruto's future bride.

And Naruto had never thought that leaving Vulpes Automaton 3000, Space Mission version, on the floor would have such consequences. Sasuke had been stabbed! Yes, he had paid Vulpes back afterwards, but still. Setting your future bride up to be stabbed by your robot models could not be a good way to get him to marry you.

It had been like a movie, but not the kind of movie Naruto had imagined it would be (the romantic kind with soft music and a tear invoking kiss at the end). It had more been like a bad teenage comedy. Guy meets incredibly hot girl and makes a complete idiot out of himself. Only Sasuke wasn't a girl. If Naruto had been a less stubborn guy he might have given up on the whole idea of marrying Sasuke the same day they met. If Naruto had had a habit of listening more to his brain he would have recognized the signs of bad idea. But Naruto always had been more of a heart guy, and he was proud of his determination.

"I don't think he made you gay, Naruto," Lee said and sounded a bit tired, which was odd for him, even though it was late. 'It's too late for phone calls,' Iruka had warned but Naruto really had to tell Lee what had happened with Sasuke and with him. Lee had been away for a match all day and come home late so that Naruto hadn't been able to call sooner.

"No?"

"I don't think you can make someone gay, or straight; you either are or you aren't."

"But I was straight yesterday," Naruto pointed out.

It sounded like Lee shrugged.

"If you're gay today you were probably gay yesterday too. Or bisexual, you still like girls, don't you?"

Naruto thought about it for a moment.

"No. I only like him now."

"Oh," Lee said. "Well... I'm sure it will be fine. Good luck tomorrow."

"Yeah!"

That was one thing Naruto really liked about Lee; he was always sure that everything would be fine.

-

When he woke up early Monday morning Naruto was in a splendid mood. How could he not be? The sun was shining, the birds were chirping outside his window, the smell of bread fresh from the oven had made its way from the kitchen to his room and he was in love. In love. Sasuke was three houses away and not being a morning person, he was most likely still asleep. Naruto imagined that his future bride was positively adorable when he slept; those angry eyes far away, face not scowling, messy bed hair, mouth slightly open with a corner glistening from drool. Just three houses away. Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and smiled so that his cheeks hurt. His life was the best!

He jumped out of bed and maneuvered easily over the floor as he picked up clothes and got dressed. After a trip to the bathroom, he rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Iruka!"

Iruka looked up from a pot, a smile forming on his lips.

"Good morning, Naruto. You're up early. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah!"

Steps several times lighter than usual Naruto made his way over to the stove, snaked an arm around Iruka's waist and leaned over the pot.

"What are you making?"

"Eggs," Iruka chuckled, as if the question surprised him. Maybe because he almost always made eggs in the mornings. Iruka dropped a hand on Naruto's head and ruffled.

"I just took the bread from the oven so let it cool off some before you eat it, okay?"

Naruto looked and found a small hill hiding under a kitchen towel on the counter. He let his feet follow his nose. Iruka repeated his warning about them still being hot when Naruto pulled two bun rolls from under the towel and thought of Sasuke. A cup of chocolate was waiting at his place by the table, streams of white rising still from the surface. Iruka told him to be careful with that too.

The man worried too much. That was why yesterday, when Iruka had asked what he thought about their new neighbors, Naruto had said 'they seemed nice' instead of 'I don't really remember much about the old one, but I'm gonna marry the one that kept refusing your buns.'

Usually Naruto told Iruka pretty much everything. The man had always said that honesty and talking was important in a family; it was part of taking care of each other, and Naruto liked talking, so usually it was a good arrangement. Sometimes it was not so fun. When he knew something that he didn't want Iruka to know, because he knew that Iruka knowing would result in him being grounded, Naruto was pretty frustrated about the whole honesty and talking thing. Actually, the frustrating part was Iruka's radar that seemed to have been designed specifically to detect when Naruto knew something that would get him grounded.

Fortunately, that was not the case this time. Iruka wouldn't ground Naruto for planning to get married to Sasuke. He might ground him if they had already gotten married, but that was not the case. Unfortunately. Naruto just didn't want Iruka to worry. If Iruka knew Naruto was planning to marry Sasuke, he would worry about them being too different, about Naruto not knowing a thing about Sasuke, about Naruto's heart getting broken. And a bunch of other things that weren't even relevant but he would worry anyway because that was what Iruka did.

So, because it was better not to bother him with stuff that there was no need to worry about, Naruto wouldn't tell Iruka about Sasuke being his intended bride until everything was okay, until Naruto had already proposed and gotten a yes. He chose not to think about how long it would take. Naruto was patience incarnate, when he put his mind to it.

"Be nice to him today, okay?" Iruka said, hands cradling his breakfast cup of tea. He was talking about Sasuke. No, worrying about Sasuke, the man was impossible. "You could show him around school. You're probably the only one he knows here."

Naruto swallowed down the bread he'd been chewing with chocolate.

"Of course, I'll be nice."

"Don't be too nice," Iruka gave Naruto a pointed look.

"I know," Naruto sighed. "Nice, but not too nice. Friends, but no pushing."

"Yes," Iruka drank more tea. "And don't be upset if he's distant at first. Moving to a new place isn't easy; he may not be comfortable here yet. Give him some time."

Naruto wasn't sure if Iruka had forgotten that he had said the same things yesterday or if he just thought it needed to be repeated. Yesterday, Iruka had asked Naruto to make friends with Sasuke and Naruto had said he would. Of course. For a marriage to be healthy and lasting the couple shouldn't just be a couple, they should be good friends too. Fortunately Iruka hadn't asked why Naruto didn't protest.

Though apparently, making friends with Sasuke was a bit more advanced than making friends with someone else. Naruto had suspected that. From that first time-halting moment, Naruto had known that it would take some time and patience to get Sasuke to the altar. He was okay with that. It was true love! True love was worth some time and patience. Naruto hadn't known he needed coaching though. Why was Iruka so insistent that they became friends anyway? And Naruto was so relieved he'd decided to keep the marriage plans a secret for now. If there were things to worry about now...

"I've got to go or I'll miss the bus," Naruto sort of lied. He had time.

"Okay," Iruka smiled; either didn't notice the sort of lie or liked that Naruto really didn't want to miss the bus. He looked at Naruto as if it was the first day of school. "Don't forget to brush your teeth."

"I won't forget to brush my teeth," Naruto scrunched up his nose and forehead as if the thought was ridiculous, and it was. Iruka chuckled. Naruto finished his chocolate quickly and left the table.

-

Apparently Naruto was not the only one that had gotten a call about how hot the new guy was. There were a lot of girls waiting at the bus stop who shouldn't be waiting there. Some of them were supposed to get on at the next stop, or the one after that; some would have had a shorter walk if they had gone straight to school. Many were dressed up and prettier than usual, giggling or whispering or doing last minute fixing of their makeup.

The few guys stood gathered with some distance between them and the girls, looking miserable or annoyed; probably completely unaware that Sasuke was hot enough to steal them too.

"This is it, Uzumaki," one of the guys sighed when Naruto came to joined them. "I will never get a girlfriend."

Naruto laughed nervously and fought down the temptation to say 'neither will I', because he wasn't sure how it would come out.

"Can't be that bad, can it?" he tried to sound hopeful.

The guy snorted and shoved a photograph into Naruto's hands.

"No, it's worse."

Naruto's heart beat harder. It was a close up picture of Sasuke, face and half his chest. He was scowling and his eyes were dark. Absolutely gorgeous. Someone must have been hiding in the bushes with a camera yesterday. If this had been circulating then the crowd was no surprise. Naruto had to swallow to wet his throat.

"Oh."

"Yeah. And we're gonna have to see him every day. My life sucks."

"He... could be cool?" Naruto tried.

"I don't care," the guy moped. "He's ruining my love life. You think there's one girl who won't go after him?"

Naruto gave another slow, nervous laugh and handed back the picture even though he wanted to keep it. The guy sighed and stuffed it in his pocket.

"The last chance I'll ever get to talk to Mio-chan is when I give this back."

Naruto had expected this. Of course, he was not an idiot. Girls liked hot guys and Sasuke was hot; the fact that he was rude and scowling would only make them more interested. Naruto had expected this, but... But standing face to face with it, with the crowd of very pretty girls in fancy clothes and makeup, he couldn't help but sense an alarm going off in a small part of his brain that he tried to never listen to. The reasonable part. The one that dealt with thoughts like 'just because he can turn a guy gay doesn't mean he himself is gay' or 'some of these girls are really pretty. Even if he is gay, what if they'll turn him straight?' or 'maybe he just doesn't like me.'

A collective gasp from the girls followed by intensified whispers and giggles had Naruto turn his head toward Sasuke's house. The guy next to him groaned a 'here we go...' and there Sasuke was. He wore the same kind of clothes as yesterday, black and slightly oversized, his hair the same angry style and the same 'I hate to be here' scowl; the headphones were new. He was still absolutely gorgeous. Naruto found his heart thumping, his palms starting to sweat, his throat going dry again.

Sasuke carried his anger in his steps too, eyes locked on the asphalt right in front of him. Now and then came a squeal from the crowd behind Naruto and he could feel the impatience growing with the girls. It was like they were powering up for a charge, for the right moment to hurry forward and introduce themselves, confess their love or just giggle and smile and say 'hi' in cute voices.

No. No, that couldn't happen. The reason Naruto tried to never listen to that reasonable part of his brain was because it's only function was to try and scare him into thinking that he couldn't do it. Whatever it was that he wanted to do. And he could. Life was not reasonable. Those girls in the crowd could dress up and get as pretty as they wanted to, but Naruto was the one marrying Sasuke, he just knew it.

"I'm gonna make friends with him," Naruto blurted to the guy next to him, then he turned and was almost running.

Sasuke stepped off the sidewalk.

"Sasuke!"

Naruto threw a hand in the air and waved and the distance between them lessened. Sasuke stopped, frowned and for a second surprise overrode his scowl. It was back in full force by the time Naruto reached him though.

"Hey, hi... Good morning! Good weather today. Sunny. So... S-sleep well?"

Naruto laughed and hoped he sounded a bit less like an idiot to Sasuke's ears than he did to his own. If Sasuke could hear anything through the headphones, of course. He glanced behind him and found the girls in the crowd had gone silent, surprised, confused and frowning. Some of them looked very annoyed, arms crossed over their chests and throwing glares that had Naruto wonder if anyone of them were on the boxing team. The guys just looked surprised and confused.

"You."

Sasuke said it like Naruto was a bad case of fungus. Naruto looked away from the girls and back to what mattered. He didn't stop smiling.

"Yeah! Me. You remember, that's so good. Hey, I was wondering if…?"

Naruto blinked and when his eyes opened again he found himself looking at nothing but houses, lawns and street. He frowned, spun around and found Sasuke heading straight for the girls. The ones that had been annoyed and glaring just seconds ago looked horribly amused now, raising brows and throwing haughty looks at Naruto. As if he'd give up there.

"Sasuke, wait!"

Naruto followed, Sasuke kept walking and the girls were sighing and looked annoyed again. Sasuke was getting closer to the crowd, kept walking as if he didn't have someone on his heels trying to get him to stop.

"Hey, come on. Don't be like that... I've got something for...! Sasuke!"

Naruto had a reason for the chasing, besides keeping his bride away from potential... err, brides. It had been taken from the safest hiding place in Naruto's room and stuffed in the pocket of his jacket right before he left school. He had run past the kitchen so Iruka's radar wouldn't pick up on it. He had planned to wait with it for a better moment with no audience, but he was desperate now.

Just when Naruto had decided to take a chance and grab a sleeve of the black shirt but before he actually did it, Sasuke stopped and turned around. Naruto had to take a quick half step back or run into him. He forgot all about the girls when the dark, furious eyes burrowed into his and he forgot what he had planned to say. Not that Sasuke seemed to have turned to listen.

"Look," the voice was a growl, barely restrained; Sasuke's teeth were gritted. "You're obviously too fucking stupid to take a hint, so, I don't want you anywhere near me. I don't want to be your friend; I don't want to be your neighbor; I don't want to sit five seats from you in class. Stay the hell away from me."

Then the bus came, stopped and opened the doors. As if it had been sent there just for him, Sasuke could just turn and walk in. He did.

Behind Naruto girls giggled or whispered or muttered. 'Thanks, Uzumaki,' one sighed in annoyance. 'I got up at five to be here.'

Naruto had heard somewhere that love was odd, tricky. If you had something planned for love, it would go against it just because it could, because it was love. Naruto had thought it sounded weird, like love was a four year old kid in the obstinate age. But maybe that was what love was.

It didn't really matter though, what love was or why it had messed up Naruto's vision. It was too late now, nothing he could do about it. Nothing the girls could snort or Sasuke could growl that would change anything. Naruto was in love.

Things might look not so bright today, but that didn't mean they had to look not so bright tomorrow. Sasuke just needed some time. Iruka had said so too, right? Maybe that was the reason Naruto had found true love so early in his life. He needed a few years to make Sasuke warm up to him and fall in love too. Naruto could be patient. If he had to, Naruto could wait with the marriage until they were fifty.

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	4. Breathe

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 25th 2006, Wednesday  
second version: June 24th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**04: Breathe**

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Well, what did you know? Maybe there was more to the retard thing than just acting. Too stupid to take a hint and too stupid to understand 'stay the hell away from me'. Sasuke was in awe, he really was.

There had been a few passengers already seated when he got on the bus. A couple of boys making noise in the back, a couple of girls giggling in the middle and an old lady near the front smiling at Sasuke like he was her long lost grandson.

He had picked a seat by the window, between the front and the middle. He had turned up the volume on his CD player, set his elbow on the armrest and his chin in his hand. He had sighed. Then a blur of bright orange had flashed in the corner of Sasuke's eyes and a second later the seat next to him had been occupied. No hesitation.

"Hi. I didn't listen."

The voice was slightly muffled in music but clear enough to make out. Sasuke turned his head slowly. The blond that had to be a retard was smiling, for a second; then he seemed to realize what he had done, looked slightly embarrassed, laughed nervously and rubbed a hand over his neck.

"Look, I know what you said, but... I've got a real good reason for this."

"You like getting your nose broken?"

Naruto looked like he'd never heard the word nose and the word broken in the same sentence before. A frowning, 'mouth half open' mix between confusion and disbelief. If Sasuke hadn't refused to unpack his sense of humor, it would have been funny.

"Then fuck off."

Sasuke went back to looking out the window. Not that he would break the guy's nose. The screaming would get to his headache and just the thought of the talks in school with the school counselor or the principal or whoever handled such talks made him cringe. Then there would be Kakashi when he got home, the man would not be happy to hear that Sasuke had gone physical on his new flirt's offspring. Calls would be made and even more talks would follow. Not worth it.

He knew of course that even if by some miracle the blond idiot left, there was no way he'd be left alone. Sasuke didn't need to look at the girls slowly shuffling their way toward the back of the bus to know they were watching him, to know that their hearts sank when they noticed the seat next to him was already taken. Sasuke wasn't an idiot. There had been cat fights over him in kindergarten. Someone else might have shown a little more consideration for his headache though. Girls infatuated with him were usually easier to shut up than guys with low brain function and desperation to make friends.

"No, look, I can't!" Naruto sounded like he honestly believed it. "It's Monday! The grannies come on Mondays."

Sasuke gritted his teeth and turned up the volume on his player. He only caught a few stray words of Naruto's rant; it was something about public buses on Mondays, lots of old ladies and a supermarket. Sasuke couldn't have cared less. The bus rocked before starting to move again. The blur that was the world outside began a slow jog that accelerated to a run. Sasuke preferred a blur to details this morning; it helped take the feeling of reality away. This was not allowed to be reality.

Sasuke flinched as one his headphones were pulled from his ear and Naruto's voice grew much louder.

"And I've got something for you!"

For a moment the violence seemed worth the trouble. The part of Sasuke's brain still seeing reason had to struggle to keep the rest of him from letting his left elbow connect with that infuriatingly smiling face. Then he noticed the two items resting in Naruto's held out hand and pretty much everything came to a screeching halt. Everything that was not those two items blurred, except the tingling in his nerve ends.

"You left them at my house yesterday. I thought you might want them back."

Sasuke stared at the pack of cigarettes and the lighter while his senses slowly returned, before his hand lifted and moved in to wrap around them. They were real. Naruto's hand was warm against his fingertips. He felt real too.

"Thanks," the words felt difficult, like a struggle.

"I'm sorry that you got hurt on the automaton," Naruto's voice was a bit softer now. "That... spear is pretty vicious. Was, you really killed it. Are you still hurt?"

Sasuke didn't answer. The blond was fiddling with his fingers. It felt awkward even though Sasuke tried to tell himself that he owed the idiot nothing. The bus came to a stop to pick up more students. Sasuke made up his mind and stood.

"Whe... Where are you going?" Naruto sounded confused as Sasuke stepped over his legs.

"Can I smoke on the bus?"

"No."

"Then I'm getting off."

He pressed himself past a girl and two guys coming on.

"You're walking?" The voice rose in disbelief. "You'll never make it in time."

Three steps to the asphalt. The air against Sasuke's face was relief, the feel of cigarette between his fingers even more so.

"You don't even know the way!" Naruto's voice came from inside the bus. "Sasuke!"

Sasuke looked over his shoulder and gestured to the driver to get going already. The man shrugged and closed the door. Sasuke flicked the lighter and listened as the bus rolled away. The smoke was caressing the insides of his lungs and he kept it there for a long time before breathing it out with a sigh.

-

Sasuke came to school half an hour after first class had started. A personal welcoming letter from the principal, complete with the school's address and a small map, had saved him from having to stop and ask for directions.

A woman greeted Sasuke in the reception as if she'd been waiting for him for weeks. She gave him the key to a locker and a folder of papers (his schedule, school regulations, information on using the library and school computers and such things, she said), before waving for him to follow as she hurried down a corridor.

"They've already started," she said over her shoulder, smiling. "First class on Monday for you is history. Good to have it out of the way, isn't it?"

She giggled. Sasuke rolled his eyes. She was young, naïve and enthusiastic; wouldn't have lasted a week in the city. Their steps echoed in the empty corridors. She wore low shoes but they sounded like high heels.

It had been both a good and a bad decision to get off that bus. Good because the combination of nicotine and walk had calmed down his headache to almost nothing. Bad because arriving in a crowd with everyone else would have made him seem less special. Now he really felt like a new kid, and he hated the feeling.

They stopped outside a door with a sign above it that said 'C14'. The woman said 'here we are!' and knocked. When a call came from inside she opened the door just enough to get her head through and whispered something that Sasuke couldn't make out. A few seconds of wishing he was somewhere else passed and then the woman opened the door completely, turned to Sasuke and smiled.

"Don't be shy," she joked and gestured with an arm for him to go in.

The world felt suddenly both very real and very unreal, and a surge of stomach ache invoking anxiety ran through Sasuke. He almost turned and walked away. For a split second he worried that he would throw up on the stupid, smiling reception woman.

But he clenched his hands to fists and stepped through the door instead of fleeing. The teacher in front of the blackboard was smiling and waved for him to come closer and he did. Girls whispered and giggled, the woman from the reception was following him close enough that he could feel her. They came to a stop next to the teacher's desk.

The first thing Sasuke saw when he turned to face the whispers and giggling were a pair of eyes that were too blue for an almost fifteen year old without contacts. Sasuke's stomach tightened and he gritted his teeth. Looked away. Fucking frustrating fate.

The reception woman put a hand on Sasuke's shoulder and then she spent minutes and a lot of words to say 'Uchiha Sasuke, from the city, your new classmate, be nice to him'.

The blur of orange and blond wouldn't leave Sasuke alone. Even though he refused to actually look, the presence stayed, the color stood out. Who the hell wore orange? Orange was for carrots and warning signs, not humans. And what did it take to piss that guy off anyway? Naruto seemed to be as happy to see Sasuke as Sasuke was disappointed to see him.

"Would you like to say something, Sasuke-kun?" the reception woman asked.

"No."

The woman laughed, but it didn't quite hide her disappointment. Then she left and Sasuke could finally take a seat. He found an empty spot near the wall opposite the windows, three seats from the blond idiot.

Because it was Sasuke's first day someone had to show him around, or so the history teacher thought. He asked for volunteers and many hands waved. Sasuke tried to pretend he didn't care, but he did. Not the orange arm, he wished. He couldn't see it waving from where he was, but it had to be. Waving. 'Pick me!'

The teacher picked a girl named Sakura.

-

There was no one by the tables behind the school building during lunch hour. Sasuke was surprised; it felt like a place for gatherings. Surprised, but relieved. It was quiet and nothing bothered him. No Sakura, no Naruto, no one flirting, no one giggling, no one trying to be friendly.

Sasuke hated being the new kid. It very much disrupted the hope he was trying to hold onto that this was just a very bad dream and he was waking up soon. 'You're not waking up!' it kept saying. 'This is your life, get used to it.' Sasuke didn't want to get used to it. He didn't want this shitty excuse of a miserable existence to be his life.

Sakura had taken her mission as his personal guide book very seriously. Sasuke probably knew the school better than the teachers did now. He would have told her that he didn't need a tour, but Naruto had hovered around them practically oozing 'I'll do it if she doesn't!' and Sasuke hadn't wanted the consequences of stopping him. Despite her obvious infatuation with Sasuke, Sakura had seemed like the lesser of two evils. She had been quite good at chasing off anyone that interfered with her tour guide mission and one flirting girl was better than several; especially if those several were backed up by a nosy retard.

During last class before lunch Sasuke had claimed he needed to use the bathroom, left the classroom and not returned. The lesser of two evils was still evil and Sasuke did not want to struggle through a lunch break of touring the canteen with giggles and a constant blur of orange fluttering around waiting for Sakura's guard to lower. He needed a smoke and he needed some alone time or he was going to knock someone's teeth out. The headache he had managed to get rid of before school had returned with a vengeance and was now pounding on his skull like it wanted the thing broken. He should have been hungry, it being lunch and all, and maybe he was, but a soft nausea swimming around inside him kept the feeling away.

So now Sasuke was lying on a table, alone. He had his feet on the seat and the rest of his body on the hard surface; it was wide enough that his head didn't fall off the edge. He kept his eyes closed, his lungs breathing and tried to let the music streaming from his headphones to his ears make him forget where he was. There were tables like this in the city. He could be there. But the air tasted differently here. Sasuke had tried to drown the taste in cigarette smoke, but somehow it stuck. Sasuke tried to ignore that his hand wrapped around the lighter brought orange and blond to his mind.

Half way through the cigarette, with no footsteps and no voice as warning, someone sat down on the table next to Sasuke. Sasuke's eyes snapped open and he sat up so abruptly that he almost choked on his second cigarette in less than twenty four hours (some kind of record, surely). He hurled a glare that asked 'you want to die?' at the unwanted visitor, but the guy he found seemed unmoved. It was a redhead. His pale eyes were framed with thick black lines, making him look like a six year old gone wild with his mom's eyeliner.

"Hey," the guy said. He sounded as indifferent as he looked.

"What the fuck do you want?" Sasuke spat out, after removing the cigarette he'd managed not to choke on from between his lips. The guy tilted his head slightly and stared for a moment before he spoke.

"Gaara," he said and sent a hand toward Sasuke's face. "Pleased to meet you."

There was something strange about his voice. The hand hung limp from the wrist a few inches from Sasuke's nose. Sasuke put the cigarette back between his lips and took a deep suck.

"Are you a retard or something?" he raised a brow.

When the guy didn't respond, or remove his hand, Sasuke sighed and took it as a 'yes'. He grabbed onto the limp hand and used his best 'speaking with the mentally disabled' voice.

"Hi. I'm Uchiha 'leave me the fuck alone' Sasuke. Could you leave me the fuck alone?"

He dropped the hand with a snort and shook his head. Sucked more on the cigarette. Gaara kept staring, his hand hanging where Sasuke had left it. Until he snorted with something that probably was supposed to be amusement, leaned closer, snatched the cigarette from Sasuke's lips and stole a lungful before putting it back again. Sasuke would have stopped him if the whole thing hadn't gone so fast and been so unexpected. Gaara looked like he hid a smile but Sasuke wasn't sure where. The redhead blew smoke away from them both and took a breath that could be heard.

"You'll be just fine," he said, getting off the table, moving and sounding less like a retard now.

"Excuse me?"

"That's a nasty habit though. Someone should make you quit."

"Well, fuck you too!"

Because there was nothing else to say. And then Gaara left. He lifted a hand in a still wave without turning as he walked away, reminding Sasuke of a friend he'd been forced to leave behind in the city. Nausea assaulted him together with sudden stinging pain in his eyes.

Sasuke swore, told himself to get a grip and turned up the volume on his player. This was just a stupid, fucking bad dream.

-

There was no coming home.

Not wanting to care anymore, Sasuke took the bus like everyone else. Naruto sat beside him again, asking about Sasuke's day and letting Sasuke know he had worried when he disappeared during lunch. Sasuke said nothing. He stared out the window and let the frustrating voice drown in music. He ignored the urge to knock the guy's teeth out.

It wasn't because the guy didn't deserve it; it was just hypocritical to not care and still get that riled up. And why the hell should Sasuke care? It was just a stupid, fucking bad dream. You didn't care about dreams; you ignored them until they went away because you knew they always would. Caring meant accepting it as something real and this was not allowed to be real. So Sasuke pushed the urge away and didn't let it come back.

He ignored Naruto's 'bye!' and 'see you tomorrow!' when they left the bus.

The door to the house that was not home was unlocked when he came there. The Kakashi bastard wouldn't be home for a couple of hours yet, but the door was unlocked. Sasuke hated it, even though he had no key.

The hall was littered with boxes and so was the kitchen.

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	5. Cellophane wrapped disaster

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 8th 2006, Wednesday  
second version: June 27th 2008, Friday

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Almost Sucks takes place in an unnamed and fictive smaller town, a few hours by bus from an unnamed and fictive big city. Swedish traditions have been the strongest influence on me, but there are traces of other places as well.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**05: Cellophane-wrapped disaster**

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Naruto had planned to be good. He had planned to follow Iruka's advice and give Sasuke some time to get settled in before making friends with him. When it was time for the friend making, Naruto wouldn't be pushy; it would be normal, natural friend making. He'd known about the bad stuff, Sasuke's rudeness and the horde of girls most likely after him and he had told himself it didn't matter. Naruto was going to be to be cool: confidence and patience incarnate. Before he knew it Sasuke would be swept off his feet. But reality had redesigned that plan about as much as it had redesigned Naruto's plan for true love.

Naruto wasn't sure how to explain it, he just found himself acting. Even before he did and said the things he did and said, he knew that they were crazily idiotic and the opposite of what he had planned, but he couldn't stop himself. He tried to straighten out his messed up plan when Sasuke wasn't around, tried to tell himself that what he was doing was not the way to go; you did not annoy your future bride into marrying you, that was just silly. 'Be cool,' he told himself. 'Just leave him alone for one second.' But the plan always unstraightened itself again as soon as Sasuke came back into visual range.

At first it was mostly the girls. The way they looked at Sasuke, like he was the most delicious looking thing in the world or their prince from a fairy tale, made Naruto itch. He wanted to yell at them to back off, stop staring at Sasuke, stop drooling over him, stop whispering/giggling/talking about him. He couldn't do that, of course, but he couldn't do nothing either.

Except for that first growled 'stay away from me' before the bus, on Monday and Tuesday Sasuke ignored Naruto. At first it had seemed like a step in the right direction. Naruto could sit beside him on the bus and talk to him between classes without being cursed at, called stupid or getting threatened with violence. But Naruto soon changed his mind. Sasuke didn't say anything back, didn't even look at Naruto most of the time and he had his music on so high his ears had to hurt. Being ignored was no fun at all.

That was why on Wednesday morning before the bus came, when Naruto started to tell Sasuke about how he finally defeated a really difficult boss on his newest Playstation game and Sasuke told him to shut up so loud that it was almost a yell, Naruto first just stared in surprised, then smiled, shrugged and said 'okay'. The smirks and giggles from the girls at the bus stop barely registered.

It was less exciting when Sasuke stomped onto the bus and didn't take an empty seat by the window as he had done the two previous days, but sat down next to a girl. For a moment Naruto just stood there, not quite knowing what to do. The girl next to Sasuke looked like she'd died and been reborn into a fairy tale even after he'd told her to shut up too (as a small comfort it was one of the 'Sasuke is my prince' girls; they were not nearly as frustrating as the 'Sasuke without clothes is the main decoration on my birthday cake with lots of cream' ones).

It was even less exciting when the bus arrived at school and Naruto's attempt to walk next to Sasuke to the lockers was met with curses, insults and a brand new version of 'stay away from me'. The 'he's talking to me!' joy was very easy to kill.

The rest of Wednesday and Thursday continued in the same manner. Naruto came close to Sasuke and Sasuke delivered a new string of obscenities, telling Naruto what a stupid idiot he was; that guy sure knew a lot of bad words. Sometimes he was angry and growling, but most of the times he was just smirking and rude; and there was something in those gorgeous dark eyes when Sasuke was rude and smirking made Naruto itch even worse than the 'naked Sasuke with cream' girls.

It didn't matter how much in love you were, constantly being called stupid, retard, idiot, moron, and those were just the nicer words, was frustrating. Sasuke didn't threaten with violence or get violent, but when he turned his back and walked away after another series of insults, Naruto felt like he had been punched. While he had no idea how it would fit into the 'trying to become friends and later get married' plans (because he still really wanted that for some twisted, weird reason) Naruto wanted to curse back or just punch the guy.

It really made a lot of sense to stick to his original plan and Iruka's advice; give Sasuke some time to... cool off or whatever. The guy couldn't constantly be an angry asshole. Yeah, so Sasuke's obscenities spurred Naruto on; it was a challenge, Sasuke was trying to insult him into giving up and Naruto never gave up. But he did take breaks, didn't he? When he needed to eat or sleep or go to the bathroom, before coming back to try again. Maybe he could take a bathroom break from Sasuke now?

It was starting to get so Naruto felt like an idiot, trying to be friendly with a guy that only insulted him back; like a wimp too, for just taking it. The Sasuke fan girls hated him and the guys at school had no idea what he was doing. 'He's an asshole, just leave him alone,' they said. Lee told Naruto several times that maybe he should just give Sasuke some time. 'He just got here, maybe he's homesick?' When Naruto pointed out how when Lee got together with his boyfriend things hadn't been exactly ideal either, Lee reminded him that they had not gotten together the first week.

By the end of Thursday, Naruto was ready to do it. He stayed clear of Sasuke on the first break after lunch and managed to just watch and hold his breath as one of the braver or more stubborn fan girls made her move. She had a hand on her hip, a smile on her lips and blonde hair in curls; long legs and a chest that Naruto had heard guys talk about. One of the 'naked Sasuke with cream' girls. She gestured in Naruto's direction and rolled her eyes. His hands itched and his feet wanted to carry him over there as quickly as possible, but Naruto managed to not listen to them this time.

Less than a minute after she had approached Sasuke, the girl walked away again, trying to hide her disappointment. Naruto could let his breath go; his fingers uncurled and relaxed. But frustration hovered around him even after the girl had left. Sasuke didn't as much as glance in Naruto's direction. He hadn't called her stupid. Naruto didn't want to stay away anymore. But that first break after lunch was short and over and class was starting again. Naruto spent 40 minutes of math staring at Sasuke's angry back and his angry hair.

Then came P.E.

For some reason, Naruto hadn't thought about what having P.E. now that Sasuke was here would mean. It came as both a horrifying and heavenly surprise when the guy came strolling into the locker room as if he should be there. He should be there, of course. He was a guy and it was the guys' locker room. While a few of the girls no doubt would have loved to have him with them, guys stayed in the guys' locker room.

At first Naruto didn't quite know what to do. He wanted to hide in the bathroom, tell Sasuke to get out, stop and stare, just scream, but none of those things seemed reasonable. He found himself sympathizing with every gay guy that had ever set his foot in a locker room. And girl and her foot, because girls could be gay too, right?

Then Sasuke pulled his shirt off his head. The movement went in slow motion and Naruto did stare and more and more skin was just revealed and it was pale and he looked so smooth and he had to taste so good with cream.

Before Sasuke could pull his pants down, Naruto did hide in the bathroom. His heart was pounding, his palms were sweaty and he could hear his breathing in the darkness, had not felt like turning on the light. He had a hard-on.

It felt horribly strange to him now, now that things had changed, but less than ten minutes ago hard-ons had had nothing to do with Sasuke. Sasuke had been gorgeous and angry and rude and frustrating, but not impure-thought invoking. Of course, he had been impure-thought invoking; it was just that Naruto hadn't known about it. Or, he had known, intellectually; but not physically. Not like he knew it now.

It felt like the world had been turned upside down.

Despite his height Naruto wasn't usually bad at basketball, but that Thursday he sucked. He left the hall as quickly as he could once class was over and hurried to finish in the showers before Sasuke could get there. He failed. He had just turned to leave the downpour from the shower head in the ceiling when Sasuke stepped through the door, giving Naruto a perfect view of everything.

Naruto's feet threw down roots and he almost fell from the sudden stop. The towel Sasuke held in one hand and the bottle he held in the other did nothing to hide anything. Naruto's heart had stopped and warmth washed over him from everywhere. On fire. Sasuke was so naked.

Scowling dark eyes growling 'fuck off'; ribs, pale and almost skinny; hipbones, pubes that matched his hair and the reason he belonged in the guys' locker room. Long, slim legs. Toes to die for, fingering the wet tiles.

Naruto didn't have any problems leaving Sasuke alone on Friday.

-

On Saturday Naruto went over too Lee's house. It was about ten minutes away if you ran. Naruto had been running at lot between his house and Lee's house when he was a kid, but now he usually walked. It took longer but walking was nice. It was one of those things you learned to appreciate when you grew up. Walking and naked, gorgeous, angry guys.

Lee was a year older than Naruto and they had been friends since Naruto was in first grade and Lee was in second. Naruto had heard someone say that Lee was in a fighting club and really good at fighting. 'I bet no one in the whole school can beat him,' someone had said. 'It's impossible!'

Even when he was in first grade, Naruto had been a firm believer that nothing was impossible. He had also liked fighting a lot back in those days; it had been one of the few things he was good at. So Naruto had practiced for a whole week in the schoolyard, during every break and lunch hour; sometimes the teachers had been forced to drag him to class because his muscles didn't hurt enough when break was over. He had practiced at home too, though he had been careful not to tell Iruka why. Iruka did not like fighting nearly as much as Naruto did.

When the week was over, Naruto had challenged Lee to a fight, confident he could do what no one in the whole school could do. They had met after school, in a patch of forest between school and Lee's house.

Lee had finally said it was a draw. It hadn't been. Lee had been much stronger; Naruto had just refused to accept that he was beaten. Nothing was impossible, as long as you kept going and didn't give up. As long as you were breathing and aware of it, you were not beaten. But Lee was a nice guy and hadn't wanted to keep going until Naruto wasn't breathing or was unaware that he was breathing. So he had said it was a draw. Naruto had gotten really angry at first and refused to accept that too. Lee had had to give a lot of reasons before Naruto had finally stopped trying to punch him.

After that Lee and Naruto had become friends. Lee's dad Gai had also managed to convince Iruka to let Naruto join Lee's fighting club. While Naruto did believe that nothing was impossible, he had still been very surprised when Iruka told him he could learn fighting at a club. Iruka has said that if Naruto wanted to fight that much, it was better if he did it with grown-ups around that could make sure he didn't get hurt or hurt someone else. 'And make sure you get rid of as much energy as you can,' Iruka had also said.

Naruto wasn't in the club anymore, but he still liked fighting; even if it was more watching than doing these days. He went to Lee's matches and cheered and he killed a lot of zombies and monsters on his Playstation. Now and then he would spar with Lee in the patch of forest. Lee couldn't go all out, was too good for that with Naruto these days, but Naruto was old enough to accept it. He enjoyed the way fighting had him move his body. It was easy and uncomplicated; he knew the movements like they were etched into his bones and knew the end would always be the same; sweaty, aching, panting and no winner.

Naruto went to Lee's house that Saturday to ask for a sparring match. He needed a break from the love/frustration/confusion/arousal that Sasuke caused.

He could not make sense of how to approach the guy. He wanted to stick to the original 'give him some space' plan, and after Thursday's shocking revelation it made even more sense; Naruto did not want to embarrass himself because Sasuke caused his body to go haywire. Yes, random hard-ons in places where you did not want to get a hard-on were a natural thing when you were a teenager and a guy; but it was entirely different if it wasn't random.

At the same time the plan felt like a stupid one. Naruto had no idea why. It wasn't stupid and intellectually he knew that. Usually Naruto wouldn't even consider putting his head before his heart, but... this was serious stuff! Sometimes when Naruto ignored his head and followed his heart, things got messy and he did not want to screw this up. And it wasn't just his head he would be ignoring if he followed his heart this time, it was Iruka's and Lee's too; and Sasuke's wishes.

But even with all those excellent reasons why the plan was a good one, Naruto's heart and bones said it was crap. They gave no good reasons, as always, just made Naruto feel that leaving Sasuke alone was a bad thing to do.

Unfortunately, heart and bones were fully supported by hormones. That was one result of Thursday's shocking revelation that Sasuke indeed was very impure-thought invoking. If one were to argue that Naruto should have been happy for more support to the heart choice, they'd be forgetting one very important thing. It was hormones that were supportive.

Hormones were completely unreliable when it came to problem solving. They had only one thing on their mind and anything they came up with was based on that single interest. Of course it was a bad plan to leave Sasuke alone if you wanted him naked with cream! Yes, public hard-ons were embarrassing, but you had to learn to deal with them, fight them, and what better way to do that than to practice. It made perfect sense.

If Naruto had been given a choice he would have definitely kept the hormones away from this. Letting hormones near important choices was like letting hungry lions near endangered zebras. But the problem with hormones was you couldn't do much about them once they had decided they wanted to meddle.

Since Thursday and P.E. Naruto had jerked off so many times that two weeks should have passed, not almost two days, and no matter how hard he had tried to keep Sasuke out of the dirty thoughts, the hormones had smuggled him in anyway. On Friday Naruto's mind had wandered in class and given him a hard-on more times than he had had classes. Friday and Saturday morning he had woken up sweaty with his sheets soiled and vivid recollections of a dream involving naked Sasuke and lots of cream still fluttering through his mind.

Hormones were insanely aggressive and impossible to ignore.

Naruto had two options that seemed equally bad/good and a highly frustrated mind that needed to make a choice. He was in desperate need of getting his ass kicked. And maybe Lee would have some good advice afterwards too, about what to do with the Sasuke dilemma.

However, unfortunately Naruto didn't find what he was looking for at his friend's house; quite the opposite actually. He opened the door to Lee's room, walked in, had time to say 'I need you to...' before the discovery that Lee wasn't alone stole the rest of his sentence.

They were on the bed. Only legs, arms and the top of Lee's head was showing, the rest of him was hidden behind feet, a naked lower half of back and red mop of hair.

The hand settled over the bared spine, just above the ass, flinched and began to pull away but a new hand reached back and kept it from retreating.

"It's just Naruto."

Because his head was turned away and he spoke into another mouth, Gaara's voice was muffled.

Naruto beat back the flutter in his stomach and the thought that came crawling, whispering 'what if that was me and...' Stupid thoughts. It's wasn't like he hadn't seen Lee and Gaara make out a thousand times before.

"It's just me," Naruto muttered. "Morning. Don't mind me."

"Good morning, Naruto," Lee said. His voice was muffled too.

The sound of kissing continued. Naruto sighed and flopped down on the floor. There went his sparring match, because Lee never sparred with Naruto when Gaara was around. Just perfect. He grabbed the nearest magazine, the August issue of Fitness and Food Monthly.

Gaara was Naruto's friend and Lee's boyfriend. He was the same age as Naruto but they were in different classes. Gaara had moved to town two years ago with his older sister and brother; they didn't have any parents. Gaara had been... bad, at first. He had been hurting people. He had hurt Lee really badly.

That was the reason Naruto didn't officially fight anymore. Iruka had decided after what happened to Lee and Naruto hadn't argued. It was hard to argue about something like that when your best friend was in the hospital and you didn't know if he was going to be crippled for life, or even survive.

But these days Gaara was a friend; and a boyfriend. He was a bit strange; didn't care about things that people usually cared about, like being caught making out with their boyfriend or leaving embarrassing things lying around. He probably used more eye make-up than all the girls in school combined, and he had a tattoo on his forehead. Supposedly it said 'love', but Naruto suspected that was just something Gaara had made up because it didn't suit him at all.

When Naruto had first met Gaara in school that Monday after the first time he'd met Sasuke, the first thing Gaara had said was 'you've got a crush on the new guy.' Naruto had for a second just stood in stunned silence (mouth open, cheeks burning and everything), then he had thrown a fit, pointed at the redhead and yelled 'you don't know that!'

Though he had known that Gaara had known. Yes, Gaara could have guessed and Naruto's initial reaction would have told him he was right, or Lee could have just told him on Sunday, but that wasn't the case. Gaara had claimed that the love had been sparkling in Naruto's eyes, or something like that, but Naruto knew the truth. Gaara had known.

Besides being strange, a friend and a former bad guy, Gaara also had one of those radars that Iruka had, to pick up what people were hiding. Only instead of picking up things that could get you grounded, Gaara's radar picked up things that were embarrassing or potentially embarrassing. Naruto wasn't sure which radar was worse.

Naruto glanced back to the bed where his two friends were entangled. When they first started dating, it had been a bit weird being in the same room as your friend and his boyfriend while they made out. Lee had thought it was weird too, making out with an audience; but Gaara was a persuasive guy and they got used to it, Naruto and Lee.

Naruto was understanding. Lee and Gaara didn't get to spend any time together in school and Lee was often busy outside of school as well. It was only natural that they would want to spend as much time as they could being... well, together. Now Naruto could definitely understand. When he eventually got together with Sasuke, he was sure he would want to have the guy within arm's reach all the time.

So, no. Naruto wasn't disturbed or upset that his two friends sometimes wandered away together, mentally, got caught up and ignored or forgot about him. He could entertain himself. Okay, so sometimes things went a bit too far. The noise got more desperate, the movements different and the hands slipped under the wrong clothes. The first time it had happened Naruto hadn't noticed until it was almost over. He had been unaware of the danger and let himself be completely absorbed by a new Playstation game that Gaara had bought. He had looked over to the bed to brag about having fairly easily managed a part of the game that Gaara had complained about earlier. Naruto still shuddered when he remembered the event. Way too much skin, hands way, way too bold. Naruto had screamed, with shock, horror and outrage, because you did not do... that to each other when someone else was in the room. Lee had screamed too, with shock and horror, because he also knew you didn't do that when someone else was in the room. Gaara's groan of frustration had drowned in the screaming, but the look on his face had clearly shown what he thought about doing that with someone else in the room. The guy was definitely a pervert. Since that time Naruto always kept an eye on things to make sure they didn't go that far again, and while it pissed Gaara off, Lee was very grateful.

That Saturday things hadn't gone too far. Lee's fingers were playing around on Gaara's back again, on their own, tracing patterns that didn't exist, slowly. The muscles under Gaara's skin shifted as he moved.

Sasuke was pretty pale too. He had a really nice back. And he was definitely the type to hold onto someone's hand if he didn't want it to leave. He liked things the way he liked them.

Sasuke could be angry; he could be cold and push people away and he knew how to insult you. But when he was your boyfriend... when he was in love, he was warm; he was sizzling. When he was alone with you on a bed, cradled between your legs on his knees, he only pulled you closer.

His mouth breathed on you, pressed kisses to your neck with his soft lips and his warm tongue. His teeth nipped and it hurt, but only a little, only to make it feel better. His hands wandered, under clothes and over skin.

He made sounds; soft, mewling sounds that came to you not only through your ears but through your entire body, because they made him vibrate and he was pressed so close to you. His angry hair was playful and tickled your face.

Naruto realized his hand was wandering and groaned, because how long had it been since he'd changed his sheets this morning? This was ridiculous. Then he remembered where he was and what exactly had made his thoughts wander. His heart nearly stopped.

"Okay, stop! That's enough!" Naruto yelled, tossed the magazine over a shoulder and shifted his legs to hide the consequences of the combination of wandering thoughts and teenage hormones.

Shit. He was blushing. His voice had been too high, more of a shriek than a yell. Shit, shit. Naruto knew he should have gone home as soon as he saw Lee wasn't alone.

"What's wrong, Naruto?" Gaara asked. His voice was calm and sprinkled with 'I know exactly what you're thinking'. Shit. Naruto shifted.

"Nothing."

Maybe he could run for it. He refused to lift his head and actually look at his friends. The bed creaked.

"Bullshit," Gaara said.

"I said it's nothing."

"You're lying."

"You guys were embarrassing!" Naruto shouted and looked up without thinking. Gaara had turned, twisted around between Lee's legs; red hair messy, pair of pale green eyes glimmering. He hooked onto Naruto's eyes without mercy. His lips were curled in delight.

"Don't tease him, Gaara," Lee intervened gently with a sigh. One of his hands reached out and pulled a strand of hair away from Gaara's eyes, exposing the edge of the tattoo. For a second Gaara's attention was drawn from Naruto and Naruto took advantage and looked away, out the window. It was a cloudy day; there had been threats of rain.

"Fine," Gaara said softly. The sound of a kiss was heard, followed by a loud-on-purpose whisper.

"I think watching us is turning him on. He saw Sasuke naked in the showers the day before yesterday and hasn't been the same since. He's sexually frustrated, needs to get laid. A wet dream woke him up this morning that's why he's cranky."

"I did not...! You...! You don't know...!" Naruto sputtered, cheeks burning, hated that he hated lying when it mattered and grabbed onto the one thing Gaara had definitely been wrong about. "I don't need to get laid!"

Yes, alright, Naruto preferred Iruka's radar. Getting grounded was never fun, but at least Iruka wasn't evil about it.

-

A dream had taken Naruto back to the showers after P.E. The sound of water racing between ceiling and floor was echoing off the walls, the room bright and steamy. The locker room behind Naruto was empty, everyone having left early for some unknown, but probably strange dream reason. He had only taken a few steps inside.

Sasuke had not left early. He stood in the middle shower, naked back facing Naruto, partially shrouded in haze; water dropping from his hair and pearling down his skin. Water, steam, bright walls and him.

Naked Dream Sasuke wasn't unbearably beautiful. The sight of him didn't steal Naruto's breath or constrict his throat, didn't force his heart to hammer or his hands to fist. He was amazingly beautiful. His gorgeousness warmed Naruto from the inside and out, soothingly.

Naked Dream Sasuke was unbearable, when he turned and looked at you with cold, angry eyes. Breathing was suddenly difficult and the heart started hammering. Terribly hot. Naruto felt terribly hot. There was a bad feeling seeping through his body, so emotional that it got physical. He didn't know what to do. He wanted closer but the beautiful creature in the shower seemed so far away. It was like the steam was more solid, a sticky web that clung to both of them and didn't let Naruto come closer. He had a strong feeling that it was Sasuke that made the steam sticky and solid. Even Dream Sasuke's eyes said 'fuck off'. Naruto felt like he had a hole in his stomach that tried to eat him.

"But I want to be with you!" he shouted, but unlike the water his voice did not echo. Naruto got angry. Why did Sasuke have to push him away? Unbearableness was frustration and frustration was anger.

Naruto snarled and lashed out at the sticky haze. Sasuke cocked his head to one side in a slightly curious and amused 'what are you trying to do now?' Like Naruto was a silly child that didn't know you couldn't get through sticky dream steam.

"I don't care!" Naruto shouted his reply while still fighting the haze. "I'm not giving you up!"

Naruto was slapped in the face as one dream steam string broke and closed his eyes instinctually. When he opened them again, the scene had changed and he was on his back in his bed. He recognized the ceiling above his head.

"Naruto..."

Sasuke was there. He was the warmth and weight on Naruto's chest. Naruto's arms were swept around him to keep him close. There was a leg on each side of Naruto's legs, pressed close to his body. The weight wasn't just on his chest, but over his crotch as well.

"Mm?"

He could see black hair and feel a nose digging in the skin around his ear.

"You're so **beep **and I can **beeep **imagine your **beeeep**, oh **beep**."

Naruto frowned. The 'beep's had sounded just like those annoying censor noises they had on TV sometimes when people said bad words. If they worked the same way in dreams, Naruto wasn't surprised Sasuke got censored. It did make communication a bit tricky though.

"What?" Naruto asked.

There came a sigh against Naruto's neck and the beautiful face, framed by dark hair and made perfect by dark eyes, that could only belong to one surly neighbor came into view. One of his brows was raised.

"I said, you're so **beeeep **and I **beep beep**, like **beeeep**?"

Sasuke looked expectant. Like there was a question in there that needed an answer. Naruto laughed nervously and there was a feeling creeping up on him that this dream was going to take a turn again.

"Ah… what do you mean, ah… beep?"

Naruto tried to look and sound cheerful, like it made sense and wasn't a very big deal, only there was no censor sound when he said it and his voice did not make the 'beep' justice. Sasuke frowned and looked annoyed.

"What the **beep **are you **beeep **talking about?"

"Ah, no, no. Nothing, let's just… come here."

He grabbed Sasuke's neck and pulled the perfect face and poking nose and pretty mouth back to his throat. That was good. No confusing censoring, just that incredibly comfortable closeness that Naruto wouldn't even trade for food on a deserted island. But Sasuke pressed against his hand and came back into view. Now he looked pissed.

"**beep**, what the **beep beep** you **beeeep **doing **beeep**?"

Naruto could cry, he really could.

"I don't… It doesn't… Oh, come on Sasuke, can't we just…?"

"**beep** you! **beeep beep beeeeep** you **beep**…"

And soon there was nothing more than a constant horrible censor sound where there should have been words. Sasuke's mouth moved like he really had a lot to say and but all Naruto heard was that noise and no matter what he tried to say Sasuke didn't stop talking. Finally Naruto gave up and just screamed.

His own scream woke him up and Naruto found himself sitting in his bed, breathing like he'd just run home from school. He was soaked in sweat and sprouting an angry hard-on. The room was still dark and the outside was too.

Naruto peered at the red numbers of the clock on his nightstand and noted that he had three hours before he had to get up and get ready for school. He would have to go back to sleep once he'd dealt with his problem. Naruto groaned and fell back to the mattress; took a moment to wish he had fallen in love with someone easier before letting his hand wander.

And so it was Monday.

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	6. Hands on communication

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 1st 2008, Tuesday

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This is a whole new chapter that I added when I wanted the beginnings to take some more time and involve some more... action!

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**06: Hands on communication**

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Surprised girls screamed high-pitched screams that only girls could pull off and a guy yelped and jumped out of the way. Then the school corridor was silent.

Naruto couldn't remember the last time he'd been punched that hard in the face. Lee never punched that hard in his face. Lee never punched that hard anywhere. It must have been someone from training; you weren't supposed to aim for the head, but sometimes accidents happened.

The very taste of violence exploded inside his head, along with pain and stars, as he instinctively put his hand where the punch had landed. His back connected with a wall and he stumbled backwards. When his eyes snapped up Sasuke's were there to meet them. Anger was flaring in those dark gorgeous things, dancing, like sparks. Even snarled up in rage, the guy was beautiful. His hair looked angrier now than it had looked ten seconds ago, but that had to be just Naruto's imagination.

"Stay away from me," Sasuke growled slowly. There was apparently no need for bad language when you had already used violence. He was tense, his fists shaking.

Naruto gave the words a second's thought, for the sake of thinking before acting. Then he leaped at his as infuriating as he was beautiful future wife and Sasuke's eyes widened with surprise just before the fist found his face.

-

Naruto was sure that if he and Iruka, the car and the drive to school had been in a cartoon, they would have taken the turns on two wheels, the whole vehicle bending impossibly out of shape. You shouldn't drink and drive everyone always said, but no one ever mentioned not driving when you were angry. Someone should mention that to Iruka. Though Naruto supposed he might not remember it when it mattered, or care.

"I cannot believe this!" the man yelled, hands gripping the steering wheel. "I told you to be nice to him! Since when does being nice include fist fighting!?"

The library flashed past the window, along with the town center traffic lights that had just turned red. Naruto closed his eyes and held on to the car door harder. A disapproving fellow car driver honked.

"Oh! Like you ever stop when it's yellow!" Iruka yelled.

"It was red," Naruto muttered, low enough that it wouldn't reach the driver's seat. He dared to open his eyes again. The world was still flashing by outside the window.

Naruto's teacher had called Iruka at work. She had called Sasuke's foster dad too. They were having a meeting after school to talk about what had happened. They had already talked about what happened, of course, but would do it again when their parents were present. 'We take physical violence very seriously at this school,' their homeroom teacher had said, aiming it mostly at Sasuke, though Naruto got his share of glare as well. After Gaara, what school wouldn't take physical violence seriously?

"You've been bullying him!"

"I... I have not!" Naruto exclaimed, because that was just ridiculous and 'just ridiculous' had a tendency to distract Naruto from his survival instincts.

"They say you've been bothering him since he arrived!"

"I've been nice! He's been an asshole, I have been nice!"

"If someone tells you to leave him alone..." Iruka turned the steering wheel so hard to the left that Naruto was pressed to the door. "...You leave him alone! You do not start fighting in...!"

"He started it!"

"You kept going!"

"What was I supposed to do? Let him beat me up!?"

Okay, so Sasuke probably would have walked away after that first punch if Naruto hadn't punched him back, but Iruka didn't know that. The man took the car for a flight around one last turn, onto the nearly empty school parking lot. The vehicle came to a screeching stop and Iruka turned to Naruto.

"Yes," he hissed. "You should have let him beat you up. Then you should have apologized for whatever it was that you did to him, because I know you did something, and then you should have left him alone. If you had done that, I would have known that you're at least somewhat capable of listening when I tell you to do something and you wouldn't have been nearly as grounded as you are now."

Iruka unbuckled his seat belt and left the car. For a moment Naruto sat shaking with hundreds of arguments why just thinking the thought of such a response to a punch in the face was atrocious. Sometimes Naruto wondered if he had an adoptive father or an adoptive mother.

"Get out of the car!" Iruka yelled from half a parking lot away. Naruto grumbled, unbuckled himself and got out. As if they were late instead of twenty minutes early.

-

Naruto had left Lee's house on Saturday two days earlier even more frustrated than when he had come. Most of the rest of the weekend had been spent in front of the Playstation because fighting games were good distractions. Iruka had taken him shopping on Sunday, saying he should get out of the house for a bit. 'You need more friends you can spend time with,' he had said. It was a semi-clever disguise for 'make sure you make friends with Sasuke-kun'. Iruka had asked Naruto several times during the week that had passed, about how things were going with Sasuke. Naruto had tried to say as little as possible, he didn't want to lie but he also didn't want Iruka to start worrying. He already knew Iruka's opinion on the matter anyway. 'Be nice, no pushing.'

Naruto had managed to oversleep on Monday, his three hours too early awakening messing up the entire morning. He'd made it to the bus just before the doors closed, panting and shoe laces untied. Sasuke had already been seated, a pretty girl on one side of him and the window on the other. Naruto had thrown a 'morning, Sasuke' between pants at him as he slumped down in an empty seat and Sasuke had thrown a murderous glare back, forcing Naruto to shift in his seat and look away. How a murderous glare could be so hot was a mystery.

In the question of reason versus guts and hormones, Naruto had decided to trust his guts, while trying to make sure the hormones didn't boss him around too much. Reason and intellect just wasn't his thing he had realized, around the time he saw the pretty girl flirt with Sasuke on the bus.

Before first class and during it Sasuke had ignored Naruto, a nice change from the curses of the previous week, but at the same time frustrating. Why did Sasuke have to be so damn stubborn about not liking Naruto? Didn't he get tired of being pissed off all the time? Or at least find some other way to express himself?

On the break between first class and second, in the middle of Naruto asking Sasuke if he'd had a nice weekend, Sasuke found a new way to express himself. The fist had come so suddenly that Naruto hadn't had a chance to avoid it.

They had rolled around on the school corridor tiles for a good long time. A few guys had tried half-heartedly to stop them at first but given up; probably thinking it was about time. It had been a fairly even fight too; Sasuke, despite being skinny and gorgeous, had really known how to punch, would probably land somewhere between Lee and Naruto on the skill chart; but Naruto had made up for his lack of technique with fierceness and creativity.

It hadn't been until two teachers came and dragged them apart that their bodies had stopped touching; but their eyes had still been glued together, Sasuke for once not the only one glaring. Naruto's heart had been beating hard with adrenaline and he had barely noticed the aches of his body. They had both been bleeding from small wounds here and there, clothes and hair disheveled. There had been a tear in Sasuke's shirt.

They had been steered to the nurse's office first. The biology teacher, a tall and big guy, stayed to make sure they didn't start fighting again while the school nurse looked them over. She had clearly been angry, asking what had happened and muttering as she batted their wounds clean, poked around to check for more serious injuries and patched them up. 'You're supposed to be a good kid, Naruto,' she had said while pressing a large band-aid hard to his head.

Having been seated next to him on the bed draped in hospital paper, Naruto had felt the heat waving off Sasuke's body. He had thrown angry glances in the frustrating, beautiful guy's direction and Sasuke had answered them with equal fury. Surprisingly, but fortunately, impure thoughts and hard-ons had been far away.

Their homeroom teacher had come in half way through their examination, demanding to know what had happened. 'He punched me!' and 'he pissed me off' had not been explanation enough. She had told biology teacher to bring them to classroom B6 for a talk when they were done.

Classroom B6 had been empty at first. Apparently they had been deemed calm enough not to relapse because biology teacher had given them a semi-serious 'behave yourselves now' and a wink before he left. He hadn't seemed nearly as distressed by the fight as the others. Naruto had always liked that teacher.

For a minute or so, they had been alone. 'Fucking moron,' Sasuke had muttered. 'Bastard,' Naruto had muttered, leaving out any embellishing adjectives because he had worried 'frustrating' might come out as 'gorgeous'. Because even with the violence and Naruto's now aching body, Sasuke was still gorgeous. Maybe even, even though it didn't make sense, even more gorgeous, if that was possible.

Then the homeroom teacher had showed up with the school counselor and they had spent half an hour asking again what had happened and explaining how serious and unacceptable this kind of behavior was. At the end Naruto and Sasuke had been informed that the school would call their parents and that they would all meet again to talk more. The school counselor had said that they were welcome to come by her office if they wanted to talk alone. The homeroom teacher had added that they were going to have to do that anyway, talk to the school counselor.

Talk, talk and talk. All the words and promises of more words had made Naruto itchy. The physical had been much easier. The physical had been... There had been a quite strange feeling among the aching muscles and forming bruises and burning wounds. A good feeling. It had felt like they had talked about something when they had rolled around in the corridor. As others had conversations or arguments, they had spoken with their fists. And it had worked! As in, it had served its purpose. It had done what conversations usually did. It was like where the words, Naruto's being nice and Sasuke's being an asshole, had misfired, their hands had come out right. It had felt like Naruto's struggle for a relationship with Sasuke had taken a leap forward with those punches in the corridor.

It hadn't felt like they were two enemies that need to make peace, sitting in classroom B6 listening to reasons why violence was never a solution to a problem; it had felt like they were allies and the world around just didn't understand what they were doing. Like they had started a secret club with only two members, and while they hadn't worked out all the details about what kind of club it was or what they would be doing in it, they had agreed they wanted to have a club together. Sasuke wanted to have a club together with Naruto.

Naruto's brain had tried to tell him that that was just wishful thinking, insane optimism because he didn't want to face what was really going on, but his guts hadn't listened. Sasuke had felt closer than ever before in that classroom.

The feeling had stayed with Naruto all day. Through classes and breaks; through girls telling Naruto with their eyes that they wanted to beat him up and guys congratulating Naruto for finally breaking out of his wimp act; through Gaara making dirty connections with 'rolling around on the floor' and 'hands all over each other'. There had been something new in Sasuke's murderous glares; Naruto's brain failed all its attempts to convince Naruto otherwise. He couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was that had been added, but it was something and it was good. Murderous mixed with... 'We're in the same secret club'. Naruto had liked it. He had glared back when Sasuke glared at him, but behind the glare and his arms crossed over his chest had been a smile. They were in the same secret club.

-

Hours after they'd left it the first time, Naruto and Sasuke were back in classroom B6, now with Iruka and Kakashi to back up homeroom teacher and school counselor. They sat opposite each other, with the parents opposite each other next to them and homeroom teacher and school counselor next to each other at yet another side of the table.

They were going over the whole thing again; what had happened, what would be done to correct whatever had gone wrong and make sure it never happened again. Iruka and Kakashi agreed more or less wholeheartedly with the teachers. Sometimes they asked Naruto or Sasuke something, sometimes Naruto just couldn't keep quiet (when the bullying accusations came up, for example), but mostly the grownups talked with each other. There was plenty of time for letting the eyes wander.

Sasuke was beautiful despite band aids and bruises, despite dark blue skin around one of his eyes. His arms were crossed over his chest and he was scowling as usual, not looking at Naruto most of the time. There was next to nothing between them. If he wanted to Naruto could kick Sasuke's legs under the table.

Kakashi didn't look nearly as angry as Iruka did, not angry at all actually. Except when the teachers or Iruka looked at him, waiting for agreement that this kind of behavior was unacceptable; then he put on a stern mask of 'oh, yes, definitely, completely unacceptable.' Naruto was sure that Sasuke wasn't grounded.

This was Naruto's fourth time meeting the man. First had been that very first time when Naruto had met Sasuke and found out what his future had in store for him when it came to marriage. Naruto hadn't paid much attention to Kakashi that time. Second time was Tuesday or Wednesday, a week earlier; the man had come over and given Iruka a box of homemade cookies as thanks for the cinnamon buns on Sunday. They hadn't been homemade by him, the cookies, but it had said homemade on the box. Third time was just yesterday, when he had come over to pick up Iruka because they were going shopping.

Kakashi was a pretty cool guy, much friendlier than Sasuke. He didn't seem to be nearly as demanding as Iruka was, about school and brushing your teeth and such things. Sasuke was smoking, wasn't he? And he wasn't hiding it. Naruto didn't even want to think about what Iruka would do if Naruto started smoking. And fighting in school! Kakashi didn't seem at all angry. Maybe enough years around Sasuke got you used to things like that.

Kakashi looked Naruto's way then and winked; cheerful, his stern mask gone in a second.

Sasuke gave a snort-sigh that sounded more embarrassed than angry and Naruto glanced his way. Their eyes met and for a half-second or so, though it felt like much longer, Sasuke indeed did not look as angry as he had looked a moment before. There was something in his eyes and it was not just because of the bruising.

"Oh, it won't happen again, I assure you," Iruka's angry voice pulled Naruto away from Sasuke. "If I hear anything more about you bullying anyone, I swear, you will be grounded until you're thirty."

"I told you," Naruto whined, feeling his cheeks flush as the stupid bullying idea came up again. "I have not been bullying him! Have I been bullying you!?"

He turned to back to the future wife opposite him, but Sasuke just snorted and looked away. The guy had been awfully quiet the whole time; no curses, no insults, no nothing. When he had to reply to something he just grunted as few words as he could.

"Even if you don't feel you have been bullying him," school counselor said. "Sasuke-kun might feel that you have."

"But I haven't!" Naruto yelled. "And he doesn't feel that! He's been...!"

"Sit down, Naruto," Iruka hissed and yanked at Naruto's shirt to pull him back to his chair, Naruto first then aware that he'd stood up. "And stop screaming."

Naruto grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"If I've been bullying him then he's been bullying me back," he muttered, sent another glare in Sasuke's direction. "I feel bullied too."

Sasuke snorted again and glared back.

-

Naruto really hadn't expected what happened on Tuesday. Monday evening, after cleaning the bathroom so thoroughly he could eat his breakfast off the tiles behind the toilet and before falling asleep Naruto had decided that this time he should definitely try the brain plan, no matter what the girls did. Not even if they stripped and threw themselves at Sasuke would Naruto try to be nice to him. They were already in the same secret club, despite the glares. Huge accomplishments had been made. Naruto wouldn't risk screwing that up, he would be saint from now on. No one would ever be able to call him a bully again.

So what had happened that Tuesday morning on the bus? Naruto had no idea. His body had moved on its own. His mind had screamed in protest, but his legs just wouldn't listen. His vocal cords or facial muscles wouldn't listen either.

It could have been innocent. He could have been nice about it, said it differently and left out the teasing grin that he knew had been decorating his face. But no. Maybe it was the embodiment of stubborn stupid male pride that had possessed him.

Naruto had been slightly late that morning too, Sasuke again already seated when he climbed up the short stairs onto the bus. None of the girls had had time to take the seat next to him though, unfortunately. Male pride possession or not, Naruto probably wouldn't have pulled someone away to get that fated seat next to Sasuke. He could have been saved if the girls had been a bit faster.

Sasuke had looked pretty much the same as the day before, black eye and bruises and scowl, but he had lost the band aids. His eyes had narrowed dangerously as Naruto had come sauntering. Yes, possible male pride possession made guys saunter to their grave. He had been taller than ever before, or so it had felt like, as if his muscles aching only made him stronger.

The whole bus had gone quiet, with only the sound of Naruto's feet against bus floor and the humming of bus engine left. Everyone knew exactly what had happened the day before.

Sasuke hadn't said anything, had just burned his dark gorgeous eyes into Naruto as the distance between them had shortened. In the back of his screaming mind Naruto had thought of western movies.

He had sat down in the seat next to Sasuke, his eyes never leaving the dark ones. For a moment only the bus engine could be heard. Then the teasing 'I'm asking for it' grin had come. Naruto's vocal cords had done the rest.

"How's the eye, Sasuke-bastard?"

A few gasps and a couple of seconds of more silence had separated those words and their second fist fight in less than twenty four hours.

-

"So you're really in love, huh?"

"Yeah," Naruto muttered between pants. "I'm gonna marry him."

It was Tuesday evening and Naruto had been kicked out of the house for a run with Lee, as punishment for his second fight with Sasuke.

Everyone had been very disappointed, probably hadn't expected another fight this soon after the first one. Iruka would have probably road killed the entire town if Kakashi hadn't suggested they go together. 'No point in taking two cars,' he had said, waiting outside on the sidewalk with his car when Iruka came home from work. Naruto owed the man his life.

But even Kakashi had looked less cheerful this day. Sasuke had been his usual grumpy self, only with some more bruises and new band aids. The drive had been quiet, except for an occasional growled apology from Iruka to Kakashi. Naruto had glanced at Sasuke, sitting next to him in the back seat, but Sasuke had looked out the window the entire time.

The police had joined homeroom teacher and school counselor in classroom B6 this time. They had brought a distasteful slideshow and explained the seriousness of violence. Despite the fact that this situation with Sasuke was completely different, Naruto hadn't been able to help remembering Lee and it had sent his mood plummeting, made arguing difficult. He had spent the second meeting saying just as little as Sasuke.

Naruto had felt even guiltier when Lee had been waiting on the porch. He knew it was different, but... He had been happy when Iruka chased him off to run.

'Have him run until you have to carry him home,' he had told Lee. 'Maybe that can get rid of whatever it is that's crawled under his skin.'

Pfft, wouldn't that be a miracle? Naruto running curing Sasuke's personality. But it had been a relief to get to be alone with his friend and just move. Running was physical and therefore simple and good.

"Probably not before we're fifty though," Naruto continued. "He's so damn frustrating!"

"You really can't help yourself?" Lee asked.

"No! It's like my head disconnects from my body, it's crazy! If this keeps up I'll be grounded when I die of old age."

Lee chuckled.

"I can't wait to meet him."

"Oh, you can," Naruto muttered. "He's nothing you wanna meet, trust me."

They ran past the school for the second time for the evening. Naruto wasn't sure if they were really going to run until Lee had to carry him home.

"Gaara says he's just sad," Lee eventually broke the silence.

"What?" Naruto frowned.

"He didn't really want to move here," Lee continued. "He misses his home, so he's sad."

"Gaara said that? When?"

"Today."

"How does he know? Why didn't he tell me? Has he been talking to Sasuke without saying anything to me?"

"I don't know, I'm sorry," Lee said. "That's all he said."

Naruto watched Lee as they ran but his friend didn't say anything more. Eventually Naruto snorted and faced the road in front of him instead.

Sasuke was sad? Pfft. Like you punched people that tried to be nice to you just because you were sad. And... And even if you did, that didn't make you any less of an asshole. Just because you had a reason didn't mean you could get away with just anything. Naruto knew that. Naruto had plenty of reasons but he was still grounded.

"So what do I do?" Naruto grumbled.

"You're good at making friends, Naruto," Lee said. "Even if... Even if maybe you don't understand it yet, I think you know what you're doing, somewhere. You're good with people. It will be fine, just give it some time."

Naruto sighed.

"I'm gonna be grounded when we get married," he muttered.

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	7. The sometimes things

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 1st 2006, Wednesday  
second version: July 4th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**07: The sometimes things**

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When Kakashi came home from work that first Monday, he found half of Sasuke on the table and the rest of him on a chair. His head was resting on the tabletop, forehead down and face hidden by hair. The schoolbag lay on the floor, flap dropped open, a pencil having rolled out on the floorboards. Kakashi could hear the music playing in Sasuke's ears from the doorway. He didn't have to look at the sink to know that it hadn't been used since he made breakfast this morning.

"Sasuke?" he said as he entered the kitchen. Sasuke didn't move. Kakashi stopped behind the chair and carefully lifted the headphones from his ears. The music grew stronger and he winced at the volume. Sasuke didn't move. Even though he had expected something like this, Kakashi's stomach had the time to curl around itself with worry before the words came from hidden lips against table.

"What?"

The voice was hard and clear. Sharp and wide awake. Kakashi felt himself let go of a breath he hadn't noticed he'd been holding. Clear and wide awake was good.

"I'm home," he said. "Why haven't you eaten?"

"Because this place makes me sick."

"I thought we had agreed you would eat when you came home from school."

"I'm not home."

"I'm serious, Sasuke."

The anger radiating from Sasuke was almost visible and definitely palpable. He was tense as a bow string right before the arrow was released and the air around him should have crackled. His head turned and hair fell away to reveal dark eyes gleaming and furiously burrowing. Kakashi didn't flinch, though his heart ached. Gleaming, burrowing fury could not hide the swollen redness of tears that had been, nor could it hide the shine of the ones that wanted to come.

"So am I," Sasuke growled. "This is not home."

"I've sold the apartment, Sasuke," Kakashi stood his ground. "This is home."

The fury turned to motion and Sasuke charged to his feet. The chair almost fell. He snatched the headphones from Kakashi's hands. He was shaking; one hand clenched around the headphones and one around itself. A slow trickle had started from his eyes and Sasuke wiped at it with his sleeve in violent motions.

"I hate this place," he said. "I hate these people, that flirt of yours and his fucking offspring. I hate this house, I even hate the air."

Sasuke's eyes were burning with anger and shining with tears, staring straight into Kakashi's. They were challenging, daring Kakashi to try and talk him down from his mountain of fury. 'Say I'm wrong,' they said. 'Say I'm unreasonable and wrong'. But Sasuke didn't want to come down; he wanted a reason to climb higher. He wanted to be angry. 'Say I'm wrong and I'll show you anger.'

Kakashi gave a half, joyless smile and turned, walked toward the fridge.

"We need some dinner. I'll call you when it's time to eat."

Because there was nothing left to say, nothing that hadn't already been said or shouted several times. And there was no reasoning with teenagers that wanted to be angry. A moment of nothing but silence pulsing with tension passed; then Sasuke snarled and his bare feet carried him away in a half run, half walk. Kakashi waited with his hand wrapped around the handle to the fridge door until the door to Sasuke's room was slammed shut. The few glasses and plates that had made their way to the cupboards rattled. Kakashi sighed. Pulled open the fridge and poked at packages to try and find something dinner worthy. His heart was still aching.

'_Sometimes you have to do things for your children even though they hate it and think they don't need it. Even though you hate it.' _

'That's parenting', Kakashi had been told. The move had been such a thing. Kakashi had known Sasuke would hate it; the place, the people, the house, the air; but he had moved them anyway because that was what Sasuke had needed. The city had started to hurt him.

-

Kakashi had first met Sasuke when Sasuke was eight. It had been an unofficial meeting at a café one Saturday, with just the two of them and a social worker friend of Kakashi's. Sasuke had seemed confidence incarnate and Kakashi had been so nervous his hands had been shaking under the table. It hadn't even been his idea, becoming a foster father. It was the social worker friend that had called him.

'There is this kid, and I know you and I know the only time you think about kids is when you're drunk and imagine the worst thing that could happen to you, but please, please, he really needs someone and I think you're it.'

Uchiha Sasuke; an orphan. He had been in a mental institution since he was five. Kakashi's stomach had gone cold. He'd had a friend with that name. The social worker friend had said that was the reason she'd called.

The meeting at the café had been followed by a week of heavy thinking and even heavier drinking; then Kakashi had signed up at the foster care agency, starting the process of becoming a foster father. The social worker had made sure Sasuke found his way to him.

Officially, foster care was just until a permanent home could be found, but Kakashi and Sasuke had been a fairly unofficial case from the beginning. Seven years had passed and Sasuke was still a foster child. The few attempts to have him adopted had failed. Kakashi didn't know how or why they had managed, but they had. They were family. Amazing really.

-

At the moment Sasuke was not so much a foster child as he was the human version of a very dark cloud. The kind that hovers over your house and threatens with rain that will flood your basement, now and then rumbling to make sure you know it can hit you in the head with lightning bolts as well.

Sasuke had been against the move from the second he heard of it. That he needed a change of environment was just a load of fucking crap that Kakashi had come up with to fuck with Sasuke's head. They were not leaving, he had said, and shouted. 'No way in hell am I moving to some hole of a fucking village hours away from my friends. Forget it.'

Kakashi had never really felt like a father and had never tried to be. From the moment he first heard of the boy who had lost his parents to what could only be described as sad, sad tragedy, Kakashi had known he could never pretend to be his father. The only thing he could try for was partner, friend. Not because Kakashi needed a friend, but because Sasuke didn't need a new father.

He had wanted Sasuke to feel that he had some control over his life, a say in what happened to him. While there were things that no one had any control over, most things were most definitely up to you and Kakashi had wanted Sasuke to know that. They had made the decisions that mattered together, after discussion, from the first day Sasuke moved in seven years ago.

Kakashi had been told that it was a bad decision, that a child was not mature enough to handle that sort of responsibility; but Sasuke was not a child. He had been through more than many adults could handle the nightmare of and Kakashi had never thought he knew more about life than Sasuke did. They had talked and agreed and decided together.

The decision to move had been different. There had been no agreement, no handshake over the kitchen table or toast in milk that Sasuke could roll his eyes at. Kakashi had tried, to talk and make him understand, but Sasuke didn't want to. 'No way.'

Kakashi's heart had ached and still ached, but that was parenting. Both the social worker and Sasuke's therapist had agreed that it was a good decision. It was a good decision. It was the only reasonable decision. But for the first time since they started living together, Kakashi had used his power as a foster father and changed Sasuke's life without his consent. Sasuke had every right to be angry.

So Kakashi let him be a furious dark cloud; only growling 'fucking asshole...' now and then, slamming the doors, leaving a mountain of dishes in the sink for Kakashi to deal with when he came home from work. As long as he went to school, came back again and ate properly, and he did, Kakashi would let him deal with the situation as he needed to.

Sasuke's therapist had told Kakashi not to worry, since that first time he'd told her about them moving and she'd agreed it was a good idea. 'He's going to need some time,' she had said. 'But he can handle it. He knows you're right.' Kakashi hadn't been so sure about that last part, nor the middle part. He couldn't quite help worrying, worrying that Sasuke might not come back from school one day, having taken a bus back to the city or called someone to pick him up.

-

When Saturday and the one week anniversary of the move in came, Kakashi used the free time to unpack the things that were still in their boxes. Plates and glasses and pots and spatulas and kitchen towels. Books and pens and notebooks. Toothpaste and sponges and soaps and shampoo and bathroom towels. Clothes and band aids and detergent. The moving boxes had been folded together and stuffed into closets. Sasuke only left his room for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It felt like he was away somewhere, and maybe he was.

Sunday was like Saturday except Kakashi didn't have anything left to unpack so he ended up watching a lot of bad Sunday TV. He did call Iruka though, three times. First time no one picked up. Second time Iruka explained that was because he and Naruto had been out shopping. 'We have nice weather today,' Iruka said and Kakashi heard he was smiling. He glanced out the window and agreed; smiled too. When Kakashi hung up it felt like a bit of the nice weather had moved into his heart. He spent a long time just staring at the ceiling and smiling. Then he called a third time and asked Iruka to help him find the nearest supermarket because he was running out of groceries. Iruka chuckled.

"You met me at the nearest supermarket the day before yesterday," he said. "Remember? You hopped out from behind a stack of canned beans and made me drop a pack of macaroni."

"Oh yeah," Kakashi smiled. "That was you. Sorry."

But Iruka came with him to the supermarket anyway.

-

On Monday Kakashi got a call at work from Sasuke's homeroom teacher. He was told that his foster son had been in a fight with another student and that they needed to talk about it. 'Could you and Sasuke-kun come to school this evening?'

When Kakashi came home Sasuke sat at the kitchen table, like he had one week earlier but this time he sat up straight. Straighter. Kakashi noted no mountain of dishes in the sink.

"Did you eat?" became his first question.

"Yeah," Sasuke turned his head and glared. He had a black eye and plenty of band-aids.

"So," Kakashi wondered why he didn't feel angrier. "A fight?"

"He pissed me off."

It could have been the change in Sasuke that kept the anger away. The tension and threat of rain was not nearly as intense as it had been. It was... like the storm had come and gone and the air was clearer. No blue sky just yet but it was closer now. The cloud had grown thinner.

"Let's go," Kakashi sighed. Sasuke came without a fuss.

The drive to school was silent. Kakashi didn't ask about what had happened because he was sure he'd get to hear it eventually; what Sasuke would share at least. This was not the first time they had come to school together because Sasuke had been fighting with another student. It had been a while since the last time though.

Iruka and Naruto were already there when Kakashi and Sasuke arrived at school. Kakashi was surprised to see them, that Naruto was the other student; mainly because he thought Iruka would have called him if something like this had happened. For a moment Kakashi worried, about them, but not for very long. Iruka looked furious, yes, but not at him. He gave Kakashi a look that said both 'sorry about this' and 'I want to strangle someone'.

Naruto looked like he was in slightly worse shape than Sasuke, though in no way did he look defeated. The look the boy threw at Sasuke was not the look of one that had been defeated.

The homeroom teacher was there, as was the school counselor. For an hour or so the teachers talked about how this was unacceptable behavior; Iruka agreed and Kakashi did too, because doing otherwise was unacceptable too.

Sasuke's therapist would have understood. 'I'm just glad Sasuke got some of his anger out of his system.' But Kakashi was pretty sure the adults here were not that open-minded. No, not even Iruka.

The guys got to explain themselves. That was fairly brief. Sasuke said what he'd said in the kitchen, that Naruto had pissed him off. Naruto said Sasuke started it. One punch from Sasuke had lead to one punch from Naruto, and Sasuke had not been in a mood to let it end there.

There was some talk of bullying as well but Kakashi instantly knew that was silly. Naruto was not the kind to bully anyone and Sasuke was not the kind to be bullied. It had probably been just like Naruto said. He had tried to be nice and Sasuke had been an asshole and one thing had let to another. Kakashi knew how Sasuke could be.

Not that he actually said that the bullying allegations were silly. Iruka took them most seriously after all.

-

On Tuesday Kakashi got another call at work from Sasuke's homeroom teacher. He was told that his foster son had been in yet another fight with Naruto-kun. 'I'm sorry but this is very serious. Are you free to come this evening as well?'

When Kakashi drove home from work he was not nearly as upset as Iruka must have been the day before, but he wasn't pleased either. His fingers tapped at the steering wheel and he couldn't wait to get home and let his unruly foster child know that this wasn't acceptable anymore. One fight to clear the air and chase away the storm was one thing; this second fight was just unreasonable. If Sasuke was angry with Kakashi he would take it out on Kakashi, not on guys that just tried to be friendly.

Kakashi was quite ready to give Sasuke a piece of his mind when he pulled up in the driveway. As he stepped out of the car however, his determination was interrupted by the realization that from his recently bought home came the muffled sound of loud music behind walls. For a moment he just stood beside the car and watched the white building, his mouth slightly open and brow furrowed.

His walk up to the house, unlocking of the door and stepping into the hall was slow, almost hesitating; he wasn't quite sure this was actually his house, had to look around to check, but it seemed right. The shoes were his shoes and Sasuke's shoes and the blue towel on the floor was from Kakashi's morning shower. He knew it was his plates and glasses that rattled in the kitchen cupboards.

Kakashi realized it'd been a long time since he'd come home to this. Their neighbors in the city had been pretty cranky and only once or twice had Sasuke been angry enough to pull something like this there. The thought hit Kakashi that Sasuke must be in heaven, finally being able to put his speakers to good use. It stayed with him, that thought, all the way up the stairs and through the unlocked door to Sasuke's room.

Sasuke flinched and his head turned quickly when the door opened. He was standing by the built in CD case, an opened moving box at his feet and CDs in his hands. The old newspapers they'd used for packing were strewn all over the floor, around the now empty box the stereo and its speakers had been in. The rest of Sasuke's moving boxes stood unopened against a wall.

For a moment they just looked at each other and it felt like weeks since the last time. They had talked the day before, sort of, but not looked at each other like they did now. Kakashi realized he'd missed his foster son and he wanted him back.

The surprise trickled away from Sasuke's features and stance and tired almost-frustration took its place. Not furious storm cloud anger. The change that had started yesterday, the thinning of the clouds, had kept going. What had Kakashi been angry about before again? Were the traces of show down on Sasuke's face, the black eye, the bruises and the band-aids serving as wards of some kind maybe? To keep rainy days away. Iruka would probably be angry at such a suggestion.

Sasuke looked away and put the CDs he'd been holding next to the others. Kakashi took a breath and then let it go. He walked into the room, stepped over old newspapers, to the stereo and killed the music. The suddenness made the silence feel almost as loud as the music. Sasuke didn't move.

"It's not an apartment but the neighbors can still complain," Kakashi said. "Keep it down, will you?"

"Fine," Sasuke said like he didn't care.

Kakashi wanted to say many things, but at the same time he didn't want to say anything. They were talking, finally, and there were so much to say at the same time as all those things had already been said. Sasuke found his words faster.

"I don't want to live here."

"I know," Kakashi said; it was easier to answer. "But I don't want you to live there."

"I know," Sasuke said as if he'd heard it a thousand times instead of just a few.

They both knew, but Kakashi knew why Sasuke had said it. Something had changed and Sasuke knew that Kakashi knew and just wanted to remind him that not everything was different. He was still angry and he still didn't want to live here.

"Don't beat up that kid anymore," Kakashi said eventually. "If he gets to you, deal with it some other way."

"He's an idiot," Sasuke muttered. "He's asking for it."

"So next time don't give him what he wants."

Sasuke took a few seconds of silent tension and frustration before grumbling 'fine'.

Kakashi watched his back and let the silence stay with them for a moment before he spoke again.

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'll come get you when we have to go."

Kakashi turned the music back on and lowered the volume to a non-deafening one. As he went down the stairs he was charged with a sudden longing to see Iruka's face and decided they should car pool to school this time.

-

Iruka called at around nine that Tuesday evening.

"I can not believe this," the man exclaimed. "They're beating each other up!"

Kakashi smiled. Iruka's voice was filled with frustration, disbelief and... and humor, as if he couldn't help himself. Kakashi could practically see him shaking his head and pacing around in the room he was in.

"I have no idea what's gotten into Naruto," Iruka continued. "I'm so sorry about this."

"I'm sorry too," Kakashi said. "My guy is goading your guy."

"That's no excuse for him to behave like this, he... He's turned into a cave man!"

Kakashi snorted in amusement and Iruka did the same.

"This is not funny," Iruka said, but Kakashi could hear that he was smiling.

"I know," Kakashi said.

There was a fluffy thump as Iruka sat down on his couch. There were a few moments of silence that felt wonderfully alright, despite the topic.

"I sent him running," Iruka said eventually with a sigh. "With Lee, you know, his friend. I don't know what else to do. Is this going to work?"

"Of course it is," Kakashi said and brought forth all the seriousness and gentleness that his voice could hold. He wished he was on the couch and could add physical gestures. He'd run his fingers through the man's hair and hold onto his face, make him look into his eyes as he spoke.

"It's going to be okay, it will just take some time. Two fights do not make them mortal enemies."

"Two fights in two days?"

"Sasuke is feeling better."

"Is he?"

"He unpacked his music today," Kakashi said, though he was sure Iruka didn't fully understand how much that meant. "They're going to be okay."

Iruka sighed.

"I hope you're right."

"I'm always right," Kakashi said and enjoyed the snort of amusement that travelled through cords and wires and plastic from Iruka's house to his. "And... I have a plan."

"You have a plan?" Iruka sounded both curious and suspicious, as he should be.

"Yes," Kakashi said. "It's a bit risky, a bit daring and you have a big part in it. You'll have to be strong."

He didn't have to be there to know Iruka raised his eyes toward the ceiling, asking for faith.

-

On Wednesday Sasuke's homeroom teacher did not call Kakashi at work and for a while Kakashi dared to believe his guy had been good. He was in the middle of making dinner, the house vibrating with music from the second floor and the content of the cupboards rattling to the beat, when the phone rang.

'I'm very sorry to disturb you again, but we missed Sasuke-kun in school today. Did someone forget to call him in sick? Will he be back tomorrow?'

Kakashi sighed 'yes, I'm sorry' and 'yes, of course, he'll be all better tomorrow'; then he hung up and turned off the stove before wandering upstairs. Sasuke was moving around CDs in the CD case.

"Skipping school does not count as dealing with it," Kakashi informed him.

"The thought of going made me sick," Sasuke said without taking his eyes off the CDs.

Kakashi sighed.

"Do I need to call Tsunade?"

Sasuke stopped his rummaging around, closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Sighed without making a sound, without actually sighing.

"It's about time for that, isn't it?" Kakashi continued. "And if you won't go to school we have a problem."

"You're okay with me punching a guy's face in but not okay with me skipping one fucking day of school?"

Sasuke looked at Kakashi and his eyes were hard.

"I'm okay with neither."

"Why should I care about what you think?" Sasuke said. "You don't care about what I think."

"Not when what you think is bad for you," Kakashi said. "I want you to live to be twenty."

Sasuke sighed loudly and looked away. He was tense and itching but still not a rain cloud. He was frustrated rather than angry.

"This wasn't necessary," he said, facing the CDs again.

"Maybe not," Kakashi admitted. "But I'd rather be on the safe side."

For a moment it was quiet, only birds singing outside. And a car passed.

"You don't need to call her," Sasuke said eventually.

"Alright," Kakashi said. He hesitated for a moment before deciding he could at least ask. "Do you want to help with dinner?"

"No," Sasuke replied.

-

On Thursday morning they had their first real conversation over breakfast since before the move. Kakashi had made a habit of boiling eggs instead of frying them since they moved and Sasuke was frustrated.

"You don't boil eggs," he said, like it was a rule.

"It's much healthier than fried eggs," Kakashi said. He didn't know if it was, but Iruka boiled eggs a lot and then it couldn't be unhealthy.

"Since when do you care?"

"What's wrong with change?" Kakashi waved with the pot. "Change is good! Change drives the world forward. Now eat your eggs. You need protein, you're growing."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up, whatever," Sasuke muttered. "I'll eat the damned eggs. Fuck…"

Half a toast later Sasuke complained about Kakashi leaving the door unlocked when they were away at school and work. It wasn't the first time, he had cursed something about it during his dark cloud phase the previous week, but this was the first time Kakashi had a chance to explain himself. Sasuke didn't buy that it was that good a neighborhood however and still worried for his stereo and his CDs. Kakashi said it would be very boring for Sasuke to wait out on the porch until he came home from work. Sasuke said with almost a hint of amusement in his voice that normal people gave out keys so waiting on the porch wasn't necessary. Kakashi smiled and said he'd think about it. He had missed his foster son. Sasuke wasn't all back yet, but he was getting closer. Kakashi could see him in the horizon. The clouds grew thinner.

There came no calls from Sasuke's homeroom teacher on Thursday, not while Kakashi was at work and not when he had come home either.

-

Friday morning Sasuke came down to the kitchen in a blue shirt. The flash of color drew Kakashi's attention away from the pot and the eggs jumping around in the water. The guy had worn black since they came here. It was like the ceiling of clouds had broken and let through a stripe of sky. Sasuke noticed the staring and looked at Kakashi.

"What?"

Kakashi shook his head, held back his smile.

"Oh, nothing."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat down. Grabbed a slice of toast from the toaster, then frowned.

"What's this?"

"That," Kakashi said. "Is whole-wheat toast."

Sasuke stared.

"It's healthy!" Kakashi exclaimed and took the egg-pot from the stove with a vivid gesture. "Since when does it kill you to be healthy?"

Sasuke sighed, shook his head and buttered the toast.

"Maybe I just don't like whole-wheat," he muttered.

Kakashi sprayed the eggs with cold water in the sink, then went over to the table to grab a whole-wheat toast of his own.

"What's with all the color?" he asked.

­"Since when does it kill you if I wear color?" Sasuke said without looking up from his breakfast.

Kakashi raised a brow.

"It might, you know," he said. "Maybe I'll get blinded by all the brightness, drop the egg-pot, get scalded and die of an infection."

Sasuke snorted, in what was possibly amusement.

"You're too stupid to die of an infection."

"You're so cruel, Sasuke," Kakashi sniffed.

Sasuke kept chewing his toast.

"By the way," Kakashi changed the subject. "I have a seminar today so I might be late."

"Whatever."

He wouldn't be late of course. He wouldn't be there at all, but Sasuke couldn't find that out until later. Kakashi was both happy and sorry when Sasuke left the house for school without slamming the door. Happy because the sky could be seen now, if only just a few slivers of it; sorry because he was sure the dark clouds would be back again the next time they met. He waited until he was sure the school bus had left with the moody teenager aboard. Then he went up the stairs to Sasuke's room to make the necessary arrangements. Sasuke would be so angry.

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	8. Two of us now

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 8th 2008, Tuesday

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This is not really a new chapter, I just removed this section from the previous chapter and let it stand alone. I like that better.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**08: Two of us now**

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Before he left for work that Friday, Kakashi sat down with the portable phone at the kitchen table. There were two beeps before Iruka picked up. He must have been halfway out the door when the call came, if time was the same there as here; but still politeness and friendliness ruled his voice, letting you ignore that small hint of urgency. Sasuke would have muttered something about faking, but Kakashi smiled genuinely. It could have just been that it was Iruka though.

"Good morning, sweet neighbor," he said. "Have you had a good day so far?"

"Kakashi," Iruka said, sighed softly and shifted. The phone politeness and friendliness melted away and out came worry and relief, despite the urgency. "Good morning. And yes, so far."

"You will do great," Kakashi said.

Iruka sighed again.

"I'm not worried about me," he said. "Naruto just left for the bus. I didn't tell him about tonight because I didn't want him to get too excited and do something stupid in school. Again."

Kakashi chuckled.

"You were clever."

"I didn't dare to tell him!" Iruka sighed again and Kakashi could hear him throw out the arm he had phone free. "You told Sasuke-kun, didn't you?"

Kakashi found himself hesitating; having hoped that wouldn't come up.

"Well..."

"You didn't?" It was almost a shout.

"I'll leave him a note!" Kakashi hurried to say, smiling because he knew that Iruka was. "I did tell him there was a seminar."

"You didn't dare to tell Sasuke-kun either."

"I was clever!" Kakashi protested.

Iruka was shaking his head; still smiling though, that was what mattered.

"It won't work."

"It will," Kakashi said. "But I'm sorry to leave this all on you."

"You have a seminar," Iruka said and sighed again. "It was just bad timing."

The smiles faded on both ends of the line. Silence followed and over-the-phone togetherness.

"I'm just..." Iruka started, but his voice trailed off. "Never mind... I'll live. It's not like they will kill each other. And I can always call the cops if they try. Or Lee, he might get here faster."

The man chuckled with no real amusement to it. A moment of silence followed and Kakashi heard Iruka fiddle with the phone cord.

"What?" he asked softly, knowing Iruka knew what he meant.

"It's... just that... he scares me," Iruka sighed. "Sasuke-kun. A bit. Sometimes. I don't know what to say to him. And he doesn't like me."

Kakashi smiled again.

"Now that's just plain impossible. How can anyone not like you?"

"Kakashi…"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry," Kakashi sighed. "But he doesn't know you. He's just... trying to make sense of all this. He's a good guy."

"I know that."

"It will take time."

"I know. I just... wanted to tell you."

"I'm happy you did," Kakashi said and gave a soft smile. "There's two of us now. This is just a seminar."

"Yeah," Iruka's smile came back, Kakashi could hear it. "Thank you."

"All those things Sasuke says and does," Kakashi said. "His anger, the curses, slamming the door, that's just his shell. That's how he protects himself, because he's afraid. Do you remember that seafood restaurant we went to? The one where we got to pick out crabs from an aquarium and then eat them?"

"Yes," Iruka said, sounding confused but amusedly curious. "Of course I remember."

"Well, Sasuke is like one of those crabs. He's got his shell and his nasty claws and he'll nip if you get too close, but he's soft and real good on the inside. It just takes some time and patience to get to that good stuff."

The man on the other end of the phone and three houses away was laughing. Kakashi got off the chair and went for the closest window in the right direction just to make sure Iruka's house was really there. It was a yellow house. A soft but clear, happy sunshine yellow.

"You can't compare your child to a crab!" Iruka managed to get out. "Especially not one that you've eaten."

Kakashi laughed too. For a while they just laughed. It felt like they were closer than three houses away from each other. It felt like Iruka was there in the room, his laughter not just a sound but also a vibrating chest and shining eyes and the biggest smile in the world. When the silence and afterglow came, Kakashi spoke softly, trying not to break the magic.

"So you see, you'll be fine. I saw you with those crabs, you were great."

"You're horrible," Iruka said and made it sound like a wonderful thing.

"You'll be fine."

"Okay…"

Then it got silent and mushy and Kakashi wished he was three houses away. He didn't have time to run over, Iruka wouldn't allow himself to be late for work. Stupid work. Stupid three houses distance. Iruka cleared his throat and Kakashi could imagine his blush, because he always blushed after he had laughed and when it got silent and mushy.

"Kakashi, tell me it will be fine. You know, everything."

"Everything will be just fine."

"Thank you."

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	9. Guest badges

**Almost Sucks****  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 16th 2006, Thursday  
second version: July 11th 2008, Friday

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When I thought about how I wanted this story to be, before I started writing, I wanted a more grown-up and clever Naruto; one that would outsmart and seduce the bratty Sasuke by being more levelheaded and stable. It didn't quite turn out that way though, but I'm happy it didn't. Naruto wouldn't really be Naruto if he was all stable and grown-up and he can seduce Sasuke just being who he is.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**09: Guest badges**

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Sometimes Kakashi did things that made Sasuke wish he'd rot in a dumpster. Like the time he'd picked a random CD from Sasuke's collection and tossed it out the window as punishment for... whatever it had been; Sasuke had been too busy mourning the rarity he'd spent months chasing down to remember. Kakashi had been remorseful that time; had not meant to grab something that special, he'd said.

The move from the city to here had been another such thing, though Kakashi seemed to show no true remorse for that. The only thing he was sorry about was Sasuke not thinking it was the bestest idea in the world.

It wasn't very often Kakashi did such horrible things however, or Sasuke would have asked for a new foster father years ago. It had certainly never happened before that Kakashi did a thing like that while Sasuke was still recovering from another such thing he had done. So it was surprise, as much as horror, that had Sasuke staring for a long time at the thing that had been pinned to the front door before removing it, with shaking hands.

It was a photograph of the rarest, most valuable piece of his music collection. A collector's edition that Sasuke had paid so much money for it was insane and still been very lucky to get. You couldn't find it anymore. Sasuke had contacts that had very good contacts in the music business but even they wouldn't be able to find another one. On the photograph, below the CD, had been written 'Weekend mission: Sleepover at Iruka's house. Behave. Failure means... death.' The door to the house had been locked probably for the first time since they moved in.

Sasuke was shaking with so much anger he didn't know what to do with himself.

In a way though he was grateful; not because Kakashi was threatening his most valued possession, but because he had given Sasuke a reason to be angry again. As the days since the move had passed Sasuke had been starting to feel... not happy, certainly, but... less furious; less angry, less... less bothered by his surroundings. And he didn't like it. He was betraying his home, his friends, his decision to hate this place so much it disappeared, or so it felt like. He had even unpacked his music.

Sasuke tore the photograph away, snarled a 'fuck!' and kicked the door so the kitchen windows rattled.

It was Friday afternoon and Sasuke had left the bus eternally grateful that the 'bye bye, Sasuke-bastard! See you on Monday!' yell was the last thing he'd hear from the annoying retard blond for two days. He had been in desperate need of that break.

It seemed nothing worked on that guy! Asking him semi-nicely to go away didn't work, neither did asking him not nicely at all. Ignoring him didn't work, insulting him didn't work, beating him up didn't work. Avoiding him entirely by skipping school would have worked if it hadn't been for Kakashi. Naruto had to be the most stubborn and idiotic guy Sasuke had ever come across.

The last two days Sasuke had gone back to ignoring him, as that had seemed to be what annoyed the idiot the most and gave Sasuke the least trouble. At first he had thought it worked, Naruto having been slightly less annoying on Thursday and Friday morning. But after lunch on Friday the blond was back in full force, like he'd just taken a short break.

What made matters even more frustrating was that Sasuke hadn't been very effective in his ignoring. More than once, without meaning to, he had found himself turning to the blond and snarling something in response to whatever Naruto had said (or yelled, that guy rarely used normal speech volume).

The frustrating part about it was that it wasn't just random insults to get Naruto to walk away, like it had been before; these days it was... it was replies; mostly insulting replies, sure, but then Naruto yelled something back and Sasuke found himself replying to that too. It felt too much like a conversation, or an argument, or a social exchange of words and insults, and Sasuke didn't want any of those things with a frustrating blond retard. At least he shouldn't want them. Of course he didn't want them!

Sasuke just really needed to sort himself out. The weekend had been a perfect opportunity. No school, no retard. Kakashi couldn't stop Sasuke from staying home on the weekend. Or so Sasuke had thought. What the hell did the man want anyway? Why was it suddenly so damn important that Sasuke was involved in Kakashi's flirting? Shouldn't Kakashi be the one having sleepovers? Why couldn't he just do the damned man and be done with it?

Iruka chose that moment to show up.

"Ah, Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke spun around and found Kakashi's latest flirt standing on the road in front of the house. There was a hesitant smile on his face and he looked nervous; as if Sasuke was a rabid dog that had to be approached with care or he'd bite your arms off. Too bad Iruka's offspring didn't share the same vision.

"What?"

"Did... did you get Kakashi-san's note? I know you and Naruto haven't been... getting along that well, but... but of course you are welcome stay with us."

"I got his note," Sasuke said, struggling to not snarl, and stuffed the photograph message in a pocket. "Did he tell you where he was going?"

He was genuinely curious about what story the bastard had cooked up.

"The seminar?" A veil of frustration, but not at all aimed at Sasuke, fluttered over Iruka's face, the hesitating smile stumbling. "Two days, ends Saturday evening. He didn't tell you?"

"Oh, the seminar," Sasuke gritted his teeth. "I forgot."

"Oh. Well..." Iruka looked a bit lost for a moment, cleared his throat. "As I said, you can stay with us, but... But I don't want any fighting, between you and Naruto. I don't want anyone to get hurt."

The man really tried but utterly failed to look stern. The inner struggle was clear; the parent part of him said 'no fighting!' and the host part of him said 'be nice to guests or die!' It would have been hilarious if Sasuke had been having a better day. If someone had told Sasuke that Kakashi's new flirt had a fierce side to him that he actually allowed himself to show, he wouldn't have believed it. The whole overly polite housewife vibe Iruka gave off with home made buns and table cloths made it seem impossible. A fierce side that he had completely suppressed, maybe, but not one that he showed.

Sasuke had seen it for himself however, during the pathetic talks that had followed him and Naruto beating each other up in school. And before and after the talks, even though Iruka had tried to hide it behind forced politeness then. He had heard of it too, when Naruto muttered 'you got me so grounded' during one of their not-actually-a-conversation-but-close-enough-that-it-bothers-me exchanging of words. Naruto had apparently gotten into a world of trouble because of the fighting. Sasuke was pleased.

The host part of Iruka seemed to be stronger than the parent part at the moment though.

"But come," he cleared his throat and said, smiling; trying to smooth over the rudeness of assuming that his guest might cause trouble. "We're working on dinner. I usually get home early on Fridays so Naruto and I like to make something special together."

Sasuke closed his eyes and shuddered as the thought of the retard and his caring foster father skipping around in the kitchen smiling and making a special dinner because it was a wonderful special day in a wonderful special world. He left the porch and followed Iruka, promising himself that Kakashi would pay for this.

It was a sunny afternoon, not overly hot but still definitely August. A bunch of kids played in the street in the sun, laughing, in no risk of getting run over by cars. One kid passed them on a bike at what was considered high speed when you were eight or nine years old. Sasuke noticed he sought their attention, 'look how cool I am!' His eyes glued on Sasuke's as he pedaled frantically. So eight year old. He reminded Sasuke of Naruto.

Naruto was going to love this though, wasn't he? This afternoon and evening and the whole day tomorrow; with no classes to escape to and other students to bother them. And Sasuke had to behave. He had a headache already, but Naruto was going to love it. Sasuke had no idea why the guy was so hung up on making friends with him. In the beginning he could have understood that Naruto wanted to be nice and stuff; they were neighbors, Naruto seemed the type to hang out with people and he had known nothing about Sasuke. But that he still kept at it after all the insults and the fighting, that was a mystery. A normal person would have given up. Who wanted to be friends with someone who treated you like crap? Apparently Naruto did.

He had grown slightly less naively cheerful over time, with insults and punches, which told Sasuke he wasn't deaf or stupid enough that he didn't understand that he was being insulted. Naruto glared at Sasuke more often than his blue eyes sparkled with happiness, and since their fights he added a 'bastard' to Sasuke's name. But he had grown no less insistent. It was like he did it just on principle, because he had decided and then he damned well was gonna do it.

Afternoon, evening and one whole day. Kakashi would so pay.

Sasuke was surprised to find that he recognized the smell inside the house as the front door opened. Not just the food, though there was a foody smell there too, but the very smell of the house. It was a fresh smell with a hint of cozy to it that instantly reminded Sasuke of Naruto. Naruto's clothes smelled like this.

Iruka smiled and said 'come in', held open the door while Sasuke stepped over the threshold.

"We're back!" the man called.

"Okay!" a voice Sasuke recognized called back from where he remembered was the kitchen. Naruto sounded like he had been told he had a second birthday and it was today. Sasuke's stomach curled. He hadn't thought he'd be in this house again.

He peeled off his sneakers with his toes and shoved them together with other shoes, under a rack of colorful jackets and coats. The headphones were lifted from their place around his neck and put together with the CD player in his bag; the bag was dropped on the floor next to a big vase that looked like it was made from solid concrete and could be used as a roadblock.

"Would you like to help out with dinner?" Iruka asked, showing the way to the kitchen as if it was the first time Sasuke was here.

"Sure," Sasuke muttered, behaving.

Naruto stood by the sink in a bright yellow apron over a bright blue t-shirt. He looked at Sasuke and grinned like they were best friends, a potato in one hand and a peeler in the other.

"Hey, Sasuke-bastard!" he yelled with way too much happiness for 'bastard'. The second after he caught himself and looked nervously in Iruka's direction. "Err... um, I mean, Sasuke."

The potato dropped into the sink with a 'plop' that said it had fallen into water. Naruto smiled again, nervousness still clinging to his features, and waved. While he couldn't explain why (but it was certainly not because of Iruka) Sasuke felt a surge of nervousness himself. He shrugged it off and narrowed his eyes in reply to Naruto's wave, not confusing 'behave' with 'personality change'. Naruto looked surprised and appalled for half a second, then got over it and narrowed his eyes too.

"Hey, he can help me with this!" he yelled to Iruka.

Iruka was tying a knot behind his back to keep his apron in place, a purple one with what looked like orange fish. He frowned. There was something in his eyes that said they had had a talk before he went to pick up Sasuke.

"He can do the salad." It was in his voice too. Sasuke wasn't the only one supposed to behave.

"I can do the salad," Sasuke said and gave the blond a look.

Naruto's mouth curled together in frustration and he snatched a new potato from the sink so fast the water splashed on the floor.

"I'll help you when I'm done here."

"Don't cut yourself," Iruka said.

"I'm not gonna cut myself!" Naruto whined. Then he yelped as the potato he was working on slipped through his hands. It made a nice arc in the air before it dropped on the floor and slid under the table. Naruto dove after it and almost knocked down Iruka that was carrying a bowl with a bowl of vegetables in it and a knife toward Sasuke.

"Naruto! Calm down."

"They're just slippery," Naruto was still whining, under the table now reaching for the potato. Sasuke couldn't help but snicker, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Not quite like his horror vision of the perfect family with the special Friday together moment.

Iruka switched back to his host face again, gave Sasuke an apologetic look as he stepped around Naruto's legs and put the salad gear on the table.

"Don't mind him, he's... He's just excited."

Naruto chose that moment to scramble out from under the table with a 'ha!' and held the wayward potato high in the air. He gave Sasuke a look of triumph and 'take that!' before hurrying back to the sink.

"Are you sure he's not twelve?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto exclaimed 'hey!', dropping the potato again but this time it plopped into the water. Iruka displayed another struggle between host and parent, between an amused 'not entirely' and 'don't tease him'. The host won again, mostly.

There was a vase with sunflowers on one counter and Sasuke was certain he'd had seen the same flowers wrapped up on a counter in their own kitchen yesterday. The strawberry tablecloth was still there. The sun was on the table too, one slice of light. It cut over Sasuke's arms and made them warmer as he worked the knife through the vegetables.

He had planned to take his time with the salad, because Naruto was so clearly looking for a race, giving Sasuke looks from the sink, the peeler hurrying over the potatoes. Sasuke was not twelve years old and he refused to act like it. But there was something in those blue eyes that made the knife speed up slightly with each vegetable. Not to the point of it really turning into a race, but... enough that Naruto wasn't ignored. It reminded Sasuke of the almost conversations and part of him wanted to stop but he didn't.

Sasuke wondered where his anger had gone. Naruto threw down his last potato with a splash and yelled 'done!'

-

"So, Sasuke-kun... Naruto tells me you're good at sports," Iruka said in an attempt to do something about the mood that had settled over the kitchen table. Sasuke had expected it to show up much sooner, but at least it was here now. The forced atmosphere that came from trying to make things nice when they weren't. It had been amusing at first, watching Iruka trying to glare Naruto into being nice while at the same time keeping up his host face.

Now it was just frustrating. Naruto was glaring at Sasuke over the table, Iruka having only managed to put a stop to his antics, not actually turned him nice. Iruka himself was smiling, acting like this was a dinner to stop a war between nations and he was the mediator. It was the pretending that got to Sasuke. Naruto pretending he wasn't a twelve year old stuck in a fourteen year old body, Iruka pretending this was a pleasant meal, Sasuke himself pretending he wanted to be here. Stupid, damned Kakashi and his taking advantage of Sasuke's weaknesses.

"Good enough to wipe the floor with him," Sasuke said, glancing in Naruto's direction. As expected, the blond tensed immediately.

"That was just...! I was...!" he sputtered, a blush rising to his cheeks, almost yelling until Iruka's glare lowered his voice to a hiss. "I got a bad team."

Sasuke snorted.

"Or maybe your team got a bad member."

"Now now," Iruka held up his hands before Naruto could get out of his chair. For a few seconds it looked like his host face would fall apart, then he gathered himself, turned again to Sasuke with a forced smile. "Are you interested in anything special? Soccer? Basketball? Were you on any teams in the city?"

"No," Sasuke said, feeling his mood plummet at the mentioning of the city. He felt like a traitor, forgetting even for a second that this wasn't home.

"Well, maybe you could join one here," Iruka said. "If you want to."

"I bet he sucks at Playstation," Naruto muttered.

"Maybe you can play together when you're not grounded anymore," Iruka suggested, clearly saying it mostly for the 'you're still grounded' and 'watch it' effect.

Then the conversation was over and the only sounds left to disturb the strained atmosphere were the clinking of forks and knives against plates. Iruka tried a couple more times to lighten things up by asking or sharing something that didn't matter, but all the attempts ended pretty much the same, with insults and glares flying and Iruka's host face cracking in a few more places.

The idea hit Sasuke after dinner, during dessert. Being mentally twelve, Naruto had practically inhaled his cake and ended up with cream pretty much everywhere. Sasuke had been staring, nose wrinkled in disgust, as Naruto licked where he could reach and used spoon and fingers where he couldn't. For once Sasuke had not been the focus of the blond's attention. Iruka must have been trying to keep himself together, or he would have been all over the thorough thrashing of table manners in an instant.

Suddenly and without warning, his eyes following the sweeps of the tongue, Sasuke just knew, a way to get rid of Naruto. Actually it was very logical. Sasuke had tried chasing the guy off with insults and violence, because that was what you did when you didn't want to have someone around you and asking nicely didn't work. Only it had had no effect at all on Naruto, possibly even the opposite effect.

If trying to get rid of someone by pushing them away had no effect or the opposite of what you wanted, logically, couldn't trying to pull them even closer have the effect you wanted? Sasuke's stomach took a spin around itself at just the thought of it, but what was a few seconds of suffering if it could put an end to the constant pestering.

Iruka finally took notice of Naruto, scolded him and swatted his hand away from his face. 'We use tissue,' the man growled. Naruto made a face and sighed. When Naruto's face clean, Iruka took up the topic of sleeping arrangements. He apologized about the couch, saying it wasn't very comfortable, but unfortunately they had no guest room.

Sasuke said that if they had a mattress he could sleep in Naruto's room. Both Naruto and Iruka looked at him in surprise. For a moment there was only the clock and Sasuke's spoon against the plate as he took a piece of his cake.

"It... it's not that bad," Iruka said hesitatingly, as if he was unsure he'd really heard what he thought he'd heard. Understandable. "I wouldn't want you two to... I mean, you..."

His voice trailed off again and he just looked at Sasuke.

"Maybe we could talk," Sasuke said, before putting the spoon in his mouth and sucking the cake off it.

More silence followed and Sasuke was starting to feel amused.

"I won't hit him," he said.

"Oh, I didn't mean to suggest that you'd...!" Iruka hurried to say, naturally, but he did look suspicious. "But you've been... all afternoon you've... You want to talk?"

Iruka looked away from Sasuke to Naruto and asked 'do you want to talk?' Sasuke turned his eyes to the blond as well, and... a frown crept to his face when he saw the blush decorating Naruto's cheeks and the slightly vacant look in his eyes, aimed at Sasuke.

Sasuke was struck with the sudden feeling that he was missing something. There was something very wrong with this idea, though it seemed to be both ingenious and the last option he had left if he wanted to get rid of the blond (aside from migrating to the city or putting Naruto in a long term coma).

A few hours later, Sasuke would feel like the stupidest retard on the planet, but at that time he just didn't get it. He brushed the strange feeling away.

"Naruto?" Iruka said and the blond woke up with a start. Sasuke found himself starting out of something too, at the name, though he wasn't sure what.

"I wanna talk," Naruto blurted. "It's time we made out... I mean 'up'! It's time we made up!"

The blush grew so bright it could stop traffic and Sasuke would feel like knocking his head against a wall a few hours later for not getting it.

"Well... We have a mattress," Iruka said, though it seemed he wasn't sure he was actually saying what he was saying. "If you're really sure."

The man then grew suddenly serious and looked at both Sasuke and Naruto, no host face this time.

"But no fighting. No yelling at each other in the middle of the night and no punching each other."

Sasuke shrugged.

"We'll be good."

"Y-yeah," Naruto stammered. "We'll be good."

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	10. Desperation drove me to it

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 23rd 2006, Thursday  
second version: July 15th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**10: Desperation drove me to it**

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"Why are you such an asshole all the time?"

"If I'm such a damned asshole, why are you stalking me?"

"I'm not...!" Naruto started yelling, then he turned abruptly silent, an 'oops' on his face, before finishing with a hiss. "...stalking you, I'm being nice."

Sasuke gave him a look.

"If you wanted to be nice you would leave me alone."

The look Naruto gave Sasuke was something like a combination of glare, pout, embarrassment and frustration. They were standing in Naruto's room with their backs against the door. Sasuke's arms were wrapped around a rolled up mattress and Naruto's were wrapped around a comforter, a couple of pillows, sheets and covers. It smelled of sleep over. Iruka had given them a long look of doubt before handing over the stuff.

Naruto looked away. Sighed dramatically and left Sasuke's side to dump comforter and things on his bed. The place was clean now, compared to the last time Sasuke had been here. Less pointless stuff spread all over, no toy robots in sight.

"I just think you're... cool!" Naruto threw out with his arms. "We're neighbors, I wanna be friends, what's wrong with that?"

There was nothing wrong with that, Sasuke's mind said. Nothing at all. It was just that Sasuke didn't want any friends here, didn't want to be here at all. He especially didn't want this friend; even if this had been the city he wouldn't have wanted this friend. The blond was too loud and too stupid.

"If you want me to leave you alone," Naruto's eyes were narrowed. "Why didn't you take the couch?"

"Because I want to talk," Sasuke said and shrugged. He left the door too and dropped the mattress on the floor.

"No, you don't," Naruto frowned suspiciously. "About what?"

His lips were pressed together in a pout. Sasuke felt a sliver of... something skip through his stomach. He had been almost excited about his plan before, as excited as he could be in this place he did not want to be in. It would be so amusing to see the look on Naruto's face and it would be such a relief to get rid of him. Sasuke couldn't wait to do it.

At least he was supposed to not be able to wait to do it.

"...I'll go get my bag," Sasuke muttered and before he knew it he was out the door.

He cursed himself all the way down the stairs for stalling. _'What the hell is wrong with you? It's not like you haven't done it before. It can't be that disgusting. And even if it is it will be worth it. Just do it!'_

It was darker now too, dimmed, though the outside would not be real dark for a few hours yet. The first floor was quiet, enough that for a second Sasuke wondered if Iruka had gone out without telling them. He quickly decided that Iruka doing something like that was absurd; the man had to be around somewhere, only he was quiet.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and picked his bag off the floor. _'Just get your ass upstairs and do it'_. On his way back to the stairs, Sasuke was stopped and given half a heart attack when Iruka suddenly peeked out from a room that had to be the living room.

"Are you getting along?" the man asked and seemed nervous. "Are you sure you don't want to take the couch?"

'No', Sasuke's brain muttered.

"Yes," Sasuke said. "We're doing fine."

"You could... watch TV if you'd like," Iruka said. "Naruto is just banned from the Playstation. I'm reading, but it wouldn't bother me. I could make some popcorn."

"No, thanks," Sasuke said and took another step toward the stairs, and one more when Iruka didn't follow.

"Okay," the man smiled nervously. "Let me know if you change your mind."

"Right."

When Sasuke was halfway up the stairs he glanced over his shoulder and found Iruka still standing in the doorway, watching. The man looked caught when Sasuke saw him and snapped out of it, was on his way away when Sasuke's lips started moving, backed up by his vocal cords.

"You know he just wants to get into your pants, right?"

Iruka turned and looked confused.

"Excuse me?"

"Kakashi. He just wants to get into your pants."

"I... don't..." Iruka blushed. Sasuke wasn't sure if the man thought it was a joke. "I-I'm sure that's not it."

"No, really," Sasuke said. "He does it all the time."

Iruka's smile faltered and he almost frowned, then he tried the smile again, but it didn't really work.

"All the time?"

"Yeah."

It was the wrong response. 'Into my pants? I thought he just liked my buns,' would have been more expected, unless Iruka had been aware of what Kakashi was doing and okay with it and he couldn't be; but Sasuke had too much on his mind for it to really sink in.

No, this was not what Kakashi had meant by behaving; Sasuke giving away his intentions and screwing up his chances with the latest flirt, especially since the whole point to this sleepover was increasing his chances, or so Sasuke assumed. But even with the blackmailing, Kakashi wasn't naïve enough to think Sasuke would do nothing. He knew there would be payback, he had to know. Besides, he could probably talk his way out of it anyway. Deny or something. 'Ooh, that kid is mentally challenged, don't trust a word he says.' Whatever.

Sasuke said good night to Iruka and went back up the stairs, leaving the man with his almost frown and failing smile. 'Just do it' was repeating in his head and he hated this sudden, unexpected bout of nervousness. He needed to get this over with. Ripping open the door, Sasuke stalked inside and spoke right after the door had slammed shut.

"Close your eyes," he said, his voice a bit too loud and a bit too impatient.

Naruto looked up from where he sat on his bed, frowning over the fluffy comforter in his lap.

"Huh?"

The mattress had been rolled out on the floor next to Naruto's bed, sheets draped over it. The pillows were covered and ready and Naruto was in the middle of pulling the cover over the last piece of sleepover equipment. He had worked fast. Sasuke sensed an air of impatience in him too, or something like it; his feet jumped against the floor.

"Close your eyes," Sasuke repeated, slower and lower this time, dropped the bag on the floor.

"Why?" Naruto's frown deepened and he looked at Sasuke like Sasuke was a door-to-door salesman trying to get him to buy something. His cheeks were gaining color again and it looked like he was aware that it showed but tried to ignore it.

"I want to show you something," Sasuke tried not to get impatient, though it was hard. Stupid, untrusting... blond. He made his way over and sat down on the mattress in front of Naruto, waited. When Naruto was still frowning Sasuke sighed.

"Just do it."

The large amount of soft 'come on... please?' surprised Sasuke. He met Naruto's eyes and the frown on the blond's brow stumbled and faltered. The blush increased and it wasn't long before Naruto tore his eyes away, pouting rather than frowning. Internally, despite the nervous swirls in his stomach, Sasuke couldn't help but smile. He had always had killer eyes; perfect for getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. He'd used them for candy when he was a kid and used them for cigarettes now. Age restrictions were no match for Sasuke's eyes.

Naruto struggled for another moment with his eyes turned away but in the end gave in and let his lids cover his too blue eyes, muttering 'if you hit me I'll hit you back...'

Sasuke grabbed his knees through the comforter and Naruto flinched at the touch and looked even more nervous.

"What are you doing?" It was clinging to his voice as well.

Sasuke didn't answer. Naruto didn't move, just tensed, as Sasuke heaved himself up off the mattress. Naruto was allowed to be nervous, that was the whole point of this. Sasuke being nervous however was completely unfounded, he had done this countless times, but his stomach swirled anyway.

Maybe it was his CD. Kakashi was not supposed to find out about this, but what if he did? He wasn't supposed to get angry enough to do something stupid either, but what if he did? Yeah, it was probably the CD.

Sasuke inched closer. The comforter was as fluffy as it looked and rustled under Sasuke's hands. Naruto's back, entire body actually, was stiff as a wooden board and he looked like he expected electrocution.

"You don't want to be my friend," Sasuke mumbled and leaned a bit closer. Naruto flinched again at the words, slightly. Sasuke could hear his heart beating.

Then he was suddenly pushed away, Naruto's hands against his shoulders.

"I'm not smoking!"

Sasuke started at the sudden movement and sound and his nerves stumbled as fast frustration came rushing.

"Do you smell any smoke, you retard?"

"Don't call me a retard, you bastard!"

"Stop screaming," Sasuke hissed.

Naruto pouted, an angry pout now. Despite the outburst he hadn't opened his eyes. His eyelashes fluttered as his eyes moved back and forth behind his eyelids. They were light in color, for eyelashes. His cheeks were still red. His hands dropped again and pressed down hard on the comforter, not far from Sasuke's own. The silence only disturbed by heartbeats and fabric rustling came back and Sasuke's anger ran away. Nervous again.

"I do wanna be your friend," Naruto muttered.

Sasuke hesitated for a second before moving closer again, close.

"No, you don't," he said, knowing very well that Naruto would not let it end at that. He wet his lips.

"Yes, I...!" the blond started, agitated again.

The lips opened to let out the words and Sasuke was ready for it, dove right in and cut off the 'do'; no looking back, no second thoughts, tongue first and silently wishing Naruto's reaction wouldn't be biting.

Perfect-neighborhood-in-a-small-town guy and homosexuality. Oil and water. Fish and desert. The impossible combination that would be Sasuke's savior from his stupid retard stalker. If violence pulled him closer...

Sasuke had never been interested in girls; ironically, with the crowd of female fans he had a tendency to gather. He had kissed a few, a friend of a friend once and a couple of fans that had been unexpectedly bold and hard to avoid. But Sasuke didn't like the girls, not like that. It had never really been confusing for him. He liked guys. As naturally and simple as with straight guys liking girls, he liked guys. It had never been something he worried or agonized about. He had stumbled across homophobia here and there, of course, but a broken nose or rib or arm and even the nastiest, cockiest guys changed their mind about teaching him a lesson. His sexuality had been the least of Sasuke's problems over the years.

The lips against Sasuke's were dry and stunned to immobility as Sasuke tasted them. His tongue was equally stunned as Sasuke slid his own over it, trailed the sides of it and the warm inside of the mouth.

Naruto's lids had flown up and revealed his eyes at the impact of lips against lips and tongue against inside of mouth. His blue eyes burrowed into Sasuke's now, closer than they had ever been, reflecting nothing but utter shock. Soon the disgust would come, Sasuke knew. Soon.

His hands were still on Naruto's knees, keeping himself up straight, the comforter between them. Naruto's hands were somewhere else, Sasuke didn't care. The blue eyes and the warm mouth held his attention. Sasuke felt a sudden, violent urge to close his eyes and so he did. The world grew dark, but his mind remembered Naruto's eyes and kept playing them inside. No escape. Sasuke was starting to think that maybe this wasn't such an amazing idea after all.

Naruto's tongue moved slightly, and his lips, and Sasuke opened his eyes again. He found something accompanying the surprise in the inescapable blueness, but he couldn't put a name to what it was. It wasn't disgust though and the doubts about the idea grew stronger. Sasuke's stomach was invaded by cold and warm at the same time.

He closed his eyes again, hesitated for a second before pulling his tongue and mouth back, a soft squishy sound as they parted. The nervousness was there again and Sasuke worried it would eat him up from the inside. It took determination to open his eyes and look.

There was no surprise in Naruto's eyes anymore, but that other thing that had come to keep it company before was still there; still unnamed, but it swirled Sasuke's stomach. He swallowed.

"No, you don't," Sasuke finished.

Naruto pressed his lips together and licked them. That something in his eyes glimmered, then he looked sad, then determined. His hand flew out fast and buried in Sasuke's hair. Before Sasuke could protest or react or even think he was pushed backwards and he fell and twisted and hit the mattress with a thump. Naruto fell with him, over him, but Naruto must have known what he was doing because they didn't crash together as they should have done; it was more like they melted together, were pressed together and Naruto was heavier than he looked; heavier than Sasuke remembered from the last time he'd been pushed down by the blond. The comforter was still there, acting like a thick barrier between their crotches and Sasuke was grateful for it; he shouldn't have anything to hide, but he was grateful.

Sasuke was kissed again. Or maybe this was the first time because the last time he'd been doing the kissing, hadn't he? Was there a difference? Did it matter? Naruto's tongue was hard and soft at the same time, wet and insistent and urgent and his lips were equally overwhelming. Their mouths were open. Naruto probably hadn't done much kissing, if any, before, did not seem to know what he was doing, but for some reason it didn't matter. His desperation made up for... everything really.

Naruto kissed like he talked, Sasuke realized, loud; only his mouth didn't grate on the nerves as his talking did. It blew the nerves away.

Someone made a sound. A throaty, muffled moan that Sasuke hoped Naruto was responsible for, though he had a feeling it was him.

He found his hands grabbing onto Naruto's sleeves, his eyes squeezed closed and his mouth kissing back. As well as he could with Naruto's lack of good timing and skill. Sasuke wasn't used to inexperienced kissers. It felt like the blond tried to eat him. There was a knee between Sasuke's knees. This time Naruto moaned.

The lips lifted from his and the tongue retreated from his mouth. Rapid panting beat against Sasuke's wet lips and he opened his eyes to find Naruto's closed, his whole body heaving from his breaths. He looked exhausted, emotionally more than physically.

Then the realization of what had happened began to sink in; along with what should have happened and what Sasuke was aiming for. Naruto had kissed him. Naruto was not supposed to have kissed him, he was supposed to have pushed Sasuke away and yelled 'eew!' or something equally disgust expressing. Sasuke was supposed to get rid of the blond retard, not kiss back. He had kissed back? Why had he kissed back? What the hell was going on?

"You bastard," Naruto spoke with a shaky voice between pants. Then his eyes opened and they were blazing. "You bastard!"

The blond swirled off Sasuke and away, got tangled in the comforter in the process and stumbled and kicked angrily to get free. Sasuke managed to push his back off the mattress and half-sat, leaning on his hands. His head just wouldn't stop spinning, emotions and thoughts flying all around. Had they just kissed?

"You just did that to get me to hate you, didn't you!? You are such an asshole!"

Naruto pointed accusingly at Sasuke from the other side of the room.

"Well, I won't hate you! I refuse to hate you, Sasuke! I'm gonna love you until I die and then I'm gonna marry you!"

How the hell could Sasuke not have noticed? The blushing, the stalking; Naruto was like one of the fan girls only more difficult to get rid of, gutsy enough to punch Sasuke in the face and not a girl. And Sasuke had kissed him.

'_He's got a crush on me.'_

At the same time as he was stunned, one part of Sasuke wasn't surprised at all; acted like it had known all along and muttered 'finally...' to the rest of him. 'Say something sooner!' he wanted to yell to that apparently well-informed part. 'You knew that idea was moronic!' Imagine the chances, running into a gay perfect-neighborhood-in-a-small-town guy when you desperately didn't need one.

Iruka was yelling something from the stairs. Naruto was still pointing at Sasuke, his hand waving in the air as his body heaved with every hard breath. Sasuke found something rippling through him and put a hand over his mouth. The corners of his lips were pulled towards his ears and a snort came through his nose, followed by another and yet one more. A mix between giggles and snorts and quite uncontrollable.

He was not supposed to be laughing of course, but there was no reason to this anywhere else. Nothing went the way it should, no one acted appropriately; no effect followed the correct cause. And Sasuke's head was still spinning.

.  
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	11. Evil plotting foster father

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 2nd 2006, Thursday  
second version: July 18th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**11: Evil plotting foster father**

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Kakashi didn't have to call. What would he say? 'Did you find my message?' If Sasuke was at Iruka's house and could take the call then Kakashi already knew he had gotten the message. 'I'm sorry'? It wasn't like it had been a mistake; Kakashi had known what he was doing. They weren't a normal family and they both liked that fact. They had their thing going and it was good. They knew how to handle each other.

Still... Kakashi frowned; let his fingers wander on the table toward the phone, just to see what it felt like. As expected they stopped a few inches from the thing, changed course and wandered back again. He sighed. Stared at the ceiling.

Kakashi knew Sasuke. They had lived together for seven years now. Sasuke didn't want to talk on the phone. Sasuke wanted to ignore Kakashi, slam the doors and refuse to speak at dinner. He wanted to throw pissed off glares and sulk so fiercely that he stained the wallpapers with the black cloud around him. You couldn't ignore someone and sulk the walls black quite the right way over the phone. If Kakashi called it would be all wrong. Kakashi not calling was his way of being considerate and caring.

There was no seminar. Kakashi was having a sleepover at work. He'd brought food and managed to kill the alarm.

It had been mostly for Iruka's sake. The man needed to spend some time with Sasuke, to get to know him. They were still strangers and Sasuke was still a mystery to Iruka. A scary mystery, it seemed.

It would be good for Sasuke too. He needed to get over his stubbornness and anger, what he no doubt saw as loyalty towards the city, and let Naruto be his friend already. No, Sasuke was not someone that desperately needed social interaction from his peers and hurried to make friends, but Kakashi was sure that he wanted to with Naruto. It was unexpected; the cheerful blond was not the kind of person Sasuke usually made friends with, but there was no denying the effect Naruto had on Sasuke, and that was the key. Sasuke ignored most people around him. It was not that he never spoke to them or looked at them; he just didn't let them get to him. It wasn't a struggle; it was just the way he worked. Most people didn't matter to Sasuke, beyond that they filled the corridors and streets he walked on and classroom he studied in. They were background; like streetlights that moved and made sounds.

That was another reason Kakashi had done this. He did not want Iruka to become background to Sasuke.

The reason Kakashi had chosen to stage a seminar out of town instead of being a part of the Iruka/Sasuke/Naruto bonding was because Sasuke would not be the same if Kakashi was there. He'd have something familiar and safe to focus on; and he'd know he would get to go back to his room and his music soon. That was not what Kakashi wanted. Now Sasuke would have no choice but to ease up on the anger and behave. Much thanks to the photo Kakashi had left on the door, of course, but you had to do what you had to do. It would have been no good if Sasuke decided he'd had enough and took a bus to the city.

Kakashi got out of the chair and left his office, taking a stroll down the main school corridor, passing the janitor's office and the school nurse's office. The teachers had tried to make the school funnier by letting the students paint on the walls, like graffiti on a leash with more innocent artists. Even though this was a school far from the city, the amount of trees and fields and creeks, fluffy animals and happy kids running around, had Kakashi wonder how much freedom the student artists had been given. The stone floor gave a typical empty school corridor echo when he walked.

He stopped by the staff's lounge, picked up a box of food from the refrigerator and ate it sitting on the leather couch because there was no one was there to tell him not to. When he had first come to the school and been given the unavoidable tour, the first thing the woman guiding him had said when they got into the staff's lounge was 'no eating or drinking coffee on the couch, use the tables'. He had thought it was a joke. Why have a couch with a coffee table if you couldn't drink coffee while sitting there? Five minutes into his first coffee break he'd been lectured by the history teacher and he could have sworn that for the rest of the day the others whispered about and looked at him more than new teachers were usually whispered about and looked at.

After dinner Kakashi realized that the school had many TVs, but no channels. He wasted a couple of hours watching educational videos.

It was more boring than he had thought it would be, this school sleepover. He had planned to work and get so ahead of schedule that he could be lazy until Christmas. He had done some work and could probably be lazy for some time now, but not until Christmas. Working was too boring. What had he been thinking, planning to do it all weekend? Didn't he know himself better by now?

But educational videos were boring too, and boredom brought thinking. Kakashi could have had a great dinner at Iruka's instead of yesterday's leftovers reheated. He wouldn't have had to watch videos about near-extinct frogs in the rain forest or the basics of chemistry to satisfy his need for television. He could have cuddled with Iruka in front of real TV in that sand colored love seat the man had that was so fluffy you could drown in it. They would have been alone too because Sasuke and Naruto would have played upstairs with… robots or something. Wouldn't that be cute?

But no… Kakashi had a mission. Play was for later, if they pulled this off.

-

A few educational videos and some work (because boredom made you desperate) later Kakashi made the phone call. There was ring after ring that made him wince and throw a second glance at the clock. Maybe it was a bit too late? Shouldn't be but... Then there was a click and a muffled yawn blending with a polite-despite-the-hour 'yes?'

"Hey you," Kakashi spoke softly, apologetic.

"Kakashi?" Iruka choked down another yawn. "Hi. Are you still up?"

"Yeah," he shifted the phone in his hand. "It got a bit late. You know those seminar guys, always going on and on about everything and then they just have to go out and drink afterwards. I just got back to the hotel and wanted to call and check on you guys."

"Oh, we're doing fine. Everything is… fine. I think the boys are sleeping though, do you want me to wake…?"

"No, no, no. I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Alright," Iruka gave a tired sigh and yawned again.

"I missed your cooking," Kakashi said.

"My cooking?" Half-choked laughter came from the phone.

"Not just your cooking. Did I wake you?"

"No," Iruka said. "I was just… napping."

"Do you want to get back to it?"

"No, I'm fine. I'm glad you called."

There was something there. Some subtle thing in the way Iruka talked that made Kakashi frown.

"Did something happen?"

"No..." Iruka said. "No fighting; some... friction, yes, but it seems they want to work things out. Sasuke-kun is sleeping in Naruto's room, believe it or not. I feel a bit silly, saying what I said about Sasuke-kun this morning. You're right, he's a good kid."

"But something is bothering you," Kakashi said, because it was even more obvious when Iruka tried to deny it. "It's not about them."

"It's nothing," Iruka sighed. "I'm just… tired and…"

A silence followed. Kakashi waited.

"Do you… Do you do this a lot?" came eventually.

Kakashi's frown deepened and for a moment he worried Iruka might have seen through the lie.

"Do what?"

"This. Us. What we're doing. Do you do that a lot?"

Kakashi frowned even more, unsure.

"You know I haven't been this serious with anyone bef..."

"No," Iruka interrupted. "Not that, not **us**, the kids don't know about that. The flirting, what they see, the..."

"Wait. Hold on," Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut. "Just, hold on."

'The kids,' huh? He should have known Sasuke would do something rebellious. Kakashi shook his head. He heard Iruka's breaths on the other end of the line, a bit shaky.

"What did Sasuke say?" Kakashi asked softly.

Silence for a moment, then Iruka sighed.

"Look, I'm just overreacting. I already knew what he said, it's just... nothing..."

"He's just angry at me," Kakashi said.

"I know that. I know."

"Come on, baby. I want to know what I should yell at him for."

Iruka sniffled and it was half laughter. Kakashi smiled without joy.

"He said you date a lot," Iruka said eventually. "No. He said that you try to get into people's pants a lot. And I know that you used to and I know that what we have is different, that's why I'm overreacting, it's just..."

"Sasuke doesn't know that this is different," Kakashi said. "He thinks I'm just flirting with you."

"I know you're not."

"You're not overreacting."

Iruka sniffled and then it was silent. Kakashi wished he was three houses away from the house he had bought and felt suddenly horrible for lying to Iruka. Maybe it wasn't worth it? But he knew it had to be.

"Will you be here tomorrow night or Sunday morning?" Iruka sighed and broke the silence. "I would feel better if you came Sunday morning, then I wouldn't have to worry about you driving home so late."

"You worry too much," Kakashi said and smiled.

"I love you. I get to worry."

Kakashi's heart warmed.

"I love you too. See you on Sunday."

-

Kakashi had first met Iruka at a big seminar for teachers in the city a few months earlier. Kakashi shouldn't have been there at all, at least not then. He had been about half a day late. Or just on time, depending on how you chose to see it. They had had a good time at the meeting, exchanged phone numbers and promised to do something together again some time, if they were ever in the same area. Iruka had called less than a week later, saying he was going to the city for a conference; 'are you busy?' Kakashi had been very available.

Iruka had been dating women when he was younger. He had always known he was interested in men, but heterosexuality was easier where he lived, he had said. It wasn't until the woman he thought he would marry left him that Iruka decided to stop pretending he was something that he wasn't. Still, he had never really dated a man before. He had tried to, he had said, but things had never quite worked out.

Kakashi had dated a lot, both men and women; he found charm in either gender and didn't like to restrict himself. But his relationships had only been bordering on serious a handful of times and never been as serious as this one was. He'd never thought he'd pull himself and Sasuke up by the roots and move to a whole different place for anyone. Iruka was not the whole reason for the move, but it would be a lie to say he wasn't part of it.

There was something about this, something so special. Kakashi couldn't understand it, but he wanted to grow old with this. Not having ever wanted it before, suddenly Kakashi wanted breakfasts together on Sundays and cuddling in love seats on Friday nights.

He wanted it for himself, but he also wanted it for Sasuke, and sometimes that want was even stronger than the want for himself. It was a strange and scary feeling, to suddenly want something you had never wanted before, something you used to frown on; but Kakashi wanted to form a family with this man.

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	12. One sick guy

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 8th 2006, Wednesday  
second version: July 22nd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**12: One sick guy**

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On the night between Sunday and Monday, Sasuke woke with a burning urge to throw up. He made it halfway to the bathroom before he did.

The walk down the stairs in the morning was a struggle. Sasuke's stomach was all over the place, his head was hurting, his feet acted funny and he was shaking with cold. Why the hell had he decided to go downstairs? He could have just waited for Kakashi to come and tell him he was late. Was it a stubborn pride thing? He should seriously consider having a talk about that with the old lady when they met next time. Sasuke held onto the railing with both hands and it was still a miracle he made it down without falling.

Kakashi's morning pop music from the radio cut through Sasuke's ears worse than usual as he wobbled from the bottom of the stairs to the kitchen doorway, wishing all the way he had something to hold onto. The smell of breakfast clashed horribly with his upset stomach and it took all of his gathered willpower to keep from rushing for the bathroom.

"Finally up, huh?" Kakashi said and it sounded like he was far away. "I was worried you'd stay home again."

With a viselike grip on the doorframe Sasuke heaved his shivering, weak and wobbly self into the kitchen and attempted a glare at the bastard at the table.

"I'm not going," he breathed.

"Come on, Sasuke, we've talked about this. If you don't…"

The sentence was cut off as Kakashi finally turned, his facial expression going from frustrated, to surprised, to seriously worried.

"Hey… Are you alright?"

"You stupid asshole," Sasuke winced, wobbled, took a better grip on the doorframe and steadied himself. "I've been… puking all night."

"I'll call your teacher," Kakashi said, the worrying frown not leaving his face. "You shouldn't be out of bed, Sasuke, you look..."

"On my way," Sasuke grunted and managed to turn himself around without falling. A surge of nausea rushed through him and he closed his eyes, his thoughts screaming at his stomach to wait until he got upstairs and could use the already contaminated bathroom. Lifting the lids again Sasuke grabbed a hold of the bottom of the stairs and the railing with his eyes. 'You can do this,' he told himself. 'Just breathe.'

He breathed. Kakashi said something but Sasuke couldn't quite make out what it was. 'Talk' something, or maybe 'walk'. Who cared? The hammering of Sasuke's head was too loud and he was too focused on making the walk to the railing.

If he hadn't been so weak and nauseous Sasuke would have yelped as his feet were whisked from the floor and the world suddenly turned; then he would have delivered a well-deserved curse to the bastard responsible and punched him. As it was Sasuke just gave a whine and then he threw up. The only comfort was that he was tipped in the direction of the floor when he did it. His throat burned and he coughed.

"There now," Kakashi's voice was close and soft. He wiped Sasuke's mouth off with his sleeve and Sasuke whined again, tried to squirm away but the world was still spinning. "Don't think about that. Let's just get you back upstairs."

Kakashi kept talking as they went up the stairs and his frowning, worried face against the ceiling was the last thing Sasuke saw before his eyes drifted shut.

"Silly, stubborn teenager, you shouldn't walk around when you're sick, you're pale as a sheet. And where does all that food you eat go, huh? You weigh less than a five-year-old. Impossible, stubborn teenager. I'm calling in sick too, someone needs to take care of you."

-

Kakashi had rung the doorbell on Iruka's house a couple of hours before lunch the day before. Sasuke had been packed and ready to leave, just muttering thanks to Iruka for letting him stay there before stalking out.

As soon as they were inside their own house and the door was closed Sasuke had started yelling at Kakashi for making him sleep two nights at practically a stranger's house, for not letting him know earlier, for threatening his CDs, for fucking up his life, for being born. He had been well aware that he was overreacting and was being stupid, but he hadn't cared.

When his yelling was over, Sasuke had left for his room, not wanting an explanation or apology or any other kind of response from Kakashi. He had slammed the door and spent the day smoking inside in rebellion and listening to music louder than usual; had not come out until dinner. All Kakashi's attempts at conversation had been ignored.

And today it was fine. Sasuke could vaguely remember promising himself that he would stay angry for a long time this time, but there was not a trace of that feeling now. He must have puked it out at some point during the night.

Kakashi didn't hold a grudge either, of course; never really did. And even if he had been the type, who could stay angry at someone lying shivering in their bed with a puke bucket at arms reach?

Most of Monday Sasuke slept or wished he was asleep. Kakashi left the TV and came upstairs now and then, bringing painkillers, water or juice or cloths soaked with cold water. One time he came with soup and managed to convince Sasuke to try and eat some. It didn't stay eaten very long. At some point later in the day, Sasuke woke up by the faint ringing of the doorbell. His head was pounding too loud for him to hear anything beyond that bell ringing, but he immediately guessed who it was. Stupid, stalking, retard... Naruto.

'He's in love with me.'

Sasuke cringed, squeezed his eyes shut.

He felt better. It shouldn't be possible to call the headache he had 'better' but it was. Slightly better. It would seem the probably not legal dose of painkillers Kakashi had brought and forced on Sasuke the last time he came upstairs had worked. His stomach had calmed down somewhat too; had probably, finally realized there wasn't anything left to kick out. It was great, feeling better, at the same time as it wasn't. Less headache and nausea to struggle with meant room for more thoughts and Sasuke wasn't very good friends with thoughts at the moment.

He didn't know what to do with the weekend that had just passed. He wanted to forget it had ever happened and he tried but it just kept creeping back; had almost driven him crazy the day before, despite loud music. The unconsciousness he'd spent most of this Monday in had been a welcome relief in a way, as had the ailments themselves because they distracted him.

While unfair, since technically he was the one that had started things (stupid retard brain...), Sasuke also wanted to kick Naruto's ass for doing what he had done. Pull himself together, wobble down the stairs and kick his ass before he left, and before Sasuke had to puke again. It might infect the retard too. He wanted Naruto to suffer through these shivers, the headache and the puking. Did kissing transfer...?

Sasuke scrunched up his face and tried to will the effect of the painkillers out of his system. Consciousness and his brain did not match at the moment. The same illness that plagued his body must have screwed something up in there. It had probably started on Friday, that was why he'd come up with that fucking kiss-him-to-make-him-hate-me idea. On Saturday and Sunday it had stewed and rendered him unable to get the memory of those lips and that tongue out of his head. That had to be it. There was no other reason why such a bad kisser and idiot would affect Sasuke so much. He was just sick.

Sasuke flinched when a knock fell on the door to his room. His heart started pounding and he held his breath.

"Sasuke? Are you awake?" At the sound of Kakashi's voice Sasuke let the breath out and closed his eyes in relief. If the blond had been let into the house... Sasuke didn't know what he'd do.

"No," he grumbled, knowing that unfortunately neither silence nor 'yes' would make the man go away. The relief that had come with finding out there was no unwanted blond outside his door was short lived, as a nervousness slowly rose within Sasuke. The blond had been there, hadn't he? Just before. Who else could it have been? He must have talked with Kakashi and said something and... For some reason, just the thought of that made Sasuke's heart thump harder. Damned sick body...

The door opened and Kakashi's mop of grey hair showed up, a soft smile on his face. There was something gleaming in his eyes however that told Sasuke that he didn't want to hear it, whatever it was.

"I come bearing gifts," the man stepped inside and Sasuke noticed a book and some papers under his arm. Kakashi held up the things and his smile grew. "Homework! Naruto-kun wants me to tell you to get well fast."

Sasuke sighed. Kakashi left the homework on the desk then came to sit on the edge of the bed. The mattress sunk down with his weight. His hand came to feel Sasuke's forehead.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better," Sasuke grumbled and squirmed away. "Stop that."

"Hungry?" Kakashi stopped.

"No," Sasuke snorted. "What time is it?"

"Four thirty. You should try to eat something again if you feel better."

"I said no."

It was quiet for a while. Kakashi watched Sasuke, now and then lifting his hand to fiddle with something; a strand of Sasuke's messy hair, the comforter, something on the nightstand.

"Can I get you anything else?" he asked eventually. Sasuke got the feeling that he'd been running over potential conversation topics in his head, only to come up with nothing.

"No," Sasuke said first, but the look on Kakashi's face changed his mind. "Maybe some water."

Kakashi smiled.

"Alright. More painkillers?"

"Just water."

They could talk later. Sasuke knew there were things left to say, about the day before and everything, but now was not the time.

Kakashi ruffled his hair, softer than he used to. Then he got up, picked the almost empty water glass from the nightstand and headed for the door.

"Naruto said he'd stop by tomorrow with more homework," he said before leaving. "Do you want me to tell him something?"

Sasuke shook his head.

"No."

"Alright," Kakashi said, after a moment of silence. Then he left and closed the door.

Only after he was gone Sasuke remembered that that wasn't true. He wanted Kakashi to tell Naruto to leave him alone.

-

Tuesday was pretty much the same as Monday, only Sasuke refused to take Kakashi's special painkiller concoction again. He lied and said he worried for his brain cells. Kakashi smiled at the joke and the lie and didn't push the matter. Sasuke was sleeping when Naruto came home from school and rung the doorbell this time. The low stack of homework had grown a bit when he woke up.

On Wednesday Sasuke felt better. When he could, he moved around in the house, not as wobbly anymore, ate some or listened to music. Once he joined Kakashi at the TV, instead of just listening to the muffled sound of it through the floor. Sasuke still slept a lot though, and still puked. His mind was still annoying when it came to the weekend and Naruto. He was awake this time when the blond rung the doorbell and conscious enough that he heard muffled voices talk. Naruto was holding back on his yelling. Sasuke pretended to sleep when Kakashi came up the stairs with more homework and asked if he wanted something.

On Thursday Kakashi went to work. It was funny and a bit scary how one turned-off TV could make a house feel so much emptier. Sasuke hadn't realized how much that muffled sound seeping up through the floor had meant. No one came and asked if he wanted water or juice or came with cold, moist towels. But Sasuke felt much better on Thursday, so it probably would have been weird anyway.

He sat down to do get the homework on his desk out of the way some time after lunch. Despite what everyone thought because of his grades, Sasuke was usually pretty lazy with homework. He had good grades, but not because he studied a lot. But the small stack of books and papers kept drawing his attention.

It was when he opened the second book that the piece of paper fluttered out. He failed to grab onto it in the air and watched it land on the floorboard. Sasuke frowned. It was lined and looked ripped out from a notebook; not something he remembered putting there. He leaned down, picked it up and turned it.

'Hi, Sasuke! I hope you're getting better and that…'

Sasuke's body got cold and then hot. Bad handwriting, traces of the three first letters of 'bastard', written and then erased, could be seen behind the exclamation mark. It was definitely not from a teacher.

Sasuke scrunched up the note and tossed it away. Damned retard blond hiding notes in Sasuke's books. Sasuke didn't want to read anything he had written. He didn't want to see him, hear him speak or talk to him. Sasuke snarled and kicked at the desk. His brain had just been starting to behave too. Stupid.

His frustrating thoughts were interrupted as the doorbell rang and Sasuke flinched and grew hot and cold again, for a moment forgetting what time it was. Then he remembered and frowned. He didn't think Naruto would skip school just so that he could go bother Sasuke a few hours earlier than usual. He didn't think Naruto would dare skip at all; found it very hard to believe that Iruka would accept it.

The bell rang again. It could be just a salesman, Sasuke supposed. No need to open the door then. He realized he couldn't think of anyone it could be that he would want to open the door for and turned back to the still opened second book of homework. History. Just reading.

It would be Naruto eventually though. Sasuke couldn't imagine the blond failing to show up just because Kakashi wasn't there to answer the door. If he even knew Kakashi wasn't there, and how could he?

The bell rang a third time, but this one was special. It rang nonstop, like someone held the button down. Sasuke straightened up in the chair and his eyes widened in surprise. No... It couldn't be.

He got out of the chair, went over to the window to look out even though he knew you couldn't see the door from there. He left the room then and hurried down the stairs, ignoring his body's complaints, because it couldn't be, but he knew no one else who would ring the bell like that.

Sasuke arrived: the door was unlocked and ripped open. It couldn't be. But it was.

"Shikamaru?"

"Yo."

The guy on the porch lifted a hand as if swearing an oath. It was not a particularly sunny day but Sasuke still had to squint when facing the brightness of the outside.

But it was Shikamaru. He wore his usual bored expression and his usual bigger-than-Sasuke's headphones around his neck. His hair was the same and his clothes were the same.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy come visit his friend?"

"It's Thursday."

"So?"

Sasuke opened his mouth to answer but realized he didn't know what to say. Indeed, 'so?' But seeing his friend in this place, against the perfect neighborhood background had Sasuke thinking about polar bears in the desert and giraffes at the North Pole. Or turtles, as this was Shikamaru. It made the world and this place feel surreal and at the same time more real than it had ever been. In a way Sasuke felt like he'd been slapped out of a dream.

"What's wrong with you?" Shikamaru frowned. "You look like shit."

"I'm sick," Sasuke frowned too as he remembered and took a step back. "I've been puking for days; I'm not letting you catch it."

Shikamaru sighed and gave Sasuke his 'you are such a bother' look.

"Whatever, it's fine. Come on, just let me in, I've been on the bus for hours."

"No way," Sasuke shook his head. "I'm telling you, it's a fucking horrible bug, you don't want it."

"Maybe I've already had it?"

"You have not, you stupid liar."

Sasuke pulled at the door to close it but Shikamaru was faster and stuck a foot in. Then he flashed forward, grabbed a hold of Sasuke's neck and kissed him. No hesitation, no fuss, tongue not shy; as if he didn't know what 'puking for days' meant. But he found out. Shikamaru made a face afterwards and spat onto the lawn.

"Shit..." he muttered and wiped his mouth with a sleeve. "Can you let me in now?"

Sasuke shook his head and let the door open.

"You're insane."

"Thank you," Shikamaru said and stepped inside. "You taste like vomit."

"There's a reason for that," Sasuke snickered.

It was Shikamaru. Sasuke hadn't seen or talked to his closest friend for almost three weeks.

-

They ended up on Sasuke's bed with a cup of coffee for Shikamaru and a glass of orange juice for Sasuke. Sasuke had showed off his bookcase and Shikamaru had agreed that it was the coolest thing since headphones. He had admired the view, commenting on how green everything was and Sasuke had frowned and said he hadn't noticed. Now they were just talking.

Sasuke still couldn't shake the feeling that this was real now. It could have been a dream twenty minutes ago, but now it was real. Sasuke was happy to see his friend, but at the same time he felt horribly sad.

"Sorry I haven't called," Sasuke said. "It's just been... messy."

"That's alright," Shikamaru sipped his coffee. "I figured."

"It's not alright, I should have called."

"You can call now."

"Yeah."

Shikamaru was Sasuke's closest friend, simply because they hung out together the most and got along the best. Sasuke knew a lot of people in the city and had others he could call 'friend', but Shikamaru was special. They had lived on the same street and been in the same class and had used to do pretty much everything together.

Shikamaru was the laziest person Sasuke knew, and he was crazy smart. If Sasuke could get good grades without really studying, Shikamaru could get top grades without even showing up for class. Well, unless attendance counted and if it was the right subject. He listened to more metal than Sasuke did, but still their taste in music was similar.

"You hate it, don't you?" Shikamaru said. "Here."

"Yeah," Sasuke's voice was drenched in 'duh'. "It's pathetic. Didn't you see the lawns? You could eat off them."

"So? You couldn't eat off Neji's lawns?"

"That's not the same thing," Sasuke frowned.

"You're right," Shikamaru said. "His lawns may be perfect, but the air there will still kill you, unlike here. My lungs got a shock when I stepped off the bus."

"They did not."

"Sure they did," Shikamaru said. He drank more coffee and peered at Sasuke over the cup. "Why don't you try to lighten up about this? I don't think Kakashi is going to change his mind."

"This is not my home," Sasuke said, but it sounded odd this time, forced. Something had changed and it wasn't because Shikamaru was here; that had just made it easier to see. Most of Sasuke's moving boxes were already unpacked.

"So what?" Shikamaru sighed. "There are buses, and phones. Besides, how many years until you're eighteen and can move back on your own?"

Just about three years. Sasuke hadn't thought about it like that.

"Come on," Shikamaru said. "Just let Kakashi have this. He's worried about you."

"He's overreacting," Sasuke mumbled.

"No, he's not."

For a moment it was silent and half of Sasuke wished he was alone so he could cry. It all just felt too reasonable when Shikamaru said it.

"You don't want me back?" Sasuke could have sighed at his own patheticness, but he needed something to argue with, anything. Shikamaru didn't sigh.

"I'd rather be forced to take the bus to see you and know you're here, than having you a couple of minutes walk away and worrying every time you go out with your "friends".

Sasuke sighed and looked away.

"You're overreacting."

"No," Shikamaru said. "I'm not."

Then he sipped some more coffee. Sasuke sat silent, cradling his juice in his hands. A car drove past the house, much slower than the cars that ran past houses in the city.

"You were in on it, weren't you?" Sasuke said eventually. "The move."

"I guess. I told Kakashi it was a good idea."

"Some friend," Sasuke muttered. He should get angry, but he didn't. For some reason he didn't.

Sasuke had never been too concerned with what was generally accepted as being good for you. He smoked and he drank, skipped school from time to time, fought and came home late. Shikamaru did those things too, though he only smoked occasionally. But lately, 'some time before the move' lately, Sasuke had been hanging out more and more with some other friends. There had been more drinking, more skipping school, more fighting; coming home early in the morning instead of late.

They weren't bad people, those other friends, at least Sasuke didn't think so; they were just even more reckless and unconcerned with what was generally accepted as being good for you. Kakashi did not like them however and had told Sasuke on several occasions that he should not spend time with them, giving colorful explanations why. Shikamaru had warned him too. Not that Sasuke had listened. They were overreacting.

"So who gave you the note?" Shikamaru asked and pulled Sasuke away from his thoughts.

"What? W-what note?" he said. Both the change of subject and the mention of the note had startled him. Shikamaru's questioning look turned into an amused smile.

"You've been looking at that scrunched up note there on the floor," he said. "Can't seem to take your eyes off it."

"I... I have not been looking at it," Sasuke snorted. That was ridiculous.

"Oh, and now you're blushing."

"I am not blushing," Sasuke protested, because of course he wasn't.

"Right, so who gave it to you?" Shikamaru poked Sasuke's ribs with a toe.

"It's nothing. Stop that!" he swatted the foot away. "A guy in school has been dropping off homework and left a 'get better' note, that's it. Why did you ring the door this early anyway? You didn't know I was sick."

"I knew you were sick," Shikamaru said. "I went by your school before I came here. And you're changing the subject. Tell me more about this guy."

"He's just a guy! You came to school?"

"Yeah. Now tell me about the guy."

"Wha... I'm telling you he's just a guy." Sasuke sighed but the look in Shikamaru's eyes said he would not accept it. "He's a retard, Kakashi's flirting with his dad, he's blond, he's... stalking me."

"He gave you that black eye?"

"What...?" Sasuke felt the area, but it wasn't tender anymore. "What makes you think it was Naruto?"

"Because apparently he gets to you," Shikamaru said and finished his coffee, put the cup on the nightstand. "He stalks you, you punch him, he punches back. Naruto, was it? You like him."

"What? No!" Sasuke protested. "I punched him so I like him? What happened to the note?"

"He stalks you into punching him, but he's not in a coma and you're not arrested." Shikamaru raised a brow. "Then there's the note and the blushing."

"He talked to you in school?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"No," the friend snorted. "You're looking at it again."

Sasuke snapped his gaze back to Shikamaru and snarled.

"You're so fucking annoying."

"I can't wait to meet this guy."

"You're not meeting him," Sasuke muttered. "And I don't like him."

Had Shikamaru been this frustratingly insightful before the move? Sasuke decided not to mention the kisses.

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	13. Altogether divine and post traumatic

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 16th 2006, Thursday  
second version: July 25th 2008, Friday

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Many times when I write, unexpected things happen. The characters know things that I don't and so the chapters surprise me. This was one such chapter. But I try to just go with the flow. I am so grateful that they come to life for me.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**13: Altogether divine and post-traumatic**

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Naruto wanted to see how Sasuke looked when he was sleeping. He had wanted to ever since he had woken up that Monday almost two weeks ago and realized Sasuke was most likely sleeping in his room three houses away. It had been one of those things that grabs a hold of your mind and refuses to let go no matter how much you try to reason with them. An obsession.

He had tried telling himself that seeing Sasuke sleep was something he would be able to do once they were dating (and yes, Naruto was still determined to make the surly bastard his bride), but before that it would be tricky. You didn't really have many options to see neighbors and classmates when they slept. Unless they for some reason, some time in the future had a school trip that involved a sleepover, but it was unlikely. Their last school trip had been just when Gaara had transferred in and the thing had been a disaster; not just a school trip disaster either, but a disaster for the whole unlucky town they had been visiting.

Naruto had had a dream one night, where he made a mission out of climbing the wall of Sasuke's house and getting into his room through the window. And he'd made it too! The problem, besides it being a dream, was that Sasuke hadn't been home. Naruto had remembered when he finally landed on the floor in Sasuke's room that his future bride was on vacation. Stupid dream.

When he first heard that Sasuke would stay at their house for the weekend, Naruto had not immediately thought about the opportunity to see him sleep. His first thought had been 'yes!', his second had been 'oh no!'. 'Yes!' because... come on. Why wouldn't he want some time together with Sasuke without having annoying girls around or classes to attend? 'Oh no!' because... Alone in his room in the evenings Naruto could tell himself that things had moved in the right direction. Sasuke didn't really ignore him anymore, his insults were more retorts to Naruto's insults now, not battering rams designed to break down Naruto's spirit; they communicated, in their own way. But when he was actually facing his future bride, Naruto was itching all over. Sasuke was so frustrating! Why couldn't he just be nice!? **Normal** nice, not subtly nice-if-you-squint-'til-your-eyes-fall-out. It was like he was teasing and he was so good at it. 'I don't really hate you but I'll pretend because...' Who knew why!?

Naruto assumed it was the combination of it all that made it so hard to handle; love mixing with hormones mixing with the frustration that came with being constantly **sort of** rejected by a guy you wanted to hang with. Three levels of relationship; two being held back by Naruto himself because it was not time for them yet, the other being teased daily with a weird kind of 'maybe' that sounded like 'hell no'. Any guy would be itchy.

Still, Naruto had had no idea that Friday would turn out like it did. The first part, making dinner and eating it, hadn't gone too bad. Iruka had seen every little thing as a potential fist fight and acted accordingly, defusing all insult/communication attempts. It had had the interesting effect of making Sasuke seem a lot less frustrating; not only because he wasn't given a chance to do his teasing 'I don't really hate you but...' thing, but also because compared to Iruka's peace making all other sources of frustration faded away.

The second part of Friday had blown Naruto's mind away. To say Naruto had been surprised when Sasuke said he wanted to sleep in Naruto's room would be an understatement. His jaw had dropped, his brain had started questioning the condition of the ears it was connected to, he thought he had fallen asleep on his food and started dreaming. Even Iruka's brain had questioned the conditions of the ears it was connected to. But Sasuke had said it again and he had ended up in Naruto's room.

Sasuke had been free to go crazy with the insults then, Iruka out of the way, but he hadn't. He wanted to talk, he had said, but he hadn't done much of that either. Maybe instead of 'talk' Sasuke had meant 'communicate'? He had definitely done that.

To say Naruto had been more surprised than he had probably ever been before when Sasuke came closer and kissed him would be... about right. His brain had been chanting 'what if he kisses me?' from the moment Sasuke said 'I could sleep in Naruto's room', it had been chanting twice as fast when Sasuke said 'close your eyes', but when that soft, wet tongue slipped into Naruto's mouth and the lips pressed against his, Naruto had still been so surprised he almost fell off his consciousness.

But could there exist a more enjoyable way to be surprised? Naruto strongly doubted it. Sasuke's lips and tongue had just melted together with his own, sharing a taste of cigarettes mixed with cake; the dark gorgeous eyes had burned trails between them, when they were open. Naruto's insides had been frenzied, his emotions had been frenzied. He hadn't known what to do with himself.

He had known what to do with Sasuke though. Not long after the first kiss had ended, Naruto had gone in for a second one. He hadn't planned on being quite so... aggressive, throwing Sasuke down like that, but when most parts of you are composed of mayhem it's difficult to be... err, composed. Naruto had forgotten everything he had learned about kissing when he had practiced with Lee in sixth grade.

Naruto had known Sasuke was doing it to finally scare him away. He didn't know when the thought had hit him, but he knew. It made sense; had hurt, but it made sense. When the kissing was over, mayhem still ruling, Naruto had yelled at Sasuke for being an asshole and using an expression of love as a weapon. Then he had confessed. He'd even mentioned marriage. After a few seconds of open-mouthed staring, Sasuke had started laughing at him. Through the chaos and embarrassment, Naruto's brain had been amazed, 'he's laughing! He can laugh!' It had added yet another surprise to the day.

It had also done a good job with defusing Iruka when he came in and asked what the ruckus was about. 'I hope you're not fighting,' he had half-said, half-threatened, looking at Naruto; but then Sasuke's badly held back giggle-snorts had confused him. Instead of taking something else away from Naruto's life or moving Sasuke to the couch, he had given Sasuke a toothbrush and a towel and told him to use whatever he wanted in the bathroom. 'It's just down the hall, Naruto can show you.' Then he had left.

When they were alone again Sasuke had managed to stop laughing and had looked as embarrassed as Naruto felt. Naruto had flopped down on the floor, crossed his arms over his chest and for a moment they had just been sitting there, saying nothing, doing nothing, looking at other things. No good insult that suited the situation had come to mind. The memory of Sasuke had burned on Naruto's lips and his mouth had still been wet with saliva that wasn't all his own.

Eventually Sasuke had snarled and got up. 'So show me the damned bathroom,' he had muttered. 'Right,' Naruto had said and showed him the bathroom. When Sasuke came back again he had gone straight to the mattress and hid under the comforter. Curled under a comforter Sasuke looked like a larva.

Naruto had left the room for his own trip to the bathroom and when his face greeted him in the mirror it had been a struggle to take his eyes off his lips. 'Sasuke has been there', his brain had said. 'Sasuke was there'. Naruto could still feel the tingle on his lips and in his mouth, the taste. He neither brushed his teeth nor washed his face. When he came back to his room, a pile of clothes had been lying next to the mattress where Sasuke was hidden. Naruto had stared at it, not able to stop himself; had swallowed and hurried to bed. With the lights off, watching the ceiling, Naruto had mumbled 'good night'. Sasuke had said nothing.

Naruto's brain had been ranting 'he kissed me, he kissed me. I kissed him back.' He had tried to distract himself with thoughts of the embarrassment. He shouldn't have said all those things afterwards. 'I'm gonna love you until I die and then I'm gonna marry you'? How childish could you get? Naruto was embarrassed. But in the darkness, under the comforter, kisses weighed heavier than an awkward confession. Naruto's brain kept ranting until he fell asleep and couldn't keep track of it anymore. _'Our first kiss, and second. He kissed me and I kissed him back...'_

-

Now, one day later, Saturday evening, Naruto lay awake, struggling to not lose to sleep. He was going to wait until he was absolutely sure Sasuke had fallen asleep and then he was going to stare at him. Naruto had remembered his wish to see Sasuke sleep and wondered how he could have forgotten. Luckily, and surprisingly, Sasuke hadn't migrated to the couch. Naruto could have gone downstairs to stare, one floor wouldn't have deterred him, but it would have been a bit risky with Iruka; it was much safer to have Sasuke on a mattress just below Naruto's bed. Still, it was surprising that the delicious bastard had stayed.

The day had been awkward. Sasuke had been in an ignoring/brooding mood, keeping his ears covered by headphones almost constantly. He hadn't ignored Iruka when they sat down to eat, but he hadn't looked at Naruto.

Naruto had woken up early that morning, had headed downstairs as fast as he could. The table had been almost set, the smell of fresh bread bringing some welcome normalcy back to Naruto's life. Iruka had been surprised and instantly suspicious, asking 'why aren't you still sleeping?' Naruto had sighed dramatically and said 'I woke up!' Iruka had asked about Sasuke and Naruto had said he was still sleeping. A questioning about what happened the night before had followed and Naruto had made up a story about some bickering but nothing serious. He was so grateful Iruka didn't ground him for kissing.

'What did you talk about?' Iruka had asked when Naruto's story had made him more curious than suspicious.

'Stuff,' Naruto had said.

Iruka had decided to let Sasuke sleep until he woke up on his own. Naruto hadn't protested. He'd spent his morning cleaning the house with Iruka. Sasuke had come down the stairs around one, looking like he'd slept two hours instead of fourteen. Lunch had been his breakfast.

At first awkwardness and embarrassment because of that stupid confession had kept Naruto from challenging Sasuke's ignoring/brooding mood; but eventually he had realized that if they didn't talk about it now, when would they talk about it? In school? On the bus? With notes in class?

'Say something!' Naruto had exclaimed, turning suddenly in his chair by the desk. He had been pretending to do homework, Sasuke sitting on his mattress doing nothing. He had looked up slowly and glared for a long time before saying 'fuck you.'

'Do you hate me now?' Naruto had asked.

'I've hated you ever since I met you,' Sasuke had muttered, going back to staring at the mattress in front of him.

'You don't hate me! You...!' Naruto had shouted before remembering what came after 'you' and 'what if Iruka overheard?' and stopping himself, lowering his voice to a hiss. '...kissed me!'

'Don't remind me,' Sasuke had muttered.

'You don't kiss people you hate,' Naruto had pointed out and pointed at the brooding future bride.

'You said it yourself,' Sasuke had turned his eyes on Naruto again, like they were weapons. With gorgeous eyes like that, they probably could be. 'I just did it to get you to hate me.'

'You bastard! I...!' Naruto had started to yell but Iruka calling from downstairs had silenced him.

Though it hadn't been about the disagreement/communication at all. Iruka had just wanted them to go outside for a bit instead of sitting inside. 'The weather is lovely!' Sasuke hadn't protested at all and had gone back to ignoring Naruto when they were alone again, outside; He had started walking, headphones covering his ears. For lack of better things to do, Naruto had followed. Sasuke had tried glaring, but when Naruto only glared back he had gone back to just ignoring. Naruto couldn't put his finger on where Sasuke's embarrassment was hiding or what it wanted to say, but somehow he just knew it was there.

Neither Sasuke nor Naruto had tried communicating again. At least not with words; they had glared at each other. Dinner had been frighteningly similar to lunch, only with different food, dessert and less light outside. They had gone to bed early that evening too.

It was darker outside now. The light stayed a while because it was still summer, but it got dark eventually. Sasuke's breathing had been even and of sleep quality for a long time now, but Naruto wanted to be absolutely sure that he was really sleeping. The ceiling spread out like a pale sky above them and Naruto's stomach swirled with nervousness; and excitement. He must have waited long enough now, right? Naruto took a deep breath before turning, heaving up on one elbow and peering over the side of the bed. And rolled his eyes.

Sasuke was still turned away. Instead of a for once relaxed face, for once not glaring eyes and a slightly open mouth, for once not insulting Naruto or using kissing as a weapon, there was a black tousle of hair attached to a larva of comforter.

Naruto turned over on his back again and pouted. Then he grew determined. He sat up, wriggled out of the bed and stepped onto the floor. He tiptoed around the larva, his stomach swirling again because it was so close now. When Sasuke's face finally came into view, Naruto's mouth opened and everything Sasuke had ever said was almost forgiven.

The throat was visible, shimmering, and a collar bone just above the t-shirt. A hand rested on the mattress close to his mouth. His bangs covered one eye. His forehead was set in a frown and his mouth was closed. He was Sasuke even when he slept; but at the same time there was a vulnerability to him that touched something inside Naruto.

"Hey," he found himself whispering before he could decide whether it was a good idea or not. "You know... You make me so frustrated. And stupid. And strange. And... And high."

Naruto fiddled with his hands. It wasn't just this. Not just seeing Sasuke sleeping. It was everything really. This day. Yesterday. Even with the awkwardness and the ignoring/brooding from Sasuke, they had spent one and a half days together; just them. They had kissed. Twice! Naruto had had his tongue inside Sasuke's mouth. His stomach swirled again, not just because of nervousness.

"You make all those girls stupid too," Naruto said, as if hoping some thinking about the girls would stop those not-nervousness-swirls from staying too long. Having them around for too long would be bad.

"You're an ass but they fall in love with you anyway. And you don't care. They probably cry because of you when they're alone, but you don't care. You don't like them."

Amazed by his own boldness, Naruto lifted a hand and brushed the back of his fingers over Sasuke's bangs. Soft, dark hair. He let his fingers slip underneath and reveal that hidden closed eye. He wondered if maybe he wanted Sasuke to wake up. He had started smiling. It was easier when Sasuke didn't talk back.

"Why did you kiss me?" Naruto asked. "You don't really hate me, do you? It... It was nice. Kissing you."

Naruto found the memory of the kisses coming back to him, settling in his stomach like a... need, a craving. He had thought about kissing Sasuke before, it came with being in love, but now... Now he knew the wet impossible softness and the taste. Cigarettes were nasty, but the taste mingling with cake and Sasuke's mouth had been strangely addictive.

"Did you think it was nice? Can I do it again?"

Two kisses was like really wanting candy and Naruto had a whole bag but Iruka only said he could have two and the rest of the bag sat on the kitchen table just teasing.

"I should. You started it."

Naruto leaned down, closer. His eyes locked on the naked throat and the naked collar bone, and then on Sasuke's lips. He swallowed.

"You kissed me without permission too."

He saw Sasuke's eyelids move, the frown grew frownier and the lips parted slightly. A soft throat sound seemed to say 'come on in.'

"Okay," Naruto breathed.

Then he crossed the last distance and he was kissing Sasuke for the third time. Softly at first, hesitatingly touching the inside of Sasuke's upper lip with his tongue. His stomach swirled when the lips slipped further apart and he pushed in further. Naruto slipped a hand under the bangs and over Sasuke's ear and put the other on the mattress. Tilted the head upwards and kissed harder.

A new throat sound came then, this one surprised. Naruto felt the larva move, felt a hand hit his shoulder and one hit his forehead. He couldn't see because he had closed his eyes, but something told him Sasuke had opened his.

Another sound, this one angry, and the hands on his shoulders pressed harder.

One half of Naruto's brain said he should just let go. Craving or no craving, this really wasn't a very nice thing to do. There was a difference between kissing someone while they slept and keeping on kissing them when they woke up and seemed angry about it.

The other half of his brain was overwhelmed with desperation and begged things like 'Come on, Sasuke, you don't hate me. Can't you just forget about pretending that you do for a while?'

Both halves were silenced when a knee found its way out of the comforter and connected hard with Naruto's crotch. Most of everything was silenced really. Except his nerve endings. They were screaming.

Naruto registered that the world moved in some direction, or maybe it was him that moved, but he mostly registered the pain. He thought he was wailing, or something similar too it, but mostly he thought he was in pain. He sort of heard when Sasuke started yelling, but mostly… Mostly he heard the screams of his nerve endings.

"What the fuck are you doing, you fucking retard!?"

Oh, life was horrible. Love was horrible. Sasuke was horrible.

'And I'm horrible too,' Naruto thought and fought the tears. Now and then he caught sight of the ceiling. He supposed he was on the floor and that he hadn't closed his eyes.

"Attacking people in their sleep!? Are you that fucking desperate!?"

"Oww…" Naruto moaned.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, suit yourself! I should do it again."

Naruto's vision started to get more reasonable. He was on the floor. On his back, rolling from side to side. First he saw his desk, then he saw the ceiling, then he saw Sasuke; beautiful, fuming and very awake Sasuke. Arms crossed over his chest. Then the ceiling came back, and the desk and so it looped.

Then the door opened. Naruto struggled to try and sit up and look like he wasn't in horrible pain, but was sure he was failing.

"Are you fighting?" Iruka hissed, clearly not pleased. He looked like he had just woken up. His eyes had to search before they found Naruto, and the look in them changed from not pleased to confused when they did. He looked at Sasuke and then back again.

"What are you doing there, Naruto? And what's wrong with you? Have you been bothering Sasuke-kun?"

Of course the whole thing had to be Naruto's fault. Well, it was, but...

"We were just..." Naruto's voice was a bit higher and more unstable than it usually was. He wanted to cry, No, kissing in itself probably wouldn't get you even more grounded, but kissing guests in their sleep without their permission definitely would.

"He fell off the bed," Sasuke muttered and sounded surprisingly casual.

"Naruto!" Iruka glared.

"I… I was sleeping!" Naruto lied. "It's not like I meant to!"

But Iruka didn't seem to listen. He looked at Sasuke and frowned.

"Are you alright? Did you get hurt?"

"I'm fine. I hit my knee on his balls, but I'll be fine."

"Oh," Iruka said. Then he seemed to think about, before looking back to Naruto. "Oh... Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Naruto forced a smile. "I'll be fine. No fighting."

Iruka hesitated a moment before giving a soft smile.

"Alright. Good night then."

When the door closed and they were alone again Naruto groaned in pain.

"You didn't have to do that, what if I'm sterile?"

"Fuck you," Sasuke muttered. "You deserved it, you perverted retard."

"I didn't knee you when you kissed me without permission."

"No, you were too busy kissing back."

"You kissed back too! You let me in!"

"I was sleeping," Sasuke hissed; then he huffed and looked away, his cheeks coloring.

"I did not think it was nice," he muttered.

Naruto frowned as he felt he should remember where that came from, thought for a moment and then realized.

"Ah!" He pointed at Sasuke, then quickly slapped a hand over his mouth when he remembered they had to be quiet.

"You were awake?" he hissed instead.

"I was dreaming," Sasuke spoke slowly and glared at Naruto. "Or should I say I was having a nightmare?"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and snorted. Then he realized something else.

"Hey," he found a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "If you heard what I said, why didn't you stop me from kissing you?"

Sasuke looked surprised at first, then he looked away with a snort. His cheeks were coloring again.

"I didn't have time," he said, but he was lying.

"You do like me, don't you?" Naruto said.

"You're such a retard," Sasuke shook his head without looking at Naruto.

"You act all cool, but you like me."

"I don't fucking like you!"

Naruto hushed at Sasuke with a finger over his mouth. Those red cheeks looked really cute on him. They looked at each other, Sasuke's eyes throwing lightning bolts and Naruto unable to stop smiling. Eventually Sasuke turned away, dropped down on the mattress and hid under the comforter.

"No use arguing with retards," he muttered.

Then he sat back up again suddenly and his eyes lightning bolted Naruto again.

"If you touch me again, I'll knock out every tooth in your mouth, I don't care what they'll do to me."

He dropped back down again with a flop and a rustle of comforter and then dark hair was all you could see of him. Naruto still couldn't stop smiling. He tiptoed back to his bed, the groin pain easily ignored.

"Good night, Sasuke," he said, lying on his back looking at the ceiling. The smile didn't fade even when Sasuke muttered 'fuck you'. Naruto didn't think he'd ever experienced a more surprising and eventful weekend.

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	14. Gaara of the Sand

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 24th 2006, Friday  
second version: July 29th 2008, Tuesday

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I usually don't write in first person so this was kind of an experiment chapter for me. I don't really know why I wanted to do it, it just felt obvious. Like 'Gaara's chapter should be in first person, duh.'

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**14: Gaara of the Sand**

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I sleep about four hours every night. I go to bed around eleven, whether it's a weekday or weekend, and wake up around three as rested as I get. I spend the rest of the night going for walks, watching the stars that are much more visible out here. They're much better now than they used to be though, my sleeping habits. There were times when I didn't sleep at all.

Around six my brother gets up and around seven my sister does. My brother is obsessed with his looks and stays in the bathroom until my sister can't wait anymore and chases him off. While they go about their morning routines I watch them with one eye and the cartoons on TV with the other. I've already finished everything I need to do before the day starts, because that's what I do when I get tired of walking.

There are not as many things to do here at night as there were in the city. I suppose that's one of the reasons I sleep as much as I do these days. When I lived in the city there were always places to go, people awake that you could watch or bother or kill: always work to do. You didn't have to go to sleep. Sleep was for when you ran out of things to do, and in the city you never did.

At eight, the bus to school shows up for me and Kankuro. Temari likes exercise and takes the bike to the station from where she takes the train to her university. Kankuro gets off the bus before I do, goes to the same school as Lee.

We moved here together when our father died, a little over two years ago. The apartment is not very big, but we don't need more space. It's just the three of us, no mother, and we spend a lot of time elsewhere. My sister with her boyfriend, my brother with his friends and I with Lee.

The first time I really met Lee we fought and hurt each other. He hurt me some, I hurt him a lot; almost killed him. Then came Naruto.

Naruto is one of the most powerful individuals I've met. He's not very clever when it comes to things like math and physics, but he's absolutely brilliant when it comes to being creative and never giving up. He's also brilliant when it comes to inspire and making people want to be the best they can be. He brings out change in people, first by making them see what they really want in their lives and then by making them believe that they are capable of getting it.

He doesn't say the smart things. No logical reasoning that makes sense to your brain and convinces it that change is possible and what you want. He yells things that should make no sense at all, but it strikes right at your heart and it breaks something that has been so integrated with you that you didn't even know it was there. You break and then, when you're broken, you realize that was all you needed. When you pick yourself off the ground, something has changed. You have changed.

That's what he did to me. He hit something in the heart I barely knew I had, hit it so hard that I had no choice but to know that it was there. And when I knew, I couldn't have stopped the change even if I wanted to.

-

Most of the days I have lunch with Naruto. We go to different classes so aside from some breaks lunch is the only time we get together in school.

Naruto talks and smiles a lot during lunch break. He says 'this food is great!' and eats a lot, tells me about everything interesting that has happened since we last saw each other, mostly a lot of things. To Naruto a lot of things count as interesting; monsters he's killed in games on his Playstation, what he had for dinner, what strange dream he's had during the night and what funny thing that teacher in that class said. He talks fast, as if there are a thousand things to say and he wants to get it all out. And he smiles and grins and laughs.

The things he says are meaningless, but I like lunch break nonetheless. It's not about what Naruto says; it's about how it touches you. Like his voice is a physical thing. Some, many, say that he's loud and his voice is annoying. I can understand why they say that, but I like to hear him speak.

This day we sit alone at a table for four. Most of the people have left already and it's quieter now than it was when we got here. Lunch is almost over.

It's Thursday and Naruto worries. His heels jump under the table and he frowns. Uchiha Sasuke is still sick. He's been sick all week. Naruto has been there to drop off homework, he says, but Sasuke has never answered the door. He doesn't say that he's worried, but he is.

Uchiha Sasuke has invaded Naruto's mind and taken up residence. Many lunch break talks have been about him; about his horrible attitude and how frustrating he is, about how he always wears the same kind of black clothes and about his hair and how much fixing it must need.

When we're away from school Naruto talks about the other things, about love, future marriage and how he hopes the fighting is a cover for something else; or I tease him, about Sasuke in the showers or what the fighting is a cover for.

This week Naruto has been now and then thrilled, now and then worried, now and then cranky and constantly edgy. Sasuke spent the weekend at Naruto's house because his foster father pretended to be away at a seminar and now Sasuke is sick.

Naruto has told me most of what happened. Sasuke kissed him to scare him off; Naruto kissed back and then kissed him again when Sasuke was sleeping. Their relations are amusing but I don't like how they confuse Naruto.

One day he talks about the weekend grinning with glittering eyes, the other he mutters and kicks dirt just thinking about it. Sometimes he's convinced that Sasuke isn't sick at all, that he's just faking because he's afraid of facing Naruto again. Sometimes he's not so sure and worries that it's something serious. He says he knows that Sasuke likes him, despite the attitude and the fighting, and that's why it's so frustrating; but now and then I see the doubt and confusion in his eyes.

It makes something simmer in me; something I don't want simmering.

"He's such an asshole!" Naruto exclaims "He's been gone for four days!"

He looks at me expectantly, frowning. He's been talking for a while now with me just listening, but he's getting tired of it now.

"Hey, Gaara?"

"You could break into his house and confront him."

Naruto's frustration weakens and he begins to pout.

"But what if he's really sick?" he whines.

"It's probably just the flu," I say. "Nothing that will kill him."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm stalking him," I lie.

Naruto snorts, doesn't believe me.

"He's such an asshole..."

He pushes some carrots around on his plate with his fork for a moment before he looks at me again.

"Wanna come over today?"

"Sure," I say and his frown fades some. He eats the carrots left on his plate.

-

I knew of Uchiha Sasuke long before he came here. I knew of him before I came here too. I never met him in person but I had seen him from a distance and I had heard of him.

They said he was a good fighter, that he was popular with the girls and that he had spent years at a mental institution after his brother killed his family. They also said that he played with both the Leaf and the Sound without joining either and got away with it. They wondered why.

The Sand, the Leaf, the Sound and other ones. Factions. It was just a pretty word for gangs really. You joined and got a secret hideout, friends and some rules to follow. The rules were fairly simple; you didn't share secrets, you respected your friends, things like that. And you didn't hang out with the other factions without good reasons. There hadn't been an outright war for years but there was tension and no friends cross-faction.

Since Uchiha Sasuke never joined either the Leaf or the Sound, one could argue that the rules didn't apply to him, but of course they did.

I never cared about him, never cared about most things, but of all the gossip I heard from people that didn't know I was there, the ones about Uchiha Sasuke had stuck. I suppose it was his bloody history, as such things had appealed to me in those days.

I was surprised to hear that both of us had found our way to this small place.

**-**

Iruka has given Naruto a note with groceries so we get off the bus by the store, a few stops from his house. The door slides open before us and Naruto smiles and waves at Yumi the cashier, a pretty woman that looks younger than she is and always smiles and waves back.

I take a wire basket and Naruto takes one too, to make things fair. I never carry the basket when Lee takes me shopping. He says its training and takes all of them, sometimes several on each arm. I get to take things from the shelves instead. Milk and bread, pasta, loads of meat and vegetables. He smiles at me all the time. Naruto smiles too, I suppose, but there is a difference. Lee's smile and Naruto's smile might look the same to someone, but to me they are miles apart. Lee's smile makes me feel warm and alive.

"Do you think he buys his cigarettes here?" Naruto asks without specifying. He doesn't have to. I put the two packs of milk in my basket and go to get the apples.

"Maybe. How many of these?"

"Ah," Naruto hurries after me and fishes out the note, wrinkled after spending a day in the pocket of his jacket. "Um, five. The red, small ones. He could easily convince Yumi to let him buy even though he's not allowed. There's can't be a girl alive that can resist him."

I heard from Iruka that Naruto fell instantly in love with Yumi when he saw her; one of those innocent, with-eyes-sparkling crushes that only eight-year-olds are capable of. I think he even confessed. He got over it but she's still his favorite cashier.

"You can't resist him either," I say but I don't think he heard.

"It's bad, you know! Those things are gonna kill him."

Naruto gave a gasp and froze with his hand an inch from a can on a shelf.

"Maybe that's why he's sick. Maybe he's got lung cancer!"

"Yes," I say, paying more attention to the apples. "Because I'm sure he started smoking when he was an infant and goes through five packs a day."

"You... You don't have to smoke that much, do you?" Naruto asks hesitatingly. I don't need to look to know that he's frowning.

When we pay he tells Yumi not to sell any cigarettes to any new really good-looking guys our age. He says he'll never forgive her if she does. She smiles and says of course she won't, 'minors have to stick to gum'. We pack up our things and then we leave.

After getting to his house and helping Iruka to put away the groceries, Naruto shows me where Sasuke lives. He is loud and overdramatic and uses the term 'the new neighbors' instead of 'my future bride', in case Iruka overhears. He's keeping the marriage thing a secret for now, he's told me, doesn't want Iruka to worry. When I tease and ask if we shouldn't just go and confess already, Naruto growls and drags me off to his room.

At some point the mood changes. I sit in the armchair. He stands by the open window, leaning on the sill. The sun is on his face and his hair seems even more blond and shining; one foot supports his weight and the other pokes toes against the floorboards. There is a small frown on his face that could just be there because the sun is in his eyes, but I think about the weekend.

Naruto can be overly dramatic and overly optimistic and he can charge at things without thinking because he just knows what's right; but he can also be solemn and reflect on things. He seems to grow several years when he does that.

He told me what happened but I can't help but feel that there's something more to it. Maybe there is. Maybe there is something there that matters but he can't put words to it, or even single it out. Sometimes something is so different about him now, and it has been there all week; like there were two months between Friday and Monday.

"What happened this weekend?" I ask.

He doesn't look surprised, doesn't look away from the view and the sun. Doesn't say 'I've already told you what happened.' That was Monday and this is Thursday and we both know it.

"I don't know," he says. Then he glances at me, turning his head slightly.

"I can still feel it, you know? When I close my eyes and remember, my lips still tingle. Like he's still there."

I watch him. He smiles, but with less joy than there should be.

"I want to go spy on him," Naruto continues. "I want to break into his house, and kiss him again. I think he would like that too."

Then he sighs.

"But he would punch out my teeth anyway," Naruto mutters. "He's so frustrating."

I don't know why he is so sure that Sasuke likes him, when at the same time he's so sure he would get violent. It makes sense to me, who knows more about Sasuke and what he's been through, but how does Naruto know?

It is that innate wisdom of his. Naruto just knows, even when he doesn't know that he knows.

I have no doubt that Naruto could do to Uchiha Sasuke what he did to me. He could hit his heart and bring him change. But does Uchiha Sasuke want to be changed? I wanted to. I yearned for it, for something different, my siblings not fearing me any more, but does he? And does Naruto care?

"I had no idea you were such a stalker," I say and as expected the mood is infected by Naruto's indignity.

"I'm not a stalker!" he exclaims and turns away from the window to face me. "I just like him, and he likes me. Can I help that he's too stubborn to admit it?"

"Do you even know he's gay?"

"He kissed me! As a weapon!" Naruto crosses his arms over his chest. "You wouldn't do that if you weren't at least a little gay, would you?"

I open my mouth to reply but he stops me.

"No! Don't say anything! I don't want you to confuse me."

He sniffs and drops down on his bed, rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling.

No, he probably gets enough confusion from Sasuke. And no, Naruto probably wouldn't care if Sasuke didn't want to change. Because he cares too much about people to let them hurt themselves. He would see Sasuke's ways and cringe at the sadness in them. 'How can you push away love!?' he would exclaim and his eyes would tear up and he would shake. And he would do what he had to do.

"Hey, Gaara?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think I'll turn into a smoker if I kiss him too much?"

-

That night I walk longer than usual, taking a route I don't walk very often. The sky is clear and I can see the stars. They're not bright tonight, but they're there. It's cool outside but still August. Dark, but I stay close to the streetlights along the road.

It's quiet; the steps of the one following me can't be heard. My time in the city, with the Sand, honed many skills however and I can sense him clearly. I sense no hostility and let him follow me for a while, until he starts to get closer. Then I stop. He does too.

"What do you want?" I ask and it's quiet and still for a moment. Then I hear him take a few steps closer, hear him for the first time. It's intentional; his way of saying 'I come in peace,' without actually saying it.

"Just talk," he says.

I turn and see him standing in the shadows on the path behind me. We're on a narrow trail running from one road to another through a small pine grove. I know his face.

"You're Uchiha Sasuke's friend."

"Yeah," he shifts "Nara Shikamaru."

"I saw you at his house today. You saw me and I scared you. And I scare you now."

He stands like he wasn't scared but he is. His voice is stable and he talks like I was just anyone, but he knows who I am. There is no doubt that he is scared.

"You're Gaara of the Sand," he says. "Right? Those bangs hide something, don't they?"

I raise a brow. He is bold for a someone who's heart is racing that fast. I lift my hair to show him what he expects to see. The red Japanese kanji of love. I used keep my hair short to show it off because the people around me all knew the meaning of that red letter. I used to like seeing people scared.

I keep it longer these days, because I'm not the same.

"But I quit," I saw. "It's just Gaara."

"I don't want Sasuke to get hurt."

"What makes you think he'd get hurt?" I ask, but I know what he's thinking. Sasuke's connected to the Sound and the Sound murdered my father.

Nara Shikamaru seems to make a decision and straightens, relaxes, slides a hint of a smile on his lips; as if he wasn't facing who he's facing.

"A lot of the times he's a bother," he says. "He's stubborn and can be amazingly stupid for a smart guy. But he's my friend and I will not let you hurt him."

For a few seconds I don't understand and I frown. Then I realize and I can't help but smile. So that's what this is about?

"You want me to kill you," I say. "You're a member of the Leaf, unlike your friend. You threaten me, I kill you, they kill me and your dear friend is safe."

He isn't smiling anymore. His gaze is hard; he is determined.

"It's genius," I continue. "I'm a well-known murderer; the Leaf won't hesitate to put me down if I kill one of their children. And because I quit they don't have to worry about the Sand retaliating. My siblings will be angry but they don't have enough influence to change anyone's mind."

I smile. He flinches without wanting to. He seems impatient, must want it to be over.

"Your dear friend will get to cry over another coffin, but at least he will be safe. Safe and alive to grow up and fall in love, you're so noble. I assume you've taken precautions to make sure I don't run after your dear Sasuke right after you're dead?"

"You won't hurt him," Nara Shikamaru's voice is low. His hand is clenched around something in his pocket. Cell phone maybe? For his last call. I let some silence and watching him build up the tension.

"No, I won't," I say eventually and shrug. "I don't care about the Leaf or the Sound, but I have a friend who's very fond of your friend and I don't want to make him cry."

Nara Shikamaru blinks, surprise all over his face; as if the path is suddenly invaded by pink unicorns. But I suppose in his eyes this is about as bizarre.

"Sorry to ruin your show," I say before I turn and start walking again. "Let's throw rice at their wedding instead."

I lift a hand and let that be my 'see you'.

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	15. Falling into disrepair and out of it

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 31st 2006, Friday  
second version: August 1st 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**15: Falling into disrepair and out of it**

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They stood side by side in the open window and blew cigarette smoke toward the sky; Sasuke to the left and Shikamaru to the right, just like they used to do when Sasuke had lived in the city. Smoking inside was a no no, Kakashi said. The man had few rules and most of them could be nudged or bent if he was in the right mood, but that one he was always firm on. So they had leaned out the window when they didn't have the energy to go outside, which was often.

It was a whole different view though. The trees were so close you could almost touch them, kept both on backyards and in front of the houses. There were lawns that were so green Shikamaru was sure they sparkled on really sunny days; shrubberies and rosebushes. Beyond the town you could see countryside. Fields, spread out buildings that had to be farms and a whole damned forest!

In the city Sasuke's window had been on the wrong side of the building. You had seen rooftops, concrete or brick walls. The only green things in sight were of the park squeezed in next to the river, standing out as slices of thin nature between buildings. No lawns, no shrubberies. Sasuke's Bleeding Heart, while it had some shrubbery qualities to it, was on the inside and didn't count. Of course, with the smog those thin slices of green never appeared very green. It also gave you few opportunities to watch the sky.

Then you had all the other things about the city. The air you had to breathe, even though you were constantly told it would eventually kill you. The sounds, the city was never quiet; and the lights, it was never dark. Even in the middle of the night there was always something making noises, always something chasing away the shadows. And there would always be someone else not too far away. No air, no silence, no darkness, no solitude.

Shikamaru had noticed those things about the city, what it lacked, and he had found it depressing; but Sasuke hadn't seemed to mind, or even notice. It almost made it even more depressing, coming to a place like this. The differences became so clear and Shikamaru was reminded of what he missed. He wanted to live in a place like this some day.

"Did you know Kakashi's making me eat whole-wheat?" Sasuke asked and blew out a thin stream of smoke.

"I didn't," Shikamaru frowned. "Really?"

"I think it's that flirt of his, Naruto's dad. He's a health freak."

"Naruto's dad? Don't you mean your stalker slash secret crush's dad?"

"Shut up," Sasuke groaned. "I never should have told you. I don't like him."

Shikamaru snickered and they smoked in silence for a moment. The clouds had eased up a bit and sometimes the sun managed to get through to warm their arms and faces. The lawns did kind of sparkle. It was very dark over the forest in the horizon though.

Shikamaru had first known Sasuke as just a guy at school. Well, maybe not **just** a guy; he had stood out. Even when he was only eight the girls had wanted him and the guys had either wanted to be him, be friends with him or found him highly annoying.

Sasuke himself had just been angry and, despite having a throng of wanna-be girlfriends, friends and enemies, alone. He had scowled constantly and ignored everyone that tried to get close to him. Some days he had radiated aggression, others lethargy. The first and only time Shikamaru had seen him smile in those days was when he beat up three twelve year olds at the same time after school without breaking a sweat. No, Uchiha Sasuke was not just another eight year old.

They lived close to each other, on the same street in the same kind of apartment building. Shikamaru had seen Sasuke around, but never cared much about it. He's got to live somewhere, Shikamaru had thought.

They were around eleven when their friendship started forming. They ran into each other by accident first, on the roof, in the store, on the way home from school. Eventually they started doing it on purpose. Sasuke had calmed down some then. He was still scowling, asocial and only smiled when he beat someone up, but the years had formed a less aggressive version of him.

Shikamaru, like everyone, had heard rumors about the school's most popular guy; rumors about his past, his present and his family. He had found them a bit too exaggerated however. Yes, there would surely be a reason why Sasuke was the way he was; but how likely that it was that picked-out-of-a-comic? Shikamaru had blamed much of it on Sasuke's popularity; the cool guys get the most dramatic reasons for being angry.

Then one afternoon up on the roof of Shikamaru's apartment building, not long after they started hanging out on purpose, Sasuke had just shared and Shikamaru had been shocked at how unexaggerated the rumors had been. Sasuke's older brother had killed their parents when Sasuke was five and a half. Sasuke had lived in a mental institution for three years before moving in with Kakashi.

'I was pretty fucked up for a while,' Sasuke had said, chewing at his knuckles, his teeth tearing up old wounds that hadn't had time to heal. 'But I'm better now. I still have to see a shrink but I'm out of that place.'

The moment that followed Shikamaru still remembered vividly. A burning rage and distinct madness had swept over Sasuke's eyes and Shikamaru's guts had chilled even before the words came.

'I'm going to kill him.'

No need to ask who. His voice had been madness as well. Shikamaru had suddenly doubted the sanity of the people in charge of discharging at Sasuke's old mental institution.

But things had changed since then, a lot. 'Never underestimate some time, a brilliant psychiatrist and good friends,' Sasuke's shrink had said.

-

"Shit," Sasuke quickly crushed his cigarette against the window sill before snatching Shikamaru's from his lips and repeating the process. Then he elbowed Shikamaru away and closed the window before dragging them both away from it.

"Um...?"

"The school bus," Sasuke hissed, as if someone were spying on them. Shikamaru frowned, then realized.

"Oh, the secret cru..."

A well-aimed kick from Sasuke turned the end of the sentence to a yelp. Shikamaru grabbed his shin and sat down on the floor.

"I told you to shut up about that," Sasuke took a peek outside before quickly hiding behind the wall again. "I don't like him."

"Yeah," Shikamaru drawled. "You're so subtly not caring."

"He's still a stalker," Sasuke said and dared another glance. "He hasn't seen me since Sunday, who knows what he'll do if he finds me smoking in the window."

Shikamaru raised a brow, but Sasuke was too focused on the school bus to notice.

"Sunday?" he asked.

Sasuke tensed and the look on his face spelled nothing but 'oops.'

"Kakashi dumped me there for the weekend," he muttered without facing Shikamaru. "He had a seminar. Picked me up on Sunday."

"You spent the night at his place?"

"Don't make it sound so dirty! It wasn't like I wanted to, that bastard Kakashi blackmailed me."

"What happened?"

"Nothing! Just... Nothing," Sasuke looked frustrated. "Can't you go home already?"

"And miss a friend's budding love life?"

The friend sighed. Shikamaru decided not to push it. One time Sasuke had told Shikamaru that a crush was something that was supposed to have been friendship, but had gone wrong somewhere on the way. It was a messed up, irrational and clingy version of friendship that was entirely unnecessary if you already had friends.

'What about attraction?' Shikamaru had asked.

'That's just hormones,' Sasuke had replied.

They had both been kind of drunk that time and it had been a couple of years ago, but Shikamaru was sure Sasuke's opinion on crushes and falling in love had not changed remarkably. Sasuke had friends, but he had never actually dated. He played around more than one would assume from his personality, on parties and such gatherings, but those associations were just what Sasuke had called hormones that time. Just for fun. Only on very rare occasions had they lasted more than a couple of hours.

There was something about this Naruto however. Shikamaru wasn't sure he had ever seen his friend this worked up about a stalker before, and he had had many. Naruto got to Sasuke, there was something there. Shikamaru had always felt that it would take something out of the ordinary for Sasuke to fall in love. It would have to be something he hadn't faced before, something that surprised him and ran him over and had him so distracted that he didn't remember that love was entirely unnecessary. Sasuke wouldn't fall in love; he would just wake up one day and be in love.

That was why all those girls, and an occasional boy, who worshipped him from afar and confessed while blushing so hard they could melt the ice off the poles, would always be rejected. And why the guys who saw it as a challenge to win the heart of the ever cool and gorgeous Uchiha Sasuke, would never get more than a make-out session if they were lucky and some broken bones if they weren't. Because Sasuke had seen all that before.

Despite his teasing, Shikamaru didn't know if this was that thing or if maybe Sasuke was just distracted and disrupted by the move. He could be right when he said 'I don't like him', at least in that meaning of the word. But there was something there.

Sasuke's watching the school bus ended and he slumped down next to Shikamaru.

"He wasn't on it."

"You sound like you lost Christmas."

Sasuke punched Shikamaru's shoulder.

"I don't like him."

"If you say so."

If this was that thing, it wouldn't hurt if Sasuke was kept in the dark about it for now. Shikamaru could be patient, the gossip would come eventually.

-

Later they stood together in the hall, Shikamaru getting ready to go. He had decided to leave earlier to do some stalking himself before going back home, check up on the Naruto guy; though he kept that a secret from Sasuke. No need for him to start ranting again.

"Call, alright?" Sasuke said.

"You call too," Shikamaru said. "Keep me updated on things with that Naruto. Uchiha Sasuke and a retard stalker. Might even pull a laugh out of Neji."

Sasuke snorted and shook his head, but smiled.

"Yeah, and then he'd tell you to stop joking."

"Definitely."

"Because you would be joking."

"So you keep saying."

"I don't like him."

Shikamaru stepped closer, slipped a hand behind Sasuke's head and pressed their foreheads together.

"Look, you know I don't really care what you do with that guy, or don't do. I just don't want you to throw away something that you might want to keep, just because you don't want to accept that you might want to keep it."

Sasuke sighed and looked away but Shikamaru used his free hand to take him back.

"Same goes for this place. You don't have to hate it and you don't have to be angry all the time. You won't betray us if you find something good here. You can be okay here. It won't mean you don't care about me or the guys back home or the city."

It was silent. Not a sound. Shikamaru was overcome with a sudden, violent urge to stay. He knew he had hit home, with the guilt; Sasuke's eyes were swimming with conflicting emotions.

"You sound like the old lady," the friend muttered eventually.

"Well, she's a smart old lady."

"So are you," Sasuke almost whispered.

And the emotions got to Shikamaru as well. It had been a long time since he'd last seen Sasuke. He meant what he had said about rather having Sasuke here than in the city, but that didn't mean it was easy. Home had been empty lately.

"Smart or an old lady?"

Sasuke chuckled and shook his head. Shikamaru realized he probably hadn't been smiling much since he came here.

"Just think about it," Shikamaru said and let go of Sasuke's head. "For me."

"Alright," Sasuke said. "For you."

It was over and Shikamaru pressed down the door handle. Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Say hi to Neji for me."

"Yeah," Shikamaru said.

Then he opened the door, threw one last glance at Sasuke before turning and taking one step out on the porch. Just one step, because what he saw on the street stopped him as effectively as a brick wall would have. He stood frozen for a moment; then he went back inside again and shut the door.

"Shit."

"What?" Sasuke was frowning. "What are you doing?"

"Shit, shit… Fuck. Why does shit like this always happen to me?"

"What!?"

"Didn't you see who that was?" Shikamaru asked, his heart racing. "No, you never saw him back then, did you? Shit."

"What are you talking about? I didn't see anyone, your crazy assed head was in the way. Hang on, the kitchen window is..."

Sasuke turned to move but Shikamaru grabbed a hold of his arm.

"No!"

Then he thought about it for a second and with much hesitation let him go.

"Alright, okay, but… careful."

Sasuke shook his head, breathed a 'seriously' and went into the kitchen. Shikamaru tried to make his heart calm down. Yes, it was bad, but maybe it wasn't...

"That was Naruto," Sasuke said and came back.

Shikamaru groaned, but somewhere he wasn't surprised. Of course that was Naruto. Of course the guy that might be Sasuke's first crush would keep bad company.

"Okay, but I didn't mean the blond. The other guy, have you seen that other guy before?"

Sasuke frowned, then he took a second trip to the kitchen.

"What, eyeliner boy? Yeah, I've seen him around in school. Same grade, different class. He talked to me once, seemed a bit fucked up."

"Do you know you're lucky to be alive?" Shikamaru leaned closer and hissed. "That's Gaara of the Sand."

"The Sand?"

Sasuke went to look again but Shikamaru held him back.

"Gaara of the Sand?" Sasuke looked skeptical. "As in that crazy and crazy dangerous murdering guy with the Sand? Are you sure? Why would he be here?"

"I'm sure and I have no idea," Shikamaru said. "I just know he vanished a few years back and everyone was relieved."

"Oh," Sasuke looked like he couldn't decide whether to be confused or worried. For a moment there was silence, but Shikamaru barely noticed through the frantic workings of his brain.

"I don't think I was very nice to him," Sasuke said eventually, his features settling on a 'kind of confused and a little worried' compromise. "I think I called him a retard."

Sometimes Shikamaru hated his life.

-

Gaara of the Sand.

Shikamaru had only seen him once but that had been enough. It wasn't just that he was good at what he did. It was how he did it; it was the look in his eyes when he did it. Shikamaru had never seen killing come so naturally, so comfortably to someone before. It had been like it was the reason he was alive.

They said he was crazy, completely unpredictable. Even his allies in the Sand had feared him. The only reason he had been a part of the faction at all was because his father had been its leader. When the father had been killed, Gaara had disappeared along with his siblings and no one had tried to find him again. Yes, he was effective as a weapon, but who could afford to keep a sword that was as dangerous to the wielder as to the enemy?

How likely was it that the allegedly lost Gaara of the Sand and Sasuke would end up in the same town? In the same school? Really, life was such a bother sometimes.

Shikamaru knew that something must have changed with the former killer, for him to walk down the street like he had with someone Sasuke called a retard. If Gaara of the Sand had been what he used to be his presence in this place would not have been secret for this long, it would have been all over the news.

But Shikamaru also knew that meant very little. Gaara could care for the elderly or shampoo kittens, Shikamaru still wouldn't trust him around Sasuke. That he hadn't killed him the first time they met meant nothing either.

It had to do with Gaara's father. All the high-ups in the world of the factions in the city knew that the former leader of the Sand had been murdered by the Sound, some rumors said even by the Sound leader himself.

While Sasuke was not directly tied to any one faction, his connections in and dealings with the Sound and especially its leader was no secret. There was no way Gaara didn't know.

Of course, maybe the former killer hadn't cared much about his father; or maybe he didn't feel just being involved with the murderer was enough to warrant vengeance. The only thing Shikamaru knew was that he wouldn't bet Sasuke's life on anything.

Something needed to be done.

Shikamaru didn't really want to; had never been an impulsive, heroic kind of guy. But this was Sasuke. Shikamaru could nudge his principles a little for Sasuke.

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	16. Missing future brides and the weather

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: April 7th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 5th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**16: Missing future brides and the weather**

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Iruka was a weather report freak. He loved watching the weather reports and he loved planning his life according to what he heard. No trips on supposedly rainy days, leaving the umbrella home if the guy on TV said it would be sunny. He was even prepared to reschedule the trips to the supermarket if he got a bad forecast, preferring to give Naruto an umbrella and send him to the nearby store to buy the most necessary stuff if it rained. Iruka hated when the bags and groceries got wet. Once, during a long period of rainy days, they had been forced to drive to the supermarket anyway and Iruka had cursed all the way, from home to home again, and been driving like a maniac.

Naruto didn't care about weather reports; he didn't even care much about the weather. You could do nothing about it and it wasn't like you wouldn't find out on your own eventually. Besides, the reports seemed to be wrong as much as they were right. Very pointless. He supposed it could have something to do with Iruka being obsessed with them; a reaction to balance things out.

So it was only because of Iruka that Naruto knew that the weather report guy had been threatening with rain since Sasuke got sick. Because he didn't care about the weather or what people said about it, he tried his best to ignore the dark clouds that loomed in the horizon; but it was difficult. The threat of rain felt like a bad omen, and it encouraged the part of Naruto's brain that whined about there being something seriously wrong with Sasuke.

Naruto had had a troublesome week. One day (hour, minute) he was convinced Sasuke was just faking, the other he worried so much that he wondered if Iruka had suddenly rubbed off on him.

It was insanely silly, of course, thinking the weather could have something to do with Sasuke's health, but he just couldn't let it go. 'How else would the sky let you know if it knew?' his weirdo brain said and it feared the day it would actually start raining. If dark clouds were the warning then the rain would be the real bad stuff. If dark clouds were Sasuke being sick, then rain would have to be... No!

'No, you stupid brain,' Naruto snarled in his head and kicked himself under the desk when his stupid brain wandered during class. 'The weather has nothing to do with Sasuke!'

Still, when on early Monday morning a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder that rattled the windows woke Naruto up, he screamed. When he stopped screaming and could hear the pouring rain, he threw off his comforter, rushed out of the room, flew down the stairs and made it to the kitchen in what must have been record time. In his boxers.

"Iruka! Where is Sasuke's number?"

Naruto didn't look at the man, only noted him at the table as he ran toward the fridge and its collection of notes, schedule and photographs. They always put new numbers on the fridge.

Iruka said something in reply, but Naruto was too busy looking. His eyes flew over the papers, trying to find one with a number and something like 'Sasuke' or 'Kakashi' or 'new neighbors', but all he found were numbers with names he didn't recognize.

"I can't find it," Naruto moaned. "Don't we have it? We have to have it!"

Shopping list, parent-teacher meetings schedule, photo of him and Iruka on horseback in the mountains, a recipe with 'Friday' written in big, bold and underlined letters. But no 'Sasuke'.

There came a sigh right behind Naruto and an arm reached over his shoulder and snatched one of the notes.

"Ah," Naruto turned. "Ah!"

He reached for it but Iruka held it away.

"Naruto," the man said firmly.

"Come on! Give it to me, I have to call him!" Naruto jumped after the note.

"Naruto!" Iruka's voice rose and Naruto managed with some struggle to stop jumping, his feet pacing in one place. "Have you had breakfast?"

"No, but I just...!"

"Have you brushed your teeth?"

"No! I just need to...!" Naruto gasped and stopped pacing as the idea struck him. "I'll run!"

Iruka grabbed him in mid-leap however.

"If you think I will let you run practically naked through half the neighborhood to bother our neighbors at five in the morning you need to do some more thinking."

Alright, so it did seem a bit silly if you put it that way, especially when you remembered that Sasuke and the weather were completely unrelated. And you did, once the initial panic wore off. Grumbling Naruto went back up the stairs, cursing his spontaneous and overdramatic self as he picked yesterday's clothes off the floor and smelled them to see if they could be worn again today.

The curtain of water rushing toward the ground outside made the early morning world seem grey and blurry. Who cared about stupid rain? Naruto didn't.

Five in the morning. Sasuke wouldn't be up for hours; didn't even know it was raining. What had he planned to say to the bastard anyway? He hadn't planned anything. Naruto felt like an idiot.

"I made you some hot chocolate," Iruka said when Naruto came back into the kitchen, the sternness gone from his voice as quickly as it had come. The very air felt like five in the morning, somehow different from seven in the morning air.

"Okay," Naruto mumbled. Then he stopped and frowned when he saw the fridge. The notes and schedules and photographs were gone and it made the thing look whiter and it stood out more than it should. Iruka was sorting through its former decorations on the counter. He had left a cup on the table Naruto noticed.

"There… is no fresh bread," Iruka said without turning. "But I think there's still some left from yesterday."

"What have you done?"

"Hm?" Iruka looked over his shoulder as Naruto started walking again, towards him. "Oh, this? I've been wanting to clean it up this mess for ages, just never got around to it. What do you think?"

"It looks sterile."

Iruka frowned, looked at the empty, white surface. Naruto pulled open the fridge and took out butter and cheese.

"Really?"

There was a hint of hurt in his voice and in his eyes too when Naruto closed the fridge door again. Naruto didn't think it was just the fridge though.

Iruka had been a bit distant and... well, off, lately. Naruto had thought that maybe he was worried that he was somehow responsible for Sasuke getting sick, since he had been with them during the weekend. Iruka should be more reasonable than that, but he was a bit sensitive when it came to both guests and neighbors. 'You don't invite people over if you're not prepared to be nice to them,' he used to say, and Naruto had been told thousands of times that the worst enemies you could make were your neighbors. 'So don't you do that ever again!' 'That' had been a lot of things over the years.

"Maybe if you just put up some stuff," Naruto tried and shrugged. "It was really messy before."

"Yeah," Iruka said thoughtfully.

He picked a couple of photos and what looked like a schedule from the counter and tried it. Naruto found yesterday's bread and brought it to the table along with the rest of the breakfast things. The hot chocolate Iruka had made for him was still steaming and smelled morning.

"You're never up at five, are you?" Naruto said, glancing at the clock and then at Iruka.

"How do you know?" The man said, still focusing on the fridge decorations. "You're never up at five."

"Come on," Naruto rolled his eyes. "Five?"

"When do you think I baked that bread you're eating?"

"Yesterday?" Naruto said and raised a brow. "At six? Besides, you had already been up a while when I got here because your tea was cold. There was no smoke. You don't get up at four, do you?"

Iruka turned, frowning.

"How did you notice that? And it's steam."

"I notice," Naruto scrunched his nose. "And whatever, you get it."

Iruka was silent for a moment and then went back to moving the two photos around.

"Alright," he said. "So I couldn't sleep. Why were you up at five?"

"The storm woke me up," Naruto said. He glanced out at the roaring curtain of rain and fiddled with his bread. A lightning flashed and a few moments afterwards the thunder rumbled.

Iruka sighed and left the photographs one over the other to the left of the schedule. He started boiling some more water for tea. He looked tired and Naruto wondered how long he had been up.

Yesterday's bread. Naruto couldn't really tell the difference between today's bread and yesterday's bread, but it did matter to Iruka. He wanted to bake bread every morning and have it ready by breakfast. It wasn't like a rule he had made up (he had a few of those), he just did it because he liked baking. It helped him to relax, he said. 'It's my yoga'.

And today it was yesterday's bread.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked when Iruka sat down at the table, cup of hot tea, complete with steam rising from it, in his hands.

"Yeah," Iruka said and took a slice of bread from the basket. He had brought some lettuce and cucumber to healthy up things with. They were out of tomatoes.

"You're up before five and you cleaned the fridge."

"I told you I couldn't sleep," Iruka said. "I remembered what a mess the fridge was when you were looking for your number and decided to do it before I forgot."

"Are you worrying about something again?"

"No," Iruka protested. "Just... Don't worry about it, okay?"

"What happened to talking?" Naruto muttered.

"I'm sorry," Iruka looked genuinely sorry. He hesitated, chewed on his lip. "There's just... this... man."

Naruto stopped chewing. There was a soft blush on Iruka's cheeks.

"A-As I said, it's nothing you need to worry about, it's..."

"No, that's okay," Naruto swallowed his bread and shook his head. "What man? Are you... like dating?"

"Well... Maybe. Possibly," Iruka sighed. "We were dating. Now I don't know. We... had a fight."

"About what?"

"About... trust. I think."

It sounded very grownup to Naruto's ears.

"Is it anyone I know?" he asked.

"No," Iruka said. "Not... really."

Naruto nodded.

He wasn't an idiot, he knew that Iruka was dating. Sometimes. They had very rarely come to the house, but... of course he had to be dating. He also knew that Iruka preferred to date guys, or men, Naruto supposed. It didn't bother him. Definitely not now, with Sasuke, but it hadn't bothered him before Sasuke either; not even before Lee and Gaara. They didn't really talk about it though. Who wanted to know who or how their parents were dating anyway? Unless they were serious or came to the house.

"Why were you in such a hurry to call Sasuke-kun?" Iruka asked, changing the subject. Naruto was grateful to leave the old one, but not too thrilled about the new subject Iruka had picked.

"I don't know," Naruto shrugged. "I just wanted to call and see if he would be in school today."

The first part was truer than the second, but the second was the only not weird reason he could come up with. 'Because part of my brain is a weather idiot' wouldn't have gone over so well.

"Are you getting along better now?" Iruka asked. "You can call him later."

"Yeah," Naruto said, though he wasn't sure if it was an answer to Iruka's question or a 'yeah, I'll call later'. Either way it was a strange answer. He didn't know if he wanted to call later and he really didn't know if he and Sasuke got along better now.

Naruto had been to Sasuke's house every day after school since he got sick to bring him homework and not seen him once. Kakashi-san had opened the door every time, cheerful and friendly, thanking for the homework, asking how Naruto was doing and saying Sasuke was still sick, but okay. When Naruto had asked if he could see him, Kakashi-san had said that he was sleeping or that he needed rest. Naruto hadn't bothered going over when weekend came and he lost his homework delivery excuse. He wanted to see Sasuke, not Kakashi-san.

It felt strangely weird, not seeing Sasuke or hearing from him for such a long time. It made Naruto wonder about what he had been doing or focused on before Sasuke had moved into his life. It seemed now that if you took Sasuke away there was nothing left. So many things that had happened and had been thought about lately had something to do with Naruto's surly new neighbor and future bride.

Not seeing him or hearing from him also made things seem like a dream, sort of like Sasuke didn't exist at all. Had he even come here at all? Was Kakashi-san just joking and the bed where he said that Sasuke was sleeping was actually empty?

'Of course it's not empty, you stupid brain!' Naruto mentally kicked his paranoid, silly head glob when it started thinking like that, but it was stubborn and kept bringing the thought up again and again.

Naruto had thought about climbing the walls of Sasuke's house and sneaking in through the window, like in that dream. Nothing dirty, just to see him. But he was sure that Sasuke wouldn't like that. He had said nothing about watching that night when Naruto almost ended up getting castrated, but Naruto was sure he wouldn't like it.

And what happened if Sasuke for some reason (maybe he was getting dressed or admired himself in the mirror) was naked when Naruto reached the window? He could be so shocked that he fell and died. Not good. The joy of having something so amazing as the last thing he saw would surely drown in the disappointment of dying before he had a chance to really touch.

Naruto didn't want to call anymore. At the same time as he did want to call. He wanted Sasuke to like him. He wanted to know that Sasuke liked him.

Sometimes Naruto thought that maybe he was completely misjudging the whole thing. Maybe Sasuke didn't fake-hate him; maybe he wasn't faking at all. When those thoughts showed up Naruto mentally kicked his brain again. He wanted to be not so confused.

He wanted to kiss Sasuke again, talk to him on the bus and avoid seeing him naked in the showers after P.E.

Iruka handed a wrinkled note to Naruto over the table, sincerely smiling. It had a number and said 'Kakashi and Sasuke'.

"Wait until seven, okay?"

Naruto smiled too.

"Okay."

-

Even though he didn't really know what to say, or if he would even get to speak with Sasuke, Naruto called. He was nervous, his stomach swirled, but he waited patiently while the beeps sounded. After three there was a click and Naruto's heart jumped.

"Good morning to you! Hatake Kakashi of the Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Sasuke residence, how may I be of service?"

"Ah..."

If Naruto had known what to say, he was fairly sure that he would have forgotten it. He thought he heard a muffled voice in the background grumbling something. Probably something obscene, because Naruto had a feeling it was his future bride.

"He... Hello! This is Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto swallowed quickly. "Can I talk to Sasuke?"

"Tsunade!" Kakashi-san laughed. "Yes, yes, but you know I can't help myself. It drives the moody teenager crazy."

Naruto frowned. Then he tried again.

"Um… No, this is…"

"You want to talk to him? Of course, of course. He's got his mouth full of whole wheat toast at the moment but just hang on a second, he'll be right with you."

"Kakashi-san?"

"Got to go, my breakfast wants me. Good to hear from you, bye!"

"Ah…" Naruto tried again but he heard the receiver hit some surface and feet march off. A cheerful 'it's for you!' came from Kakashi-san and a muttered 'stupid bastard' could be heard from Sasuke.

Naruto realized he hadn't heard Sasuke's voice in over a week; hadn't seen his face. Hadn't… But now a chair scraped against floor and feet shuffled closer.

Would he have to kick himself for real if he hung up? What if the seconds he had left wasn't enough to find anything good to say and he ended up proposing?

Wait... Hadn't he already done that? Or was there a difference between proposing and sharing wedding plans?

Could you throw up if you got too nervous? Why was he nervous anyway? It was just the frustrating Sasuke-bastard. The worst thing that could happen was that he hung up and he had done that plenty of times before live, by turning his back and walking away.

He's alive! The rain didn't kill him!

'_Of course not, you stupid brain!'_

It crackled in Naruto's ear as the receiver was picked up.

"Hey." Sasuke said and sighed. "Sorry about that, you know how he is."

"Um… Sasuke?"

It was quiet for a moment, except for Naruto's heart rattling his ribcage.

"Naruto?"

"Yeah, but don't hang up!"

Sasuke sighed again and there was a 'bastard' mingled with his breath, aimed away from the receiver.

"What do you want?"

"I… Ah… I was just…"

"Because I need to get back to my breakfast."

"Just wait, are… Are you alright now? I mean, you're not sick anymore?"

Sasuke sighed.

"No, I'm fine."

"Really?"

"I'm hanging up."

"Will you be in school today?" Naruto hurried to say.

"Yeah. Bye."

"Ah, so I'll see you on the bus? Because you know, it's Monday, so the grannies will invade and, well… You know."

There was silence again and seconds passed; though Naruto could have sworn he could hear Sasuke breathe through the no-sound.

"I don't like you, okay?"

There was something in the way Sasuke said it and it brought a grin to Naruto's face that was so large his cheeks hurt.

"Yeah," he said.

His eyes almost blurred.

It sounded like Sasuke shifted, like he was flustered or didn't know where to go.

"Right," he said. "Bye."

"Bye," Naruto said.

Sasuke hung up.

Naruto couldn't stop smiling.

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	17. Corridors

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: April 14th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 8th 2008, Friday

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Quite a few new chapter titles were set up for the edited version of Almost Sucks. A few were easy to let go, others very difficult (chapter 57 was hardest, 32 and 47 were tough too). Some I changed just because I didn't feel they spoke to me, others I changed because I didn't want to steal lyrics or song titles.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**17: Corridors**

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Sasuke couldn't remember ever having worn a raincoat since he moved in with Kakashi. There was a bus stop with roof right outside the apartment and the bus that passed there took you to a station that could take you anywhere; school, friends, downtown, shrink. The door to Shikamaru's place was less than a minute from the door to Sasuke's place if you ran. No matter where you wanted to go you only had to spend seconds in the rain; no need for cover.

So Sasuke was surprised and frowned when Kakashi threw a black, thin rustling jacket on him and said it was a raincoat.

"It's raining!" the man said and flailed with his arms. "You've just been sick! I would be a very bad parent if I let you walk all the way to school in this weather without rain clothes."

"Foster parent, and hardly even that," Sasuke muttered. "Where did you get this?"

He unfolded the rustling piece of rain wear and held it up. It wasn't too bad. The same colors Sasuke always wore and long, would probably reach his knees. With the hood it looked like bad movie serial killer clothing.

"I bought it," Kakashi said and sniffed. "Years ago. Don't you remember? You never used it so it's been hanging in our closet."

Now that he mentioned it, Sasuke did have a faint memory of seeing the black coat before. Imagine that. Though it must have been huge on him years ago, it was big now.

"Thanks," Sasuke said and folded it up again. He hoped it wouldn't show how relieved he was.

"No problem," Kakashi said, smiling. "But if you're walking you have to hurry or you'll be late."

"I'm hurrying," Sasuke muttered and left for the bathroom.

Since he started going to work again last week, Kakashi's mood had changed. He had been much more cheerful and showed more of his frustrating sense of humor, like what he'd done to Naruto earlier this morning on the phone. That phone call was a perfect example of what Kakashi had been doing the past half week.

While it was annoying to have the man skipping around and chirping unnecessary things, it did help get Sasuke's mind off his conflicting emotions towards Naruto. Just like he had done this morning, the irritating humor had given Sasuke something to focus on and made it easier to forget that talking to the blond retard did something to Sasuke's nerves.

Sasuke knew the mood Kakashi was in, he'd seen it before. It was the 'I finally got dumped by that girlfriend/boyfriend of mine and I'm so happy to be single again' mood. Sasuke was not really surprised, assumed his little talk with Iruka had opened the "house wife's" eyes a little and ruined Kakashi's plans for him. Kakashi had been dumped and now he was pretending to be cheerful and relieved when he was frustrated.

When there had been an actual relationship that ended in the past, Kakashi had usually been genuinely cheerful and relieved. He didn't like staying with one person too long. But if the relationship hadn't lasted long enough for things to move into the bedroom (it was rare, but it happened), Kakashi would pace around the apartment, whining and moaning, before running to the nearest club and not coming back until the next day, all better. Sasuke was determined to never become that pathetic and needy.

He wasn't sure why that hadn't happened here yet. Surely there was some kind of club-like building here that Kakashi could run off to. Where did you go if you needed to get laid in small perfect towns? He had to be frustrated; there was no way he could have gotten as far as he had wanted with Iruka yet. He was frustrated; Sasuke could feel it in the air around him. Still Kakashi pretended to be cheerful.

Another strange thing about this faked 'yay, I got dumped!' mood was that Kakashi wasn't angry at Sasuke at all. He hadn't mentioned anything about Sasuke doing something to mess things up. Usually when flirts dumped Kakashi before sex, he always suspected that Sasuke was involved and wondered what he had done, even when it was absurd to assume Sasuke had done something. Sure, a few times Sasuke had been sabotaging, but not every time.

This time Sasuke had had the perfect opportunity in the sleepover, the perfect motive in the sleepover, but Kakashi hadn't said a thing. Not a word, not a suspicious look, no interrogation. Just smiles and jokes and raincoats. It was strange.

But since an annoying mood that didn't really make sense even more effectively distracted his thoughts away from Naruto, Sasuke wasn't complaining. He took whatever help he could get.

His stomach had swirled with nervousness when he heard Naruto tentatively speaking his name over the phone. He hadn't heard the blond's voice for over a week, not counting muffled sounds of the conversation with Kakashi at the door on Wednesday. It had sounded much softer and less loud than Sasuke had remembered. Maybe because there had been a phone between them; maybe... No. He didn't want to think about it.

Sasuke got ready fast and left the house earlier than usual, grumbling at Kakashi's cheerful 'bye! Be good!' The man didn't have to leave for work for a long time yet and took his time with breakfast.

There was no one waiting at the bus stop when Sasuke passed it; no smitten girls glancing shyly or not so shyly at him; no pair of blue eyes stalking him. The whole street was pretty empty actually. Men on their way to work only running fast from front door to car, if they didn't have a garage.

The rain beat on his back like a hard shower, a murmuring rumble of thunder could be heard from far away, too far away to see the flashes of lightning. Sasuke had a vague memory of it being closer earlier that morning, the sound having crawled its way into his dreams.

While the raincoat protected him from the assaulting rain from above and two plastic bags protected his bag with schoolbooks, his sneakers were no match for the streets that had turned into one pouring river and his feet were soon sloshing wet. Sasuke was sure that Iruka would make Naruto wear rubber boots or something, dry feet surely being more important than dignity to the man; but Kakashi had forgotten or not thought about that being a threat to Sasuke's health. Fortunately, because neither Sasuke nor Kakashi had any rubber boots and the only way to keep his feet dry would have been to make him take the bus.

Sasuke did not want to take the bus.

He had planned to start walking to school. Walking was good. He didn't get to walk nearly as much here as he had walked in the city. With no downtown to walk around in and no friends to share it with, and hating the place in general, staying inside was an obvious choice. But Sasuke didn't like just sitting in his room all day long, it made him restless, and he had felt it even more when he was sick.

Walking to school was a great idea. It wasn't unnecessary walking just for the sake of it, it was a good, long walk and regular, regular was always good, and as a bonus, he wouldn't have to be bothered by Naruto every day on the bus. Lovely.

When Sasuke had woken up that morning, heard the heavy rain and realized he would not be able to walk, he had been disappointed. That was understandable. It was always frustrating when you had decided to start doing something and the first day you were thwarted by the weather.

The nervousness had been less understandable; that the nervousness had taken up a way bigger part of the emotional reaction even more so. He had thought about the bus and his stomach had swirled with anxiety. The tension had only increased when Naruto had called and talked about Sasuke going to school and being on the bus and having to watch out for shopping old ladies.

Sasuke had been too relieved when Kakashi tossed him the raincoat and offered him an option. He didn't think that one sleepover weekend and a sick week could make such a difference.

But it wasn't anything Sasuke could see or point out. He couldn't even feel it, what was different; he could only feel the effects. He could feel the irrational swirling nervousness. Sasuke hadn't been nervous about seeing or hearing or being near the blond neighbor retard before.

Maybe it was the kisses.

When puking or headache or sleep or Kakashi's antics didn't stop them, the thoughts and memories still kept charging Sasuke's mind, even though over a week had passed since that sleepover and those kisses.

The softness and wetness and pure fervor of that mouth on and in his. The weight of him, his hands in Sasuke's hair and his smell. Things Sasuke didn't remember noticing when those kisses took place, but now the memories of them were so clear and so obstinate. Like the kisses themselves. Like the blond himself.

Sasuke couldn't remember a time when kisses had stayed so long in his memory and haunted him so fanatically. His body felt fine and his head too, but there was something in there that was off and it just wouldn't go away. Sasuke felt invaded and messed up and... and then Shikamaru's voice started popping up in his head whispering about budding love lives and secret crushes and Sasuke just wanted to scream. And mentally he did. 'I don't like him!' Because of course he didn't.

When the Shikamaru voice whispered about it being okay to like this place and things here, Sasuke mentally crossed his arms over his chest and snorted. It wasn't like that. Well... it was, but it wasn't.

What was there to like about him anyway? Naruto was loud, annoying and impossible to get rid of. He had no experience and was so bad at kissing he had to use enthusiasm to make up for it. Plus he jumped people in their sleep. Yeah, a real gem. And what did Shikamaru know? He hadn't even met the guy. He could go after the blond if he was so damned interested, Sasuke wasn't.

He realized he hadn't seen Naruto since that time through the window when he had been walking with, apparently, Gaara of the Sand; when Shikamaru had been there.

Sasuke still couldn't believe that the weird redhead was the former assassin of the Sand, but there was no reason for Shikamaru to lie about it. He had seemed shaken, an odd look on him, and had warned Sasuke before he left, asked him to be careful.

It had seemed unreal, unreasonable. Sasuke had seen the weird redhead practically every day in school. He was just a weird redhead.

Sasuke wondered if Naruto knew who the guy he was walking down the street with was, but didn't think so. Somehow anything connected to the factions seemed impossible to combine with Naruto. He couldn't know, it would mess up the world. Naruto was here, the factions were in the city.

Sasuke didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think at all. He just wanted to be very grateful he was walking and not sitting on the bus, despite sloshing wet feet.

As if on cue, the bus passed. Sasuke made sure he was watching the water flowing over the asphalt. He could feel Naruto's eyes on him.

"What are you doing, you idiot bastard!?" the blond screamed from the opened glass door leading into the corridors of school. "You can't walk to school! It's raining! You've been sick!"

Sasuke almost stumbled as he remembered Kakashi earlier, but managed to avoid it; grumbled under his breath and kept walking. He had reached school right on time. Students were hurrying around him, class starting within seconds. They pressed passed Naruto who partially blocked their path but he stood firm. He was pushed into the building but came back out again. Loud, annoying, impossible to get rid of.

The nervousness faded now that Naruto was here. He was the same as always, no surprises. No trace of the weight of him, the urgency of him. Sasuke was relieved. His sick brain must have distorted the memories and made the events seem more appealing than they had been, because it was sick and sick brains did sick things. Confusion, exhaustion and stupid Shikamaru had done the rest, blowing a sick brain's prank completely out of proportion.

"You said you'd be on the bus!" Naruto half-scolded, half-whined as Sasuke reached the door and pressed inside.

"No, I didn't," Sasuke said. He walked down the corridor, people dodging him, Naruto pretending he was his tail.

"You...! You made me believe you'd be on it!"

"I said I didn't like you," Sasuke clarified.

"S-so?" Naruto shrugged unconvincingly. "That... That's not the point anyway! You shouldn't be walking to school when you've been sick. Your feet are all wet!"

"I don't need your permission to walk anywhere," Sasuke snarled.

"I'm pretty sure you do," a new voice said close to Sasuke's ear.

Sasuke flinched, spun around and found himself face to face with Gaara, apparently of the Sand. The redhead wore a soft smile but it was hard to decide if it lived in his lips, eyes or somewhere else. For a moment Sasuke's heart beat faster as he remembered the stories and Shikamaru's warning, then the redhead opened his mouth again.

"If you want to, say, walk into his room or his bed, I'd say you need his permission."

"Gaara!" Naruto yelled, sounded appalled.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes and tried to use anger to cover up the swirls in his stomach at the thought of being in Naruto's bed. Stupid sick brain putting weird and unreasonable things in his stomach. And what the hell had the retard told Gaara?

"No?" Gaara's smile grew around his lips. The world of rushing and chatting students and class within seconds blurred; as if they were standing in a bubble of stillness and the illusion of silence.

"Go away!" Naruto almost whined.

"Fuck you," Sasuke growled, not caring about what Shikamaru had said or that for a second he and Naruto felt like a team.

Gaara looked even more amused. Then the bubble burst as their biology teacher walked into it, no respect for tension, and the world started moving again.

"Sasuke-kun, language. Naruto-kun, no bullying. Gaara-kun, class is starting, come on."

"I'm not bullying him!"

"Good!" biology teacher said. "As a reward you'll do today's assignment together."

"What?" Sasuke snarled.

"See you guys after lunch!" biology teacher pretended not to hear, ushering Gaara towards his classroom.

Naruto looked smug; annoyed but pleased. Sasuke snarled and pushed past him toward their classroom. Annoying blond.

First class on Monday for them was history, Sasuke remembered the reception woman on his first day here, three weeks ago. 'Good to have it out of the way,' she had said. Sasuke wished first class had been biology.

Some fifteen minutes before second class, geography, ended Sasuke pretended to go to the bathroom but instead snuck out to his spot behind school for a smoke. He was in desperate need, that was one reason; the morning had been frustrating. Another was if he waited until break time Naruto would surely be all over him with his nagging about the rain. Now, Sasuke didn't care about what Naruto said, but that didn't mean it wasn't annoying. The third reason was slightly weird. Sasuke wanted a rest from the blond's constant staring.

He didn't know if you should feel when someone was watching you. Sasuke had heard of that sort of sixth sense that could come with experience or as innate ability or something like that, and let you sense someone's presence or dodge things without seeing them or fight with your eyes closed.

But that couldn't be this. That couldn't be limited to just one person, how impractical would that be? And this was just Naruto. It was not like when Sasuke walked down the street, passed a couple of girls that looked at him with those eyes and just knew that they would be following him with their gaze until he turned a corner. In those cases he knew because he knew, not because he could feel it. This Sasuke could feel.

When the bus had passed him on the road, Sasuke had felt Naruto watching him. In both history and geography, Sasuke's back to the blond the entire time, he had felt the blue eyes on him.

Sasuke wasn't nervous anymore. Earlier this morning, before he came to school and the world went back to being normal, the thought of Naruto watching him would have made his stomach swirl; when the bus had passed on the road, it had swirled. Now it didn't, fortunately for Sasuke's sanity, but he could still feel when Naruto's eyes aimed for him and it was disturbing.

Or at least he thought he could feel it. Maybe he was just crazy. It sounded crazy. And he didn't really know that he knew, did he? He hadn't actually seen Naruto watching him; that was the whole point. It could be just in his head. Sasuke didn't know which was worse, actually sensing the overly blue eyes or imagining them, but either way it was worth missing fifteen minutes of geography to escape.

Sasuke stood pressed against the wall, just barely escaping the curtain of raindrops falling from the roof. Fortunately the wind was on his side and blew the rest of the rain away from him; it didn't fall as heavily as it had before either. Sasuke hoped it would go away soon and take Naruto's nagging with it. The stubborn idiot would probably come up with some other reason why Sasuke should take the bus home instead of walking, but Sasuke doubted it'd be something good. Not that his 'recently sick + walk in the rain bad' reason was that good, but it wasn't entirely off either. Sasuke's feet were still wet and cold.

The sound of steps coming closer to his hiding place drew Sasuke from his thoughts, but he quickly realized it was not Naruto. He wondered when the hell he had learned to recognize the sound of the retard's footsteps, but didn't have much time for it.

A girl came around the corner, hands covering her head and moving close to the wall to escape the rain and Sasuke frowned. He couldn't see her face at first, but it was hard to mistake her for anyone else. Her hair was an unusual shade of soft red that looked more like pink. When he had first seen her Sasuke had been dead-sure the color was artificial, but now he wondered. With her head cast down to shield her face from the rain, he would have clearly seen a growth of her own color; unless she colored it very regularly and who did that? The hair was only slightly darker where it had met the rain. She didn't seem like the type to choose pink for her hair anyway.

Her face lifted and she stopped instantly when she saw him, looking equally thrilled and terrified. For a moment it seemed like the rain had ceased to exist to her and she just stared in that petrified amazement. Then she caught herself and flinched back, as if on reflex. Looked only terrified.

"I... I'm sorry," Sakura stammered. "I didn't mean to... disturb you, I just..."

Since his first day when she had been his personal guide book, Sasuke had learned that Sakura was on the girls' boxing team and good enough to be captain. He never could have guessed.

"What?" he said; though he was fairly sure he knew what she wanted. Her crush was obvious. Sasuke had missed that; obvious was so much easier to deal with. He kicked the part of his brain that tried to remind him that Naruto's crush hadn't been the subtlest thing in the world either.

She swallowed. Her eyes closed for a moment, as if she tried to find strength within.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she said and her voice was slightly more stable, her eyes had opened again. "I mean... You've been away for a whole week and..."

"I'm fine," Sasuke drew more smoke from his cigarette, turned away from the girl and hoped she would take the hint. An old woman in bright purple rain clothes walked on the sidewalk a distance away, beyond the lawn with the tables and benches where Sasuke used to stay for lunch and the poor, practically see-through hedge that marked the end of school grounds. She walked strangely fast for an old woman.

"That's good," Sakura said and it sounded like a tentative smile had wandered to her lips. "I was... We were worried that maybe Naruto had... I mean, that you were sick of him and didn't want to come anymore."

Sasuke glanced back at her and saw her shrug. Her eyes seemed focused on the pools of water that had formed in the grass where the drops from the roof hit ground. She had burrowed the toe of one of her shoes into the ground and was swinging the heel back and forth. She was nervous. She kept talking.

"I'm sorry that he was picked to give you your homework. He was really stubborn about it, and the teachers liked it because they thought he was trying to make up. I've tried to tell him to leave you alone, but he just doesn't listen. He can be so pigheaded and frustrating."

Sasuke looked back out toward the rain and sighed, though he doubted she'd hear it over the pattering drops. He knew what she was doing. It was the 'I'll be sympathetic and on your side so that maybe you'll date me' method and he'd been on the receiving end of it many times before. Here too; apparently many girls thought that Naruto was the most annoying thing since bad hair days and they were so happy that Sasuke had beaten him up. 'I swear, everyone wants to do it.'

"I know that he's adopted and didn't have a perfect childhood, but that shouldn't mean he's allowed to do whatever he wants."

No one had said that about the blond yet though.

Sasuke felt a stab and was overcome by a feeling that was hard to place. It was some mix between hurt, anger, remembrance and... a sudden violent protective urge toward a guy that was supposed to be just an annoying retard.

"Could you shut up and go away?" Sasuke's voice was hard and fierce as he turned to her.

Sakura flinched and snapped her eyes up, paled and went rigid. Deep down, somewhere, he felt sorry for the girl; he knew that she probably hadn't meant too much with her comment, had never seemed to be cruel. He also knew how frightening his eyes could be when he wanted them to. Opponents had backed out of fights having seen his eyes, and she was in love. Did she even know about Sasuke's family situation and how easily her comment could have been about him? But the bigger parts of him didn't care.

He saw her mouth, her vocal cords, her brain, her entire being frantically working on saying something, anything, but it looked like she had forgotten how. She had forgotten how to move as well.

Sasuke tossed the remains of his cigarette to the ground and crushed it below his shoes, as he decided he didn't want to wait for whatever she would come up with and turned to walk back. Sakura had gathered herself enough to step out of the way, straight out into the rain.

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	18. Eager to come

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: April 21th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 12th 2008, Tuesday

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I do think of the characters I work with, fan fiction or original, as real individuals with will and existence separate from my own. They are different in many ways from incarnated humans but still very real. I am honored beyond words that they want to work with me.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**18: Eager to come**

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_He's too loud. You can hear him from corridors away, yelling about this thing or that. It hurts my ears. It makes me frustrated. I don't want to hear._

_He's too stubborn. Can't see reason. Do__es__n't want to give up. Do__es__n't want to let go. Why can't he just let go?_

_I don't like you! I don't want you!_

_But I think I'm lying. I don't know what I feel. _

_I don't know what he has done to me. There's nothing about him that I should like, but he has planted something inside me and that something is like him. It yells loud, it affects me and it refuses to let me go. _

_-_

It seemed like a month had passed, rather than a week and two weekends. Nothing was as Sasuke remembered or expected it to be. The world had shifted, it seemed, in some way.

Sasuke hadn't been able to spend his lunch break on the table behind school, because of the rain. Instead he had skipped dry fish sticks and even drier potatoes by staying in one of the break rooms and every teacher that passed stopped in surprise and wondered why he wasn't in the canteen. He had lied and said he wasn't hungry.

If it had been any day before the strange month week, it wouldn't have been a lie, Sasuke wouldn't have been hungry. Usually at lunch his stomach just mildly grumbled and muttered and accepted Sasuke's 'we'll eat when we get home'. This Monday it had roared and protested violently. 'Get the fuck over to those fish sticks and eat them!' the stomach had been screaming, and the hunger had stabbed painfully. Completely irrational.

For biology their teacher had kept his word and paired Sasuke with Naruto. The tiny amount of arguing had been pathetic. 'Why don't you ever eat lunch?' Naruto had grumbled. 'I bet that's why you got sick.' Sasuke's stomach had agreed wholeheartedly with a growl, while Sasuke himself had lied and said 'because it annoys you.' That was it. The rest of the hour had been just biology stuff and some narrow-eyed glares. The blond hadn't been nearly as much of a frustrating idiot as Sasuke remembered him being and biology teacher had grinned and said they worked well together. 'Yeah!' Naruto had exclaimed loudly. Sasuke had sighed.

Since Sakura's comments earlier that day, Sasuke had had trouble connecting to the part of him that found Naruto being around him annoying. He had acted like he used to toward the blond, sort of; but the inside stuff didn't match what he said. He had tried to summon the frustration that should be there but all that came up were 'what do you mean he didn't have a perfect childhood?' and 'I've met more frustrating guys, he's not that bad...'

Sasuke was sure that by 'not a perfect childhood' Sakura hadn't meant anything as shitty as what Sasuke had lived through; he didn't believe that he and Naruto were more equal now or anything like that. It was just... He hadn't thought about it before. Naruto had been loud, annoying and impossible to get rid of. Sasuke had known that he was adopted, but for some reason it hadn't really meant anything. He hadn't thought about whys or hows, what Naruto had been through and it felt strange, now that he did think about it. So he tried not to. It wasn't like it really mattered anyway, Naruto would still be Naruto. It wasn't even like Sasuke should care; he was just a guy in his class. Sasuke was overreacting because he'd just been sick and his brain still hadn't fully recovered yet. Because he was having a weird and shitty day.

It was the last break for the day and Sasuke had found his way back to his place behind the school, back pressed against the wall. Instead of the skies clearing up the rain had gotten worse after lunch and now it was roaring. The wind had picked up too, trees swaying from left to right and leaves rustling.

Sasuke's stomach had gone from screaming to moaning and the pain from acute to dull ache. He felt the signs of an oncoming headache and was wet enough that the strong late August wind chilled, his fingers trembling around the cigarette. His feet were still soggy. Sasuke wondered if maybe Naruto had been right and just-been-sick and bad weather didn't match.

As if he had read Sasuke's thoughts, Gaara chose that moment to speak and reveal himself.

"I'm sure Naruto wouldn't approve of you being out in the rain like this."

No, the weird sense Sasuke had gained didn't seem to count for anything except knowing when Naruto was watching him. He flinched so hard he nearly dropped his cigarette. It was a slight improvement from almost choking on it, but not by much. At least it was hard to feel grateful for it, when you added the other 'you scared the hell out of me' reactions he'd fallen victim to, like jumping into the air, heart leaping from chest to throat and racing; Sasuke was fairly sure he did not quite manage to look only annoyed when he glared at Gaara.

Unlike Sakura, this redhead made no sound when he approached. Sasuke wasn't even sure how long he had been standing there. The way he leaned against the wall, looking all relaxed, arms crossed over his chest, made it seem like he'd been there for hours. He didn't even look at Sasuke, just stared out into the rain.

It made sense, of course, that he should be sneaky, if what Shikamaru had said was true and Sasuke had no reason to doubt his friend. Remembering the warnings, Sasuke couldn't help but feel a stir of anxiety in his chest. But he wasn't in a good enough mood to care. Gaara made his headache worse.

"I don't care what he approves of," Sasuke growled. "What I do is none of his business."

"He made it his business," Gaara shrugged, still didn't look away from the pour. "He cares about his friends and considers you one."

Sasuke snorted and looked away from Gaara, out into the rain.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I want to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I care about my friends too," Gaara said, ignoring Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes. The old woman in the purple rain clothes came walking again, in the other direction.

"Naruto is my friend," the redhead continued. "A very dear friend and I don't want him to get hurt."

The anxiety was curling around in Sasuke's chest. He wanted Gaara to get to the damned point, at the same time as the damned point scared him.

The sound of footsteps drowned in the pouring rain, or just wasn't there, but Sasuke caught the movement in the corner of his eye and snapped his eyes back to Gaara. The redhead had moved closer.

"Do you like him?"

Stomach swirls. Sasuke cursed his damned screwed up being and glared.

"What?"

"You kissed him," Gaara said. "Do you like him?"

Sasuke's head was spinning as he tried to push the memories away and at the same time staggered at what a big mouth Naruto had. Were they that good friends or was Naruto just an idiot that shared anything with anyone?

"What I do with him is none of your business," Sasuke found himself saying, looking out into the rain again, feeling unimaginative and wishing he could think of something better to say.

"I made it my business," Gaara said. "Because I care about my friends."

Maybe it wasn't just Sasuke that was unoriginal. The whole situation felt oddly old. Maybe it was the rain.

"Do you like him?"

"No," Sasuke snapped and faced Gaara again. The redhead had a strangely vacant quality to his pale green eyes. "He's an annoying retard, too stupid to know when people don't want him around. I don't like him."

Very emotionally unstable ex-killer that gave grown men nightmares. What had Shikamaru said again? 'Oh yes, go and insult his friends'? There was something wrong with Sasuke this week. And why did everyone keep asking him that stupid 'do you like him?' question?

"So you kissed him?" Gaara just looked amused. "Methods of rejection in the city sure have changed since I left."

"That was just...! I was...!"

But Sasuke couldn't find the right words so he snarled and looked away. There was frustration inside him that felt like it had been there ever since Naruto trampled into his life; but there were no words to describe it.

"I'm sure you were," Gaara said, the amusement still clinging to him. Sasuke's hands itched to punch him. The rest of him itched for the retaliation that was sure to come, if Shikamaru was right; maybe it could chase the offness away.

"Fuck you," Sasuke growled for the second time that day, clenching his hands to fists.

"I don't want you to play with him," Gaara's voice turned more serious, the amusement slipping away. "He cares about you."

'_So what?' 'Whatever.' 'I don't care about him.'_

But Sasuke didn't say any of the things he should want to say. Maybe it was the sudden lack of amusement in Gaara that demoralized him. His hands unclenched and the itch was fading.

Why the hell would the blond care about him? Sasuke remembered the outburst after the kisses and it stabbed and things made even less sense. Love until death and then marriage. Marriage? What was he? Six? He didn't even know Sasuke. The blond was such an idiot.

"Don't hurt him," Gaara said.

Sasuke sighed. Some kind of itch returned but it was much softer and further down below the surface of awareness. The aches of his body became more clear, the headache and the hunger; and a to-the-bone exhaustion. He felt like two days with no sleep.

This whole thing was stupid. It sounded so wrong, like it actually was something instead of just... a stupid sick brain and a stupid stubborn idiot with a big mouth. It was nothing. Just nothing. Sasuke was having a bad day after a bad week and two bad weekends.

"But you're pretty stupid and stubborn yourself, aren't you?" Gaara said and he sounded amused again. Sasuke looked his way. For a second he thought the redhead was still talking about the Naruto thing, but then he noticed something else hiding in the amusement that said Gaara had changed the subject.

"Excuse me?" He frowned.

Gaara was looking at Sasuke; that something was hiding in his eyes as well.

"Nara Shikamaru; your friend," the ex-killer said. "He told you about me, and he must have warned you too. 'Stay away from him,' or 'just be careful,' right? And still you go on hurling that bad language at me, looking at me with those angry eyes, avoiding my questions and calling my friend a retard."

Sasuke's head was spinning again. Gaara knew about Shikamaru? How the hell would he know about Shikamaru unless... Shikamaru had done something stupid. He called Sasuke the day before yesterday, on Sunday, so he was fine, and Sasuke would have heard if he wasn't, but... Unless something had just happened. Today, before school, this night; Sasuke remembered having heard that Gaara of the Sand never slept. Maybe no one had noticed yet, or hadn't had a chance to call.

"Your heart is racing," Gaara said. "And you have paled. You care. That's good."

What had that idiot of a friend done now?

"If you have hurt him I swear I will kill you," Sasuke found himself suddenly saying before he really knew what words came out.

Something in the pale green eyes flared and Sasuke almost took a step back. His heart was racing, he noticed; pounding in his chest and the awareness of it made the blood pump seem more fragile. The rain had separated Gaara's bangs slightly, showing slices of a red tattoo that Sasuke had never seen but definitely heard of. For a second Sasuke knew what Shikamaru had been talking about when he warned about Gaara of the Sand. Then Gaara's eyes softened.

"I didn't hurt him," he said. He looked slightly amused again, but not enough that he turned mocking. "Can I have a smoke?"

It took a moment for the thoughts to gather again and Sasuke wondered why he didn't doubt what the redhead was saying, that Shikamaru was okay. He did nothing for a moment, but listen to his heart beating and try to convince himself he didn't feel sick.

Eventually he put his hand into his pocket, took out the cigarette pack and tossed it Gaara's way. Sasuke flicked the lighter and lit the cigarette when the guy leaned toward him and when the pack came back, he took out a second one for himself. His fingers were trembling. They smoked without speaking, but there was no silence with the rain and Sasuke's heart. The bell rang, signaling the end of the last break of the day, but they stayed.

"You have a devoted friend," Gaara said when their cigarettes were half-gone. "He was willing to die to protect you; had faction backup ready and everything."

Sasuke was stabbed by those words and his cigarette-less hand clenched. Fucking stupid Shikamaru.

"When?"

"Thursday. He was visiting you and saw me with Naruto. You spied at me through the kitchen window. He confronted me that night with a pretty elaborate scheme that would kill us both and assure your safety from my insane mind and lethal skills. He's the brainy type, isn't he?"

"No, he's the idiot type," Sasuke mumbled, but barely heard his own words over his racing heart.

"Just like Naruto," Gaara said. "How sweet."

No. It wasn't sweet.

-

When the cigarette was finished, without saying anything to Gaara, Sasuke pushed away from the wall, went out into the rain and left the school grounds through a hole in the pathetic hedge. He didn't bother picking up his raincoat, knowing the corridor would be crawling with people wanting to keep him from leaving. Naruto would be there too, looking for him.

Sasuke was hurt. He was confused, frustrated and scared. He didn't doubt that what Gaara had said was true; Shikamaru was okay, but Sasuke was scared anyway. He needed to call his friend and tell him what a stupid idiot he was and 'don't ever do that again!'

'_He was willing to die to protect you.'_

Stupid, stupid, fucking idiot Shikamaru.

Sasuke walked fast enough and had other things on his mind, so he didn't immediately notice the cold. The rain was a welcome curtain of rhythm against his back, providing noise and a physical contact. As much as he wanted to get to a phone, Sasuke wanted to also get away from school. Nothing had been as it should have been there. It had been weird, stupid and confusing. Sasuke wanted something that was the same, as it should be. But he had left his CD player in the locker with the raincoat and was almost out of cigarettes. He needed to get home to his stereo and stash.

He needed to call Shikamaru.

Even though the rain was welcome at first, anger and worry having suppressed wind on wet clothes, the chill came back until it felt like January rather than August and Sasuke started to wonder if he really had recovered from his sickness or maybe gotten worse again. Wouldn't that be brilliant? Naruto would have been right and Sasuke would look like an idiot. Just what he needed; a perfect cherry on the ice cream bowl of a shitty day.

He kept his eyes on the goal. A call, music and nicotine, then a shower and dry clothes. And sleep. He hoped it would make all the wrong things go away. But the door to the house was locked when Sasuke came home.

-

'You have to take the bus home!' Naruto had called after Sasuke when the biology was over and last break for the day had begun. Sasuke had glared over his shoulder and found those too-blue eyes, stubborn and determined, looking at him.

Naruto had seemed surprised though, that Sasuke turned, and for a second his determination had been traded in by surprise. For a second; then the blond had smiled, grinned. Happy too-blue eyes.

There had been something there. Not in the way Naruto acted like he could decide what Sasuke did or in the way Sasuke snorted and narrowed his eyes and ignored his decisions, but underneath. It had been underneath the biology stuff too, underneath the glares and the arguments.

There was something underneath what they did, something that tentatively seemed to skip and whirl between them; slowly and softly. It had felt okay, the exchange in the corridor after biology; despite the frustration of being told what he had to do when Naruto had no authority. It had felt okay, in a way comforting. It had to be the day. It was a strange, messy day and Sasuke was confused and too caught up in it.

-

Sasuke had fallen asleep. Pathetic really. He was shivering cold, so soaked that a dip in a lake wouldn't have made him much wetter, hungry, angry and had a pounding headache. And he fell asleep on the porch.

He could have smashed a window and crawled inside. Kakashi would have been pissed but wouldn't have anyone to blame but himself. Locking the door without leaving Sasuke a key? What did he expect? That stupid sleepover Friday had been different, there had been some sort of plan then; this was just ridiculous.

But Sasuke hadn't smashed any windows. He had surrendered to the exhaustion and sunk down against the door. A while he had been thinking. About the damned frustrating day and the damned frustrating life, that he should get up and get inside already. 'What am I waiting for?' he had been thinking. Then his eyes had closed, little by little; the exhaustion doing what it was designed to do, pulling him away from consciousness. Then there had been nothing.

Then there was Naruto. His voice first, from far away, coming closer, calling Sasuke's name slapped together with a 'you bastard'; then the sound of his feet pattering against the street that had turned river. He was running.

Sasuke was pulled from his unconsciousness. He felt like a road kill that survived. His head throbbing, his body chilled to stiffness, wet clothes slicked to his skin.

"What are you doing!?" Naruto yelled. "And you call me an idiot? You don't even have your coat! If you're sick again I'm gonna kick your ass!"

He had stopped before reaching the porch. Sasuke heard him pant from the run. He heard that it had stopped raining, or at least calmed down enough that it couldn't be heard anymore.

"Do you ever listen to what people say?" Naruto kept shouting. "Are you one of those guys that will jump off the cliff just because someone doesn't want you to? Would you go find a cliff to jump off if I told you not to?"

Silence, more panting.

"Are you listening?" the voice was softer and sounded almost sad. "Are you dead?"

Sasuke managed a tired snarl at that and lifted his head to peer in the blond's direction. The legs of Naruto's pants was dark where they had gotten wet from splashing water when he ran. His shoulders were heaving and his hands were fists. He looked both angry and worried. His eyes found Sasuke's.

It had stopped raining.

"Idiot," Sasuke growled.

Anger and worry turned to mostly anger and the blue eyes narrowed.

"You're the idiot, you bastard!" Naruto shouted. "Skipping school and walking home in the rain without a coat, I hope Kakashi-san grounds you from those stupid cigarettes!"

"He doesn't ground me," Sasuke muttered.

"Well, he should!" Naruto sighed loudly and crossed his arms over his chest. "You're being an idiot. I bet you're sick again."

The blond was pouting, had turned his eyes away. He shifted on his feet and the gathered rain sloshed.

"Why are you sitting there?" he muttered eventually, sounding truly curious. "Why haven't you gone inside?"

"That asshole Kakashi locked me out," Sasuke shifted against the door, turned from leaning on his side to resting his back against it; straightened.

"He locked you out?" Naruto frowned. "Why?"

"Because he's an asshole," Sasuke said.

"Oh..." Naruto's face was taken over by sudden hesitation and it looked odd on him. For a moment he shifted. "...Wanna... come over to my place? Just until Kakashi-san gets home. You could take a shower, borrow some clothes, and eat something, you didn't have any lunch. If you're not sick yet you're gonna be if you sit out here all... wet."

The beginning and the end was slow, but the middle was racing. Like he wasn't quite sure that the words would work at first, that they overwhelmed him when they did and that he didn't quite know what to do whey he ran out of them. He wasn't really looking at Sasuke, just glancing now and then. Like what he said meant more than it seemed. And maybe it did. The 'love until death and then marriage' comment kept popping up and Sasuke kept repressing it.

'_Hell no. No way. I am not going. Even if it was January and freezing I would rather sit out here.' _

"You've got something for headaches?" Sasuke found himself snarling.

"Y-Yeah!" Naruto hurried to say, surprise all over him. "Sure! Lots."

Sasuke got to his feet. Stuffed his hands in his pockets and left the porch. His eyes narrowed when he noticed his bag and coat in Naruto's arms. Naruto noticed the narrowed eyes.

"Oh! I brought your stuff!" he said. "The janitor let me borrow the keys. I told her you had left early and forgotten your books but that we had a test tomorrow and you needed to study."

Naruto looked sheepish and proud at the same time. Smiling.

"It was a lie," he added.

"I know it was a lie," Sasuke snarled.

"So does that mean you're coming?"

Sasuke snorted and started walking, tried not to let the shivers from the cold make him sway; snatched back his things when he passed Naruto.

"I'm borrowing your phone too," Sasuke muttered.

"Alright!" Naruto said and followed. He sounded like Christmas.

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	19. Warmth and being near you

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: April 28th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 15th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**19: Warmth and being near you**

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His throat was thick and his stomach weird; like he'd fallen asleep in the middle of the day. Sasuke hated that feeling. Otherwise though, things were good. He was warm and comfortable and he felt safe. Had Kakashi come home from work and carried him inside? What time was it?

Where was he anyway? With awareness came interest in such things. Maybe he should open his eyes. But he didn't.

In reflex Sasuke moved a leg and immediately figured out that he was lying down, and it was hard so he guessed on a floor. He wasn't lying down completely though, he was leaning against something not so hard. It was a body. Sasuke knew from experience how it felt to lean against bodies. They had that typical body quality of softness mixed with hardness, flesh and bones; and warmth and arms that wrapped around you. Just like this. Someone was holding him.

"S-Sasuke?" a voice said and judging from the vibrations against Sasuke's ear, it belonged to the one holding him.

'I know you...' Sasuke's brain said softly. 'I know that voice.'

"Naruto?"

"Yeah," the voice sighed with relief. The arms gripped tighter at the same time as the body Sasuke was leaning against relaxed. "Yeah, it's me. Are you okay?"

Naruto's voice was drowning in worry. Sasuke frowned and the interest in where he was and why increased. He had an idea, but he didn't want to be right.

"I'm fine," he mumbled and wondered if it was a lie. But everything seemed to be working; he moved the other leg slightly and shifted his arms as well. Naruto's arms around him loosened, but stayed wrapped around.

"Al-–right, I don't... know anything about stuff like this, whatever it is. See? I don't even know what it is."

Naruto laughed weakly without joy.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I… Are… Are you sure you're alright? Do you need anything?"

The arms around Sasuke shifted. They were really warm. One hand was on his shoulder, the other on his back. Sasuke's face was against Naruto's chest. His smell invaded Sasuke's senses.

For every second that passed and the further into awareness Sasuke got, the idea he had seemed more and more like what had to have happened. Damn it.

"Should I...?" Naruto swallowed. "Should I have called someone? I didn't... couldn't... You were..."

The hands pressed closer. Naruto moved and soon Sasuke felt his face on his hair.

"No. And I don't need anything," Sasuke said, hardening his voice and shifting; he wanted the blond to get over it. Yes, sure, it wasn't something you could easily just ignore, if what Sasuke thought had happened had happened, and he was growing more and more sure of that, but come on! It was... embarrassing.

"I'm fine. Let go of me."

"I'm sorry," Naruto repeated. "I just..."

Sasuke opened his eyes. He saw an orange arm and leg; he saw Naruto's kitchen through the doorway, spotless floorboards, legs of the table and the chairs, the parts of the counters that met the floor. They were in the hall.

There was a sniffle and Sasuke stiffened.

"Are you crying?" he snarled, as if it was a crime, and struggled harder to get up and away from the arms. "Don't cry, you idiot! Let me go!"

"No!" Naruto tightened his hold on Sasuke. Determination. "I'm not crying, and I'm not letting you go."

There was something in those arms and the warmth and the closeness that weakened Sasuke's struggles, from enthusiastic to half-hearted to nothing. Naruto sniffled and Sasuke sighed. He could understand if the blond had been scared. Even Shikamaru had been scared the first time.

At the thought of his friend, Sasuke remembered the call. He had come with Naruto to his house and he had called Shikamaru.

"You're not sorry," Sasuke mumbled. "You're just sorry I don't like you."

"You do like me," Naruto muttered.

The words sounded different when spoken against Sasuke's head. Less like stubborn, idiotic things and more like something real and honest and tangible. Like wrapping your hands around a hot cup of chocolate; Sasuke remembered the feeling from after the call and the shower. He'd had a shower too.

It was scary, the lack of stubborn idiocy in words that should be stubborn and idiotic; but Sasuke didn't feel like struggling. The floor was digging into his bones, he felt that now; and he felt the bumpy doormat against his feet, but it was comfortable. Naruto's body was warm and Sasuke was tired of being cold.

"It wasn't your fault," he said. "This just happens sometimes. I'm sick."

The hands clenched slightly, fingers digging into Sasuke's skin.

"How sick?" Naruto asked and it sounded like he didn't want to know. Overreacting blond.

"Not dying sick," Sasuke rolled his eyes and had the awareness to wonder why he was sharing. "I'm fine. I just... I see a shrink and sometimes I pass out."

"You scared me," Naruto said.

"I'm fine."

Sasuke remembered now. The first thing he had done was ask for the phone.

-

"Where's the phone?"

"You don't want a shower?" Naruto asked. "You shouldn't walk around in those clothes."

"I want the phone," Sasuke said; kicked off his shoes and squeezed between Naruto and the coat rack. "Where is it?"

Naruto sighed dramatically.

"In the kitchen. On the wall. You can't miss it."

Sasuke didn't miss it. He snatched the handset off the wall and dialed the number. While the beeps sounded Naruto came shuffling into the kitchen.

"Who are you calling?"

"None of your business," Sasuke muttered. "Go away."

"Hey, this is my house!"

Sasuke glared. Naruto glared back. Then the blond threw out his arms and sighed dramatically again.

"I'll go get you some clothes to borrow," he said as he wandered off. "You're taking a shower later."

"Whatever," Sasuke said.

There were too many beeps, Sasuke noticed, his fingers fiddling with the long cord. Shikamaru always had his cell phone on him. He hated the things, but it was important that people could reach him and that he could reach people.

Sasuke found that he was still trembling, even more so now that he was warming up. It was painful, warming up. His fingers were stiffened; felt numb and thicker than they should be. He wanted to stop trembling but he couldn't. Was it supposed to be this cold in August?

When the monotone beeping was cut off by a tired 'yeah?' Sasuke's heart jumped in his chest.

"Shikamaru?"

"Oh, Sasuke. Hey. Sorry, I was in the shower."

Sasuke threw a glance in the direction where Naruto had gone, but there was nothing to see.

"How's it going?" Shikamaru said. He sounded like he'd been sleeping and not taking a shower.

"Fine. It's just... fine, I..."

Sasuke had forgotten what to say and cursed himself.

"Hang on a second, will you?" Shikamaru said. "I'm going to find a towel."

"S-Sure," Sasuke frowned.

"Think of something to say, alright?"

"Yeah."

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and cursed himself again. Naruto came back and dumped a pile of clothes on the table. It looked like at least three sets of everything; fortunately less screaming colorful than what Naruto usually wore.

"You're gonna have to pick something out," the blond said. "I don't know your size."

"Fine," Sasuke sighed.

"You're not talking," Naruto muttered after a while. Sasuke glared over his shoulder.

"Shut up."

Naruto sighed again and wandered off muttering something about getting a towel and 'couldn't be ruder if he tried'. Then Shikamaru came back.

"So? What have you got for me?"

"You fucking bastard!"

Shikamaru coughed.

"Alright."

"How could you be so fucking stupid?" Sasuke growled. "You tell me to be careful, then you go and set something up to get yourself killed? Have you lost your mind!?"

"You talked to Gaara."

"No, he talked to me! Don't you ever do something like that again!"

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah! I'm fucking alright, are you listening to me?"

"Look, Sasuke, I'm sorry," Shikamaru sighed. "I needed to make sure."

"What? That he wasn't a killer?" Sasuke hissed, lowering his voice because the subject was not suitable for yelling. "It seems to me that you just assumed he was a killer and decided he should kill you rather than me."

"I'm fine, Sasuke."

"I know. That's not the point. You... You're my friend. I don't want you doing stupid shit like that, not for anyone."

"I'm sorry."

Sasuke sighed. For a moment it was quiet, until Shikamaru spoke again.

"Look, where are you? This isn't your number."

"At... At a neighbor's house. Does it matter? Don't change the subject."

"It does matter," Shikamaru said. "We'll talk later. Call me back when you get home."

Sasuke wanted to protest but knew Shikamaru was right. This was not the place. A 'you're a fucking idiot!' call was one thing, but having a longer talk would have to wait. He could feel Naruto hovering just outside the invisible circle of phone privacy.

"Fine," Sasuke said.

"Say hi to Naruto."

"I have other neighbors," Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"Sure you do," a sliver of amusement had trickled into Shikamaru's voice. "Later."

"Bastard."

The friend hung up and Sasuke did too.

Naruto came into the kitchen soon after, dropped a towel on Sasuke.

"Who did you call?"

"An asshole," Sasuke muttered. "He said hi."

"Okay," Naruto said and frowned. "Say... hi back next time you talk to him... I guess. Now go shower! You're dripping on the floor."

There was something less childish about the blond suddenly and Sasuke had to wonder how much of the getting-killed talk he had overheard and taken seriously. But instead of mentioning anything about it, Naruto went off and started rummaging around in the cupboards. Sasuke, who wasn't about to willingly start a conversation with the blond, especially not about his ex-murderer friend, started rummaging through the pile of clothes.

"Do you like hot chocolate?" Naruto called over his shoulder.

"No," Sasuke muttered, pushing a too bright blue shirt out of the way.

"I'll make some," the blond said as if he hadn't heard. "Hot chocolate is perfect for rainy days."

"It stopped raining," Sasuke informed.

"I know," Naruto said like Sasuke was the idiot. "But it's still a rainy day."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and decided on a black shirt and blue pants. The pants were a bit too blue for his taste, but at least they weren't orange. Taking the clothes and the towel, he left for the bathroom. Peeling the soaked clothes off his skin felt heavenly and the hot spray of water in the shower even more so, erasing the frustration of having listened to what Naruto said.

Sasuke recognized the bottles of shampoo and body wash from the sleepover and realized that he had been in here before the kisses being ignorant, between the kisses being pissed at himself for not recognizing the then painfully obvious crush signals and after the kisses being pissed at Naruto for being a desperate retard. Like last time, he hadn't thought he'd be in this house again. But even when those memories came rushing and rattled him, Sasuke was happy he'd taken the shower. The water almost burned against his cold body.

Sasuke found himself thinking again about what Sakura had said about Naruto and his not so perfect childhood. Part of Sasuke wished he could ask the blond about it so he could stop being so damn curious. Another part called the first part an idiot for being nosy. Would Sasuke like it if Naruto poked around in his past? Don't poke around if you don't want to be poked. Yet another part called the first two ones idiots for caring about things and people that shouldn't, didn't, matter.

Naruto sat at the table when Sasuke came into the kitchen, steam rising from the cup in his hands and from the one by the empty chair opposite him. He grinned and looked up, raised his cup.

"Hot chocolate! Perfect for rainy days!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat down in the empty chair. His cup was black with messy sand colored square shapes, radiating heat and the smell of hot chocolate.

"Where are your clothes?" Naruto asked.

"Bathroom."

"Did those fit?"

"Apparently," Sasuke muttered. The fabric felt strange against his skin and wrapped him in the smell of Naruto. Sasuke noticed that his hands were still trembling.

Naruto was happy, blowing on the chocolate so the surface rippled and the steam was chased off. His feet were jumping under the table and it looked like he was trying his very best to not grin, but he was failing.

"Soo," Naruto said and glanced in Sasuke's direction. "What do you wanna do?"

"Nothing," Sasuke glared. He was not here to have fun. "Aren't you grounded from everything?"

"Yeah," the blond sighed; then he seemed to remember, his eyes narrowed and bubbling happiness vanished. "That's your fault, you know?"

"You could have left me alone."

"I was just being nice!"

Sasuke snorted, shook his head and rolled his eyes. He brought the black cup to his lips and sipped the liquid. It was as sweet as he'd expected.

"Iruka always overreacts when it's school stuff," Naruto muttered, dropping the blame topic. "I skipped once and he went completely insane."

Sasuke wondered why his hands wouldn't stop shaking.

"How long have you known that redhead?" he asked, looking away from his fingers.

"Who? Gaara?"

"Yeah."

"A couple of years. Why?"

"Just asking," Sasuke said. "What do you know about him?"

"I don't know," Naruto looked confused and shrugged. "He lives with his sister and brother, likes coffee and teasing people. Why are you so interested in Gaara?"

"I told you I'm just asking."

Naruto huffed.

"He wasn't very nice when he came here," he said after a while. "Gaara. But he's cool now. Just annoying sometimes."

The blue eyes started glittering as a smile crept onto Naruto's lips. Sasuke told himself to look away, but he didn't. Or couldn't. A soft blush had come to paint the blond's cheeks.

"Kind of like you," Naruto finished.

It came suddenly and somehow managed to stroll right past all the defenses, all the 'I don't like him's and 'why the hell should I care?'s that Sasuke had set up. Sasuke's heart beat hard and his stomach swirled. For seconds that felt like months he couldn't look away and he couldn't breathe. When he finally did manage to struggle free and look down, Sasuke noticed the ripples in the chocolate in the cup his hands were cradling and realized his hands were shaking worse than before.

"Sasuke?"

"What?" Sasuke said quickly, looked up and met Naruto's eyes again without thinking. The worry in them sent chills dancing through Sasuke's insides. He realized what this was, what this could be, and it was unacceptable. Not here, not now and not with him. He refused.

"Are you okay? You're shaking."

"I'm fine."

"Are you cold?"

"I'm fine!"

But the pounding in Sasuke's chest was so loud now that he barely heard his own words. They sounded far away. His head pounded too, though it was more of a sound than a pain. That it was unacceptable only made things worse.

Where the hell had it come from? Yes, it had been a rough day but that alone wasn't enough. The cold? But he'd showered! He was warm now, it was...

Had to control his breathing. It was fine. Nothing was wrong. It was all about the breathing. If the breathing was alright he'd be fine. His heart could pound away, he could lose his hearing and his sight, if he just kept his breathing calm he would be fine. The rest of him would calm down if his breathing just...

"You're not fine!" Naruto protested. "I can see you're not fine. What's wrong?"

But that voice rattled everything, and when Naruto put his hand on Sasuke's arm, in a too soft for him 'are you okay?' gesture, it all fell apart. Sasuke had thought he was warm after the shower, but Naruto's hand was fire against his skin. Sasuke was not warm.

He flinched violently. His heart wanted to flee from his chest, his whole body jerked and his breathing was hopelessly lost. His hand struck the black cup hard and it fell, spilling its content and creating a temporary fall of chocolate between the table and the floor; soaking and tainting the strawberry tablecloth.

Naruto's hand jerked away from Sasuke's arm and he stood quickly when the cup fell. He ran off and was yelling something but Sasuke couldn't hear. Naruto came back with a roll of paper and started covering the table and floor. Sasuke's eyes stayed fixed on one of the dark strawberries against the light brown dirty color.

He would have guessed that Iruka was the type of person that changed the tablecloths more often. He clung to that thought because it was the only thing reasonable he could find; clung to it like it was the only floating board from a shipwreck and he was a survivor. 'It should have been another tablecloth,' he thought, as the sea raged around him and storm roared.

He had to call someone. Kakashi or Shikamaru or Tsunade; they were all too far away to help but he had to call them anyway; like he had to fight to breath normally even though he knew it wouldn't work; like he had to get away even though he knew he couldn't.

-

Sasuke didn't remember leaving the kitchen but he supposed he must have to have ended up on the floor in the hall. His body wasn't aching anywhere so Naruto must have been there and caught him when he fell. 'Fell' sounded pretty and innocent, didn't it? Sasuke had passed out.

It came with stress, when too many things happened at once or if something happened that affected Sasuke too much; when he couldn't deal with what was going on. Most of the times he could control it and it didn't go this far, but some days it did. His brain overloaded, made an emergency shutdown and brought him back again some minutes later.

It was more embarrassing than dangerous, unless Sasuke happened to be in a place with too many sharp or hard objects, and it didn't happen very often these days; must have been over a year since last time.

Sasuke would have to call Tsunade later and let her know. She was picky like that, wanted him to recognize when he was in trouble and when to talk to her. This wasn't surprising really, when he thought about it, with all the things he'd been through these past few weeks, but he should call her anyway.

"Sorry for scaring you," Sasuke said and the arms around him pressed closer.

"I was going to call for an ambulance," Naruto said after a while, his voice much softer than usual. "But you wouldn't let me go."

Sasuke closed his eyes and half of him wanted to tell the blond to shut up; this was embarrassing enough.

"You tried to get out first," Naruto continued. "But you stumbled on a shoe and would have hit your head on the vase if I hadn't caught you."

Sasuke winced at that. Hitting your head on that vase could be the last thing you did.

"Then you grabbed onto me and wouldn't let go. You were like a leech. And you... it was like you couldn't breathe, I didn't know what to do. I tried to get us to kitchen and the phone, but then we fell here and you went all limp and... I thought you'd died."

Naruto sniffled.

"Then I noticed you were breathing, like normal, like you were just... sleeping. I don't know how long you were out."

The fingers on Sasuke's shoulder were fiddling with his shirt. It felt corny and stupid, but nice.

Now that the initial wave of confusion and the one of embarrassment had passed, Sasuke felt strangely calm and clearheaded. It was like his brain cleaned up and sorted out all the stuff that had been making a mess of things during those shutdowns and afterwards it felt like the air after a violent storm. Sasuke felt like the air after a storm.

"I'm fine," he said.

"Yeah," Naruto said and sniffled again.

Nothing had really changed, but still everything felt different.

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	20. Possibility

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 5th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 19th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**20: Possibility**

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It was raining when the bus turned and started up the small road to the station. Lee couldn't help but wonder if it had been raining all the time here, because it had poured when he left as well. Probably not though; over a week of constant raining was unlikely.

Lee had been out of the country, participating in a training camp at a monastery squeezed in between crags in desolate mountains, far from civilization. Hard training, hard beds, rocks for floor and no electricity; Lee had loved it.

He was lucky enough that the teachers in school understood, or at least accepted his passion. They had let him take the week off, if he promised to work hard afterwards and catch up on what he'd missed. And of course he had. Lee preferred working harder. In everything really. When training; in school. Doing things in moderation made Lee feel lazy, and that made his skin itch. When he was younger, Lee had been absolutely certain that he got horrible rashes if he stayed still for too long and his teachers at school had mistaken his preventive measures for some sort of attention disorder. Fate must have kept Lee's fondness of working harder in mind when it set up his relationship with Gaara, because there was nothing moderate about him; not when Lee had first met him, and not now.

Lee saw Gaara almost immediately when the bus came closer to the station. He was standing under a bright red umbrella, bright red rubber boots against the dark, wet asphalt. There was a small crowd around him, waiting for the bus like he did, though they were mothers or fathers, not boyfriends. One of the mothers was talking to Gaara it seemed, not noticing the blank stare that said he had turned off his ears. She was smiling and waving her hands, her yellow rain clothes bright and shining just like Gaara's. The whole crowd was a blotch of different bright rain clothes and umbrella colors.

When Gaara had first started showing up when Lee had practice or tournaments, the parents of Lee's teammates had been afraid of him. Everyone had been afraid of Gaara back then, everyone aware of what he had done. It had taken some time, but now the parents were happy to see him. Lee supposed they saw him as proof of some sort; proof that bad guys didn't necessarily have to be bad all the time, that change was possible and there was hope for even the harshest of youths. They acted like grandparents when Gaara showed up.

Gaara said he didn't mind, but Lee could see in his eyes that he did. Not because it was frustrating to handle a horde of adoptive grandparents, although Lee was sure that it was, but because their joy over a changed youth acted as a reminder, telling Gaara 'look how far you've come from where you were' and it was the last 'where you were' part that Gaara focused on. It was guilt that Lee saw in Gaara's pale green eyes; and that he liked their pampering made it even worse. Just like Gaara.

The bus stopped and those who hadn't already got up from their seats and grabbed their bags. Lee picked his bag, an extra large sized one, from the shelf above his head. Their trainer told them once again that he knew they were tired but there was practice tomorrow as usual. Then the doors opened and the team started trailing out into the rain, toward waiting parents and Gaara.

Lee was smiling as he stepped onto the asphalt, jumping to miss a big pool of water. He called Gaara's name and Gaara peered at him from under the umbrella. There was something cold and indifferent in his gaze that some boyfriends might have seen as discouraging, but Lee knew better. He didn't hesitate to run over, haul Gaara into the air and twirl them both around several times, extra large sized bag, umbrella and everything.

Gaara was subdued when they walked in the rain away from the station, avoiding the rivers and lakes that had formed by the rain on the asphalt. He held onto the umbrella, while Lee held onto his bag. If it had been a normal day, Gaara would have let Lee take the umbrella too and cuddled close to avoid the rain, but it wasn't.

If Lee had been away for a longer period of time and came back Gaara wasn't like he usually was the first hours. He didn't smile or talk, didn't say he had missed Lee or shower him with bottled up affection. Gaara wasn't rejecting Lee. He let him talk and laugh and smile; he let himself be swirled around in the air without protesting. He just didn't act himself. The only thing he did was being semi-close, 'an arm's length away' close. It was like he needed some time to adjust, like during the time they had been apart Gaara had forgotten how to be, how to act, when they were together.

The first time, Lee had been worried and wondered if maybe Gaara had changed his mind about liking him. He hadn't been away for very long that time, just a few days, but it had felt like a month, or a year.

Gaara always said it was fine when Lee said he was going away. He didn't pretend he was happy about it, but he wasn't being unreasonable either. He knew that training and competing was important to Lee and knew that sometimes it would take Lee away for a while. But still, Lee knew that Gaara didn't like it when he was away. He missed him, more than people usually missed people they liked when they went away, or so Lee suspected.

Gaara was good at hiding his problems; Lee wouldn't have noticed anything over the phone if he hadn't known and Naruto never seemed to notice anything either, nor did Gaara get into any trouble at school. But he wasn't good enough to fool his family. Temari had told Lee what happened when he was away. Gaara had even more trouble sleeping and sometimes he stayed up all night; he got migraines, 'chews painkillers like candy' were Temari's words, and drank much more coffee than usual.

Lee had been horribly remorseful when he first found out and started thinking that maybe he could stop going away. He could train at home and only go on one-day tournaments closer to home. But Temari had read his mind and strongly advised him against it.

'Do you want to burden him with even more guilt?' she had said and burrowed angry eyes into Lee. 'Why do you think he hasn't told you?'

Lee knew that she was right. Gaara would know that something was wrong if Lee stopped going away, he would ask why and Lee could keep no secrets from him. Temari had also said that while painful some practice in these things was good for Gaara.

'It's one more part of life that you can teach him about,' she had said.

Temari was a smart woman. And fortunately it wasn't very often that Lee went away for longer periods of time.

The rain had calmed down some, but in exchange murmurs of thunder could be heard now, coming from some place far away. Despite the weather though, the walk was refreshing; especially since Lee had spent the last few hours on the bus trying to ignore the itching in his skin. About halfway from the station to Lee's place they turned away from the road and went into the woods for a shortcut. The ground and moss was soggy, but the rain fell even softer under the trees and the moisture in the air made all the scents of the woods stronger.

Lee really liked the woods. Oh, he liked all kinds of places where nature was close, but the woods in particular. It was peaceful, but at the same time filled with strength and power. Lee had spent much time in the woods when he was young, training or exploring, alone or with his father Gai. Over the years, Lee had managed to explore every inch of forest within an hour's run from his house. He had explored much of the forest outside of that circle too, if not as thoroughly. When he was young, Lee had wanted to be like the woods. Calm, serenity incarnate, but at the same time terribly strong. The want had stayed with him even when he grew up.

Gaara liked the woods too, but not as much as Lee did; not in the same way as Lee did. He enjoyed the calm and recognized the power, but he wasn't as amazed by it as Lee was; it didn't render him almost breathless. Gaara didn't always want to take the shortcut through the woods. But Lee was certain that the woods did more for Gaara than Gaara realized. It was good for him, especially when he was out of balance. Lee always made sure to take the shortcut when he had come home from being away and Gaara was not as he usually was.

The house was empty when they got home, Gai still at work; it wasn't even lunch after all. Gaara was supposed to be in school, but had called in sick.

When they had gotten out of their wet clothes and into dry ones (it went without incidents because Gaara still wasn't himself), Lee made lunch and they ate. Lee did most of the talking. The rain had stopped and the sun had managed to find a hole in the still dark clouds to brighten the table with its rays, though the thunder still rumbled now and then.

Presence was starting to return to Gaara's eyes and little by little he started to talk. Seeing the indifferent Gaara was always hard, but seeing him change back again, to normal, was like watching a fast version of spring replacing winter; delightful, inspiring and reassuring.

'_There's always hope.'_

'_The sun always comes back.'_

'_Everything is possible.'_

It just takes some time.

After lunch, Lee washed the dishes and Gaara dried them off. After dishes they moved into the living room and snuggled down with blankets and snacks and the sitcom and soap opera marathon that was TV in the afternoon on weekdays. Even though it was really too warm for blankets, and even though Lee was picky about what he ate and only watched TV when they showed martial arts.

It was fine. It was Gaara's thing. Gaara watched silly TV wrapped in blankets even though it was hot and he could eat anything in any amounts and still look underfed. Lee could watch any amount of sitcoms and soap operas if Gaara needed him to. And if Gaara just needed the company, Lee could watch him instead of the TV.

"Do you want me to help you with that headache?" Lee asked softly, when one sit-com and one and a half soap-opera had passed and the creases between Gaara's eyes hadn't disappeared.

It wasn't a very bad headache or Gaara would have asked for painkillers or gone and fetched some, but it was enough for Lee to want it away. Gaara glanced at him and the frown deepened. He didn't bother to use words to ask; he didn't need to. Lee smiled and that was the answer.

'_How do you know?'_

'_I know, silly.'_

Gaara sighed without making a sound, then he shifted in the blanket he had swept around himself and lay down with his head in Lee's lap. Lee's fingers made their way over to the sides of his head, finding the right spots and rubbing them slowly.

On the screen a young woman and a young man were arguing about which one of them had misplaced the coffee machine, not noticing how their excessively clever dog crawled out from its hiding place behind the sofa, dragging the thing in its mouth to the sound of recorded laughter.

Soon Gaara was asleep. Not a deep slumber, but deepened breathing and relaxing muscles in his body. Lee smiled.

'_Nothing's impossible.' _

He let himself fall asleep as well and slept until Gaara woke him up with a soft and impossibly gentle kiss; followed by a soft smile filled with gratitude and a soft, barely audible 'thank you'. And all was fine again; back to normal.

-

There were things Gaara refused to let go of, even if intellectually he knew that he should. The biggest of those things was his guilt. Gaara had done bad things. He had told Lee about a few of them, during rare moments of sharing his past; others of those things Lee had experienced firsthand. But most of those bad things, Lee didn't know anything about; except how the memory of them affected Gaara.

A part of Gaara was nothing but pure care and kindness. It cared beyond words about others, friends and family but also complete strangers; cared about their wellbeing and happiness. Lee didn't know why Gaara had done the things he had done, why that kind, kind part of him had been pushed aside back then, but he knew that now it regretted past deeds so intensely that it was a miracle that Gaara was still alive. It tore at Lee's soul to even think it, but parts of Gaara would rather not be at all anymore.

It was for his family and his friends that Gaara stayed alive. For Temari and Kankuro. For Lee and Naruto. Where others filled with guilt and death wish said 'I will spare you the burden of me', Gaara said 'I will not cause you anymore pain'. It was the least he could do.

Lee believed that other parts of Gaara saw his choice as punishment, 'live with the guilt because you don't deserve to be free of it'; but that kind, kind part of him lived because he cared about the ones that had grown attached to him.

He was still himself, neither a pushover nor a martyr. Gaara knew who he was and that, even though they complained from time to time, it was that person that the people who cared about him wanted. Gaara not just lived for the ones he cared about, he was Gaara for them.

Lee didn't know how the red tattoo had come to be on Gaara's forehead or who had chosen the symbol, but 'love' was a perfect match for him.

-

When those first hours of cold indifference had passed, Gaara was very clingy. And in this case 'very clingy' really meant **very** clingy. Gaara turned into an extension of Lee's body, like an extra arm or a leg; except he kept moving around. For a while he was glued to one of Lee's arms, or the other, then he had his arms wrapped around Lee's waist and pressed against his back; some moments later he would do the same thing but press against Lee's stomach instead. It didn't matter what Lee did; ate, slept, went shopping, took a shower, Gaara would be there. It was nice, very nice. Having been away from Gaara for so long, Lee appreciated the overdose.

In the morning, the day after the day Lee had come home again, he woke up to the feeling of a tongue behind his ear. It was more of a possessive marking of territory really, than something seductive. A typical Gaara thing.

"Good morning," Lee mumbled and smiled without opening his eyes. He lifted the one of his arms that Gaara hadn't snaked around himself and reached over to fiddle with the red bangs.

"Morning," Gaara breathed. The licking ceased, a sigh warmed Lee's skin. Then the mouth disappeared and the mattress shifted. Lee opened his eyes and found Gaara looking at him, smiling.

"You taste of the mountains," he said.

"Do I?"

"Yes."

"How do mountains taste?"

"Good," Gaara's eyes glittered playfully and he leaned forward to press a kiss to Lee's lips. And another one, more eager and with more tongue. Lee allowed a third and a fourth one too but when not just Gaara's face but his whole body came closer, and when his hands started roaming, he hurried to ask:

"What's happened here? While I was gone."

While he was could still remember that he was interested in talking. Because he was. They hadn't talked at all when Lee was in the mountains, the downside of desolate places, and not much yesterday when Gaara had turned back to normal either; had been busy with other things once Gaara got back to being as he usually was.

For a split-second Gaara looked annoyed and his eyes darkened, then they softened again and he licked his lips; settled on top of Lee, hands folded under his chin.

"Naruto got together with Sasuke."

Lee's eyes widened.

"Are you serious?"

"Would I joke about our dear friend's until recently nonexistent love life?"

"Wha...? But... Already?"

Gaara snorted a giggle and the pale eyes squeezed shut.

"I know."

Not even a month had passed after all. Lee hadn't even had a chance to meet his friend's obsession yet. Naruto had been talking about marriage at fifty, there was supposed to be plenty of time left.

The last thing Lee had heard about the Naruto/Sasuke affair was that after the sleepover, where Sasuke had kissed Naruto to scare him off and Naruto had kissed Sasuke in his sleep to... well, to kiss him, Lee assumed, Sasuke had been sick and Naruto hadn't seen him for over a week.

'It's like he's gone!' Naruto had complained, sitting on Lee's bed while Lee was packing on Sunday, one week and four days ago. 'I have to see him!'

'I'm sure he will be better tomorrow,' Lee had said. He hadn't thought Sasuke would be that much better.

If he had to be honest, Lee had worried about Naruto and his crush on the angry, handsome stranger. His friend had a tendency to get too worked up about things. If Naruto decided that things should be one way, he'd move mountains and stop time to make it happen. Calling Naruto stubborn was like calling the sun kind of hot. Yes, Fate must have been thinking about Lee's dislike for moderation when it set up his relationship with Naruto as well.

But there was only so much that persistence could do here. If Naruto had just wanted to be friends with Sasuke, it would have been a different thing, but boyfriends? If Sasuke had been straight, there wouldn't have been anything Naruto could have done. Lee was as relieved as he was amazed.

"Wow," he said and couldn't stop grinning.

"Yeah. I'm so proud," Gaara said and burrowed his face in Lee's neck. "We should buy him a cake and condoms."

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	21. Saturday bun rolls and shopping

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 19th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 22nd 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**21: Saturday bun rolls and shopping **

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Only on Sundays did Iruka allow himself to sleep in; on Saturdays he got up the same time as on weekdays. Yes, Saturdays were days off too, but Iruka was sure that the reason Sunday mornings were so enjoyable was because there was only one of them.

It wasn't that Iruka was a morning person; he just didn't feel productive if he slept until noon. There were so many things he wouldn't have time to do and doing things was important to him. 'Life is what you do,' Iruka's aunt used to say. 'If you fall asleep the moment you hit the mattress you know you've had a good day.'

Some Saturdays, especially in the winter, when the floor was cold and the bed was terribly comfortable, Iruka wanted to stay in bed all day and wished he had grown up with another aunt. But he struggled through those early mornings and was always grateful he had once the smell of the bread in the oven started spreading.

He kept the same routines even through the holidays, the shorter ones scattered over the year and longer summer and winter holidays. Naruto sometimes said that he was crazy. 'Just sleep!' the boy had yelled more than once, but Iruka was determined; because he believed in his way of living, and also because he feared he might lose the routine if he strayed.

This day was a Saturday, so Iruka woke up early. It was a beautiful Saturday too, sunlight playing on the wallpapers being the first thing Iruka saw when he opened his eyes and had blinked away the blur. Outside the window birds were singing. The bed was comfortable but Iruka resolved. It was the last day of August.

Usually Iruka made bun rolls on Saturdays, but today he had planned a loaf instead. Flour, seeds, yeast and water mixed in a big bowl with a big spoon, the effortlessness of many years of practice and the leisure of having all morning. Iruka loved baking on Saturdays.

There were patches of sun scattered on the floor. Beautiful Saturday. Perfect for shopping. When the bread was in the oven, Iruka went upstairs to wake Naruto. The boy didn't share Iruka's enthusiasm for getting up early anymore, but that didn't mean Iruka was going to let him sleep all day. Especially not if they were shopping.

After knocking, he waited until he heard the grumbled moan that surely would translate to 'go away', then he entered. Frowning and carefully maneuvering around the things littering the floor (he had fallen victim to Naruto's poor cleaning skills many times in the past and didn't think he'd ever be able to walk through that room without caution), Iruka made his way to the window, pulled aside the curtains and let the sun in.

A new, even more displeased grumble came from the bed and the bundle of comforter, legs, arms, sheets halfway off the bed and an unruly blond mop of hair that was Naruto and his bed in the mornings shifted.

"I'll have none of that," Iruka said on his way over to the other window, picked up some pieces of clothing from the floor and tossed them on the armchair. "Time to get up, come on. We've got shopping to do."

Naruto grumbled again and this time a blue eye opened, blinked and squinted in the bright light.

"And clean this mess up, will you?" Iruka sighed. "What if Sasuke-kun comes over?"

"Don't think he will," Naruto muttered; yawned and stretched so what was left in the bed of the sheets fell to the floor. "It's Saturday."

"You never know," Iruka said. "He might."

Sasuke-kun had been coming over a lot recently, almost every day. Naruto had said that Kakashi locked the door and refused to get a copy of the key. Iruka had said that Sasuke-kun was welcome to stay with them as much as he wanted to, as long as there was no fighting; and there didn't seem to be.

"He doesn't care anyway," Naruto sighed and gave up trying to handle the light, pressing his face into the pillow.

"You should care," Iruka huffed. "I have to watch the bread. Don't go back to sleep, I want to leave early."

"'Kay," Naruto mumbled into his pillow and it seemed like he had already gone back to sleep.

Still, by the time Iruka took the bread from the oven Naruto came barging down the stairs and stumbling into the kitchen, t-shirt half-on, whining about being hungry. He never had been very good at falling asleep again if he'd been woken up, and he was even worse at being awake and still in bed.

-

Iruka had adopted Naruto when the boy was seven years old. The blond rascal of a child who had painted 'Super Killer Whiskers of War!' on his face had erased all other options. He had been the child with the most energy. The loudest child. The child who had screamed 'notice me!' so hard that his throat must have been bleeding. Iruka had struggled to hold back his tears.

It had been Iruka and Sadako visiting the orphanage; Sugimoto Sadako. She had been a friend and they were supposed to have gotten married. She was not a man, but Iruka had convinced himself that it didn't matter. He could love her. He did love her. Iruka had been really sure that she was it.

The adoption had been Sadako's idea. They had been together for almost two years and had many times talked about children. She wanted many children, she had said; a big family. Sadako had been an only child herself and always said how she hated not having any brothers or sisters.

It had come as a surprise to Iruka when Sadako suddenly said that she didn't want any children of her own, that she wanted to adopt. She wanted to help children that had had a rough time; she wanted to be there for someone who needed her love. 'Why make new children when there are children already out there, longing for parents?' she had said. Iruka had admired her willingness to help; had smiled and said 'okay'.

When they got in the car to leave the orphanage that first time, Iruka's eyes still moist from emotions, Sadako said she didn't like Naruto.

'_I don't know why, I just...' _

Iruka had been speechless at first, then he had spoken a lot; asked her to reconsider, promised it would be fine as soon as they got to know each other, gone as far as to beg. 'He's got your eyes,' he had said smiling pleadingly. It was true. She had the bluest of eyes. Her doubts and her squirming hadn't mattered. All that had mattered was the boy.

They never did get along. Naruto had tried and tried, been an angel around her and been difficult, but nothing he did made a difference. Iruka had pleaded with her again and again, had been angry, but she was not his mother, she said. 'That boy is not my child!' she had yelled and most nights she had cried herself to sleep.

Two months after Naruto moved in, Sadako left. She took her things and left a note on the kitchen table saying she was sorry; and then she was gone. She called Iruka at work sometimes, asking how things were, how Naruto was doing and apologizing. Sometimes she was crying and said she had been wrong and wanted to come back. Iruka always told her not to call again, but she did eventually anyway.

-

The phone rang while they were cleaning up after breakfast. Iruka's heart jumped at the sound. It had been doing that for two weeks and two days now.

"I'll get it!" Naruto yelled, pulled his sud-covered limbs from the dishwater and ran for the phone.

"Naruto!" Iruka protested, frowning, his focus drawn away from his heart. "Dry off."

The boy slid to a halt and turned back; grabbed the checkered towel from Iruka's hands before grumblingly hurrying back toward the phone, working over his arms and hands with the fabric. Iruka shook his head.

"Hi!" Naruto said and expectation danced around his entire being. His shoulders slumped only seconds later however. "Oh... Hi, Lee."

Not Sasuke-kun. Naruto wandered off out into the hall for privacy. Iruka took over his dishes.

And not Kakashi either.

It had been two weeks and two days since the fight; since Iruka had left Kakashi's house and told him not to follow and not to call. It was their first big fight and had been about many things; small things that had piled up without Iruka even noticing.

Iruka supposed the trigger had been Kakashi not telling him when Sasuke-kun got sick. Iruka had heard through Naruto and found that unacceptable. Kakashi had said he didn't want Iruka to worry and Iruka had felt like a pretty crystal decoration. He'd been a parent for eight years; he knew that kids got sick. They got sick! Kids that didn't get sick weren't normal. Sure, Kakashi was right, he would have worried anyway; but why couldn't he worry?

Iruka had tried to let it go; had tried to pretend it didn't bother him because then maybe eventually it wouldn't; but he hadn't been able to. It had brewed and then when he found out that Kakashi had lied about that seminar when Sasuke stayed over, it had been too much.

They were in this together! They could set up secret plans together for the children to get along better; it was sly and Iruka didn't much like it, but if it helped the children's relationship he would do it. But there was a huge leap from that to Kakashi setting up plans by himself to manipulate Iruka.

Iruka had felt fooled and foolish, and unreasonable. He had felt like a very boring, very conservative and old man who only understood that desperate times needed desperate measures if he didn't know just how desperate those measures were.

He felt left out. Kakashi should have told him; he should have trusted Iruka to know. He should have told him that there was no seminar and he should have told him that Sasuke was sick. If they were going to do this, Kakashi would have to tell him.

But the anger and frustration had faded now. Iruka hadn't changed his mind about the importance of sharing and doing this together, but he had changed his mind about not wanting Kakashi to call or visit. He wasn't sure he had even meant it when he said it. For two weeks and two days Iruka had been waiting for a defiant 'I love you too much to listen' response to his 'stay away!', but it hadn't come.

He was worried that it was over now, between them. He was nervous and remorseful, and most of all terribly lonely.

"No, he is still not my boyfriend!"

Iruka froze in the middle of a scrub against a butter knife and blinked. Boyfriend? The phone conversation going on in the hall had so far been normal, in terms of volume, so Iruka hadn't really listened, but the latest piece of conversation had been much louder, frustration clear in Naruto's voice.

"You can't trust Gaara when it comes to this," Naruto continued, his voice lowering some. "He's just being an ass. There's nothing like that going on, we're just hanging out."

So Gaara had told Lee that Naruto had a boyfriend? Which, according to Naruto, he didn't. Maybe he was just teasing, Gaara was good at that. Iruka finished with the butter knife and picked up another without really paying attention to it. Now that he had started listening it was hard to stop, even when the Naruto's voice lowered even more.

"Yeah, still," Naruto sighed. "We have lunch together in school and hang out during breaks, and he comes over after school."

Iruka hadn't had the stomach for any official Talk, had instead given Naruto some recommended non-fiction books dealing with the subject. However, Iruka might have handed out the books a bit too early. Naruto had read them like they were about insects or cars or flowers and then, to Iruka's horror, had asked all sorts of questions that Iruka was sure only Naruto's mind could conjure. It had been a horrible week with Iruka blushing more than he'd done in years.

It was during that week that Iruka had told Naruto that he personally preferred men. It had never been something that Iruka felt he needed to discuss, but since everything else had been covered then it would have been weird not to say anything. The horrified reaction that Iruka hadn't expected, but still some part of him had feared, had never come. Naruto had shrugged and said 'okay', like it was wanting a blue car instead of a red one. The relief that followed (as soon as the wave of Naruto-questions concerning homosexuality was over), told Iruka he'd been worrying more than he thought.

They hadn't really discussed the subject after that, which Iruka had assumed was perfectly fine even though they talked about pretty much everything else. Children didn't want to talk about their parent's love life, and since Iruka didn't date there hadn't been a reason to discuss it either. And Naruto had been a child, definitely not a dating person. There had been the childhood crushes, of course, and Iruka had heard of them; the grocery store cashier, a girl in Naruto's class. But there was a big leap between childhood crushes and actually dating, and that Naruto had shared when he was younger didn't mean he would share now. You got less eager to talk about such things with your parents when you were in Naruto' age. You talked to your friends. Naruto would talk to Lee and Gaara. Like he did now. Iruka would have one last, more serious Talk when Naruto started dating, but he hadn't thought that would be so soon.

And a boyfriend? Naruto liked girls, didn't he? Not that Iruka would mind if he started dating a boy, of course he wouldn't, it was just... There was a pause before Naruto gave a loud sigh.

"Nothing," Naruto said. "We do nothing. We eat, then he spends the afternoon lying on my floor listening to that damned CD player of his while I do whatever. He barely says a thing."

It was Sasuke-kun, couldn't be anyone else. Why would Gaara say Sasuke-kun was Naruto's boyfriend? Though it did seem like a classical teasing set-up, didn't it? Using that 'love always starts with fighting', or whatever it was, saying. They had been fighting a lot and now they got along. Of course Gaara would be all over it.

"No, it's great," Naruto said without sounding very enthusiastic. "I mean, he's there, it's getting better."

Iruka realized he'd left the dishes and silently crept halfway through the kitchen without thinking, to hear the conversation more clearly. He went back a couple of steps and tried to think of something to do.

But even though it was a perfect teasing set-up and even though Naruto had said they weren't boyfriends, Iruka couldn't help but feel anxious. It could have been that 'still' Naruto had added. Yes, if Gaara had been teasing and told Lee Naruto and Sasuke was dating several times, the 'still' was perfectly understandable, but... Still!

Naruto couldn't go out with Sasuke-kun. Iruka was going out with Kakashi. They hadn't talked for two weeks and two days but their relationship was not over, Iruka wouldn't let it be.

But... Naruto didn't know that, did he? And... He had been kind of... overly focused on Sasuke-kun, back when they were fighting. Iruka remembered his own words, 'he's turned into a caveman!'

No. Of course not. Naruto just wanted to make friends with him; Iruka had told him to be nice and make friends with him. Naruto got excited and stubborn when he'd decided to do something and someone tried to stop him. 'Caveman' was just Naruto being determined, not... flirting.

He had said they weren't boyfriends and 'still' could be explained. Gaara was just teasing.

"I know!" Naruto exclaimed. "It's really frustrating, but what can I do? It's gotta start somewhere. It wasn't like you and Gaara got together over... Err... Ah..."

Iruka had drawn even closer and stopped breathing. He flinched when Naruto suddenly started laughing loudly in a faking manner.

"I just wish he would talk some more!" he said too loudly. "I want to be **friends**, after all. He's my **neighbor**. Ha ha!"

Naruto said good bye quickly after that and Iruka hurried back to the sink before the boy came into the kitchen again. It kept repeating in his head like a mantra.

'_Gaara is just teasing. My son does not want to date his future stepbrother. Gaara is just teasing!'_

-

Iruka made sure they left as soon as they could after that, packing them into the car with environmentally friendly grocery bags made of cloth and cooler bags for milk and other fridge groceries. It was a long drive and a warm day.

Iruka had made a routine of once every two or three weeks shopping huge quantities at a supermarket just outside the city. There were at least five and usually ten versions of everything there and despite the additional cost of gasoline you saved money by going there. Iruka brought Naruto and together they would shop enough to fill every storage space in the house to the brim.

It was nice. It was the only re-occurring business Iruka had in the city and almost felt like a mini-vacation. New scenery and new people. When you went to the store at home you always ran into someone. There were colleagues, friends, Naruto's teachers and for every student Iruka had taught there was at least one set of parents. You couldn't just get your stuff and get out again. Of course, that no one was a stranger was one of the things that made living in a small town so charming, but now and then it was nice to be away from it. It made shopping so much easier and faster, not having to stop in every aisle and say 'hi!' and 'how are you?' and all that.

This Saturday however, even though it was a faraway place and everyone was supposed to be strangers, for the first time Iruka ran into someone he recognized. And it wasn't just anyone. Halfway through the shopping list, by the dairy products (more specifically the flavored yoghurt), Naruto stopped so suddenly that Iruka almost ran him over with the jumbo-sized shopping cart.

"Sasuke?"

And there he was; black everywhere except where his skin showed and looking as surprised as Naruto sounded. Before Iruka's brain could completely wrap around the situation, Kakashi was there too, standing behind a half filled shopping cart and looking as surprised as his child.

"What are you doing here?" Naruto asked Sasuke, but Iruka barely heard.

He had seen Kakashi from the window now and then even. The man had seen him too and their eyes had met for longer than they should have. It felt like things had been said but Iruka didn't know what. He didn't remember Kakashi being this tall close up.

The surprise on his face faded away and something else took its place, but Iruka couldn't figure out what it was. A soft smile crept to Kakashi's lips though and Iruka felt his throat thickening.

"Hello, neighbor," Kakashi said, in a low murmuring voice.

"Hello."

It took some time before Iruka got it out.

"It's cheaper here," he continued quickly and it sounded like he needed to justify some wrong he'd done by being here. "And they have more things. They have this yoghurt and I can't find it anywhere else."

Iruka laughed weakly, lifted a pack of the yoghurt and waved with it. It looked like Kakashi's smile wanted to fade but he held on to it.

"Sasuke," he said. "Take the cart and go ahead. You've got the note."

"Hey, I don't want…"

"Come now. I'll buy you some extra cigarettes."

The teenager sighed, his eyes narrowed as he snatched the cart from Kakashi and pushed it away.

"Fine."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows and Iruka understood.

"Ah, Naruto? Do you want to go too? You could go together?"

"Yeah!" the boy looked like it had suddenly become Christmas. He took the long list from Iruka's hand and turned the shopping cart around. "Hey, Sasuke! Wait up!"

When up-tempo rattling of their shopping carts had faded away Kakashi suggested they move from the dairy product section to someplace warmer. 'How do you like the fruit and vegetable section?' he asked and winked and Iruka had to smile, even though they knew they were just putting on a show.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Iruka said, once the air around him was warmer. He was anxious to keep up the conversation. "I've never met anyone I know here before. Did you used to come here before you moved?"

"We were in the neighborhood," Kakashi said. "City business. And yeah, it's a bit far from our place, but we came here sometimes."

City business. Iruka couldn't help but think about how many things that could mean and if Kakashi would ever tell him everything. But other thoughts were more urgent.

"I missed you," Iruka said.

He'd been thinking it a lot. It had been repeating in his head since he saw that wild grey hair against the groceries, but also ever since that fight.

"I wanted you to call."

Kakashi could have said 'you told me not to,' a lot of people would have, Iruka believed. And it was true. 'Don't call me,' Iruka had said harshly before leaving Kakashi's house. 'And don't come over.'

"I know," Kakashi said instead. "I wanted to call you."

And with a soft, warm and real smile, he left it at that.

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	22. Almost two months

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 26th 2006, Friday  
second version: August 26th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**22: Almost two months**

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Kakashi was in the shower when the doorbell rang and Sasuke was at the table eating breakfast. He had bitten off a bit too much whole-wheat toast and was struggling to chew.

"Get the door, moody teenager," Kakashi shouted happily from behind the bathroom door. "Or I'll get it myself and you'll be embarrassed! Maybe it's a **neighbor**!"

'Neighbor' had turned into code for Naruto; though Kakashi said it like it meant Sasuke's not-so-secret secret lover. Sasuke couldn't understand why almost everyone around him these days was an idiot to some degree. Was it karma? Had he wronged someone somewhere that he didn't know of?

"I'll get it!" Sasuke croaked when he'd finally managed to swallow the damned lump of bread, left the table and grumbled all the way to the door. He should have just let Kakashi get it. Sasuke wouldn't have been the one getting embarrassed. It was probably just that damned Naruto anyway; the blond had developed a habit of visiting before school, claiming he needed to know if Sasuke was sick or not. 'So I'll know if you're walking or staying home if you don't show up on the bus,' he said grinning. Naruto was such an idiot. Would half an hour of wondering whether Sasuke would come to school or not kill him? He was the most idiotic of the idiots around Sasuke.

This morning though, a sunny late September one, it wasn't a smiling, overly energized blond standing on the porch when Sasuke opened a door. The smiling part was right and the hair color, but this blond stood tall, long tresses in a ponytail and smile sparkling with lipstick. Her eyes sparkled too, once she'd removed her sunglasses, and her nails. Her huge chest was barely contained by the top, leaving a cleavage you didn't have to be straight to stare at.

"Yo!"

Sasuke had once run into some friends during one of their outdoors sessions and introduced the woman as his shrink. The gaping mouths and saucer eyes had been priceless. She had loved it. Saying Sasuke was surprised to see her here and now was an understatement.

"Tsunade?"

"I come unannounced," the woman declared. "Just go with it. I want to see how you live."

"Sure," Sasuke frowned and opened the door further. "But I've got school, you should have come..."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Kakashi said, leaving the bathroom with his hair and skin still dripping, a tiny towel around his hips covering about as much as Tsunade's top did. "Good morning, dear lady!"

Sasuke groaned and covered his eyes.

"Morning, Kakashi!" Tsunade said happily. "Pretty place you've got here."

"Isn't it? We both love it. Did you make it without getting lost?"

Tsunade snorted.

"Of course I did."

"Do you want some breakfast?"

"No, no. I ate before I left. I could steal some of Sasuke's amazing coffee though, if there is any."

"Sure there is!" Kakashi chirped. "Go make some coffee, Sasuke!"

"Get dressed," Sasuke grumbled and took off for the kitchen again, happy to get away from the practically naked man. Tsunade followed him.

"And don't worry about school," Kakashi shouted. "I called yesterday and told them you were sick."

"Of course you did," Sasuke muttered under his breath.

She had said she came unannounced but Kakashi had known about it. He had been unusually chirpy this morning and last night.

Tsunade was another one of those idiots, it didn't matter that she was a professional psychologist with many diplomas in her office. She might know how to fix the troubled minds of others but her own was apparently beyond hope. She smoked, drank and gambled; and not in moderation either. It was amazing that she'd managed to keep her license. But maybe that was the reason Sasuke liked her. Tsunade wasn't perfect. More importantly she knew she wasn't perfect and didn't pretend to be. She talked like she knew what she was talking about. Really knew; not like 'I read it in a book once'. Sasuke had met a lot of professional psychiatrists over the years and Tsunade was one of the few that he respected. It was scary really, how many clueless shrinks there were out there.

From his place by the coffee machine Sasuke glanced at Tsunade, seated at the table. Her small smile and the look in her eyes told him that session had already started. To most of the shrinks Sasuke had met 'session' was always in their own offices, at the appointed time, with lots of notes scribbling. Tsunade however could have a session anywhere with anything or anyone.

Once, a couple of years back, Tsunade had taken the car and brought Sasuke out of the city, to the countryside and a place even more remote than this. She had found a small bumpy road and let Sasuke take the wheel. 'The new version of shock therapy,' she had said, not even trying to make it serious. It had been Sasuke's first time driving a car and more fun than he had thought it would be, even with the short off road detour that had followed Sasuke's reaction to suddenly sharing the road with a huge stray cow.

Sometimes Tsunade took their sessions to restaurants or cafés, making a casual conversation out of something that would have been analytic and serious in the office. Sometimes she asked Sasuke to bring Shikamaru as well. And other times they were just in the office having a normal therapy talk. You never knew. Sasuke supposed that was another reason he liked Tsunade. She wasn't predictable and she wasn't conventional. You never quite knew what she had planned. What amazed Sasuke the most about Tsunade's unpredictable sessions was that she was always right. What needed to be talked about always got talked about, no matter where they were. It always fit. They were always at the right place at the right time. It never got inappropriate or difficult to talk; they were always alone when they needed to be.

If she was clever or just lucky, Sasuke didn't know. One might think it had to be intelligence, because Tsunade's lack of luck was famous (at the casinos anyway); though, others claimed that Tsunade just wasted all of her luck on her work and didn't have any left for her gambling.

Sasuke brought two steaming cups to the table, handing one to Tsunade and kept the other for himself. He went back to finishing his toast.

"Aww," Kakashi came into the kitchen, chest still bare but at least he had pants now. "What about me?"

"Make your own," Tsunade scoffed.

Sasuke smiled. Kakashi pouted.

"Lovely weather today," Tsunade said. "A bit chilly, but it is almost October."

"Yeah," Sasuke agreed.

They both sipped at the hot coffee.

"Mm, this is heavenly," Tsunade tapped the cup with a colorful nail.

How it could make a difference who made the coffee when it was a machine, Sasuke didn't know.

"Oh, by the way," Kakashi drawled from the counter, his tone setting off alarms in Sasuke's mind. "I called Naruto too. So he doesn't worry about you."

Extra weight was placed on the blond's name. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and mentally snarled. You had to be an idiot not to get the implication and Tsunade was no idiot like that. Sure enough, she raised a brow in 'really? Who?'

"You know he tends to do that," Kakashi continued. "That dear boy really cares about you."

"Worry about yourself," Sasuke growled.

Tsunade was smiling.

Fortunately Kakashi was back in the bathroom when Naruto passed the house on his way to the bus. Unfortunately Sasuke couldn't help looking at the blond or looking away quickly when he realized what he had done. Tsunade was not a successful shrink because she was bad at reading people.

"Cute," she said, following Naruto with her eyes.

Sasuke sighed.

"He's an idiot."

The blond was looking up toward the house and for a horrified second Sasuke thought he would turn to come and pick him up. Naruto did that too sometimes these days. Sasuke did not want to stand in the doorway and explain the situation to the blond while Tsunade stood behind him waving and Kakashi stood behind her being an idiot. It would be chaos, he just knew it.

"He can still be cute, can't he?" Tsunade said, frustratingly playful as she tiptoed around the subject. "He's got… natural bed hair."

Half an hour later Kakashi left for work. Sasuke and Tsunade stayed at the kitchen table for a while, talking about meaningless things; the weather, the house and how quiet the neighborhood was. Tsunade was a city person as much as Sasuke was, though she cared more about what the city had to offer than the city itself. While it might sound strange Sasuke could admit that it was the city itself that appealed to him. Tsunade however liked the casinos, the horseracing tracks, the bars that opened at noon and the fact that you could always find a kiosk selling cigarettes within two minutes of walking.

They talked around the things that they would talk about later, when they were out of the house. Tsunade might be 'in session' already, but she wouldn't talk serious in the house. She had come to visit Sasuke at home before back when he lived in the apartment, but they had always gone out for the actual therapy stuff. 'Home is not an office,' Tsunade said, even though apparently the rest of the world was.

So she would ask him out on a "date" later. They would go for a walk, a longer one or just a trip to the nearest bench where they would sit and smoke together for a while. Or they would take the car to some odd and unexpected place, or a not so unexpected one.

Sasuke was nervous about today's serious talk. He worried she would ask about Naruto, because if she did, Sasuke didn't know what to say.

He didn't know why but something had changed that day when Sasuke passed out and Naruto was there to see it. Something had calmed down; like the 'air after a storm' afterglow had pressed itself into Sasuke's pores and not come out. Their conversations were more than just exchanging insults now and they spent time together even if they didn't have to. Naruto was still annoying with his endless energy and enthusiasm, his loud voice and occasional brainless comments, but it was like the annoyance didn't stick anymore. Sasuke sighed, rolled his eyes, shrugged and kept walking, not really minding that the blond followed.

He tried not to think about it; tried not to think about how he was the brainless one, keeping such company. Naruto wasn't the type Sasuke made friends and got along with, but Sasuke wasn't even protesting anymore. It was better not to think about it. Just let things be.

That was why Sasuke worried. If Tsunade wanted to talk about Naruto, Sasuke would have to start thinking again; he would have to be ready. She would push him off the cliff whether he wanted to or not.

Actually, 'worried' was a weak word. Sasuke was scared. He had no idea what thoughts he'd end up with if he had to start thinking again. It wasn't just that he didn't want to jump. He wanted the cliff to never have existed at all.

"What do you say?" Tsunade said and stretched when they ran out of pointless things to talk about. "You want to go ruin our lungs?"

Sasuke's stomach swirled. He knew what she was really saying. 'Are you ready for 'serious'?'

"Yeah," he said, but wondered if he really was.

They went for a walk. Tsunade shared her cigarettes with Sasuke, goodhearted as she was, and they went side by side down the street, passing Naruto's house. It was a nice day. The sun was out, sharing the blue sky with some clouds but without arguing. The air was chilly, but the sun warmed. They were alone on the streets, the closest thing to company being a woman standing in her window shaking mats, snapping sounds echoing between houses. She glared at them; maybe didn't approve of fifteen-year-olds smoking together with women in their forties on schooldays; or rather, women in their early thirties, because Tsunade looked younger than she was.

"So tell me about the cute blond," Tsunade said once the mat woman was out of sight. "He reminds me of someone. Was it Naruto?"

"Yeah," Sasuke sighed and blew smoke. "He's just a guy from school."

"But he lives here?"

"That yellow house," Sasuke looked over his shoulder and nodded in the direction. "Kakashi was flirting with his dad, that's how we met."

"Oh? They've broken up now?"

"I don't know if they ever really dated. And I don't care."

Tsunade nodded as if thinking about that. She seemed surprisingly un-shrinkish this morning, but Sasuke supposed she could be just starting out light.

"So you and Naruto became friends?"

"Not... really," Sasuke frowned and found himself wondering about how this whole thing had started. "He just wouldn't leave me alone. We got into fights and..."

"Oh! It's that kid!" Tsunade laughed. "I got a call from your school counselor. Didn't think he'd be a cutie."

"He's not that cute," Sasuke muttered.

"You get along better now?"

"I suppose. We... hang out and stuff."

"Good!" Tsunade said. "Friends are good for you."

'We're not friends' Sasuke wanted to say, but he was afraid she would challenge his statement and have him realize that they were; friends. It sounded too precious for an annoying, loud blond.

Tsunade changed the subject and asked Sasuke about the move. She went into real shrink-mode with that and Sasuke's attention was focused away from Naruto completely. He told her what he missed about the city and what was different here. She asked some good questions, from a therapy session point of view, and he had to think.

Then, before Sasuke knew it, they were suddenly back at the house again and 'serious' was over. Tsunade wanted more coffee and Sasuke made some. When she wanted something sweet to go with it he looked through the cupboards.

Sasuke felt like he'd been robbed of something; like he'd been listening patiently to a joke only to miss the punch line. Yes, he was scared shitless of what thoughts might be lurking behind his non-thinking, but... She'd been such a good excuse to get off the cliff without actually jumping. He should be talking about this. A good shrink wouldn't let her patients hide their thoughts. He needed to talk but now serious was over.

So Sasuke was surprised when the question came; because he hadn't thought it would come at all, but also because of its construction.

"What you're doing with Naruto," Tsunade said. "Is it like what you did with Neji?"

It was deep and not at all like their usual before serious and after serious talks. Sasuke had to think for a long time before answering.

"No," he said finally.

Sasuke and Neji had started out very strangely. They had run into each other at parties, both more or less drunk, and for some reason always ended up making out on some couch. They had eventually tried to have some sort of more serious relationship that didn't just involve loud music and alcohol, after some nudging from Shikamaru, but the attempt had been announced a failure after only one week. They had been just friends ever since.

Sasuke's relationship with Naruto wasn't like his relationship with Neji. Yes, the feeling of inescapable repetition was there in both cases (even if the feelings towards the inescapable repetition weren't the same). It hadn't mattered how Sasuke and Neji's evenings started out, they ended up making out; and here it didn't matter what Sasuke did, Naruto still kept coming back. Sasuke and Naruto also had sort of made out that first time when Sasuke had wanted to scare the blond off, but...

Naruto and Neji were completely different persons. Neji had never shouted anything about marriage and he never would have stubbornly followed anyway if Sasuke told him to stay away. Neji was way too proud to willingly look like an idiot and would rather pretend he didn't care even if he did.

No, what Sasuke had done with Neji was not what he did with Naruto. Sasuke wasn't sure what he was actually doing with Naruto, but he knew it wasn't that. Tsunade was talking about the week when Sasuke and Neji tried to get together seriously. It had been the first time Sasuke had ended up with the same guy so many times and he had mistaken that for... whatever it was that made up real, serious relationships. It had been the same for Neji. They had tried to find something that they didn't have, because... Well, Sasuke was slightly embarrassed to admit it, but because that was what people did. They found someone special and got more serious.

With Naruto there was no such searching. Hell, if anything it was the opposite of such searching. Instead of trying to find something that didn't exist, Sasuke... hated to admit it and hated how his stomach swirled at the thought of it, but... he was fairly sure that he tried to ignore something that existed.

Crazy, retarded thoughts and he wanted to stop thinking again.

"So, what's it like?" Tsunade said and her voice was softer than usual. This wasn't official, Sasuke realized; this wasn't serious. Sasuke knew now that was why she had waited. This was her caring, as a friend, and Sasuke wanting to share, or not.

"It's... I don't know. It's weird. I hated it. I really didn't like him at first."

Sasuke realized he was chewing his lip and stopped.

"Now I don't know. Now it's just... it keeps going, and I don't know if I want it to stop or if I'm okay... with it. He's so damn stubborn."

Sasuke ran out of words. He ran out of air in his lungs, things to say and of urgency. The kitchen was so quiet. He wasn't sure what he had said and wanted to take it all back.

Tsunade didn't say anything. She sipped her coffee and through the 'what the hell did I say?' embarrassing annoyance Sasuke was grateful. Like he didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure what he wanted to hear; if he wanted to hear anything at all.

An idea struck him like a bolt of lightning from the sky. Maybe it was just that he didn't want to hear from her. Maybe she was not the one he wanted to talk to. It was a scary thought, but it wouldn't let him go.

When Tsunade finally spoke, it was about something else.

"It's two months tomorrow, isn't it?" she said. "Since you guys moved out here."

Sasuke had to think. Two months felt like a very long time. Had it really been that long? But when he thought about it, he found that it was true.

"Yeah," he said. "Two months tomorrow."

"Good work," Tsunade smiled. "And you don't have to worry about those other things. I have no doubt that you will sort it out."

Sasuke had to softly smile.

"Alright."

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	23. Sakura's confession

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 2nd 2006, Friday  
second version: August 29th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**23: Sakura's confession**

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This whole friend thing was getting old. Naruto was quite surprised himself actually. He had thought it would be easy. He had thought that just being with Sasuke like that, like friends, if somewhat odd friends, would be enough. He had planned to wait until they were fifty after all.

He had never imagined it would be this difficult, this demanding on his patience, this… this tempting! Naruto just wanted to throw himself at the guy and kiss him! The problem was he didn't want his teeth kicked out or his bones broken right after. Naruto wanted to kiss Sasuke, yes, but he also wanted Sasuke to want him to kiss him. He wanted to be kissed back!

Naruto hadn't quite understood what that expression 'hormonal teenager' meant before. He had always thought Lee and Gaara were just weird with the way they sometimes seemed so desperate. But Naruto understood now, and he admired Lee and Gaara's restraint these days because they did have times when they were in the same room and not all over each other. And they knew that they wanted the same thing. Such restraint!

-

Sasuke suddenly started to make a habit of disappearing just before last class ended. Just before other classes ended too, but mostly it was last class. It didn't happen every day, but often enough that Naruto noticed and wondered. The thing he wondered about the most was why the teachers were so easygoing about it. Sasuke probably had more hours of absence than anyone in class, with his skipping and his whole week of sick leave. Sometimes Sasuke spoke with the teacher before he left. He said something to them in such a low voice that no one else could hear and they looked worried and nodded. They scribbled something in their notes and looked apologetic. Then Sasuke left. Very suspicious. Other times he really just disappeared. One minute he was there, the other he was gone, and even though Naruto thought he kept a close eye on Sasuke, he was surprised every time. Those were the really weird times, because the teachers didn't seem to mind or even find it strange. They just scribbled in their notes when they noticed and never asked anyone if they knew where Sasuke had gone or when he left. Just scribbled and continued with class.

It took a while before Sasuke answered Naruto's questions about it.

'My shrink's talked with the school. I can call her whenever I want to.'

He didn't, of course, he said, when Naruto had started to worry about Sasuke feeling bad enough that he needed to call his shrink that often. He just used it as an excuse to get out of class when he wanted to smoke or just didn't feel like being there.

First Naruto had been appalled, that Sasuke could be so sneaky and use his sickness like that. Did it count as a sickness? What was it really? Then Naruto had been sort of jealous, he didn't have anything he could use like that and Iruka and skipping school did not match at all. But Naruto supposed he wouldn't manage as well in school if he wasn't there as Sasuke did. That guy had really good grades, and Naruto had only seen him study once or twice when he was at Naruto's house. And he was there a lot these days.

The next thing that had jumped Naruto's mind was that Sasuke really was sick. If it counted as a sickness, whatever it was. You saw a shrink for many things, right? Naruto still had trouble fully accepting the fact that there was something... wrong with Sasuke. What did it mean? The guy seemed so normal. Pissed off and rude, but for Sasuke that was normal, wasn't it? Were there things you couldn't say to him? Could he suddenly just get all weird? Even weirder than he had been that time when he passed out in Naruto's arms?

Naruto knew that he was probably just overreacting; Sasuke had said he was fine. But still. It felt weird.

This day was one of those days when Sasuke had left last class early. They couldn't leave the classroom for the lockers together, split up half-way because Sasuke had number 365 and Naruto had number 175 and meet up again on the way to the bus. It wasn't a decided routine, Sasuke probably wouldn't have accepted that, but it was how the end of the day usually went, when Sasuke didn't sneak off early. It felt odd, empty, not having him there.

Sasuke stood waiting for the bus when Naruto came outside, looking all cool and unaffected, as always. Naruto should have been annoyed, maybe, but he had to smile as he half-ran toward him. Sometimes Sasuke walked home when he had left last class early, but sometimes he didn't and this time he hadn't. Sometimes he chose to stay and wait for the bus. Naruto liked that.

It was a windy Wednesday, nine days into October, and the sky held a thick layer of clouds over their head. It wasn't raining but it looked like it could start any minute.

Sasuke rolled his eyes when Naruto came closer and waved. There were already other people there but they didn't matter.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto said when he arrived and laughed between pants. "You're here. Lucky."

"What's it been?" Sasuke muttered. "Five minutes?"

"No, more like twenty. You have no sense of time."

"You have no sense of anything."

"You don't know that," Naruto grumbled.

The place was soon crowded with even more people and Naruto was happy to find them pushing him and Sasuke closer together. When the bus came everyone hurried to get on; because they were in a hurry or because they were pushed by people in a hurry. Naruto was pushed into Sasuke and didn't mind it one bit. He could smell the guy's shampoo.

Sasuke sat by the window as he always did and Naruto sat beside him. Naruto still got and noticed the annoyed glares from the Sasuke fan-girls, but he had learned to not let them get to him. Why should he be upset when he was the one that got to spend the afternoons with Sasuke? They would be so jealous if they knew.

"We need to do some shopping," Naruto told Sasuke when the bus had taken them half-way home. Sasuke raised a brow.

"We need to?"

"Alright, I need to," Naruto made a face. "But you need to keep me company."

"I don't need to do anything with you."

"Oh, come on," Naruto groaned.

Sasuke sighed.

"What are you shopping for?"

"Huh?" Naruto frowned. "Err... Um…"

He took his bag from the floor and started to grope around for the note Iruka had given him before he left for school. He had piled half his books and notes in Sasuke's lap before he found it.

"Aha!" He grinned in triumph and held up the crumpled, scared-looking note before unfolding it. "Let's see… 6 small red apples, 2 blue milk cartons, 1 cucumber and rice. Just that."

Naruto grinned. Sasuke snatched the note from his fingers before he could drop it back into the bag.

"I'll take that," he said and stuffed it in his pocket before dumping Naruto's books back on him and going back to looking out the window.

Naruto hummed happily while stuffing the books back into his bag, unable to stop grinning.

-

They were in the aisle that had rice, looking for the brand Iruka always bought, when Sasuke surprised Naruto so much that he knocked down a column of bean cans with his elbow.

"Sakura confessed to me today," he said.

Cans flew and rolled over the floor and Naruto yelped. He looked at Sasuke, then at the cans spreading and for a moment he neither knew what had happened nor what to do about it; both Sasuke's words and the sudden crash had made things chaotic and confusing in his head.

"S-Sakura?" Naruto got out eventually; fell to his knees and started picking up cans, starting with the ones that hadn't rolled so far. An old woman passing the aisle by looked very disapproving. "As in Sakura in our class?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said.

Naruto thought he saw color on his face, but wasn't sure because Sasuke quickly started chasing after cans too. They did that for a while, chasing cans and restacking them. Naruto's heart was beating. Sasuke didn't usually talk and share stuff like that; he was mostly quiet or replied to what Naruto said. It had to be a special occasion.

"Well?" Naruto dared to say eventually, when the spread out cans were fewer. "What did she say? What did you say? Are you like... dating now?"

The words were hard to form, but he had to.

"No," Sasuke frowned and looked like that was a stupid thing to say. "She told me she loved me and I turned her down."

"Why?" Naruto found himself saying. "I mean, she's pretty, isn't she?"

Naruto went to fetch some more cans. He didn't know why he had said that, that Sakura was pretty. She was, but… They were sort of rivals, weren't they? Both after the same guy. But Sasuke had said he turned her down. He hadn't turned Naruto down. Had he? Sure, he had said he didn't like Naruto and that Naruto should leave him alone, but he hadn't actually meant it, had he? He was here with Naruto now, by choice.

"I'm not interested in her," Sasuke said like it was obvious.

"But why not?" Naruto kept talking stupid.

"What?" Sasuke was annoyed. "You want me to go out with her?"

"No!" Naruto hurried to say. "I was... just thinking."

Sasuke huffed.

"That explains it."

Naruto made a face, though inside he was grateful for the normalcy. Before he could retaliate Sasuke held out a green, black and transparent plastic bag of rice.

"It's this one," he said.

"Ah!" Naruto looked and recognized the coloring as Iruka's brand. "It is! Where did you find it?"

Then he frowned.

"When did you find it?"

Sasuke shook his head and walked away.

"That's it, right?" he said. "We're done."

"Hey!" Naruto yelled. "Wait up!"

He put the last of the cans of canned beans in place, grabbed the wire basket and followed; but Sakura's confession kept gnawing in the back of his head.

-

This day Sasuke didn't argue when Naruto said they should eat cup noodles. He shrugged and said 'fine'. Sasuke usually didn't want to have cup noodles; it wasn't real food, he said. Unfortunately Naruto was completely hopeless at arguing with him about that, because for some reason, when Sasuke said 'that's not real food, Naruto,' he sounded just like Iruka. Naruto lost all fighting spirit; both because his mind had long since been brainwashed into thinking there was no use arguing with Iruka, and because it was absolutely hilarious. The way Naruto was smiling as he gave up always miffed Sasuke somewhat, but he got his way so he couldn't complain.

But there was something about Sasuke this day though. He was especially un-arguing, that small protest on the bus and the one in the store had been sad. It was like there was something on his mind, like he was distracted. Naruto really couldn't get Sakura's confession out of his mind. There was a whole swirl of frustration making a ruckus inside of him.

It didn't get better when they had finished eating and went up to Naruto's room, Sasuke taking the floor and getting busy with his music, Naruto taking the bed and pretending to get busy with homework while he was actually looking at Sasuke. Swirls of frustration made more of an impact when you didn't have stuff to distract you.

He really was beautiful like that, Sasuke, lying on the floor with his eyes closed. His features would relax when he stopped looking and his ears got occupied with music; his frown disappearing. He would look… at ease; even though the floor couldn't be comfortable and the music sounded quite messy.

Sasuke was still beautiful, of course, but this day the frown did not go away; not completely. It agitated the swirls and made Naruto itch. He thought of Sakura's confession and he itched.

There was a stripe of stomach showing between Sasuke's shirt and his pants. A thin stripe of skin that drew Naruto's eyes in like a magnet. It was a strong contrast to the surrounding colors, dark this day, and seemed to almost be glowing. Was it cold or warm? What did it taste like? How would it feel against tongue, lips and nibbling teeth? What did Sasuke's skin smell like? Naruto could only remember his shampoo.

His mouth was slightly opened. Sometimes the lips moved slightly, became more tense or less; slid apart somewhat to show a sliver of the darkness behind them.

The throat moved sometimes when he swallowed. His dark eyelashes would fall against his cheeks. Naruto had heard that many girls were jealous of Sasuke's eyelashes.

'But he's mine!' something inside Naruto was whining when he thought of Sakura's confession.

Naruto realized that Sasuke had turned him down too, only he had been stubborn and refused to accept it. He'd been badgering Sasuke so long that now he'd worn down the guy's defenses, his pretending. Or had he? Maybe Sasuke was just going along with this because it was less annoying than the alternative. Naruto thought about the kiss; the first one. Sasuke had done that to get Naruto to hate him. Yes, Naruto had since then grown confident that there was something more behind that excuse, but what if there wasn't?

Had Sakura accepted Sasuke turning her down? She didn't always show it, but Naruto knew that Sakura could be a stubborn girl. What if she was stubborn enough to pester Sasuke's defenses away too? Had Sasuke kissed Sakura to scare her away? It made no sense. It hadn't made much sense when Naruto got kissed either, but... You really couldn't kiss someone to scare them away if they had just confessed to you.

Maybe it was a symptom. If Sasuke was sick and needed a shrink, maybe this was why. He kissed people for strange reasons. That could explain his blushing and why he had looked embarrassed when Naruto kissed him in his sleep. Sasuke didn't secretly like him at all; he was just embarrassed because he had done something he shouldn't have because he was sick.

Naruto had left the bed and crept closer to where Sasuke was lying without really knowing when he had acted. His legs were folded underneath him and his clenched fists were on the floor on either side of his knees. His heart was beating and the swirls were more of nervousness than frustration now. He wasn't sure what he was doing. He swallowed. The music in Sasuke's headphones sounded disorganized but at the same time had a strong beat.

Naruto remembered what Sasuke had said that night after the second kissing. If Naruto touched Sasuke again he'd lose all the teeth in his mouth. But Naruto had already touched Sasuke again, hadn't he? In school when they handed each other stuff, on the bus, waiting for the bus. Sasuke had even been in Naruto's arms that time when he passed out and Naruto's teeth were still fine. Maybe Sasuke had forgotten his threat. Naruto hoped so. He crept closer.

Had Sasuke kissed Sakura too?

'I'll be fifteen tomorrow,' Naruto remembered, then he threw one leg over Sasuke's waist and planted his palms on the floor on either side of Sasuke's head.

Sasuke's frown deepened and his eyes opened, slowly, as if he'd been sleeping and carefully woken up. There was surprise and annoyance mixed with embarrassment. A soft hint of color on his cheeks.

"What are you doing?" he grumbled and slipped the headphones off his ears. The music got so much easier to hear.

"Did you kiss Sakura?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke frowned even more.

"Excuse me?"

"Did you kiss her?"

"Why would I kiss her? I turned her down. Now get off…"

"I want to make out," Naruto interrupted.

Surprise on Sasuke's face, at first. Then annoyance, but something about it was off. The color on his cheeks intensified and his eyes turned down, as if aiming for Naruto's chest.

"I told you," he muttered, but his voice was weaker and dressed in less confidence than usual. "I don't like..."

"Really?" Naruto interrupted again and Sasuke looked up again, into Naruto's eyes. Naruto rebalanced and lifted one of his hands off the floor, placed it on the side of Sasuke's face; the soft skin was warm.

"I'm in love with you," he said, trying a smile but felt the lack of joy. "Haven't I told you?"

"I don't… I don't remember," Sasuke said and swallowed.

Naruto didn't remember either.

"I'm going to kiss you," he said and swallowed too; let his head fall down a bit to show that he meant what he said. Sasuke seemed to flinch and there was something swimming in his eyes that Naruto could best describe as fear. Naruto felt it too. His throat was dry, his muscles weak. His skin tingled and his stomach felt like the swirls had nested and made babies. His fingers moved softly on Sasuke's face, through his hair, but he didn't know if it was really him. Was it really him, making those small, soft finger movements? Naruto was amazed that Sasuke stayed still.

His music was loud. Didn't his ears hurt?

It felt a bit like that time when Sasuke had been sleeping, only now he was awake and watching. His cheeks were still colored. Naruto swallowed again. The headphones suddenly got quiet, only to start blaring again after a few seconds of silence.

Naruto took it as his cue and went down.

Halfway to Sasuke's lips, Sasuke's fist flew up and hit Naruto square on the jaw.

Even with the warnings and Sasuke's 'I don't like you's and reasons, it was sudden. Even though it wasn't a hard punch it froze the insides of Naruto to ice and it hurt. He was suddenly afraid to look Sasuke in the eyes. He felt pathetic, like a failure, like a criminal, and didn't want to see the evidence in those dark beautiful eyes. He wanted to get up and leave and never come back again, though he doubted that his muscles would carry him.

He looked anyway, but what he found was not what he had expected. There was surprise in Sasuke's eyes; there was 'what did I do?'

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said and that seemed to surprise him too. His fist relaxed to a half-opened hand and he pressed it to his chest.

Naruto took a shaky breath and straightened up.

"No, it's fine, I…" he said. "I shouldn't have done that, I was just…"

He laughed weakly, his eyes were burning. He looked out the window. Didn't want to see anymore. He could feel Sasuke with his legs, but he didn't want to see.

"No," Sasuke began and then his voice died; but it came back again. "No. I mean, I'm sorry. I don't know why… Why I did that."

Before Naruto could turn, Sasuke had grabbed his neck and pulled himself up; his mouth coming close to Naruto's ear.

"I don't think I wanted to do that," he almost whispered.

When Naruto turned his nose hit Sasuke's and Sasuke scrunched up his face for a split-second and blinked. Naruto blinked too. There was an arm around his neck that didn't belong to him. For a moment they just looked at each other. Then Sasuke sighed and turned away.

"Fuck," he breathed and looked embarrassed.

Naruto smiled, just had to smile. Then he quickly pressed a kiss to Sasuke's lips before the guy could change his mind. Sasuke blinked again, then rolled his eyes and sighed. His arms shifted around Naruto's neck as if he didn't know what to do with them.

And it was enough; for now it was enough, that short, short moment of his lips against Sasuke's. Naruto slipped his own arms around Sasuke and rested his chin on his shoulder. So much for teenage hormones. Lee and Gaara had to just be perverts.

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	24. Designed for confusion

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 9th 2006, Friday  
second version: September 2nd 2008, Tuesday

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The beginning of this chapter is a tribute to the 80's Swedish kids' show Joelbitar. It was absolutely amazing. Check my profile for a picture collage.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto or the Joelbitar series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**24: Designed for confusion**

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I remember the song like I heard it five minutes ago. The beat of the music and the lyrics. The man sang about winter and summer, about stars and the ocean.

How come I liked that show so much? It was really weird and nothing actually happened. The kid ate grass and got chased by his mom. He screamed when he didn't get his way.

I remember one day like it was last Tuesday.

I'm sitting on the deep red carpet too close to the TV; trying to sing along with the lyrics but only getting one or two words right. I suppose it must sound like a wordless, cautious mumbling; I can't have been older than three.

The intro is running. The kid's got food all over his face and then he plays in the bathtub. How old can he be? And what was his name again? Some things I remember so clearly and others are just wiped out from my memory. When the intro is over I hear the footsteps behind me and turn with a gasp of excitement.

"Niisan!" I shout.

It is my brother. I knew his footsteps, could recognize them anywhere. And I still do.

"Hey, Sasuke," he smiles and waves.

He comes inside, sits down behind me and pulls me closer. Crosses his legs and lets me sit in the small space between them.

Then he watches the whole show with me; seven minutes of meaningless kids' show with his jaw cradling the top of my head and his arms and legs cradling me. He laughs when I laugh, comment on my comments; like it's not meaningless; like it means so much. Even though he must have had more fun things to do. He seemed so much older, so mature; like a grown-up already. How old was he when I was three?

I don't remember how old he was then or how old he is now. I know I have seen papers where it's written, many times, but I refuse to let it stick. I don't want to remember.

It makes no sense, the things we remember and the things that escape us; but I wish I remembered less of him. Some days I wish he would just go away.

-

Sasuke woke up with a jerk when Kakashi knocked on the door.

"Hey, moody teenager? There's a **neighbor** at the door that says he knows you. Do you know any **neighbors**?"

Sasuke sighed, squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand through his hair. What time was it?

"Just let him in," he said.

"Right!" Kakashi sang and it sounded like he skipped away from the door.

Sasuke put an arm over his eyes.

Naruto. Of course it was Naruto. They had talked on the phone last night and Naruto had said he'd be over first thing in the morning.

'No, you won't,' Sasuke had said. 'Any earlier than ten and I won't let you in.'

'Come on,' Naruto had whined and Sasuke had heard him pout. 'I wanna see you.'

'No,' Sasuke had felt his cheeks warm but stayed strong. 'It's Saturday. Sleep in.'

So that should answer the question of what time it was. Ten.

It felt weird, this whole thing. Sasuke didn't know whether to like the situation or not, but knew it leaned toward 'like'. He had gone along with it, hadn't he? But that felt weird too, liking this thing, because he wasn't sure what it was. Were they together now? Did Sasuke have a boyfriend now? If so it would be the first time.

Neji hadn't been Sasuke's boyfriend and he was the only one even remotely close to the position. They had tried to make a boyfriendship out of their thing, but it hadn't worked. Sasuke didn't know why it hadn't worked, but he knew they had missed something; there was something they hadn't had.

What hadn't they had? Who knew? What really made up a relationship? Did he and Naruto have it? Was Naruto Sasuke's boyfriend?

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sasuke thought it should be obvious when he reached that stage with someone; when nothing was missing he would know, so he was confused. This thing now, with Naruto, felt like it should be something. It was different from the thing with Neji and it was different from all the other flirts Sasuke had had too. There was no feeling of spur of the party moment over this. It had been spur of the desperate moment a few times, from Sasuke with that very first kiss, and from Naruto both when he jumped Sasuke when Sasuke was sleeping and when he jumped Sasuke three days ago.

But despite those 'spur of the desperate moment' few times, they had been brewing for a long time. For almost three months they had been brewing now and there was no 'trying to find something' like there had been with Neji. This was not something Sasuke would want to find anyway; the only way he could accept something like this was if it stood in front of him for days, weeks, months and refused to go away, and even then it was hard.

Sasuke heard Kakashi talk in the hall and heard Naruto talk too. They both sounded cheerful; like a sound manifestation of the sun. Then a moment passed until he heard Naruto come up the stairs. The blond didn't move as quickly as he usually did when he was coming up stairs, as if he was cautious or nervous. Which meant he was nervous, because 'cautious' had to have been erased from Naruto's dictionary.

Sasuke's stomach swirled as if he stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. If Naruto was nervous then there had to be reasons. He wondered if he should get out of bed maybe; but then came the knock on the door.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke cleared his throat.

"Yeah," he said. "Come in."

He settled for sitting up as the door opened carefully, slowly, only a little. Naruto stuck his head in first, his fingers wrapped around the door, glancing around before finding Sasuke on the bed. He looked nervous; scared to death in a way, but at the same time his eyes glittered with joy.

"Good morning," he almost whispered and Sasuke felt like a deer that would run away if startled. "It's ten now."

Sasuke sighed.

"I said come in."

"Oh, right."

Naruto opened the door more and slipped through, closing it behind him. And he seemed to stay there, just inside the door. Almost with his back pressed against it. Sasuke wanted to sigh but didn't. Instead he challenged his nerves and tried a smirk.

"Are you nervous?" he asked. Naruto flinched very slightly, then shrugged, pouted and sniffed.

"No. Are you?"

Sasuke just snorted, hiding his nervousness with amusement. Now Naruto had to act normal and come in; and he did. He took a walk around Sasuke's room, as if it was a park. Glanced at Sasuke's CDs in the bookcase, at the desk that was very clean compared to Naruto's, out the window and commenting on how nice it was outside.

They hadn't really met like this since that Wednesday, when Naruto had kissed Sasuke. They had only met in school and on the bus rides to and from it and that didn't count. On Thursday Naruto had said that he had to go see Lee fight in some contest. He had promised apparently. He said that Sasuke could come along if he wanted to but Sasuke had declined. It was way too soon to go to some event as a couple, if they were a couple. When the blond started worrying about how Sasuke would get through the afternoon locked out, Sasuke had lied and told Naruto that Kakashi was leaving work early. He had spent a few hours walking and a few napping on a bench in a public playground near his house. The weather had been nice that day too.

On Friday Kakashi had left work early. He had picked Sasuke up after school and they had gone to the city together. Sasuke had had another appointment with Tsunade and Kakashi insisted that they take the rest of the afternoon to do some shopping. Sasuke had not complained.

He'd visited his favorite stores and walked his favorite streets. He'd bought two new CDs at "his" music store and gotten a huge discount because it was Sasuke's first time there since the move and the owner was happy to see him. Once the CD shopping was over (to avoid arguments over Sasuke's choice of music store) Sasuke had called and met up with Shikamaru and they had spent the last hours together.

Sasuke had thought it would feel horrible to go back to the city now that he didn't live there anymore, but it hadn't. It hadn't even felt weird. It had felt like he hadn't been away at all; like the move and Naruto and Iruka and school and the perfect neighborhood had been just a dream. It only showed when he talked with his friends; so many things had happened that he didn't know about. It wasn't serious things, big things; it was just stuff that didn't matter but he would have known if he had still lived there. Shikamaru mentioned some things like that when he called, but a lot of those things only made sense to share when they happened, not when you talked to someone over the phone that hadn't been there. And Sasuke hadn't talked to Orochimaru, the music store owner, at all since he left. They never called each other, weren't friends like Shikamaru and Sasuke were friends, but the man had still made up a pretty big part of Sasuke's city life, the man and his friends. Kakashi and Shikamaru had always been nagging about how dangerous Orochimaru's company was, but in Sasuke's eyes they had been overreacting. Especially Kakashi's 'he's a criminal, a pedophile and twice your age!' argument had gotten very old. 'More like three times,' Sasuke had used to snap.

And so today it was Saturday, ten in the morning and Naruto was wandering around in Sasuke's room. The blond usually didn't come here, since Kakashi was the one locking the door and they never really hung out on the weekends. Things had changed now though, hadn't they? Sasuke had been surprised but at the same time not, when Naruto called the night before and said he would come over.

Before the call, ever since Wednesday, Sasuke had thought about calling, or just showing up. He had never called Naruto before or just showed up, but things were different now. If this thing was something, Naruto shouldn't be the only one calling, right? Sasuke didn't know. Two days of thinking had produced nothing.

Before they had left Naruto's room on that Wednesday, they had kissed again by the door. That time their tongues had played, a hand had rested just above Sasuke's hipbone and one had been on Naruto's shoulder. Sasuke had recognized Naruto's kissing from the very first time, inexperienced but eager to make up for it, and had been wandering between trying to instruct without words and getting lost in Naruto's enthusiasm. Sasuke still could sense the tingling feel of his mouth in and on his.

Naruto ended his short, unguided tour of the room by flopping down on the side of Sasuke's bed. Sasuke had to move his legs to give him room. He seemed to avoid looking Sasuke in the eyes.

"Were you asleep when I came?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said.

"It's ten though," Naruto defended.

"I assumed."

Naruto turned his attention and grabbed the CD on top of the stack on Sasuke's nightstand. Frowning, he struggled to spell out the name of the band and the album, like he was in first grade.

"This one looks weird and messy too," he said. "Do you have anything normal?"

Sasuke sighed and snatched the CD back.

"No," he said. "And it's not messy."

The first time Naruto saw Sasuke's room was when he came to return a couple of schoolbooks he had borrowed from Sasuke and forgotten to return. One of the first things he had done was look through Sasuke's CD collection. He'd always been curious about Sasuke's music, he had said. Sasuke had been standing beside him, anxious and frustrated the whole time, picking CDs from Naruto's hands and placing them back in the right place, and rearranging the ones Naruto put back himself. The blond had said almost all the CDs looked weird and messy.

"I bought it yesterday," Sasuke said.

"Ah! Yeah, you went to the city. Was it fun? What did you do?"

"Bought CDs, had a session, met friends."

"That's cool," Naruto hummed. "What friends?"

"Just friends."

"Did you meet that one you called? You know, that day?"

"Shikamaru. Yeah."

"I studied for that math test next week," Naruto said. "Then I played some Playstation. I was gonna go see Lee but when I called he and Gaara were still... umm, still celebrating Lee winning that contest."

Naruto coughed and Sasuke saw his cheeks had colored slightly.

"Still?" Sasuke blurted before he could stop himself. He felt his own face grow warmer. "I… I mean…"

"Yeah..." Naruto seemed equally embarrassed. "They're… um, really into each other."

Sasuke hadn't seen Gaara in school yesterday and at lunch Naruto had leaned over the table and whispered that he was skipping to celebrate with Lee; Naruto's red cheeks and manner said what words didn't. His friends were having sex.

Sasuke had been surprised when he first heard that Gaara of the Sand was gay and dating. He hadn't met the boyfriend, Naruto's friend since childhood Lee yet, but he had seen pictures in Iruka's kitchen. He didn't at all look like someone Sasuke had thought the infamous and deadly Gaara of the Sand would date. Actually, Lee looked like a serious dork; with strange eyes, overgrown eyebrows and a weird haircut. Those pictures had looked old though, Naruto much younger and more mischievous. Maybe Lee was cooler now. And either way, they had sex. For two days.

"They're such perverts!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly and threw his arms out.

Sasuke could have muttered 'so are you', or something, because hadn't Naruto jumped him in his sleep that time? But he didn't say that. He wanted to leave the sex subject behind, not get entangled in it more. The bed vibrating from the energetic jumping of feet against the floor said that Naruto wanted to leave the subject behind too.

The blond was such a liar, by the way, saying he wasn't nervous. But Sasuke was too, wasn't he?

"Ah," Naruto broke the awkward silence and Sasuke looked at him to find the blond frowning. His hand went up toward Sasuke's face and Sasuke blocked instinctively.

"What are you doing?"

"You've just got some sleep in your eye," Naruto said and squirmed with his hand against Sasuke's to come closer.

"Sleep?" Sasuke frowned too and curiosity mixed with confusion let the questing hand through.

"Yeah, like..." Naruto set down his other hand on the bed beside Sasuke's hip and leaned closer, while the questing hand's fingers moved toward Sasuke's left eye. "Here..."

Sasuke had to fight himself to stay put, not wanting to seem weak, as Naruto carefully, gently scraped the inside corner of his eye. But while the finger in his eye was uncomfortable, the closeness of Naruto was nice. Sasuke could feel his warmth and feel his breath; the blond had brushed his teeth. Sasuke realized he had just woken up and must have the breath of a yak.

Then the finger retreated and Naruto pulled back somewhat, smiling.

"There!" he said and showed Sasuke his finger and the small dot of 'sleep' on the tip. Sasuke made a face and Naruto realized, wiping it off on his pants.

"Sorry," he grinned. Sasuke sighed. Naruto chewed his lower lip for a moment.

"I'm sorry," he said again, but didn't seem very sad. He rather looked amused, giddy. "I lied, I am sort of nervous."

"No shit," Sasuke said and could feel a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Naruto snorted and grinned even more.

"I've never dated anyone before," he said, soft blush back on his cheeks. "Oh, um… not counting that girl when I was five; or that other girl when I was nine. Or Yumi, you know the grocery store cashier? Though I suppose I never really dated her, I was a kid and she just agreed to marry me when I grew up."

'That many girls, huh?' Sasuke found himself thinking and it gave birth to a strange feeling in his stomach. He didn't know why, but it was a frustrating thought, that he might be the first guy; like there had been a mistake somewhere. Sure, there could have been a boy somewhere that Naruto had forgotten about, in kindergarten maybe; but he had only mentioned girls. Why go after Sasuke if you were only interested in girls? It could be because it was yet another thing that made them different and Sasuke liked the things that made them similar. Child Naruto had been running around dating girls and wanting to marry female grocery store cashiers while the only person child Sasuke had wanted to marry was his brother; and his brother had never agreed, only smiled.

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and looked embarrassed.

"I really haven't dated anyone before," he said. "So I'm nervous, I… I don't really know what to do."

"This…" Sasuke hesitated for a moment before he continued; trying not to let the difference frustration get to him. "This is… dating then?"

Naruto looked surprised.

"Yeah! I mean… Yeah!" Then he frowned and seemed worried. "I-Isn't it? I thought… I mean, I kissed you and you kissed back, that means we're dating, doesn't it?"

"I..." Sasuke felt warmth rise to his cheeks. The blue eyes were so intense he had to look away, but looking away felt weird too, so he turned his head back to Naruto again. He found his teeth nipping on one of his knuckles and put his hand down. How long had it been since he had a smoke?

"I guess," he finished.

Sasuke was scared. There was a dull, gnawing fear in the back of his consciousness, in his stomach. He recognized it, even though it had been years since last time. It had been there when Sasuke first came to realize that he could and wanted to live with Kakashi. It had been there when he became real friends with Shikamaru. It was a fear of loss, a frantic, panicking 'don't take this away from me!' And now it was there with this; with him. Sasuke was surprised.

But Naruto smiled. He squeezed his blue eyes shut for a moment and opened them again. Then he leaned forward and Sasuke met his mouth with his own. Kissing was easier; Sasuke knew about kissing.

Naruto's lips were warm, warmer than Sasuke remembered and soft, except for one chapped part of the upper lip.

Sasuke pulled back and with a squish they parted. He put his hand on the side of Naruto's face before he moved in again and this time lips opened and tongues met. Sasuke watched out for teeth and slowly felt around in the smooth, moist inside of the mouth, trying to calm Naruto down. It was easier if you calmed down and took your time.

When Naruto had had eagerness and desperation to make up for his lack of technique, it hadn't really mattered; the blond not knowing what he was doing had made things more interesting instead of less. But now he was nervous and gentle and it messed with his flow. He seemed to be a fairly fast learner though.

Sasuke realized that it had been a long time since he kissed anyone like this, by choice, without agenda and without being drunk. It really was more interesting when you weren't drunk. He wouldn't have minded a longer kiss but Naruto pulled back, blushing and licking his glistening lips.

"You know," Naruto mumbled, smiling; looking shy all of a sudden. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to feel you had to do anything or come with me or something, but... "

Sasuke frowned.

"What?"

"Thursday was my birthday," Naruto said sheepishly. "I'm fifteen now. I'm sorry, Iruka wanted to invite you over to celebrate but I said you were busy. I didn't think you'd like it; Lee and Gai were there and Gaara and his siblings. Gaara would have teased us and we'd just... you know."

"That's okay," Sasuke said and shook his head and frowned. "You're right, it would have been... weird."

He felt grateful at the same time as he felt lonely, hearing that Naruto had been celebrating his birthday with friends and family only a few houses away. It would have been weird, but...

"Happy birthday," Sasuke said.

"Thank you," Naruto said and moved closer again, wrapped his arms around Sasuke and held onto him hard. His voice was a shuddered breath against Sasuke's neck. "I really wanted you to be there."

"Next year," Sasuke said without really knowing what that meant.

But Naruto seemed to; his arms squeezed even harder. When he let go and pulled back his eyes were shining. Really, he was too sensitive.

"I got a present though," Naruto said, smiling. "From you. Though it came one day early."

"Really?" Sasuke said and raised a brow even though he understood and it was horribly corny.

"Yeah," the blond said without explaining and Sasuke was grateful for it. Stuff like that you weren't suppose to argue, but if Naruto had said it out loud Sasuke would have had no choice. He was no birthday present.

"Can I kiss you again?" Naruto asked, even though he hadn't the first time. The birthday present idea combined with Naruto's smile and his glittering eyes and the moment had turned so sugary that Sasuke had to do something or he would surely get cavities.

"You haven't done much kissing, have you?" he said and shifted where he sat, with confidence.

It worked wonders. If a romantic song had been playing on record in the background, it would have stopped with a screech. Naruto's smile and glitter turned to a frown and a blush of embarrassment.

"S-So?" he muttered. "What do you mean?"

"You're not very good."

Naruto stiffened and for a second looked mortified; then mortification turned to offense and he shifted like he didn't know what to do with himself

"W-what?" he sputtered. "What are you saying? That's the meanest thing I've ever heard! I'm not a bad kisser, I just haven't...!"

"If you haven't done much kissing, you're a bad kisser," Sasuke cut him off. "I'm not telling you to be mean, I just think you should know. You're not very experienced."

Naruto's cheeks were burning.

"S-So? Are you super-experienced? Have you kissed hundreds of guys?"

Sasuke sighed and glared.

"I've kissed more than you have. And calm down."

"I am calm," Naruto grumbled. "How many?"

"I don't know," Sasuke was starting to get frustrated. "Can I get to my point?"

Naruto frowned, pouting and eyes narrowed.

"You have a point?"

Sasuke found that he was slightly surprised himself. He had a point besides breaking the emotional mood that would have sent him to the dentist?

"Y-Yeah," he huffed. "I'm just saying, you should know... You need to practice."

"Fine, I need to practice," Naruto muttered, still offended. "You've kissed hundreds of guys and I've only kissed you so I need to..."

His expression quickly went from surly to realization, then delight crept up on him. Sasuke started to wish he hadn't said anything.

"Yeah..." Naruto smiled and shifted closer. "I need to practice."

Part of Sasuke sighed and told himself he should have known it would come; the rest of him couldn't help but like the idea. His stomach swirled as Naruto came even closer.

"I can practice on you, right?"

"Sure," Sasuke breathed against the mouth hovering in front of his own. "I can teach you."

There was a difference. Naruto kissed him, but only once and quickly.

"You can just let me kiss you," he mumbled, knew the difference too.

Sasuke couldn't help but grin against Naruto's lips.

"Teach," he said and they kissed again.

"Kiss," Naruto was grinning too and they kept practicing.

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	25. The why and the dreams

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 16th 2006, Friday  
second version: September 5th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**25: The why and the dreams**

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Kakashi arched an eyebrow at the sudden, muffled 'ow!' and moved a few steps closer to the door. The yelp was followed by a hissed something that he couldn't make out and a 'sorry!' Then it was quiet for a moment, before a creak from the bed broke the silence.

He moved closer, quiet step after quiet step, and soon Kakashi could hear the soft squishy sound of lips against lips, those muffled moans that sometimes came from your throat when you were kissing and the occasional catching of breaths. When he had arrived at the door and was just about to put his ear against it, a second 'ow!' came, this one louder.

"I'm sorry!"

"Can you watch it?"

"I told you, I'm sorry! But you said you like it."

"The little bites! Not the fucking ripping my skin off."

"Ugh, you're so… Fine! I get it!"

There came an annoyed and barely convinced grumble and Kakashi would have laughed if it hadn't given him away. Sasuke could be such a baby. Sometimes you had to have the patience of a saint and thicker-than-rhino skin if you wanted to deal with him and not scream in frustration. And Kakashi had only been a parent; he couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to date the guy.

But the make-out sounds came back and Kakashi pressed his ear to the door to hear better. It wasn't that it turned him on or anything, listening in on the kids messing around. He wasn't doing it for perverted reasons, he just wanted to know what they were up to; how far they had gotten and well… things like that.

Sasuke thought he was still away shopping. And that was the point, because Kakashi had noticed that very little, if anything, went on while he was home. Kakashi had never told the kid about his sneaking skills (since they were sort of most useful if they were a secret) and he was sure that Sasuke would rather not know anyway. He would never be able to relax if he knew that Kakashi could be anywhere at anytime, hearing anything. And a Sasuke that never relaxed would mean a constantly pissed-off Sasuke at best and a once-again-institutionalized Sasuke if you weren't so lucky.

You might not guess it at first, with the way he eagerly expressed his displeasure, but the moody teenager was a very private person. Those things he first showed you were just the façade; they didn't matter. What Sasuke really felt, what really meant something to him, you had to prove yourself worthy before he showed. That was what had made Kakashi suspicious and curious in the first place, that Sasuke showed what didn't matter and hid what was important. Kakashi had smelled the thing between Naruto and Sasuke almost from the beginning and had expected to walk in on them making out on the couch for weeks, until the thought had struck him that maybe this wasn't just another Neji-thing.

The Neji-thing was Sasuke's first and only boyfriend attempt, according to Shikamaru. A couple of years back there had been a week when Kakashi had come home from work and found his teenager making out on the couch with a long-haired, scowling guy of few words; because it was a teenagers job to frustrate his parents. The first day had been quite a shocker.

'Welcome back,' Sasuke had drawled and smirked once his mouth was freed from the other's, his eyes shining with 'I dare you to disapprove.'

Kakashi had put on his most charming and to teenagers teasing smile and simply asked: 'does your friend want some coffee?'

It had been a fairly turbulent week and Kakashi was amazed that things hadn't escalated to all-the-way sex by the end of it.

Naruto would have been a perfect Neji-thing. What better way to get back at Kakashi for moving them here than for Sasuke to mess around with Iruka's son? When he sensed that the sparks between Sasuke and Naruto had started to really turn into something, Kakashi had been anxiously waiting for the call from a fuming and distraught Iruka, or to walk in on the two entangled somewhere himself.

But there had been no call and Kakashi hadn't walked in on anything. It wasn't a Neji-thing. As strange as it may sound with the initial complaints Sasuke had had about Naruto and all their fighting, this mattered to Sasuke. Whether he knew it or not, Sasuke was actually serious about this.

It was ironic really; they were both for the first time serious, and they'd managed to fall for a father and a son. Iruka wouldn't like this at all. But that was the reason why Kakashi was curious and spied on Sasuke and his boyfriend. He wanted to make sure they worked things out. It was important to Sasuke and therefore important to Kakashi. And it seemed like they did get along, in their own way. Arguing every step of the way.

A third, even louder 'ow!' was heard and this time it sounded like Naruto was punched; he whined and moaned like he had been.

"Damned retard! I told you to take it easy!"

"Don't call me a retard!" Naruto's voice was muffled and it sounded like he'd suddenly caught a serious cold. "I just… Ow!"

"Feel that? Does that feel fucking good to you? Fuck this, Naruto."

"Ah, no! Just wait…! Sasuke! Come back!"

Kakashi was on his way away from the door before the bed squeaked again, the result of years of being around Sasuke; he knew when the kid left the room. Kakashi practically threw himself down the stairs as he heard the determined and angry steps across the floor. Just as Sasuke unlocked and threw open the door to his room, Kakashi faked an entrance with the front door, complete with a grin and a cheerful 'I'm home!'

The moody teenager looked very sour, of course, to find that Kakashi had arrived home so conveniently. Or inconveniently. Sasuke's cheeks had more color than they usually had and he pulled at his clothes to straighten them out. His hair was more of a mess than usual, one of the strands having flipped around and stood out from his head, not entirely unlike an antenna. But he didn't seem to notice.

"What are you smiling at?" Sasuke muttered as he passed Kakashi and went into the kitchen. Naruto, who had showed up too, looked even more caught. His face was flushed, and reddened even more when he noticed he and Sasuke weren't alone.

"Ah! Kakashi-san! H-hello! We were just… ah, studying…"

He trailed off and must have noticed himself how stupid it sounded. Kakashi smiled and tried to make it look like it wasn't stupid at all.

"Good good," he said. "And it's Kakashi. Living so close and all, we're practically family, right?"

That seemed to make the kid even more embarrassed and he laughed nervously.

"Yeah, right… Kakashi."

Naruto hurried into the kitchen after Sasuke, who now stood rummaging in the fridge.

"I'll take a soda, alright, Sasuke? Because we were getting drinks, weren't we? Just getting drinks. It's hot today!"

It was hot. An October heat wave.

-

In the dream I'm walking up the stairs to an anonymous building and I get a feeling it's taking longer than it should to reach the top. The woman in uniform greets me at the door and I know that she is an officer of some kind. She tells me to come with her.

There are people in the corridors we walk through. They stand and they look at us, at me; all of them; and they have this look in their eyes, this pity. 'That's the foster father,' it looks like they're thinking. 'Poor guy. But at least he tried. That sad, hopeless kid. We all knew it would happen, but at least he tried.'

The woman leads me downstairs. The walls are dark and empty, sterile. We go down and down and down and the steps give off this echo when we walk on them. This 'clack, clack, clack' sound. I think she's wearing high-heels. I don't keep track of how many stairs she takes me down, but it's many. I try to count them sometimes but always forget once we reach to the doors.

The doors are so far down I don't know if they really make levels that far below ground. She lets me go in first and I do, even though I don't want to. I know what is waiting. I've seen rooms like this on TV, in those criminal series. The walls are covered with small doors, hatches, and everything is grey or dirty white.

The woman walks up to one of the doors and opens it, and then she pulls out the stretcher hiding inside. I know the body resting under the white, plastic-like blanket. I feel strangely empty when she uncovers his face.

He looks at peace in a way. His face is always free from cuts and bruises. He could have been just sleeping, if it wasn't for the deathly pale quality of his skin. The woman gives an almost inaudible sigh and looks at her notes. Then she looks at his closed eyes, then she looks at me. There is pity in her eyes too.

"An overdose. I'm sorry."

She says it like it was meant to happen, sooner or later, and that I shouldn't feel guilt. It's not my fault. But he is my child! Blood means nothing; he is my responsibility, how can it not be my fault?

She says different things every time. There's a dream for every way to die that I can think of. Accidents, murders, suicide.

'Found him in the river. I'm sorry.'

'He jumped in front of a train. I'm sorry.'

Alcohol poisoning, car accident, raped, jumped off a roof, jumped off a bridge, stabbed, shot, beaten. Dead.

'I'm sorry.'

When I wake up I'm always sweating. I get out of bed, dry the tears off my face and go to his room. Most of the times he's there and I stand in the doorway a long time to watch him sleep. I wonder if he has any clue of how scared I am for him. I wonder if maybe next time I let him out of the apartment, for school or for his friends or for anything, if maybe that is the time when he won't come back.

The times when he's not there, I stay up until he comes home. When I wait I wonder, 'is this the time?' Will I get to see him alive again? I wonder, how can you get so attached to a kid that's not even your own? How can you suddenly care so much, when you haven't cared about anything like that before?

There's something that attracts me so much about Sasuke. Nothing dirty, nothing like that, it's just… something. There is something in his eyes, something so haunting in that gaze of his, in that glare of his, in that sparkle that he gets in his eyes when he smiles.

I wonder if he had that sparkle all the time before it happened, when he still was a kid. It becomes so painfully obvious when I see that sparkle. He stopped being a kid when he was five and a half years old.

I read in the report that he saw; not when it happened, but he saw them dead. How do you go through something like that without giving up on life? How do you say to yourself: 'life is still worth living'? What can be worth living for, if you're five years old and all the people you know and love are either murdered or the murderer?

Maybe you don't tell yourself anything. Maybe your lungs just keeps breathing, your heart just keeps beating and your blood just keeps running through your veins.

Some times I let him know I'm up when I've waited for him and he comes through the door, others I just leave him alone to go through his routines before he goes to bed.

I sometimes think that maybe there is nothing more I can do for him. Maybe this is as fixed as he will ever be; slowly killing himself by doing stupid things.

And maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe he's just being a teenager doing stupid teenager stuff. I remember I did stupid stuff when I was a teenager. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe he will keep coming back alive.

-

"Is this your place?"

"Yep."

"Wow, the view is beautiful. Bet you don't notice anymore though, do you?"

Kakashi grinned. He unlocked the door and pressed down the handle without really opening it, leaving it to softly, slowly glide up. He grabbed onto the man standing by the railing and turned him away from the beautiful view. It was beautiful, though Iruka was right. Kakashi didn't really appreciate it anymore.

"I don't have to notice it now, do I?" he murmured against Iruka's lips before he kissed him. Iruka laughed when he could.

"No," he said and shook his head. "Not now."

Kakashi dragged them both into the apartment, kissing Iruka again. Then he closed the door and locked it, throwing his keys in the wicker basket nailed to the wall.

"Sasuke?" he called, even though he didn't see the his shoes and the apartment had been dark. "You home?"

Iruka took off his shoes and coat and strolled around in the hall, looking at the few things there were to watch, politely waiting for Kakashi to lead the way further inside.

"Is he out with friends?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi shrugged and hung both his and Iruka's coats on hangers on the wall, next to the big mirror.

"Yeah," he said and then he smiled. "You know, it's Friday. They're out somewhere having fun."

Iruka smiled too.

"Naruto is sleeping over at a friend's house," he said. "They were going out to see a movie."

If Iruka knew that Sasuke most likely was out drinking or fighting with his friends, the man didn't show it. Kakashi led his guest from the hall to the living room and stopped somewhere in the middle and threw out his arms like he was trying to sell the place.

"This is me," he said. "Well, me and Sasuke. In there is the kitchen and that door over there hides Sasuke's room. That door we passed in the hall is the bathroom and that there is an even better view than the one outside. Don't you agree?"

Kakashi waved in the direction of the doors, openings and windows as he talked and Iruka grinned. Went closer to the windows when the view was mentioned and looked out. There were a lot of lights, especially this late at night. Beautiful.

It was the end of June and while not their first date or their first night together, it was the first time Iruka came to visit Kakashi's apartment. Kakashi had been to Iruka's house once before, when Naruto was out; but just that once.

Usually Sasuke knew about Kakashi's dates and flirts and partners, but he didn't know about Iruka. According to Iruka, Naruto didn't know about them either, and it felt strangely fitting not to share this lightly. There was something different about this. As strange as it sounded to Kakashi, this might be it. Iruka might be that special thing that would last and grow until it changed everything.

Kakashi didn't want to tell Sasuke until he knew for sure. He didn't want to tell Sasuke that this was it, only to end up breaking up with Iruka a few months later. If this was it, then this man would be a part of Sasuke's family; Iruka's Naruto would be a new brother. That would have been huge for anyone; for Sasuke... Kakashi couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like.

If this wasn't it, then Sasuke would never know about Iruka; if it was, it, then he would be the last partner Kakashi told Sasuke about.

"I agree," Iruka said, then turned and smiled his gorgeous smile that always lured Kakashi into smiling too. "This is an even better view. But you never mentioned that door there. Where does it lead?"

Iruka raised his chin slightly in the direction of the door Kakashi had deliberately ignored.

"Oh, that one?" He went closer and examined it, pointed. "This one here?"

Iruka laughed and threw his head back. He was a bit intoxicated. They both were.

"Yes! That door. Tell me about it."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow and started moving away from the door again, toward the windows and the man who wasn't swaying, but almost.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes," Iruka giggled. "Tell me."

"Really? There will be consequences."

"Yes!"

Kakashi threw his arms around Iruka's neck and Iruka wrapped his arms around Kakashi's waist.

"Why, that's my bedroom."

"Really?" Iruka faked surprise and then they kissed.

"Really," Kakashi grinned. "You think I sleep on the couch? You think I would bring my boyfriend over to have him sleep with me on the couch?"

Iruka laughed into Kakashi's neck. They had started moving, with slow and wavy steps, not parting, toward that door.

"I suppose you wouldn't."

"There you go," Kakashi said. "Would you like some coffee? Tea? Another beer?"

Iruka shook his head; didn't take his eyes away from Kakashi's, let his tongue run quickly over his lips.

"I'm fine."

They kissed again, slower now, taking their time.

"I just want you."

Kakashi hadn't really thought Iruka was capable of being so naturally blunt. The man had blushed his way through most of their dates, hell, through most of the dates that hadn't even been dates! When Iruka told him that he hadn't dated a man before, Kakashi had assumed that he would be, not scared, but at least nervous about the intimacy. Shy, reserved, timid. But he hadn't been. He had been confident and playful and at ease.

When the subject had come up, because it had, Iruka had just given a small smile with his head cocked and asked if Kakashi had expected a virgin. Kakashi supposed he had, though it felt sort of weird when he thought about it. When he said that, Iruka had laughed and shook his head. Apparently, that you hadn't dated a man before didn't mean that you hadn't tried to date a man before. 'I just didn't find the right one,' Iruka had said, and it had been Kakashi's turn to smile. He could definitely relate to that.

-

After sex, that first time in Kakashi's apartment, Iruka wanted drinks and easily convinced Kakashi to go make them. The seemingly innocent, but actually sly man snuggled into the large comforter and giggled as Kakashi left the bed.

"Hurry back," he said and winked.

"You could come with me, you know?" Kakashi smiled and turned in the doorway. "Keep me company?"

"I don't think we'll come back if I do," Iruka smiled. "And I like your bed."

Kakashi snorted in amusement.

"And here I was, thinking you liked me."

Iruka threw a pillow and Kakashi laughed and dodged out of the room.

"I surrender!" he called from out of range. "No pillows when I get back or you'll be punished."

Iruka snorted and smilingly Kakashi left for his secret stash of various alcoholic substances. It was secret because otherwise it wouldn't last. He knew because he had an official stash as well and stuff always disappeared from that one. Teenagers. Had Kakashi been drinking that much when he was fourteen? Probably. No, he had probably been drinking even more. He really had no right to bitch about it.

Before Kakashi had time to even open the bottles however, the front door rattled open, setting a frown on the man's face as he looked at the clock. It wasn't late enough for Sasuke to be home already.

"Are you sleeping?" Sasuke yelled from the hall and Kakashi's frown deepened. The guy also rarely said anything when he came home from his partying; especially not sounding that cheerful. Kakashi snatched a blanket off the sofa and tied it around his hips for some decency, then he padded toward the hall and stopped when he saw Sasuke.

He was leaning against the wall with one foot in the air, working on his shoelaces with what seemed to be great concentration. Until he looked up and saw Kakashi at least, then he smiled, wobbled and had to put the foot down. One shoe was already on the doormat, kicked off apparently, laces still tied. Something was wrong with that smile.

"You are not sleeping," Sasuke said and looked delighted. Then he lifted the foot again and waved it in Kakashi's direction. "Help me out, please?"

"With your shoes?" Kakashi asked, but came anyway; knelt in front of Sasuke and grabbed his foot.

"Yeah," Sasuke sighed. "My fingers are weird."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said; then he giggled and flopped down on the floor. "My legs are weird too."

Something was wrong. This was not Sasuke when he was drunk; there wasn't even much alcohol smell on him. He had been drinking, sure, but not nearly enough for this kind of behavior.

"Where have you been?"

"Just out."

"Why are you home so early?"

Sasuke frowned and seemed to think about that before he smiled and answered.

"Shika said he wanted to go home."

Kakashi dropped the shoe and Sasuke's foot to the floor and Sasuke threw his arms around Kakashi's neck.

"Carry me!"

"Sasuke…"

"Please… My legs are weird."

Kakashi sighed again and for some reason his eyes were burning. He was scared, he realized, had been scared since the front door opened. This wasn't how Friday nights usually went; Sasuke might go out on Friday but he didn't come home until early Saturday morning. The child was here and that was a relief, but at the same time it made it so frighteningly clear that something had gone wrong.

Was Iruka really sleeping? Kakashi grabbed a hold of Sasuke and lifted him up, the boy light as a feather. Sasuke giggled again and burrowed his face in Kakashi's neck. He was acting like an eight-year old.

"But I don't get it because he wasn't there."

"What?" Kakashi asked and kept most of Sasuke's weight on one of his arms so he could open the door to his room.

"Shika. I didn't see him there. He just showed up and wanted to go home. Weird, huh?"

"Yeah."

'I'll have to call and thank him in the morning,' Kakashi thought and dropped Sasuke on the bed as gently as he could. Sasuke started pulling at his clothes but Kakashi caught his wrists.

"What are you on, Sasuke?" he asked, finally able to form those words.

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and frowned. Squirmed against his grip.

"Heey… Let go, I'm hot."

"Sasuke. Look at me."

He squinted up at Kakashi, stopped struggling and pouted and he looked so much younger than Kakashi remembered; so much younger than he was. Then Sasuke seemed to give up and shrugged.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Noo, it's something new. I don't know. O said it was fine, but I just did it because I lost that stupid bet."

"O? Orochimaru? How stupid can you be, Sasuke? How damn stupid can you be!?"

Sasuke flinched and pouted again. He didn't curse or yell back as he should, just pouted and looked sad. Like he was about to cry.

"Sorry," he mumbled quietly and turned his head away. Kakashi had to look away as well, and let go of Sasuke's wrists.

"Can I take my clothes off now? I'm really hot."

"Yeah," Kakashi said and closed his eyes. His voice was soft again. "And go to sleep, alright? I'll yell at you tomorrow."

"Okay," Sasuke said.

Kakashi was still for a second and just watched the child, before ruffling his dark hair and leaving. At least he was there.

Iruka sat up when Kakashi dropped onto the bed, was frowning and must have heard. He probably saw the tears too. Kakashi made no effort to dry the liquid off, just let them fall as they wished.

"What is it?"

Kakashi didn't answer, just moved closer to Iruka and sighed in relief and shuddered as the arms wrapped around him without hesitation. One of the hands held his shoulders, the other his head, softly, slowly stroking his hair. They stayed there for what seemed like a long time. Life could be heard from outside the window, from down on the streets. Cars and some voices now and then. Kakashi cried silently, the tears soaking the sheets where he lay and Iruka as well. It felt awkward, but at the same time like the most natural thing in the world.

"It seems so stupid to say," Kakashi mumbled finally. "Because it's so cliché, but I think I'm a horrible father."

There was a moment before Iruka spoke. His voice was calm. Caring. Soft.

"What makes you say that?"

Kakashi drew a shaky breath.

"Because my kid just came home high on some drug and he doesn't even know what it is."

Iruka tried to move them apart, to look Kakashi in the eyes, but Kakashi wouldn't let go; didn't want to be away from the closeness just yet.

"Is Sasuke-kun doing drugs?"

"Apparently," Kakashi said, but it felt wrong once it'd been said. "No, I don't know. I don't think so. I would have known and this is the first time something like this has happened."

"Shouldn't we call someone?" Iruka asked. He had stopped struggling against Kakashi's need for his arms and settled them back where they should be. "It could be dangerous, couldn't it? He could…"

"No," Kakashi interrupted and shook his head slowly. "That bastard wouldn't get him anything dangerous like that. He'd just want him to..."

But the sentence didn't want to be finished. The words stuck and in a way Kakashi was glad for it.

"Shit," he said; the river of tears that had calmed down gaining new strength. "What the hell am I doing? How could I let him do shit like this?"

"You didn't…"

"But I did!" Kakashi changed his mind and wanted free of those arms and sat up. "I let it happen! I know where he's at when he goes out and I know what that dirty asshole wants, but I let him go anyway. I keep telling myself that I can trust him, that he's smart and can take care of himself and that maybe this time he will stay with Shikamaru. I can't believe that I'm so stupid! He's fourteen years old, he's just a kid!"

Kakashi shook his head and tried to at least stop shouting.

"You have Naruto-kun stay over at a friend's house when you're away and I let Sasuke be alone because I don't see him as a kid and I want to believe he's old enough to handle it. You are so careful about where you let Naruto-kun go, even if you live in a place where nothing could ever happen and what do I do? I let my kid party with a perverted gang leader pedophile. I know that's where he is. He's not with Shikamaru anymore."

While not entirely true, it was true enough and where it mattered.

"Does that sound like a good father to you? It would be my fault if he dies before he has time to grow up. I swear, if the social workers knew about what's going on here they'd…"

"Kakashi!"

It was the teacher voice and for once Kakashi was happy to hear it. He buried his face in his hands.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just... scared for him, I feel like there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do."

"You could take him away from here," Iruka said, firmly and without hesitation; as if he had been thinking about it for a long time.

Kakashi frowned and needed much more time before he could respond.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what I said. Take him away from here, away from this place. You said it yourself, where I live nothing could ever happen. I'm not entirely sure that you're right about that, but it's definitely easier for things to happen here."

"What are you saying?"

This time Iruka smiled.

"I know your hearing is excellent."

"You're telling me to move? We should move?"

"It's an option."

"But…" Kakashi sighed and for a moment he looked at the ceiling. "Sasuke loves the city. I love the city. He's got all his friends here, school, his life. That would be… He'd hate me."

"Well," Iruka shrugged. "That's parenting. That's being a father. You could be saving his life."

Kakashi thought about that; watched the bed and really thought and he marveled at the feelings that came with it. Iruka's voice broke the silence, but there was a different quality to it this time and his cheeks were slightly colored.

"I know that one of my neighbors is selling her house. It's a really nice house and I think…"

Kakashi looked up and Iruka looked like he had on their first dates; happy and scared to death.

"I think you would like it."

Kakashi smiled and shifted closer; wrapped his arms around the man in his bed and snuggled closer. Iruka's arms were wrapped around him again.

"I really like your ideas," he said.

.  
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	26. Playground reactions

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 23rd 2006, Friday  
second version: September 9th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**26: Playground reactions**

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Sasuke's lungs burned, as they should. His muscles protested, as they should, and his heart hammered in his chest. He turned the corner and spotted their gym teacher, a middle-aged woman dressed in a shiny red tracksuit, stopwatch in hand. She looked excited. Sasuke increased his speed and tried his best to ignore the gathering of fans that had gathered to cheer near the goal; and cheer they did. Yes, sometimes Naruto's loudness grated on Sasuke's nerves, but compared to this the blond's voice was a smooth, low and vibrating cat's purr. Speeding up even more for the last paces, Sasuke went past the teacher, the stopwatch beeping in his ear as he crossed the finish line. Gym teacher threw a fist in the air and cheered.

"Fabulous run, Uchiha!" she shouted happily. "I knew you could do better!"

Sasuke panted, hands on his knees. He'd known he could do better too.

Every other Thursday, their gym teacher had the class run a course through the neighborhood, clocking them to see how they improved. Sasuke hadn't put much effort into the runs before, even though he liked running; but today, now, he had reasons to finish the run fast.

"This is a very good time," gym teacher said excitedly. "Really, very good. I think you could..."

"Can I go?" Sasuke asked, interrupting. "I'm in a hurry."

"Oh," the woman looked disappointed. "Sure, okay. We can talk about that next week. Again, great run."

"Thanks," Sasuke said and forced his legs into motion again. He wiped off his forehead with a sleeve.

The girls repeated what the gym teacher had said as Sasuke passed them, with some added compliments. He muttered a 'thanks', trying not to look at anyone in particular. He heard the angry pushing, elbowing and hissing behind him and couldn't help but wonder what their reaction might be if they found out who Sasuke had been trading saliva with over the past few weeks. Naruto still was the least favorite guy in school for many Sasuke fans, but for slightly different reasons now. Before they had disliked him because Sasuke disliked him and now they disliked him because Sasuke didn't. Sometimes Sasuke was so glad he was gay.

He pulled open the doors to the locker room building and threw a glance toward the finish line, spotting some of his classmates running toward the goal. He didn't see Naruto though, fortunately; though it was no surprise. The blond hadn't been one of the faster runners, Sasuke had noticed. He had noticed because even when he hadn't put any effort into the running, it had felt important to keep track of the blond and make sure he finished before him.

Once in the locker room Sasuke pulled off his t-shirt and tossed it on his bag; he did the same with his other articles of clothing and fished out a towel and the bottle of body wash, before making his way to the showers. He ignored the shampoo, desperately didn't want to still be there when Naruto showed up.

Even though he knew it couldn't be Naruto already, Sasuke flinched when the door to the locker room opened. And even though he tried not to, his being sighed with relief when he recognized the voices of the guys that he had seen before he went inside. They came into the showers a while later, when Sasuke was rinsing lather of his skin, a red-head and a blond; though not as red-haired as Gaara and not as brightly blond as Naruto.

"Hey, Uchiha," the blond said and laughed. "Man, I could kill for those legs of yours. The teacher showed us your time, she was so excited. Talked about signing you up for the regional races."

"We didn't have a chance, the rest of us," the redhead said. "We're usually in first, but... I knew you were just faking those other times."

"Regional races?" Sasuke frowned, then his water shut off and he had to press the button for more.

"Yeah! You'd have to train, of course, but you're good. She said you might even have a chance to win."

"I'm not interested," Sasuke said when the water shut off again; he dried off quickly and wrapped the towel around his hips. He heard the door to the changing room open again and tried not to worry; at least he was done in the shower.

"Pity," the blond said and looked annoyed; annoyed as in 'I would have done anything to run there and you're not interested?' "You would have had a good chance."

Then the redhead laughed.

"What's that?" he pointed and Sasuke felt his cheeks heat up as he realized what it had to be. He picked up his things and tried to look casual.

"What does it look like?"

"What's what?" he heard the blond ask.

"Uchiha's got a love bite on his throat. It's the size of my palm!"

"Really?"

"Yes! I swear!"

"It's not the size of a fucking palm," Sasuke shouted over his shoulder, frustrated because of course it wasn't. It was normal sized. The new guys that had come in looked interested and Sasuke glared at them as he left the showers.

"I can't see it," the blond complained. "Turn around!"

"Fuck you."

"Uchiha's got a girlfriend?" the blond asked his friend and Sasuke tried not to listen, tried to get his clothes on before Naruto showed. Oh, he hoped Naruto wouldn't show now, the guy would definitely blush if he heard this. No matter how daring he was when **doing** the things, he would get embarrassed if he heard their classmates talk about it. He should have finished running by now and could be there any second.

"What do you think?" the redhead sounded annoyed. "Every girl in the whole school is in love with him, of course he's got a girlfriend!"

"Yeah, I suppose… But I've heard nothing about it..." The blond sounded like he was pouting. "Just that rumor... Hey, is that rumor true, Uchiha? Do you have a girlfriend? Who is it?"

Sasuke sighed and said nothing. He pulled on his last article of clothing and finished packing his bag.

"Come on!"

"Just leave him alone," the redhead muttered, annoyed, sighing too. "He's not interested."

Sasuke threw his bag on his shoulder, his jacket on his arm and left with a muttered 'bye'. He heard some random replies before the door closed; then he saw Naruto and stopped. The blond was standing in the corridor, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. When he saw Sasuke he blushed and smiled slightly, pushing off the wall.

"Your hair is wet," he said softly, then he snorted half a giggle and his gaze fell to the floor. When he looked up again he was gnawing at his lower lip. "I couldn't change and shower when you were there. I'd get all… You know. It'd be weird. So I waited."

Sasuke huffed and felt his cheeks warm again, looked to the wall and back. Naruto's breathing could be heard, even from a distance, and it was faster than it normally was. From the running.

"Did you wait long?"

"Nah," Naruto said and came closer. He was oddly relaxed. "You ran fast. Our teacher was telling everyone how you should be in the regional races."

"She's stupid," Sasuke said, maybe somewhat harshly. "I'm not interested."

Naruto smiled.

"I told her you weren't."

"You did?" Sasuke raised a brow and quickly scanned the corridor when Naruto's hand reached out toward him. No one was there so he let the fingers pull softly on the end of his bangs.

"Yeah," Naruto said, distracted, his eyes on his fingers and what they were doing. They dropped the strands and moved closer to Sasuke's face, but then steps and a 'bye' were heard from inside the changing room. Naruto's hand pulled back and he stepped back; Sasuke took some steps away from the door and the moment after it opened. It was the redhead. He gave a small smile and lifted a hand.

"See you, guys."

"Yeah! Bye!" Naruto said, while Sasuke didn't say anything. When the boy was out of sight, the blond rolled his eyes and smiled. He had stuck his hands in his pockets. Even his gym clothes were orange, though now he wore only half of it; the t-shirt was black.

"You'll wait for me, right? I'll hurry."

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "I need a smoke."

"You should quit that, you're gonna get sick."

"Whatever," Sasuke sighed and then he walked away. Naruto stayed where he was and watched until Sasuke had turned the corner and was out of sight; Sasuke could feel it. They met up again at the bus stop and waited as they always did, side by side and swallowed by the rest of the crowd.

Sasuke had realized that there were different things running through his mind now. He paid attention to things he usually ignored and he noticed things that he hadn't before. He found himself listening to what the girls around them said. They talked about guys, about parties they had been to and what they should wear for the next one. Some whispered about him, thinking he wouldn't hear; saying how gorgeous he was, how he must be the perfect boyfriend and how they hoped that rumor about him having a girlfriend was wrong.

For some reason, around the same time as he got together with Naruto, rumors started spreading that Sasuke had a girlfriend. They couldn't know, the ones having started those rumors; no one knew about Naruto. Unless it was stupid Gaara, Sasuke was sure Naruto had told him, but then it wouldn't matter anyway. It had to be Gaara or a coincidence, but Sasuke still wondered. Did he look different now? Did it show? That he was taken? Was he actually, really taken now? It was still hard to fully comprehend.

Sasuke noticed Naruto in a whole new way. He noticed when he moved and when he had been standing still too long; when he looked around, stretched his arms, tapped his toes on the asphalt, sighed, muttered nothings to himself, when he laughed. Sometimes when Naruto was talking to him, Sasuke got so lost in what the blond did that he didn't hear what he said; not until Naruto frowned and said 'hey?' did Sasuke snap out of his watching.

And it wasn't just on the inside. Sasuke hadn't thought about what the things that was happening with Naruto would do to life in school or life in general, but there were changes everywhere; small things and bigger things. They couldn't reach out for each other like they did when they were alone and had to watch what they said; they couldn't shower at the same time after PE. It was bigger than Sasuke had thought it would be, this dating thing.

So things were the same and they did the same things, but not exactly. They stood waiting for the bus as they should, but when it came and Sasuke walked to get on, Naruto dragged his fingers gently along the palm of Sasuke's hand and Sasuke closed his hand slightly to drag along the fingers, just for a moment. And when they were seated, Sasuke next to the window and Naruto beside him, under the cover of jackets their fingers touched and Sasuke knew, even though he looked out the window, that he was being watched.

That day when the bus slowed down and stopped by the grocery store, Naruto suddenly stood.

"Ah! Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed, and grabbing his things with one hand and Sasuke's hand with the other, he pulled them out into the aisle. "Come on, Sasuke!"

Sasuke barely had time to grab his bags, let alone scowl.

"What are you doing?" he growled, almost stumbling as they got down the stairs, his hand firmly held captive by Naruto's.

"I just remembered something," Naruto said as the small gathering of students having left the bus scattered and the doors closed with a hiss behind them. "I've thought about it, but then I've forgotten. Remembered again, forgotten again. I never thought I'd get the chance, but now I remember and we're almost there!"

Naruto was still walking, not letting Sasuke's hand go. Sasuke sighed, grabbed onto Naruto's hand and pulled them both to a quick stop. The blond yelped and almost lost his balance.

"Oww," he whined, and grabbed his shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" Sasuke glared. "Don't drag me. And tell me where we're going."

"It's not far," Naruto said, getting enthusiastic again. "Just behind those houses. You'll like it, I promise!"

He made a grab for Sasuke's hand but Sasuke held it out of reach.

"No," he narrowed his eyes. "Where are we going?"

Naruto sighed and threw his arms up in an overdramatic gesture.

"You are so unromantic! Don't surprises mean anything to you?"

"It's not like you planned anything," Sasuke said. "You said you just remembered."

"I have planned it! I just forgot!"

Sasuke sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked away, toward the store where they had gone shopping that day when Naruto decided to change things. The glass doors opened and out walked the mat shaking neighbor woman, carrying two grocery bags and glaring when she saw Sasuke.

"Fine," Sasuke muttered. "We'll go. But you're not dragging me."

"Fine, come on," Naruto muttered, crossed his arms over his chest and started marching. "And I wasn't dragging you, I was holding your hand."

He turned and spelled the rest out slowly with a scowl.

"Being romantic."

Sasuke sighed and followed. Was he fifteen or six? Sometimes Sasuke wondered. It turned out to be an interesting thought actually, Sasuke realized when Naruto stopped some minutes later in front of a playground and threw out his hands with a 'tadaa!'; turning and grinning toward Sasuke, bad mood apparently lost somewhere during the walk.

"We're here!"

It was a large sandpit boxed in with low, well-trimmed bushes; there were a couple of swings, a playground construction with a little house, ropes, nets, bars and a slide and table with benches for the parents on the side. Sasuke realized this was where he'd taken a nap that Thursday after school when Naruto went to Lee's contest and turned fifteen. He also realized that that was exactly three weeks ago.

"Aw, don't give me that look," Naruto said without losing the grin. This time Sasuke let him catch his hand when he reached for it and followed when he walked over the sand toward the construction in the middle. The hand around his was warm and Naruto wasn't dragging this time.

"What look?" Sasuke asked. "The 'why the hell are we here?' look?"

"Yeah!" Naruto laughed. "That one. I have good reasons."

"You do?"

"Yeah! You know, I used to play here when I was a kid, with Lee or Iruka or both. I loved the swings the most. Lee and I used to see who could go the highest and drove Iruka crazy."

For some reason Sasuke wasn't at all surprised.

They reached the child-adapted entrance to the playground house and Naruto crouched down in the sand, then without letting go of Sasuke's hand, he crawled inside. Sasuke did not follow.

"I am not going in there."

"Come on..." Naruto tugged at Sasuke's hand. "Just get in here."

Sasuke felt his cheeks warm because Naruto's voice had taken on **that** tone and it became suddenly very clear what the blond wanted to do in there. Sasuke crouched down and found Naruto sitting in the sand with his legs crossed. His eyes were glimmering and something in them told Sasuke getting in there might not be too bad at all.

"On a playground?" Sasuke raised a brow. "Where the five year olds play house?"

"Yeah," Naruto muttered, but at least he had the decency to blush.

"Is there even room to turn in there?"

"What, you wanna do gymnastics? There's enough room, come on already!"

Sasuke went with the pull on his hand this time and crawled half-way inside.

"What about the sand?"

"Come on!"

Naruto pulled him in the rest of the way and ended up with Sasuke mostly in his lap. Then they shifted, moved and struggled in this direction and that, for a long time; legs and arms and feet ended up outside, got stuck or awkwardly squeezed in somewhere.

When they were finally both inside the playground house and somewhat comfortable, Naruto was lying in the sand with the top of his head pressed to the wall, his legs bent at the knee and slightly spread so that his feet could push up against the sides of the opening. If Sasuke sat down he would land on Naruto's crotch, so he didn't. His knees and legs were pressed against the blond's sides and he was leaning over to watch the blue eyes. He had no idea how close the ceiling was but could have sworn he felt it tickle the ends of his hair.

So, Naruto was a space optimist. Go figure. Good to know. And he had a playground kink. Was that good to know? Had that been expected? Sasuke didn't have time to think about it because the blond laughed; a low, murmured laugh.

"See?"

"This doesn't count as enough room," Sasuke muttered.

"Come on. We're both in here, aren't we?"

"Barely."

"I like the smell of your hair," Naruto mumbled, blushing. "It's still wet."

"I didn't wash it," Sasuke said.

"I like the smell anyway."

Naruto wrapped his arms around Sasuke's neck and pulled his head down for a kiss with tongue and eager lips. The confined place made their breathing afterwards sound even louder.

"I miss this in school," Naruto breathed, his mouth having ended up close to Sasuke's ear. "I want to kiss you all the time."

His hands wandered from around Sasuke's neck; went to open his jacket and snuck inside, trailing along Sasuke's shirt and sending good shivers along the skin, between Sasuke's legs. Sasuke closed his eyes and breathed out raggedly against Naruto's neck. Lips found Sasuke's ear and started nibbling. Sasuke's hands gripped the sleeves of the colorful jacket as Naruto's hands slipped under the shirt and touched Sasuke's skin directly. Soon their faces shifted and they were kissing again.

Three weeks had passed and they had reached the serious touching under clothes above the waist stage. Finally. When Sasuke had been in the city partying it had taken three minutes or so to get there with his make out partners. There was something definitely different with this.

It was understandable, of course; Naruto had never done this before. To him it was new, it was scary and exciting and that showed. He hesitated sometimes with new things, took more time to get further and paid attention to things an experienced guy wouldn't even notice. It was clearly also frustrating to him that Sasuke had been there so many times before and knew what they were doing. They never talked about it, but it was obvious. Naruto would have preferred a make out virgin.

What was not nearly as understandable, and probably not nearly as obvious to Naruto as Naruto's inexperience was to Sasuke, was Sasuke's nerves. Despite having done and had done to him these same things countless of times, Sasuke was nervous. He liked what they were doing, definitely, just like Naruto did, but his stomach swirled way too much for simple touching under his shirt.

Sasuke told himself it was just because Naruto was moving in a pace that Sasuke wasn't used to. Sasuke knew what was coming, but never when because Naruto took longer to get there; expectations were built up, Sasuke had time to think about things so that once Naruto arrived he was all nervous and overreacting.

Sometimes Sasuke mentally cursed the blond for making him overreact and wished he could just get it over with or at least hurry up. More often though, strangely, Sasuke was happy for the change. This was different from all those party make out sessions and shouldn't feel the same.

He couldn't escape however that there was something else that contributed to his nervousness, and that was the things he hadn't done yet; the stuff he knew nothing about. While Sasuke had much experience at making out, he hadn't really gone much further than that. He didn't really know why. He was sure that a lot of the guys he'd made out with had gone further before and wouldn't have minded going further with him, but... It wasn't like he had any stupid, sentimental 'want the first time to be special' notions, he'd just... He just hadn't felt like it. It had felt like crossing a line that shouldn't be there but was there anyway and he hadn't wanted to. He had always lost the interest and left if the make out partners asked him to join them in some more secluded part of the party.

Him and Neji had planned to do it, to go further, at the end of their relationship experiment week. 'Why not?' they had said and decided. Neji was a year older than Sasuke but they were at the same experience level; it had felt like a good idea. It hadn't been planned as the end of the experiment, but that was how it had turned out.

It hadn't worked at all. They had planned to go all the way, as in all, **all** the way, but at the end of foreplay they'd just been sitting horribly embarrassed, horribly inexperienced, horribly naked and unable to look at each other. They had settled for almost some of the way and jerked each other off, a first that too, albeit a smaller one; then they had gone to rent a movie and called off their relationship experiment.

But this with Naruto was not an experiment, it was not something Sasuke could just call off; or, well, he could, but he didn't want to. And that meant that eventually they would start to go further, beyond 'above the waist', beyond jerking each other off too, and there was only one place they could end up. All-the-way sex.

It felt like experience was a railroad and Sasuke stood waiting many stations ahead of Naruto. Naruto was on the train and it was slow, but steadily moving. Sasuke was waiting for it.

But he had this scary feeling that what if when the train came, he didn't want to get on it. Naruto would be standing by the doors when they opened and hold out his hand and grin and yell at Sasuke to get on already so they could occupy one of the toilets and go further. Could Sasuke just say he didn't want to? What would his pride say about that? And if his pride let him say it, would Naruto get off the train and wait with Sasuke for the next one? What if Sasuke didn't want to get on that one either? Would Naruto eventually tire and get on the train alone?

Sasuke wondered how much Naruto thought about sex and going further. He thought about it, of course, he was a teenager, it came with the age. But there was a difference between just thinking about it and thinking about actually doing it. Did Naruto think about actually doing it? Did he think 'should we do it?' or 'when should we do it?'

No. Come on! It had taken the guy three weeks to get under Sasuke's shirt, it would be Christmas before Naruto's hands was in Sasuke's underwear. Right?

Naruto chose that moment to run his thumbs over Sasuke's nipples and Sasuke inhaled and opened his eyes. Turning his head Sasuke saw the corners of the play house and the slices of world between wall and actual corner. It was much darker in here than on the outside and sand stuck to the walls.

"They're getting hard," Naruto breathed, his thumbs still circling and rubbing against the nipples that had indeed hardened.

"Yeah," Sasuke closed his eyes again and swallowed. "Just like last time."

Naruto's mouth was so close to Sasuke's ear that he could hear the smile.

"It's so cool."

Sasuke's nipples were Naruto's newest discovery. When he found new things he could work with while making out, Naruto seemed to want to pay a lot of attention to those things. Maybe it was natural, but to Sasuke it was bordering on weird really. He hadn't thought about details like that before and Naruto's fascination seemed a bit over-... something. He touched and tasted with fingers and mouth, studied and experimented and did things that Sasuke or anyone else besides Naruto could never have thought of. There was definitely a very curious and creative six year old somewhere in his brain.

Sasuke wasn't really complaining, the exploration felt good; but sometimes it felt too good and Sasuke got lost in Naruto's unusual, creative and unpredictable ministrations mingling with his own overreaction. This was one of the "problems" with Naruto's creative ministrations; Sasuke got so caught up in experiencing them that he forgot about giving some back for Naruto to experience. They could go through an entire make out session and Sasuke would realize at the end that he'd basically just been there, kissing back when he was kissed and squeezing Naruto's shirt sleeves but not much more than that. It was like Naruto was making out with a make out virgin, only he wasn't!

"It's completely normal," Sasuke said but the last word melted into a whine as Naruto pinched. "Don't overdo it."

Naruto snickered.

"I never overdo it. Come on, don't you think it's cool?"

Sasuke had planned to act then while the exchange of words was fresh and had him back with his senses somewhat; before the blond could pull him under again. He wanted to act instead of react and take back some of the initiative. He would sit up, press the considerable hardness between his legs against Naruto's crotch while looking the blond in the eyes with the most teasing, initiative-taking look he could think of and say something incredibly cheesy and porn movie-ish like 'I like when this gets hard better'. Sasuke wouldn't be able to think about it for weeks without groaning in embarrassment, but Naruto would fall like a sawed-through tree and lose his momentum and that was almost all that mattered. Victory.

Only Sasuke had forgotten where he was and why he couldn't do anything about his legs cramping, so his brave move was painfully interrupted as he shifted up and banged his head hard on the ceiling. He grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut but it did nothing to get rid of the stars.

"Ooh..." Naruto's voice was a mix of worry, amusement and fear. "Are you okay?"

"Fuck!" Sasuke hissed. He felt Naruto shift beneath him and hands come up to hold his head. He tried to slap them away. "This was a fucking moronic idea."

"Sorry," Naruto said softly, his lips finding their way to Sasuke's forehead. "I should have been on top."

"It's fine," Sasuke snarled. "Fuck..."

"Does it hurt a lot?"

"I'm fine," Sasuke grumbled. A few more kisses were pressed to his forehead, then he opened his eyes and Naruto's came into view and they sparkled with concern.

"I can be on top," he offered. Then, before Sasuke could protest and with some magical assistance surely, he flipped them both around, setting Sasuke with his back against the sand. There shouldn't be enough room for that, Sasuke vaguely noted, but didn't think much more about it because Naruto pressed their lips together again.

Sasuke's legs were spread and Naruto was on his knees between them. He had adopted Sasuke's idea about crotch contact, hardness pressing breathstealingly against hardness.

"I'll make it better," the blond said when their mouths parted, the words breathed against Sasuke's wet lips.

And so Sasuke was whisked off again; by lips and tongue and hands with fingers and a pressing hard-on against his own. There wasn't a trace of hesitation in Naruto's kisses these days, he saved that for the new stuff. The stuff he had already practiced on he did with so much passion and self-confidence that you might think he'd been doing it for years.

Sasuke felt. He felt his skin sticky with sweat, despite the chill in the air and the cold sand pressing against his back, bare when Naruto pushed up his shirt to make touching the skin easier. Sasuke felt the sand make its way into his clothes. He felt Naruto on his skin. His fingers and palms and nails and tongue and lips and they made trails, painted tracks and placed marks; in his hair, on his scalp, over his ears, on his neck, around his nipples, tickling his stomach.

Naruto's fingers intertwined with Sasuke's and reminded him that they were doing nothing. Sasuke's fingers and hands were doing nothing, just twitching as he inhaled sharply, whined, moaned or tensed his muscles.

He had this small voice whispering in the back of his head, telling him to do something. 'You're not doing anything!' it complained but every time Sasuke had decided to listen to it and do something, Naruto came up with some other creative move that blew his decision away. He made sounds, that was what he did. He made sounds and tensed and relaxed, closed his eyes and opened them, and wished he had more experience with creative and unconventional make out partners. He felt like a virgin at this. He acted like a virgin at this. That little voice told Sasuke that he was a push-over and he agreed. But there was no time for acting; he barely had time to react.

Sasuke's hard-on was throbbing. The pleasure was literally painful. Screw waiting until Christmas, if Naruto didn't shove his hand down Sasuke's pants soon Sasuke would do it for him. Eventually that need would outgrow Naruto's ability to turn Sasuke into a puddle of reacting goo. But wasn't that blond a mystery? He was just as hard as Sasuke and still taking his time with nipples. Sasuke had heard guys brag about their stamina but this was ridiculous.

When the kids showed up Sasuke wanted to scream. At least at first. Then his sense of decency and privacy pulled him away from both arousal and reacting and he pulled Naruto's mouth away from his collarbone.

"What?" the blond panted, annoyed, face flushed and forehead shining with sweat. Sasuke put a hand over his mouth, glared and tried to get his point across by pointing with his head. Naruto seemed to get it, looking in the direction of the street.

"Maybe they're going somewhere else?" he whispered after having taken Sasuke's hand off his mouth. "The store is over there, they could be…"

But they weren't. The loud voices and laughter turned the wrong way and became louder. Soon the swings started creaking. Naruto groaned and let his head fall down on Sasuke's chest. Even though he had wanted to be touched by Naruto or himself (or anyone really) so badly that it hurt only moments earlier, Sasuke found his arms wrapping around the blond mop of hair instead of screaming. Both of them were panting hard, their chests heaved. Sasuke found that the ceiling had been painted with sand as well. Stupid kids. Didn't they have rooms and toys? A life?

But Sasuke's arms were gentle around Naruto's head and his hands were soft, sliding fingers through the hair and fingering the ends. His legs were still spread, Naruto rested between them and they were both still hard. It would be some time before they could leave if they wanted to do so without embarrassing themselves. Maybe the kids would go first.

"You know?" Naruto whispered. "When we were kids, Lee and I made this bet about who would get to make out in here first. We were really small, so I don't think we even knew what it meant, making out, but we bet. Lee forgot about it though, and ever since he started going out with Gaara I've been hoping he wouldn't remember it again."

"That's why you dragged me here?" Sasuke whispered. "To win a bet?"

Naruto raised himself up on his arms and looked down at Sasuke.

"No. I dragged you here because I wanted to make out with you. I remembered the bet and it felt like a good excuse."

He grinned.

"I told you. I want to kiss you all the time."

Sasuke huffed and pressed Naruto down again, pressing his head back against Sasuke's skin.

"So what have you won?" he grumbled.

Sasuke could feel Naruto's smile on his stomach.

"I have no idea."

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	27. Thursday afternoon ass kicking

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 30th 2006, Friday  
second version: September 12th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**27: Thursday afternoon ass kicking**

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Was it normal to be confused, frustrated and perfectly okay at the same time? And on top of that feel like feeling that was fine and natural? Was it normal to feel comfortable and at ease with weird emotions? Sasuke didn't know, as he walked down the street with Naruto on his left side and the road on his right. They had gotten out of the play house, eventually, scaring the hell out of the cheerfully playing kids in the process. One of them, a boy, had fallen off his swing. Naruto had yelled apologies while hurriedly walking away, while Sasuke had just hurriedly walked away.

It wasn't like they weren't allowed in the playground, so why should they apologize? They were kids. Sort of. Fifteen-year-olds could play in the playground. And while Sasuke didn't think the manufacturers had planned for that exact usage when they fashioned the playground construction, they must have known that kids were creative. Kids played with their toys in ways their toys should not be played with. Everyone knew that, it was practically a law of Nature.

But Naruto had apologized. Now he was acting like their playground stunt had never happened, humming cheerfully and smiling at Sasuke when their eyes met; like they hadn't just been stuffed together in a play house made for five year olds, lips against lips, hands against skin and crotch in need against crotch in need. Had he been faking that hard-on he'd been pushing against Sasuke to make Sasuke feel better about liking their making out so much? How could he just switch the need on and off like that? Sasuke was so frustrated he found it difficult to focus on anything else.

And hey, when was Naruto going to get stripped? Why was Sasuke always the one that got his clothes pushed aside? Sasuke sighed. How come a small town blond guy was so difficult to figure out? Maybe he wasn't a retard at all, just a nutcase. Then no wonder they made a nice couple. Were they a nice couple? Was it normal to be unable to stop thinking about things that really didn't matter?

"Hey, looks like Kakashi-san's home," Naruto said and pointed, Sasuke frowned and looked. Naruto was right. Kakashi's car was parked on the driveway. Both Sasuke and Naruto stopped, at the same time.

"He shouldn't be home," Sasuke said, still frowning but glad that a new and better confusing thing could distract him from the old confusing thoughts, emotions and questions racing through his head.

"Does that mean you won't come over?"

Part of Sasuke wanted to say 'no, I'm coming', even though he knew Naruto was just going to tease him and not even think about moving below the waist no matter how much Sasuke wanted it. And hadn't Sasuke been anxious about that before? Going further? Now it felt like the most important thing in the world. 'Why don't I just make him?' Sasuke's mind asked. 'I have hands, right? I can undress myself, I don't need his permission.'

"I should go home," Sasuke said, concentrating on looking at the house so that his eyes would not stray, though he didn't know why he didn't want them to. "See if something's up, I… I could stop by later. If you want."

He looked anyway; glanced Naruto's way and caught a glimpse of Naruto's eyes and his smile.

"Yeah! I want that. Iruka's got a meeting, so he'll be home late."

Sasuke gave a smile too, but he was certain his was smaller.

"Alright."

Was it normal to always come back to the same things? No matter what door you pick, no matter what road you start running on, was it normal to always end up there? Here. With them together and what they did.

Had there ever been a year without Christmas?

'_Maybe I am just a hormonal teenager.'_

-

Kakashi came out of the kitchen when Sasuke opened the front door, so fast that he must have been waiting for him.

"Sasuke!" the man shouted, looking like Sasuke had been gone for years and just suddenly come back. "Where have you been?"

Kakashi didn't seem worried, like someone they knew had been hurt, just frustrated and in a hurry. Sasuke stared for a moment to annoy him and wondered how he had managed to get away from work. Maybe they had some sort of event day today at his school?

"At school?" Sasuke raised his brows, then sighed and came in; closed the door behind him.

"The bus came hours ago!"

"It can't have been hours," Sasuke said, dropped his bag on the floor and began to peel off his shoes with his toes. "I was walking. Why do you care? And why are you home?"

"Don't take your shoes off!" Kakashi hopped into his own shoes, snatched Sasuke's bag off the floor and ripped open the door. "We're leaving. We're already late, shit."

"You like being late," Sasuke said, frowning and confused. "Where are we going?"

The only reason Sasuke let himself be dragged out of the house and into the car was because he was confused, stunned, and because the situation was strangely interesting. Usually Sasuke didn't like being stunned and confused; he didn't like when normal situations like coming home from school turned weird on him last minute, but this time it was fine. It was distracting and therefore fine.

Kakashi slammed the door on Sasuke's side and nearly jumped over the car to get to the driver's seat. Sasuke fastened his seatbelt as his foster father turned the keys and practically threw the car out the driveway with the gas.

"Why aren't you at work?" Sasuke asked. "And I'm going to pretend I didn't ask before and ask you again, where are we going?"

"To school. I got off early."

"School? What school? My school? What have I done?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that. It's not your school. It's… You have to save our honor."

"Excuse me?"

"Our honor! We're a family, right? We have a family honor. You have to save it."

"I didn't know you got it in trouble," Sasuke muttered and looked out the window. Houses were flashing by, along with trees and yards and people out walking.

"Maybe save is a bad word," Kakashi said thoughtfully.

Then it was quiet for a moment. Kakashi drove and Sasuke looked out the window.

"You seem to be in a good mood," the man said eventually.

"You're speeding," Sasuke said and glanced over. Kakashi grinned.

"Not enough for them to take my license. Did Naruto do something good?"

"Mind your own business," Sasuke snarled, trying to ignore his warming cheeks. "What did you need me to do?"

You couldn't actually see on someone what they had been doing right? Besides hickies if you'd been kissed. Kakashi hadn't seen anything, he'd just made a guess that he knew was embarrassing because he liked seeing Sasuke embarrassed. Sasuke shifted his legs.

"There's this guy that you need to fight," Kakashi said and got more slightly serious. "And beat."

"Fight?"

"Yeah!"

"What guy?" Sasuke frowned.

"Oh, just the kid of a colleague of mine."

"What kind of fight? You know I haven't trained in months."

"Come now, you don't forget things like that. It's like riding a bike."

For some reason getting to fight someone seemed like good news. Not that Sasuke was a sadist and liked beating guys in fights; well, he did, but not because he liked hurting them. At least most of the times. He just liked fighting.

Sasuke hadn't fought someone in ages; at least it felt like it. Naruto didn't count, no, Sasuke meant a real fight. A fight that took time, took all your energy, left your muscles aching and completely spent and your head clear and nicely empty. He even liked hurting afterwards. Maybe he was a masochist more than a sadist.

Sasuke had done a lot of fighting when he was younger and more ambitious. Kakashi had trained him, Orochimaru had trained him (the man was not just a music store owner). He had fought in both controlled environments and on the streets, for practice and for real. He'd been good, really good.

Maybe a fight was just what Sasuke needed now, to blow off some steam. Get his mind off Naruto combined with the inside of his pants.

"So how good is this kid?"

"I haven't met him," Kakashi said. "But he's good, according to Gai. I suppose we'll see."

He looked at Sasuke and grinned; Sasuke shook his head and smiled. His fighting nerves were starting to hum; not knowing whether you'd win or get your ass kicked always presented a thrill. Yeah. This might be just what he needed. The name seemed familiar though, Gai. Where had he heard that before?

-

'No,' Sasuke's mind said, the very moment the guy showed up. 'No, no, no.' He tried to get his voice to pick up on it, to take the hint. He also tried to get his body to move away from the scene, toward the doors preferably. But it didn't work, not the former and not the latter.

Kakashi looked bored, but Sasuke knew it was just his image, covered-up confidence. The Gai guy was confident as well, but he definitely didn't try to hide it.

They looked quite alike actually, father and son. But the son didn't just look confident. There was a lot of focus in those… big eyes. What was Gaara of the Sand thinking!? This wasn't a cooler version of the dorky kid in the pictures in Iruka's kitchen. This was an even dorkier version! Bigger and more muscled, definitely not a kid anymore, but still a dorkier version. But there was no doubt in Sasuke's mind. There could be no one else looking like that, and he remembered now where he'd heard Gai's name before, when Naruto talked about his birthday party; 'Lee and Gai were there', he had said. So this would have to be Lee. Lee, Naruto's friend; Lee, Gaara's boyfriend. Who still cut their hair like that?

When it noticed that the 'no's weren't working, Sasuke's mind tried to reason. 'Do you really want to get your teeth knocked out and your nose broken?' Or at least, half of his mind tried to reason. The other half of it was more 'yeah, this will do me good. The worse the better. Bring it on. And who knows, maybe I can do it.'

But did he want to? Would Gaara be pissed if Sasuke beat up his boyfriend? No, the logical part of Sasuke's brain knew that he probably couldn't beat Lee. Yeah, Sasuke knew he could fight, but Lee had to be better. If even half of everything that Naruto had said about his friend had at least some grain of truth to it, Lee was better. Though it hurt to admit it, with the way the guy looked. Then what would Naruto say about his friend beating up his boyfriend? Did Lee know he would be beating up Naruto's boyfriend? Did he even know what Sasuke looked like? Naruto must have said at least something about him, right? Gaara hadn't been uninformed.

Sasuke had changed into his gym clothes again, because that was the best he had; he had stretched and warmed up. Kakashi had thrown him some gear for protection when they arrived; yeah, the thing was planned alright. Lee wore some sort of green pajamas thing under his protection, which looked much like what Gai was wearing. The fight would be embarrassing, yes.

They kept to separate sides of the hall while getting ready and met on the middle when it was time, Gai facing Kakashi and Lee facing Sasuke, each with his own expression on; from enthusiastic to bored to focused to 'just get this over with already'.

"This will be interesting, Kakashi. We may be equal in strength, but how about our children? Which one is the stronger?"

"Huh?" Kakashi frowned and looked confused. "Oh, he just needs some workout. Don't you, Sasuke?"

Sasuke wanted to roll his eyes and groan as the Gai guy reacted loudly to the teasing, but refrained and met Lee's focused gaze instead. He wondered if you got used to those eyes over time, and how long it took. But something had seemed to catch up with Lee and that focused gaze was invaded by confusion.

"Sasuke-kun?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Forgive me, but would you by any chance be… Naruto's Sasuke-kun?"

This time Sasuke did roll his eyes. 'Here we go...'

"I know him, if that's what you mean," Sasuke sighed and muttered. Lee was suddenly smiling, and for some reason he didn't look as weird when he did.

"I've been looking forward to meeting you!" the guy exclaimed and grabbed Sasuke's shoulder. "Naruto has told me so much about you."

"Really?" Sasuke wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Yes! But don't worry, it's mostly good things."

'Hopefully no embarrassing good things', Sasuke's mind muttered.

"Right," Sasuke said, then he looked at the "adults" that had gone quiet.

"Do you know each other?" Kakashi frowned.

Sasuke sighed again, but Lee kept smiling, extending his hand.

"I'm Lee. A friend of Naruto's. Pleased to meet you!"

"Ah, um… Sure." Kakashi didn't seem sure of whether he should keep playing bored and cool or act like a normal person, but grabbed the hand and shook it nonetheless.

"You're a friend of Naruto's?" the Gai guy asked Sasuke and Sasuke wanted this over with.

"Yeah. Kind of."

"What a coincidence!" Gai exclaimed and shook Sasuke's hand even though Sasuke hadn't held it out. "My rival's son is a friend of my son's friend! Why didn't you tell me, Kakashi?"

"I suppose it…" Kakashi had gotten his bored face back in place and frowned. "Slipped my mind."

Either the Gai guy was stupid or he liked getting himself riled up.

"I could never let something like that just slip my mind!"

Sasuke closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. It was amazing that he wasn't screaming in frustration yet. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Lee and he was still smiling, though it had faded somewhat. He seemed to sense that Sasuke didn't want to be there.

"I really have been looking forward to meeting you," Lee said, his voice lower this time; more normal talk than enthusiastic exclamations. Sasuke wondered if people saw similarities between him and Kakashi too; not that they were really related, as these two had to be, but still.

"Yeah," Sasuke cleared his throat. "Me too."

"Naruto never told me you were fighting," Lee said. "I mean, I know you were fighting in school, but..."

"He never told you because I never told him", Sasuke said.

"Oh! I see, well then," Lee smiled. "Do you want to go now?"

The fight was still on it seemed; even though Sasuke was Naruto's friend (did Lee know about the boyfriend part?). Fortunately. Sasuke didn't want to be robbed of his frustration relieving ass kicking.

"Yeah," Sasuke said and took a few steps back. Tried out his muscles. "Definitely. Let's go."

Win or lose, knocked out teeth or not, Sasuke needed this. He wanted to do it and he wanted it over with. He glared at Kakashi and Gai, the men for some reason still bickering, in their own way, about what in the end was nothing but some stupid pride thing.

"Move," he said, meaning business, then turning back to Lee. The guy had gotten his focused eyes back and assumed a cocky 'come and get me' pose and Sasuke did the same, but differently. They didn't even check to see if Kakashi and Gai had gotten out of the way.

-

It didn't take much time but Sasuke got what he wanted. His energy was gone, his muscles and his body were aching and his head was clear and nicely empty. He felt like after a brain shutdown, only with more aching.

"How's it going?" Lee asked and his worried face came into view once again.

"I'm fine," Sasuke said, though it sounded muffled and odd with the towel pressed against his nose. Nothing was broken, but it hurt when he touched it and was bleeding. Sasuke was staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the taste of blood in his mouth and feel of it in his throat. At least it wasn't that bad anymore.

He had another trickle of blood running down his arm, from his shoulder, and a third down his leg from his knee, but they were both small enough that the bleeding had stopped on its own. Most of the blows he'd caught had just been bruising. Sasuke was glad that PE was so far away, but at the same time sure that the bruises would still be there a week from now.

Would Naruto get angry? At him or at Lee? Was he waiting for Sasuke to come over? What was he doing?

"You shouldn't do that, you know," Lee said.

"What?"

"Sit with your head back like that. You'll swallow the blood."

"Already did," Sasuke said, lifted the towel carefully and sniffed softly. "I'm fine."

Lee smiled softly. They were in the locker room, had left the grown-up kids outside.

"You're good," Lee said. "Very good. And you catch on really quickly, almost like you're learning while you're fighting, a lot more than you should have time to. I'd say you could beat most guys on my team."

"I'm not interested," Sasuke said.

"What do you mean?"

"Joining the team. I'm not interested."

Lee looked both confused and surprised for a moment, then his face broke into a grin. He had a bruise beginning to form on the right side of his face.

"You really reminded me of Gaara just then," he said. "He can read minds too."

"You two are dating?" Sasuke asked casually, not wanting to pretend it was a big deal.

"Yes," Lee said and smiled. "We've been together for almost two years now. Is it almost a month for you and Naruto?"

He asked like it wasn't a big deal either. Sasuke's stomach swirled as he realized this was the first time someone he didn't really know had asked about him and Naruto, and surprised by how different it felt and sounded when there was no teasing or overly curious or concerned tone behind the question.

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "Next week."

"He's really happy that he met you," Lee said and the words struck something in Sasuke that both warmed and chilled. He didn't know if he should feel happy or scared.

"How long have you known him?" Sasuke asked.

"Since he was in first grade. He challenged me to a fight and I beat him."

Sasuke couldn't help but snort and smile, tension that he didn't know when it had built up releasing. His nose started bleeding again.

"Shit," he said before he had to press the towel back over his nose. The ceiling was a dirty cream covered with small dots in various shades of green that looked like they were splattered in place with a paint brush. Really ugly. He could hear Lee smile.

"That's ironic," Sasuke said musingly, sounding stupid because of the towel.

"Yeah," Lee agreed. "But it was nice meeting you. It was a good fight."

Sasuke had to agree.

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	28. The princess thing

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 7th 2006, Friday  
second version: September 16th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**28: The princess thing**

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Naruto was sitting on his bed, arms crossed over his chest, forehead wrinkled in a deep frown and eyes squeezed close, thinking about whether or not he should clean his room properly for once.

He shouldn't have to. The room wasn't that messy. Sasuke only complained when he had to kick stuff out of the way before he walked in or before he sat or lay down, or if something managed to hide somewhere and hurt him, and it wasn't that messy now. Besides, it was Naruto's room and not supposed to be all cleaned up. Didn't they mostly stay on the bed anyway? At that, Naruto's face went from determined and thinking to grinning. Yes, keeping the bed clean was the most important thing.

Though, it might be a surprise. It might be a good idea to show Sasuke that Naruto could be tidy when he wanted to. Naruto had seen a show on TV once, where wives were complaining about their messy husbands, who never cleaned or cooked or did anything. Now, Naruto wasn't a half-bad cook, so that wouldn't be a problem; but it wouldn't be bad if he could earn a few more points by letting Sasuke know that he could clean up as well, and not just the dishes. After all, Sasuke kept his room very clean, practically boring… Yes, it was boring! The only fun things in Sasuke's room were Sasuke and his CD-bookcase; the CD-bookcase was cool.

Yeah… maybe Naruto should clean up the room some. At least take the dirty laundry to the bathroom. And throw away that half-eaten slice of microwave pizza from yesterday; yes, throwing away food was bad, but he probably wouldn't finish it anyway. And maybe he could... Naruto grabbed his comforter and sniffed… change the bedding. Simple stuff like that, nothing too fancy. If he stopped thinking about it and just did it, he might have time to finish before Sasuke came over. It would be a nice surprise.

Naruto had almost made up his mind when the door to his room opened. He flinched in surprise and looked up with 'you didn't even give me time to make up my mind!' running through his head, because it had to be Sasuke. Iruka wouldn't be home yet and who else could it be?

It was Gaara. He stopped in the middle of the room and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Hello."

"Gaara?" Naruto frowned. "What are you doing here?"

Gaara was frowning too, but it was his everyday frown, he wore it often. He stared at Naruto for a moment, a short moment, then Naruto remembered and jumped off the bed.

"You can't be here!" he yelled. "Why are you here!?"

"Lee dumped me," Gaara said seriously.

"Huh?" It was a whine really, because Naruto felt desperate to get Gaara out and he knew Lee would never dump him.

"It's a joke," Gaara said, as if Naruto needed the information, and looked out the window. "But he's away somewhere. The house was empty when I got there."

"You can't be here now! Sasuke's coming over!"

And Naruto didn't want Gaara to still be here when he came; it would set the wrong mood entirely. Gaara would say something stupid and Sasuke would get pissed and lose his interest in kissing and Naruto would have to waste time getting the interest back again.

"So?" Gaara frowned.

"He… He's coming over! We're… Iruka's not home yet, so we… You know!"

Now Gaara was just staring.

"We want some privacy!" Naruto shouted and threw his arms out.

"I can be here."

"No! No. Definitely not."

"Why not? You're with me and Lee all the time."

"That… That's not the same thing! We're friends! Sasuke is… He's sort of… well, shy."

"He's shy?"

"Yeah! He doesn't like people being around when we... you know..."

Gaara's frown melted away and his lips molded into a smirk.

"When you do what? How far have you two gotten now? It's been almost a month since you jumped him."

"Why do you keep asking that?" Naruto muttered and his face got warm again. "I didn't jump him first of all! And, well... We kiss. And... stuff. I don't know."

"You must have gotten into his pants."

"Wha…? No!"

Gaara frowned.

"Why not?"

"Because! He… These things take time."

"Not necessarily," Gaara said and the smile he had on and the glint in his eyes said the rest.

"Stop that! You guys are an exception. Sasuke and me are… Sasuke is…"

"A princess?"

"He's special," Naruto glared. "I don't want to screw anything up."

Before Gaara could open his mouth Naruto pointed at him.

"And don't say anything like what I know you're going to say! Not everything has to be a dirty word!"

Gaara raised his brows and smiled. Naruto threw his arms out and sighed.

"I just don't want to... scare him, or hurt him or move too fast. He is special. He's like… so special."

He looked out the window: Blue sky; clouds that were so thin they were almost not there at all.

"Lee tried to pull that on me when we first got together," Gaara said and the sudden seriousness in his voice drove Naruto to look back at him. "The princess thing. Not that I let him, but he tried."

"What princess thing?"

"He was afraid to touch me. He held himself back. He didn't want to dirty me. He saw me as this perfect and pure being. Can you imagine? Me?"

Gaara snorted in amusement but his eyes weren't smiling.

"Now as I said, I snapped Lee out of it pretty quickly; but Sasuke doesn't do that with you, does he? He's, as you put it, shy; or he's scared, or inexperienced."

"He's not inexperienced," Naruto snorted before he could stop himself. "He has a lot of experience; I'm the one who's inexperienced."

"Another reason for you to be insecure and justify holding yourself back. How will you compete with all that experience?"

"We're practicing," Naruto grumbled, embarrassed. "I'm not insecure, I'm just..."

"I know you, Naruto," Gaara said. "This is not your style. If you had been yourself today I would have walked in on something R-rated when I came here."

Naruto opened his mouth to say 'you wouldn't have!' or 'but it's Sasuke!' or 'but he's so special!', but then he realized and had to close his mouth again. It rang true, what Gaara said. This wasn't him. He had felt there was something there, something slowing him down, but he hadn't known what it was, or even really known that it was really there. Gaara was right, this wasn't his style, not how he usually handled things. His stomach swirled at the thought.

"Of course he's special," Gaara continued as if he'd heard Naruto's unspoken words. "But he's still a fifteen year old guy with hormones."

Naruto chuckled at that, grasping at anything that could lighten the mood.

"Yeah, he does have hormones."

"And you have hormones."

"Yeah..." Naruto nodded, then he realized something else. "Shit! You have to go; he'll be over any minute!

"No, he won't."

"Yes, he will! Come on!"

"Sasuke left with his dad in a car when I got here."

"What? No, he said he would come over and…"

Naruto went over to the window. Sasuke's house was dark and the car was gone.

"Aww..." Naruto groaned and sat down on the floor. "I've been dumped too."

"Maybe Gai and Sasuke's father have arranged an arranged marriage between their children."

"What?" Naruto said. "That's ridiculous! Don't say that!"

"They do work together."

"They do? Are you sure Sasuke was in the car?"

"Yes," Gaara said wistfully. "He looked excited. His father must have told him stories about how good his new husband is in bed. Don't you wish you had pleasured him sooner?"

"Stop talking!" Naruto yelled. "He's not gonna marry anyone but me! And I pleasure him! If you knew how much I pleasure him..."

"You could tell me," Gaara sounded evilly hopeful.

"No!" Naruto blushed as he realized what he'd said. Then he sighed; Gaara could be so frustrating. "You shouldn't talk about Lee that way either. He wouldn't leave you."

"Oh, I don't know," Gaara shook his head. "Sasuke is beautiful, and with all that experience..."

"He's mine," Naruto growled and glared at Gaara with very narrow, angry and hopefully fearsome eyes. Gaara stared back and seemed entirely unaffected.

-

A while later, they went downstairs and made pancakes. Naruto had wanted cup noodles, but Gaara had made pancakes. Naruto had been literally chased away from the stove and ordered to stay out of the cooking zone. Yes, sometimes Gaara was very frustrating. But he was the guest and there was nothing wrong with pancakes really.

Sitting at the table, piece of pancake dripping with whipped cream and strawberry jam halfway to his mouth, Naruto remembered something very important. So important, in fact, that he had to lower the piece of pancake to his plate again as the sly grin wandered to claim his lips.

"Guess what we did on the way here?" he said and Gaara looked at him, chewing his pancake slowly before swallowing it down with a mouthful of milk.

"I'm guessing you made out."

"How did you know?" Naruto exclaimed, then he pouted. Then he remembered that wasn't the interesting part and the grin came back. He shrugged. "Oh, well, you're smart. You know a lot of things you shouldn't know. But! You don't know where we did it, do you?"

Gaara chewed some more; slowly, like he wasn't in a hurry to admit he didn't know everything. For some strange reason it made Naruto feel stupid. Gaara had some more milk.

"No," he said, like it didn't bother him at all. "Where did you do it?"

Naruto's grin grew wider and he leaned over the table.

"You know that playground we went to last New Year's after the fireworks?"

They had all celebrated New Year's together, Gaara and his siblings, Lee and Gai and Iruka and Naruto. Iruka and Kankuro had made dinner and Gai had put on the biggest, loudest and most colorful show of fireworks the street had ever seen. It had been lots and lots of fun and Naruto wanted to do it again this year; with a couple of guests added, of course.

After Gai's fireworks Naruto, Lee and Gaara had gone out in the snow to check out the exploding colors, whistling and booming of the other shows of fireworks. They hadn't been as impressive as Gai's, but it had still been very nice. They had wandered aimlessly for a while, ended up at the playground and stayed there. There had been lots of snow that New Year's and cold, clouds puffing from their mouths as they breathed.

'I wish next year's New Year's will be even more fun!' Naruto had wished for his New Year's wish, and now he was sure it would be. He had felt a bit jealous seeing Lee and Gaara kiss under the fireworks and wondered when he'd find someone to greet the new year together with. Now he had.

"I remember," Gaara said.

"Well, that's where we did it," Naruto said proudly and leaned back in his chair. Put his arms behind his head. "In the house."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah."

Gaara smiled a small smile; a small, kind of dirty smile actually; and his mind seemed to wander.

"That's so funny," he said. "We've done it there too."

"What!?" Naruto shouted and sat up in the chair. "You have?"

"Yeah, a few months back. We were out walking and couldn't stop ourselves. Or rather I couldn't stop myself, it took some convincing before Lee agreed. I think we "did" a bit more than you two though, I had sand in my ass for ages after that."

"You… You guys did… Eww! I didn't know that! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Lee tell me!?"

"Oh, yeah…" Gaara seemed to think. "There was some sort of bet, wasn't it? When you were kids? Lee thought you'd forgotten about it and didn't want to remind you. Because, you'd lost. I thought you should know, but you know how he is sometimes."

"Aww…" Naruto pouted, because pouting felt better than anger now. "And eww… You guys did **that** in there? I didn't want to know that. What did we bet anyway?"

"I've no idea," Gaara said. "He never told me and I never asked."

Gaara got that 'mind is wandering' look on his face again and Naruto made a face.

"Eww…."

-

Some half an hour after the pancakes, right in the middle of a really important boss fight on Zombie Vengeance 2, Iruka called. He sounded tired and there were voices and sounds that Naruto couldn't really identify in the background.

"Hi, Naruto," Iruka said. "I'm sorry, but there's been some trouble at work and I don't think I'll be able to come home until late tonight. I've called Kakashi-san, he said he's on his way home and will be there soon. You can stay at his place until I get back. Okay?"

"Okay," Naruto glanced over his shoulder, to the screen where Gaara skillfully maneuvered the main character around the Zombie Lord on the screen. "But Gaara's here."

"Oh. Well, I'm… Hang on a second," Iruka put something over the phone, probably his hand, and Naruto could barely make out his voice as he spoke to someone. Then he was back. "Sorry. I'm sure it's fine if Gaara comes too."

"Alright."

"Just behave, alright?"

"Yeah," Naruto's eyes drifted back to what Gaara was doing. He really was good with a hand control, but that boss wasn't easy.

"And I want you to start the washing machine and hang up the clothes when it's done. Tell Gaara to help you."

"Sure," Naruto said, but was more interested in the screen than what he had agreed to do.

"Don't forget that laundry."

"I'm not gonna forget," Naruto sighed. "Bye!"

"See you tonight."

Naruto hung up, went back to the living room and sat down beside Gaara. It looked dangerous but Gaara was good at coming back from bad situations. Naruto grinned when the redhead managed to get in a multi-power combo, the two-handed sword burning red with magical molten lava as it struck the undead lord.

"Gorgeous!"

"I know," Gaara mumbled, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"I get to play when he's dead, alright?"

"Fine. What aren't you going to forget?"

"Oh yeah!" Naruto remembered and grinned, scratched the back of his head. "Start the washing machine, and hang the clothes when it's done. You have to help me."

Gaara set up another combo and the Zombie Lord disintegrated with a pained groan and an explosion of blue color. The redhead handed over the controls during the movie sequence.

"No, I don't," he said. "I cooked."

"Only because you wouldn't let me!"

"It still counts."

Naruto pouted. He waited until the sequence was done before pressing pause and taking a short trip to the bathroom to start the washing machine. When he came back Gaara was lying on the floor forming a cross, his arms stretched out on either side of his body. His eyes were closed.

"Oh, yeah," Naruto said. "And Iruka's working late tonight. We have to stay at Sasuke's place when they come back."

Gaara's eyes opened and he looked at Naruto.

"Iruka won't be here?"

"That's what I said," Naruto sighed and flopped down on the floor again, grabbing the control and returning to the game. Sometimes Gaara acted so stupid.

"Oh... I see."

"What?" Naruto frowned and looked over his shoulder.

"What will happen with all that home-alone time?" Gaara said musingly.

"I told you, we're going to Sasuke's place."

Gaara sighed.

"No wonder you guys never get anywhere," he said. "You're doomed even without the princess-thing."

Naruto frowned even deeper this time, annoyed, only looked half over his shoulder.

"What are you talking about? What does **that** have to do with…? Oh. Oh…!"

"Can you pull down his pants by yourself or will I have to do that for you too?"

"W-we... can't do that!" Naruto sputtered. "I never said I'd do anything like that!"

"Does he turn you on?"

"That's...!" Naruto's cheeks were on fire. Were they actually talking about this? What was this anyway? What did Gaara try to talk him into doing?

"And you turn him on."

"Y-You don't know that!" Naruto protested, though the memory of feeling the evidence of just that press against his own "evidence" was clear and made the evidence area tingle all over again.

"You say he's shy," Gaara said. "And I believe you, he's the type. But he made out with you in a playground in broad daylight. He wants you. You want him. You're ready. Just do it. You'll be defying nature if you don't."

It did make a whole lot of sense when Gaara put it like that. A bunch of very interesting images popped into Naruto's head and he had to shake them out again or things would get seriously embarrassing.

"But we're supposed to be there!" Naruto hurried to say. "We can't just leave when Kakashi-san is supposed to look after us."

"You have to hang up the laundry, don't you?" Gaara said. "Bring Sasuke instead of me."

Naruto opened his mouth to say something but he didn't know what. He was blushing, wasn't he? At least a little. He was nervous. This really felt entirely too rushed. Yes, the images trying desperately to sneak back into his head were lovely, but having them in his head was one thing and having them in reality when the laundry was ready to be hung was quite another. What would they do? What **could** they do? Didn't you need to... know stuff? Naruto didn't know anything about... whatever it was that Gaara was talking about. Did Sasuke know? How far did his experience go?

"I… I suppose I could," he said eventually, hesitatingly. "But then you'd be alone! It'd be totally weird!"

"I can go too, of course," Gaara sighed. "Only I'll go for a walk. Or go home. Don't create problems where there aren't any."

Naruto pouted.

"There's no point in creating problems if there already are problems," he muttered. The game music played in the background; he had forgotten to pause.

"Just stop holding back," Gaara said.

Then, with perfect timing, the doorbell rang. Naruto flinched in surprise and turned. The hall seemed dark and his heart was racing.

"Go," Gaara said. "Don't leave the princess waiting."

"Stop with the princess thing!" Naruto shouted and snapped out of it, got off the floor with a huff. "You're going to piss him off."

Heading for the door, through the dark hall, Naruto thought that it didn't have to be Sasuke. It could be a… salesman. Selling vacuum cleaners. Or lawnmowers. Why was he so nervous?

It didn't feel like just three weeks. Only three weeks had passed since Naruto straddled Sasuke's legs and told him he wanted to make out, but it felt like the thing between them had been going on for months. Their relationship had changed, basically since the first time they met; they had been fighting and they had been friends and now they were boyfriends. But somehow it felt to Naruto like all those definitions of them, all the labels and phases and stages, were just different names for the same thing. They had never really changed from fighting to friends to boyfriends; they had been one special thing from the beginning.

It had been there from the first day. Naruto had felt it and he'd always known; from the second he first saw the dark, angry guy he had known. Yes, Sasuke being an asshole had clouded his knowledge now and then, but deep down he'd never had a doubt. They hadn't made up or gotten together, they had just stopped pretending to be something that they weren't.

So it didn't feel like just three weeks. They had been dating since Iruka opened the door that Saturday three months ago, only they hadn't figured it out until later. The thought was ridiculous and silly and stupid and if Sasuke heard that he would shake his head and give Naruto that look he gave when he felt Naruto was too far-out with his ideas. Naruto loved that look. Gaara was probably right about the princess thing.

Naruto stopped and for a moment stood with closed eyes in front of the door. When the doorbell rang a second time he opened. It was Sasuke. But Lee was there too, and…

"Sasuke! Wha… What happened to you?" Naruto stared at the cuts and forming bruises on Sasuke's arms and face. Then he turned to Lee, who didn't looked much better. "And you! What are you even doing here? Have you guys been in a fight?"

Naruto stepped out and looked this way and that, though he didn't actually think the culprits would be around here. Especially not with how Lee was grinning. He looked sorry, but he was still grinning. Sasuke just looked surly and embarrassed.

"Let us in, will you?" he huffed and looked away.

"It was just a friendly match," Lee said. "Don't worry."

"Don't worry!?" Naruto shouted. "You guys look terrible! Get in here. And what are you talking about, 'friendly match'?"

They had gotten inside and Lee closed the door. Naruto fussed over Sasuke's nose and Sasuke was glaring and hissing at him.

"Have you been bleeding?"

"Ow, leave it alone."

"It's not broken, is it?"

"Just leave it alone! Does it look broken, you idiot?"

"Don't come here all beaten up and call me an idiot!" Naruto snarled. "Gaara! Get over here and support me, they're all beaten up!"

"I heard," Gaara said, suddenly standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "Did you win, darling?"

Naruto groaned.

"Yes!" Lee was delighted. "But not by much really. Sasuke-kun is very good. Look at my eye!"

"Yeah, look at that…"

They disappeared into the living room and not seconds later the kissing sound started. Naruto groaned in embarrassment and couldn't quite manage to look Sasuke in the eyes. The dark haired and battle worn boyfriend wasn't looking too keen on eye contact himself, a slight blush coloring his cheeks. His hands were stuffed in his pockets now that Naruto had stopped trying to touch his nose.

"They're perverts," Naruto muttered. "Don't mind them."

"Right," Sasuke muttered.

A sound, not very much unlike a moan, had them both jerking in surprise, looking at each other and blushing more.

"Let's… um, go to the kitchen," Naruto suggested and laughed weakly, nervously. Sasuke grunted in agreement and walked; Naruto followed.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Naruto asked when they sat by the table. "Really?"

"I'm fine," Sasuke said and his voice was softer than usual. "Really."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"It's a good hurt." Sasuke said and shrugged. "I'll live."

Naruto raised his hand and touched Sasuke's unbruised cheek with the back of his fingers.

"You are so special to me, have I told you that?"

Sasuke's eyes widened slightly, slightly for a moment and his cheeks colored even more. Then he huffed and looked away and the hand ended up hanging alone in the air. But he turned back and fingers touched skin once again. Sasuke looked back at Naruto and there was warmth in his eyes. Naruto smiled.

"Well, now I have," he said.

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	29. Almost laid

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 14th 2006, Friday  
second version: September 19th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**29: Almost laid**

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He tried to hide it, but it was clear that Sasuke was uncomfortable with having so many people in his room. Three guests shouldn't be a crowd, but Naruto knew that Sasuke was sensitive about his personal spaces and belongings. His eyes kept fluttering around nervously, checking where they were sitting, standing, what they were touching. Lee behaved, he was a well-mannered person, but Gaara was being mean. He touched this and that, asked about the furniture, the wallpaper and everything, even the view; asked if Sasuke could see any girls change from his window, as if Gaara really cared about that.

Lee was most interested in Sasuke's flower… Err, no, **p****lant**. Naruto had called it a flower the first time he saw it and Sasuke had been snappy about correcting him. 'It's a plant, and don't touch it.' Naruto hadn't said anything but he thought it was cute how Sasuke was picky about the flower/plant thing. Yes, flower was girly and the Bleeding Heart (what a sad name...) was a bit too majestic for it, but who cared really? Naruto had wanted to touch it; it was beautiful and had caught his interest immediately. Kind of like Sasuke himself.

Naruto tried his best to stay out of the way, to sit still and do nothing for the sake of Sasuke's nerves and mood, but it hadn't worked too well. It was difficult to be still when everyone else was moving around. Sasuke moved while keeping track of his 'forced on me' guests, Gaara while making Sasuke feel like he had to keep track of them and Lee while trying to make sure Gaara didn't go too far. Despite his promise to himself to stay out of the way, Naruto moved around with the others, answering questions when he could to keep some heat off Sasuke.

He got a feeling though that while part of Sasuke wanted them all to go away, another part enjoyed the attention. The inspection of the CDs was a favorite. The moment Gaara's eyes locked on the bookcase and he closed in on it, Sasuke seemed to completely forget about both Lee and Naruto. Each time Gaara pulled out a new CD and studied it the muscles in Sasuke's face would tense, his forehead would wrinkle and his lips would form a thin line. Then when Gaara either asked about the CD, commented about it ('I heard them once' or 'I like this') or both, Sasuke's features would gradually soften and he would answer or comment back. He hated it, but he really liked it all the same; someone was interested in his favorite possessions, of course he liked it. Had he been this absorbed when Naruto had looked through his CDs too? Had he looked this concentrated, this comfortable and at the same time edgy? He even smiled now and then; a small smile that flashed past his lips. It was lovely just watching him.

Not long after Gaara had stopped fiddling around with the CDs and let Sasuke come back to the real world, Kakashi-san came knocking on the door. He walked in despite Sasuke's 'go away!', carrying a tray with lemonade and cookies, and asked if anyone wanted something else. Gaara said coffee but Sasuke said 'no' very firmly and Kakashi-san pouted.

Earlier, as soon as they had stepped inside the house Kakashi-san had come swishing into the hall, grinning and shouting 'welcome!' Naruto had felt Sasuke shrivel up in embarrassment.

'What?' he had growled; acting like it didn't get to him. 'You remember Lee, don't you? And Naruto? Gaara is their friend. Go away.'

Kakashi-san had seemed even happier when Sasuke was rude to him and told Lee and Gaara not to mind 'the moody teenager'. The fact that Sasuke and Lee were all beaten up and bruised didn't seem to register in his mind. He had introduced himself as Sasuke's landlord and babysitter, Lee had smiled said 'pleased to meet you again!' and Gaara had smiled his soft 'I'm weird and a possible psychopath' smile and said 'hello' in a soft voice. Naruto had grinned sheepishly and waved, hoping Kakashi-san couldn't sense what he thought about doing with Sasuke later. No, he hadn't decided to listen to Gaara just yet, but listening felt more and more desirable and reasonable by the second. He wasn't sure what Kakashi-san would think about that. Sasuke had sighed loudly and angrily and decided they should go upstairs. '**Now.**'

Kakashi-san left the lemonade and cookie tray on the desk and left Sasuke's room practically skipping. He sure loved teasing, that man; Gaara probably loved him. Once the door closed Sasuke grumbled 'sorry' to Gaara and said 'he's an asshole and likes to embarrass me. You can laugh.' No one did, but Lee smiled politely and Gaara looked very amused. The tray was passed around and sitting on the floor they had lemonade and cookies.

They formed an off triangle as they sat; awkwardly conversing about things that didn't really matter because they all didn't really know each other but were still stuck in the same room. It looked strange, seeing as two of them were bruised and beaten up, but what could you do? Gaara and Lee were one corner and Sasuke and Naruto were two. Gaara leaned against Lee, looking sleepy (though Naruto knew he wasn't); Lee had been a bit embarrassed at first, sitting like that when he had just barely met Sasuke, but Gaara persuaded him. It felt like they were dating more than Naruto and Sasuke were dating. Naruto couldn't help but think about what Gaara had said about what they had done at the playground. Eww... but that was how much they were dating. They had done all of it, been through almost two years of togetherness. It felt like Naruto and Sasuke were babies in comparison.

Naruto wondered if there would come a day for them when Sasuke would grumble but eventually let Naruto cuddle him like Gaara cuddled Lee now, in front of an almost stranger. Sasuke was shy, even more so than Lee, but... maybe? The thought of having been together with Sasuke for that long made Naruto's heart soar, then his stomach swirled violently as he thought of what they must have done after such a long time together.

What would Sasuke do if Naruto tried to cuddle him now? Throw a fit most likely; especially since he was already frustrated by having people in his room and Kakashi-san messing around. Seeing him, Naruto wasn't sure that tonight would be such a good night for taking things further; which was horribly sad because how often did Iruka come home late? It was such a perfect opportunity. Stupid Gaara for stirring up Sasuke.

Naruto wasn't even sure if he would be able to ask Sasuke to come and help with the laundry anymore. The thoughts about what could happen after the laundry had rooted so firmly in Naruto's mind now that even if he didn't mean to take advantage of Iruka's absence, he would think about it and Sasuke would sense the vibes. He wouldn't hear 'I need to hang up some laundry, do you want to help me?', he would hear 'I have an excuse to be alone with you, do you want to go further?' Would Naruto dare to ask when he knew that Sasuke would know what was on his mind, even though Naruto didn't know if what was on his mind was what he wanted to do? Would Sasuke come along if he dared to ask? Did Sasuke want to go further? Did he think about these things? Would they go further today? Could you get more nervous? How much time had he to think before the washing machine was done? How much could a brain think before it exploded?

Lee and Sasuke were talking about something fighting related, finally starting to get more relaxed, Gaara had his eyes closed and Naruto was so nervous he could barely think. When Kakashi-san knocked, opened the door, waved with the phone and said 'Iruka-san says not to forget the laundry,' Naruto actually angrily yelled 'I haven't forgotten!' Sasuke and Lee looked surprised, for the same reason; Kakashi-san and Gaara looked amused, for different reasons.

This was all Gaara's fault. He was the one that had put those stupid going further ideas in Naruto's head; Naruto would have been blissfully ignorant of the perfect opportunity if it weren't for him. There was no princess thing. Gaara had probably just come up with that because he wanted to have Naruto think perverted things were normal. How could Naruto have listened to him anyway? He had been dating Lee for almost two years! There was a huge difference between them and Naruto and Sasuke. And Gaara was a pervert. Visions of what had happened in the playground house that was supposed to be Naruto and Sasuke's place resurfaced and Naruto had to shudder. Stupid, stupid Gaara for playing with Naruto's even stupider hormones. Aw, screw going further!

"Are you sure about that, Naruto?" the redhead wanted to know as if he could read minds.

"Yes," Naruto hissed. "I remember."

"So go," Gaara smiled. "I'm sure it's time."

Kakashi-san had left; Lee and Sasuke looked confused and slightly awkward, both probably sensing the topic beneath the topic.

"Why don't you guys go home already?" Naruto muttered. He tried to tell himself he could not hear his heart beating and that his face was not warmer than it should be. "You don't have to be here."

"Um, we can go," Lee said slowly, frowning.

"If you want to be alone," Gaara added.

"I didn't mean...!" Naruto snarled, but before he could finish Sasuke stood and interrupted.

"I'll walk you guys out," he said.

"Naruto should come too," Gaara purred. "Unless he's already forgotten about the laundry."

"Shut up about the laundry!" Naruto yelled. "I haven't forgotten about the damned laundry!"

Lee and Sasuke looked surprised and confused again. Naruto refused to look at Gaara but felt that he was watching him. Why did it have to be such a big deal? Couldn't it just... happen? Why couldn't they just easily fall into it like in the movies?

"Let's go," Sasuke said and his voice carried a lot of half-annoyed 'what's wrong with you?' aimed toward Naruto. Naruto didn't want to look at anyone.

As if sensing the tension Kakashi-san was much less cheerful and all over them in the hall when they put on their shoes and jackets. Lee said 'good bye' politely, Gaara said 'bye' creepily and Naruto mumbled that he needed to get the laundry. Sasuke said nothing. The world outside had grown dark and the chill made Naruto grateful for jackets. Clouds huffed from their mouths. When they reached the street Lee and Gaara said bye before heading off in the direction of Lee's house, side by side, holding hands.

Naruto felt deflated, both grateful and not that he and Sasuke were finally alone. He felt like he had ruined a birthday party and still couldn't quite understand the anger, or frustration, or whatever it had been; or was. Maybe just nervousness gotten out of hand.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked, but he didn't sound as half-annoyed anymore.

"Nothing," Naruto muttered. "I'm just..."

"What?"

Naruto sighed. It felt weird. He couldn't remember them having talked like this before, trying to sort something out. Usually they just argued about small things, not about stuff that mattered; and this wasn't arguing at all, just... It felt weird, and nice, that Sasuke could care enough to ask. It felt couple-ish.

"Are you still pissed about the fight?"

"No," Naruto said, almost whined. "I just... have to get that laundry. I'll be back soon."

He started walking. Part of him screamed in frustration 'just ask him!' but another was grateful. Stuff like this shouldn't be planned, it should just happen. The screaming part told the grateful part that life was not a movie where all you had to do to get your perfectly timed first kiss, first make out, first going further, first sex and happy ending with marriage was to follow the script. There was no script! In life you had to write your own script and accept that it wouldn't be perfect. Actually, perfect was highly overrated. Naruto should know. Since when had his life been perfect? He always got grounded, his friends beat him up, they beat each other up, he fell in love with rude antisocial guys who insulted him for days and then beat him up and he was always on the border of failing his tests because he preferred comics to schoolbooks. And that was the good stuff; because really, it was good stuff. Yes, perfection was definitely overrated. But still Naruto kept walking.

He had almost reached the lawn when Sasuke announced his footsteps by kicking a stone. Naruto spun around and didn't know if it was the surprise or the fact that they were alone and close to his house that made his heart race.

"Why are you following me?"

Sasuke had stopped when Naruto had turned. His hands were stuffed in his pockets.

"What, I can't come?"

"You can come if you want to," Naruto muttered, the choice of words making his stomach swirl. He started walking again and pulled his keys from his pocket. Sasuke followed.

The hall was dark before Naruto flicked the switch; the only light they'd left on when they went to Sasuke's house was the one above the table in the kitchen. Naruto was amazed by how his hands hadn't been shaking at all when he handled the keys. Not that they should have, he told himself. They weren't doing anything, just hanging the laundry. But being here alone with Sasuke and knowing what he'd almost decided he wanted to do made Naruto itch. He hurried to pull the clothes from the washing machine to the laundry basket. Sasuke stood waiting outside.

"What did Gaara say to you?" he asked suddenly and Naruto's insides warmed to chill the second after. Frustratingly clever Sasuke. Naruto swallowed and fiddled with the clothes.

"I didn't win that bet," he said.

"The bet?" Sasuke frowned, Naruto could hear. He made up his mind, grabbed the basket, stood and turned around. Despite bruises and cuts, Sasuke was beautiful.

"Yeah. Lee beat me. He had sex with Gaara in there and I assume they made out first."

Sasuke looked a mix of surprise and shock, of 'I didn't want to know,' and 'why the hell are you telling me?' Naruto knew the feeling. Sasuke's cheeks reddened, though he had to be fighting it.

"R-really?"

"Yeah. Have you slept with anyone?"

No. No, he did not just ask that. If Naruto looked half as terrified and shocked as he felt he must look ready to faint. Sasuke didn't look all stable either. Where had that come from? Naruto had wondered of course, but actually asking about it had never even crossed his mind.

"W-why do you ask?" Sasuke went for the skeptic 'did you just ask that?' look but only sort of pulled it off.

"J-just curious," Naruto said and made an attempt at the kind of stupid, cheerful 'just kidding' look as he fled past Sasuke with the basket and hurried off in the direction of Iruka's office room. The man set up clothesline racks there when the seasons worked against hanging the clothes outside. Naruto wished with all his heart that Sasuke would just forget it.

"You've thought a lot about that?"

No such luck.

"Some," Naruto said quickly and shrugged. "Who doesn't?"

He wondered if that was a lie. Had he thought about it a lot? How much was a lot? Like once every day? Once every hour? But he couldn't ask that, didn't want to talk about this at all. He started with the laundry; his fingers were shaky now and it took longer than it usually did.

"Have you?" Sasuke asked and was suddenly by Naruto's side, holding a pair of pants and clothespins; caught Naruto by surprise both with his presence and the question. "Slept with anyone?"

For a second Naruto had to watch him, his face hauntingly beautiful despite the fight with Lee. Who had won anyway? Oh yeah, Lee had. Sasuke was busy hanging the pants and didn't meet Naruto's eyes. He was just so beautiful. Naruto couldn't imagine him doing anything like in those images his mind kept conjuring, not **really**. He was too beautiful.

"Nah," Naruto stammered and shook his head. "Come on, I haven't even dated anyone. I mean, before you. So have you?"

"No," Sasuke said and one of Iruka's shirts found its way to a line and was pinned down.

"Oh," Naruto felt strangely relieved. "Well, we're only fifteen. I think most fifteen year olds haven't... you know, done it."

"I tried, once," Sasuke said, as if he hadn't heard or didn't want to hear. Naruto looked at him in surprise and stopped hanging clothes.

"There was this guy and we were sort of going out and... But it got weird. We didn't do it."

What was that feeling? That squeezing in his heart and that almost trouble breathing when images of Sasuke and 'this guy' trying to do it kept assaulting his brain. But his mouth was okay.

"Why? What guy?"

"Just this guy," Sasuke shrugged and looked uncomfortable. "Back home. He's a year older, we're friends. And I don't know, it... It was years ago and we didn't know anything."

He was a year older. The images bothering Naruto's mind got clearer. Lee was a year older than Gaara but not really; Lee was born late and Gaara early. And years ago? How many years ago?

"Okay," Naruto said and there must have been something in his voice; Sasuke turned finally to look at him and he was frowning.

"It was nothing," he said.

"Okay," Naruto found himself smiling and he shrugged. Sasuke's eyes stayed hooked to his until many seconds had passed and then the last pieces of wet clothes were hung in silence.

"There!" Naruto said and faked cheerfulness when they were done. "Thanks."

"Sure," Sasuke said.

It was idiotic. Naruto had known that Sasuke had been with other guys, that was what experience was, right? It had nothing to do with what they had now. It had been years ago; years before Sasuke even knew Naruto existed and years before Naruto knew Sasuke existed. Naruto was being an idiot letting this get to him. So what if Sasuke had tried to do it with some guy that was a year older than him? They hadn't even done it, just tried.

"So let's go," Sasuke said tiredly and grabbed the basket even though it was Naruto's house and Naruto's basket. Naruto got that couple-ish feeling again but this time it was frustrating. Everything was frustrating. He felt like he had to do something with himself but he didn't know what. When Sasuke turned to walk away Naruto grabbed his wrist. Sasuke stopped so instantly that Naruto had to wonder if he'd expected it.

"I don't want to go," Naruto said.

Sasuke didn't turn and didn't speak. The thoughts of that guy, who he was, how he looked and what exactly he had done, what parts of Sasuke he had touched, gnawed in the back of Naruto's mind. They wanted to drive him crazy. He lifted his other hand and whispered the tips of his fingers across the back of Sasuke's arm, above his own hand. Sasuke didn't move and didn't pull away; he still wouldn't speak.

"We're alone," Naruto said and swallowed. "I wanna stay here with you."

He'd decided he didn't want to, but now he did. Naruto wasn't nervous now. Or, he was, but the nervousness had been whisked away and dumped beneath rocks and couldn't get out. It didn't scare him off anymore.

"I don't want you to stop," Sasuke said.

"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "Um, w-what do you...?"

"I want you to touch me," Sasuke clarified without hesitation and without turning and Naruto suddenly felt the difference in experience. Naruto had really never tried to do it with a guy a year older than himself. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it had moved up to the inside of his ears. Pounding, pounding, pounding.

"Not... **all** the way," Sasuke clarified even more. "Not **sex**, just... Half the way."

"Half the way?"

"If we stay I want to go half the way."

Sasuke still hadn't turned or even looked over his shoulder or even moved. Goosebumps had risen on his arms and Naruto found his fingers trailing them softly, softly, like they had a life of their own and didn't care about what was said and that Naruto didn't know what to do or say or think. He found words without knowing how.

"Alright," he said and he sounded calm and resolved and like he didn't care that he didn't know what 'half the way' meant. He liked how 'don't stop' sounded and at the same time it scared the life out of him. Naruto smiled and squeezed Sasuke's arm in 'okay'.

Sasuke walked first and Naruto followed, holding onto his wrist; almost holding hands, but not really. The laundry basket was abandoned at the bottom of the stairs. Some of the nervousness had returned, but it wasn't the same kind as before. This wasn't the nervousness over something that was going to happen soon, but the nervousness over something that was already happening. Sasuke didn't turn and Naruto didn't make him.

It was very calm really, just a walk upstairs; could have been for any reason or none at all. It was nothing like in the movies, where the couple almost stumbled over each other to reach the bed as fast as possible; and often did too, stumbled; kissing passionately, violently, never even stopping to breathe. It was nothing like that, they just walked. Didn't kiss, didn't even look at each other; Naruto hadn't seen Sasuke's eyes since Sasuke said that that with the other guy was nothing and Naruto said 'okay'.

But it didn't feel weird, it felt fine. It felt absolutely fitting and right and Naruto found himself feeling suddenly, for a short while, all giddy. Not because of what they were going to do, but because of how well things work out sometimes. It might seem weird at first glance, the way the world works, but actually it's perfectly fine.

Sasuke opened the door to Naruto's room and went inside, leaving the door open for Naruto to come in too. He did. Sasuke waited until the door clicked shut, then he turned and Naruto couldn't help but marvel at the fact that this beautiful, all beaten up guy was his boyfriend. He smiled, but only for a second, then it turned to surprise as Sasuke came, quickly closing in.

The kiss was one of those 'on the way to the bedroom' movie kisses, but it was fine. Naruto's smile came back almost immediately and he grabbed a hold of Sasuke's hips as their tongues said 'hello' and 'welcome back' and 'it's only been hours but I've missed you'. They spent time like that, just kissing.

But instead of growing in intensity, like in the movies, these kisses grew softer; started out urgent and passionate and softened. But it wasn't a bad thing, they didn't soften to stop, to cut things off; they just softened to be softer, to calm the urgency.

Naruto had this feeling he was the one doing the calming, in the part of his brain that was lucid (the rest was mush). Sasuke was urgent, in a hurry; as if there was a time limit to this and he was scared they would reach it before getting far enough. Their hips pressed together and he was excited. Sasuke was a frightened guy, that very lucid part of Naruto's brain knew. He was terrified of so many things. But there was nothing to be afraid of here.

'Don't be scared,' Naruto's tongue and lips said.

'We're here and we're not going anywhere,' his hands soothed, moving in soft circles around Sasuke's too sharp hipbones. Naruto wondered how he could be so calm.

And Sasuke calmed down. His breathing slowed and his kissing slowed. His hands stopped gripping hard on Naruto's shoulders, on his neck and his back and pulling on his hair almost painfully. He grew softer. More gentle.

It was natural when their mouths slipped apart, parted, an unforced ending to leave room for the next thing. Sasuke's lips glistened and seemed more colored than they usually were. His mouth stayed slightly opened and his breath hit Naruto's. He was blushing, but it probably wasn't as much embarrassment as it was exertion.

"I'm not stopping," Naruto murmured; even though he still didn't know what Sasuke wanted, what he had meant by half way. Naruto could think of a lot of things that fit that vague tag and hoped at least a few of them was not what his boyfriend had in mind. But even if Sasuke did, Naruto realized he wouldn't stop. Sasuke wanted to so it would be okay. Naruto licked his lips and swallowed.

"We've got time, okay?"

Sasuke's body moved slightly with every breath he took, for every huff of breath that struck Naruto's mouth. His dark eyes seemed murky in a way. Naruto's hands had lives of their own, making circles on Sasuke's hipbones. Then Sasuke suddenly took a step back, out of Naruto's reach and in a quick motion he had pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor. The nakedness didn't seem to make him awkward; confident rather and not scared at all; even though the lucid part of Naruto's brain knew he was, both awkward and scared.

The non-lucid part found it hard to focus on anything but that pale, soft-looking skin that had been revealed; it was busy admiring that beautiful, slim body at the same time as it wanted to strangle Lee for painting all those bruises on Sasuke. It wondered how many bruises were left that he couldn't see because of the pants. One of them started just below his right hip bone and seemed to travel down the leg. Naruto's touching before must have hurt.

First Sasuke swallowed, then he sighed and looked away.

"I know, I look horrible," he grumbled, starting to get a bit awkward now. "But if you give me any 'don't want to hurt you' crap I'll fucking hit you."

Naruto smiled, couldn't help it and shook his head.

"I won't," he said. "But you don't look horrible. You could never look horrible. You're beautiful."

For a moment Sasuke just stared and looked surprised; then he huffed and rolled his eyes. It looked like he wanted to say something, argue or insult, but he changed his mind; bit his lip for a moment, before finally speaking.

"Take off yours."

Naruto's heart beat hard once, but he pretended he heard a challenge in Sasuke's voice and that helped push the nervousness away.

"Alright."

He pulled his shirt over his head, as quickly and unhesitatingly as Sasuke had done it, and dropped it to the floor like he had too.

"Don't give me any of that 'you're so messy' crap, will you?" Naruto said. Instead of sighing and rolling his eyes, Sasuke smiled.

"Alright," he said. "If you clean up that awfully tidy bed of yours."

Ah, yes. The bed. Naruto blushed when he remembered and grumbling he went to work.

The idea he had gotten earlier that maybe he should clean up properly for once had grown from having the vacuum cleaner already there. Naruto had taken off his clothes when he came home from the playground side trip and sand had ended up everywhere. How some simple making out got sand in your underwear and deep in your pockets Naruto didn't know, but it had. Before vacuuming though, to do it properly Naruto had had to put the stuff that was on the floor somewhere else. The bed had volunteered.

Unfortunately the actual cleaning had been interrupted when Gaara showed up and the bed remained a temporary home for dirty clothes, washed clothes, school books, a few soda cans and comics and the mats (fortunately shaken first). Being in a hurry, Naruto utilized the same method of cleaning that had gotten the bed dirty in the first place, dumping it all to the floor. For a finish he straightened out the sheets, shook the comforter and fluffed up the pillows.

"There!" Naruto threw his arms out and turned around. "Is that good enough for…?"

Sasuke's sudden entire nakedness stole the rest of his words and he forgot about them. His mouth must have opened, his arms fell. The insides of him completely turmoiled and everything was rearranged, or so it felt. The bruise did wander down Sasuke's leg.

Before Naruto had recovered Sasuke moved past him and crawled under the comforter. Only the very top of his head showed; for a moment Naruto could only stare at the bumpy form in his bed as his heart rate returned to normal and the blood rushed to where it should be (embarrassingly, but if the sight of that naked body wasn't arousing then nothing was).

"You take too much time," Sasuke said, his voice muffled by thick layers of fabric.

Naruto didn't even try to protest. There was nothing to protest. Everything was soaring in the sky fine.

"Alright," he said and his voice was a bit higher that it usually was. "Can I…? I mean… Do you want company in there?"

The Sasuke shaped comforter shifted, rustled.

"Sure."

Naruto smiled, but the thought of lifting the fabric and crawling inside was slightly intimidating. Sasuke was in there and he was really naked and gorgeous. Eventually Naruto sat down on his knees beside the bed. He fingered with the sheets.

"H-hey, Sasuke?"

The Sasuke shaped comforter shifted again.

"What?"

"Can you come pick me up?"

He tried to make it sound humorous but wasn't sure he pulled it off. The bed creaked and the comforter shifted more as Sasuke twisted, turned and moved closer to the edge at the side of the bed. Naruto waited and his heart beat hard. When the beautiful face peeked out close to Naruto's Naruto smiled nervously.

"Hi."

"Hey," Sasuke said and he looked a bit embarrassed, a bit grumpy. "You coming?"

'Not yet,' Naruto's mind whispered. 'A bit more of you and I just might though.'

"Sorry," he mumbled and had to be blushing. "I was just... It felt a bit... You're naked."

Sasuke sighed and looked sorry and even more embarrassed.

"I... I was just..." he muttered. "You take too much time, and... And I didn't want it to be like last time. I didn't want to recognize it."

"W-why?" Naruto swallowed and felt a surge of badness run through him. He understood what Sasuke meant with last time meant and didn't want to think about it.

"Because this is different," Sasuke said and there was something in his eyes when he looked at Naruto that took somehow just swept the badness away. Naruto smiled.

"Okay," he said and moved closer to press against Sasuke's mouth with his own.

They kissed softly first; then more, and more. It was growing stronger this time, the intensity; more urgent. Naruto found his head slipping inside the cave of comforter; inside together with the darkness and the warmth and that smell. That Sasuke smell.

"Can I come in?" Naruto asked again between pants, once his mouth was free.

"I said you could, didn't I?" Sasuke huffed and breathed hard.

"Yeah… But, I just…"

Sasuke sighed. Then he grabbed a hold of Naruto's arms and pulled him inside; or attempted to, at least. Half way the comforter got stuck on Naruto's pants and he ended up pulling it with him, so he was only inside from the waist and up. Sasuke was also only inside from the waist and up. If someone had decided to come in just then, things would have been embarrassing, Sasuke's bare legs spread around Naruto's. His privates would have been hidden, but it would have been clear that he was naked. The bruise down his leg would have showed.

"Sorry," Naruto muttered and Sasuke sighed again. Still, things like this would be charming when they got older, right? Something to tell… well, maybe not the grandchildren, but they could tell it to each other.

It was one of those moments that a kiss could fix though, so Naruto kissed. And it wasn't just a fix, it was a perfect bridge between an awkward 'we're half-naked' situation and a pleasant 'we won't be half-naked for long' one. With the kisses came hands and sounds; Sasuke's hands in Naruto's hair, sliding down his naked sides and wandering, Naruto's hands cradling Sasuke's face and then finding his waist, then wandering too. Moans and sighs, muffled by their cover.

It was different like this, with Sasuke this naked. Naruto could feel him, hard, and it was really him, just him, not pants covering him. Naruto's palms got stickier when Sasuke was naked like this. He wondered when he would lose his own pants and how much of a difference it would make. He was nervous. Sasuke was shifting his hips, rubbing a slow dance against Naruto's zipper. It felt so good it hurt and Naruto had to close his eyes.

"Wait," he panted when their mouths separated. "Let me..."

He moved his hands to his pants to explain. It was so damn hot. He had to throw the comforter off their heads. The panting was loud now that it was unmuffled and Sasuke's face was red, his forehead glistening with sweat.

"No, let me," Sasuke breathed.

Naruto hesitated, then nodded and shifted, sat up and avoided looking down as he unhooked himself from the comforter and straightened it out over them. Feeling was one thing, looking right now was too... And Sasuke's hands went to his pants. Fingers unbuttoned and unzipped as fast as if it was Sasuke's own clothes. Wasn't he nervous? Naruto's fingers were shaking so bad he could barely handle the comforter. He had to shift again when the pants came down, put his own hands next to Sasuke's and helped. He was hard. It was embarrassing and he felt as naked as he was. The pant legs took some more shifting. He pulled off his own socks.

Before Naruto really knew how it had happened they were lying on their sides facing each other, close, legs tangled, heads on pillows and covered. One of Sasuke's hands trailed along Naruto's side, the other fiddled with his hair. Naruto had one hand resting on Sasuke's throat and the other against his chest, softly playing with one nipple and then the other. It was a moment of stillness; their breathing had calmed down and the urgency too, amazingly with how aroused they both still were. It took a long time before Naruto had gathered enough boldness to just whisper.

"Now what?"

"Now I want you to touch me," Sasuke whispered back, like it was the only acceptable volume. It probably was.

Naruto swallowed.

He let the hand that had been playing with Sasuke's chest trail down, slowly, and watched as it did. His stomach swirled at the thought and the warmth of him, across the slim stomach, tensing, down to the waist, further. When he felt the hair signal his arrival he swallowed again and looked up at Sasuke's face. The dark eyes were closed and his mouth had opened slightly. Naruto shifted even closer, pressed one of his legs further in between Sasuke's and the other higher up on his thigh. He kissed Sasuke's lips as he reached his destination and his hand was tentative at first. Sasuke flinched, shifted his hips and moaned into Naruto's mouth. The hand that fiddled with Naruto's hair grabbed his arm and the other grabbed his hip. Naruto let his other hand move up to cradle Sasuke's head as they kissed, while the one that mattered moved.

Sasuke was a bad kisser when you touched him, Naruto had to be careful with his tongue. Soon he couldn't kiss at all and tore free of Naruto's mouth with a louder moan than Naruto didn't think he had ever heard him utter. He wrapped his arms around Naruto's neck and pressed his face between Naruto's shoulder and throat. His hips moved, as if begging for a higher pace, and his sounds were entirely different from when Naruto just kissed him.

But this was entirely different, touching someone else. Naruto never could have imagined that it would be such a difference; he had done this a million times and now he barely recognized it. It was the same principle, the same movement, only mirrored, but still so... There were the actual physical differences; Sasuke was a hint longer and had a grace to him, if there was such a thing when describing these things. But those differences were not the biggest. There was just something to this now, like before it had been to get off and now it was to... to be together, to touch. There was intimacy here that made Naruto want to cry.

And just the thought of having it done to you was overwhelming enough that Naruto could understand why Sasuke couldn't stop moaning against his throat or thrusting against his hand. One part of him worried if it was really supposed to be this intense, but the rest just wanted more of those sounds and those movements. It was horribly addictive, having him like this, having this private and shy person be this wanton against you.

Naruto wished he could see him, see how it felt, and he wished Sasuke would return the favor, especially when the thrusting hips sent the hardness pressing against his own. But for now this was enough. Naruto settled for the stickiness of their bodies pressed together and the sounds and the feel of Sasuke in his hand, slippery from more than just sweat. It would be over soon, if Sasuke's increased urgency was any indicator, and Naruto wanted to know he'd savored the moment.

'Was this what Gaara meant?' his mind silently wondered, but the thought was soon lost to 'how will I be able to look at Sasuke again without remembering this? Will I have to skip school until he graduates?' School... It felt like a different life. The world outside this, outside this bed seemed so far away.

'_Will I have to wear a blind fold? And earplugs? How will I be able to hear his voice without remembering this?' _

But maybe that was the point.

And then Sasuke tensed and gave one last moan, and Naruto felt the pleasure seep between his fingers. The tension in Sasuke's muscles lasted and lasted and when it fell away he gave a long, shaking breath against Naruto's throat and was then still and silent, limp as seaweed. Naruto gave him a moment before breathing his name.

"Sasuke?"

The arms around Naruto's neck hung loose and Sasuke's face left Naruto's skin; his head falling back on the pillow. Was he dead? Naah, he was fifteen years old, that wouldn't kill him. He was probably just…

Naruto suddenly remembered that rainy day when Sasuke had walked home from school without a raincoat and passed out in Naruto's arms. He had told Naruto more about those 'shut downs' as he called them now, that sometimes when he got stressed or had too much on his mind his brain shut down and he passed out. He had told Naruto not to worry if it happened again, that he would be fine. Now, Naruto never could have guessed that getting off would be stressful enough to pass out over and it hadn't been anything like last time; no trouble breathing, no trying to get away; Sasuke had just seemed to really enjoy himself. But Naruto supposed that maybe there was a light version shut down that Sasuke had failed to mention. Or maybe a happy version that only happened in situations like this, Sasuke had had no reason to mention that then and could have forgotten about it when he had reasons.

"Sasuke," Naruto tried a bit louder, but there was no reaction from the guy, not even a flinch, just a soft, steady breathing and the calmest expression. He didn't look in trouble, he just looked asleep; and he had said he would be fine. Of all the unexpected things this day had offered, this had to be the strangest. And probably the most frustrating, now that the initial surprise of having Sasuke suddenly go all limp had settled.

Naruto pouted. He wanted some of what he had given; he was itching, still hard from the show Sasuke had given. He frowned at his messy hand and wanted a sink too. But wasn't Sasuke just adorable like this? Asleep in Naruto's arms, all naked and defenseless; no frowning, no glaring, no tension, just softness. His breath came in soft wheezes. Naruto couldn't move away, or really complain either. Would Sasuke wake up again soon, like that other time? How soon?

After half a minute or so of waiting, Naruto sighed and brought the messy hand to himself. With the memories of Sasuke before and the reality of Sasuke now, it wasn't difficult. Afterwards he used a corner of the sheets as towel and made sure they were comfortable and comfortably covered.

He sorted out the strands of hair that hung in Sasuke's face and watched the sleeping beautiful boyfriend of his, so selfish in the way he just left Naruto to be awake alone, but at the same time so adorable that Naruto didn't have the heart to hold it against him. Maybe in the morning.

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	30. Brothers

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 29th 2006, Saturday  
second version: September 23rd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**30: Brothers**

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Kakashi sat on the sidewalk some five minutes from his house; at least it was five minutes if you walked leisurely like Kakashi had done when he got there. It would take much less time if you drove a car, of course; even with the speed limits. It was dark and chilly, but Kakashi was dressed for the occasion and just enjoyed the evening. The sky was brilliant with too many stars to count. You rarely saw that in the city. Sasuke was an idiot for not seeing the beauty of this place. Though maybe he was starting to.

Kakashi had come to meet up with Iruka, or rather, catch him before he got home. Unfortunately, they would have to go for a walk and do some talking talk. Kakashi didn't really want to do some talking. He would rather not do anything at all about this; wanted it to just be nice and sort itself out without anyone getting upset. In his mind, it wasn't a problem. None of it. Really. He didn't mind one bit that his kid and Iruka's kid were going out, dating, fooling around or whatever it was that they were doing. It was their business. It came with the age; dating and all. There may be some special circumstances here and there, but that was what made life interesting, right? Not everything being the same all the time.

But Iruka wouldn't like it. It wasn't that the man was unreasonable… Well, maybe he was; a little. But it wasn't because he was against Sasuke dating Naruto; it was just that it wasn't what he had planned. Iruka liked his life planned. He liked to plan his life and then he wanted things to go according to those plans. He didn't like sudden surprises or changes, because he made his plans for a reason, to get the best possible outcome. Oh, alright, he wasn't just a little unreasonable. But Kakashi knew that it was never about anything other than what was best for Naruto and for the family. Unreasonable or not, Iruka only had the best intentions.

It had been a bit tough on them since Kakashi and Sasuke moved here; they had had a long break not long after the move and since then they had been cautious. Both Kakashi and Iruka agreed that they wouldn't tell the kids about their relationship until they knew for sure that it was going to work and that this was what they wanted to do. They were starting to get there.

Iruka had told Kakashi now that he really wanted this. He wanted them, the four of them, to be a family. He wanted Kakashi to be his partner and the kids to be their kids, brothers. He had worried about Sasuke and Naruto at first but now they were getting along. Iruka had told Kakashi that he always wanted Naruto to have a brother or a sister. 'Siblings are the best gift you can give a child,' Iruka had said. 'Because that way they won't be alone.' He had been smiling when he said it. There had been traces of sadness in his eyes, Kakashi had noticed, but not enough to make it anything but a genuine smile. Iruka had been smiling, but Kakashi had shivered. It was a nice thought, but Kakashi had gotten cold shivers down his spine.

He hadn't told Iruka anything about Sasuke or what had happened to make the boy an orphan. He wasn't allowed to, because of the rules for foster parents meeting kids with difficult backgrounds, but he didn't want to either, because of his own rules; Sasuke would get to decide if or when to tell. Part of Kakashi was sorry, even though he knew that Iruka understood; he was especially sorry when he thought that if Iruka knew he might understand Sasuke better and make different plans.

Sasuke didn't want to be a family like Iruka wanted to be a family. He didn't want a brother. It wasn't about Iruka or Naruto, not this family in particular; he just couldn't stand the thought of a normal family life. He had convinced himself that it was fake and that he hated it, to stay sane. Even though he hadn't made any real attempts to break them up (he wasn't mean like that), Kakashi was sure that just the thought of him being serious with Iruka, or anyone, made Sasuke's skin crawl and his insides itch. Kakashi understood. Sasuke had good reasons.

But Kakashi wanted that family too. It wasn't in spite of Sasuke's feelings, but in a way it was because of them.

A car turned the corner and drove onto the street where Kakashi was waiting and Kakashi recognized it. He stood up and took a few steps out into the street. The car slowed down and the light from the headlights decreased in intensity. Kakashi smiled when the car stopped and the door at the driver's seat opened.

"Kakashi?" Iruka sounded surprised and stepped out as Kakashi approached the vehicle. "What are you doing here? Where are the kids?"

Kakashi faked thoughtfulness and hummed.

"In bed, I believe. And I'm here because it's a pretty night and I wanted to meet you. Hey, baby."

Iruka still looked confused and unconvinced, even as he answered Kakashi's three kisses of greeting.

"Alright," he said. "But I don't buy it. What's going on? Are the kids really fine?"

"The kids are just fine," Kakashi assured, because that much he was sure of. He grabbed a hold of Iruka and spun them both around slowly. Put his head on Iruka's shoulder. For a while they spun around and Iruka's hands came up to rest on Kakashi's shoulders. Kakashi waited to speak until he had savored enough the closeness of the man to last him through the period of rejection that was bound to follow.

"Try not to get too upset," Kakashi said and Iruka came to a stop, not letting himself be spun any more.

"About what? What happened? What's wrong?"

"They're more than just friends."

Iruka got stiff as the trunk of a tree.

"More than...?" his voice, very serious, trailed off.

"Yes."

It was quiet for a moment and they didn't move, Kakashi keeping his hold on Iruka and Iruka not trying to get away. When the moment was over however, the man pushed away with such ease that it seemed like Kakashi hadn't been holding onto him at all.

"Hell!" Iruka snarled and kicked at Kakashi's legs. Because he needed something to kick after and he knew that Kakashi would dodge.

"I knew it! It was just too much to ask for, wasn't it? Those two getting along this well, there just had to be a catch!"

Iruka kept moving around as he shouted out his rant, turning around; lashing out at this thing or that thing, things that didn't even exist; at least not physically. He didn't look at Kakashi.

"Why!? Why the hell can't this just work out!?"

Saying that Kakashi had been surprised the first time he witnessed Iruka throwing a fit was an understatement. It had been more than surprising. The man was supposed to be composed and organized, happy and all that. He was stern, a teacher after all; but always fair and reasonable. Always loving.

When Iruka had told Kakashi that Naruto used to drive him crazy all the time when he was younger, Kakashi hadn't realized exactly what Iruka being crazy meant. He'd visualized some situation where Naruto kept adding candy to the shopping cart at the store and Iruka whined about it, unable to put his foot down and just say 'enough'.

Ooh, how wrong he had been. 'Iruka being crazy' really meant that Iruka was crazy. Kakashi hadn't just been surprised; for a moment there, he had been scared; worried that his lover had snapped and needed immediate mental care. But, at the same time, it had made a scary amount of sense. All that organization and composure really should have some craziness to balance things. When Kakashi had gotten over the initial shock and realized that Iruka hadn't gone insane, he had been happy and had loved the man even more.

When he ran out of angry words Iruka squat down on the street and covered the sides of his head with his hands. His hard breathing could be heard even with the engine of the car still running and the headlights cast shadows around them both. Eventually he got back up; he took a deep breath, walked back to the car and turned the keys to shut off the engine. Then he closed the door, locked it and turned to Kakashi.

"Let's go for a walk," he said.

"Yeah," Kakashi said and smiled softly.

He couldn't stop thinking about how Sasuke would react to being on the receiving end of one of those fits of anger. It had to be hilarious. He wanted to see it. He wanted this thing to work out. Not just so that he could see Sasuke being yelled at by Iruka for doing something stupid, but because he wanted to see all those other things too. He wanted Christmases together. Vacations, afternoons, evenings, weekends. And mornings! Just imagine the mornings. Everyone getting ready, having breakfast. Iruka yelling at Sasuke to get out of bed so he wouldn't be late for school. Kakashi would be yelled at too, he supposed.

Kakashi wanted those normal things together that Sasuke claimed he hated. He would never force a feeling of family on the child, but Kakashi hoped that if it went gradually enough Sasuke wouldn't even notice. And Kakashi was sure it would be good for him, for his soul and his peace of mind; part of the healing process, even Tsunade had said so. Sasuke's feelings towards normal families were based on a tragic, horrible happening that in no way was what usually happened. His fear was understandable but not realistic. Kakashi didn't want his child to grow up and feel that tragedy befell everyone who dared to settled down with someone and raise children.

"What do we do?" Iruka asked.

They had walked following the sidewalk first, away from the car and away from their houses. Then they had made some turns and some more turns and Kakashi's sense of direction told him that they would end up back at the car eventually. At the moment they were following a dirty road along the edge of a field that had been harvested.

"What do you want to do about it?" Kakashi asked.

Iruka frowned.

"This is not just about me. What about you? What do you want?"

"I want to leave them alone."

"But... They're brothers!" Iruka exclaimed and threw out his arms. "At least they're supposed to be. If we do this, they will be brothers and...

"They don't know that," Kakashi interrupted, frustrated.

"We do," Iruka said.

"This is not about us."

"Of course not, I know that."

"We can't... decide what they do, not with something like this."

"If they become brothers, they can't..."

"Sasuke wouldn't..." But Kakashi stopped himself and sighed.

"What?" Iruka asked.

"Nothing, I just... Why not? Why can't they? If they love each other..."

"They're fifteen years old!" Iruka exclaimed and sounded angry. "Are you still together with the one you "loved" when you were fifteen? Did you have a nice breakup? If we do this, they will be stuck together. Even if their "love" ends and they feel they want to never see each other again, they will always be connected through us. You can't get away from your family."

Iruka sounded sad now, pleading.

"I just don't want them to get hurt. What will we do if they become the worst enemies? What sides will we chose if they hurt each other? This is not something we can just ignore."

"It makes Sasuke happy," Kakashi said.

Iruka looked surprised. He knew what Kakashi meant, didn't need any explanation, he just couldn't believe he was hearing it.

"You would…?" Iruka began, but he didn't finish.

It got quiet again, the only sound being their feet on the dirt. The words stayed away until the dirt road ended and the asphalt came back.

"You would choose his happiness over your own," Iruka said, but sounded neither angry nor agitated. "You would choose him over me if it came to that; their relationship over ours."

His arm came snaking around Kakashi's and he pulled himself closer.

"If I thought one wouldn't work if the other did," Kakashi said softly and braided his fingers together with Iruka's. "But I don't. I think both relationships are good for him."

"But it's..."

"I know they're fifteen," Kakashi interrupted gently. "I know their relationship is practically doomed to fail, but... I don't think it's just hormones. I think Naruto is so much more important to Sasuke than the girl I dated when I was fifteen was to me."

"Maybe it's not just hormones," Iruka admitted. "But it's the hormones that are going to mess things up for them. I know what it's like; just remembering my teens makes me shudder."

Kakashi smiled and Iruka did too, shaking his head.

"And remembering your teens," Kakashi said. "How much of a chance would you say we have to talk them into giving up this love business and become just friends instead?"

Iruka snorted in amusement and half-horror at that.

"When you put it that way..." he muttered.

"Let's just leave them alone," Kakashi said. "They're just in love, it could have been so much worse. At least they're not beating each other up anymore."

"Yet."

"Come on," Kakashi pulled Iruka's head closer. "We'll deal with the trouble when it comes. If it comes. It's not like they're related; not even to us."

"I suppose," Iruka said. "It's just…"

"Not what you had planned?"

"No, it's not. I just… I really wanted Naruto to have a brother."

"You don't know that he won't. Two years from now they could be broken up, recovered from the breakup and the best brothers you can imagine."

That Sasuke would have nuclear-like breakdowns for who knew how long until he was finally ready to accept a new brother was something Kakashi chose to not say.

"I hope you're right," Iruka said and cuddled closer. They walked together for a while before he spoke again. "Maybe you're a better father than I am. You love that child so much."

"Nah," Kakashi mumbled. "I'm too much of a pushover to be a good father."

Iruka laughed.

"You're not a pushover."

"I am. Just look at the kid and all his bad habits. I'm a horrible father."

But Kakashi was smiling. He may be a horrible father, but Iruka was a good one and if they were together it was fine.

"You're not a horrible father," Iruka said. "You know that. You're here, aren't you? Both of you. Alive."

"Because of you," Kakashi said. "We make a good team."

Iruka smiled and they looked at each other.

"We do, don't we?"

"Definitely," Kakashi said. "Kids need balance. I'm the nice parent and you're the mean parent."

Iruka laughed again.

"Oh, I'm the mean parent?"

Kakashi stopped and drew Iruka into his arms; held him there. Hard.

"Yeah, you're my mean parent. You will nag when they don't do their homework and I will buy them beer."

"You're not buying beer for our teenagers!" Iruka protested, but Kakashi heard the amusement in his voice. When he continued it was more serious though. "And no more cigarettes either, Sasuke is going to stop smoking."

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed. Iruka's arms had wrapped around him too and things felt better. When standing still got too cold they kissed and let go and started walking again.

"How did you get along with Gaara, by the way?" Iruka asked after some five, ten minutes of walking hand in hand without speaking. Kakashi's sense of direction told him they should be back at the car soon. "You haven't met him before, have you?"

"The redhead? Oh, I liked him. He had this bit of a devilish look in his eyes."

Iruka laughed.

"You should have met him when he first came here. I swear, he's an angel now in comparison."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes," Iruka smiled but there was a sudden solemnity and sadness to it. "Everyone was scared of him at first, and I suppose the fear was justified. He almost killed poor Lee."

"Lee? Gai's Lee?"

"Yes. You've met Lee and Gai?"

"We work together, sort of, me and Gai."

Kakashi cleared his throat. He definitely thought it was better not to mention the details about how he met Lee. At least not now.

"Oh, I see. We've known each other for a long time. Lee and Naruto played a lot when they were younger. But Lee was in real bad shape for a while there, it was really a miracle that he recovered. The doctors thought he would be crippled for life."

"Wow," Kakashi said. And it really was 'wow'. He'd seen Lee fight and never would have guessed the scrawny redhead capable of beating him. He supposed appearances really were deceiving.

"When was that? And what changed?"

"A couple of few years ago. I never heard any details but I think Naruto had a lot to do with the change in Gaara. He's never been reasonable enough to listen to fear, and he was so furious when Lee got hurt. They became friends after that. Gaara and Lee are even dating now."

"Ha! I knew that," Kakashi grinned. "Right when they walked through the door, it was so obvious. And maybe Naruto can work some magic on my bad boy too then."

"Yeah," Iruka smiled, then he frowned. "Lee came over too?"

Kakashi realized his 'not telling the whole truth' was getting a bit complicated. What could he say? 'Yeah, because he knew Gaara would be with Naruto, Lee came home with me and Sasuke after the fight I didn't want to tell you about'?

"Yeah," he smiled and hoped Iruka would leave it at that.

"Oh."

Unfortunately Iruka's frown stayed.

"I wonder when he came... He wasn't there when I called."

"Anyway," Kakashi cleared his throat. "They've already left, together, hours ago."

"Oh."

They walked a few steps more, then Iruka stopped. Kakashi stopped a few steps after him, frowned and turned.

"What?"

"Naruto and Sasuke are home alone?" Iruka was looking down, his face hidden in shadows.

"Yeah," Kakashi said, confused. "Why?"

The second he asked though, he knew the answer, remembering a talk he'd had with Iruka once when the man was drunk and whimpering over his teenage years. He had told Kakashi that he had promised himself to make sure Naruto never got that stupid. 'When he starts dating I won't let him be alone with anyone until we've had a Talk.' Kakashi hadn't even known people still did that, gave their kids Talks, but Iruka had sounded so desperate when he begged 'hold me to it!', that Kakashi had had no choice but to promise. Oops.

Well, Iruka didn't kill him; though he swore a lot and ran half the way back to the car, yelling about teenage hormones and a total lack of self-discipline and proper protection. 'Has Sasuke-kun had a Talk yet?' he yelled over his shoulder. It didn't make Iruka happier when Kakashi told him that the "kids" had been alone for hours already ('so there's no need to hurry back to stop them!') but at least it stopped his running.

And when the running stopped, Kakashi could talk. Tell Iruka how he was sure that Sasuke and Naruto knew what they were doing. Or rather, what they shouldn't be doing. They were smart kids. When Iruka mentioned the horrible teenage hormones again, Kakashi did his best to convince him that they were only fifteen. How bad could it get? Though the 'at least there's no risk of anyone getting pregnant,' argument turned out to be a bad one.

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	31. Not unlike a beacon

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: August 1st 2006, Tuesday  
second version: September 23rd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**31: Not unlike a beacon**

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Kakashi told me the kids were still at my place. They had left to get the clothes from the washing machine not long after I called to remind Naruto about it and never come back. Kakashi was right; it had been hours.

I'm more frustrated than angry, and despite Kakashi's assurances I'm afraid. What will happen when they break up? They will still have to be our children. They will still have to see each other and meet each others new boyfriends or girlfriends. Or do they really think they've found the partner they will be with for the rest of their lives? Already? When others spend their whole lives looking?

They're just kids. They're not old enough to drink, not old enough to drive; not old enough to buy their own cigarettes. What can they do? They can go see scary movies at the cinema without the company of an adult. Oh, yeah. That's mature.

What do they know about love?

But what does anyone of us know about love? Why do so many spend their entire lives looking for it?

The house is quiet when I arrive and the lights in the hall and the kitchen are turned on as if everything is normal. I'm nervous and not sure what to expect. Where are they? In bed? I don't want to say 'I'm home,' or 'hello?' or 'Naruto?' or anything really. I find the laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs and take a detour to make sure the clothes are up. They are. Some of them are white and as beacons in the half-darkness.

It's so quiet that all sounds seem louder than they should be. The stairs creak and I'm expecting the neighbors to start yelling. I remember that time when Sasuke-kun played music so loud the police almost got involved.

What weird things I notice and remember.

The upstairs are dark and so is Naruto's room; I find out when I open his door. It creaks as it always does when you open it; one familiar complaint just when it slides up, but no one seems to hear, just me. No one seems to move.

I hear Naruto breathe. A slow, slightly wheezing rhythm of breath that I've heard so many times I could recognize it anywhere. How quickly he's grown; it's scary. Soon he will be driving a car and buying beer. So scary.

I stay in the doorway and my eyes adjust.

Naruto's hair is not unlike the clothes in the guestroom; a beacon in the darkness; it almost shines brighter than his skin, tanned as he still is from the summer sun. With Sasuke-kun, it's the opposite. His skin is the beacon and his hair is like a shadow in the shadows. They both look peaceful. My eyes ignore the dark pools of clothes on the floor that want to tell me that they're naked.

And I stand there for a long time, just watching them.

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	32. Close enough

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: August 5th 2006, Saturday  
second version: September 26th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**32: Close enough**

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The bed was too hot and there wasn't enough space. Naruto frowned and grumbled, annoyed. His bed was bigger than this, wasn't it? He'd never had any trouble with the bed being too small, except that time when Lee stayed the night after he and Gaara had had a fight. It had been hot and un-spacey that time. Even the way Naruto's leg was entangled with something hard, but still soft, and drenched in sweat reminded of that time. In fact, it was just like it. Had Lee and Gaara had another fight while Naruto was asleep?

Naruto was just about to grumble louder and push that hard, soft, wet thing away from him, when his brain caught up with him and he remembered. Sasuke. The remembrance was so sudden and so overwhelming that Naruto actually flinched as his eyes flew open. He forgot about the too hot and not enough space. Because Sasuke was really there.

Naruto saw a pale back and a mop of black hair, shoulders and arms disappeared off under the comforter. His comforter. That in itself was an exhilarating thought. That and Naruto remembering that Sasuke was very naked under those layers of fabric; that they were both very naked, together, in the same bed, under the same comforter. Warm lightning bolts seemed to sprint through Naruto's body and he had to close his eyes for a moment.

When he opened his eyes again, Naruto saw a small mark in the middle of Sasuke's back, and it felt strangely familiar. He realized it was the wound from the first time they were together in this room, when Sasuke fell on Naruto's robot, the now deceased (or murdered rather) Vulpes Automaton 3000, Space Mission version. Naruto had loved that robot but seeing the mark on Sasuke's beautiful field of skin he was sort of glad it was dead. It wasn't a big mark, had probably just bled for a moment, but it was a wound and Naruto would not have it.

Though, if he was so upset about that little tiny mark, he really should be more upset with the other, much bigger blemish on Sasuke's skin. The bruise. A big one. Very blue. Must have been Lee's doing. But wasn't it cowardly and unfair to hit people in the back? Naruto was confused. And strangely he wasn't upset. Besides confused about how it had ended up there, he was fascinated; by the way it contrasted against the pale skin, by the color of it.

He wondered how tender it was; if he had touched it last night and if it had hurt. It must have hurt if he had touched it, at least a little. Even if Naruto didn't bruise very easily, he had had bruises before. They had been much smaller than this one and they had hurt when touched.

Then Naruto realized another thing and wanted to hit himself for wasting time just staring at bruises and old robot-wounds. He grinned, felt like a pervert but really couldn't help it, and inched himself closer. His leg had managed to get itself entangled between Sasuke's, that was why it was so hot and sticky. He hooked the knee onto Sasuke's lower leg and pulled himself even closer. Sasuke moved, an 'I'm not awake yet and confused' kind of movement and grumbled a confused, soft moan that Naruto found erotic. When he came close enough, Naruto wrapped his arms around the body as well. Inched one arm under Sasuke's waist and slipped one between the Sasuke's side and his arm. Then Naruto pulled and erased the last bit of distance between them, burrowing his face in the piece of silky throat under Sasuke's ear.

One of Sasuke's arms, the one on top, flew up as if on reflex and the fingers slapped Naruto's head. The leg that Naruto's leg didn't hold onto shifted and the trapped one made an effort. Naruto had to close his eyes again as the boyfriend rubbed against his crotch. He hadn't planned for it to be a dirty morning hug, but a little more shifting around like that and it would turn into one.

"I'm up," Sasuke mumbled into one of Naruto's pillows. "Go away."

It might have been offending if he hadn't sounded so asleep. Naruto hid his giggle in the skin of Sasuke's throat.

"You're not up," he protested softly.

Sasuke grumble moaned something, or maybe nothing. A moment passed, then he suddenly flinched violently and tensed. Naruto frowned and peered over the naked shoulder but Sasuke's eyes were hidden by his hair.

"Sasuke?"

"Naruto?" Sasuke sounded a bit like he was confused, a bit like he was still asleep and a bit like he was desperate.

"Yeah," Naruto said. "Did I wake you up?"

At that Sasuke sighed and squirmed, trying half-heartedly to get away from Naruto's hug. But it would take more than half-hearted protests so Naruto didn't let him go.

"Yeah!" Sasuke exclaimed, like a tired, frustrated 'duh!' "What the hell are you doing? I was sleeping!"

He had turned his head around and looked over his shoulder now. Their eyes met. Sasuke sounded more frustrated than he looked; he was blushing. Maybe it felt good, being held like this. Sasuke was just the type to say 'what the hell are you doing?' when he liked something you did.

"I just wanted to hug you," Naruto said and cuddled closer. "I wasn't going to wake you. Sorry."

"Well, you did," Sasuke grumbled and tossed his head to get the hair out of his eyes.

"I said I was sorry."

Sasuke sighed but stopped squirming. Naruto couldn't remember a better morning than this one. He shifted his leg a little further in between Sasuke's and the show on Sasuke's face was a mix of a throaty moan of 'that's nice...', a whiny 'it's too early...' and a fierce 'stop that!' glare. His cheeks turned even redder.

"Good morning," Naruto grinned. He was so evil.

"W-would you stop that?" Sasuke asked and pulled at Naruto's wrists, but Naruto kept his arms where they should be.

"I'm just hugging you," Naruto pouted and faked innocence. "I already woke you up, so... I just wanna hold you, you smell nice."

Sasuke sighed again and relaxed again. Naruto squeezed his eyes shut from happiness. He was alive, he was here, Sasuke was here.

"What time is it?" Sasuke asked.

"Dunno," Naruto mumbled. "Early. Too early to get up if you're trying to use that as an excuse to get away from my hug."

Sasuke was still for a moment. Then he sighed and his hands pulled at Naruto's arms again.

"Could...? Could I at least... turn around? This is a bit..."

"Why?" Naruto whined against the skin. "This is nice."

"You're hard and you're humping me."

The sort of shy, 'I'm looking for the right word to say this' tone was gone. Sasuke's voice meant business. Naruto frowned and it was only when he stopped moving that he realized that 'yeah, that was what I was doing,' and 'yeah, I am.' Yeah. That was embarrassing.

"Oh," he said and it was his time to blush. He hadn't meant to do that. How could he not have noticed? "Sorry."

Naruto unhooked his leg and unwrapped his arms. Sasuke didn't take the opportunity to flee from the bed however, he actually just turned around. His cheeks were still colored and Naruto suspected his own were too. Sasuke looked a mix of unsure and impatient, but more relaxed now that he was free.

"I guess I'm a pervert too," Naruto mumbled. Just like Gaara and Lee.

"Don't worry about it," Sasuke muttered. "Everyone's a pervert."

He was blushing again and Naruto noticed he shifted his legs and glanced down quickly. A smile spread on Naruto's lips and Sasuke blushed and shifted even more and grumbled.

"Shut up," he grumbled.

"I'm not saying anything," Naruto grinned.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, then he leaned in and kissed Naruto softly on the mouth. It was a surprisingly innocent, sweet kiss that seemed to fit more in a princess movie than in bed with two naked teenage guys with hard-ons. It stopped at that one kiss and they just lay close to each other. Naruto's hands were back where they should be, around Sasuke's waist. One of Sasuke's hands stroke Naruto's throat and the other rested on one of Naruto's arms. They looked into each other's eyes. Until Sasuke couldn't anymore, until he shifted and looked away. For a moment it seemed like he would get up and go, but then he changed his mind and moved even closer. He hid his head under Naruto's chin and nuzzled his face against Naruto's throat. Naruto's arms followed his movement and held him closer.

"This is so stupid," Sasuke mumbled. "I feel so stupid."

He sighed against Naruto's skin, was quiet and still for a moment. Only breathed.

"It was never like this with Neji," he said eventually.

Naruto's jealous boyfriend gut instincts told him that Neji was that stupid older guy. So it hadn't been stupid with Neji, huh? The happy perfect morning feeling was running off him.

"No," Sasuke continued. "It was stupid."

Confusion disrupted Naruto's jealous frustration. It had been stupid?

"It was... I wasn't like this."

"So how were you?" Naruto sniffed.

"I don't know," Sasuke shifted. His voice was muffled. "It was just weird. Afterwards, we just... smoked and watched a movie and pretended it didn't happen. We weren't like this."

"Well, sorry for not smoking or wanting to pretend it didn't happen," Naruto muttered. Part of him wanted to leave, to push Sasuke away; but a bigger part wanted to stay, so his grip on Sasuke didn't soften. "Sorry this is so stupid."

Sasuke pushed out of the embrace and despite wanting to stay more than leave Naruto let him. He was frowning.

"You're jealous," he sounded oddly surprised.

"Of course I am!" Naruto exclaimed, then he pouted. Sasuke was stupid. "You keep talking about your old boyfriend and how with him it wasn't stupid and you were all together and smoking and cool when you had done it, and... and last night you didn't even do me."

He didn't want to complain, he wasn't complaining; the experience last night with Sasuke had been breathtaking, reason stealing. The ending had been unexpected and scary at first, but it had been okay. Sasuke wasn't hurt, he was here and he was fine. It had been special, precious. Naruto was lucky, he was so lucky; he wasn't complaining, he was just...

"I worried," he mumbled. "A little, and it was lonely. You just passed out and it felt like I was alone. I know you probably just really liked it, but..."

Naruto had looked away, embarrassed that he had dragged up something that Sasuke had only done because he was sick. It wasn't like he had passed out on purpose. But then he looked back again and found Sasuke stiff, pale as a sheet and wearing a look of absolute horror. Words and thoughts derailed and Naruto frowned in confusion and worry.

"What...?"

"No... N-nothing," Sasuke stammered and paleness changed to a burning blush. "I just... I didn't... I'm... sorry. I shouldn't have... done that."

"It's not your fault," Naruto said, a little surprised by how strongly Sasuke reacted. He had forgotten? Oh, yeah, he hadn't remembered much that first time either. "You can't help it, right? **I'm** sorry. I was just... I don't like when you talk about him."

Sasuke had his eyes closed as if trying to gather himself. There was a moment before he spoke and when he did it seemed a struggle.

"But... This is... You shouldn't be jealous, this is... so different. Neji and I, we were just playing around, we tried to be serious but it was just... nothing. Not really. Don't be jealous."

"You said this was stupid," Naruto muttered.

"I didn't mean that," Sasuke said. "No, I did, but... Not really, it's..."

He sighed, a moment passed then he finally, really met Naruto's eyes.

"I passed out?"

Naruto couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah."

Sasuke groaned. Naruto cuddled closer and there was no struggle, Sasuke's arms even came up to wrap around Naruto's shoulders. A lot of things were unsaid but Naruto felt like maybe they didn't need to spoken. Sasuke was shy; that he had let Naruto see this much of him was special, Naruto felt it in his bones. And he wasn't really jealous of Neji. Sasuke had said that they had just been playing around. Naruto didn't want something like that. He would rather have Sasuke unable to speak.

"Sorry," Sasuke said.

"For saying it's stupid?"

"For... passing out on you."

"I told you that's not your fault," Naruto said.

"I could make it up to you," Sasuke mumbled, and there was something in his voice that lit sparkles as it rolled down Naruto's spine; it conjured a surge of nervousness and a tingle between his legs. They were naked. One of Sasuke's hands was wandering. Naruto closed his eyes and swallowed.

"Oh?" he managed, then he jerked as the wandering hand reached its goal. He breathed through his nose and refused to open his eyes. Sasuke's skin was suddenly sticky beneath his hands and he found his muscles tensing.

It was a soft, deliberately tentative and ticklish touch at first, running slowly, as if searching for something. It was different when you didn't do it yourself, when you weren't the one setting the pace or the squeeze or the direction. Like touching, being touched was the same, but different. The skin against Naruto's skin was not his own. The semi-hardness grew too painful in no time at all.

Knowing who it was that was doing it, that it was this beautiful, shy, amazing guy who just months earlier had been unfriendly, snarling, insulting and violent, made the whole thing rise even higher. This was Sasuke. Wow. Who would have thought the second time they met by the bus on the street and Naruto was told to stay the hell away? Naruto had known they would get here eventually, but in less than twenty years?

Naruto breathed a shaky sigh against Sasuke's neck. He was moving with the rhythm, just couldn't be still. When the hand disappeared the loss was so alarming that he might just as well have lost an arm.

"Hey!" Naruto whined, made a grab for Sasuke's hand and put it back where it should be. Sasuke snickered, his mouth close to Naruto's ear.

"It's getting hard," he whispered and Naruto knew he was smiling. "It's so cool."

"Come on..." Naruto groaned in frustration, the rebellious hand just refusing to cooperate and the other fending off Naruto's attempts to make it.

"Don't you think it's cool?"

"That's not fair, I didn't tease you..."

"You're such a baby," Sasuke smiled.

But his voice was gentle and the hand wrapped around Naruto for real this time and started moving as it should. The short trip back to a frustrating reality had cleared Naruto's head enough that he could send his own hands wandering, trailing along Sasuke's sides and along his hips, then down between his legs, touching Sasuke as he was being touched. It was hard to focus but he did his best; right up until the end when it really was impossible to do anything but feel the toe curling surge of pleasure. He barely noticed Sasuke's hand wrapping around Naruto's hand and doing the last bit of work on himself, but for the second time Sasuke's pleasure trickled between Naruto's fingers.

Fortunately Sasuke didn't pass out this time. Fortunate, because the room was getting brighter and the morning less super early and it was a school day today; and because they could sneak off into the bathroom together and wash off. Leaving his room and hurrying practically naked (they had wrapped the soiled-last-night sheets around themselves) down the hall also reminded Naruto of Iruka and for a second his heart almost stopped. Sasuke raised an eyebrow and said 'already?', claiming he had been thinking about that since Naruto started humping him. '**Hugging**,' Naruto had corrected and blushed, understanding Sasuke's reluctance. They had almost had an argument about why Sasuke hadn't said anything and how he could have forgotten, but it was paled and vanished when Naruto, with a horrified gasp, remembered that they were supposed to have been at Sasuke's house. 'He must have seen us naked!' Naruto had hissed, since his room must have been the first place Iruka would go to look for him.

When they came back to Naruto's room Sasuke said he needed to get home. He wanted a shower before school and he had to get his things. Naruto realized they had actually really spent this night together. That was special. It felt special.

He remembered the sleepover they'd had months earlier, when Sasuke had kissed Naruto to chase him off and Naruto had kissed Sasuke in his sleep, and he found that that must have been when things started to change. They had been changing all the time, but... Before that weekend, Naruto had had his life planned out. Over a period of as many as fifty years he was going to make friends with Sasuke, become his boyfriend and in the end marry him. Sasuke had been so stubborn and so frustrating that it hadn't felt like that many years, not for such a task. Naruto had been impatient but known that some things take time.

But that weekend and that sleepover had changed things. Sasuke hadn't acted like Naruto had thought he would act and things had been thrown around so much that Naruto didn't know what was up and what was down, or so it had felt. He'd been worried, frustrated, confused and angry. He had also been happy, encouraged, even more in love and in heaven when thinking of those kisses. And then things had gotten better. They had gotten closer and friendlier and years of waiting had turned to just months. Naruto didn't even know how. He tried to think back on what had happened and what he had done and what Sasuke had done that landed them here and he found that he couldn't say. It was like life had just sorted things out for him, for them.

When they were dressed again, Naruto walked Sasuke to the door; or tiptoed, rather, because he worried about Iruka. It smelled early morning when Sasuke opened the door and stepped out on the porch. It was warm for the season, and fresh and moist; Naruto was sure there was dew in the grass. The clouds in the sky were pink and the roof tops were painted in light from the sun rising somewhere on some horizon they couldn't see.

Sasuke lingered. He shifted his feet and glanced around.

"They know now," he mumbled and looked toward his house. "Kakashi will guess, he's such a pervert, and if Iruka-san checked your room..."

"Yeah," Naruto said and chewed the inside of his cheek. The wrinkles on Sasuke's forehead said he wasn't at all thrilled about the thought of their parents knowing about them. It made Naruto nervous too, having to explain to Iruka later, but... He shrugged.

"But I don't care," he said.

Sasuke looked surprised. Naruto grabbed the sides of his head and kissed him; a long, hard kiss with no tongue involved and Sasuke gave a moan somewhere in the middle. Then Naruto pulled back and pushed his forehead to Sasuke's, looked into his dark eyes.

"I don't care," he repeated.

Sasuke licked his lips. His eyes stayed locked on to Naruto's for what seemed like a long time. Then he closed them and when he opened them again, he looked different. Relieved.

"I don't care either," he said.

After that Sasuke left and Naruto watched his back until he disappeared behind the front door to his house. He didn't turn around or stop to look back anywhere on the way and it made Naruto smile because it meant he was alright. Naruto closed the door behind him and gave a sigh of happiness. Life was good. Really, definitely good. He squeezed his eyes shut and his smile grew so big that his face hurt.

Then a voice came from the kitchen that made his insides freeze and his heart stop.

"So you don't care?"

When his heart started beating again it was racing and it took a long time before he had gathered himself enough to slowly walk. He found Iruka at the kitchen table with his back against the doorway.

"Iruka?"

"You don't care," Iruka said. His voice was hoarse and he sniffled, but his tone was cold. He wasn't happy.

Naruto thought about things for a moment, even though he knew it would make no difference. He straightened his back and stepped over the threshold, onto the kitchen floor boards.

"No," he said, and the determination in his voice was so strong that it felt weird. "I don't care that you know."

"I don't mean what we know!" Iruka yelled, stood up and turned around in heartbeat. He looked like he had cried not long ago but there was no trace of sadness now. "You don't care about what you do! You don't care about what this would mean!"

"I don't care about what you think, because this has nothing to do with you!" Naruto yelled back. "I love him! I've loved him since the first time I saw him!"

Iruka was furious; his teeth gritted and his fists clenched hard.

"You don't love him. You're in love with him, and there's a big difference."

"I love him!" Naruto yelled.

"What about my love?" Iruka wanted to know. "What about Kakashi and me?"

It was the first time Naruto had heard Iruka talk about Sasuke's foster father and love, but he wasn't surprised at all. He had sensed it, he supposed, in the way they acted around each other. He wasn't an idiot.

"What about you!?" he yelled. "You never even told me you were dating!"

"We wanted to be sure!"

"I wanted to know! If it's important to you then I want to know! If you had said something then maybe…"

But Naruto changed his mind even before he had finished his sentence.

"No! I take that back," he crossed his arms over his chest. "It wouldn't have made a difference at all, I wouldn't have cared. I don't care!"

Iruka didn't yell anything back and silence fell over the kitchen as they stared at each other, Naruto determined and Iruka angry, both of them shaking. Naruto realized he was panting. It ended suddenly; Iruka's anger disappeared like a switch had been turned off and he sobbed once, wiping his eyes with an arm. He looked tired, exhausted.

"You're hopeless," he said and flew out with an arm. "He was going to be your brother. We were going to be a family."

Naruto flinched, because those were serious words and he had always really wanted a brother. But he had to stand his ground, keep his arms tightly crossed over his chest.

"Oh, yeah?" he said and sniffed. "So what? I would still have married him."

Iruka looked like he couldn't trust his ears, then he sobbed again but this time it was laughter. He smiled through the tears that had started running from his eyes.

"You are hopeless," he said. "So stubborn and unreasonable."

"Yeah, well. I got it from somewhere, didn't I?" Naruto muttered loudly, still standing his ground, still holding his arms firmly where they should be. Iruka looked at him, still smiling and still crying silently. But Naruto didn't know what kind of tears they were.

Then the man came forward; with a weak laughter he grabbed onto Naruto and pulled him into a hard hug.

"Come here, you," he said softly. "My stubborn, unreasonable child."

Naruto sniffed against Iruka's clothes and wasn't sure if it was alright to stop frowning now. He kept his arms crossed a bit longer, just to be safe. When he finally felt he could lower his guard he grabbed onto the sides of Iruka's shirt, not really a hug but close enough.

"I really am marrying him," he grumbled and Iruka sobbed another laugh.

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	33. One family, two trips

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: August 5th 2006, Tuesday  
second version: September 30th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**33: One family, two trips**

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Iruka had an aunt that lived half a day's drive away, Sachiko-baachan. Sasuke found out about Sachiko-baachan's existence not even a day before he was supposed to meet her. Naruto and Iruka had been over visiting Sasuke and Kakashi one Friday evening, two weeks after the eventful Thursday when Sasuke had first met Lee and Christmas came in October (at least in Naruto's bed); two weeks after everyone's relationships got thrown out in the open.

The Friday after the Thursday, Naruto had told Sasuke that Iruka had been hiding in the kitchen when Sasuke left and that he knew now. It had apparently been quite the showdown. Naruto had tried to make it sound like just a simple conversation but Sasuke wasn't fooled and his suspicions were confirmed the next time he met Iruka. It would be unfair to say he was death glared, but Iruka's eyes were highly disapproving beneath the cover of strained politeness. Kakashi had announced his knowledge of Sasuke and Naruto's relationship the second Sasuke walked through the door that morning by cheerfully shouting 'I hope you used condoms!' from the kitchen. Stupid perverted bastard. When he came back from his shower and his change of clothes, Sasuke had been thoroughly bombarded with annoying and embarrassing questions and offers. 'So how long have you two love birds been going out? Did anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees? If not, I can do it. And I want you to know that I'm perfectly willing to supply you with condoms if it's embarrassing to buy them yourself. Just let me know.' Sasuke was just surprised the questions and offers hadn't come earlier; he was sure that Kakashi had realized that something was going on weeks ago. The man wasn't unintelligently stupid.

When the stupid questions had ended Kakashi had explained about Iruka; that they had met months ago and that he was one of the reasons they had moved here. They hadn't wanted to say anything before they knew for sure that this was what they wanted, he had said, but now they knew. 'I want us to spend our lives together,' Kakashi had said; of course he had to pick the mushiest line possible. The seriousness had gone straight to Sasuke's stomach, in a bad way, and put a whole different weight on what Naruto said a few hours later, after he had shared what had happened with Iruka in the kitchen. 'Oh, and apparently he's dating Kakashi-san.'

During the two weeks that had followed, Kakashi and Iruka (mostly Iruka) had made a big fuss about their serious relationship and the future combining of their two households. It had started with a big talk the Friday after the Thursday; Kakashi and Sasuke were invited over for dinner at Iruka and Naruto's house. The parents had apologized for keeping their relationship a secret for so long and assured that it had only been because they felt it was for the best. They wanted to share now, however, and planned to combine their two households in the future. When Naruto brought up his and Sasuke's relationship Iruka's mouth had been pressed together in a thin line and he hadn't even tried to hide his dislike. 'We will leave that up to you,' he had said in a tone that said 'you'd better break up right now'. Naruto had equally shown his dislike toward Iruka's dislike. 'Good! We'll be together forever!' Sasuke's stomach had swirled at the time frame, though more from 'what is he saying...?' than delight. It wasn't that Sasuke wanted to break up; he just hadn't thought about deciding how long they would be together. Forever was one hell of a long time.

'Excellent,' Iruka had gritted. 'But if you're not we will still want you to get along.'

'We will!'

Sasuke was amazed he hadn't heard the screaming that morning.

These days their two families spent a lot more time together; going shopping, having dinner, staying at each other's houses until really late, looking in house ads. It was like they were rubbing it in. No, it wasn't really 'they', it was more 'he'. It had surprised Sasuke and he hated to admit that for once Kakashi was the lesser bastard, but mostly it was Iruka rubbing it in, even though he was supposed to be the mature adult. One day Kakashi and Sasuke, alone for a change, had had a talk and Kakashi had said that Iruka didn't mean any harm. He was just worried and not entirely pleased with the arrangements. 'Not entirely pleased', that was funny. Kakashi had also asked Sasuke to try and keep civil, because apparently he'd started to get rude. Sasuke had sort of noticed that, but he couldn't help it and why should he have to when the adults were acting like children half Sasuke's age. He had told Kakashi to tell Iruka that he needed to grow up and stop acting like a five-year-old, but he doubted that Kakashi had forwarded the message.

Sasuke knew though that it wasn't just Iruka acting like a child that bothered him. He would be lying if he said the future arrangements didn't bother him at all; they did. He liked his family the way it was, two people who knew each other well enough and got along. Sasuke had no doubt that things would get chaotic and annoying if Iruka and Naruto moved in with them or if they moved in with Iruka and Naruto. Things had already become chaotic and annoying!

Naruto was enthusiastic and thrilled about the idea of them living together. He saw only the good things. They didn't have to cross the street to get together, didn't have to wake up alone and not meet until the bus ride to school, didn't have to go home to sleep when it was too late to stay up any longer. Yes, in a way that seemed nice; but too much of all that together-time and Sasuke was sure he would go crazy. He needed his space and he needed his alone-time.

There would always be conflicts between people living so close together, no matter how much they cared for each other. Would Sasuke be expected to live in the same room as Naruto's endless mess of things that had little or no purpose? There was no way, Sasuke would refuse. And how the hell would Iruka's neat freak attitude go along with Kakashi's 'let's drop it here for now and pick it up later' mindset? What about the other stuff? The thought of having Iruka's more often than not insane rules applied to his life made Sasuke cringe, as did the thought of discovering all the quirks and habits that both Iruka and Naruto were bound to have that would piss him off. Would Sasuke ever see bread that was not whole wheat again?

They hadn't talked much about those practical things, but Sasuke knew that everything would change or be compromised. Like with the smoking. Apparently Sasuke was going to quit smoking. Kakashi said that they had both decided but Sasuke knew that that was bullshit. Iruka had decided and Kakashi hadn't argued. Kakashi said that Sasuke should be grateful they let him gradually quit, cut down first before he stopped completely. Grateful? Come on! Like they could even decide if he was going to smoke or not. It was his life, his lungs, what did they care? 'Sorry,' Iruka had said without meaning it. 'But you're a minor. No smoking.' Sasuke had never before been called a minor; it was insulting. He just couldn't help but see a bundle of annoying things heading his way and really no good way to dodge it.

This weekend the 'we're a family now, deal with it!' situation had brought forth the family trip to the relatives. It was one of those very basic family things that Sasuke had always treated like an accepted version of the plague. It was absolutely horrifying and no one could escape. Sasuke had been spared because neither he nor Kakashi had any relatives you could visit on a family trip. That was one of the reasons Sasuke liked their family; it was just the two of them. He wasn't sure if Kakashi had relatives but no contact with them or if he didn't have any relatives at all, but the result was the same. No stupid trips to visit anyone just because they were family; at least not like that.

Naruto didn't have any relatives either. They hadn't talked much about their childhoods, even after they started going out, but Sasuke knew that much. One particularly rainy Sunday morning, after a call from his shrink, Sasuke had told Naruto that he had spent a few years in a mental institution and moved from there to Kakashi's place when he was eight. Naruto had told Sasuke that he had grown up in an orphanage and been adopted by Iruka when he was seven. They hadn't said anything beyond that or asked to hear more, sort of a silent agreement. Sasuke hadn't thought about Iruka though, and apparently he had relatives; that Sachiko-baachan.

-

They were on the floor in Sasuke's room; Sasuke was sitting cross-legged and Naruto was lying on his back with his head next to one of Sasuke's knees. Sasuke was half-heartedly studying for a test they had next week and Naruto was distracting him. His gaze itched when it passed over Sasuke's body and sometimes his fingers forgot themselves and started exploring Sasuke's leg. They followed the seams of his pants, innocently at first, then bolder. Sasuke grunted a warning when it went too far and glared over his book. Naruto grinned lazily and said 'sorry' and settled for just watching again, until his fingers forgot themselves again. Sasuke had told him to study too but Naruto claimed it was Friday and inappropriate. 'Besides, you're here...' he said. 'Just watching is okay, right?'

They had decided to try and spend one evening together and not be all over each other. Part of the reason was Sasuke felt like an out of control pervert, or an addict, because they always ended up touching, kissing, touching a little more, kissing other places than the mouth, and so on. It always turned out that way. It couldn't be healthy! It wasn't particularly creative either; had to get boring eventually and then what would they do? What harm was there in finding other things to do together? And Sasuke didn't want to feel like an out of control pervert or an addict.

Another part of the reason was that Iruka was downstairs and Sasuke was absolutely certain that he had hawk-ears focused on his room. The man had developed an uncanny ability to show up when the hands and the mouths started to wander and the clothes were being pushed aside; it would have been scary if it hadn't been so embarrassing. And the few times that Iruka didn't show up, Sasuke could always see in his eyes later that he knew exactly what they had been up to. He was sure that Kakashi also had a pretty good idea about what was going on, but he settled for just commenting afterwards, he didn't have to go in and break them up (though he did like to exaggerate in his comments to annoy Sasuke and embarrass Naruto).

No, today they would have to try and restrain themselves. Iruka would not be given a reason to glare at Sasuke and more importantly, Sasuke would show himself that he was not a slave to his hormones or Naruto's hands. He told himself that every time the fingers started tracing the seam of his pants again, sending shivers all over. 'I'm not a slave, damn it!' He spent much more time focusing on telling himself not to focus on Naruto than not focusing on Naruto. The itch from the blond watching him was distracting enough, but those damn fingers when they came... They chose slightly different paths every time so Sasuke never really knew where they would go; toward his feet or up his thigh, or under his thigh?

Sasuke wasn't sure if Naruto really understood what he was doing, how much that simple touch affected Sasuke. Did he know how many times Sasuke had to reread how many sentences because his mind wandered to thinking of those fingers? It was hard to know with Naruto. Sometimes he looked so childish and so clueless that Sasuke wondered if he hadn't been jerked off by some other guy, and the next day or the next moment his blue eyes twinkled with that look and Sasuke wondered if Naruto hadn't planned out everything from the second they met, down to the smallest details, and if he didn't know everything there was to know about them. Those moments had Sasuke's heart beat faster.

After five or six or ten of the finger explorations of Sasuke's leg, instead of finding another path Naruto grabbed a hold of Sasuke's arm and quickly snatched the textbook away from him, dropping it out of reach. The look in Naruto's eyes wasn't entirely that of a cool planning-everything guy, but enough that Sasuke's heart would notice. Or maybe it was just the touch of skin against skin when Naruto's hand held Sasuke's arm.

"Just one," he said with an alluring smile from his place on the floor.

Sasuke tried to ignore his heart and glared halfheartedly.

"I'm studying."

"You can't study," Naruto said. "I'm distracting you."

"So stop distracting me," Sasuke said and struggled against the corners of his lips that wanted to smile.

"Come on, just one…"

"There's no such thing as just one with you."

"That's because you always want more and I can't say no to you."

Sasuke snorted but couldn't hide his smile anymore. He shook his head.

"You're so full of yourself."

"Come on… Please?"

"I told you, not today."

"Aww, don't be like that," Naruto said, begging. His hand had loosened its grip and fingers were making paths along the arm now, slowly, up to the elbow, down to the fingertips and back again. "They won't hear a thing. Please? I really need one."

Sasuke closed his eyes, couldn't help himself, struggling against the tingles running through him. He really shouldn't. They shouldn't, they'd decided. Sasuke was not a Naruto-addict.

"One," he muttered eventually and opened his eyes to find Naruto happily smiling.

"Yay."

Sasuke felt manipulated, probably for a good reason. Then Naruto grabbed a hold of his face, pulled him down, and then they were kissing. Naruto's lips were wet enough that he must have licked them when Sasuke wasn't looking, and for a moment Sasuke was annoyed that the blond had predicted his submission so easily. Not a very long moment though, it had to be impossible to focus on something else while Naruto was kissing you.

Sasuke was still sitting cross-legged, so they couldn't get all the closeness they usually had (of course, that was a good thing; just a good thing). Sasuke had to lean over to reach Naruto's mouth. He rested his arms on Naruto's chest to steady himself, his fingers playing with the blond strands of hair around Naruto's face.

Naruto's hands wandered down Sasuke's neck, but there they split up; one taking the route to his back and one to his arm. The one that took the arm path stayed there, except for one short trip to Sasuke's side, under the arm, tickling just long enough that it was pleasantly teasing. The other hand moved further. From the neck it went over the shoulder blades, down the back until it reached the waistline of Sasuke's pants. For a long time it wandered along the borders there, hesitating, following the edge of the clothing, until it finally dared to boldly wander further and whisper softly over the fabric covering Sasuke's ass. It was so soft that it was barely a touch at all.

The physical distance between hips and ass were laughable and Naruto had no problem handling Sasuke's hips, but there was just something about the ass that was apparently quite special for the blond. And like with many other aspect of this part of their relationship, when Naruto got worked up about something or treated something special, Sasuke forgot all about his previous experiences and transformed into a virgin. Sasuke had had his ass touched more times than he could count. To a lot of guys that was the first place you grabbed onto when you started kissing, and of course, then there were the idiots that reasoned 'everyone that looks good wants my hands on them' (Sasuke had crushed a lot of noses because of such reasoning). Yeah, so Sasuke had a lot of experience of getting his ass groped; it shouldn't be a big deal. But it was. The soft barely-a-touch-at-all sent tingles all over and Sasuke's breath hitched.

At the end Naruto's hands went back the way they had come, holding onto Sasuke's head as they pulled apart. He was blushing, grinning and licking his lips; his eyes were glowing.

"Thank you," he said.

Sasuke chuckled.

"You're welcome," he murmured.

Then came the sound of the steps, as always, of two horribly frustrating adults who couldn't control their nosiness. Kakashi didn't break them up when he was alone, but if both of them were there Iruka never came alone. Naruto's grin turned to a disappointed and apologetic smile.

"Damn," he said. "Sorry."

Sasuke groaned.

"He thinks I'm corrupting you."

Naruto laughed. He grabbed a hold of Sasuke and pulled himself up, nuzzling closer to Sasuke's neck and ear.

"Aww, when it's the other way around," he said teasingly. Sasuke smiled and shook his head and muttered a 'stupid,' that had Naruto nip at his earlobe with his teeth in retaliation. The steps stopped outside the door and there was an energetic knock on the door. Iruka's voice was strained and fake-cheerful.

"Hey, boys? We're coming in."

The 'stop whatever it is that you're doing right now!' warning was so obvious he could have just said it. Both Sasuke and Naruto muttered a heavy 'right', in chorus. Then their eyes met and they quickly rearranged their legs to hide their budding arousals. Iruka was frowning as he stepped inside, looking around in the room as if to make sure they hadn't been playing around with any weird sex toys or whatever. He made a disapproving sound and his frown deepened.

"It's so dark," he said, flicked on the light in the ceiling and threw them a fake smile. "How can you read in here? I thought you said you were going to study."

The man had gotten so familiar with the house and so parenting it was pathetic.

"It's not dark," Sasuke said and met Iruka's eyes. "You're probably just old."

He had read somewhere that you needed more light when you got old. The light on the wall had been more than enough for him. For half a second Iruka's eyes narrowed, then the strained, fake smile was back.

"Compared to you, I suppose," he said and shrugged. "But I'm sure not even kids can read from that distance."

Iruka looked at the discarded textbook Sasuke had tried to read before Naruto stole it from him. It had landed too far away. Sasuke cursed on the inside.

"Ever heard of a break?" he glared.

Before Iruka could retaliate Kakashi stepped forward and grabbed his shoulders, looking slightly panicked (though Sasuke was sure it was faked; he probably loved this).

"Now now," he said. "You guys were supposed to leave, weren't you? Early morning and all that, right?"

Iruka sniffed, seemed to soften some.

"Yes," he said. "Come on, Naruto. We have to get up early tomorrow. We're going to visit Sachiko-baachan."

"Sachiko-baachan?" Naruto sounded surprised, and a bit disappointed.

"Yes. We haven't seen her in months. We're staying over and will be home late on Sunday."

"Aww," Naruto whined. "Why? I wanna be with Sasuke!"

"Don't worry about Sasuke," Kakashi said cheerfully. "We're going too!"

"You are?" Naruto almost shouted and straightened up quickly.

"We are?" Sasuke frowned and hoped someone was joking.

"Sachiko is my aunt," Iruka explained. "She wants to meet my partner, and she wants to meet you too, Sasuke-kun."

He was smiling again, though this time it was a little less fake, maybe not even fake at all; though no less unnerving.

"Yay!" Naruto exclaimed and threw both fists in the air.

-

An hour later Sasuke was in bed with the phone. He had showered, had his last smoke for the day and brushed his teeth. The phone beeped as he waited and considered a spontaneous migration to the city. They had to leave before seven in the morning tomorrow, Iruka had said, or they would be late (for what he hadn't said). Stupid man planning stupid trips on the weekends; Sasuke couldn't remember a Saturday or Sunday when he'd willingly gotten up before ten, he would be dead at seven! And he probably had to get up even earlier if he wanted to eat something before they left. He'd already packed the necessities. A new set of clothes, his CD player, a bunch of CDs, his ration of cigarettes. Stupid annoying 'you're a minor, no smoking'. Sasuke growled and scratched at the phone cord.

The phone made a sound and brought Sasuke from his thoughts and cord-scraping.

"Hey, Sasuke," Shikamaru said.

"Hey," Sasuke said and didn't even try to hide his annoyance.

"How's it going?"

"We're going on a family trip."

"Really? One of those…?"

"Yeah, one of those," Sasuke interrupted, and then he sighed. "I'm seriously considering getting out of here."

"When's the trip?"

"Tomorrow morning. We're leaving at seven."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. Ouch."

When Shikamaru had heard about Sasuke getting together with Naruto he had said it was a good thing and congratulated Sasuke on acquiring his first real boyfriend. Very mature. Sasuke had groaned and said 'shut up'. But his insides had filled with a nice warmth and he had smiled. There had been no teasing 'I told you so'.

Shikamaru had heard all about the future new family arrangements too; from how Kakashi and Iruka apparently had been secretly dating for months, even before the move, to the new annoying cigarette rule.

"Where are you going?"Shikamaru asked.

"Iruka's aunt. She lives half a day from here; apparently it's even smaller than this place. We will be back on Sunday, in the middle of the night."

"How's the boyfriend?"

"He's too damn excited," Sasuke muttered.

"Oh..."

"About the trip!"

Shikamaru snickered.

The reason Sasuke had called Shikamaru wasn't really the family trip. It wasn't Naruto either, not like that, so the first minutes of talking were just to buy some time; because Sasuke was nervous. He hated it, but he was nervous. When they left the Naruto topic and talked about school, the weather, about new CDs that Sasuke hadn't been able to buy yet and parties he hadn't been able to go to, that was buying time too.

Eventually he ran out of things to say that could buy him more time. The chuckles of amusement that had followed Sasuke's telling of Naruto's attempt to make meat loaf died out and it was quiet. Time was up. An uncomfortable silence lasted for some moments while Sasuke chewed on his lower lip and fiddled with his sheets. Then he spoke.

"I want to bring Naruto this time."

Because it was time for that, on top of all the other shit going on. A part of Sasuke wished he didn't have to, but another knew he did.

"I thought so too," Shikamaru said and he sighed but Sasuke he was just worried.

"I don't know if it's a good idea," Sasuke said. "But I want to. For some reason I can't imagine doing it without him. Stupid, huh?"

"You're not stupid."

"I am sometimes."

"Yeah, well… Not this time."

"Alright," Sasuke said, without being sarcastic; just accepting that he wasn't stupid this time, because Shikamaru said so. His own mind couldn't quite be trusted on this; it was confused and said both that he was and that he wasn't.

"I'm thinking we'll go next week. Take a day off school."

"Yeah," Shikamaru said. "Don't worry, you will be fine."

"Yeah," Sasuke agreed even though his mind was still confused and didn't know if he would be; fine. He sounded distant as he said it, couldn't quite hear himself.

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	34. Practically no sound

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: August 27th 2006, Sunday  
second version: October 3rd 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**34: Practically no sound**

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"Come on! Pull over, I really have to go!"

"We've been driving for twenty minutes, Naruto! We're barely even out of the town yet! I told you to go before we left!"

"Well, I forgot! Sorry! Now pull over, you can't just leave me like this!"

Sasuke was relatively sure that half of all Naruto's squirming was just for show. Iruka sighed loudly and pressed a palm over his face, the other hand holding the car steady.

"Alright!" he snarled and pulled over so fast Sasuke was glad he wore his seatbelt or he would have been tossed into Naruto's lap. The blond yelped and threw himself out.

"The door!" Iruka yelled, but Naruto jumped over the small ditch running alongside the road and scampered off into the forest. Fortunately there was a forest; they had just left the fields behind them. The already angry man started growling as he twisted in his seat and reached to slam the door shut.

"Come now, Iruka…" Kakashi tried, sounding nervous, but Iruka threw a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back.

"Not now!"

He sighed and drummed with his fingers on the steering wheel. Cars swished by them on the road. Kakashi threw a glance at Sasuke through the rear-view mirror and made a 'save me!' face. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Iruka punched Kakashi's shoulder.

"Don't give me those looks! I'm not being unreasonable. He should have gone before we left."

They were late, half an hour, and Sasuke had no idea how it had happened. It had seemed just fine. Everyone had had everything packed, everything had been in order. All logical reason said they should have been an hour early, at least. Then some things had needed fixing and some things had been forgotten. Even Sasuke, who was so sure he had thought of everything and probably packed too much, had had to run back to his house to fetch his toothbrush. His toothbrush! It wasn't reasonable. No way was it reasonable.

Sasuke had heard about this phenomenon though; how family trips almost never started on time. No matter how many hours you set aside for unforeseen events, no matter how carefully you planned things, you would never leave on time. It was like nature was trying to tell the family to stay home. 'Don't go!' But did anyone listen? At least, not this family; stubborn idiots all of them. Sasuke included. He should have jumped on a bus and fled to the city when he had the chance. Why did he have to meet Iruka's aunt anyway?

Iruka sighed loudly again, then opened the door to yell.

"Naruto! Get back here!"

"I'm coming!"

Soon branches snapped and Naruto came back out again, jumping the ditch and running back to the car. As soon as the door closed, Iruka stepped on the gas and the car set off again with a screech in the tires. Naruto made a face in the direction of the driver's seat and buckled his seatbelt before pulling up the zipper on his pants. Sasuke didn't blame him one bit. This was exactly what he meant by bottling things up by trying to be polite all the time and then releasing them in the wrong situations. Sasuke wasn't surprised at all, just hoped the man wouldn't get them killed. Though he supposed that he preferred unhinged Iruka to the faked polite Iruka and the 'I'll make sure you stay chaste forever' Iruka.

Naruto leaned over and pushed his mouth close to Sasuke's ear.

"He's like a girl during that time of the month," he whispered and then his tongue darted out to lick a quick trail along Sasuke's ear. Then he giggled and it sounded weird because he was so close (or maybe because the tongue for a second had disrupted Sasuke's world).

"I heard that!" Iruka snarled. "And don't lick your brother in the car."

"He's not my brother!" Naruto yelled back, before Sasuke had the time to. "He's my **boyfriend**."

"Yeah, yeah… Sorry," Iruka muttered, but it really did sound like he was sorry. "Just stop. I want none of that in public."

Naruto sniffed and sat back in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest. Sasuke did his best to get over hearing 'lick' and 'brother' in the same sentence and being reminded that Iruka still would rather see them as brothers, even though he tried to avoid the word.

The world outside ran so fast that it blurred. Sasuke was looking out the window, his chin in his hand, and saw trees and trees and more trees. There were two main roads leading out of the town, one towards the city and one towards nothingness. They had taken the latter. Sasuke felt like he guessed you felt if you were claustrophobic and stuck in an elevator, just not as panicky. He felt like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator that had accepted his fate. And he wouldn't get a smoke for hours. Stupid rations and 'no smoking in the car' rule.

Sasuke wanted music, but for the cause of saving his batteries he was going to hold on for as long as he could. How could he have remembered that he'd forgotten the toothbrush and but not remembered that he'd forgotten the battery charger? Maybe all this being around Naruto had rubbed off on him in bad ways. Was stupidity sexually transmitted? The thought had him glance toward Naruto's fingers where they rested on the seat between them, more interesting than blurry trees. Did having someone jerk you off count as sex? Did jerking someone off count? Or did you have to really... do it? Was stupidity an STD? Sasuke wanted a smoke. He looked back out the window.

'I want him to touch me.'

The forest cleared up and left room for a few minutes of field and then it alternated. Forest, field, forest again; dark green to soggy dirt yellow striped with dirt roads. Most of the fields were small, but some stretched as far as Sasuke could see, merging with the sky like it was a depressing dirt yellow ocean.

In the first hours there were many houses and farms along the road, and pastures with horses, cows or sheep. Now and then they went through a small town or a bigger town. One time Sasuke even saw what looked like a smaller city in the distance, but no matter how much he wished they could turn and go toward it they left it behind.

Eventually Sasuke had to get his music out, when Iruka had calmed down enough that Kakashi could turn on the radio. Commercial pop hurt Sasuke's ears. He also needed a distraction because Naruto kept making up excuses to touch him. He would lean over to Sasuke's side of the car and shout 'look at that!' at silly things like overly hairy cows and houses painted in weird colors. Then he would put his hand, or hands, on Sasuke's legs or between them and look at Sasuke with those eyes that forced Sasuke to swallow. Or he would pretend to whisper something again and just breathe in Sasuke's ear or lick him again; or he would actually whisper something, but it would be something Sasuke didn't want to hear in the car with Kakashi and Iruka when he knew he'd be there for some time yet.

'I want to touch you; on that spot on the inside of your leg, you know? I want to bite it.'

He had never bitten the inside of Sasuke's legs before, but Sasuke supposed it was easier to want some things when you knew you couldn't do it. Or maybe Naruto just said it because he knew it would make Sasuke's stomach swirl and his skin tingle.

The towns got smaller and the distances between them longer, houses got rarer and farms more common, the road got smaller and the cars they shared it with fewer and fewer. The landscape got hillier and when the road peaked to turn down into a valley Sasuke could see more than he wanted to, how far into the nothingness they really were. Dark clouds hovered in the horizon and Naruto said he wondered if there would be snow. Iruka said maybe and smiled. It was November.

When the car slowed down and Iruka turned left onto a dirt road, Sasuke wondered if a place could really be this isolated and still inhabited. It was a small, bumpy road with too many sharp turns and Iruka drove like a mad-man it felt like, at least for the road. Sasuke was sure that if they met another car they were dead; but they didn't. For a long time the road went upwards and the forest was mostly thick. They passed no fields, but sometimes the trees grew slightly thinner and Sasuke could catch a peek through them and guess they were up high. He also suspected there was nothing that would count as civilization anywhere near them. And then, suddenly, the trees disappeared on Naruto's side of the car and Sasuke got his suspicions confirmed. They were up high, and there was nothing to be found.

Naruto pulled him over, almost into his lap and pointed as he yelled.

"Look, look! Isn't it beautiful?"

Sasuke mumbled a 'yeah,' because it sort of was, for a place of so much nothingness you could drown in it; beautiful and horrible at the same time. Sasuke couldn't take his eyes off all the trees; he'd never seen so many gathered in one place before in his life. The vastness of the forest became so much clearer when you saw it from above.

"We're almost there now," Naruto continued. "Aw, I can't wait to stretch my legs!"

Soon Iruka made a turn again and the road he had found was so small that it felt like they went straight into the woods. This one was even bumpier and there was a stream of dirt yellow grass in the middle of it; fortunately Iruka had eased up on the gas. It felt like hours that they bumped further into the woods, but logically, judging on how many tracks went by on his CD player, Sasuke knew it was ten minutes at most.

The road ended by a house on a yard surrounded by thick forest. Sasuke noticed red sheds in different sizes, a tractor that looked like it was dead, a row of cars that were most definitely dead, a greenhouse and a small group of people waiting; a kid, a girl and a woman.

"We're here!" Naruto explained, delighted.

-

The woman was Sachiko-baachan, and she wasn't a very old baachan. She didn't look much older than Iruka really, had a tanned, weatherworn face, a firm handshake and a typical I-live-in-the-nothingness accent.

'Hey, you!' she had said to Sasuke and grinned when she grabbed his hand. 'Sachiko, nice to meet you!'

Without letting go she had turned to Iruka.

'Oh, he's gorgeous, isn't he? Bet he's got all the girls lined up!' Then she had laughed and turned back to Sasuke and apologized for embarrassing him. 'You must get that all the time,' she had said. Sasuke had wondered if it was a subtle hint to the girl, her daughter. Ino was the same age as Naruto, Sachiko-baachan had said, a long-haired blonde that had instantly been infatuated with Sasuke (he had been around enough girls for a long enough time to notice). The kid was Konohamaru, a brat with a voice that was too loud and overly developed big-brother-feelings for Naruto. Sasuke hadn't been around that many brats in his life but there was no doubt that this was one. And that seemed to be the family. There had been no mentioning of any father to the kids, or any husband or boyfriend (or girlfriend), and none had been seen either.

-

Sasuke sat on one side of the kitchen table and Naruto and Konohamaru sat on the other. Konohamaru kept glaring at Sasuke, as if he had broken his favorite toy or stolen his birthday presents. They hadn't said anything about Sasuke and Naruto dating (Sasuke had made Naruto promise before they left, completely against sharing his personal stuff with strangers; and it wasn't like Iruka would talk about it if he could avoid it (Kakashi would have loved to, if two weeks of playing family hadn't whipped his will to nonexistence), but maybe the kid could sense it. He seemed seriously too hung up on Naruto.

Naruto was working on fixing some kind of broken toy robot (a lot less fancy than the one Sasuke had killed) for the brat and Konohamaru was clinging to Naruto's arm, watching intently (when he didn't glare at Sasuke). Sasuke wanted a smoke, but wanted to save his rations more; he'd gone off and had one not too long ago anyway and the thought of running out while here was horrifying.

When the overly happy introductions were finally over (Sasuke's had been bad, but it was nothing compared to Kakashi's), they had been shown to their rooms. Kakashi and Iruka got the guesthouse (one of the sheds) and Naruto and Sasuke got to share Konohamaru's room; to Iruka's horror. He had tried to make Sachiko-baachan reconsider; Sasuke could take the couch, Naruto could take the mattress in Konohamaru's room and Konohamaru could keep his bed. The brat had loved that idea, but Sachiko-baachan had just laughed. 'Don't be silly!' She had said. 'Konohamaru loves the couch.'

Then it had been time for the early dinner that Iruka had driven like crazy to make it in time for. It had been nothing special, just food. Everyone had been happy and smiling (Ino and Naruto mostly at Sasuke, Konohamaru mostly at Naruto) and Iruka and Kakashi had told the cute story about how they had first met at that seminar and all the cute family feelings fluttering around had made Sasuke itchy.

Now Sasuke and Naruto with appendage were watching the oven, or more specifically the pie inside the oven. Sachiko-baachan had brought Kakashi and Iruka along with her to do some shopping and Ino had been chased off to the stables by her mother. The girl had blushed when the stables were mentioned and glanced anxiously at Sasuke, as if worried she'd just lost her chances (unaware that she'd never had any); Sasuke had just yet again been reminded of how far away the city was.

"He looks really weak," Konohamaru muttered, again glaring at Sasuke. "Naruto-niichan, are you sure he almost beat Lee-san?"

"Eh?" Naruto frowned, attention drawn from the toy as he glanced at the brat. "Yeah, that's what I said. Lee said he was really good. What do you mean he's weak-looking? He's not weak-looking."

"He is very weak-looking," Konohamaru said and this time when he glared, Sasuke glared right back, even though he had promised himself only minutes ago he would not get childish. Not that it seemed to have any effect on the brat. What had happened to brats and their respect for elders?

"I definitely don't want him dating neechan," Konohamaru grumbled. "He is not her type."

"Sasuke dating Ino?" Naruto frowned. "Ha! As if I'd let him."

Konohamaru frowned.

"Ah… I mean…" Naruto stammered. "It'd be bad, since… Since they live so far apart! Yeah, that's it…"

Sasuke sniffed only to realize that the brat sniffed too, at almost the same time. Highly annoying.

"Besides!" Naruto continued. "Sasuke doesn't need a girlfriend, he's got…! um... err, he... He's already dating someone else!"

"No way!" For some reason Konohamaru looked offended. "He looks like a girl, who'd wanna date him? A lesbian?"

He put extra weight on 'lesbian', as if it was the worst thing he could think of.

"What, your sister is a lesbian?" Sasuke snorted and raised a brow, even though he had definitely promised himself not to verbally answer stupid questions or stupid statements, and that definitely counted. The nothingness had to be getting to him. Konohamaru gaped and stared wide-eyed.

"She is not! You're the lesbian! Lesbian!"

Naruto thundered down a fist on Konohamaru's head and the kid wailed.

"Ow! Naruto-niichan!"

"Don't be rude to Sasuke! And he can't be a lesbian because he's a boy!"

"But he looks like a girl!"

"It doesn't matter! And he doesn't! Now stop bothering him or I won't fix this for you."

Konohamaru grumbled and his glare probably got ten times more hostile, but he didn't say anything more. Still Sasuke sighed and got up, wondering why he hadn't left already.

"Ah, S-Sasuke?" Naruto sounded like he'd done something wrong. "Where are you going? We have to watch the pie."

"I'm taking a walk," Sasuke said, putting on his shoes. "You can handle the pie."

"Oh, um… Alright... Just... don't get lost!"

Sasuke glanced over his shoulder and smirked.

"Don't forget the pie."

"I won't forget!"

Before Sasuke closed the door to the house he could hear Konohamaru mutter 'I think he'll get lost…' and Naruto say that he wouldn't. 'I wouldn't let him.'

Sasuke took the same small, barely-a-road they had arrived on and it was scary how quiet it was. He had thought that the town was horribly quiet when he got there, but it was nothing compared to this place. The lack of wind and birds singing only made the silence more pressing. Sasuke had forgotten his music too. He wondered how people could live like this. What kind of lives did they have? What did they do? Eat, sleep, work, repeat? It was interesting as well as horrible and gave Sasuke a whole new perspective on how uncivilized things could get. Compared to this, the town was like the city. How many hours would it take for Kakashi and Iruka to get back? How far away was the nearest store? Sasuke had to admit that it was an experience, being in this place.

He had made it to the end of the dwarf road and walked some five minutes or so on the bigger one when an odd clatter against the road started echoing. Sasuke stopped and frowned until the earlier mentioning of stables came back to him. Sure enough, soon, from around a turn of the road, came a horse. It was dark and looked somewhat bigger than what Sasuke had imagined was a standard horse size. The long ponytail falling out from under the helmet made the rider easy to recognize, even though Sasuke had just met her. There was horror in her eyes at first when she saw him, and the horse's pace slowed down; then she seemed to make up her mind and with a short sound she urged the animal to speed up again.

"Sasuke-kun, hi!"

The sound of the hooves was even more impressive when the horse came closer; Sasuke could almost feel the weight of it. Fortunately it slowed down before his nerves forced him to jump off the road. Ino was smiling.

"Hi," she said again. Her cheeks were red but Sasuke didn't know if it was his fault or if it was the riding. He remembered having heard somewhere that riding was a pretty demanding exercise. The horse was breathing hard, chest heaving and fur gleaming. It was standing a bit too close but Sasuke's pride talked him into staying where he was. Sure, it was big, but it wasn't like it was a carnivore, right? Right?

"Are you taking a walk?"

Before Sasuke could answer, Ino laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Of course you are," she said. "Sorry for being stupid. Where are you going?"

"Just walking," Sasuke said and looked around. Trees, road, more trees, sky.

"I would have said 'don't get lost', but I'm sure you won't."

She smiled; the flirty smile Sasuke had had girls aim at him so many times it was ridiculous. When Sasuke had first met Ino she had seemed like a city girl trapped in the country; she had had the hair, the clothes, the makeup, the style and the attitude; completely different from her mom (though that could have been the age, of course). When he saw her now though, Ino seemed to fit in quite nicely here. She had the same makeup but it looked different from under a helmet and together with those clothes.

Sasuke couldn't help but feel... a kind of kinship with the girl, or maybe it was just the potential for a kinship. It was like she had found something, and when he saw her with it there was a stab of something inside him that seemed a whisper of 'I want that too...' He didn't quite know what it was, or what it meant, but Sasuke felt a sudden urge to ask Ino how she liked it here. But his thoughts and his question were interrupted as the horse snorted violently and Sasuke's instincts had him step back.

"Hey!" Ino raised her voice at the horse and pulled its head to the side before looking back at Sasuke; looking sorry and anxious but at the same time trying hide it. "Sorry about that, he's not housebroken. Completely harmless though, wouldn't hurt a fly. His name's Ursa."

The horse took some steps to the side and threw his head in the air, foam flying from his mouth.

"We should get going," she said and the horse started moving around in semi-circles. "He doesn't like standing still. But I'll see you later, you guys were staying until tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said.

He could feel the heat radiating off the large animal as it passed, strong muscles moving under its skin. It really was quite impressive this close up, the horse's weight and power obvious, at the same time as its movements were light. When she had put some distance between them Ino stopped the horse again and turned in the saddle.

"Sasuke-kun?" she said, her voice raised to almost a shout, and Sasuke frowned. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

His frown deepened and he thought for a moment before answering.

"No."

Ino's smile grew and she glanced quickly at the ground before she looked back at Sasuke.

"Lucky," she said and turned back, the horse setting off again in a jog. Sasuke remained where he was for a while, watching them disappear behind the next turn of the road. He knew how it sounded, but there had been odd reluctance within him to lie to her. Besides, Naruto didn't count as a girlfriend.

-

"I hate Ino," Naruto said. "She was in the bathroom before me and when she got out she told me how gorgeous you are, like I don't know, and how happy she was that Iruka had met Kakashi-san. You know, she really thinks she's got a chance with you, said she couldn't believe you don't have a girlfriend. You told her you didn't have a girlfriend?"

It was evening, but Sasuke was as tired as if it were night. They were in Konohamaru's room surrounded by the brat's toys and kid posters. It smelled different here. Sasuke was on Konohamaru's bed and Naruto had flopped down on his back on the mattress on the floor beside it. He was looking up at Sasuke and Sasuke was looking down on him.

"I don't have a girlfriend, do I?" Sasuke raised a brow.

"You have me!"

"You're not a girlfriend."

"But I'm me! You could have told her you were taken!"

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I'm taken?"

"Yeah! Why not!?"

"It's none of her business," Sasuke muttered, turned around and shifted a bit closer to the wall. He wondered how long it had been since he slept in a kid's bed. It was really small.

"It just pisses me off," Naruto said, his voice slightly less clear now that Sasuke had moved. "She shouldn't go around saying things like that about you."

"You think she's the only one saying things like that about me?"

"But you're mine!" Naruto said and Sasuke could hear that he sat up.

"I'm not yours," Sasuke said without turning around, because come on... This wasn't a badly written love song. "I don't belong to anyone."

Naruto sniffed and Sasuke knew he was pouting.

"But…" He sounded pathetic really. "But you're… mine."

Naruto's head fell on Sasuke's side, between his ribs and his hipbone and he nuzzled his face into the skin. For a moment it was fine.

"I'm not yours," Sasuke repeated.

Then it got ticklish and Sasuke twitched without wanting to.

"You're my boyfriend," Naruto mumbled into Sasuke's skin. Sasuke twitched again and muffled a snorted laugh but couldn't stop the smile.

"Cut that out," he said. "It…"

"What?" Naruto mumbled in just the wrong place and this time Sasuke couldn't stop the snort of laughter from escaping.

"You're tickling me!"

The face lifted up and Sasuke tried to glare over his shoulder. Naruto looked surprised, then he grinned.

"What is tickling you? This?"

Naruto quickly gathered air in his lungs and before anything could be done to stop him he had lifted Sasuke's shirt and charged back onto his side, blowing the air out against his skin with a loud, embarrassing sound. Sasuke instinctively curled up and choked out laughter before making a grab for Naruto's head and pulling him away.

"Yes! That!" His glare completely failed this time; they were both shaking uncontrollably with laughter.

"What about here?" Naruto pulled Sasuke's hands away and attacked the skin again, producing a new instinctive curl and more choked laughter and Sasuke threw his legs out to help ward off the offender.

"Yes! Can you stop?"

"Here?"

"Naruto!"

"What about...?"

"H-Hey! That's cheating, you stupid re-…! Ah!"

"Ha ha! Found your weakness, didn't I?"

"No, no..! N-Naruto! Not there…! Come on!"

"You can't escape now!"

Just as Naruto was climbing up on the bed for better leverage, a loud series of hard knocks on the door startled them so much they both fell down on the mattress below.

"What are you doing in there?" Came a hiss that could be no one but Iruka. Naruto panted hard in Sasuke's ear and they were both trying to stop laughing.

"N-Nothing!" Naruto got out and Sasuke muffled his laughter in the blond's neck. Yeah, so he was hurting; his pelvis had ended up catching the full weight of Naruto (a little more to the left and he might have ended up sterile); and this was not a position he wanted to be found in if Iruka decided to open the door. This wasn't funny at all, but he just couldn't...

"It doesn't sound like nothing, Naruto," Iruka sounded murderous. "People are trying to sleep out here! You be quiet now! And no… no fooling around, no… No sex in Konohamaru's room!"

Sasuke had almost managed to gather himself enough to lift his mouth off Naruto neck, but the comment set him off all over again; set off Naruto too, by the sound of it.

"O-Okay!" Naruto said, barely containing his own laughter. "We'll be good. Good night!"

It was quiet for a moment, before Iruka huffed angrily.

"Good night!"

When the stomping of footsteps had died out Naruto broke down, laughing into Sasuke's chest until tears ran from his eyes. Sasuke laughed too; he couldn't match Naruto in intensity and completely let go, but he laughed more than he could remember having laughed in years, until his sides and his face hurt as much as his pelvis.

Even when the laughter had died out, Sasuke was still smiling. Naruto was holding him close, his nose pressed to his throat. His breathing was a soft, close sound and a steady, soothing rise and fall on Sasuke's chest. The warmth and the scent of Naruto wrapped around him.

"You shouldn't complain about Ino," Sasuke said, watching the ceiling and holding onto Naruto's shoulders. "That brat is all over you all the time."

Naruto shifted slightly, sniffed and swallowed.

"Who is all over me?"

"That brat," Sasuke said. "Konohamaru."

Naruto lifted his head and frowned, amused.

"Konohamaru?"

"Yeah."

"But he's a kid."

"I know that," Sasuke sighed. "You just... shouldn't complain."

Naruto's frown changed to a grin and he cuddled closer again.

"I didn't know you were jealous," he said like it was the most wonderful thing in the world. "I love it."

Sasuke shook his head and sighed, and kept watching the ceiling.

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	35. Bonding

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 3th 2006, Sunday  
second version: October 7th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**35: Bonding**

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"Oh, I love it here," Iruka sighed. "It's so peaceful. Now everything is a bit dull, but you should see it in the summer."

He was on his back on the bed in his aunt Sachiko's guestroom; naked, with a blanket casually thrown over his waist even though he didn't really need it. It was too early for anyone else to be up except for himself, Kakashi and possibly Sachiko, but she knew how to give people privacy. Kakashi had just come in, closing the door behind him. He would have been naked too, but he had had to go to the bathroom and the man had some decency. Some. He stayed on the doormat and watched Iruka for a moment, then he smiled so hard his eyes closed.

"I love it here too," he said and took the leaps necessary to get back to the bed. He crawled under the blanket and cuddled close. "Especially here."

Iruka snorted amused and giggled as Kakashi's hands wandered, tickled, as he moved up Iruka's body.

"Silly," Iruka smiled. When he could, Kakashi kissed Iruka's nose and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"You have to appreciate it though," Iruka continued.

"Yeah," Kakashi said, then he chuckled. "But I'm not sure I could live like this all the time."

"City rats," Iruka muttered, but still smiled. "You and Sasuke-kun are so much alike."

Kakashi smiled as well, Iruka could feel it against his ear.

"You know, I'd say you and him are alike as well."

Iruka raised his brows in disbelief.

"Me and Sasuke-kun? You're joking."

"I'm not. You're both stubborn and can be very childish when…"

"I'm not childish! Kakashi! I'm very much an adult."

"Yes, you are," Kakashi said, his voice in diplomatic mode. "But you are childish as well, sometimes."

"I can't believe this," Iruka muttered and huffed.

"You both have habits that you don't want to give up," Kakashi continued. "And you are so sure you have to compromise on those habits if you're going to live together. I don't believe that's true, by the way."

Iruka sighed, his gaze fixed at the ceiling, his lover pressing kisses to his arm.

"You know I would love it if you two could get along a little better."

"I would love that too, you know that," Iruka said. "But it's just… He's just so… He doesn't like me."

"He doesn't know you."

"He doesn't want to know me," Iruka sighed again. "I don't know how to reach him; I don't know what he wants from me."

It was quiet for a while. The kisses had stopped and Kakashi just rested his head on Iruka's arm.

"Do you know what Sasuke really can't stand?"

"Besides me?" Iruka joked, but Kakashi seemed serious.

"He can't stand when people pretend to be something that they're not. He hates facades, pretend-emotions; he absolutely despises them."

"I'm not pretending," Iruka protested. "I'm just..."

Kakashi waited and eventually Iruka gave up and sighed.

"I just need some time. Some more time."

"So does Sasuke," Kakashi smiled softly. "You don't have to make so much of this. You don't have to be a parent from the beginning; you can just be yourself. Start by calling him just Sasuke."

He grabbed a hold of Iruka's hand and kissed his fingers.

"You'll do fine. I know you will. Just think of it as trying to get along with yourself."

"Right," Iruka snorted and smiled and shook his head. "Thank you. That helps."

They lay still for a moment, cuddled close together; Iruka smiled at the ceiling and felt better.

"Sachiko-baachan is working today, right?" Kakashi said eventually.

"Yeah, why?"

"I was thinking I'd have Naruto show me one or two fishing spots you told me about yesterday¸ the ones you used to go to."

"We're going fishing? In November?"

"No, no, no," Kakashi said, as if Iruka was insane. "Not we, just Naruto and I, and I'll probably grab the little one as well. You and Sasuke will spend the day bonding. Ino can keep an eye on you."

It sounded like a great idea; a wonderful plan to get two people to get to know each other better. They had done it themselves with Sasuke and Naruto, after all, with the sleepover. It could have been perfect, if it had been another child and not himself.

"No," Iruka shook his head and had to smile at the absurdness. "That's not a good idea. I know it sounds like one, but trust me, it's not. Sasuke-kun and I can not spend the day together. Do you hear me? Scrap that plan now, you're not going anywhere. I want you here! This is a family vacation, we should be together!"

Kakashi was leaning on an elbow, chin in his hand, watching Iruka in silence.

"Are you listening to me? I'm telling you 'no'."

The man frowned as if in thought. Then he smiled.

"No, I'm not listening to you," he said cheerfully. "It's time for morning sex."

Before Iruka could argue, he was charged.

-

Iruka hadn't really thought Kakashi would go through with it. Or, well… Deep down he probably had thought Kakashi would go through with it, but not consciously. He thought that since he had said 'no', several times, the man would listen! But before noon, the three were gone; Kakashi, Naruto and Konohamaru. Iruka had just been out for a short bit, in the forest surrounding the house; he had been looking at the trees and noticed what was different from when he was young and what hadn't changed. When he came back, the house was silent. The sneaky devils, Naruto hadn't even said good bye or said where he was going! It was outrageous. Even if he left with Kakashi, he should have said something. Iruka was seething. And he was worried; his stomach was hurting. He hadn't gone to check yet, but there was no doubt in his mind that Sasuke-kun... Well, alright then... **Sasuke** was still around. If Kakashi had said he would go fishing with Naruto and Konohamaru to give Iruka some time alone with the boy, he wouldn't have brought him along.

One part of Iruka was thrilled. He would love to get to know Sasuke better and maybe not feel so awkward around him anymore. They were different (Yes, they **were **different. Maybe some of those things Kakashi had said had been right, but they were still different!), but they could still get along. Naruto and Iruka didn't have all things in common either and they got along. But that other part of Iruka was dead-scared. He didn't know what it was really, that made him so nervous around Sasuke. He was fine when it was both of them, both Sasuke and Naruto, like when telling them not to fight or fool around in public, but... but just Sasuke was... He shouldn't be nervous. He was a teacher, he had dealt with loads of different kids and teenagers; it was his job! And surely, he had met teenagers that had been mouthier than Sasuke, more aggressive, more emotional, more… more everything! Sasuke was not extreme like that, but… he was Sasuke. Maybe it was just that Iruka wanted so badly to get along with Kakashi's... with **their** child, but he didn't know how.

He didn't want to be a bad step-parent. He didn't want to be like the ones you read about or saw shows about on TV; the ones that were mean and demanding, that the kids hated with all their heart. He wanted Sasuke to like him; to trust him and feel comfortable around him. And at the same time he wanted desperately to be a parent and not a friend. There were just so many things he wanted to make different, because that was what he felt he was supposed to do.

Iruka knew that he and Kakashi were very different parents. Iruka was more orderly and Kakashi was more chaotic. But instead of that difference being something that annoyed them, they both saw it as a good thing. They created a balance together and agreed that that balance was good for the children. Iruka didn't like the 'good' parent/'bad' parent way of describing it, that Kakashi had used that time, but they were different.

The desperation Iruka felt toward Sasuke probably had a lot to do with him wanting to balance things for the boy, be that counterweight that Sasuke needed. Iruka would never say that Kakashi was a bad father; he was not. His love for that child had no end to it, really. But Iruka thought that maybe it would be good for Sasuke if some things were done differently. And Kakashi agreed; that was what the whole balance thing was about, after all.

There was the smoking for example. Kakashi had said he had first accepted the smoking because it had been a way for Sasuke to calm himself down, and many of his friends smoked as well. Then, as time had passed, he had just sort of forgotten about it. He had forgotten why he let Sasuke smoke, it had just become a part of life, even if Kakashi didn't particularly like it. 'My kid is smoking'.

Kakashi also wanted Sasuke to have his freedom. He wanted to trust him. That was one of the reasons he had let Sasuke do what he had done in the city. He had also been lenient because he felt it came with the age. 'He's a teenager,' Kakashi had said. 'He'll do it no matter what I say because that's what teenagers do. They do stupid things.' Iruka had said that teenagers didn't have to do stupid things and that he would have loved to have someone that stopped him when he was that age; but Kakashi had said that he wanted to trust Sasuke and he wanted Sasuke to know that he was trusted.

Iruka had to admit that Kakashi had stopped things when they got out of control. That night when Sasuke had come home drugged, that had been crossing the line and Kakashi had put the child's safety before his freedom. Iruka would have never let it go that far, but that was Iruka and they were different; and he hadn't been there to do anything at that time.

Iruka supposed that was one of the reasons it was difficult for him to leave the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke alone. There was a big difference between that and being out drinking every weekend, of course; but Iruka still felt it was a bad idea and this was the first time he had a chance to make a difference from the start. It was the perfect thing as well, because it wasn't just about Sasuke, it involved Naruto as well.

The first time he had suspected the thing, he had dismissed it as his own paranoia. He had read too much into that phone call because he was so determined for this to be good and so worried for things to turn bad. Gaara had just been teasing, he had told himself; they were just getting along.

When Kakashi had told him that there really was something there, Iruka had been so… He had felt incredibly stupid, and angry. He had been angry at himself for not seeing what was going on and for not letting Naruto know about Kakashi. He had been angry at the kids for not seeing what a bad thing this was to do; even though he knew they hadn't known about him and Kakashi. He had been angry at Kakashi for knowing about this and not telling him and for not talking to the kids when he first figured it out; for not seeing that it was a bad idea that future step-brothers started dating. Maybe things could have been different now if someone had done something earlier. Iruka had been disappointed as well, because he wanted Naruto to have a brother; he had always felt bad about him being an only child.

At first, Iruka had very much wanted the boys to break up, as quickly as possible before things got worse. He still wondered if maybe that would be the best thing to do, another reason why leaving the relationship alone was difficult.

But at the same time, Iruka saw the good things. He saw those things that Kakashi probably had seen weeks, months, ago. The relationship had done something with Sasuke. He seemed happier now. Naruto seemed happier too, but he had been cheerful and happy before Sasuke. He had had his share of trouble in the past, definitely; there had been his time at the orphanage and there had been Sadako, but... right before Sasuke, Naruto had been happy. Sasuke was different. Iruka was sure, and Kakashi reluctantly half-agreed, that before Sasuke left the city he had been on a path that could have lead him to an early death. Kakashi claimed that things had been much worse when Sasuke was younger, but Iruka had said that there was a difference between better and good.

It could have been just the change of surroundings that had made a difference for Sasuke. He could have been just as happy even if Naruto was only his friend or his future step-brother, but... You never knew. Last night, hearing the laughter from behind that door, tears had been running from Iruka's eyes and there wasn't a thing he could have done to stop them. It had been such a happy and relieved laughter. Iruka had never thought he would hear Sasuke laugh like that. He had seen the boy smile smugly, smile half-amused and smile without really smiling at all, but laughter…? Laughter like that…? He had hated that he had to quiet them down.

Iruka was sitting at the table in Sachiko's kitchen. He had ended up there because he reasoned it wasn't necessary to go check on Sasuke right away. If the boy had left with Kakashi, hard to believe but still possible, it wouldn't matter when Iruka went to find him gone; and if he hadn't left with Kakashi he probably didn't want Iruka checking up on him anyway, so it could wait. He had made himself some tea and was chewing on a soft (because it was old) cookie from a jar he'd found in one of the cabinets. He wondered if Kakashi would be angry if the bonding day was spent without any bonding.

Iruka had no idea what Naruto and Sasuke had done so far. He wanted to think and desperately hoped that they hadn't taken things too far, but he didn't know. It felt very strange thinking about his child considering sex, but at the same time he knew all too well how teenage hormones worked. He hadn't been a very innocent fifteen year old himself; far from it. But Naruto? He didn't feel very nice thinking it, but it seemed very likely to him that Sasuke was… well… experienced. Iruka had heard enough about his city life from Kakashi that the assumption was very easy to make. Sasuke must have had boyfriends before, and people were so much more... maybe 'easy' was a bad word, but… they were exposed to things earlier and therefore tried things earlier. But… But **Naruto**? While part of Iruka felt he really should give the boy another Talk soon, the rest of him desperately wanted to believe that fifteen was too early anyway.

Iruka snorted and grabbed another cookie. He was probably completely overreacting with his no sex warnings.

"I'm back!" Ino yelled from the door and soon came inside, smiling. "Oh! Hello, Iruka-san!"

She sat down at the table and the soft smell of horses and stables, tickled Iruka's nose. She frowned at the cookie jar.

"Those are so not healthy," she said. "I can't believe you would eat them. Do you know what mom puts in those?"

Iruka shook his head, had too much cookie in his mouth to say anything. Ino giggled.

"I won't tell," she promised, then glanced around. "Where is everyone? Where is Sasuke-kun?"

"Um," Iruka hummed as he chewed, then swallowed. "They're out fishing. We got dumped."

"Aww," Ino looked heartbroken.

"Sasuke-kun is still around though."

And then she looked all fixed again; the girl lit up like the sun.

"Lucky! Where is he?"

"I… I'm not sure. I think he's in Konohamaru's room."

"Will they be gone all day?"

"I think so. How was the ride?"

"Oh, just great. We went for some jumps in the woods. Ursa's gotten much better. Mom says he still needs some more time before I can really start working him, but I think she's just overreacting. He's recovered; all he needs is to build up his muscles again."

The horse had had a nasty accident last year, had fallen after a stumble and hurt his leg so badly that Sachiko had worried they would have to put him down; but it had turned out alright.

"You should be patient with him, Ino. If you start working him too hard too early he might get hurt again."

Ino sighed.

"You sound just like mom," she said. "It's nothing to worry about, he's fine!"

Iruka wasn't convinced but left it at that. Ino told him how she had also taken the young Devil for a walk and that he had behaved perfectly. The owner of the stables and Devil had let Ino take care of much of the horse's training since he was a colt and according to Sachiko, she had done great.

When he was younger, Iruka had spent many summers at Sachiko's house, but back then the house had belonged to her mother, Iruka's grandmother. He'd been riding back then too, he and Sachiko. Even though she was his aunt she was only a few years older than him and she had been like the older sister he never had.

"Ino, do you think they would mind if I borrowed Midori for a couple of hours?"

"Hm? Midori? No, I don't think they would mind. Why?"

"I… I'm thinking the three of us could go there," Iruka said, before he was even sure of what he was saying. He chuckled. "It's been a long time since I've riding, and I doubt Sasuke-kun has ever even been on a horse. It would be fun."

At first Ino looked like she couldn't believe a word he was saying. Then she suddenly burst out laughing.

"You want to put Sasuke-kun on a horse?"

Iruka couldn't quite picture it either, but for some reason it felt like the perfect idea. It was something that Iruka knew well and Sasuke knew nothing about. Iruka would be showing Sasuke a part of him that he didn't know and they would do something together. Yes, Iruka was still worried and he still had no idea of what to say to Sasuke or if the boy would even come along, but really, if Kakashi was so desperate about them bonding, Iruka could at least try and do his best. Or maybe the cookies were just getting to his head.

-

"Is it… supposed to smell this much?"

Sasuke seemed a bit paler than usual and he held a hand over his nose and mouth.

"You can wait outside if you want, Sasuke-kun!" Ino said cheerfully. "We're just getting the ropes."

"Alright."

So, the boy had come along; Iruka wasn't sure if it was fair to ask for anything more. Sasuke had been surprised at first, because apparently he hadn't known that Kakashi and Naruto was gone, then he had been very skeptical when Iruka shared his idea of spending a few hours at the stables together with Ino. 'Have you completely lost your mind?' it looked like he was thinking. But after a moment of frowning in disbelief he had rolled his eyes, sighed, shrugged and said 'whatever.'

Sasuke stood frowning by the wall when Iruka came out from the darkness in the stable. The sun had finally decided to peek out from behind the ceiling of clouds and was in his face, in his eyes. He looked different in this setting, Sasuke; looked different in the dirty and oversized jacket and boots they had borrowed for him from Sachiko-baachan. He looked less intimidating in washed out brown and moss green.

"Do you want to come down with us and get the horses?" Iruka asked. "You could wait here if you want."

Sasuke closed his eyes, sniffled and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. Then he turned to Iruka and he looked slightly bored, slightly tired, slightly frustrated, slightly… Even though he had been dragged out to the stables and put into boots too big for him, there was something calm over Sasuke; he seemed less tense. There was something in his eyes that was not just anger toward the world, the people around him or life itself. Something that made it seem like something wasn't such a burden anymore.

"I'm coming," Sasuke said and sighed. And Iruka smiled.

"Alright."

Iruka realized he had forgotten about the worry and the frustration somewhere between the house and the stables, and now that he thought about it, it wasn't as bad as he had remembered. Maybe Iruka was just overreacting, with everything; with worrying and being scared of this child. Really, behind it all Sasuke was just a child. Maybe they just needed to spend some more time together and give it some time.

Ino came through the door and threw an arm around Sasuke's neck.

"Of course, he's coming!" she said, cheerful and smiling as well. "They're big, but you know they're harmless."

Sasuke let himself be dragged down the slope toward the gate to the pasture. Ino shouted at the horses, for them to hurry up and come over already.

Maybe Iruka just hadn't taken the time to get to know Sasuke. Maybe it was as simple as that. He closed his eyes and smiled, and it was a smile of relief and happiness, because the world was a nice place today. Then he followed the children toward the horses.

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	36. Like flying

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 5th 2006, Tuesday  
second version: October 10th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**36: Like flying**

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_Ino and Sasuke_

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They had planned to stay in the arena because Sasuke was inexperienced and Iruka wanted them to stay together. Iruka was going to take the first shift, let the horse spend some energy and calm down, then Sasuke would give the riding thing a try. Sasuke didn't know why he had agreed; didn't know why the thing felt interesting, but it did. The horse Iruka had brought was big, even bigger than Ino's, but Sasuke wanted to try it.

Ino had brought her horse along as well, the one Sasuke had met before; Ursa, wasn't it? She had warmed up with Iruka, the horses moving on a row along the edges of the arena; first walking, then running a little, then running a little even faster. They had planned to stay in the arena the whole time but after a while Iruka, the man's cheeks red from the riding, had come over to Sasuke, perched on the fence, smiling apologetically and asked if it was alright if he went out for a bit. 'It's been years since I had a good race,' he had said. Ino had laughed and teased him about being a kid. Iruka's cheeks had gotten even redder and he had shouted to Ino that then he was in good company. Sasuke had shrugged and said he didn't mind. Iruka had steered the horse outside the fence and set off in a slow run that quickly turned faster until Sasuke really couldn't help but worry for him. Man and horse had soon disappeared behind a gathering of trees.

"We used to do that all the time," Ino said and came over to Sasuke's part of the fence with her horse. "Me and Ursa, he loves it. It's been a while now though, he got hurt last year."

"Really?" Sasuke frowned.

"Yeah," Ino ran her hand down the horse's neck, her eyes fixed on the shining, dark fur. "He'll be fine though. He'll have to be fine, he's my baby boy. Aren't you, baby boy?"

Her teeth were gripping her lower lip and for a moment she was frowning. But then the seriousness disappeared and the smile was back on her face.

"Are you nervous yet?" she asked and winked. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"I'm not nervous," he grumbled; unsure whether that was entirely true, but sure that it was true enough that he didn't have to say he was. "There's no way Iruka would let me do anything that was dangerous, he's too much of a wimp for that."

Ino giggled.

"He does worry a lot," she said. "But I like him, he's nice. I mean, he cares."

"I suppose."

"I wish my dad had been more like him."

When Sasuke glanced over at her, the frown on Ino's face turned to a not overly happy smile.

"He was an asshole," she said, her eyes focused on her hands that fiddled with the dark strands of Ursa's mane. "Completely useless. Mom kicked him out years ago. Just as well."

Then she looked up and had to squint because the sun had come out from the clouds again and hit her face.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun. Do you know your real parents?"

For a moment Sasuke wondered how she knew; then he realized it wasn't much of a secret, that Kakashi wasn't his real dad. But before he could say anything Ino slapped a hand over her face and apologized.

"I didn't mean to ask you that," she said, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, I… I get nervous and talk too much. Okay, I'll shut up now. I'm sorry."

Sasuke huffed and looked out over the fields. For some reason it hadn't been cut yet, like most of the other fields. He wondered why, but not enough to ask. There was a slight wind today, chilly, and the grass moved slowly, leisurely. The sky was blue, where the clouds let it show. Since they left Sachiko-baachan's house, more and more sky had gotten visible.

"It's fine," he said and didn't look at Ino; not because he didn't want to look at her but because he liked the view of the grass. It reminded him of water.

It reminded him of that lake his family had taken trips to when he was a kid. His brother had crouched and let Sasuke climb up on his shoulders in the water, then he had stood up quickly, sending Sasuke flying high before splashing down into the water again. It had felt like he was flying, and for a short moment he was. He still remembered how it had made his stomach feel.

Sasuke still had pictures from those trips, and a video clip. No one had let him destroy them when he had wanted to and these days... he was starting to become grateful of that.

"I did know them," he said. "They were nice."

"Okay," Ino said. Her voice was subdued, her cheerfulness gone. Sasuke sensed she wanted to apologize again, but somehow kept herself from it. He didn't mind her question, not really. People very rarely asked him about his parents; Naruto hadn't even asked yet, that said a lot. The stupid, usually so talkative... Sasuke rolled his eyes and grumbled just thinking about him. Naruto probably worried about Sasuke being alone with Ino, and he would go crazy if he knew they were talking like this. So stupid. But he could have that, the bastard, for sneaking off like that without saying a thing. The Konohamaru brat was probably in heaven.

"You shouldn't fall in love with me," Sasuke said; not because he wanted to be cruel or teasing, but the opposite. He turned halfway and glanced up at Ino. She was blushing and looked like she didn't quite know what to do with herself. Was he really that special?

"I'm seeing this guy," he said then.

She looked sort of confused at first, frowning; then she blushed even more and for a moment looked like the world had crashed down on her head. Sasuke had time to wonder if horses ran over people if their riders told them to and if they could break through an arena fence. Then Ino broke out laughing. Ursa threw up his head, flicked his ears and took some steps to the side. She was leaning over his neck, keeping herself steady with her hands on the saddle. Sasuke frowned at first; then he rolled his eyes and fought his own smile but lost. He turned so she wouldn't see.

"I thought it was just a myth!" she gasped out eventually.

Ino said that she meant the way everyone (and by 'everyone' she most likely meant a few people on not very serious TV shows) said the hottest guys were always gay. Iruka was on his way back when she managed to stop laughing, at a slower pace than he had left in. She had tears running down her face and was desperately trying to dry them off. In the end she whined, sadly and pouted, looked like she was about to really start crying. But she never asked who the guy was, and Sasuke didn't feel like mentioning it.

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	37. Up high, not coming down

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 9th 2006, Saturday  
second version: October 10th 2008, Friday

.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**37: Up high, not coming down**

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_Sasuke, the horse and the world_

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It is a really strange feeling at first. It's much higher than I thought. I mean, I knew they were big and… and far from the ground, but… This far?

It feels like with every muscle this creature moves I lose my balance. I lose my center, my stability and I try not to cling to the saddle, the mane, the reins… but I do. I cling to them as if they are my sanity, and maybe they are. Maybe in some strange way of seeing things, this is my entire world and existence.

The world moves and I cling to the things that help me balance.

Maybe it's not just my world and existence that works that way, maybe that's what it's all about; for everyone. The world moves and knocks balance away from us, and we have to struggle to get it back.

But… that wouldn't be the whole truth about the world and existence, would it? What about those times when we act? When we choose to move our world, even though we know it might end up knocking us off our feet and have us struggle to gain back our balance?

And what about getting used to it? Because that 'horse moves, balance goes away, have to get it back by holding on to things' thing, that's just the beginning. Pretty soon I'm starting to get it; I'm starting to figure out how to follow the movements, to move with the muscles so that I don't lose my balance at all.

Iruka is leading Midori around the arena. He's holding onto the reins, making sure I don't pull the horse in the mouth. 'Doesn't the bit hurt?' I wonder and we go round and round. Ino is watching from Ursa's back, smiling, but not like before. She is sad and her eyes are shiny. How come I'm so special?

I don't know how many times I've passed the gate now, but my tight grip on everything, saddle, mane, reins, has loosened. I'm sitting more 'with my ass in the saddle', like Ino said I should. She has noticed and winks through her teary eyes.

What follows the beginning is the rest. I ask Iruka to let go of the reins, and seeing my posture he does, smiling. He's shown me the basics, how to steer, how to get moving, how to stop. It's easy really, once you've got the hang of it. Or maybe it's just Midori being nice.

Iruka tells me to try some circles and turn to go the other way. It goes well and Ino cheers. I sigh and shake my head at her. Iruka smiles and tells me I'm doing well. I feel like a three year old doing these simple things, now that just moving doesn't make me feel like I'm going to fall. Sure, the turning was a bit… scary is such a strong word… Turning **felt**, that sounds better. But still.

"Do you want to go faster, Sasuke-kun?" Ino yells from her horse and I look at her. Iruka does too.

"This is a good pace, Ino," he says. "It's a really good first try."

"I want to try," I say and Iruka turns to me. He's frowning.

"I don't think it would be such a…" he starts, but his voice fades out. He frowns some more and I pass a corner.

"Are you sure?" He asks.

"Yeah," I say and I get frustrated. "Tell me how."

"Just squeeze his sides some more," Ino yells. "Lean forward a bit and don't pull his mouth. Oh, and hold on to something!"

"But not the reins," Iruka says again. "It will get bumpy so be prepared."

"Alright," I mumble and do what they say; even putting a hand on the saddle. I do have time to get nervous before the horse starts moving faster.

It is bumpy. And faster. Very bumpy. My balance goes out the window again and I have to really try my hardest not to pull the reins. I throw my other hand on the saddle instead and wonder how I'm supposed to stop if I don't have any balance and no reins, but Midori stops on his own when Iruka walks to stand in his way.

"It gets easier if you stand up every other step he takes," Ino says.

"He can't learn that now," Iruka sounds annoyed, or maybe he's just worried. "Are you alright, Sasuke-kun?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie and ignore my stomach swirling with nervousness and gather up the reins again. Midori's chewing the bit like it's tasty.

"You know, Sasuke-kun," Ino says thoughtfully. "If you go up another notch in speed from that one you tried there, it gets a lot more comfortable."

"No," Iruka says. "He can't do the canter if he can't do the trot."

"It's easier!"

"How do I do it?"

For some reason I'm desperate to try. I'm desperate to go faster, not because my stomach tries to tell me it might kill me or because Iruka doesn't want me to, because I just want to go faster. I didn't have time to feel the speed before, just the bumps.

"Sasuke…" Iruka begins but I cut him off.

"How?"

I turn Midori and Ino moves closer with Ursa. She shows me what to do with my hands, with my legs, with my weight. Iruka sighs, comes over and grabs onto the reins again.

"Are you trying to prove something with this?" He says and is serious. I don't have to think before I answer, sincerely.

"No. I just want to."

He looks sort of surprised at that. As if the idea that I could 'just want' something is weird. But then he smiles for some reason and lets go of the reins; he walks away and throws his arms out and mutters that at least I'm wearing a helmet.

What follows the beginning is the rest. When the world just moving and going about its business doesn't shake us anymore, we want to make it move faster. We like that struggle, that chase for the balance we lost. We want to lose it, so we can fight to get it back. It's like that saying is true, 'you don't know the true value of something until you've lost it.'

I like this speed, I like it very much. It tickles my stomach and chills my face and my hands. It makes my bangs fly and my body moves with the horse without me even trying. It's like a fast and repeating wave that's been glued to me. It's unstable but still for some reason impossible to go wrong with.

I hear the wind in my ears and I hear the horse breathe. I hear the hooves against the ground.

My vision is blurred and I don't think about anything.

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	38. Seriously considering

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 10th 2006, Sunday  
second version: October 14th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**38: Seriously considering**

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_Naruto, Konohamaru and Kakashi_

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Konohamaru was getting a lot of fish, it wasn't fair. The only thing Naruto had gotten so far was one lousy bass that had been small enough to fit in his hand. Konohamaru had laughed and said he'd never seen a smaller fish. Naruto was absolutely certain that Kakashi had drenched his bait in something smelly that fish didn't like before giving it to him; that man was sneaky. And he was weird. Kakashi didn't have any bait at all on his own hook; said he didn't want to be disturbed.

Naruto was worried. But he wasn't worried about getting no fish compared to Konohamaru, not about Kakashi being weird and not about Sasuke being alone with Ino all day while he was stuck in the woods getting no fish. He was frustrated about those things, but not really worried; even though logically he should be, at least about the Sasuke and Ino alone thing, since the thing he worried about wouldn't matter if Sasuke dumped him for Iruka's aunt's daughter. Sasuke might say he was being stupid about that, but Naruto knew Ino. She was a really pretty girl!

But in reality the concern of Sasuke with Ino was small compared to the concern Naruto had about all the pieces of the puzzle that was his plan falling into place. Now, Naruto was aware that that was not something you should worry about. It was a good thing! He should celebrate. And… maybe it wasn't really worry... Maybe it was just a… a gnawing feeling he had. Maybe he was nervous. And he would think that being nervous was allowed. He'd never done anything like that before and… and according to the book, a lot of things could go wrong.

Naruto had borrowed this book from the library. An educational book. An educational book about sex. For some reason the librarian had looked very pleased. She hadn't said anything, but the look had been embarrassing enough. He'd done it because he wanted to be prepared. Naruto was an impulsive guy. Most of the times he just jumped right into things and tried his best even though he had no idea what to do and how, but that method of learning had not felt very… good in this case. And having read the book, Naruto was definitely convinced he had been right. There was so much to think about, so many preparations to be made and things to… to purchase.

Naruto hadn't borrowed the book because he thought he would need the knowledge anytime soon. He hadn't even really wanted to need it anytime soon! He was barely fifteen, after all, come on. You couldn't do **that** when you were fifteen. He had just wanted to be prepared for the day when he would need it. It would be awfully embarrassing and frustrating if the day came and they couldn't do it because they hadn't studied. But... the more Naruto had read, the more he had gotten curious. He should have foreseen that maybe, but he hadn't. At the same time as he'd gotten worried about all the things that could go wrong, he'd gotten more and more interested in seeing if he could get it right.

He'd kept the book hidden from Sasuke, of course. He didn't want Sasuke to know he was seriously considering **that**, mainly because Naruto didn't know if he really was seriously considering it; at least he hadn't known before this morning. He wasn't sure why he was so sure that the weekend two weeks from this weekend was **the** weekend, but he was, and that was why he was nervous.

Kakashi and Iruka wouldn't be home the weekend after next weekend. Kakashi had said promised that if Naruto went fishing with him and Konohamaru today he would get to be alone with Sasuke for two, maybe even three days. He should have been skeptical, it wasn't likely that Iruka would go along with another vacation right after this one, but Naruto hadn't doubted Kakashi for a second. Yes, Kakashi was weird. You weren't supposed to want to leave your kid home alone with their boyfriend. Maybe if you were innocent and didn't know what could happen, but Kakashi sure wasn't. The only times Naruto left Sasuke's house without blushing like crazy because he had gotten something condom related yelled after him was when Kakashi wasn't home. No, the man was well aware of what could happen; Naruto had seen it in his eyes when he came with the proposal earlier today.

"I've got another one!" Konohamaru screamed and jumped in the air. He pulled roughly on the fishing pole, not minding any of the advice Naruto had given him about taking it easy. But the fish stayed on anyway and flew from the water, landing on the grass.

"Look! Naruto-niichan! It's big enough to keep!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Naruto grumbled and tuned out the sounds of Konohamaru taking care of the fish. Kakashi had brought a cooling box so they could take the bigger fish home with them (though it seemed that would all be Konohamaru's fish).

Naruto had felt like a super pervert for trading a fishing trip for a weekend alone with Sasuke. He tried to reason with himself that they didn't have to do anything more than what they usually did. What they usually did was great! A weekend alone was a perfect opportunity for anything, not just for doing **it**. But there was still a gnawing feeling in the back of Naruto's mind that told him that they would so do it; **it**. He hadn't talked to Sasuke about it and he didn't have any the things they would need, but he knew they would do it.

Naruto wondered what it would be like. He had heard lots of things; Gaara wasn't shy about sharing and while Lee was a bit less eager and detailed he still talked when Naruto asked. The constantly reoccurring adjective was 'great'. When he had fallen in love with Sasuke and known he would eventually marry him, Naruto had felt so lucky to have Lee and Gaara as his friends. They knew about these things and could tell him everything he wanted to know when he wanted to know it. But it was strange, these days, when Naruto finally felt that he wanted to know, it didn't feel right to ask them.

If he asked now, he wouldn't be asking because he wanted to know about sex; he would be asking because he wanted to do it with Sasuke and there was a difference. Sex was sex; doing it with Sasuke was private. Privacy was important to Sasuke and he would be so pissed if he found out that Naruto had been talking to Gaara and Lee about what was going to be their sex. Because of that Naruto was glad that he had borrowed that book at the library, even though it was embarrassing and even though the woman had looked at him like that.

Naruto was still nervous though. Two weeks wasn't a very long time and what if he did something wrong even though he had studied? It would be their first time! In the movies the first time was like the most important event in your life, aside from marriage, and Naruto's would be two weeks from now? Would they do it on Friday or Saturday or Sunday? Two weeks from now, would they have done it already, would they do it soon or would they do it tomorrow? What would it feel like? What if Sasuke didn't want to?

"You shouldn't worry about Sasuke, Naruto," Kakashi said and Naruto snapped back to reality; for a moment he worried that he had said something out loud. Embarrassing!

"H-huh?" Naruto stammered and begged his cheeks not to blush; wanting something neutral that would work no matter what.

"You're worried that he'll get along too well with Ino-chan, aren't you?"

"He can't date neechan!" Konohamaru yelled angrily, suddenly.

"Of course, he won't," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Sasuke is gay!"

Konohamaru was frowning, looking grumpy and a mix of quite confused and very suspicious. He glared at Kakashi; threw a glare at Naruto as well, just for the sake of it.

"Wha… What's that?"

Naruto didn't want to but couldn't help himself; he snickered.

"Naruto!" Konohamaru yelled, but he seemed more upset than angry. He was pouting. "Tell me what it is!"

"Now, now; don't scare away the fish, Konohamaru-kun," Kakashi said, still smiling. "And don't mind Naruto. It's my fault for being vague. That Sasuke is gay means that he's not interested in dating girls. He wants to date boys."

Konohamaru made a face.

"Eww."

Naruto groaned and threw out his arms.

"You can't say 'eww', you idiot!" he yelled. "Kakashi's dating a guy too!"

Konohamaru frowned and seemed to think. That kid was such an idiot sometimes.

"Oh, yeah…" he said thoughtfully. Kakashi didn't seem at all bothered. He was still smiling.

"So you see," he continued. "You're probably in more trouble than Ino-chan is."

The kid thought some more. Then he blushed furiously.

"Eww! I wouldn't date him! Eww!"

Konohamaru shuddered and turned back to his fishing, muttering something about 'I knew he was a lesbian…' Naruto didn't have the energy to comment, just sighed tiredly and watched the surface of the water again. It was slightly rippled, the tree tops above their head waving slowly in a wind; the sun peeking down between branches. Then Naruto realized, and turned frowning to Kakashi.

"He's really gay?" he said, his voice low enough that Konohamaru wouldn't hear. Kakashi looked sort of mischievous, but at the same time serious. It was hard to tell with him.

"Well," the man said. "I've never ever seen him with a girl, and with the harem of followers he's got it wouldn't be hard for him to find one."

Naruto grumbled. That was too true.

"I've never heard anything about a girl either," Kakashi continued. "Just guys."

"Really?" Naruto said. "Just guys?"

Kakashi smiled and nodded. Naruto thought for a moment.

"That… That Neji guy?" he asked eventually, when he'd gathered enough courage. "Do you know him?"

"A Neji guy?" Kakashi looked thoughtful, then seemed to remember. "Oh, the Neji guy. Yeah, I know him, a bit. I've seen him."

"R-really? What… What's he like? Is he really cool? Really good-looking?"

"He's… humm, not very social. He's the strong, silent type that looks cranky all the time. And yeah, I suppose he's good-looking, for a kid."

"That sounds like Sasuke."

Kakashi seemed to think about that before he nodded.

"Yeah," he said. "They have a lot in common."

Then Kakashi looked more mischievous again.

"Are you worried that he will steal Sasuke away from you?"

"N-No," Naruto sputtered and turned back to the water. "I'm not worried."

Because Neji was far away, right?

"Good!" Kakashi sounded cheerful again. Then his voice lowered to a mutter. "Neji is not the one you should be worrying about."

"Huh?"

"Oh! It looks like you've got one biting."

"Eh? Ah! I do!"

It was a big one too. Bigger than most of Konohamaru's.

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	39. Safe

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 14th 2006, Thursday  
second version: October 17th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**39: Safe**

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_Naruto and Sasuke_

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"I missed you!" Naruto threw himself at Sasuke and wrapped his arms around his neck. Sasuke yelped and stumbled, had to grab on to a bedpost to not fall down on the bed.

"Don't do that!" he complained and sighed, as soon as his balance was restored. Naruto was way too old and way too heavy to throw himself at people like that.

"But I missed you," the blond whined into Sasuke's ear. "The woods were really lonely without you and Konohamaru got almost all the big fish and you were with **her**."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Serves you right," he muttered. "Tell me next time you leave like that."

Naruto had nuzzled his face into Sasuke's neck but now he lifted it again and looked into Sasuke's eyes. He was pouting, biting his bottom lip.

"Sorry," he said, his voice low, so not like him. "It was just that…"

Then his voice trailed off. Sasuke waited a moment; then he sighed and looked away.

"Whatever," he muttered. "It's fine."

Naruto pressed himself closer again and talked into Sasuke's skin.

"Kakashi came up with this deal," he said and Sasuke barely heard the muffled words. Sasuke frowned. He didn't need any more than that to smell the trouble and potential embarrassment.

"Do I want to know?"

Naruto didn't move all the way back this time; didn't look Sasuke in the eyes.

"He said he would take Iruka on vacation the weekend after next weekend if I went fishing with him and Konohamaru. But then Iruka came back from his walk so we had to hurry and I wanted to go tell you but we didn't have time. Kakashi said you'd be fine. I don't want you to be angry with me."

Naruto and Kakashi and the brat had come home in time for Sachiko-baachan to cook some of their fish for dinner. There hadn't been much room for alone time before they ate and during dinner; Naruto had tried with hints and winks and not too subtle suggestions, but Sasuke hadn't felt like responding and had avoided looking at the blond sitting opposite him. When they were leaving the table, Iruka had called Naruto back and Naruto had asked Sasuke to wait for him. But Sasuke hadn't.

Eventually Sasuke sighed in Naruto's arms. No, Sasuke hadn't liked the way Naruto ran off without saying a word, especially since he knew the friction between him and Iruka, but the day hadn't turned out too bad in the end. Sasuke hadn't been very angry. His ignoring had been to make a point and he was done with that now or he wouldn't be here. He wished Naruto could just start the kissing to make up already. This making a big deal of it only made Sasuke more convinced that Kakashi wasn't the only one matching perverted things with being home alone with your boyfriend.

"Weekend without parents, huh?" Sasuke said. "Typical Kakashi bribe. He's such a pervert."

"I'm sorry," Naruto said again. Either he didn't think about how a 'yeah' would have made it seem less like he was perverted too or he didn't want to paint a false image. Sasuke's stomach swirled. He didn't want to let his thoughts wander.

"Forget about it," he said and put an arm around the blond's neck. The gesture had Naruto pull himself closer, wrapping his arms tighter around Sasuke. Sasuke rolled his eyes. So overdramatic.

For once it was Sasuke that had to coax Naruto into the kissing; for once the blond wasn't eagerness on legs but content with just clinging to Sasuke like a leech. It both bothered and pleased Sasuke that for once he could get things started. Pleased, because who said it was just Naruto that could start things? Bothered, because it reminded him of how often it **was** Naruto that started things. It was only in the beginning though, that Naruto was reluctant. After a few kisses and a few hands over skin the blond was back to being his normal hungry self. Sasuke let himself be pushed down on the mattress and enjoyed the feel of the weight on his body and the hands under his shirt.

He hadn't imagined that something like this could feel this nice, nice like this. He felt safe under that weight and those warm hands. For a short moment the feeling of safety overwhelmed him; he had to smile and felt tears tugging at his eyes. He was relieved that Naruto was busy tasting his throat and didn't see. It was weird. It wasn't supposed to feel safe or calm like this. It was making out! It was supposed to be needy and hot, but Sasuke only felt the calm and the safety. He recognized it from somewhere, but couldn't for the life of him understand from where. But he had missed it.

"Thank you," Sasuke whispered. For some reason he'd turned into the overdramatic, emotional one.

Naruto made a questioning sound and looked up, at which Sasuke's smile widened. The blond pouted when he saw.

"Why are you looking like that?" he said, sounded whiny. "Are you laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing at you, stupid," Sasuke said, surprised by the softness in his own voice. The pout stayed on Naruto's lips for a while, then he broke out in a smile of his own, that quickly turned to a grin.

"You are!" He accused. "You're laughing at me! Sasuke-bastard."

Sasuke snorted.

"Retard."

"Bastard."

But there was no such thing as an end to their smiles. Maybe there was something in this room that brought smiles to Sasuke so easily. Maybe it was this place, or maybe it was just the company.

They were leaving soon, were supposed to pack their things actually. Sasuke supposed he should be worried about someone finding them, but he wasn't. Well, he was. But he was more worried about having to spend all those hours in the car, knowing he wouldn't get to be close to Naruto like this until they got home. Besides, they were just going to kiss, and touch a little.

Sasuke pulled Naruto's head down and the blond kissed him. Their tongues melted together and Naruto licked behind Sasuke's teeth.

"Your mouth tastes like ice cream," Naruto said when their lips parted.

"Yours does too."

At that Naruto giggled, his face wrinkled up in a smile. They had had ice cream for dessert after the fish dinner. Naruto moved backwards and sat down between Sasuke's legs. He pulled up Sasuke's shirt slightly, slightly, just revealing a thin line of skin, and then he bathed that skin with kisses. Decent kisses at first, then sloppier with tongue and nibbles of teeth. The tongue was tickling and Sasuke had to smile. His hands found Naruto's hair.

"Hey," he said warningly, still smiling. "Don't get carried away now."

Kisses on the mouth and some touching under the shirt was one thing, but kisses under the shirt was another and this wasn't exactly the safest places to do other things.

"Pfft… I never get carried away," Naruto grinned, meeting Sasuke's eyes from his place between Sasuke's legs. It sent a nice shiver through his body and Sasuke had to swallow and lick his lips. Naruto lifted the shirt slightly, slightly more and darted out his tongue again; licking, not taking his eyes off Sasuke. Did he know how hot that looked?

"I want to taste your nipples."

"No way," Sasuke grabbed Naruto's hands. That was so not appropriate here, and especially not now.

"Come on," Naruto said, not seeming troubled at all by the fact that anyone could walk in at any time. He rested his chin on Sasuke's stomach. "I like the way they feel."

"That's not the point," Sasuke glared.

"But they change in my mouth," he said. "It's cool."

Naruto sounded both like he had no idea why nipples hardened and like he knew exactly why, like a child and a pervert at the same time; or just a pervert playing innocent so he wouldn't be just pushed away. It was frustrating, and at the same time kind of exciting.

"Naruto. No."

Naruto was still grinning however and Sasuke's shirt was inching up his stomach, slowly, slowly. Sasuke sighed and narrowed his eyes warningly. Then the sound of feet approached quickly and the door opened even faster. They had time to be horrified but not for much more than that.

"Naruto-niichan, can you fix this thing for me before you…?"

Sasuke supposed he looked like one of those overacting actors in those 'I'm really caught now, right?' moments in movies; Naruto sure did. Konohamaru had stopped in the door and his forehead was deeply wrinkled by his frowning. It was all silent and embarrassing and no one moved.

One part of Sasuke's brain wanted him to throw a blanket over his head and never come out again, but another was thinking that maybe it was best to pretend everything was normal and not embarrassing. After all, it wasn't like the brat was intelligent.

"W-what thing?" Naruto eventually managed to get out, followed by a weak laugh. The frown on the kid's face grew even deeper.

"What are you doing?" he said slowly.

Naruto pulled Sasuke's shirt down quickly.

"Playing," he said.

"Fighting," Sasuke said at the same time.

They glanced at each other quickly and then looked back to Konohamaru. His frown was not leaving. He was not leaving.

"Which is it?"

"Both," Sasuke said and hurried to slap a hand over Naruto's mouth say before he could do any more damage. "Could you close the door and leave us alone?"

The frowning, suspicious look turned to a death-glare, or as much of a death-glare as the brat was capable of.

"I'm not talking to you!"

"Then go away!"

"Guys!" Naruto pulled the hand off his mouth. He seemed sort of pleased with himself actually, under the blush. But of course, the guy probably loved the attention. "Now, don't fight over me. Konohamaru, I'll see you about that later, okay? I've got to beat Sasuke in this… err... this play-fight first, but that will be quick."

Sasuke closed his eyes and groaned. Naruto acted like he was some sort of grown-up company manager, if he hadn't been so embarrassed Sasuke would have laughed.

"Fine," Konohamaru growled and glared like he was trying to poison Sasuke with his eyes. "But don't let him win. I think he's trying to date you."

"Ah, I… I won't let him win!" Naruto grinned stupidly. Then the door closed and the blond dropped his forehead on Sasuke's stomach with a defeated sigh.

"You won't let me win?" Sasuke raised a brow.

"He's so stupid," Naruto moaned.

Sasuke snorted.

"Then there's two of you," he said. Then he yelped as Naruto pinched one of his nipples.

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	40. This place

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 14th 2006, Thursday  
second version: October 17th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**40: This place**

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_Sasuke and Naruto_

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After their stop at the gas station one hour from Sachiko-baachan's house, Kakashi had offered to drive the rest of the way home. Iruka had agreed and fallen asleep in the passenger seat almost immediately. Naruto had taken the opportunity of Iruka asleep to take off his seatbelt and lie down on his back with his head in Sasuke's lap. Sometimes his eyes were closed and sometimes he was watching Sasuke. All the time he looked content, relaxed. Happy.

It was dark. The lights from cars the only source of light outside. Inside there was only the instrument board. Now Naruto was watching. Sasuke felt a surge of nervousness, then he swallowed and asked.

"Naruto?"

"Hm?" the blond hummed.

"This week," Sasuke said. "There's this place I have to... want to go to. Do you want to go with me?"

Sasuke glanced at the rear-view mirror and Kakashi looked at him. A bit surprised.

"This week?" the man asked in a low, soft voice.

"Yeah," Sasuke said and he asked with his eyes if it was alright. If this week was alright and Naruto going with him was alright. Kakashi's eyes smiled.

"Good idea," he said. Sasuke gave a small smile of his own and then he looked back down at Naruto. The blond was smiling too.

"I want to go with you anywhere," he said.

Sasuke's smile stumbled, then it grew and he closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again. Naruto was still there. Sasuke slipped his fingers through his hair.

"Where are we going?"

"To meet someone. In the city."

Naruto's face lit up.

"Cool!" he exclaimed in a whisper; didn't want to wake Iruka. "I haven't been there in ages. You can show me all the cool places."

Sasuke kept his smile, though it grew more solemn. He didn't want to spoil the fun by saying they probably wouldn't have time for any cool places. Sasuke wouldn't have the energy for them either. Naruto's hair was soft to touch and felt really nice between his fingers. Sasuke hoped with all his heart that Shikamaru was right and it would be fine. He really wanted things to be fine.

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	41. Stroll across the ceiling

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 18th 2006, Monday  
second version: October 21st 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**41: Stroll across the ceiling**

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It felt strange, being back home again; the house was so quiet compared to Sachiko-baachan's. There was the TV making muffled noises downstairs, but Sasuke's room was quiet. It was strange. Outside it had been much quieter there, no cars and no civilization, but inside it had been friendly and alive; warm. Even when there hadn't been any noise that house hadn't felt quiet. It didn't make sense, but at the same time it did. As if the sounds stayed when they should have gone.

Sasuke was lying on his back in his own bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the mumbling TV. His teeth were brushed and the clothes he would wear to school tomorrow were folded and placed beside the bed. It was late, well after midnight, and he should be sleeping. He was tired, but something kept him awake; sleep wouldn't come.

It could be that he had slept through most of the car ride home, or it could be that he was anxious about the upcoming visit. Sasuke didn't feel any anxiety at the moment, not even when he thought about it, but he supposed he had to be concerned. He would call Tsunade tomorrow, as she needed to know what he had planned to make the necessary arrangements. Sasuke had decided that Tuesday was a good day. There were few classes in school and the ones they had were not overly important to attend. It was also fairly early in the week and Sasuke wanted the whole thing over with. He would have to talk to Naruto as well, about whether he wanted to try to convince Iruka to let him take the day off or just skip.

Sasuke sighed and rolled over to the side, facing the wall. He wondered what Naruto would say. He would have to tell the blond if things were to make sense. Some sense. It wasn't that Sasuke didn't want him to know; he did, in a way, it was just that... It was a serious thing to share; it could make a difference. Sasuke didn't really think it would; it didn't seem like Naruto's style to let something, anything, change his mind, but... It wasn't the kind of thing you heard and then just forgot about. It didn't have to be big consequences, the little ones could be just as changing. What if it changed the way Naruto looked at him? Sasuke knew the pitying looks and hated them.

He must have finally fallen asleep because Sasuke heard no steps before the soft knock on the door. The sudden sound made him flinch.

"Yeah?"

"Are you awake, Sasuke?"

"Yeah," Sasuke sighed, annoyed; as if he had to ask when Sasuke had already answered. When the door opened, the room was illuminated by the light in the hallway. The light was blocked again when Kakashi came in and closed the door. Sasuke turned over on his back again.

"Can I come in?" Kakashi asked.

"You are in," Sasuke muttered and the man smiled. He made his way over to the bed and lay down beside Sasuke, scooting the boy over. He smelled like Kakashi and it felt comforting, but Sasuke had to frown anyway.

"I said you could come in, not take up the bed."

"Details," Kakashi said and waved a hand in the air. Sasuke sighed. They lay there for a moment, in silence. A car drove by on the street outside and by some physics law the lights from it took a stroll across the ceiling.

"What do you want?"

"Just to be social. Family quality time, you know?"

"Sounds like you've been watching too many family therapy shows with Iruka. Shouldn't you worry about my grades getting fucked up by lack of sleep?"

"Nah, you can handle it."

Sasuke snorted.

"So be social," he muttered. He knew what this was about, even though he had asked. Kakashi was worried, about the visit. He always talked to Sasuke like this before the visits.

"You'll bring Naruto this time, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I think it's good that you want him to be a part of that part of your life. That kid has a good influence on you."

A smile pulled at the corner of Sasuke's lips at that and he steered the subject away from the real topic. Their talks before the visits were never very focused on the visit, just touched it softly before fluttering away again.

"I heard about your plans for two weeks from now," he said. "You're such a hypocrite. How long ago was it that you said I was too young for things like that and that you didn't want people to take advantage of me? A month?"

"Five months," Kakashi muttered. "And that was concerning old geezer pedophiles. Do you remember Iruka adopting anyone like that? Now, let me think… hmmm… I don't think he did!"

"You're saying it's okay for people to molest me just as long as they're in my age group?"

"I'm saying there's a difference between being molested and wanting to be molested."

At that Sasuke had to squeeze his eyes shut and laugh. He was too tired to stop himself. It was like they hadn't talked in months; not talked like this anyway. Kakashi kept going.

"We both know you could beat up Naruto in your sleep. That kid's not a threat to you, he's a good thing. I don't see anything wrong in helping you two lovebirds out a little. You're hormonal teenagers, it's not like I could stop you. Better to stay on your good side. Do you need any more condoms?"

"You're so embarrassing," Sasuke shook his head.

"By the way, didn't you do that already? Beat up Naruto in your sleep? Iruka told me about that sleepover and that you kicked him in the nuts."

"It wasn't like that," Sasuke said and snorted in amusement. "But yeah. Though it was more of a knee than a kick."

"What did he do?"

"None of your business."

"Stingy. I could tell you what Iruka and I…"

"No!" Sasuke interrupted and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't want to know."

Kakashi chuckled and softly pushed at the side of Sasuke's head with his knuckles. Sasuke snorted. They were silent for a moment and it felt nice. They used to have carefree talks like this when times were good; silly talks about serious things. They did shout at each other about serious things, sometimes, but they also talked like this to balance it up. They were more friends than foster parent and foster child. Maybe that was why Kakashi had given Sasuke so much freedom, still gave him so much freedom. It was the best thing maybe, best kind of relationship for them. Sasuke really couldn't imagine anything else. There were sudden bouts of parental attempts, but nothing like what Naruto got from Iruka. Sasuke didn't know if he could have accepted an Iruka-raising, really, he was happy with the arrangement that he had with Kakashi. He liked his freedom; he liked knowing that Kakashi trusted him and treated him like an equal, not as a child that needed to be raised.

Still, Sasuke had worried about himself sometimes. When he had woken up in places he didn't remember how he got to, on some stranger's sofa surrounded by other passed out drunks or in some corner on the floor, head threatening to explode, stomach in an uproar and memory somewhere between very fuzzy and nonexistent; looking like serious crap. Sasuke had worried at those times. He had seriously worried and wondered how the hell Kakashi could let him keep this up; how the hell he himself could let this keep happening. 'Fucking get a grip, Uchiha!' he would yell at himself in his head. 'You can't keep this up.' Sasuke had desperately wished at those times, for someone to just pull him out of it. Not for long, because he believed in sorting out your own messes, but for a minute.

"Have I thanked you?" he asked, eyes still fixed on the ceiling high above their heads.

"For what?"

"For this," Sasuke said softly. "All of this. I miss my friends in the city, and some of the other things as well but… It was just so chaotic back there, I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. It felt like I was just stumbling forward with my eyes closed, not caring where I ended up, as long as I didn't have to stay where I was."

Sasuke yawned. He was relaxed, he was in bed and it was late. Sleep was starting to crawl over him. He didn't want to make this more serious than it had to be.

"So I'm grateful," he said. "Thank you."

"You're a good guy, Sasuke," Kakashi said. "I know and I always knew that. Even in those really bad times, I always knew you were a good guy. I guess that's why I wanted to give you the chance to work things out yourself."

"I know. I'm grateful for that too."

"I probably wouldn't have done this if it weren't for Iruka," Kakashi said. "I don't want to make you feel like you owe him, I just want you to know."

"Shikamaru told me he was in on it too," Sasuke said.

"Yeah, I talked to him. You know I talk to him."

"I know. You two always gang up on me."

"Well, we're looking out for you. We're allowed to gang up."

Sasuke yawned again and shook his head to clear the fog that was starting to build. His head was starting to hurt a little too, from talking and thinking and staying up so late. But this was nice.

"He told me you were really worried about me."

"Of course I was. I was worried you'd end up killing yourself, one way or another."

"I was worried about that too," Sasuke said in a low voice. "That I'd end up killing myself."

The bed moved as Kakashi shifted onto his side and when Sasuke turned his head their eyes met. The man didn't look upset or worried, or maybe a little, in his eyes, but most of him was smiling softly. He reached out a hand and let his fingers move through Sasuke's bangs. Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned back toward the ceiling again.

"But you didn't," Kakashi said and Sasuke heard the smile even though he didn't see it. "And that's what matters."

Sasuke snorted in soft amusement.

"What did I do to deserve a bunch of overdramatic, mushy idiots for company?" he asked as he struggled against the smile that wanted to claim his lips and the sleep that wanted to claim his consciousness.

"Maybe it's your fault," Kakashi said. "Have you thought about that? Maybe we used to be all cool and manly until you came and made us mushy and overdramatic."

"Yeah, right," Sasuke mumbled. His eyelids were getting heavy now, falling down and blocking his sight. The mental image of Naruto being cool and manly was absurd; as well as, Sasuke had to admit it, pretty hot. He supposed that was the last thing he thought about before he finally fell asleep.

-

Sasuke's bed wasn't made to be shared. It wasn't an overly small bed, nothing like Konohamaru's, but it was still a single bed for one person. That was why Sasuke had woken up with his head stuffed in Kakashi's armpit. The bed just wasn't made for two. Who had given the bastard permission to spend the night in Sasuke's bed anyway? Sasuke sure hadn't. When Sasuke had asked Kakashi why the hell he hadn't slept in his own bed, the man had just smiled and said Sasuke had looked lonely. He had also said that Sasuke had been clinging to him so hard that he couldn't get away. Stupid bastard liar. Sasuke did not cling to people in his sleep.

With such a nightmare awakening Sasuke felt he was definitely entitled to being a bit frustrated that morning. Not that he could share his reasons with Naruto; Sasuke didn't feel it was a very good subject of conversation when they were waiting for the bus with the rest of the students from the neighborhood. 'Oh, by the way, when I woke up today I had a very close encounter with my foster dad's armpit, so forgive me if I'm not giggling as much as I usually do.' No. So Naruto didn't know that Sasuke was entitled to being frustrated . But even if he didn't, one would think that maybe the blond knew that it was perfectly normal to be frustrated now and then and just leave Sasuke alone to cool off, but noo. Apparently Sasuke didn't call him a retard for nothing.

"Come on," Naruto almost whined, his voice unusually grating on the nerves. "Why are you so pissed off?"

"I'm not pissed off," Sasuke hissed. Because he wasn't pissed off, he was frustrated.

"You liar," Naruto muttered and shifted where he stood, kicked at the ground with his toes. Sasuke couldn't help noticing. He knew he should be more civil. It wasn't Naruto's fault that he was frustrated and the sight of the blond had made Sasuke feel better. He didn't want to snap at him; especially not today, especially not this week. But he was frustrated and just couldn't help it. Stupid Kakashi.

"If you don't behave I'll kiss you," Naruto suddenly whispered a playful threat in Sasuke's ear. He had grabbed a hold of Sasuke's neck and was leaning in close. His breath danced over Sasuke's ear and neck and made Sasuke shiver, forced him to swallow, almost forced him to close his eyes. When Sasuke turned to look, Naruto didn't seem angry. He seemed happy to be there; a bit annoyed and a bit hungry, as if the mere mentioning of kissing made him want to kiss, but happy to be there. He seemed to have already gotten over Sasuke's mood.

Maybe it was because Sasuke was nervous about the visit; maybe he was more than a little frustrated. Part of him wanted so bad to give Naruto that small hint of a smile those blue eyes were searching for, hoping for; that amused 'whatever, stupid' smile. But Sasuke wasn't ready for that. Sasuke glared. It wasn't a playful or amused glare, but a fierce, angry one that changed the expression in Naruto's eyes.

"Don't you dare," Sasuke hissed slowly.

Naruto looked more than surprised and Sasuke didn't blame him. Just hours ago they'd been fine, more than fine. Sasuke didn't think he'd been this angry around Naruto, at Naruto, since they got together. The surprise was replaced by hurt and Sasuke wanted to say sorry. He knew it had just been a joke, Naruto hadn't been seriously threatening to kiss Sasuke; he had just wanted to lighten the mood and make Sasuke smile, even if it was just a little. The hurt turned to narrowed eyes and Sasuke noticed that Naruto's fists clenched.

"Oh, yeah?" Naruto raised a brow. He hesitated for a moment and seemed to consider things in his head, then he moved in for that kiss he had threatened with.

It wasn't just because of the crowd around them that Sasuke punched him; he would have punched him even if they'd been alone, though the effect was stronger now. Some bystanders gasped, some screamed, some shouted and everyone backed off. Naruto stumbled to the ground and held a hand over his cheek where the punch had fallen. The look on his face, shock, disbelief and even more hurt, twisted Sasuke's guts with regret.

The crowd had formed an oval shape of space around them. No one said anything and everyone stared. 'How long has it been since Sasuke and Naruto beat each other up?' they had to be thinking. 'They are friends now, aren't they?'

Sasuke found anger in Naruto's eyes; anger and sadness and shock and confusion. 'What did I do?' 'What's wrong?' 'What are you doing?' Sasuke wanted to know those same things. 'What am I doing?' Then the bus came and stopped and Sasuke snarled and turned away. The crowd moved to give him room as he walked and Naruto shouted his name, but Sasuke didn't stop.

'I'm so fucked up,' he thought; but he couldn't stop.

-

For the first time since Sasuke had come to this place, he rode the bus alone. He had hoped that Naruto would be stubborn and take the seat beside him, but the blond had walked by without even a glance in Sasuke's direction and taken a seat further down. Usually things like that pissed Sasuke off even more, but this time it only made him sad. Apparently that punch had made the rest of the crowd wary, even the girls, so no one else took that empty seat beside him. Until, of course, the crowd of old women, the Grannies, Naruto's worst nightmare, got on. One particularly large granny sat down next to Sasuke and within minutes she was asleep. When the bus stopped at the school Sasuke had to climb over the seat in front of his to get out, because the old hag just wouldn't wake up. It was outrageous. Even more outrageous was the fact that Naruto didn't stop to laugh at him.

In history their teacher sorted everyone into pairs and told them they were doing a short project where they would be given a historic event to make a story out of and at the end of next week's Monday class they would go visit a lower grade class and share it. Sasuke got paired up with Sakura and Naruto with one of Sasuke's fan girls. The blond seemed excited about the assignment, but the girl kept sighing and rolling her eyes at pretty much everything he said or came up with. Sasuke heard her say that Naruto was stupid and that it was best if he just listened while she made up the plans. Sasuke had a burning urge to go over there and punch her in the face too, for talking like that to his boyfriend. It burned almost as strongly as the desire to wipe the bruise off Naruto's face.

When first class was over Sasuke got called to the school counselor's office. On his way there he saw Naruto talk to the school nurse, fake smiling and gesturing and saying 'it's okay! I'm fine!' The image stayed with Sasuke and tore at his heart and blocked out most of what the school counselor said; but she was an idiot anyway.

Sasuke skipped lunch that day for the first time since Naruto started to make him go to the canteen. He had planned to go. He had planned to go to Naruto, make up and then go together with him. But Naruto was nowhere to be found when lunchtime arrived. Despite his stomach's protests and the November cold Sasuke went to his smoking table behind the school and smoked.

Usually when days started out bad and got worse and worse as they went on, Sasuke got more and more frustrated as a result. Like that first day in school, he would get angrier and angrier until he ended up a complete wreck when he came home and had to sleep it off. This day however, he didn't get angrier. Instead, as the day got worse Sasuke became more remorseful and sad, wishing he hadn't thrown that punch, wishing he wasn't such a fucked up person.

He knew it was just because of the visit. He was always like this before and after, reacted differently or more strongly or in some cases not at all; actually this today was nothing compared to how it had been. The visits disrupted him, he knew that. He should have warned Naruto. This had almost nothing to do with Naruto.

If they were still fighting tomorrow, Sasuke would have to call Shikamaru, as he wasn't allowed to go on the visits alone yet. Between second and third class, Sasuke had called Tsunade and asked her to make the arrangements. Part of him had wanted to reschedule, decide on another date because of the fight and because going without Naruto felt very wrong. But Sasuke had known that this was not something he could reschedule. If he could he would always and it was important that he went. Not even if he got physically ill did he cancel those visits. Tsunade had dragged him there once with a near lethal fever and a cough from hell. Still, Sasuke really wanted Naruto to come.

"Hey, bad boy," a familiar, icy voice said suddenly, no footsteps preceding it as always, and Sasuke flinched and lost his thoughts. Gaara stood beside him with a small paper bag in one hand.

"What do you want?" Sasuke said.

"Back to violence again, huh?" The redhead's lips curled to a small, icy smile. "What did he do? Grope you in public? Make an indecent proposal? Did he touch you someplace...?"

"I was having a bad morning," Sasuke interrupted. "But I shouldn't have hit him."

"He doesn't want to talk about it," Gaara continued musingly. "When I pressured him he said it was his fault; that he had provoked you. I'm just curious, what did he do?"

"It wasn't his fault," Sasuke said and he found his throat was thicker than it should be. Damn those pre-visit nerves, making him so emotional. It was like he was on some medication. He was so messed up.

"I'm just fucked up."

Gaara pulled at Sasuke's sleeve to sit them both down on the bench by the table and for minutes they just sat there. Sasuke struggled against stupid tears that shouldn't be there and embarrassment and anger towards himself and regret, and Gaara just waited.

"Naruto wants to make up," the redhead said eventually. "He's just stubborn, proud and confused."

He got off the bench and stretched.

"You have some groveling to do, I'm afraid; if you want him back under your clothes."

Then he turned and handed Sasuke the bag he'd been holding.

"Have some apples," he said.

Sasuke hesitated a second before taking the bag. Groveling? He couldn't tell if Gaara was being sincere or if he was overreacting.

"Thanks."

Gaara turned then and walked away, raising a hand in a 'see you' and reminding Sasuke of Shikamaru so much that he had to wipe his eyes with a sleeve.

-

Naruto was in the corridor when Sasuke found him, talking to a guy Sasuke only knew by name. He pretended that he hadn't seen Sasuke but Sasuke saw the signs in shifting feet and fiddling fingers and fading smile.

"Naruto," Sasuke said and the corridor grew quieter. The students around turned to look their way, curious of course, as students tended to be. The whole school had been buzzing about the incident this morning, about Sasuke punching Naruto in the face again and the friends not talking since.

The blond looked even less cheerful and glared at Sasuke without really turning. The guy that only had a name looked as well.

"What do you want?" Naruto muttered.

"I want to talk," Sasuke said and hid his hands in his pockets.

"Maybe I don't wanna talk to you."

"You can just listen."

Naruto sniffed and looked away, looked back again.

"Fine! So talk."

"Not here, stu…" Sasuke stopped himself before he could finish, remembering that annoying, rude girl and her stupid-comments. "Not here. Please."

He also remembered Gaara's groveling comment. The others around them weren't familiar enough with Sasuke to notice the difference, but Naruto was. His angry stubbornness was disrupted by surprise when Sasuke avoided the s-word and added politeness. Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and sniffed again.

"Fine, whatever," he grumbled and came closer. Sasuke turned and walked and Naruto followed.

The students were decent enough not to follow, most of them at least; but even when they reached the most remote corridors and no one was in sight, Sasuke still felt uncomfortable to talk.

"So how far do you wanna go, Sasuke-bastard?" Naruto muttered. "We're gonna be late for class."

Sasuke sighed as well, frustrated again. Yeah, it was his fault and he probably deserved it, but couldn't the blond maybe not rub it in as much? Then Sasuke saw the door. He had to frown and consider for a moment; maybe that was overdoing it a bit? But, coming to the conclusion that it wasn't, he grabbed a hold of Naruto's wrist and, ignoring the yelp and slight struggle from the blond, dragged him into the girl's bathroom. He locked the door behind them before flicking on the light. At first Naruto just stared in surprise, then he made a tired but at the same time amused sound and fell back against the door.

"You're so weird, Sasuke," he sighed. There was a hint of a smile in his eyes, wasn't there? The bruise looked even worse close up. Sasuke had been haunted by it all day.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said. "I shouldn't have hit you."

"That's right!" Naruto said. "You shouldn't have hit me."

He sniffed and crossed his arms over his chest again.

"It hurt," he continued. "And it wasn't my face."

"I know. I'm just… I had a bad... morning."

"I had a bad morning too," Naruto said. "I woke up and you weren't there. It was weird to wake up and not have you there. I missed you."

Sasuke sighed, considered, then sighed again.

"I woke up in Kakashi's armpit."

Naruto looked like he was starting to suspect that this day was actually a dream and that he would wake up soon.

"Huh?"

"We talked last night," Sasuke said and looked away and hoped he wasn't blushing. He hoped Naruto's growing suspicions were right and this was just a dream. "I fell asleep and he was being a stupid asshole and didn't leave."

Naruto still looked like he didn't quite believe what he was hearing, not too hard to understand maybe.

"It was a bad way to wake up!" Sasuke threw out with his arms and wished they could just get off the subject.

Finally Naruto snickered and a real, honest smile spread across his face.

"In his armpit?" he raised a brow. "Eww."

Then, before the moment left them, Naruto came over, threw his arms around Sasuke and hugged him hard. Sasuke's entire being seemed to sigh with relief as he could wrap his arms around Naruto's neck. He closed his eyes and felt the smell of him calm his nerves. Everything **was** going to be fine.

"And I was nervous," Sasuke gave his other reason. "About tomorrow."

"We're going tomorrow? To the city?" Naruto asked and the use of 'we' had Sasuke's throat grow thicker again.

"Yeah," he said and hid his face in the skin under Naruto's ear. "If you want to."

"I want to," Naruto said. "Sorry for trying to kiss you."

"Don't be sorry."

They stood there for what felt like a long time. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, but they stayed still. Sasuke could hear and feel Naruto's heart beat against his chest as time passed outside the bubble that was them. Again he felt safe. It was unreasonable.

"Though," Naruto's voice vibrated against Sasuke and he could hear the grin. "You owe me now, don't you?"

Sasuke felt a swirl dance through his stomach as he recognized the teasing playfulness in Naruto's voice. He knew that voice. But this was school!

"Why?" Sasuke asked as in 'what will you make me do if I say yes?'

Naruto snorted a giggle.

"You do, don't you?" he said. A hand slipped under Sasuke's shirt and traced softly over his skin, up his side. A soft pair of moist lips pressed against the place where his neck turned to shoulder. Sasuke closed his eyes and the mental image from last night of a cool and manly Naruto teased him. Maybe not so absurd, but definitely still hot. Very inappropriate here though. Not that it mattered to Naruto.

"Yeah," Sasuke murmured. "I owe you."

Naruto made an amused humming sound of approval and then his hands wandered. One moved to Sasuke's lower back outside the clothes and pulled them closer together; the other trailed over Sasuke's skin, from his side to his front and then without any warning dropped into his pants. Sasuke's hips jerked and he had to choke down a yelp and pull his arms harder around Naruto's neck.

"What are you doing?" he breathed; his eyes squeezed shut and his knees were very happy that the hand on his back was there to help hold him up. There wasn't a trace of hesitation or awkwardness in Naruto's hand as it first trailed around, then wrapped around Sasuke. Either he had forgotten where they were or he didn't care; or maybe it was a blurred combination of the two, as in Sasuke's case. Sasuke couldn't remember if he really locked the door, and wondered what the school counselor would say if he hadn't and one of the teachers walked in. What would happen to his reputation if he hadn't and someone else walked in?

"You feel good," Naruto breathed against Sasuke's neck, though that made no sense.

"So do you," Sasuke said before whining a pant, not able to control his voice as the fingers stumbled upon a particularly sensitive spot and pressed just right. Then the touch softened some, but Naruto spoke before Sasuke could complain.

"Come on," he said. "Let's move over here."

He walked Sasuke backwards until Sasuke's back pressed against the wall. The hand that had been steadying him before moved forward and started to fumble with opening Sasuke's pants.

"You don't need to..." Sasuke breathed.

"Don't wanna get them dirty," Naruto muttered, concentrated on his task that didn't seem so easy with just one hand. Sasuke slipped a hand down to help him and being two made things easier. But when Sasuke's pants and underwear had fallen to the floor and his hand wandered to Naruto for returning favors, Naruto stopped him.

"Ah, just you, okay?" he smiled softly as Sasuke frowned. "You owe me, remember?"

"But you..."

"I like making you feel good," Naruto explained before Sasuke could finish and his cheeks gained some color, as if that was embarrassing. Sasuke looked at him, surprised, for a moment, then his eyes softened and he smiled and kissed him. When Naruto's tongue entered Sasuke's mouth the hand started moving again and Sasuke had to moan. Naruto kept going until the end.

When they walked into biology together fifteen minutes late the teacher and many of their classmates were smiling as if they knew exactly what had happened. The friends had made up and all was well again. As if they knew. It was embarrassing, but the reason for their lateness was completely worth it.

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	42. So glad you came

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 24th 2006, Sunday  
second version: October 24th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**42: So glad you came**

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"Do you see that building over there?"

"Where?"

"There, with the red roof."

"Oh, yeah! That one. I see it."

"I went to school there."

Naruto turned to Sasuke, his mouth open in surprise.

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

"Second to sixth grade," Sasuke said. He put his elbow back onto the narrow windowsill, his chin back in his hand and looked out at the city passing by. It was quite a difference from the view he'd been watching when they went to Sachiko-baachan's; and yet... similar, in ways; it was as dense as the forest, if buildings had been trees. They were on a bus approaching the city central station, where they would change to a different bus. Sasuke wasn't sure exactly what bus they would have to take, hadn't gone that direction from the central station before, but they had time. They had all the time in the world.

"We lived not far from here," he continued. "But there are too many buildings in the way, you can't see it."

Naruto made a disappointed sound and Sasuke glanced over his shoulder to find the blond pouting. He had to smile. He lifted his hand and dragged softly along Naruto's cheek with the palm. Naruto snapped out of his pout and looked surprised instead, then he smiled too. Sasuke was in a weird 'calm before the storm' or 'serenity before the execution' mood; he wasn't entirely sure which one was more accurate.

"Where did you go in the first grade?" Naruto asked.

"I was still hospitalized in the first grade. They had this special class in the building."

The blond was quiet for a moment before asking.

"A retard class?" he sounded almost hopeful.

"No," Sasuke sighed. "Not a retard class."

-

Sasuke was frowning. His head was starting to hurt, or spin, or why not both? There were people everywhere and there was this constant noise of people and doors and walking and echoes that Sasuke knew he'd been very used to only months before. It had made him feel relaxed and at home only months ago and now it was giving him a headache and made it hard for him to think. They were at the station and he was trying to figure out which bus they had to take by looking at a big map on the wall. Even though he had lived in the city for years, Sasuke wasn't very familiar with the maps. He hadn't often used them for reference; he had known his routes or gone with friends that did.

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" Naruto asked. Sasuke knew he was frowning too. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was probably tapping his toes to the concrete. Sasuke had his back to the blond but he knew.

"Could you shut up? I'm trying to think."

"So rude," Naruto sighed. "Hey, I'll go see if they have anything to eat at that shop over there, okay? Come and get me when you've deciphered this thing."

"Don't get lost," Sasuke mumbled.

"I won't get lost, it's like right over there!" the blond sounded insulted. Sasuke heard him walk off. It should be impossible with all the people walking around them, but Sasuke was sure he heard Naruto's steps.

Sasuke was not only disturbed by the slowly increasing headache; he was distracted by just being here; because he was supposed to know this place. He'd been here so many times that he should know it like he'd known the old apartment. Well, not the maps… But most of everything else. He recognized the graffiti and the stickers on the railings, the posters and the staff behind the counters selling tickets. He used to buy cigarettes at the shop Naruto was headed to and would probably recognize the one behind the counter; and they would recognize him, unless they had hired someone new. He had been here alone and with his friends. He'd been here during the day, when it was crowded and bustling like now, and at night when it could get almost empty. He'd been here because he needed to go somewhere else and because it was a nice place to spend his time.

If Sasuke turned he would see the graffiti-covered bench where he and Neji had made out after that party when Shikamaru had suggested they try and make something serious of their fooling around. An old couple had caught them and the lady had been so shocked she had dropped her purse. The old man had first just stood staring, then, when the lady slapped him into it, he had yelled and chased them off. Sasuke and Neji had both agreed afterwards that while it was horribly pathetic of them to run from an old man like that, they hadn't really had a choice. You didn't beat up the elderly, but you didn't get yourself beaten up by them either. Sasuke had to send a smile toward the colored paths on the map when he remembered. But he didn't want to turn and see the bench. It was painful, knowing that he wouldn't know this place like that anymore. It hurt knowing that his memory would fade and that this place would change. There were already new rebellious paintings and scribbles on the walls, new posters and stickers. It was home, but home was changing. Sasuke supposed he was changing too.

Sasuke made sense of the net of colored paths on the map eventually. As Naruto still hadn't come back, he went over to the shop to find that they hadn't hired anyone new (at least they weren't working at the moment). The blond guy behind the counter looked up and his eyes, his whole face, lit up with pleasant surprise and a big smile.

"Uchiha!"

Sasuke scanned the shop, finding Naruto looking at him from the other side of the room, frowning in surprise from hearing Sasuke's name shouted out like that. He gave his blond a mute, discreet 'it's okay' signal and headed over to the counter.

"Hey, Takuya."

"Hey, man! I heard you moved out to some shitty town or village or something, is it true? I didn't believe the guys for a second at first. I mean, Uchiha Sasuke in a shitty town? But then you stopped showing and... So! Is it true? How are you?"

"It's true," Sasuke said. "And I'm good."

He didn't really know Takuya; they had mostly just met over this counter, though sometimes downtown as well. He was a cheerful, talkative guy most of the times, but apparently had a violent streak as well, especially when he was drunk; or so Sasuke had heard.

"Yeah, you look good! Real good to see you, man. So, did you move back or something? I've missed my favorite customer."

Actually, now that Sasuke thought more about it and saw that look in Takuya's eyes, he remembered that he didn't just know the guy from buying cigarettes and random encounters downtown. They had played around some one night; it hadn't been anything overly serious, but then again, nothing overly innocent either; and when Sasuke thought even more about it, he also remembered that it hadn't been too long between that night and Sasuke moving away.

"I didn't move back," Sasuke said. "Just came for a visit."

"Aww… And you stopped by to see me?" Takuya grinned and put a hand on his chest in 'I'm flattered'. "I'll remember to thank Mio for forcing her shift on me."

Sasuke kept smiling, because he was a polite person when he wanted to be and there was no reason for anything else. There was reason to worry however, with that look in Takuya's eyes and Naruto's presence. He had approached them, Sasuke felt it, and now it seemed Takuya noticed as well, looking over Sasuke's shoulder. He waved at Sasuke to move with an apologetic raise of his eyebrows before turning to the customer.

"Hey! What do you have for me, kid?"

Naruto stepped forward, throwing a frowning glance at Sasuke, and put a bag with some apples on the counter. The fact that he wasn't cheerful when Takuya was made Sasuke cringe and wonder how good he was at picking up on flirting. He feared he was pretty good, or maybe just overly jealous.

"Thank you," Takuya smiled his salesman smile. He put the fruit on the scales and half-glanced at Sasuke again. "So, how long are you staying? Do you have time for a coffee or something? Can't leave the shop but the machine here is good."

Sasuke was going to turn Takuya down. He knew where this was going and he wasn't interested. The guy looked hopeful and something in him reminded Sasuke of a shy, smitten girl. It was a funny contrast because Sasuke remembered he had been pretty bold that night; one of those 'let's go straight to the ass fondling' types. But before Sasuke could say anything Naruto did.

"He's not interested," the blond said, his voice dripping with venom. Takuya snapped his eyes from Sasuke to Naruto and raised a brow.

"Oh, really?" he said, not so polite anymore. "How would you know that, kid?"

"Because he's with me," Sasuke said with a sigh, before Naruto could yell it. Takuya looked back at Sasuke and looked surprised and confused at first, then 'stabbed in the guts' hurt when he realized what 'with me' meant. Hurt mixed up with anger and the smile that came was sneering; he snorted and shook his head.

"Wow," he said, practically punching at the buttons on the cash register. "I mean, I knew you were easy, Uchiha, but I..."

"Sasuke is not easy!" Naruto hollered so loud both Sasuke and Takuya flinched. The hurt and angry cashier gathered himself rather quickly though and laughed.

"No?" he snorted. "Do you have a different word for guys that sleep with every guy they come across in your village? How about 'slut'?"

"You bastard!"

As Naruto lunged forward, probably to throw himself over the counter, Sasuke stretched an arm out and grabbed a hold of his shirt to hold him back.

"Naruto!"

The blond snarled and fought to get forward.

"Let me go! I'm gonna punch out his teeth! He'll eat soup for the rest of his life!"

As if there weren't false teeth these days. Sasuke glared at Takuya, who seemed highly amused, then pulled hard at Naruto's shirt to turn him around.

"Naruto!" he yelled again, this time in his very serious voice. The blond struggled some more, half-heartedly, before stopping. If they had been alone Sasuke knew he would have pouted, but now his face was twisted in an angry snarl. He didn't look at Sasuke.

"Go out and wait for me," Sasuke said.

"What? So you can flirt with this bastard?" Naruto looked now, his eyes filled with anger and hurt too.

"Please? And wait for me. Don't get lost."

Naruto snarled and shrugged free of Sasuke's grip. He threw one last murderous glare at Takuya before stalking off. Takuya snorted.

"What a gem you've got there," he muttered. "You sure he's housebroken?"

"Could you shut up?" Sasuke sighed and grabbed the bags Naruto had left on the counter and probably forgotten all about. He was tired, that headache had gotten worse. Sasuke didn't care about what Takuya had said; he had been called worse things and the guy was just hurt. But Naruto wasn't used to the city talk and how would he know that Takuya was lying?

"Sasuke," Takuya said and his voice and his eyes seeped with the hurt he was feeling. "Look, I'm sorry about that, but are you serious with that guy? Come on."

Sasuke had had a feeling even before they made out that night and now he knew for sure. Takuya had been interested in him for quite some time, in love. Sasuke felt like an asshole.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have done what I did with you, Takuya. I didn't want what you wanted."

Takuya sniffed and crossed his arms over his chest. His back was straight.

"I knew that," he said, his voice subdued. A couple of happy, talking girls entered the shop but Takuya didn't seem to notice. "I knew I couldn't have you like I wanted to. But I got a chance to have you like you wanted to, and that's something. I wouldn't turn down a drink just because I can't have the whole bottle."

Sasuke closed his eyes and snorted; couldn't help a sad smile from wandering to his lips.

"I suppose I was hoping though," Takuya continued. "You're such a heartbreaker, Sasuke. It's not fair."

"We need to get going," Sasuke said. Takuya shrugged.

"Yeah, I figured. Will it be fine? With the guy? He seems pretty temperamental."

"He'll… be fine," Sasuke said.

"If not, you know I'll always single be for you."

Sasuke shook his head and couldn't help his sad smile from turning to an amused one. He lifted the bags.

"What do you want for this?"

"Oh, no, take it," Takuya said and waved a hand. "I ruined your date, so I owe you. You want a pack of your cigarettes too?"

"Ah…" Sasuke hesitated as his nicotine craving screamed for him to just say 'yes!' He only had a few left and was probably going to need some both before the visit and afterwards. He really should say 'yes'.

"No, thanks," he forced a weak smile, though he wanted to slap himself to reason. "I'm… trying to quit."

"Ha!" Takuya actually smiled honestly this time. "That's good! It's a nasty habit really."

"Take care, okay?" Sasuke said and the blond behind the counter nodded.

"You too."

Takuya waved and Sasuke left. He found Naruto leaning against a wall outside, arms crossed over his chest and looking at the floor.

"Hey," Sasuke said.

"Hey," Naruto mumbled, pushed away from the wall with his shoulders. "So you know where we're going now?"

"Yeah."

Sasuke held out the bags and Naruto took them.

"Thanks. I forgot," Naruto said and his voice was hard. They started walking together, side by side. Naruto's walk was hard too. "How much was it? I'll pay you back."

"It's fine."

"No, I'll pay you back," Naruto said and finally turned his head to look at Sasuke. His eyes were still angry and still hurt. "How much?"

"Nothing," Sasuke said, feeling his mood spinning away from him as well. "Takuya gave it to us."

"That's his name? I hate that name, it's ugly."

Sasuke sighed.

"You're so childish."

"I'm childish?" Naruto stopped and turned. "Why were you nice to that guy anyway? Didn't you hear what he said about you?"

Then he snorted and looked away.

"Maybe he was right," he muttered.

"Is that what you think?"

"What, am I wrong?" Naruto asked and looked at Sasuke. His eyes said he desperately wanted Sasuke to say he was wrong. Their moment seemed to be separated from the rest of the surroundings. The people moving around them turned to a blur and the sounds seemed to disappear. It hurt, inside. Sasuke's stomach had turned cold. Then the moment was over and Sasuke looked away.

"We need to go if we want to catch the bus," he said.

Naruto grumbled in reply and they started walking again.

'Yeah. You're wrong. I don't sleep with every guy I meet.' Why was it so difficult to say? It was the truth. Yeah, he had made out with a few, but not every guy; and he hadn't slept with anyone; unless what he and Naruto had done counted, then it was one. Or two, if Neji counted too, and Sasuke supposed he had to. That had been different, but they had technically done the same things.

Sasuke was frustrated; frustrated and sad. What? Naruto hadn't even kissed anyone before Sasuke, so Sasuke was a slut because he'd made out with a few guys? It was fucking stupid reasoning and Sasuke doubted that Naruto really felt that way, he was just angry, but... It hurt. Maybe, just maybe, that was what Naruto felt. It hurt even more because Sasuke had been concerned and nervous and worried about it; about sex and the fact that he barely knew a thing about it. For a moment Sasuke wondered if maybe this was how those girls felt; those girls that everyone thought were sluts when in fact they were still virgins. It made him want to go home.

-

Neither Sasuke nor Naruto spoke during the bus ride from the central station. Naruto ate two of his apples and Sasuke silently accepted the ones he silently offered him. This being a new route for him, at first the surroundings passing by as Sasuke watched through the window were new; but after a while he was starting to recognize the buildings, roads, supermarkets and shopping centers around the road. They went from one part of town to another, and yet another until, about forty minutes later, they were almost at the edge of the area that was the furthest away suburb to the city. Sasuke had thrown a glance at Naruto now and then and noticed the blond's slight surprise and confusion. This wasn't what he had expected, going to the city and ending up in a place almost like home. The first words since the city central came when they had almost arrived.

"Where are we **going**?"

The words spoken earlier still gnawed at Sasuke, but time and the silence had calmed him down and brought back his 'calm before the storm' mood.

"We're almost there," he said.

Then the bus made its last turn and Sasuke could look out and see their destination. The tall, red building was still mostly hidden by the pine grove that lay nearby it, but peeked out between the trees.

"This is a weird trip," Naruto muttered.

Some minutes later the bus stopped on the big parking lot and the doors opened. Sasuke nudged Naruto into movement.

"Come on, this is our stop."

They were the only ones getting off there. Naruto looked around, frowning, as the bus doors closed and the vehicle drove off again. He scratched his head when he finally turned to look at Sasuke.

"What is this place?"

"It's a mental institution," Sasuke answered. Naruto gaped.

"It's a what?"

"Yeah."

"But... It looks so normal!"

Sasuke had to smile, even though he wasn't really happy. It helped the nervousness, focusing on Naruto's surprise. It was like his entire world was swirling, not just his stomach.

"They should look crazy?"

"No! I… I was just…" the blond was pouting; glanced at the building and then back at Sasuke. "Why are we here? Are you having a therapy session?"

"Something like that, yeah."

Naruto bit at his lower lip, looked away and back again. Then he came closer, threw his arms around Sasuke and squeezed hard.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you before," he mumbled into Sasuke's neck. Sasuke sighed quietly. He put a hand just under Naruto's neck and the other on his shoulder and looked up at the sky. It was cloudy but looked like it could reveal the sun at anytime.

"That guy was being really rude," Naruto continued. "But so was I. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Sasuke said, even though he didn't really feel any different, any better, hearing the apology. He didn't know what he meant when he said it was okay, or if it was. But maybe it was just his mood, his nervousness. It was hard to feel anything else really. Naruto held onto him for a few more moments before he let go and grabbed one of his hands instead. They walked over the parking lot and stopped for a moment outside the doors so Sasuke could have a smoke. Naruto didn't want to let go of the hand, so Sasuke let him fish out the lighter from his pocket and light the cigarette for him.

They came in through a pair of doors, that opened when you got close enough, to a bright spacious hall with columns and groups of couches and tables, from which led many corridors. Sasuke knew where they were going and led the way. At first there were just walls and the columns, but as they came further in there were doors as well. Sasuke knew every painting on the wall, every plastic plant and every turn. It had all etched into his memory. Naruto's hand was warmer than his own.

There was a small library just before the stairs they were taking to go up. They didn't have a very large collection of books, but it was something. Sasuke had been in there a couple of times, alone and with company. This day, outside the library, leaning with one hand against the doorframe, stood a man that Sasuke recognized. His heart jumped, just couldn't help it. They were really here now.

"But it's right there!" the man said in a raised voice. "It's just standing there, no one's gonna notice if it's missing for… say two days! This place is filled with nothing but psychos. Who's gonna notice? It's not like I want all of them, it's just that one. Two days. Come **on**, be reasonable."

A woman, much smaller than the man, stood just inside the door, arms crossed on her chest and effectively blocking his path. She looked angry. Her mouth was small.

"It is decoration," she said slowly, like she was talking to a stubborn three-year-old.

"What? There are no words in it?" the man asked. "That there is just the cover, is that what you're saying?"

"Do I need to call someone?" the woman asked, in normal talking speed this time.

The man opened his mouth, then closed it again and sighed loudly. He threw out his arms and grinned.

"No! No, you don't need to call someone."

He turned away from her and made a face. As he did though, he spotted Sasuke and Naruto and the frustrated scowl quickly turned to a grin.

"Hey! Look who's here!"

The man left the woman and the library as if he'd completely forgotten about them and came walking quickly, his attention fixed on Sasuke and Naruto. Sasuke smiled as sincerely as he could and lifted the hand Naruto wasn't holding on to in greeting. When he got close enough the man threw an arm around Sasuke's neck and pulled him close, mumbling 'hey, Sasuke' in Sasuke's hair before letting him go.

"I'm trying to borrow a book since this is a library, but apparently," he turned and scowled at the woman, "The one I want is decoration only. Can you believe it? It's like I'm not the one insane here."

"You know I have to mention this little episode to the nurses, Kisame," the woman said in a loud voice before more or less slamming the door to the library shut.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kisame said and rolled his eyes. "Bitch."

"Still around, I see," Sasuke said, more to keep conversation than anything.

"Hell, yeah. I actually got a chance to go home a couple of months back but I fucked up with the pills so they brought me back. Sucks, but at least the company's good. Not counting some of the nurses."

He threw a glare over his shoulder. Then he seemed to notice Naruto.

"So, who's this?" he said, grinning, raising a brow and winking at Sasuke's trapped hand. "The boyfriend?"

"Actually, yeah," Sasuke said and couldn't help but enjoy the way the man's eyes grew wide from surprise. "Kisame, this is Naruto. Naruto, this is Kisame, a… um… friend."

"Hel…" Naruto began and, polite as he was, stretched out his free hand to have it shaken. He was interrupted though, and ignored.

"You're not serious! Are you? Boyfriend? No…"

Sasuke grabbed a hold of Naruto's hand as Naruto held onto his and waved the hands around. Naruto glanced at Sasuke, frowning; Sasuke did his best to say 'just work with it' with his eyes.

"I'm serious."

"Holy shit," Kisame slapped a hand over his eyes and threw his head back as he grinned. "That's so totally cool, Sasuke. Congratulations!"

Then he laughed again and seemed embarrassed.

"Maybe 'congratulations' sounds weird. I mean, it's not like you guys are married or anything, right?"

And then he got serious.

"Right?"

"We're not married," Sasuke said.

"But we will get married," Naruto said quickly before he was interrupted again. For a few seconds Kisame looked like he was processing the information in his head without really thinking about it.

"Okay!" he said when he was done, grinning like mad and giving a thumbs-up. They had had the pleasure of arriving just after the pills had been handed out. That was a good thing in most cases, but in Kisame's it meant that the man would be a little more intense than he usually was.

"So, you guys will come up with me now, right?" Kisame changed the subject. "I should be getting back before they start looking. It'd be a waste to get sedated when you're here."

"Yeah," Sasuke said and smiled, because smiling was good with intense Kisame. "Let's go."

The man went off up the stairs and longer legs and pills had soon taken him far ahead of them. Naruto didn't seem to be in a hurry, and neither was Sasuke. There were some things he wanted to say before they arrived. Before he could start talking though, Naruto leaned closer and whispered.

"Is that guy…? You know…?"

"Crazy?" Sasuke said. "Yeah. Did you see those scars on his face?"

"Yeah?"

"Self-inflicted. Gills. He thinks he's a shark. If they don't keep him medicated he'll drown himself. He's usually not this excited though, he just took his pills."

Sasuke glanced at Naruto and had to hold back his smile. The blond looked surprised, awestruck, scared; like he'd been suddenly kicked into a dream. He held onto Sasuke's hand harder now.

"Why are we here?" he whispered, sounding desperate. Sasuke didn't blame him.

"You two love birds coming?" Kisame yelled from in front of the heavy white closed and locked door they were soon going to enter.

"To see someone," Sasuke said and before Naruto could ask or start talking Sasuke stopped and pulled at the hand in his to stop him too.

"I want you to meet my brother," Sasuke said, and then he watched as Naruto's expression changed from frowning confusion to wide-eyed surprise.

"Your brother?"

"Yeah."

"You have a brother? Here?"

"Yeah."

Wide-eyed surprise turned to horror for a split-second, then to awe, then finally to nervousness and a shaky smile. The blue eyes got suddenly shiny and Naruto wiped at them quickly with his sleeve. He dropped Sasuke's hand and moved forward, wrapping his arms around Sasuke for the second time since they came here.

"Okay," he said and his voice was as shaky as his smile. The closeness of him said all those other things that were hard to find words for. 'I'm not going to say you should have said something sooner because I know you have reasons and I'm not upset, don't worry and I just really, really want to have you close to me now.' Sasuke found his own eyes burning and blurring as he remembered what he had to say later and what Naruto's reaction had to be. He wiped with his own sleeve.

"Oh, yeah!" Kisame yelled suddenly and Sasuke saw him coming back towards them over Naruto's shoulder. Naruto's arms squeezed harder.

'And that man makes me very nervous.'

"He's been expecting you, you know?" Kisame said when he'd stomped down the stairs again. "All week; he's been telling me 'I hope Sasuke comes today.' He'll be so happy to see you."

Sasuke gave Kisame a weak smile and patted Naruto's back to lighten up the mood before they had to let each other go.

-

The nervousness that had been missing during the serenity before the execution' mood came back with a vengeance as soon as Sasuke was released from Naruto's embrace. It clung to him, sprinted inside him and around him so fast he almost got dizzy, as the heavy white door was unlocked and they were let in; as they left their things with a nurse and walked through the corridors toward the room his brother and Kisame shared, dodging patients and nurses. Kisame kept talking, but Sasuke didn't hear what he was saying. This place smelled just like he remembered it from his last visit and looked the same too. The floor sounded the same under his shoes. The door to the room stood open so they could just walk in.

Sasuke found his brother sitting on a chair in front of the window. He turned his head as they came in and he was smiling. He looked happy.

"Sasuke," he said and his voice was soft. "I knew you'd come."

He looked happy, but also sad down to the bottom of his soul. The sun chose that moment to leave the cover of the clouds and fell in through the window, on Itachi's face. It was all poetic and pathetic and Sasuke wanted this over with. And at the same time he wished it would never go away.

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	43. Happy family

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 30th 2006, Saturday  
second version: October 28th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**43: Happy family**

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I don't remember how old I was. I had a nightmare and woke up. My room was dark and it was dark outside as well. At night the hall outside my room was only dimly lit by a lamp in the window, but light is light even if it is dim and light is something a child after a nightmare can't resist; and the longing for a mother is even more desperate.

I leave my bed and the floor is very cold. Maybe it is winter. I open the door and shuffle down the hall towards my parents' bedroom. My legs are still wobbly from recent sleep and I'm still sobbing softly from being chased by monsters in dreams.

Just as I reach for the door handle I hear my mother's muffled voice and my hand stops in midair. I can't hear what she says, her voice is low and the door between us does not make things better, but I can hear she is distraught. Then I hear my father speak as well. Most of what he says escapes me as well, but I do hear one thing. 'Itachi.' That's my brother's name. I step closer and press my ear hard to the door.

"There's just something in his eyes that… that changes," says my mother. "And then it's like he's a completely different boy. He changes and that other boy scares me so much."

My head pulls from the door and I get scared. I don't know how much I really understood back then and how much I've changed the memory to fit in with what I know now, but I'm scared.

My father says something and then my mother talks again. Halfway through her mumblings I press my ear back to the door.

"…is something... I love him so much but there is something **wrong** with him."

"I can call the home tomorrow," says my father. He sounds different from how he usually sounds, softer and warmer. "They may be right and it's best for him. And it's only for a couple of weeks at first."

"I feel like the worst parent," says my mother and she sobs. "Sending away my own child."

"If he's sick…"

"I know! I know. If… If something should happen and he hurts Sasuke, I…"

I press down the handle then and let the door open. It creaks slightly and they are turned to look at me when I see them. They both look surprised at first, caught, but they gather themselves quickly. Mother dries her red eyes with her arm and smiles at me, waves to get me closer.

"Hi, Sasuke," she says and sniffles. "Did you have a bad dream? Come here, sweetie."

I crawl into the bed and cuddle close to her, breathing in her scent and letting her arms around me calm me down.

"I don't want Niisan to leave," I mumble into her night gown and she wraps her arms even closer.

"Oh, sweetie, I know," she says. "I know."

"He wouldn't hurt me, so don't make him leave."

I remember she was silent for a moment before she spoke, but I have no memory of what she said. It's completely gone.

-

Itachi got off the chair, walked over, wrapped his arms around Sasuke and stayed there for as long as he could without it being awkward. Sasuke's muscles tensed and his stomach turned and grew cold but he stayed still; put a hand on Itachi's shoulder and tried to ignore the smell of his brother that he recognized from times long gone. It was soft, this wasn't a place that made it easy for individual smells to root, but it was there and that was enough. The nervousness had gone into hiding as soon as Sasuke laid eyes on the young man in the chair.

When Itachi let go, he looked into Sasuke's eyes for a moment with those eyes that said that in that moment he felt nothing but heart wrenching guilt. Sasuke hated those eyes. Then Itachi turned to Naruto and smiled softly again, though the guilt never really left him.

"Hello," he said, stretching out a hand. "I'm Itachi, Sasuke's older brother."

And of course Naruto had to blush. The blond was nervous, shifting and didn't seem to know quite what to do with himself. His smile went quickly on and off.

"Err… Ah…" he stammered before gathering himself and quickly lashing out to take the hand. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto!"

"You are one of Sasuke's new friends?"

"Ah, um..." Naruto threw a nervous, questioning glance in Sasuke's direction, but looked away before Sasuke could really decide what he wanted him to say. "Yes! We're friends. It's very nice to meet you."

One part of Sasuke wanted to keep it from Itachi, that Naruto wasn't just a friend. He wanted to keep from Itachi even that Naruto was a friend. It was the same part that had screamed in protest when he had first considered bringing Naruto here, for the same reason it hadn't wanted Itachi to know about Kakashi or Shikamaru. Because Sasuke didn't want to lose them. Itachi was dangerous. Not this Itachi, this one softly smiling and politely introducing himself, but the other one; that fucked up one that was kept unconscious by medication and for some fucked up reason that probably made perfect sense to him wanted Sasuke to hate him.

"Oh, come **on**," Kisame groaned and threw an arm around Sasuke's shoulders. "They're not **friends**."

Naruto looked terrified, his hand for some reason still engaged in the handshake; Itachi looked mildly confused. Sasuke tried to look indifferent; because it was only one part of him that didn't want Itachi to know that Naruto was his friend and more than his friend, just as there had only been one part of him protesting when it had been about Kakashi and Shikamaru. Another part of him didn't want to be scared and hide his life so that he wouldn't risk losing it. He didn't want to admit defeat; he wanted the other one to know that he had failed. He wasn't the center of Sasuke's world; not everything Sasuke did was in some way connected to him anymore.

"It's the **boyfriend**," Kisame whispered loudly.

Naruto looked even more terrified, his face pale. For a moment Itachi still looked confused, but then he smiled his soft smile again.

"It is?" he asked Sasuke.

Sasuke shrugged as if it was nothing.

"Yeah."

"That's nice," Itachi said and his smile stayed even as he turned to Naruto. "Then I'm even happier to have met you."

Naruto laughed weakly and swallowed.

"Y-yeah."

Sasuke had noticed though, the quick, quick flash in Itachi's eyes that was gone again almost before it had arrived; the small, small flinch of the hand that Sasuke would have missed if he had been someone other than himself. It sent a cold shiver down his spine, but also made him feel satisfied. 'Sucks to be a locked-up and kept-unconscious-by-pills symptom, doesn't it?' Because in the end that was all that he was, that other one. A symptom of Itachi's disease.

-

They stayed inside for while. Kisame gave Naruto a tour of the place and introduced all the crazies and Itachi and Sasuke walked some steps behind, catching up. It was stupid really. Itachi asked how Sasuke was doing in school, if he liked his new home and how long he'd been going out with Naruto. Normal stuff; as if they had a normal relationship. Sasuke didn't like the visits. He didn't like playing along with the pretending that they were normal brothers, but it was important to Itachi. For some reason it was important to him to get that short time of pretending with Sasuke, even though they both knew it was just a lie, and Sasuke didn't see a reason to keep it from him.

He couldn't really blame Itachi anymore, like he had. There had been a time in Sasuke's life where his only reason to wake up in the morning was so that he would one day get to kill his brother, but he wasn't like that anymore. He couldn't blame Itachi because Itachi was sick. The only thing Sasuke could blame was the symptom of a disease and he was smarter than that. No, he didn't like the visits, but Sasuke went along with them anyway. It was a sign that he was better now, that he wasn't sick anymore. As with not hiding his life, it proved that he had won and the other one had failed.

After the tour they went outside. Itachi was allowed fifteen minutes outside every day when he was stable and today he was, so they went outside. Kisame couldn't go with them as the hospital had rules about not letting the patients go out in pairs, though that was all well to Sasuke; the man and his pill-induced energy were starting to grate on his nerves.

They walked on a small paved path that snaked around the building first, then headed off toward and eventually followed a big field belonging to a farm you could spot some distance away. In the summer it used to be golden yellow, but now it looked sad and barren. Sasuke walked in the middle with Itachi on his left and Naruto on his right and their pace was set somewhere between slow and fast. Sasuke kept glancing at the watch he had borrowed from one of the nurses, not wanting to be late. The nurses liked that he went for a walk with Itachi when he came to visit (because it meant less work for them, most likely), but keeping track of time was important.

"How old are you, Naruto-kun?"

"Um..." Naruto was still nervous talking to Itachi, it seemed. "I'm fifteen. Same as Sasuke. We're in the same class."

"I know," Itachi said. "Sasuke told me before."

"Oh, okay."

The 'why do you ask my age if you know we're in the same class?' question was unasked, but it hovered in the tone of Naruto's voice. 'What does he think of my brother?' Sasuke couldn't help but think. 'What does he think of me now and what will he think later when I tell him what happened to make things the way they are?' The last thought made Sasuke's stomach turn and he grabbed at whatever he could to distract himself.

"Kakashi is dating Naruto's dad," he said. "That's how we met. They met on some seminar. Iruka-san is a teacher too."

"What about your mother?" Itachi asked Naruto.

"Oh! There is no mother, I'm adopted."

Then Naruto grinned sheepishly.

"I mean... There's gotta be a mother somewhere, I just don't know her. It's me and Iruka living together. W-well, for now! Kakashi and Sasuke will move in with us later."

Sasuke's heart beat at that, at the mentioning of forming a family, and even though his entire being seemed to scream 'don't look!' he glanced at Itachi. The older brother looked surprised. Then he smiled and there was just something in the way his lips curved that chilled Sasuke to the bones even before the words were spoken.

"One big happy family," Itachi said softly.

That something in his smile and in his voice overwhelmed Sasuke with a violent urge to throw himself off the road and into the field and puke, and it was so strong that for a moment he almost did it. He wished he had never come, he wished Naruto had never come, he wished he had never decided it was better to let his brother live.

Who was it better for anyway? Was it better for Sasuke? Was it better for Itachi? Wouldn't Sasuke's life be so much easier if there was no crazy brother to go visit every four months or so? What fun could Itachi have, sitting in the same rooms, together with the other loonies day in and day out? What a splendid life! And this wasn't really Sasuke's brother, this racked with guilt, kept together by drugs, locked up and pretending young man. Sasuke's brother died a long time ago and nothing the doctors had said or done or given him had brought him back. This was nothing but a shadow of Sasuke's Itachi; a shell of a person. It was pathetic.

"I'm sorry," Itachi whispered and looked away.

He knew. He knew that he wasn't himself; he knew that this was just a lie, that they would never be normal and never okay. He was guilt; that was what defined him these days. 'I let it happen.' It wouldn't be anything but a mercy kill, would it?

"I know," Sasuke said and glanced at his watch again. For once time was on his side and he was very grateful. "We need to go back."

-

As a precaution, before he left the institution Sasuke always received a small envelope, folded together by a piece of paper, containing a couple of pills, in case he became unstable after the visit. The person accompanying Sasuke on the visit had to stay with him for a few hours afterwards and look after him. They would make sure he took the pills if he needed them and they would call his therapist.

The pills came directly from Tsunade; the lady would have it no other way. Despite her occupation, or maybe because of it, she didn't trust the mental care system. 'Mistakes and stupidity happen all the time,' she said. 'You'd be horrified if I told you half of it.' So, while it would have been much easier to go through Itachi's nurses (they had all the pills available), Tsunade handled Sasuke's pills. She delivered the small envelopes herself or sent someone she trusted, and they were always clearly and often embarrassingly marked and sealed. It had happened that the pills came to use, but mostly they didn't and were just thrown away. Sasuke thought it was a waste of good pills, he was much better now.

However this day when Sasuke and Naruto went to picked up their things in the reception before they left, there was no one waiting with pills.

"I'm sorry," the nurse handing them jackets and keys and things said. "The delivery was delayed. You'll have to wait at the entrance."

Sasuke sighed and Naruto looked confused. Sasuke explained as they went downstairs, followed by a nurse that would make sure they didn't leave before the pills came. As if Sasuke was more dangerous than the bunch of patients upstairs. But he knew that Tsunade's orders were hard to resist. He was grateful they could leave the ward at least; he'd said his good bye and didn't want to have to do it again.

They sat down at one of the groups of couches and tables near the entrance. The nurse was reading the newspaper and Naruto's heels were jumping on the floor. He was waiting for them to be alone so he could ask his questions, of course. Sasuke tried to not let the wait get to him. He wanted to get answering the questions over with. He wanted to get the reactions to his answers over with and tried not to think about them. Sasuke's eyes were fixed on Naruto's jumping heels and his mind was lost in trying not to think about things, but when the automatic doors hissed open he looked up, and found himself frowning in surprise. It was Shikamaru.

"Yo," the guy said and sounding bored as always, though Sasuke could see through it. "Sorry I'm late."

"Hey," Sasuke said, frowning. "What are you doing here?"

"You wanted pills?" Shikamaru said, sauntered over and sat down on the couch next to Sasuke. Naruto's heels stopped moving and he straightened up in the couch opposite them.

"Yeah, they're here now so you can head on up," he said to the nurse, who was frowning over her newspaper. He dug out the envelope from his pocket and waved it around. "See?"

"Very well," she said, folded up the paper and left. Shikamaru made a tired face in her direction.

"What are you doing here?" Sasuke asked, because really, what was he doing there? Shikamaru's eyes moved back to Sasuke.

"Hm? I didn't tell you? I started working for the old lady. It's just now and then, barely even counts as part-time."

"You're working?" Sasuke raised a brow; that was amusing.

"What? I can't work?"

"You're the laziest person I know!"

"So? I need money just like everyone else," Shikamaru muttered. Sasuke snorted. Then Naruto got off the couch and Sasuke remembered that these two hadn't met before and that introductions were polite.

"Hello? I'm here! Who is this guy?"

Shikamaru looked at the blond and frowned. Naruto was glaring and breathing like he'd been running. Annoyance crept ahead of being sorry and Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"What? He's a friend. Sit down and stop screaming."

"No! I wanna know who this guy is and why we have to talk to him."

"What's wrong with you?" Sasuke hissed and glared angrily. "Sit down!"

Though Naruto only seemed to get more furious. He looked just about ready to start yelling even louder when Shikamaru got to his feet and quickly grabbed a hold of the blond's right fist. The closest thing to a handshake he could get.

"Sorry," he said. "I should have introduced myself. Nara Shikamaru. Sasuke's friend and occasionally also his brain."

"Hey!" Sasuke exclaimed, because that was totally unfair and untrue. Sort of.

Naruto looked surprised first, then he went from angry to just grumpy and frustrated. He stared at his fist in Shikamaru's hand for a moment before unclenching the hand and properly finishing the handshake.

"Uzumaki Naruto," he muttered. "**Boyfriend.**"

Sasuke sighed and looked away. Shikamaru chuckled.

"Yeah, I guessed. I've heard a lot about you."

"Eh? You have?" The grumpiness went down a notch and curiosity sparkled. Sasuke could have groaned at the blond's mood swings.

"Sure. Nothing but good things though so don't worry."

"I wasn't worrying," Naruto pouted, but he was interested now more than upset. "What did he tell you?"

For some reason that sudden switch from pissed off to all curious really annoyed Sasuke. He didn't know why. This wasn't how he had envisioned the meeting between his best friend and his… His Naruto, but now that the blond's initial bout of weird acting was over, it seemed okay. So why the hell was Sasuke annoyed? It could have been the tone in Shikamaru's voice.

"Oh, just things," Shikamaru said. "That you're blond and his dad is flirting with your dad. That you're a stalker but the best kind of stalker and that he's totally in love with you."

"I've never said that!"

"Really?" Naruto wasn't listening, grinning, blushing slightly.

"Sure. His knees get all weak when you kiss him."

"Aww…"

"He's lying! Shikamaru, shut up!"

"I knew that though," Naruto said. His grinning brought wrinkles to his nose. "I mean, he did pass out once."

Shikamaru raised a brow.

"N-Naruto!" Sasuke was so horrified he didn't even care that his voice cracked.

"Ah!" Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth. "Err…"

"You fucking retard!"

"I'm sorry! It just slipped out! B-but he's your friend! It's okay, right?"

"It's not okay! Fuck!"

"Now now," Shikamaru would have been giggling if he had been the type. "Sit down and stop screaming."

"Hey!" Sasuke turned to Shikamaru. "You know that means nothing. I'm sick. I pass out all the time."

"Of course you do," he said, but his eyes wouldn't stop smiling. Sasuke snarled and threw out one of his hands.

"Give me my pills!"

Shikamaru looked at him for a moment. His amusement was slowly running away but not to make him look angry or upset or worried; he just looked like Shikamaru, slightly bored and slightly tired.

"No," he said. "We'll sit here and talk for a moment first."

"You're not a fucking shrink, asshole! Give me the pills!"

"No," Shikamaru said. Then he sat down. Naruto seemed to hesitate for a moment; looked at Sasuke, who glared violently back; then looked at Shikamaru. Eventually he cautiously sat down as well. Sasuke stayed on his feet for some moments more, fuming, because there really wasn't anything else he wanted to do that wouldn't have consequences he didn't want. With another snarl, he sat down too and crossed his arms over his chest; looked out the window.

Shikamaru could be such an asshole sometimes. Sasuke didn't know if he wanted to cry, start screaming again or just strangle someone. He hated when his so-called friend pulled his amateur psychology tricks on him. Sasuke knew what he was doing. He wanted to give Sasuke a chance to blow off some steam before he left, lowering the chances of him keeping any Itachi-bothers inside until it became a problem. He always did that when he came with Sasuke to the visits; had always started a fight or something when they left the building or on the bus home. It was annoying.

No one said anything for a long time; Sasuke because there was nothing he could say that would make a difference where he wanted a difference, Shikamaru because he was giving Sasuke time and Naruto because... who knew? It had to be a miracle! Fortunately he was the one who finally broke the silence; it would have sucked to have to rearrange the universe on top of all the other shit.

"I thought he was the Neji-guy," Naruto mumbled, staring at the floor.

"What?" Sasuke spat, but with the wait his anger had started to move away from him and he just had frustration left really. He hated when people used tricks on him.

"I thought he was the Neji-guy!" Naruto repeated and looked up this time, frustration in his eyes. It hit Sasuke that it had probably been a tough day for him too.

"It's just Shikamaru," Sasuke muttered and he hated how the thought of Shikamaru being Sasuke's ex-boyfriend Neji in Naruto's eyes made the corner of his lips twitch. Damn it, he didn't want to smile, but it was funny. "You're such an idiot."

"How should I know?" Naruto whined.

"I could have been Neji," Shikamaru said.

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. Sasuke snorted.

"Can I have my pills now?"

But they ended up staying a while longer. Naruto and Shikamaru got along a bit better than Sasuke would have wanted, but it was better than the opposite. As long as he wanted to get along with them, Shikamaru rarely had trouble hanging out with anyone; but it was nice to see it work out anyway. Sasuke wanted them to get along.

Shikamaru asked about the family trip and Sasuke told him it had been okay. Naruto filled in with details, sharing the story of Sasuke going horseback riding (even though he hadn't even been there) and how they had gotten caught by the Konohamaru brat. The blond just kept sharing things that Sasuke would have never even thought of sharing; not because they were particularly embarrassing (though that often was the case) but because he just wouldn't have thought about it. And Shikamaru was so clever, getting Naruto to talk; the guy could be so manipulative when he wanted to (not that Naruto needed much work). Though it wasn't as if most of the things Naruto said were things Sasuke didn't want Shikamaru to know. Shikamaru knew better than to ask about that and, most of the times, Sasuke had to admit it, Naruto knew better than to share.

It was also a test of a sort, Sasuke realized. Shikamaru wanted to see who Naruto was and if he was worthy of Sasuke. The friend was so protective that it would have been pathetic if he wasn't so subtle about it. Sasuke knew, but most of everyone else didn't. Shikamaru smiled his soft smile all through the telling of everything and Sasuke knew what he was thinking. 'I'm such a genius for getting Sasuke to move.' And 'I approve.' Silly, but it made Sasuke feel better. At least a part of him.

Eventually Sasuke got his pills and Shikamaru said he had to leave. He could have gone with them on the bus back to the city, but he said he wanted some air and would walk. Sasuke knew it was bullshit, but he didn't argue. He sensed the mood that had come crawling back as their chat was coming to an end and knew that Shikamaru had too. It was the same mood that had been there before Shikamaru had shown up; Naruto's anxiety to know why they had to go to a mental institution to meet Sasuke's brother and Sasuke's anxiety to have the telling over with. They couldn't talk about that unless they were alone.

Before he left Shikamaru gave Naruto his cell phone number and told him to call if he ever ran into any trouble with Sasuke. 'Call me if the guy's being troublesome,' he said jokingly, but was serious. Sasuke snorted and rolled his eyes, but he was grateful that Shikamaru cared and happy that he approved of Naruto. He got the weird and slightly embarrassing feeling that Shikamaru was trusting Naruto with more than just a phone number. His friend had gotten Sasuke out of tricky situations before and even if Sasuke hadn't been instantly grateful all the times, he knew that he was lucky. There wasn't anyone who knew or could deal with him better than Shikamaru. Kakashi and Tsunade were close second and third but number one had always been him. Maybe because he was so smart or maybe he just knew.

Naruto was a little confused first when he received the number, but he took the note and said 'thanks'. He waved when Shikamaru left and smiled at Sasuke when he was gone. 'I like him,' he said, and Sasuke smiled a small smile himself and said 'I like him too.' They went to the bus stop and found that the next bus heading for the city was only five minutes away. Sasuke smoked while they waited. The mood got more and more evident until the air was thick with the tension. But neither of them had said anything yet when the bus came.

-

I'm lost in non-thoughts as the bus leaves the hospital grounds. I'm staring out the window, chin in my hand and elbow on the windowsill. The world is passing by in a slowly speeding up blur but I don't really see a thing. Naruto probably thinks I'm thinking but I'm not. I don't think about anything. My mind is blank, empty. I have this feeling I should feel alone in there, but I don't.

"Sasuke," Naruto says. Finally. Either he felt it was okay to disturb the thoughts I don't have, or he just didn't think I was thinking. His voice is serious, low; he chews on his lower lip. I know what he will ask me. 'Why is your brother in a mental institution?'

"What's wrong with Itachi-san?" Naruto asks.

Oh, well… Close enough.

"It's some personality disorder," I say to my reflection in the window. "I don't know if they know exactly what it is and I don't care. It doesn't matter."

I look at Naruto and he looks sad; sad and serious. He's not saying anything and that says a lot.

"He killed our parents," I say. As the realization of what I've said hits him, something changes in his eyes, in his expression, and I want to cry. "I was five and a half. That's why I was sick."

I can see that he goes through things to say in his mind and I tell myself that I can see what they are. 'I'm sorry.' 'I didn't know.' 'Can I do anything?' 'I want to kill him.'

'_Take me back so I can kill him.'_

But nothing is said. The blue eyes are shiny but Naruto doesn't cry. Here is this overly emotional and crazily expressive guy and he just won't cry. He won't even talk. It means so much that it makes me cry. But just one tear; then I get a grip and wipe my eyes.

I go back to looking out the window. Even though his silence and lack of expressing what he must feel and think was such a relief a moment ago, now I want to scream at him to react, to do something, anything.

I don't scream, but he reacts anyway. He leans closer and rests his head on my arm. He takes my hand and cradles it in his two. I'm grateful again, relieved again, so relieved. His skin is warm around mine and his warmth wraps around my heart. This time the feeling stays longer.

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	44. It blames that man

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: November 20th 2006, Monday  
second version: October 31st 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**44: It blames that man**

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A part of me keeps asking 'was it me?' It asks because it thinks so, that part of me. It was something that I did or didn't do. I messed up. It was because of me. My fault.

And it's a reasonable way of reasoning, with the way things turned out and went bad. Anyone could think that, come to that conclusion. It's the reasonable part of me, the one that says 'I should have known' and 'why didn't I do things differently?' and 'why didn't I stop?' But either way, reasonable or not, it's not a very big part of me.

The bigger part of me, the rest of me, just moves. It just goes forward, further. It wants to fix things. It wants things back the way they were and right again. Things aren't supposed to be like this.

(At the same time, and it scares me, it feels a little like this is exactly how it was meant to be. I want that feeling to shut up and go away but it doesn't; it's there and it makes sense. This was supposed to be.)

But that doesn't matter; supposed to be or not, scared of the rightness or not, I move. No matter how meant to happen this was, it's not supposed to stay this way. The rest of me moves forward to make things right. It doesn't stop to waste time by blaming myself, or him, or anyone.

(No, that's not true. It does blame. It blames that man. That man I think I dream about these days, even though I can't really remember, the man I think I've come to hate. I wish I could erase what he did. There are no words strong enough for how much I wish I could erase what he did.)

The memory of Sasuke's face at that time has been etched in my brain and I see it like a photograph.

(Forehead shining from sweat and eyes squeezed closed and mouth half-open as he pants, blushing. His muscles going tense and relaxing. The sounds. The whining. I feel his fingers gripping me so hard it hurts.)

I remember thinking 'I'm the first one to see him like this'. This is a part of him that no one else has seen and he chose to show me. I hear him say it in my head.

'_I want you to see this face that no one else has seen.'_

So why did it go wrong?

He never spoke those words, but I hear them anyway. It makes me scared and I start wondering. If I can imagine his voice saying those words so clearly when it never happened, couldn't I have imagined it all? Maybe he never showed me that face, maybe I just made it up. Maybe I stopped. What if I'm dreaming and he's sleeping next to me?

But it doesn't matter. I keep moving and most parts of me don't bother thinking about 'maybe' or 'why' or 'what if'. My hands are clenched and I keep moving forward. There is nowhere else to go. I keep him in my focus.

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	45. I might have lost it

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: November 20th 2006, Monday  
second version: October 31st 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**45: I might have lost it**

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Sasuke woke up before the snake came. Nothing woke him up; he just found his consciousness creeping back to him, his eyelids squeezing closer together, his throat producing a weak, frustrated groan. Sasuke pushed his face further into the pillow. He was not rested. He did not want to wake up.

But he did. And when he was awake the knowing snapped back to him. There was no merciful hazy period of not quite knowing where he was or what he was doing there. He knew from the first split second of consciousness what he had done and what it would do. He wanted back to sleep. His head was starting to hurt again. What time was it?

Sasuke opened his eyes to find the room darkish; but the world behind the curtains that covered the windows could be glimpsed on a sliver of the wall and it was bright. Saturday midday bright. There was a hiss from behind him and he turned his head to see nothing. But he felt, and heard, the rustling of the fabrics on the bed and the moving of it. He tensed for a moment and thought, but realized who the visitor had to be before the cool, blank skin came in contact with his warm and made him shiver. Sasuke closed his eyes again and relaxed with a sigh that made no sound.

"Hey," he mumbled, half into the pillow, with a voice that was croaked and weak and shouldn't belong to him. He hadn't been crying, had he? He didn't remember any crying; not enough to ruin his voice at any rate. Maybe it was just the sleep.

The creature kept moving up the bed, here and there brushing against his legs and making more shivers. It was so big that it shaped the comforter as much as Sasuke did and could easily eat him if it wanted to. He remembered the owner had said that once. 'Do you know that he could eat you? Looks like he wouldn't mind either.' But it never had.

The snake settled its head on the pillow next to Sasuke and watched him with big, yellow eyes that spoke of intelligence. It slipped more of its body into the bed but stopped before it got too crowded. Its skin was white and softly painted with a silvery, more or less regular pattern that had always reminded Sasuke of a net. If it could use words Sasuke was sure it would say 'you've been missing. Where were you?'

"I moved away," Sasuke mumbled. "Sorry."

The snake quickly whipped out its tongue and pulled it back again. Sasuke shifted in the bed. His head was pounding now, like he'd taken a blow or caught an angry cold. He remembered taking pain killers before going to bed but they must have worn off. How long had he been asleep anyway?

"He missed you," a soft and at the same time hard voice suddenly said. Sasuke flinched. He had heard no door opening and no feet approaching. To be expected though, of course, with this man. Sasuke was startled but not surprised. He glanced over his shoulder to find the man leaning against the wall next to door. His arms were crossed over his chest, his hair was flowing freely and a small, relaxed and evil-looking smile rested on his lips. It wasn't evil-looking because it was evil-intending (even though it probably was), that was just the way he smiled. It was hurting more and more the more minutes went by, Sasuke's head.

"I did too," the man said. "You didn't even come to visit."

"The store doesn't count?"

"No."

Sasuke gave a weak smile even if the headache wanted him not to, because he realized he had missed this man. It was odd. When he had been away, Sasuke had missed the feeling the man gave him rather than the man himself (not every day, but some); now that he was in the man's presence again, Sasuke remembered where that feeling had come from and knew what he had really missed. Or maybe it was this Saturday rather than the man that made Sasuke so reckless. Missing the man was much more fatal than missing the feeling.

"Sorry," Sasuke said again.

The man chuckled.

"Go back to sleep," he said and came closer. When he uncrossed his arms, Sasuke saw he held a glass in one of his hands. "You're tired."

"Yeah," Sasuke mumbled and at the mentioning of 'tired' he had to choke back a yawn.

"But take these first."

The man stopped at the bed and Sasuke ached as he struggled to sit up. Frowning, he took the held out glass of what seemed to be water and the pills from the other hand that had been closed until now. Fingers brushed against fingers. He vaguely remembered taking others like them before he went to bed.

"You still have that headache," the man said, and it was not a question. Sasuke put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them down with a mouthful of water that was neither cold nor warm. The man lowered a hand and caressed the head of the snake. If the creature could have purred, it would have.

"I told him not to disturb you but he snuck away while I was on the phone, such a stubborn boy sometimes."

He glanced at Sasuke and the smile grew slightly.

"As are you."

Sasuke half-smiled and half-snorted weakly and took a second mouthful of water before handing the glass back.

"He can stay," Sasuke said. "It's fine."

The man took steps back and looked pleased.

"Then sleep well, both of you," he said.

Then he left and when the door closed behind him Sasuke moved to lie back down on the pillow. He turned his head to look at the snake and the snake looked at him.

"Did you really miss me, Kimimaro?" he asked.

The snake's answer was another rapid lick in the air. This time the distance between them was shorter and the snake's head was angled differently so the tongue hit the tip of Sasuke's nose. Sasuke blinked and flinched; he smiled and then the smile faded again. When they were alone and things were quiet again the headache was harder to ignore and thoughts crept closer. Sasuke closed his eyes. He didn't want to be awake anymore. He didn't want to have to deal with what had happened together with this exhaustion and head aching. Fortunately, sleep was kind that day. Or maybe it was the pills.

-

Sasuke knew that what he had done was... 'bad' was too weak a word; 'unfair' wasn't even close to being strong enough either. He knew that Naruto was probably so confused; so hurt and so angry.

'_I'm so scared I'll lose you.'_

It wasn't Naruto's fault. It wasn't... It was... Sasuke wished with all his heart that things had been different. He wished that he was normal and not fucked up. If he had been normal, none of this would have happened. He would have had a normal life with normal reactions to normal things, he would have enjoyed things that should be enjoyed and he wouldn't have done things that shouldn't be done.

But he was fucked up and things weren't different. Sasuke had done what he had to do. At that moment there was no way he could have stayed.

-

The next time Sasuke woke up the room was considerably darker and he was alone in the bed. How the snake had managed to leave without waking him was a mystery with how close together they had been when Sasuke lost his consciousness, but somehow it had managed. It was physically a more pleasant waking up. Sasuke was groggy from having just woken up, but rested and there was no headache creeping up on him. The curtains were kept slightly in color by the sun that had probably yet to set, but the fabric was thick enough that very little, if any at all, light slipped past them. The ceiling hovered over Sasuke as a thing of darkness and most of the room loomed in pretty much the same way.

With no headache and no snake to distract him, Sasuke noticed how quiet it was. There was only the low humming from the building. From the rest of the apartment came nothing and the murmur of the city, people, cars, buildings and machines were kept away by soundproof windows and the far distance to the ground. He remembered the last time he'd heard that sound and that it had made his head hurt. What had used to calm him had that time made him frustrated, and now... Now he was sure that it was back to making him calm again. He didn't know if he liked that or if the feeling in his chest was sadness.

Sasuke sighed and turned on to his back, facing the ceiling darkness. He noted the dull complaints of his body as he moved his legs and wondered when it would go away. In a way it felt comforting, having the ache there. It felt comforting because... because it meant that 'before' was still close. It made 'before' much harder to forget. The thought of forgetting before was scarier than Sasuke could have ever imagined.

He hadn't thought it would be that big a deal, sex. He had heard all the pretty stuff about special and 'a gift you could only give once' and he'd heard all the not so pretty stuff about all the things that could go wrong and hurting like a bitch. But he hadn't heard anything like this. Someone should have said something about this. But maybe it was just him. Maybe sex just affected things it shouldn't affect when it was him, because he was fucked up and got it mixed up with things it shouldn't get mixed up with. Maybe it was just him.

Sasuke's stomach growled and drew him back to the world of things that mattered, his body and the dark room with the hovering ceiling. Sasuke closed his eyes and sighed again, softer this time. Now that he was aware of it the hunger tore at his insides. Probably should too; it had to be a long time since his last meal and he'd puked up most of it. Making up his mind, Sasuke maneuvered and hauled his body up to sit on the edge of the bed, ignoring the ache radiating up through his body. The heated floor was comfortably warm against his bare feet and even though his legs were weaker than usual and wobbly he preferred standing to sitting.

Sasuke found a pile of new clothes instead of the orange pants and black shirt he had arrived in and for a split second he almost panicked. The split second after he cursed himself for being an emotional idiot. It was just clothes, and not like he would never get them back eventually. Who cared? But he did care, he realized, when relief of not having to slip his legs back into those colorful fabrics just yet washed over him, despite the first almost panic over the thought of leaving the room without dressing in orange. Sasuke shook his head and sighed and pulled the oversized white shirt he'd dressed in last night over his head. It was just clothes.

The shirt and pants that had been left for him were both loose and black with long sleeves and legs. They were new and stylish, but comfortable, and just the right size. Not orange. There had even been underwear in the pile, but he decided to save them for after the shower he hoped he could have really soon.

Sasuke felt as though he had taken a step out of his life. His life. It had been strange and shitty at first but lately had felt very much like his. It was the town and the house and bus to school and Naruto. It was listening to silly talks about silly things, butting in where he had to and having a painfully energized and enthusiastic blond around him more or less constantly. It was touching and being touched and struggling with the rest of the world to get some privacy. It was Naruto's friends, weird or frustrating or both, and neighbors. It was Kakashi and Iruka and their frustrating playing family with stupid rules that messed with Sasuke's habits and fucked up trips that ended up kind of nice.

It felt like Sasuke had crawled out of that life; he had crawled out of that skin and left it behind on the road while he himself went on ahead. Now, walking through this apartment far away from that skin, Sasuke felt more stable and more balanced. There was distance between him and his life and because of that distance it didn't feel as overwhelming. He still felt it, the skin, his life, but he wasn't in it anymore. He was hurting, and not just physically, but the feeling wasn't as powerful anymore. It was more like he knew that he felt it rather than actually felt it. He knew he felt bad, but he didn't **feel** bad. Unless it was sudden and about losing the orange and black clothes that he'd brought with him.

He hadn't been quite there yet the first time he woke up, but now he was. Sasuke felt lighter. His body complained and his stomach wanted food, but he felt light; calm. Not quite himself but still very much so; clear-headed for what felt like the first time in weeks. The new clothes felt very right in a way, felt symbolic. And Sasuke had this strange feeling that he was exactly where he should be, doing exactly what he needed to do. It would have scared him, if this state of mind had allowed such feelings.

Walking through the big, faintly lit living room that even as it was stuffed with top-notch high-tech things managed to look spacious and elegant, Sasuke wondered if maybe everyone had left and he was alone in the apartment. It didn't sound very likely, but it was that quiet. Rounding the huge couch, built for something like eight big guys, Sasuke left the living room for the darker hallway and followed it until he reached the light at the end that was the kitchen.

Before he could see the feet propped up on the chair a rustle of paper came and told him that he wasn't all alone. Sitting at the table, hiding behind an issue of one of the big city newspapers was Jiroubou. Sasuke didn't need to see his face to identify him. No one else had legs that size around here.

"Hey," Sasuke said.

"Hey," the man said and paper rustled again as he dropped it to his chest. His smile was warm and friendly. "The Sleeping Beauty. I thought you'd miss the sunset."

Jiroubou nodded toward the window; left the paper on the table and got off his chair.

"Come, sit down, I'll fix you some dinner. The Boss told me to make sure you ate."

"Thanks," Sasuke said. He usually declined when people he came to visit offered to cook just for him, but this was a special case. He was hungry, home was too far away and he didn't want Jiroubou to get in trouble with "the Boss". The man smiled and said 'sit down' again as he moved to the other side of the kitchen where he started rummaging around in the cabinets and the refrigerator.

Sasuke was happy he hadn't missed the sunset. The window in the kitchen covered almost the entire wall and framed one of the greatest views in the city. When the sky was clear you could see the sun drop into the horizon and color the sky and the clouds in every version of red there was to find.

"Here."

Sasuke looked up just in time to see the apple come flying and to catch it.

"Have that for now," Jiroubou said and continued to fiddle around at the counter. "I can hear your stomach growling. If the Boss came home to find me letting you starve he'd kill me. Or would you rather have some grapes?"

"This is fine," Sasuke said, gave a small smile and hoped Jiroubou wasn't serious. When you said 'the Boss would kill me if...' around here, you could actually really mean **kill**. Still, Sasuke felt Kakashi had always overreacted about this place. The people were nice. Yeah, they were a bit violent partying, and merciless toward enemies; but you could walk away from the parties and it was a long time ago since Sasuke had been enemy. It was a rougher kind of nice than the small town version. They didn't bake cookies or cinnamon buns and invite their neighbors for tea. It was more of a 'let's beat some people up then go back home and drink and laugh and pass out together' kind of nice, but Sasuke liked that version better. There wasn't as much pretending involved; hard to keep it up after enough alcohol.

The apple was sweet, red, and the skin tasted slightly of chemicals. Sasuke realized it was his first chemical tasting apple since before the move. A dribble of fruit juice found its way down Sasuke's hand and he licked it up. His stomach urged him to stop thinking and just eat.

"So how do you like the small town life?"

"It's okay," Sasuke said and without thinking much about it. "Once you get used to it. Different."

"We all thought it was a joke first, you moving away. Hard to imagine Uchiha Sasuke in a place like that. Always thought you belonged in the city."

"Yeah," Sasuke looked out the window. "I thought so too."

"That it was a joke or that you belong in the city?"

After a moment of thinking Sasuke replied softly.

"Both."

Sasuke wondered how long it would take for him to walk all the way back home if he decided to get up and start right now. He wondered how long Naruto had known that he was missing. Had the blond woken up and realized that Sasuke was missing during the night or had he found out in the morning? With Sasuke's overgrown nap it didn't matter, either way Naruto had known for some time. Was he more angry than sad? Did he blame himself? Had he stopped crying yet? Or maybe he hadn't cried at all. The clouds in the sky were almost orange.

"When will the others be back?" Sasuke said and tore his eyes away from the window.

"Oh, any time now," Jiroubou said after throwing a glance at the watch. He was cutting up vegetables and placed them on a plate when the size was right. There was a frying pan on the stove with something stew-like bubbling and giving off a scent that made Sasuke's mouth water. The man poked at it now and then.

"They went out to take care of some business and get something to drink. I think I heard something about a 'welcome home' party for you, so enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts."

'This is not peace and quiet,' Sasuke thought and threw glance out the window as the sun finally slipped below the horizon. The frying pan was bubbling, the knife was cutting and Sasuke was chewing apple. Behind that the building was humming and outside the building the city was murmuring. Sasuke loved the city, but it could never lose its murmur. It could never be Sachiko-baachan's place.

'_There will never be peace and quiet here.'_

"Still taking every chance to party, I see," Sasuke said and the man laughed.

"Oh, yes," he said and put the last of the vegetables on the plate. Taking the frying pan off the stove, he filled the rest of the plate with stew and a thin veil of heat rose from the dish as it was carried across the kitchen and placed on the table in front of Sasuke. Knife and fork and a glass of water came soon after and Jiroubou smiled proudly.

"That stew is godsend," he promised. Then he grabbed his newspaper and sat down at the table again, opposite Sasuke. The world was slightly darker outside.

Sasuke's eyes had to close as the taste and warmth spread through his awareness. So good. He struggled to not eat too fast. The apple had only served to make his stomach more impatient.

He knew he felt bad, sitting here eating godsend stew when Naruto was worried and angry because of him. He knew he felt bad, but as with everything else, the feeling was too far away for him to really feel it. The skin was left behind, his life was not here. Sasuke found himself wondering, as he let fork after fork of stew past his lips, if there would come a point when the skin he had left behind would dry up and die away. Was there a point when he couldn't go back anymore?

When Sasuke realized what he was thinking it felt like he had been stabbed with a knife in the heart and his hand abruptly stopped moving. Even his heart stopped for a moment.

That was the reason he was here, wasn't it? He had left a skin behind and never gone back for it. He hadn't known it could disappear and that it would hurt so much when it did.

"But it's not 'welcome home', is it?"

Jiroubou spoke softly, but Sasuke flinched as if he'd yelled. Suddenly, for a second, it felt like he was back again, back with his skin surrounding him and in his life and he just wanted to scream and curl into himself. Jiroubou saw nothing. He was hiding behind important happenings in the city and didn't see Sasuke shaking as his hand gripped the fork so hard his knuckles got white.

Naruto hadn't seen anything either.

"You're not here to stay, are you?" the paper rustled and Jiroubou frowned as he glanced over the edge of it.

Sasuke shifted, just to force himself out of immobilization and into breathing again and he felt breath return to his lungs. He knew he hadn't really been back. As the constricting, gut-wrenching feeling ran away, he knew that was just a hint of it. The skin, life and Naruto were still far away. At the moment it felt impossible to go back. Even if there was a time limit to all of this, only so many seconds and hours he could stay here before he could never go back, there was no way he could return now.

"It's good," Sasuke said and nodded toward the stew. There was something odd about his voice. He didn't know if it had ever sounded like that before.

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	46. No sex

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: November 27th 2006, Monday  
second version: November 4th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**46: No sex**

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On Wednesday a chilled gathering of weather had tumbled down on the land from the mountains. Yes, the mountains were too far away to be visible from Sasuke's neighborhood, but they weren't so far that what tumbled down from them had no effect. Suddenly late November was a little more like late November.

It was Thursday afternoon and Sasuke stood waiting outside for Naruto to finish in the showers, legs goose bumped and breath huffs of smoke in the air. If it hadn't been for the cloudless sky he would have screwed the schedule and gone inside a long time ago. The grass and asphalt were frosted in the shadows. Hopefully gym teacher would stop having classes outside soon; or maybe not hopefully...

To avoid embarrassment they had decided to try and not shower at the same time after PE and had made up a schedule of sorts, taking turns on who got to shower first and who got to wait. Sometimes they screwed the schedule for the sake of not being suspicious; only on those days they practically ran through the showers very fast with gritted teeth, struggling to keep their eyes from wandering and "problems" occur. Sasuke had always managed, but Naruto had had to run out and hide in the bathroom once. It was yet another unforeseen problem with going out with someone in your class.

Sometimes Sasuke figured it would be much more convenient to just share the "news" and let people laugh or be appalled or whatever it was that they did when they found out the most popular guy in school was going out with his friend. Naruto probably wouldn't need much convincing to agree to it, if any at all. Still, Sasuke wasn't quite bothered enough by all the little things they had to do to tell everyone. It was one thing to be the center of attention because you were cool, good looking and occasionally rude. To be the center of attention because you were going out with someone you weren't "supposed" to go out with was something else.

Today it was Sasuke's turn to wait and Naruto was taking an awful lot of time to get finished. Usually the one waiting never had to wait very long because the one showering made sure to hurry, but apparently not this day. Frustrating blond, Sasuke snorted to himself and hoped the guy hadn't drowned in the showers. It wasn't very likely, of course, as Naruto wasn't alone in there and Sasuke knew he wasn't unpopular enough in class for their classmates to just let him drown. Then Sasuke found himself thinking that if **he** were to risk drowning in the showers (not that it would ever happen) he wasn't so sure the guys would be very eager to help him. Some of them would give him a hand, sure, it wasn't like Sasuke was hated, but a few of them might not be overly eager; might think something like 'whatever, who'd miss him? More girls for us.' Pathetic, jealous losers. They should have noticed by now that Sasuke wasn't interested in the girls.

The glass doors that would take you to the locker rooms opened and Sasuke looked up, hoping he could glare at Naruto for taking too long and finally go get that shower. He really had to go in soon or he'd miss the bus and he was not dressed for walking home. But it was not the right blond; Sasuke sighed and muttered to himself, stomping his feet for some warmth. First it looked like the guy would be on his way, then he noticed Sasuke and after a bit of hesitation he altered his course and headed towards where Sasuke was standing. Sasuke shook his head. He must look like an idiot standing there.

"Heey, Uchiha!"

This blond was taller than Naruto and skinnier, with freckles. His personality reminded Sasuke of Naruto's but this blond was even denser; he was a typical stupid and carefree school kid. Everyone called him Kawa, though it was not his first name, not his last name and not a short version of either of them. Sasuke supposed it was based on some kind of incident that had happened before his time that no one had thought about telling him of, not even Naruto (which was a miracle in itself). Though, Sasuke supposed, it wasn't like he would have liked to know.

"Hey," Kawa said again when he had stopped in front of Sasuke. His face was red from the showers. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Sasuke said and hoped that would work. It did. Kawa grinned and huffed as if everything was great.

"We really kicked their asses today, didn't we?"

Sasuke had been on the same team as Kawa in the mini-tournament soccer thing they had done in PE and they had won. Naruto had been on another team that had made it pretty far but not as far as to the finals. Sasuke hoped that wasn't why Naruto was taking such a long time in the showers; it wasn't like Sasuke was to blame for Naruto's teams never getting very far. They hadn't even played each other.

"Yeah," Sasuke said.

Kawa grinned and chewed his bottom lip. He stood there for a moment, hesitating, looking around, then back to Sasuke. Eventually Sasuke gave up waiting.

"What do you want?"

"Oh!" Kawa's gaze had been wandering and snapped back to Sasuke's. "Nothing! Just keeping you company. Um, I mean... Well…"

His face got a bit redder and he scratched his head, gave a muffled something between a giggle and a laugh.

"It's just... I was just thinking. Yumiko-chan... You... You and Yumiko-chan aren't... You know... You're not dating, are you?"

Sasuke had to frown for a moment and think before he remembered. Then it all came back to him and he knew exactly why he was still standing here looking stupid.

"No," Sasuke said and hoped he had managed to make it not sound like a moan. "We're not dating."

Kawa's eyes, his entire face, lit up and his grin got even bigger.

"Really?" he said. "You're really not?"

"She was probably just happy we won," Sasuke said.

"Yeah!" Kawa exclaimed. "She was probably just happy!"

He giggled and scrunched up his nose in delight. Then he waved and headed off in a jog with a 'gotta go, bye!' and a 'see you tomorrow!' Sasuke sighed. He had somehow managed to suppress the event. Yumiko had been on Sasuke and Kawa's team and she had thrown herself around Sasuke's neck when they won. Technically it could have been that she was just happy, but if Sasuke were to bet money or cigarettes on it, he would have said there was no chance in hell she was not flirting; not with the way the girl had squealed in his ear and rubbed her chest against him, almost toppling them over. Sasuke had had almost a life time to hone his instincts and they were all agreeing. She was flirting. And Naruto had noticed.

The door opened again and two other guys from Sasuke's class came out, chatting, their hair wet. No retard blond, of course. Naruto wouldn't show up until the very last minute; he would have to run and wave at the bus driver to wait for him. Really, Sasuke wanted to punch him. Why did Sasuke have to suffer because everyone fell in love with him? It wasn't like he wanted them to, not like he encouraged them or flirted back or anything like that. He wasn't even generally nice. It wasn't his fault.

Sasuke snarled and stuffing his hands in the pockets of his gym pants he started walking. He'd show that stupid jealous blond. Sasuke was not the one that would be suffering. Hopefully there would still some guys left in the changing room to witness Naruto's embarrassment. Sasuke would make him squirm. He could and he would; he definitely could. He ripped open the glass doors and stalked inside.

When Sasuke came to the locker room there were three guys still there, but unfortunately, judging from their wet hair they had already been in the shower. None of them was Naruto though and the water was still running in the shower room. Well, it might be embarrassing even without an audience. Maybe.

Sasuke pulled his shirt over his head, left it on the bench next to his stuff and then took off his pants and underwear. One guy had time to leave and Sasuke mumbled a 'see you' with the others without taking his eyes off the wall. Shit. He wondered when his anger had managed to run away from him. One annoying thought said it was when he had realized it would only be him and Naruto in the showers.

Why couldn't he hold on to the uncomplicated emotions? Why did they have to always run off him like that? Sure, he was still sort of pissed, but not blindly pissed. He wasn't pissed enough that he wasn't nervous. And why was he nervous again? ('Because I might come before we leave and this is the damned school showers.') Stupid... Naruto.

The frustration over his inability to hold onto his anger when he needed it was almost enough to make Sasuke angry all over again, but just almost. He grabbed his towel and his shampoo and shower gel bottles and turned towards the rushing water. While on his way, the water stopped running and the last two guys disappeared out the door. Sasuke didn't bother saying anything in reply to their good byes. He tried and failed to not let the 'we're alone now' get to him.

But when Sasuke came in, slightly more hesitantly than he would have liked to, the showers were empty. There was no stupid blond glaring because Sasuke got hugged by a girl. Sasuke frowned and hung his towels on one of the hooks on the wall. He walked further inside, but still no Naruto. Sasuke sighed, stalked over to the nearest shower and turned it on. The water burned pleasantly against his cold skin. He closed his eyes, let his head fall back and the water hit his face. Really, this was taking way too much energy for something so silly. The blond had probably been in the bathroom sulking when Sasuke came in. It wasn't exactly Naruto's style, but he could be sulking this time. Sasuke knew he hadn't left; he had seen the guy go in and hadn't seen him leave. Technically he could have crawled out through the window, but why the hell would he do that?

Sasuke realized where the blond was about half a second before the door creaked as it opened and could have groaned at his own stupidity. Opposite the actual showers in the shower room was a wooden door leading to a small sauna with wooden benches and a stove that was never on. Why the hell the school gym showers needed a sauna, especially if it was never on, Sasuke didn't know, but he didn't think they had put it in so that students could sneak up on each other. Naruto's feet made soft and slightly squishy sounds as he moved unstealthily across the wet floor.

"Why are you hiding?" Sasuke asked. Because seriously, why was he hiding? The sound feet came closer.

"I wanted to see you," Naruto said and Sasuke was both a bit surprised and pleased to hear his voice a bit weaker than it usually was. A bit out of breath. Sasuke had to smile. Looking good did have a few perks besides not gagging when seeing a mirror.

"Was it worth it?"

The sound of the feet had warned him of course, but Sasuke still flinched when the side of Naruto's face pressed against his back. It was colder than Sasuke's skin. How long had he been hiding in there?

"Yeah," the blond said. "I was waiting for you to show up. My fingertips are all wrinkled. Look."

Arms reached around Sasuke's body and fingers wiggled in front of his eyes. Sasuke grabbed onto the hands to hold them still so he could watch. They didn't seem very wrinkled though; didn't that only happen in the bath? Shouldn't Sasuke be angry? For what though? Oh yeah, for Naruto making him wait because he was angry about that girl. But Naruto didn't sound or seem angry.

"I was waiting for you to show up too," Sasuke muttered, but he wasn't really angry. He touched the fingertips with his own.

"Sorry," Naruto said and pressed even closer, rubbed against Sasuke's back with his face, like a cat. It wasn't as annoying as it should be. "But I knew you wouldn't let me make you miss the bus."

"So you're not pissed?"

"I'm not pissed," Naruto said too quickly. "What's there to be pissed about? I just wanted to see you."

He tried to sound confused by Sasuke's question, but Sasuke could clearly hear that he was faking. Naruto had seen and Naruto was so lying about not knowing what Yumiko had done.

"You are pissed," Sasuke said and turned in Naruto's arms.

"No, I'm not," the blond looked stubborn.

"Yes, you are. You suck at lying."

"No, I don't," Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I'm not pissed!"

He was lying, Naruto was jealous and it so showed. It was stupid of him to even attempt to hide it. It was stupid, but for some reason the lie warmed Sasuke's heart. He wasn't angry. He wanted to smile and hug the stupid liar, but of course, that wouldn't do.

"You saw Yumiko flirt with me and it pissed you off. I know you saw. You watch me all the time."

"Do not," Naruto pouted and his cheeks reddened.

How come they were suddenly not horny? They were both completely naked and looked even better than usual because of the water. Naruto's skin was shining. He was much more tanned than Sasuke was and Sasuke felt pale. They shouldn't be talking at all, they should be making out.

"Whatever," Sasuke said, smirked and turned around again. The water had stopped running so he grabbed his shampoo bottle and squeezed a yellowish glob of it into his hair. The liquid smelled fresh, lemony. The label on the bottle said it was grapefruit, lemongrass and green tea; Sasuke had checked.

"I just didn't want you to think I was jealous," Naruto sounded frustrated and sorry, like 'come on, don't be like that...'

"But you are jealous," Sasuke said.

"I know! I'm sorry! It's just... I just…"

Sasuke kept shampooing.

"You don't like it," Naruto continued, almost whining. "I know you don't like it, you think I don't trust you."

'I do?' Sasuke thought and frowned as his fingers worked through his hair.

"But I do! I do trust you, I just... I can't help it! I hate that everyone knows what I know, that you're cool and beautiful, and I hate that they try to win you over when you're..." Naruto stopped himself before he could say 'mine'. He was quiet for a moment and then he sighed and pressed his head to Sasuke's back again. His hands were holding onto Sasuke's hips. "So I didn't want you to know."

"But you are jealous," Sasuke repeated.

"I didn't want you to know!"

Sasuke turned around. Naruto looked as frustrated and sorry as he had sounded; and a bit frustrated. The blond hair clung to his face and drops of water fell from the ends of it. He was influenced by the head rubbing maybe, but Sasuke couldn't help but think of a scolded cat in the rain. Really. Sasuke gave a small smile. A smile, not a smirk.

"It's fine," he said. "I'll live."

Naruto sniffed and pouted. Sasuke rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Look," he said. "Maybe I like that you're jealous, have you thought about that?"

The blond frowned and looked suspicious.

"What do you mean 'like'?"

Sasuke sighed again and turned.

"Hey! What do you **mean** 'like'? You don't like it!"

"If you say so," Sasuke mumbled and smiled. He wasn't upset, he wasn't angry or anything like that. He was feeling okay. Happy was a strong word for him, but it could be the one that was closest to what he felt.

Naruto kept his rant up for a while, going on about how Sasuke was a liar and a bastard for saying stupid things like that. Yeah, so Naruto thought it was cute when Sasuke was jealous but there was no way that Sasuke could like it when Naruto was. 'Of course you hate it!' He was so silly. Sometimes the jealousy was annoying, when the blond got overdramatic and overdid it, but a little was okay. A little was just fine; and quite natural when you liked someone, right? It had nothing to do with lack of trust. That it felt just fine and natural was a bit surprising to Sasuke. There had been, and probably still were, tons of guys and girls jealous because of him. There were girls who had crushes on him, guys who had crushes on him, guys he had made out with and guys he hadn't made out with, but Sasuke had never been flattered. He had lived with it, accepted it as part of being him, but always wished they would just give it a rest already. Though with Naruto it was different.

When the rant session was over (it had gone from frustrated and angry to whiny to apologizing to nothing) Naruto sighed and dropped his forehead back between Sasuke's shoulder blades.

"You make me so frustrated sometimes," he said. Sasuke wondered if was healthy to be fifteen year old, guys, going out, alone in a shower, naked and not horny?

"You really like it?" Naruto said and his voice was a bit curious now. His hands wandered around Sasuke's body and his arms followed.

"I can't?"

"You can," Naruto said. He moved closer and put his head on Sasuke's shoulder, nuzzled his face against Sasuke's throat. Sasuke let his own hands fall onto Naruto's and leaned back against the blond. He had finished with the shampoo and rinsed during the rant, now they were just enjoying the fall of the warm water. There were no sounds but the water and nothing to see behind Sasuke's closed eyelids. He smelled water and lemony shampoo and Naruto. He could feel Naruto's chest press against his back with every breath he took. Before the blond spoke Sasuke felt his hands tighten ever so slightly, his arms wrap closer. Naruto held his breath for a moment too.

"Sasuke, I... I've been thinking, and... You know, we're... I know this is... kind of... and..."

Sasuke had opened his eyes and was frowning when Naruto gave up and sighed.

"I thought up this great way of saying it that didn't sound stupid or bad or perverted or anything like that. I wrote it down and practiced like crazy, but then I saw you naked and forgot everything. Stupid brain. So I'm just gonna say it."

Naruto settled the side of his face against the side of Sasuke's face.

"You wanna do it? You know... Tomorrow?"

Sasuke had seen it coming, felt it coming ever since he found out about the weekend without parents. He'd thought about it too. It was such a classic. Maybe not as much as doing it in the back seat of a car, but enough. It was a typical, normal teenager thing to do. 'The parents are out, let's do it!' He had felt it coming, but hearing the words spoken out loud still affected him. It made him warm and cold at the same time.

-

No.

Yes!

I mean... Of course I do.

I do? I think. Why shouldn't I want to? Everyone wants to.

But I'm not everyone, I'm fucked up.

That has nothing to do with this. I'm normal when it comes to being a guy and having hormones, I don't have any problems like that. So of course I want to.

Right?

Why is my heart beating so fast? Remember to breathe.

I'm breathing.

Why does it bother me so much? I've already almost done it. This is different but... Yeah, this is different, so it will work out. Of course I want to.

Right?

-

"What?" Sasuke said, then his throat unexpectedly failed and he had to swallow to wet it. "You don't want to wait for the wedding night?"

Sasuke felt Naruto flinch and he suddenly became very aware of how close they were standing to each other. He took note of every part of his body that Naruto was touching with his.

"Well, I..." Naruto began and then he had to swallow too. It was ironic; they were soaked but their throats were dry. "If- If you want to, I suppose..."

"It was a joke," Sasuke said.

"Oh! Oh... O-okay."

It was like they were scared to move, scared to change anything. They just stood there close together and when the water stopped running neither of them turned it back on. Sasuke found himself wishing that Naruto would just forget about it. 'Change the subject,' he thought. 'Go back to being cheerful and childish and say we have to get out of here before we miss the bus. Stop pretending to be a grown-up when you can't even stop trembling.' Naruto was trembling. And he swallowed again.

"You don't want to?" Naruto didn't change the subject.

Sasuke could hear that he tried to sound normal, like it was okay either way. 'I don't mind if you don't want to.' And he almost pulled it off, but not entirely. There was a hint of disappointment in his voice. Of course! There should be, right? Nothing wrong with that. Disappointment. Sasuke should have had to worry if Naruto hadn't sounded disappointed.

The rest had he just imagined. It hadn't really been there, coloring Naruto's voice together with almost hidden disappointment, it was Sasuke's stupid imagination. Naruto had not been surprised. 'He doesn't want to? I thought he did it all the time with everyone.' It was stupid and idiotic and Sasuke knew that Naruto didn't think that and wasn't like that, but... No, it hadn't been there.

"I didn't say that," Sasuke said and managed to fill his tone with amusement, because of course he wanted to.

"Really?" Naruto wanted to know for sure.

"I want to," Sasuke said.

Naruto smiled, Sasuke could both feel it and hear it. Naruto moved, finally moved; cuddled closer and wrapped his arms tighter.

"Yay," he purred softly and pressed a kiss to the skin just below Sasuke's jawbone. Sasuke swallowed.

'Of course I want to.'

-

"Now, you two behave," Iruka said with a very serious look on his face. "I want the houses to be intact, the neighbors to be happy and no one missing when we get back. There's food in the fridge at our place for tonight and food in the freezer for tomorrow and Sunday. Eat it. No take-out!"

Kakashi and Iruka had taken Friday off and would be leaving before Sasuke and Naruto went to school. Long before actually, no sane person was supposed to be up this early, but apparently they had some boat to catch. Sasuke had no idea how Kakashi had managed to talk Iruka into a cruise (a car trip you could always turn back around if you got worried, but a boat?), and he didn't want to know. It couldn't be safe knowledge. Still, Sasuke was very grateful for Kakashi's skills in persuasion. They could have gotten stuck with the Gai guy as their baby sitter; now they just got a small book worth of notes with rules, regulations and warnings, a menu and every phone number they could possibly need for every situation that Iruka and Kakashi could think of, from likely to highly unlikely (Kakashi was responsible for most of the highly unlikely ones). It was like Naruto had never been alone before in his life!

They were standing in the hall (Sasuke's house); it was very early morning and they were getting their last warnings from Iruka. Kakashi had gone to put bags in the car.

"And I'm probably just wasting my breath," Iruka muttered and his very serious face got even more serious. "But **no** sex! I know exactly what you're thinking, but trust me; it's not a good idea. You're fifteen years old. It may feel like you're all grown up but you're not. You're kids! Play with... the Playstation instead!"

Sasuke had expected it, but it was still embarrassing. Definitely embarrassing. Even more so because they were actually going to do it. It would have been a whole different thing if Iruka was just being overdramatic and delusional, but he wasn't. He was so right it was scary. Not that it took a genius to come to the conclusion. Damn, Sasuke hated being predictable. His head was hurting. It was too early in the morning. Because it was so early and because he should be embarrassed because Iruka was on to them, Sasuke dared to hope that Naruto would leave Iruka's speech alone. He could just accept it for what it was; a silly and embarrassing parent thing and not a personal challenge. But of course not, since when was Sasuke lucky and Naruto not Naruto?

"We're not kids!" the blond almost shouted. "Fifteen is not kids. It's teenager. And you don't have to be a grown-up to... to do things! Lee and Gaara do things all the time and you don't complain about them! We...! Ah..."

Naruto stopped talking and took a step back. Iruka took a step forward and he looked murderous, a finger in the air as if it was a sword. The air was so thick with threat it was a miracle there was any oxygen left. Sasuke was impressed. Naruto intimidated? Was that even possible?

"W-We'll be good," Naruto squeaked out eventually. Apparently it was possible.

"No sex," Iruka hissed and stepped back again. "We'll be back Sunday night."

"Be good and have fun!" Kakashi said, coming back from car just then as if he'd sensed the danger and waited for it to pass (and of course he had). "Don't do anything I... Err... Iruka wouldn't do. Yes, that's right."

Iruka sniffed approvingly. Then he transformed from ticking bomb to loving parent as quickly as he had become the ticking bomb (Naruto's sudden mood swings weren't such a surprise anymore). Iruka smiled and gave Naruto a hug, kissed his head and ruffled his hair.

"Be good," he said and then did the same with Sasuke, only more casually and without kissing and hair-ruffling. Kakashi tried to make up for it, because he was an idiot, but only had time to do the hair before Sasuke stopped him with a threatening glare.

The next minute they were in the car, rolling down the driveway, and Naruto and Sasuke stood in the door waving more or less enthusiastic. Naruto yelled 'have fun!' Despite the chilly air, he didn't close the door until the car was out of sight. The first thing he did was threw his hands in the air and yell 'yay! Home alone!' Sasuke grumbled and announced he was going back to bed.

Usually Sasuke would never let an overly excited Naruto into his bed at such an early hour, but somehow the blond managed to get in. For a moment Sasuke wondered if maybe he didn't have the patience to wait until after school, with doing it, sex; but the blond fell asleep almost as soon as he crawled under the covers.

Sasuke lay awake for a moment, thinking and listening to Naruto breathe. He felt restless; itchy. He had a feeling something was on its way.

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	47. His slightly oversized autumn jacket

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: December 4th 2006, Monday  
second version: November 7th 2008, Friday

**F****FdotNet version**

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There are emotionally heavy events taking place in this chapter and I want to warn sensitive readers just in case. Be careful with this one.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**47: His slightly oversized autumn jacket**

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About half way through math on Friday afternoon, the door to the classroom opened and a woman with glasses peeked inside. She smiled to the teacher, checked the bundle of paper she was carrying and then looked out toward the class.

"Uchiha Sasuke?"

Everyone's eyes turned to him and Sasuke closed his books and got up. The woman smiled warmly.

"Lucky you, huh?" she joked and raised her brows. "Getting out of math. Come with me."

Sasuke left his desk and followed her out the door.

"I hated math when I was your age," the woman said as they walked through the corridor. "Wasn't smart enough. Not for law either. I wanted to be a lawyer, but I got stuck with this instead. Pleased to meet you, Sasuke. I'm Itoh Kyoko. Call me Kyoko."

She held out her hand, still smiling and still walking. Sasuke took it and said 'okay'.

'This' was student guidance counseling. Even though she herself had failed, Itoh Kyoko was going to help students become what they wanted to be, or something like that. She had a small office next to the school nurse's, but worked at two other schools beside this one so she wasn't always there. As it was important for the students to know where they were going in life, it had been decided that they should meet with the student guidance counselor at least once a year for a talk; and as no one thought they would go willingly, a schedule had been set up to make sure it happened.

Kyoko opened the door to her office and let Sasuke in first.

"So!" she said cheerfully and dropped her papers on her desk. She sat down in the comfortable-looking armchair behind it and gestured at the not so comfortable-looking normal chair in front of it. "Take a seat. Don't be nervous, I'm not biting."

As if Sasuke wasn't used to talking with people he barely knew about things he'd rather not talk about. His plans for his future were nothing compared to the things he'd been asked to discuss before. Though he had sat on more comfortable chairs.

"So you're great ninja sidekick?" Kyoko said.

"Apparently," Sasuke muttered. And apparently professional secrecy didn't apply to student guidance counselors.

This Friday their class had been scheduled to talk about their futures. How Uchiha and Uzumaki had ended up on different sides of lunch Sasuke didn't want to know, but Naruto had already met with Itoh Kyoko. He had told Sasuke that he had told her that he wanted to become the greatest ninja ever when he grew up, and have Sasuke as his sidekick. Okay, so he wanted to make a joke out of the meeting, Sasuke could understand that, but why ninja? Weren't they supposed to be all quiet and sneaky and shit? It was impossible to not notice Naruto. Naruto had claimed that if you were good enough you didn't need to be sneaky as a ninja and they were cool. 'Who doesn't wanna be a ninja?' Though Sasuke had to admit that Naruto's ninja fake future plan was fairly harmless. Gaara had been met with Kyoko earlier in the week and apparently told her that he wanted to become an executioner.

"I've heard that the pay is great," Kyoko winked. "And it should be, with the whole risking-your-life-on-a-daily-basis thing."

"Could we get this over with?" Sasuke said.

"Right," Kyoko's smile faded and she cleared her throat. "Sorry. So what do you have planned for the future, Sasuke?"

'Because I have to have something planned, right?' Sasuke thought. He didn't have anything planned. He thought about it now and then but always stopped when he came to 'I don't like anything enough to do it for the rest of my life,' because it felt too depressing to keep going. Though saying that to Kyoko was like saying 'yes, I'd love to spend the rest of the day in this very uncomfortable chair even though I don't really mind math.'

"I've thought about becoming a psychologist," Sasuke said.

It was true! He had thought about it. Once. He and Shikamaru had been very drunk and quite giggling.

"I know how it is. I wouldn't just pretend to know because I've read it, I would know, and I think that really helps."

That was what he'd said to Shikamaru too that time, though with more giggling and slurring. Yeah, it was very cheesy and pathetic, and wrong too. Sasuke wouldn't have wanted some former mental case to help him out when he was sick. Even that time, that drunk, about ten seconds after he'd said it he'd started laughing.

But that was the point! It was pathetic enough that Kyoko would see it was a joke and laugh a little before letting him get back to class, just like with Naruto and that crazy ninja idea. Or the lady would actually buy it and let him go with some pamphlets from good psychology schools. Talk done, thank you, oh the sorrow I have to go back to math.

Kyoko looked at him for a moment and Sasuke tried to look serious. He was good at looking serious. Then the lady sighed and started looking through her papers.

"You know, Sasuke," she said. "I've looked at your grades and I think you're a really clever guy. I'm sure that if you put your mind to it you could be whatever you want to be."

"But not a psychologist?"

Kyoko sighed again.

"I'm just saying that you should do what you love, not what you think that you should be doing. Would the world really go under without another shrink?"

The lady threw her arms out and Sasuke's frown deepened.

"Probably not," he said hesitantly and wondered if this happened to everyone.

"So! What do you love most in the world, Sasuke?"

Sasuke couldn't stop frowning. 'Drinking,' his mind said. 'Smoking. Sleeping. Kissing. Music.' But he couldn't tell the student guidance counselor that he wanted to be fat alcoholic with lung cancer when he grew up, that wasn't a profession. Unless he added the kissing and became a prostitute as well. A 'kisses only' prostitute. But he didn't want that! And what was that about drinking and smoking anyway? He hadn't been drinking for months and wasn't he trying to quit the smoking?

"I... I don't know," Sasuke said and tried not to be frustrated. He did not want another individual that could make him a virgin when he was experienced, especially when it was over something as silly as his... his future.

"Come on!" Kyoko groaned. "There has to be something."

Who was the idiot that decided students needed counseling anyway? It was pointless, who planned for their future these days? It wasn't like you wouldn't know what you'd ended up with when you got there. Damn. What else had been on that 'things I do' list in his brain, besides stupid crap things like kissing and smoking?

"Uh, music...?" Sasuke managed finally. Kyoko's eyes lit up like someone had set fire to them.

"Music!" she exclaimed and stood up. "You're a rock star! You've got the looks, the mysterious background and the attitude, it's perfect! You're the gorgeous poet with a wounded soul, secretly longing for love and expressing yourself through music, the only words you trust to convey your true feelings. Do you write?"

Sasuke coughed and stood up as well, hoping it would get him closer to leaving.

"No... Uh, not yet."

"You should!" Kyoko hurried around and desk and grabbed Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke hoped those weren't tears glimmering in her eyes. "It would be beautiful, I just know it."

"O-okay," he said and forced out a weak smile. She smiled and a tear did fall down her cheek.

"Thank you," she said, threw her arms around Sasuke's neck and half-sobbed in his ear. "I'm happy to have met to you."

Before he knew quite what had happened, Sasuke was walking back towards the classroom, feeling slightly confused and unsure of whether that meeting had really taken place. The corridor was silent around the sound of his steps. Rock star? He didn't even like rock. Maybe if it was industrial... It was better than being a ninja sidekick.

-

"I could totally see you as a rock star," Naruto said.

Friday afternoon had turned to evening. Sasuke and Naruto were sitting at the table in the kitchen in Naruto's house, eating the dinner Iruka had left for them.

"Though, I suppose it would be tiring with all the fans," he continued and thought for a moment. "Not that I don't trust you!"

"I told you, I'm not gonna be a rock star," Sasuke muttered.

"What's wrong with being a rock star? Rock is cool. You listen to rock, don't you?"

"No," Sasuke snorted as if the mere suggestion was offensive. And it sort of was. Rock was not his thing. "But that's not the point. I don't want to be a star."

Naruto grinned and he elbowed Sasuke in the ribs, lovingly, or something.

"Don't be like that," he said. "I know you like the idea. Kyoko is great, isn't she?"

"She thought your ninja idea was perfect, didn't she?"

"Yeah!" Naruto stabbed a potato with his fork and held it up, trying to look menacing. "She said I'd make a great ninja. I've got all the right skills."

"If you say so," Sasuke muttered. Maybe 'ninja' was code for something else in the student guidance counselor business. Or maybe Kyoko wasn't very serious with her work; or maybe she was crazy.

"And I would gladly make you my sidekick if you ever get tired of being a star. Of course, you get to be my love slave too. I didn't tell Kyoko about that, but it's a given."

Sasuke kicked Naruto hard on the shin for that and the blond wailed in pain and almost choked on the potato he had finally decided to eat. Oh yeah, definitely an excellent ninja.

This was their first real conversation since they had left school. They hadn't been angry at each other or anything, just... just not really talking. Naruto had been normal at school, smiling and loud and himself, but he'd changed as soon as they got on the bus home. It had become awkward, because of that stupid decision.

Sasuke hated that decision. Why the hell did they have to decide something like that? 'Let's do it tomorrow'? It felt like a business meeting or something, like one of his Tsunade appointments. Wasn't it supposed to be more spontaneous? More about feelings you can't control? Sasuke itched on the inside. Part of him was frustrated. What if it was just about having the opportunity? 'The parents are gone! Let's do it!' Sasuke didn't want it to be about the parents being gone. And when did they become the parents anyway? It was Kakashi and Iruka. Kakashi and Iruka!

Sasuke wanted to say something; something like 'let's do it on Monday instead,' or 'let's just not plan it.' '_Let's skip school one day when it gets warmer and get on a bus. We'll close our eyes and hold hands until we come across a stop that feels right. We'll get off and find the nearest remote location and do it then and there. Let's do that instead, come on. We'll not go if it rains.'_

Why had Sasuke agreed to decide in the first place? He didn't remember. He watched as Naruto continued eating his dinner and came up with ninja moves with his fork and his knife, and he couldn't remember why. It was not that he didn't want to, not that he didn't like Naruto, it was just... It felt weird. He thought he would have felt older. Sasuke thought that when his life would come to involve things like this, plans like this, he would feel different. He would feel more mature, more grown-up; more experienced and less virgin. He realized of course, that he would always be a virgin the first time and that some nervousness and inexperience was supposed to be there, but you could be a cool and relaxed virgin. You could be mature about it, you didn't have to be awkward and unknowledgeable. Really, besides the most basic basics, Sasuke didn't know shit about stuff like that. He knew how, he wasn't stupid; he knew what went where and that stuff. But he didn't know **how**. Sasuke had always assumed that when he was ready...

(No. No, no, no, not 'ready'. Sasuke hated that word. He hated those lines in movies, 'I'm ready.' 'Are you ready?' 'Are you sure you're ready?' Like they had practiced and studied and practiced some more and finally came the test. Stupid.)

When Sasuke was at the point in his life where sex was an issue, he had always assumed that he would know how to do it. Was he supposed to have studied? Did Naruto know how to do it? If neither of them knew, what was going to stop this from ending up like the attempt he and Neji had had those years ago? Really... How could Sasuke not have studied after what happened with Neji?

"I'm taking one of those," Naruto said, his fork hovering over Sasuke's potatoes. Sasuke shrugged.

"Fine," he said.

But instead of stabbing into the thing like he had prepared for, Naruto lowered his hand and leaned closer; Sasuke was looking out the window and saw in the corner of his eye.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked. "You've barely eaten a thing."

Sasuke kept thinking about what Iruka had said, about them being kids, about them only thinking they were grown up. Sasuke didn't know if he thought he was grown up.

"Yeah," he said. "I'm just not hungry."

That was sort of a lie. Sasuke was hungry, a part of him was very aware of how hungry he was, but he didn't really feel hungry. His stomach didn't growl and didn't hurt, and he didn't feel like eating. He knew he probably should, but didn't feel like it.

Naruto laughed a little suddenly, softly.

"I eat when I'm nervous and you don't eat when you're nervous," he said and now he was looking out the window; Sasuke knew because he turned his head to look at him. They were sitting side by side at the table; Naruto closest to the door and Sasuke on Naruto's right side. "It's funny. And kind of sweet, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Sasuke half said, half mumbled, though he didn't know if he thought it was.

"Hey!" Naruto looked away from the window again. "I know! Let's watch a movie and pretend we're not doing anything special today. "

'Wouldn't it be better to just get it over with?' Sasuke's mind said. It wasn't like a stupid movie would take his mind off anything. But they ended up watching a movie; the early evening movie that had just started when Naruto turned on the TV. It was something stupid, as Sasuke had predicted. Some family thing about a miniature pig that, with some help from the kids who owned her, had to save a small town from a couple in suits wanting to build a mall. Not even Naruto was laughing.

Sasuke was wrong though. The movie did sort of take his mind of things. Not at first, but after a while. It wasn't as if he forgot about it, more like the nervousness got numb and didn't bother him so much. About halfway through the movie Naruto threw himself at Sasuke and cuddled close, wrapped his arms around and nuzzled into Sasuke's neck. He smiled and mumbled that he had forgotten they were supposed to cuddle. Sasuke realized he had forgotten that too.

It was weird. The last two weeks they hadn't been as all over each other as they had been before. After that making up thing that Monday before that Tuesday in school in the girl's bathroom they hadn't done much at all; the hug in the shower yesterday had been the most advanced and that hadn't been anything really. Not that they usually did a lot of advanced things with Kakashi and Iruka and school and whatever, but they used to do as much as they could.

Except this week. Sasuke wanted to say that it was Naruto's fault because he hadn't started anything when usually he always did; but that was unfair and stupid because Sasuke was just as much a part of this. Maybe it was the foreboding sex thing that had been there since they found out about the weekend without parents, that both made sense and didn't make sense; knowing they were going to be very close soon made them not do the little close things. They had cuddled (which mostly meant that Naruto cuddled and Sasuke was cuddled), kissed a little, held hands and cuddled some more. It was like they had suddenly become this boring 'married for years and retired' couple.

Now Naruto cuddled close, like he had cuddled close all week; without really doing anything.

"I didn't think it would feel like this," Sasuke said quietly.

"Me neither," Naruto mumbled and Sasuke felt they both knew exactly what they were talking about. Naruto moved even closer. He was half, if not all the way, into Sasuke's lap. His hands were warm and it felt nice. It felt better when they were like that, the whole planned sex thing. A feeling was slowly taking form in Sasuke's stomach. A feeling that whispered 'what does it matter anyway? It's us. No matter when or where or how, it can't be wrong because it's us.' Sasuke felt pathetically emotional.

"I'm sort of happy about it though," Naruto continued. "Happy that it's not what I expected. You know, I'm really nervous; really, really nervous. But I'm supposed to be, right? If I wasn't nervous then it would be like it didn't matter and it does."

Sasuke hadn't thought about it like that. It both made it him feel better and worse. It really mattered, didn't it? It was one of those sappy special couple things that always made Sasuke feel like vomiting, only it didn't now; or, it did, a little, but mostly it made him feel relieved. 'I'm not the only one who's nervous.' And at the same time and just as much, it made him feel awful. It was that special and he didn't know about it? Sasuke didn't feel like it was special. He could use his reason to logically come to the conclusion that it was special. It was something new, something he'd never done before, 'your first time happens only once' and all that. But he didn't feel it. It didn't feel like something precious and special, it felt like something bothersome, something frustrating and he just wanted it over with so that... it was over with!

It wasn't really the sex itself he wanted over with. He wasn't desperate to do it just for the sake of doing it; so he could brag to his friends or not feel like the only virgin or whatever. He wanted the unknowing over with; the worrying, the wondering, the not knowing what it was like and what to do. It hadn't mattered before, but it did now. The sex thing came with the couple thing, so it mattered now. You couldn't really get the sex over with anyway. This wasn't like those vaccine shots you got when you were a kid; you get it once and then it's fine. This wouldn't be like that. It was a couple thing, so it was going to come back. It surprised Sasuke to find that the thought of that, of the sex thing being reoccurring and a part of his life, was okay. It felt okay. Well, assuming it was a nice experience, but why wouldn't it be? Would people do it so much if it wasn't nice?

Thinking about it like that for a moment scattered Sasuke's nervousness and replaced it with excitement. He could definitely see himself as a sexually active individual. He liked kissing and touching, so it felt very possible that he would like sex too. The excitement failed to stay for long though and the nervousness took over again. Some part of his brain told him that it probably wasn't a very good idea to do this now. Right thing and right guy, just wrong time. Another part told him that no matter how hard he studied he would still be a virgin the first time, there would always be nervousness. Better to have it over with and besides, what better way to learn than to just do? Treat it like pulling off a band aid. Do it fast and without hesitation. Or... Maybe not like that, but... there had to be a pulling off a band aid version of sex, right?

It really seemed as though Naruto put more feelings into it and for that Sasuke felt bad. Part of him felt that the blond was just overreacting, but another part felt that maybe it was Sasuke that wasn't reacting enough.

"And I'm really happy it's you," Naruto mumbled, as if he was embarrassed about it. Sasuke felt stabbed, by more relief and more nervousness.

"I'm happy it's you too," he said, weakly, when he could form the words. And that he really was. Sasuke had no idea why, but it felt so to the bones right to do this with this overreacting, weird, silly, loud, stupid but sometimes so utterly wise and for some reason incredible sunshine of a guy. Even if it turned out to be an utterly awful experience, it would still be okay because it was Naruto. For a moment Sasuke was so overwhelmed he could cry.

'_I really, really like this guy.'_

But he was also haunted by the words and other things kept on repeating in his head.

'_It's really __**me**__ who's doing this. It's not some other guy I've heard about; not some person that doesn't matter. This is me. Uchiha Sasuke who lost his family when he was five and a half years old, who's been admitted, crazy and getting better. This is something I chose for me.'_

And that thought was scary. For some reason terrifying.

But Sasuke breathed and wrapped his arms around Naruto's head. He let his mouth find its way through the blond hair, over the forehead and stop just before he reached the nose, to kiss the closed eyelids, rapidly moving because of the blue eyes behind them. Naruto sighed and his arms wrapped harder around Sasuke; it hurt a little but it was fine. It was nice.

"Come on, let's go," Sasuke said before his self could realize what it meant and stop him. 'Better to get it over with,' something said inside of him and that part was so determined all of a sudden, so strong. There was nothing more to say, it seemed. Nothing more to think.

Naruto flinched, and then he nodded against Sasuke's lips. They got off the sofa and went upstairs. Sasuke walked first.

As some part of Sasuke had probably guessed, the nervousness faded as soon as his mind was really made up; like during the movie before the cuddling and talking. The nervousness was still there, but it had gone numb; had been pushed aside because it wasn't useful anymore. Not now. It sort of felt like he had taken half a step out of his own body and was watching himself from the outside.

Naruto seemed even more nervous here though, in his room. He fiddled with things; with the bed as he had sat down on it, with his fingers and his hair. He looked around, out the window, at his hands, at the floor. He talked about things like how he was sorry the room was messy even though he had tried to clean it up and laughed weakly 'what if Iruka and Kakashi come home now? Wouldn't that be awkward?'

Sasuke didn't feel like himself when he smiled (or was that smirked?) and walked over to where Naruto was sitting; when he fell to his knees and kissed the blond on the lips. The blue eyes were nervous when Sasuke approached, bordering on terrified, but closed quickly when their lips touched. Sasuke closed his eyes too, after a moment, and pressed his mouth even closer, slipped his tongue between Naruto's lips as Naruto moved his tongue between his. Sasuke cradled Naruto's neck between his hands and noticed that Naruto's hands weren't touching him yet.

He realized it was like that time; like that first kiss at that sleepover. He wondered if maybe he had been falling already, at that time, without noticing. Things had changed between them after that sleepover, little by little. Sasuke hadn't been so rude after that and Naruto's insistence hadn't been so annoying. When their lips parted and Sasuke opened his eyes again he found Naruto smiling and blue eyes glittering.

"It's almost like that time," the blond mumbled. Sasuke had to smile too. It felt better now; the nervousness had fallen asleep, curled in a corner of Sasuke's heart and while he knew it was there, he didn't mind it as much when it was sleeping. He could pretend this was just like any other time they'd had alone. Nothing special.

"Yeah," he answered.

Naruto's hands lifted from the bed and cradled Sasuke's face.

"You are the most beautiful thing I know," he said.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and in the middle of it Naruto kissed him again. Softly at first, then harder. His hands moved down along Sasuke's neck, under his shirt and Sasuke shivered because the hands were colder than his back. They had been warm before but were colder now. Sasuke slipped his own hands under Naruto's shirt to reciprocate, but used the more convenient entrance at his waist.

They moved closer. Naruto inched closer to the edge of the bed and parted his legs to make room for Sasuke to inch closer to him. The blond soon tired of the difficulties to move his arms and pulled his hands back only to return them to skin again lower. At the same time his mouth left Sasuke's mouth and instead fell against Sasuke's neck. This was the hungriest he'd been all week Sasuke realized; and then he remembered something else.

"Wait," he said and squirmed, retreated his hands from Naruto's back and grabbed onto and pulled at the hands on his skin. He panted and frowned when the blond didn't want to stop.

"Just... Naruto, wait!"

Naruto moaned in misery.

"Whaat?" he whined and pulled his head back to look at Sasuke. He was pouting and panting, looking horribly disappointed and so utterly miserable that Sasuke had to smile.

"Look," he said quickly, before Naruto could get angry and whine about Sasuke laughing at him. "For once could you just... let me?"

"Let you what?" the blond was still whining, but there was a sliver of curiosity in his eyes. Probably thinking something perverted. Sasuke sighed.

"Just let me... You know, do things! You always do things and... and it distracts me. Could you just let me distract you for once?"

Naruto was frowning, thinking, pouting. He looked sort of embarrassed, like he was sorry for something but didn't know what it was he was sorry for.

"I don't get it," he muttered eventually and Sasuke sighed again, but softer this time.

"Just don't do anything," he said and turned on the seduction in his eyes. Spread out his hands on either side of Naruto's neck and leaned closer again. "Just let me."

Naruto held his eyes closed for a bit longer than he did when he blinked. Looked a little less disappointed and a little more curious.

"Okay," he mumbled. "Don't do anything?"

"Well, you can breathe," Sasuke said, his mouth hovering for a moment over Naruto's jaw before closing in to kiss it. "And you can make sounds."

"Talk?"

Sasuke frowned and thought for a moment, watched how the side of Naruto's throat twitched as his heart beat, and then kissed the pulsing skin-covered vein softly.

"Fine. And you can let me move you."

"You're so bossy," Naruto giggled and then suddenly let his body fall backwards on the bed, snatching his throat out of Sasuke's reach just before he could kiss it again. Sasuke glared but the blond was watching the ceiling, grinning stupidly.

"I can't sit if I can't use my muscles," Naruto said.

Sasuke wanted to sigh; he really did. He wanted to sigh and roll his eyes like he always did when Naruto tried to lighten the mood by doing silly things. A part of Sasuke wanted to just go with it and let things get silly; but another, much stronger part of him was protesting. This was **his** thing. It was Sasuke's thing for now and Sasuke didn't want silly. He wanted Naruto distracted and so into reacting that he couldn't act. If the blond had the time and capacity to play around, Sasuke wasn't doing things well enough. So instead of sighing and rolling his eyes and muttering that Naruto was stupid, Sasuke kept his determined/seducing look and began to crawl up onto the bed, using the blond as his ladder. When Naruto's eyes turned away from the ceiling and back to where they should be, Sasuke met them and was pleased to find the silly-streak running away.

"Really?" Sasuke mumbled and Naruto swallowed before he nodded without seeming to be entirely sure of what it was that he agreed to. Sasuke noticed impatience in his eyes, mixed in there with curiosity and surprise, but the blond behaved. Sasuke had to smirk. He made sure to use the journey, pressed his body against Naruto's and moved slowly. They had moved against each other like this before, with clothes and without them, but this was different, Sasuke noticed. He stopped with his face hovering over Naruto's, his hands in the mattress close to Naruto's sides and his knees hugging Naruto's hips; legs folded. The blond's breathing could be heard, because the room was quiet or because the breathing had grown louder; his chest rose and fell. He was excited. Sasuke was pressed close enough to his crotch to feel it. Definitely feel it. Wasn't Naruto awfully easy to please? Or maybe Sasuke was just that special?

For a moment he let them stay like that. Just watching. Just feeling. Then he leaned down slowly and kissed Naruto's lips. The blond kissed him back, hungrily; as if to make up for all the things he couldn't do. Feeling his eagerness, Sasuke was even more impressed by how well-behaved he was. When Sasuke pulled away Naruto followed as far as he could, and when he couldn't follow anymore he whined and licked his lips, breaking a string of saliva that had connected them. His eyes were glazed over and he looked stupid; not quite unlike that time at the kitchen table the first day they met. But still so many things were different now. He was lying down, he was blushing and he was hard, had grown even harder. It was interesting to feel it like this. Sasuke found himself thinking that they should do it like this sometime. Sex.

Sasuke was pretty sure he was blushing too, a little, because it was nice; and he was hard too. The part of him that was half a step out of his body was thinking he should be more embarrassed, more uncomfortable, because of where he was sitting. 'And what the fuck am I doing?' But the part that decided things at the moment wasn't thinking those things. It was just thinking it was nice. And Naruto was so distracted. Sasuke smiled and the blond didn't seem to even think about getting upset about it. He just closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed and talked.

"Why haven't you done this before?" Naruto said, sounding both disappointed and curious. And a bit silly.

"I told you," Sasuke mumbled; wondered silently what kind of mood this was that he was in and how long the nervousness would stay asleep. "You always distract me."

"Maybe you've been right all this time and I really am stupid," Naruto sighed. "I like this you."

"I can tell," Sasuke said and chuckled softly. He moved his hips down. Naruto closed his eyes and his blush got worse, or better, stronger? What was the word again? Increased? Who would care? Sasuke grabbed his shirt and slipped it over his head; leaned back and let it fall to the floor. Naruto watched him and his fingers were really itching by now.

'_I'm really that nice to look at?'_

'_Am I really this bold?'_

'_Is this really me?'_

Sasuke moved closer again and kissed the slightly open mouth beneath him, felt the tongue and the lips and the breath. And heard it. And felt the scent. Both their scents were easier to notice when they were close like this. Sasuke wondered what Naruto was feeling, what he was thinking. Hopefully he wasn't capable of thinking anything.

'_Don't think about anything but how nice it is to have me here.'_

Sasuke was smiling when he pulled back this time and dropped his hands to Naruto's waist to grip at the shirt still on him. He worked the fabric up the blond's back and watched closely as his stomach was revealed. It moved; muscles working under the skin. He wasn't quite squirming but almost. Sasuke wondered if his own stomach looked this fascinating to Naruto. It was strange how simple things got fascinating just because it was them and a situation like this; how every little thing became interesting and precious. Really... How could Sasuke have missed this part of being together? How could he have missed this fascinating journey of exploration? How could Naruto have not told him about this? Maybe he wanted it to keep it to himself, or maybe he just hadn't thought about it as something to share. Sasuke found himself thinking that if what he felt now was what Naruto used to feel when he was the one doing things, did Naruto feel now like Sasuke used to feel?

'_No... It's not that I'm nice to look at. It's that it's me and that it's us. That's why his fingers are itching and my lips are too. It's special because it's us.'_

'_This has to be me. There are too many feelings for me to be missing.'_

The undressing was interrupted as the urge became too strong to ignore and Sasuke kissed the skin hiding the muscles on the not quite squirming stomach. He smiled and felt strangely calm, strangely at peace. He slipped his tongue along the skin and tasted. Naruto moaned and whined, breathed and moved; was really squirming now. Sasuke found himself addicted; kissed and tasted and undressed more and more until the shirt had to go.

"Help me get this off," he then mumbled against the skin and tugged at the shirt. Naruto whine-moaned and pushed his back off the bed as Sasuke sat up and worked the fabric off him. When Naruto's head slipped out of the shirt and his hair dropped back into place, the blue eyes looked into Sasuke's and Sasuke had to stop. The mood was changing all of a sudden and they stayed like that. Sasuke realized he was grateful; he was so grateful suddenly that it would have scared him if he hadn't been so calm. He wanted to stay like this; calm and together like this, showering each other in endearing words without saying anything at all. Then Naruto swallowed and Sasuke almost smiled before he had spoken.

"I... I want more," the blond said, and seemed sorry. But Sasuke smiled. He knew what that felt like.

"I know," he said and leaned closer. "It's frustrating, isn't it? You want to do something, but you're so caught up in everything and... and it's nice. You don't want to lose it."

Naruto licked his lips and nodded.

"Can I touch you? Just a little."

"Yeah."

A hand lifted and of all the places to touch, it chose Sasuke's cheek. It slipped under the bangs and touched slowly and softly, softly. Sasuke closed his eyes. How could the mood have changed so quickly from that to this? It made no sense.

"You know," Naruto said, or mumbled; his voice weak and shaking slightly. "I'm so scared I'll lose you. I keep telling myself that even if I do I'll just get you back, but I'm scared anyway. I don't think I've ever been this scared."

Sasuke looked at him and found the blue eyes glittering with the beginning of tears. When he saw that Sasuke had noticed Naruto sniffled and pulled his hand away. Left the skin cold.

"Sorry," the blond mumbled and looked away for a moment. Clenched his hand and pressed it to his chest.

"There was a time when I didn't think I'd ever get to have anything again," Sasuke said, feeling an overwhelming urge to talk even though it made no sense. When had the mood changed to this? Where was the hunger?

"I thought that I'd be alone until I died," Sasuke continued. "And it didn't hurt. It wasn't painful. I was grateful because it meant I wouldn't lose anything more."

Naruto looked surprised and sad. Sasuke felt sad too.

"When I realized that I was starting to care for Kakashi I was terrified," he said. "I thought that the world would feel that I cared and take him away from me. I ran away from home. It was one of those stupid things I had promised myself I would never do because I'm too smart to think it will solve anything, but that time I did it anyway. I didn't really have a plan, I just left in the middle of the night. It was raining and it was cold; almost winter. So stupid."

It was not a happy memory, but Sasuke had to smile softly anyway. It felt like such a long time ago.

"Kakashi found me before the night was over, wet and freezing; I was hiding in this shelter for bikes next to an apartment complex. I had a horrible cold after that. Kakashi pretended like nothing was wrong though. 'There you are, Sasuke!' he said and grinned and hauled me off the ground, wrapped me in his jacket and carried me home. It was the first time he carried me; I was too cold to protest. I remember I was amazed by how strong he was. How easily he lifted me up."

Naruto sat up and his arms reached out and wrapped around Sasuke. Pulled them closer together. The blond's cheeks were wet where his tears had fallen. So sentimental, but maybe he could be. Sasuke rested his head on Naruto's shoulder.

"Nothing ever happened after that though," Sasuke said. "I worried that the social workers would think Kakashi was a bad parent for letting me run away like that, but nothing happened. We just kept on living. The world didn't take him away."

"I know I'm being silly," Naruto mumbled into Sasuke's hair. "I just really, really care about you."

Sasuke sighed; not a frustrated sigh or an annoyed sigh, but one that said 'I know' and 'it's okay'. Naruto hugged him harder. It felt nice. More than nice, it felt... Them together like this, close, close like this was... It was like drinking something taken straight from the refrigerator when it was so hot you could barely think. It was like finally reaching a heated home after a long walk in January in shoes made for July. It was like sleep when you were so exhausted you almost passed out. It was like hearing a song you'd waited and waited and waited to hear.

Sasuke must have fallen asleep because when Naruto said his name it felt like he woke up. How he could have fallen asleep in the first place was a mystery, unless he had been very tired without noticing. It could have been the tension running away. With a snivel and a soft flinch, Sasuke came back to consciousness. His stomach and his eyes felt like they had been sleeping and his legs were complaining. Was that drool on the shoulder next to his mouth? His back was sort of cold. He was still half-naked, wasn't he?

"What?" Sasuke mumbled when he remembered why he woke up; swallowed and suppressed a yawn.

"Are you asleep?"

Sasuke blinked and struggled to keep his eyelids from falling back down. Wondered if he had been snoring or anything?

"No."

Naruto gave a soft half-giggle, half-snicker.

"Okay," he said. His hands were in Sasuke's hair and his mouth found Sasuke's temple. "We can sleep if you want to."

Sasuke frowned. Naruto might have said 'we can sleep' but his tone very clearly said 'we don't have to do this now.' Like Sasuke would be okay with having gone through all that worrying for nothing just because he'd managed to fall asleep. What was it with this guy and Sasuke losing his consciousness anyway?

"You don't want to anymore?" he said.

"No," Naruto hurried to say. "I mean, yes, I do, I was just... I was just thinking that maybe you... Maybe you're tired or..."

"Maybe I don't want to anymore?"

"Um... well..."

Sasuke knew that part of him wanted to say 'okay, yeah. I did. I never really wanted to in the first place'. But that part of him was sleeping now and the rest of him wanted to; had wanted to all the time.

"I didn't change my mind," Sasuke said. Pushed away from Naruto's shoulder to look into his worried blue eyes. "I want to."

'Get it through your thick skull already,' he thought, but wasn't sure if he was aiming it to Naruto or himself.

They stayed like that, just watching each other and at first it seemed silly; but then the hunger that had slipped away at some point before came crawling back. They looked into each other eyes and it came back and pushed sleep away from Sasuke. It was a tension first; a change in the air. It was something in Naruto's eyes and something in Sasuke's chest. Then it could be heard in their breathing; and felt; as their muscles moved without their commands, twitched and trembled. When their lips finally met it was as if they had been kissing for hours already without getting tired of it, with hunger, starvation. They were tasting and sharing; playing, teasing and chasing. Touching. Naruto pulled back quickly though; too quickly for the hunger that Sasuke knew he felt. He ran a hand through Sasuke's hair and looked bothered suddenly.

"What?" Sasuke frowned.

"I have to... there's..." a blush was creeping onto the blond's cheeks. "Just hang on a second!"

Naruto wriggled his legs out from under Sasuke and pulled away. Sasuke's frown deepened when he was left alone on the bed as Naruto hurried over to the other side of the room and started rummaging around in one of his wardrobes. Sasuke was just about to express his dissatisfaction when he suddenly realized what the blond was talking about. He sort of blushed a little himself, and felt stupid; he hadn't thought about that at all. Sasuke looked away from Naruto and cleared his throat. He hastily unmade the bed that for some reason had been made when it usually never was, just to have something to occupy his hands with. The nervousness was starting to wake up. Damn. How could he not have thought about that?

When Naruto started messing around with something sounding like plastic and closed the wardrobe again, Sasuke looked back to him. The blond was blushing even more now and seemed to hesitate, gripping a small, red bag in one hand. His hair was messy and despite everything Sasuke had time to think that he looked good like that; very nervous and embarrassed, but good. Handsome. Naruto was watching the bag in his hand, then he made up his mind it seemed, took a deep breath and walked back to the bed with determination in his steps. He sat down in front on Sasuke with his legs crossed and placed the bag between them.

"We will need some things," he said, and sounded frighteningly much like their chemistry teacher when he explained their experiments in class.

"Yeah," Sasuke said and wondered if he should look at the bag or at Naruto or maybe at something else. The blond was hesitating again, nervous; he was watching the bag as if it would jump up and bite him any moment now. His hands were on his knees and he was very slightly rocking back and forth, probably without noticing. There was an awkward silence for a moment. Even if he didn't know where he should be watching, Sasuke's eyes had locked on the bag too. Then without warning Naruto quickly grabbed the red plastic and poured the bag's contents out before tossing the thing away. Sasuke heard it fluttered away toward the floor but didn't pay much attention to it. Naruto probably didn't either. The colorful collection that had scattered between them seemed a bit more interesting; or maybe a bit more embarrassing.

"I didn't know which ones to get," Naruto said and his voice sounded a bit strange. "The book didn't say, stupid book, so I couldn't make up my mind and I was in a hurry because there were all these guys from school in the store and... I got a bit carried away."

"Okay," Sasuke said. His voice sounded a bit strange too. Amidst the awkwardness that was so thick now that it could probably choke them if it wanted to, Sasuke was relieved. He had not signed up for going through that many condoms. At least he hoped he hadn't. He hadn't, right? Then he realized another thing and could tear his eyes from the colors.

"The book?"

"Ah!" Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth and his blush got worse even though that should be impossible. He closed his eyes and groaned as his head fell forward.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I didn't know anything about these things so... I read this book. Not a bad book! A good book, a... a decent book. I borrowed it at the library from the health and body section."

"You read a book?"

"A good book," Naruto mumbled. "I just didn't want to do anything bad."

Sasuke had his lower lip between his teeth and he could hear his heart beat. Naruto had studied. Sasuke didn't know why that made such a difference but it did. Of course, it was good news! Sasuke didn't know anything so it was good that Naruto did. It was supposed to be good news. Sasuke was suddenly afraid he'd throw up.

"Are you angry?" Naruto said quietly, glancing up at Sasuke from under his hair. Even his hair looked sorry. Sasuke swallowed and shook his head.

"No," he said.

"Really?"

Sasuke nodded. But he was getting frustrated. Something itched in his chest and for some reason a part of him just wanted to get up and leave. It wanted to just forget this special thing that he suddenly felt like he had already failed at. He hadn't known it was special, he hadn't studied and he hadn't thought about the things they would need. It seemed he was stupid when it came to this. Sasuke sighed.

"So who's doing what?" he asked, even though that wasn't really what he wanted to know. He didn't know what he wanted to know, but that wasn't it. Naruto looked up, confused for a moment that seemed too short; then he blushed and glanced away.

"Ah, umm..." he fiddled with his pants where they formed waves around his knees. "How... How much do you know about... you know, this?"

Sasuke glared. Naruto noticed.

"I-I mean...! I didn't know but there are really a lot of things that can go wrong and I don't want... I mean I..."

The blond threw back his head and sighed in defeat.

"There's no nice way to say this, is there?" Naruto stared at the ceiling for a moment, then he turned his head down again and looked at Sasuke with determination in his eyes. "I'm not letting you top."

Sasuke opened his mouth; then he closed it again. He had lost his glare and if he had to guess he would say he looked a mix of surprised and tired of being surprised. He was offended; but he was also actually, strangely thankful. Most of all he was thankful.

"I read that book," Naruto continued. "And I'm pretty sure you didn't. I know things you don't! Unless you read the book, but you didn't. Right? You didn't read the book, did you?"

"I didn't read the book," Sasuke said.

"So I can't let you top!"

"You don't...?" Sasuke began and thought for a moment before he continued. "You don't think I could have gotten the knowledge from anywhere else?"

"Huh?" Naruto frowned.

"Say, maybe from experience?"

"Wha... What experience?" Naruto looked confused, and he sounded confused. Very confused. Sasuke had to laugh; a weak and half-broken laughter. He put a hand over his face and hoped his eyes didn't look as wet as they felt.

"You... You've done this before?" Naruto's voice was drenched with what sounded like horror and disappointment. "I thought you... I mean, you said you've never..."

"No, no," Sasuke said, placing one of his hands on one of Naruto's. "I mean, yes. I said I've never and I've never."

Naruto was pouting. Sasuke had to smile; a soft and grateful smile.

"I don't know anything about this," Sasuke said. "I didn't read the book, any book, and I haven't learned anywhere else. I just thought that maybe... Maybe you thought I had."

"You told me you hadn't done it before," Naruto said.

"I know," Sasuke said. "But maybe you thought I was lying. With what that guy said when we went to the city, I wouldn't blame you if..."

Sasuke was interrupted as Naruto threw himself around his neck, almost making him fall and sending condoms flying.

"I'm sorry!" he almost wailed into Sasuke's neck. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that maybe he was right, I really didn't mean that."

Sasuke blinked in surprise; Naruto kept talking.

"For a... For a moment I wondered, but it was a very, very short moment and then I knew he was lying because I know that's not like you. I didn't think that maybe he was right when I said that. I wanted to take it back but I was... angry, and then I was ashamed. But I'm really sorry."

Sasuke lifted his hands, grabbed Naruto's arms and rested his chin on Naruto's shoulder. Looked up at the ceiling.

"I didn't think you meant it," he said softly, quietly. "I was just... thinking... There was... I was just thinking."

He didn't want to say why he had been thinking. He didn't want to say that there had been rumors flying around in the city about him; false rumors that most people didn't pay any attention to and while Sasuke had known better than to really care, because there would always be stupid and jealous people out there, somewhere it had hurt anyway; indirectly Sasuke had cared. It had made a difference. But that was not for here and now. Naruto would be upset and for no real reason either; he didn't want to know and he didn't need to know. It was not for this night. Sasuke closed his eyes and breathed. Nervous; it tickled the inside of his stomach. Naruto pulled back some and looked at Sasuke.

"I'm really sorry," he said.

"Okay," Sasuke said.

They watched each other for some seconds before they kissed; softly at first and then more, hungrier. The nervousness stayed this time. It grew stronger and mingled with the excitement until it seemed impossible to distinguish one from the other. Sasuke found himself clinging to Naruto; not wanting to let go. At the same time he felt stupid and wanted to stop being so emotional and caring. He wanted so many things; and didn't want just as many.

Sasuke was happy that Naruto had gone back to doing things, to letting his warm hands and his wet mouth wander. The places he touched had been touched before, but it still felt new. Sasuke felt more than he used to feel. Maybe it was the nervousness. Maybe it was the condoms that Sasuke felt here and there; plastic against his skin as he moved and as Naruto finally pressed his weight forward and had them lying down.

At some point Sasuke started trembling, slightly, and found it impossible to stop. His heart started beating faster and he opened his mouth to breathe when he wasn't kissing. He made sounds. They both made sounds. It was the same sounds as they always made, but somehow they sounded like something Sasuke had never heard before. Strange new moans and sighs and groans and whimpers seemed to echo in the room. It felt in a way like they were in a hurry, or rather, like they were trying to make themselves so busy that they could pretend they weren't doing what they were doing. They were getting ready. Foreplay, wasn't it? 'This is my first foreplay,' Sasuke's mind said. But then he considered and had to correct himself. He and Neji had gotten through the foreplay that time, before things got awkward. Neji had not studied.

"Hey," Naruto whispered. He had moved away from Sasuke's mouth, down, pressing kisses against and gentle nibbling at Sasuke's ribs. Now his head was hovering above the place where Sasuke's ribcage ended.

"I can see your heartbeats," he said.

"Oh?" Sasuke panted and looked to meet the blond's eyes. Naruto nodded.

"Right here," he said, and kissed the place softly. As he did his eyes disappeared behind a gathering of blond hair and Sasuke realized his legs were already spread, with Naruto already nestled between them; he hadn't even noticed when it happened. Shit. He closed his eyes for a moment and just breathed. Just breathed and felt the lips and tongue against him.

"Can I take these off?" Naruto asked; his words falling on the wet skin and making it colder. His hands tugged at Sasuke's pants.

"Take off yours first," Sasuke said and opened his eyes again. Looked at the ceiling, then looked at Naruto. Only Naruto wasn't looking at him. He had his attention on his pants, fingers already fumbling with the button. Sasuke turned his gaze back to the ceiling and tried to count how many condoms he was lying on. Five? Seven? Did the ones that were just touching him count as well?

Was this really a classic first time case? How many of those stories he'd heard were actually true? Did Naruto really remember to close the door to the fridge before they left the kitchen? The mood had changed again. That there were so many moods to go through for these kinds of things... Sasuke had had no idea. The sound of a zipper was followed by the rustle of cloth and creaks of the bed as Naruto moved around to get his pants off.

'_I never really said he could top, did I?'_

The pants fell to the floor, Sasuke could hear it. Then Naruto came back to kiss Sasuke's stomach, though lower this time; closer to the pants.

"There," the blond said. "I'm really naked now, there's nothing more to take off. Are you happy?"

"I'd giggle if I weren't worried you'd take it the wrong way," Sasuke snorted. He'd planned for it to sound better when it came out. It was supposed so sound as if he were amused, only he wasn't. He was nervous. He had almost sounded scared. Naruto snorted too, though he did sound amused.

"So friendly," he muttered, stuck out his tongue and started working on Sasuke's pants. For some reason they were easier to take off than Naruto's had been. Soon Sasuke's ass was lifted off the bed as the cloth of both his pants and his underwear were pulled over his hips and away from his legs. They were tossed to the floor too.

Naruto moved softly upwards this time, until his lips hovered over Sasuke's and their bodies were pressed together. Their breaths were mingling. They watched each other for a moment and Sasuke marveled at how blue those eyes were. Marveled at how far away the city felt and how he suddenly didn't feel nervous at all.

"You're blushing," Naruto mumbled and a hint of a smile was on his lips.

"So are you," Sasuke breathed.

It was close though, the nervousness. Like a storm. There was a storm just outside his world and it would soon be here. It was scary, but at the same time exhilarating. 'Knock me off my feet,' Sasuke challenged. 'I don't want to be afraid.'

Naruto reached down and kissed Sasuke again. His head was tilted to the side and his tongue soft and slow. A low squishy sound came as they parted and their eyes met again. It felt like they were talking, with their eyes, but Sasuke wasn't sure about what.

"I need to..." Naruto started and for a moment his eyes didn't move from Sasuke's. Then they did, darted toward the side of the bed. "We need..."

'Oh yeah,' Sasuke realized. 'That'. He swallowed and nodded. The nervousness was coming back, creeping closer like dark clouds on the sky; like the hunger had before.

'_What will it feel like?'_

Naruto moved away. One hand on the mattress, as if not to put too much of his weight on Sasuke, he leaned over the edge of the bed; reaching under it, or so it seemed, and giving Sasuke an eyeful of his behind in the process. Eventually he hauled himself back onto the bed and looked much more embarrassed than when he had left; though it could be because he had had his head so low. The thing in his hand looked like hair gel, the tube slightly bluish in color while the liquid inside looked clear. Sasuke caught the word 'SLIDE' of the title, the rest was hidden behind Naruto's fingers.

The blond sat down with his legs under him, between Sasuke's, and Sasuke wondered when his knees had bent. Naruto felt suddenly very far away. There was uncertainty on his face, in his eyes and Sasuke wondered what was in his own. They were doing it now? Already? That was too soon, wasn't it? Shouldn't there be more kisses and more touching? A different mood? Where was that blissed-outedness that melted all your sensations together to a goo of pink cloud feeling? This felt... This felt entirely too down-to-earth.

"Okay," Naruto breathed with eyes closed, as if to himself. The tube cap opened with a snap.

Naruto moved closer; Naruto inched closer slowly. He had started trembling too, hadn't he? Sasuke had been trembling since he started; it had just calmed down enough that he almost didn't think about it now and then. A kiss was pressed against the inside of Sasuke's knee and he flinched. Naruto flinched too; glanced at Sasuke and for a moment looked terrified. Sasuke shook his head and swallowed.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

He felt so stupid; so really, horribly pathetic. If he could just stop trembling, that would be an improvement. Stupid, stupid. He wanted to close his eyes but the ceiling was too interesting, too safe. Sasuke flinched the next time Naruto touched him too. Fuck. He clenched his hands and now he did close his eyes. Pathetic. In his mind he begged Naruto not to say anything. 'Just get on with it,' he said in his mind. 'Don't mind me and don't you dare say anything.'

Naruto didn't say anything. The third touch was an arm thrown around one of Sasuke's legs, a hand pressed to his hipbone and a big sloppy kiss to the inside of his knee. Naruto used lips and tongue as if the skin was Sasuke's mouth. Sasuke flinched this time too but he barely noticed himself. Naruto pressed himself closer and didn't seem so far away anymore. Sasuke's trembling didn't seem so violent when they were this close; it didn't seem to matter so much. The hand not occupied with pressing down on Sasuke's hip wrapped around him to distract with pleasure and Sasuke realized that he was at least semi-hard. Pleasure was good distraction. He pressed his head back into the pillow and drew in a ragged breath. The pink cloud feeling was starting to creep up on him. Sort of. Hopefully.

'I want this over with now,' Sasuke's mind said, though he wasn't sure if it had even begun. 'I want this over with so I can sleep and get away from this consciousness.'

Then he felt Naruto's fingers. Which hand was that? Sasuke didn't know and for some reason the lack of knowledge felt very relieving. It felt clearer than he wanted it to be. It didn't feel pink cloud at all.

At first it was physically just weird, an odd pressure. It seemed hopelessly impossible to relax. Emotionally it was a babbling mass of 'fuck,' and 'okay, that's not so bad,' and 'I want out,' and 'come on, get it over with,' and 'this moment will never come back again,' and 'why the hell do I care?' The emotional side of things took up most of Sasuke's consciousness, at first.

Then it went from physically just weird to weird and painful and the emotional stumbled. It lost most voices except 'fuck,' and 'I want out' and gained a 'if just this feels like this how will later feel like?' There was a cloud around it now, not a very pink one, but there was some sort of mass where world and feelings blended together. At the same time everything felt very clear. Sasuke could feel the touch exactly and how the fingers shifted. He could hear sounds and if he looked he could see Naruto, blushing and not looking at Sasuke's face. It was like it depended on what part of himself he tried to feel with. One part of him felt everything clearly; another part could only see the cloud.

When the pain really flared up, Sasuke flinched and squeezed his eyes closed and begged himself to relax. Someone had said that to or around him concerning this, 'relaxing is important. If you don't relax you're screwed.' Sasuke remembered that someone had retorted 'no, if you do relax you're screwed.' Someone had laughed then. Who was it that had talked about that?

Sasuke thought about stretching after practice when he had fought when he was younger. That was painful, even bordering on intolerable now and then but he knew it wasn't so he endured. This was like that. 'It's just stretching after practice,' he told himself and with some time he got used to it.

Naruto said something, but Sasuke didn't hear what it was; he couldn't distinguish the words. 'If we stopped now,' Sasuke thought. 'Would it count? Will I be a virgin tomorrow if we stop now?' It felt hot. Warm. All of him felt hot. The hands moved and the place on his knee where Naruto had kissed got cold. This time when Sasuke looked, Naruto looked back at him. The blond's cheeks were red and his breathing came through his slightly open mouth. He looked scared and willing.

Sasuke felt suddenly calmer, forced himself to focus on the part of him that was in the cloud. He even managed a smile; a small hint of a smile, but it was very genuine. It felt like before this moment had happened yesterday; the talk and the worrying and the condoms. 'Oh, yeah...' Sasuke thought as he remembered.

"Did you remember to put on a condom?" he asked and seemed to jerk Naruto out of some thought or another. The blond looked surprised and confused for a moment and then he swallowed.

"Um, ye- yeah," he said and gave his lower lips a quick nibble. For a moment Sasuke wondered when he'd had the time for that; then he took a deep breath and let it stay in his lungs for a short moment before letting it out again.

"Okay," he said; turned his face toward the wall for a moment, then back toward the ceiling. Behind the calm, something felt like it wanted to throw up.

Naruto came closer. One hand reached for Sasuke's face to stroke fingers against his skin. They were sort of wet. Wetish. Or maybe they weren't. It was trembling. Sasuke couldn't tell if his own trembling had stopped or was still there. When their mouths were close enough to kiss Naruto dropped his lips down and kissed. Sasuke kissed him back. Then Naruto came even closer and such things ceased to matter.

It was painful. More painful than the fingers. Sasuke inhaled and made some kind of whimpering sound that didn't suit him as Naruto's hand half-clenched and unclenched against Sasuke's cheek.

"Sorry," Naruto half-mumbled, half-whined, but he didn't stop. He moved slowly, like a snail here and there and sometimes hesitated, but he didn't stop.

One part of Sasuke wanted to scream at Naruto to get away and give his body back to him. He felt invaded, usurped. It was his body, had always been only his and there had never been any doubt about it, but now it felt like someone other than him laid claims to it. It felt like being robbed of your most essential possession.

Another, more influential part of Sasuke knew that he would feel even more pathetic if the blond stopped now and said 'okay, let's just stop. You can't handle it.' Sasuke could handle it! It was just sex, come on, people did this all the time; it was nothing you couldn't handle. Sasuke had fought and wiped the floor with guys who had been able to handle this. Naruto must have known that too. Sasuke told himself that was why he didn't stop.

As he kept repeating that thought in his head, 'I can handle it!' Sasuke heard himself make more weak, whimpering sounds that made him want to amputate his throat. Naruto made sounds too, whimpering ones, but his did not sound weak; his were happy. Naruto had pressed his forehead against the place under Sasuke's ear. That was sweat running down Sasuke's cheeks, right? It had to be sweat; for Sasuke's sanity it had to be sweat. He remembered Iruka saying they were just kids.

The pink cloud had gone away and he was left with the raw, clear feeling of all of it. It was not just the pain, it was everything. Everything felt. The world and the feelings had separated from the mass and everything felt. The separation of the feelings was so overwhelming that Sasuke had to grab a hold of Naruto's shoulders.

Sasuke felt stupid. He felt stupid and ugly, inexperienced, weak and pathetic and... He remembered something he'd heard someone say. 'She was an awful lay. She was just lying there. Might as well have been sleeping. Maybe she was.' Hadn't he said that he wanted to do things? Do something? But there was no way to do anything with this. It felt impossible, all he could do was lie there and do his best to keep it together. He could just lie there, feeling and hearing and being moved. Not moving, but being moved. It gave strength to the delusion that his body was not just his anymore.

There... There was something else there with the hurt, something that could have been nice. It was sort of nice, in a dull, 'I almost can't feel it' kind of way. Now and then it flared up, like the pain had done before, to be stronger than just sort of nice and at those times Sasuke forgot that he wanted this over with. He wished he could focus more on those moments, but there were so many other things fighting for his attention. There was the hurt, the awkwardness, the 'I feel so stupid' and the 'I'm seriously not a virgin anymore.'

And there was something else. It was something overwhelming that Sasuke couldn't quite discern yet, but he knew he would soon; it was quickly crawling closer to the light that was his understanding.

Sasuke closed his eyes. He didn't want to see more of the ceiling and the strands of Naruto's hair bobbing as he moved. It was dark for a moment, behind his eyelids.

He heard things more clearly with his eyes closed; their breathing as things kept happening, his breathing and Naruto's breathing. He heard a soft sticky sound, the rustles of the sheets and the creaks of the bed. The creaks were not very rhythmical and there was some time between them, could have been anything, but it still felt so vulgar. Sasuke had never noticed creaks of a bed like he noticed them now.

Then the overwhelming thing came into the light and Sasuke saw his brother. He was smiling.

-

Itachi stood on the sidewalk, dressed in his slightly oversized autumn jacket; the one with colors of the leaves, brown and yellow and red. The trees following the road were colored in autumn colors and the sky was clear. Yellow, fallen leaves covered the ground.

Itachi was smiling and held out Sasuke's pale blue car that Sasuke loved but had lost to the insides of their mean neighbor's yard.

Itachi had gone over the fence and saved it.

-

Sasuke smelled Christmas, the tree and the candles. He felt the warmth of Christmas and saw the lights; the decorations. All the red and white and green and gold and sparkling.

They stood on their knees on the sofa, Sasuke and Itachi, looking out the window. The sky was black and the world would have been dark if it hadn't been for all the lights people had set up. Their yard was covered in snow and in the middle of it stood the two snow men Sasuke and Itachi had built when it was still daylight. One was smaller than the other and a little crooked; a little brother and a big brother. Itachi had helped Sasuke find stones to decorate his with and had showed him how to roll big balls in the snow.

It was snowing. Their father was coming home soon and when he did they would have dinner and then they would wait for Santa.

Sasuke was so excited he thought he might burst to pieces.

-

Itachi had helped him climb that tree on that field close to their house. Their mother didn't want Sasuke climbing there because he was too small, but Itachi had helped him anyway; because he was his brother and supposed to help him. The tree had been big but Itachi had helped him and Sasuke hadn't fallen once.

'_I have the best brother in the world!'_

-

Sasuke gasped, a broken, half-sob of a gasp, and tossed his head back, to the side. Away. As far away as he could. He squeezed his eyes shut even harder in a desperate attempt to will the visions and emotions away. It forced tears down his face.

The world was louder, bordering on roaring. It was like the breathing made echoes. And the creaks of the bed and their sounds.

Everything burned; Sasuke's eyes and his chest and everywhere where he was touched. He was sweating and trembled like he had a fever that was too high. His breathing was panic. The world was panic and pain and too strong emotions that Sasuke didn't want to feel. It was chaos and just too much.

At the same time one place inside him was quiet and still and calm. One single thought was there. It wasn't screaming like the other thoughts and not raging. It was quiet and sad.

'_Why doesn't he notice?'_

'_Something is horribly wrong. Why doesn't he notice?'_

Somewhere Sasuke found the awareness and control to turn his head and open his eyes to a world that was blurred. He had to blink before he could really see his own hands holding onto Naruto's shoulders, Naruto's throat moving as he swallowed. He saw Naruto's face, muscles tense and sweat glistening on his skin; messy hair. His eyes were closed.

Naruto saw nothing.

Sasuke's tears stopped falling and the feelings suddenly calmed down. All of them. The trembling that had been running through his body stopped as if they had never been there.

He watched Naruto's face calmly until the blue eyes squeezed together hard, forehead wrinkling. Naruto stopped breathing. His face was drenched in bliss, pleasure, paradise. His cheeks were red.

When Naruto started breathing again, as suddenly as he had stopped, his face fell closer to Sasuke's; half-way to it. He whined again, sounding tired, exhausted. He opened his eyes and closed them again; swallowed and panted again. He pressed his forehead against Sasuke's and panted against his mouth.

Everything was calm. Sasuke could hear his own heart beating and it felt way too rushed for the calm he was feeling. Sasuke felt like he was wrapped in thousands of layers of thin as air and numbing cotton. He wanted to stay that way.

"I'm sorry," Naruto mumbled, half-panted between his hard breathing. His voice and what he did felt suddenly so foreign. "I got a little... Did... Are you hurt?"

"No," Sasuke said and it was both the truth and a lie. He wasn't hurt, but at the same time he was completely torn apart. The flesh was torn from his bones and he was bleeding to death. But that was under the cotton and Naruto would tear it away from Sasuke if he knew. There was no need for him to know. This was nice, this bleeding to death; much preferable to unwinding the layers.

"Really?" the blond sounded relived.

"Yes."

Naruto pulled back his head and Sasuke could see his blue eyes more clearly. The blond looked relieved, calm and afterglow happy. Sasuke tried to smile and found it was easy. Naruto smiled too. He lifted one of his hands and stroke the back of two fingers across Sasuke's forehead.

"You're all sweaty," Naruto said, his voice soft. He was still panting slightly and still smiling. His eyes were shiny. But he looked older than he was. He looked seventeen. Sasuke was very sure that it was seventeen. 'I slept with a seventeen-year-old,' his cotton-wrapped mind giggled and it almost manifested in his throat. Almost. Would have done it if Naruto hadn't chosen that moment to notice what Sasuke hadn't even noticed. He looked down between them and said:

"Ah, you didn't..."

The end of the sentence was blurred out from Sasuke's hearing with a strange sound that reminded him of something noise-like from one of his albums; like a censor beep in a movie only it was an almost painful noise and not a beep. Sasuke had to frown. For a moment he didn't understand. Before he could say 'what?' though, Naruto wrapped around him and he understood. A ripple of emotions ran through him again, all emotions and all feelings that had been kept away from him. He became aware of what exactly it was that the cotton was protecting him from, why it was so vital, and he panicked. He tried to stay calm, tried to keep the calm and panic at the same time but you couldn't! It was impossible.

"It... It's fine," Sasuke tried and must have sounded desperate, but Naruto frowned and looked frustrated.

"It's not fine," the blond said. "This is for both of us. You're supposed to feel good too. Hang on, I'll do you."

Sasuke wanted to scream. Scream and struggle and get away and hide; but there was no time. Naruto's hand moved and though he didn't know why, Sasuke was so close. Too close. It felt so good it hurt.

Sasuke was sad; so, so sad for a moment. So sorry.

'_I don't want to be like this. I want to be someone he deserves. I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy.'_

Then the peak of pleasure tore through his being and in an instant the covers of cotton were clawed off his skin and burned to nothing. He heard himself whimper. He was left naked again, left feeling and trembling again. His throat and chest and eyes and every muscle in his body burned. He felt Naruto again. He hadn't given Sasuke's body back yet.

Sasuke squirmed on the sheets, moved and tried to keep the sobs from traveling through his throat. He tried to keep them in his chest where they could only burn him. He could not break down here and now. Impossible. No way. He'd rather die.

When the pleasured writhing had stopped and only the trembling was left to move Sasuke's body, Naruto kissed him. Sasuke's eyes were closed so he could not see. He didn't want to see. The lips moved and the tongue slipped into Sasuke's mouth but Sasuke couldn't even consider kissing back. He couldn't move his lips at all, could do nothing except concentrate on breathing and holding back his sobs and his pain.

"You're so beautiful," Naruto mumbled against his ear.

Sasuke couldn't stop thinking about Itachi.

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	48. Hear nothing

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: December 11th 2006, Monday  
second version: November 11th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**48: Hear nothing**

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On normal days Sasuke didn't think about Itachi. On the days when Sasuke had to think about Itachi, because it was time to go see him or Tsunade had decided to talk about him, Sasuke always made sure to keep his thoughts and his emotions at an absolute minimum. He never really allowed himself to feel or think them, just gave them enough attention that he realized they were there.

Because he had learned over the years that no matter what he felt for Itachi, it was wrong. No matter what he felt, the feelings weren't right. It wasn't wrong because his feelings and thoughts broke some rule that someone had set up, not wrong because someone thought they were inappropriate; it was wrong because it didn't work. There was nothing he could really feel and still keep his sanity. There were no suitable feelings for Sasuke to carry towards Itachi. There was no coming to terms with his older brother.

The bus ride home from the city that Tuesday had been a quiet one. Nothing had been said after Sasuke had told Naruto about Itachi killing his parents, not until they were already home and Sasuke asked Naruto what he wanted to drink with his toast. He'd wanted milk. Sasuke had had water. They had spent the afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, talking softly and unhurriedly about things that didn't matter; school and upcoming tests and the fight two girls had had on the school yard the day before. Naruto had said that Lee had a contest on Saturday next week and Sasuke had agreed to come with him. Sasuke told Naruto about the flowers on his plant finally starting to bloom. The red parts hadn't fully opened yet, but it was still beautiful. Red against white, white against the green leaves.

They hadn't talked about Itachi or what had happened those many years ago. Naruto hadn't asked any questions and Sasuke hadn't shared any more details. There was nothing to say, they both knew that. Sasuke knew there was nothing he could say or Naruto could say that would make things better and nothing that should be said because it was polite. 'I'm sorry' would just be stupid and rude and annoying, like saying 'hey, that's so sad.' It was too weak, so it was better not to say it at all. And Sasuke didn't need comforting. Sasuke hadn't told Naruto because he needed Naruto to help him deal with it, he had told Naruto because he wanted Naruto to know. He wanted Naruto to know who he was. Naruto had seemed to know too, that there was nothing he could say to make things better and that Sasuke didn't need any words. Sometimes the blond was so wise it was scary.

After that Tuesday, as the week and a half had passed, Sasuke hadn't thought about Itachi at all. It was like he'd pushed his brother away and unconsciously pretended he'd forgotten about him. That in itself had been a hint, and of course, Sasuke knew, unconsciously. Itachi was there and would always be; it was just a matter of time before he showed up. Sasuke kicked himself for being stupid. He should have known.

-

Sasuke had the self-control to make it to the bathroom and the toilet before he threw up. There wasn't much to get rid of; he hadn't eaten a lot for dinner after all. He had probably known, somewhere, that it would be a disaster and this would happen. It wouldn't matter if he ate, he'd lose it anyway.

He spat, closed his eyes and felt dizzy; the world was spinning in the darkness, but his head felt strangely empty. Before Sasuke left Naruto's bed, he had struggled violently against the breakdown. He had struggled against tears, shaking, sobs and pain. It had been so much chaos, so overwhelming and so painful that for a moment he'd thought it would kill him. Part of him had wished it would, kill him off, or at least ship him to unconsciousness; but a bigger part had needed to get away.

Naruto had said something softly as he cuddled close to Sasuke but Sasuke had been too distracted to hear what it was. It hadn't seemed to be a question though; Sasuke hadn't said a thing and Naruto hadn't cared. When the blond's breathing had even out and his muscles had relaxed enough, Sasuke had left. It had been easier than he thought it would be. Naruto hadn't noticed a thing.

Now it was like that breakdown was gone, like his body had tossed it out along with dinner. Or maybe it was the distance from the bed, from Naruto; the distance in time. The thoughts and feelings didn't haunt him now. He was cool, empty again, in control. Or something.

There were the physical things. There was the angry throbbing ache from the sex, more an ache now than outright pain. There was the cold. Sasuke was naked, his skin was covered in sweat and the room and the floor tiles were not warm. It felt better though, to be trembling from cold and not from other things.

Sasuke noticed a stain of left-over pleasure on his stomach and made a face; he pulled a length of toilet paper from the hanger on the wall and wiped it off, tossed it in the toilet and flushed. He watched the water swirl. Naruto had cleaned them up before. Apparently he sucked. Just like he sucked at noticing when things were wrong.

Sasuke both wanted Naruto to notice and wanted him not to notice. He wanted him to wake up, realize that Sasuke was missing and get up and find him. He also wanted Naruto to keep sleeping and not wake up for a long time. Sasuke felt betrayed that his distress had gone unnoticed, but he also felt relieved. He both wanted to share it and wanted it for himself.

If you took out like and dislike, it had been a bit surprising that Naruto had so completely failed to notice. Yes, the guy was often an idiot, but when it really mattered he wasn't. Naruto had seemed to know exactly what Sasuke wanted and done everything right when he had found out what happened with Itachi that Tuesday. Sasuke had thought that this would count as something that really mattered too, and that that innate wisdom would know, and see. But it hadn't.

Sasuke didn't want to think about that. He had a strong feeling it would hurt if he let the thoughts wander and he didn't want to hurt anymore now. It was useless thinking anyway. Wouldn't do any good. He chose to focus on his options instead. It really all came down to Naruto and what Sasuke wanted the blond to know from here on. The blond had failed to notice when it was happening and Sasuke had lied and said nothing was wrong when Naruto asked, but that didn't mean he would never ever know. If Sasuke went back to bed now and stayed there he would give Naruto a huge opportunity to wake up cheerful and cuddly and oblivious but if he stayed all night in the bathroom until Naruto found him there in the morning it would be much harder to mistake for a good thing. The blond would worry and feel awful and apologize and possibly even cry.

Sasuke realized that he didn't want either of those things. Both those options, and most versions of those options that would lead to the same things, were... They felt wrong. Sasuke didn't want Naruto to think everything was fine and he didn't want to face 'full of regret' Naruto that was bound to appear when the blond realized that everything wasn't fine. There was only one version of letting Naruto know that something was wrong that didn't feel wrong and that was the cruel, selfish and cowardly option. Sasuke knew it wasn't a solution, if anything it would only make things worse. Kakashi would be disappointed and worried, Iruka would freak. Naruto would be hurt, not just full of regret but also of worry and confusion, and he would have to be all those things alone. Sasuke didn't like the fact that it was history repeating itself, he had just told Naruto that story about him running away from Kakashi and hated when things he thought that he'd grown out of came back and felt reasonable again, but it still felt right to the bones, like it was the only thing he could do. There was no way that Naruto would misinterpret and Sasuke would be given some time before he had to face him. There were only the practical things left, starting with the lack of clothes.

Sasuke looked around in the room, focused now that he knew what he had to do. He couldn't go back to Naruto's room and risk waking the blond up. He hadn't bothered turning on the lights in the room when he entered, but a stream of street light came in through the frosted windows. His eyes locked on the basket in front of the washing machine and a part of him flinched as he remembered that first time when Naruto didn't stop. For a second he wanted so badly to change his mind, go back to bed and just forget that what had happened had happened. The next second he pushed that want away and focused on the mountain of clothes instead, dumping it on the floor and starting to rummage through it. In the back of his mind the thought of wearing Naruto's clothes felt wrong, but going back to get his own clothes felt worse and so did breaking into his own house (especially since he would have to run naked across two front yards and a road to get there. It wasn't late enough for that, not enough alcohol in Sasuke's system and his legs did not feel like running).

There were big clothes mixed with smaller ones, Iruka's mixed with Naruto's. Sasuke found and pulled a black t-shirt over his head, content with the color. It was Naruto's, the size told him that; almost right. He put on the first underwear in the almost right size that he found, not wanting to think too much about that. T-shirts were one thing, underwear something else, even if the clothes had been washed. For a second Sasuke thought about going without, but not for long. Deciding on pants turned out to be a bit more frustrating though. Naruto only had one pair in there and they were orange. Orange was so not Sasuke's color and only slightly preferable to no pants at all. It took some hesitation before Sasuke pulled them on, with a grimace. If the grimace was more because his legs didn't want to move at the moment or because the color hurt his fashion sense, he didn't know.

-

Those memories of Itachi were things Sasuke had forgotten. He had pushed them away from his mind when he was a child because he didn't want happiness mixed with the hate. He had pushed away many, many childhood memories, and now and then over the years they had showed up again. New forgotten memories would come back and remind him of the fact that he really, really had loved his brother. And still did. He still did love that brother and it hurt. It always hurt so intensely.

At the same time as he loved he had to hate. As Sasuke was reminded of the love and happiness, he was reminded of what he had lost, what had been stolen from him; his entire world. Everything that mattered had been broken and killed with his parents. Sasuke had just been a child! His parents had been his home and his stability, as important to him as air and the blood in his body. Itachi had been his joy and his future; his adventures, his curiosity of the world and his burning urge to grow stronger and do all the things he saw his big brother do. Losing them had been losing the most vital parts of his self. He lost present and future, and with them the past. There had been nothing left. Nothing to cling to but the hate.

As Sasuke loved and hated with all the power his being could summon, he was invaded by guilt and regret for both emotions, by thoughts that said 'I was so stupid to love you,' and 'I was so stupid to hate you.'

'_Now I'm even more stupid because I know what you did and I still love you.'_

'_Even though I know you only did what you did because you were sick, I still hate you.'_

Every feeling was wrong. No feeling was right. No matter what Sasuke felt toward Itachi, it was unbearable and impossible to accept.

On normal days he could fight it off, hide it away and pretend it didn't matter; Sasuke could live his life and he could function. But when those lost, happy memories came back and brought the most intense love, the hate had to follow, and the guilt and the regret. It was like they were tied together on a string and bringing one would always bring the others. They flared up within him, strong and angry and roaring; like water kept behind a dam and suddenly set free. Four dams in four corners of a valley, disappearing at the same time. Sasuke was the valley and the small house in the middle of it was his heart.

This time he had already been disrupted and unbalanced. The angry waves of emotions had crashed over a heart and mind that was already hurting and struggling to keep it together. He had already been overwhelmed; naked and vulnerable and physically sharing himself as much as he could physically share himself, with someone that wasn't him and could never understand. No one could ever understand.

-

When Sasuke got used to it, walking was okay; not overly pleasant, but okay. He was headed for the bus station; hoped that, since this was a Friday, there would be a bus going even if it was late. He had dared a trip to the kitchen and taken some money out of the small emergency stash Iruka kept beside the microwave. This was an emergency, of a sort. Wasn't the man always going on about them being a family? Sasuke figured he was as much entitled to that money as Naruto was. He had left through the front door in his own shoes and jacket.

It was quiet outside, for a Friday night. Sasuke heard his feet against the asphalt and some drunkards laughing somewhere once but not much more. Now and then a car passed, headlights either staring him in the face or showing him his shadow against the ground. He had met an old lady walking her dog. It was cold, being night, but Sasuke felt grateful for anything that could distract him from what had happened and what he was doing.

Sasuke reached the bus station to find it empty. Not a soul. Not a bus. The small station building was dark and looked closed. Sasuke's hope that buses could still go even if the building was closed was lost when he reached the time table. The last bus headed for the city today had left an hour ago and the next one wouldn't leave until six in the morning tomorrow, a night from now. A bus coming from the city would stop there in about half an hour, but that was not Sasuke's direction. He snarled and kicked half-heartedly at the wall before flopping down on the bench under the time table, at the moment too angry to care about his body complaining. He cradled his forehead in his hands, his elbows on his knees, and felt the emotions trying to force him to express them. He refused. He was cold.

Even if he refused the emotions, he couldn't help but think about what he had been doing when that last bus had left. It felt easier without the emotions involved, but not easy enough. It really had been pathetic. Awful and pathetic. He had been pathetic. Really, that was not how he had imagined getting rid of his virgin status. Sasuke had always sort of assumed that he would end up doing it with someone he barely knew because he was drunk enough to think it was a good idea. He hadn't felt that that was a good way to do it, just been realistic enough to see that it was most likely. The only reason it hadn't happened already was... well, luck, or something.

Sasuke wasn't sure if it was luck. He wasn't sure if this way was a better or worse than being drunk and barely remembering what it was like. It seemed to Sasuke that either way was pathetic. In a way though, he wondered if maybe the awfulness wasn't a good thing.

It felt like... it was supposed to be awful, because it had taken something away, something important. It hadn't been just remembering those things about Itachi and being devoured by all those emotions. It hadn't been just the physical things and the awkwardness and being stupid. There had been something else there too, another kind of wound bleeding. If those memory wounds and physical wounds were comparable to being cut in the arm, stabbed in the stomach, shot in the leg or punched so your nose bled, then that other wound felt like an amputation. Sasuke felt like he had lost an arm. It wasn't one of his regular arms that he used for writing or punching or holding the fork when he ate, this was a forgotten arm that he hadn't used in a very long time. He had forgotten that he had it. At some point during that time in Naruto's room, that arm had been cut off. Once it had left his body, it had disintegrated and now it was gone.

Maybe... Maybe this awful experience was better than a drunken night he couldn't remember. As awful as losing that arm had been, at least Sasuke knew how he had lost it. There was no fuzzy memory with blanks everywhere that was just as likely to be imagination as the real thing. It had really happened and Sasuke knew how. He would remember.

The sound of feet against asphalt drew Sasuke from his thoughts and he looked up to see a girl he recognized. She hadn't noticed him yet and walked with determined strides across the big black spot of asphalt where the buses turned and stopped to pick up and drop off passengers. There was a look of confidence on her face, and happiness; she looked like she was having a good evening. Her hair was tied back and she carried a bag that looked too big for her easily on one shoulder. Haruno Sakura.

Something made the girl look different from what Sasuke was used to seeing every day in school. She looked relaxed, carefree. Sakura always had something in her eyes that either made her look like she was taking a difficult test or like she was expecting a difficult test to be thrown at her any second; and she desperately wanted to pass. At that time when she had confessed to Sasuke, Sakura had looked like she was taking the biggest test of them all; a test that she had studied to take for months and that would decide her entire future. Like Sasuke held her future in his hands.

It had never been like that with Naruto. Naruto hadn't waited for Sasuke to make any decision about his future; hadn't even considered Sasuke's feelings when he shared those wedding plans of his. Naruto had never made Sasuke feel like he waited for Sasuke to determine his future.

Just then Sakura glanced in Sasuke's direction and Sasuke could see the change in her entire being as she saw him. She stiffened and slowed down. Her being seemed to gasp and he could almost see her heart racing by just looking at her face. She looked absolutely terrified for a moment, like Sasuke was a train and she was tied to the tracks. She smiled and stopped completely; the smile faded but came back again. The terror never quite left her.

"S-Sasuke-kun," she said and tried to sound cheerful and normal, like he was someone else, just a guy in her class. She failed horribly. Sasuke didn't know why but he was the center of the world to her. He wondered for a moment if that was how Naruto felt too.

For some strange reason the constant infatuations that had followed Sasuke for as long as he could remember seemed more reasonable than Naruto's claimed love. It felt like Sakura's feelings for Sasuke were much stronger than Naruto's feelings for him were, not because Naruto was a guy and not because he was an idiot (Sasuke had had plenty of guys and idiots after him before), but... it just didn't seem to make sense. Naruto had seen much more of Sasuke than Sakura and all the other infatuated girl and guys had. Sasuke could understand the admiration from a distance, but he supposed that he couldn't quite see why that admiration would stay put when the person in question got to know him. Why would he still be interesting when the mysteries and coolness and good looks, all those things were over with and it was just Sasuke?

"Hey," Sasuke said. He tried to sound and look like nothing was wrong and hoped he didn't look like he felt. The girl came closer; terror softened to just fear and it looked like she was trying to force her racing heart to calm down.

"Hi," she said and her smile didn't look so faked anymore; a little relieved. "What are you doing here?"

Sasuke raised a brow that asked 'it's a bus station, what do you think I'm doing?' and the girl giggled. That look was back in her eyes now, 'it's a test and if I don't pass, I'll die!' He couldn't help but wonder if she wasn't tired, carrying that around all the time. Sasuke knew he had been, when his life had been a test. Though maybe his had been 'if I don't pass I'll never let myself live.'

"But there are no buses this late," Sakura said and there was a hint of worry in her voice that she tried to cover up with cheerfulness and 'I'm really not nosy and worried, just curious'. She was trying, she was trying so hard to be nice and pleasant and not annoy him.

"So?" Sasuke said. He hadn't said he was here for a bus, after all, just hinted. Sakura looked confused. Then she looked frustrated, almost angry and Sasuke could see in her eyes that she really just wanted to say it 'come on! Get off that bench! It's too cold!' Naruto would have. Naruto wouldn't have bothered with trying to play nice if he found Sasuke sitting outside when it was cold. (Well, tonight he definitely wouldn't, but he wouldn't have yesterday either, or even before they got together.)

But Sakura covered up her flash of frustration with weak laughter, looked at the ground and gnawed at her lip. Sasuke wished she wouldn't try so hard. He hated when people pretended.

"I'm on my way home," Sakura said and shifted. "I've been at a friend's house."

She lifted her eyes back to Sasuke and for a moment it looked like she was going to leave. Maybe she had planned to. But something changed in her eyes as she looked at him, something grew determined and... daring. She looked a little like Sasuke expected a person scared of heights looked as they finally decided to jump off that bungee jump board, or whatever they had when they were bungee jumping. Instead of leaving Sakura came closer with determined strides. Sasuke's eyes flickered to the girl's hand as it went into the pocket of her jacket. She pulled it out when she stopped in front of him. Sasuke heard the soft sound of plastic, saw the familiar colors and his whole being tingled, his attention following as if in trace as she held out a package and a lighter.

"It's your brand, right?" Sakura said. "My dad smokes those too. He told me to pick up a pack for him after school, but I'll tell him I forgot. You look like you could use them."

With addiction and traumatic events there were no room for stuff like pride and no sense of 'it's her dad's, I shouldn't' or 'but I'm quitting!' Sasuke's hand clenched around the things and soon his nails were clawing at the plastic and the paper; his fingers pulled a cigarette out and he held onto it with his lips as he lit it. Sakura watched him inhale deeply and he would have felt stupid if it hadn't felt so good. His being sighed and for a moment the evening didn't seem as awful anymore. Such a silly thing, those addictions.

"Thanks," he said eventually and looked up at Sakura. The girl had taken a step back and was looking calmer now and she looked pleased with herself, like she had gotten that test back with an unexpectedly good score. She probably wouldn't be able to stop smiling in bed tonight before she fell asleep.

"Don't worry about it," she said and the relief was everywhere in her voice. Sasuke colored the air with his breath as he pushed it from his lungs, if greyish white was a color. He wondered what Naruto was doing. Was he still asleep or had he sensed the wrongness and woken up? Was he dreaming? Was he smiling in his sleep? Had Sakura noticed that Sasuke was wearing Naruto's pants?

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked, as if she knew and hadn't already done something for him. For a moment she reminded Sasuke of Tsunade, a lot. He must have looked surprised when he shook his head.

"No," he said and his voice was weaker than usual.

"Okay," she said and smiled a genuine smile. Then it faltered a bit, only to come back again with more sadness.

"I... I'm sorry," Sakura said. "I wish I could, do something for you; anything, I mean..."

Then she seemed to realize what she had said and blushed, looked away for a moment before looking back.

"I'm sorry, I should get going," she said and her smile weaker this time. "Don't worry about the cigarettes."

"Okay," Sasuke said.

The girl forced her smile to grow stronger before she turned and started walking. After only a few steps she stopped again, but didn't turn as she spoke.

"Everyone was really surprised when you and Naruto became friends. You're really nothing alike, Naruto is... well, Naruto, and you are..."

Her voice trailed off and Sasuke saw her head lower. He remembered that time; she had said that she loved him. 'I love you!' she had almost shouted and had sounded so desperate. Sasuke had wondered then and still wondered what it was about him that was so special.

"I don't think I was very surprised though," the girl continued; her voice strong again. "I don't think it has to be about having things in common, sometimes you get along anyway. I'm sorry, for what I said that day. I don't really think Naruto is a jerk, I shouldn't have said that."

Sasuke remembered that time in school, that rainy day when he had passed out in Naruto's arms. He got this feeling and wondered how much Sakura knew, if there was something behind what she was saying. They had been careful in school, him and Naruto, but maybe she had seen something, somewhere, at some time. What would she say if she knew what had happened? If she knew everything?

"Can I borrow your cell phone?" Sasuke asked. Because all the other questions were questions you asked yourself not others and it was time for Sasuke to get going. Sakura turned back to him, slightly frowning and looking surprised. Maybe she didn't have a cell phone. Maybe she was wondering why he hadn't asked her before, that was what Sasuke was wondering.

"Sure," she said eventually, slowly and looked like she was dreaming. She walked back; pulled open the pocket on her jacket and fished out a red folded phone. Sasuke crushed what left of his cigarette on the asphalt between his feet.

"Who are you calling?" Sakura asked as he opened the phone and dialed the number as if he did it several times every day. There weren't many numbers that Sasuke wanted to remember, so the ones he did remember he remembered well.

"My ride," he said. He got off the bench and walked a few steps away. He would have called even if Sakura hadn't showed up and even if he hadn't asked, from a payphone or someone's house. He didn't really need a bus. The phone call went as Sasuke had expected. Orochimaru was suspicious at first, having an unknown number show up on his personal cell phone, but as soon as he heard who was calling the man was delighted. Of course he would send someone to pick Sasuke up.

When he returned the phone to Sakura, Sasuke said 'thanks' and told her he had to go, to meet up with his ride. Sakura didn't know how long it would take for Orochimaru's guys to get anywhere near this place, so she smiled in relief and said 'okay'. She held onto the phone as if it was precious now that he had touched it and breathed into it. She asked him to take care of himself and then said 'see you on Monday.' Sasuke said 'yeah,' and then he left.

As he walked away, Sasuke wondered if he would be back here by Monday. It seemed way too soon and way too far at the same time. Sasuke wanted to be back and things to be okay now. But they weren't. He was still hurting. He was distracted by his own determination, the nicotine and the socializing, but the pain was still there. Even if he wanted to, Sasuke couldn't stay here right now.

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	49. Scary place to be

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 29th 2007, Monday  
second version: November 14th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**49: Scary place to be**

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Having children is a special thing, a very special thing. It's one of those things that make you feel like you could die tomorrow and be satisfied. Only you can't; because dying would mean leaving your child alone and there's no way to feel comfortable with doing that.

It makes you feel so needed that it hurts. When you become a parent, you become the most important person in the world, and at the same time you don't matter at all because your child is everything.

You're not alone anymore. You will never be alone again; not even when the child is grown up and moved out. Your child will always love you.

When you eventually do die, you leave something behind in your children. You never really die because through your children, you live on; even if they're not your own. Having children is immortality.

And a bunch of other pretty things that people talk about when it comes to children, mostly the ones that never had any, to make the pretty picture.

The pretty picture rarely mentions the screaming because dinner is not exactly what the child had in mind, the repainting of your living room because 'it needed some color!', the making swings in the garden with your newly washed sheets and jungle scenery.

Having children is messy, yelling and chaos. It's worrying and never knowing what to expect. I know that. I've lived and raised Naruto since he was seven years old. Of course I know that children are chaos and never what you expect.

When did I forget what having children is all about? When did I start thinking that life could be planned?

Maybe I raised Naruto too well.

-

It was Friday evening and Iruka and Kakashi sat in the dining area of the boat that was to be their home for the weekend. Or maybe boat was a small word for the vessel, maybe it was a ship. Iruka wasn't sure and it frustrated him because he was a teacher and should know. It was a bit embarrassing and that was probably the reason he never asked anyone and kept on not knowing; he was supposed to know.

The place was probably meant to be a restaurant; or it was a restaurant, it just didn't quite feel like it. It felt like the dining area of a shopping area aimed at families during a particularly big birthday party for a five year old, or like the canteen in school during the busiest lunch hour. There were kids everywhere, all seeming to be under ten years of age, and being together and they were in public, they were very energized and very loud. Iruka couldn't help but think of an army of little Narutos and the thought made him shudder.

Kakashi didn't look as relaxed and cool as he used to look when they were out together, or home together for that matter. His back was straight, muscles tense, eyes narrowed and he was glancing this way and that. He looked like he was walking through a bad neighborhood at night, not having dinner in a restaurant on a boat. Ship. Whatever.

The man didn't like children. He had told Iruka not long after they had met. 'I hate children,' he had said, casually; as if it was something about the weather. 'They're loud and stupid and childish.' Iruka had first looked stunned, then he had laughed.

'They're children! They're supposed to be childish!'

'Well, I don't like it.'

'You liar! You have a son!' Iruka had exclaimed, but he had been more amused than upset, remembered he had been slightly drunk at the time. 'And an adopted son. You wouldn't adopt a child if you really hated children.'

'I'm not lying,' Kakashi had said; he hadn't been upset either, though there had been something hurting in his eyes. 'Sasuke is not a child. Not even the first time I met him.'

Sasuke was not a child.

"Do you want to leave?" Iruka asked and smiled though he wasn't really happy.

Kakashi's attention snapped from his surroundings to Iruka and there was a millisecond of glare in his eyes before they smiled, before he laughed.

"Whaat? This is nice, isn't it?" he lied. "We got our own kindergarten. Like a rose garden but easier to manage."

Iruka had to chuckle, shake his head and be sort of amused as Kakashi flinched when a boy gave a particularly high-pitched scream behind his chair.

"See?" the man's smile just almost failed. "It even comes with a soundtrack."

Iruka supposed it bothered him that Kakashi almost always played easy-going when he wasn't. Kakashi liked to show the world that nothing bothered him or surprised him. He liked to smile and give silly comments when people least expected it. For having said all those things about Sasuke hating people who pretended, Kakashi was an awfully dishonest individual.

Of course, sometimes the man was honest. When things needed serious, Kakashi was serious. When he couldn't joke around because the situation just wouldn't accept it, he didn't joke around. And maybe it was a bit harsh, saying Kakashi was dishonest. He probably wouldn't lie or pretend if Iruka really asked him to be serious. It was just... Well, Iruka supposed it just bothered him.

It could be the fact that Kakashi seemed to choose when to pretend to be silly and when not to; the fact that his emotions were so... not overwhelming that he could look at them rationally and make a choice before expressing them. The only time Iruka had seen Kakashi lose that ability to choose was when it was about Sasuke; like that evening when Kakashi had brought Iruka to his apartment for the first time. There had been overwhelming emotions at that time. Kakashi had been scared and there had been no way for him to hide it.

It could be that Iruka was a tiny, tiny bit jealous, because Sasuke would always affect Kakashi more. Kakashi would never choose Iruka over Sasuke; not in a million years, not even if it killed him. And the man had the nerve to say he hated children. Yes, Sasuke **was** a child.

Iruka had never believed that thing Kakashi had said about Sasuke not being a child. Maybe Kakashi needed to pretend that he wasn't because he didn't want to compromise with his stupid 'I hate children' belief, but that didn't mean he was right. The boy was a child. He may not want to be a child and may do things that he thought adults were supposed to do, but that did not make him a grown-up. Iruka wasn't entirely sure what it was exactly that made an adult, besides the obvious, age, but he was sure that Sasuke didn't have it. That belief had been with Iruka since he first heard about the child that was not a child and it had only grown more firm as he got to know more things about Sasuke; when he saw his picture, heard more stories from Kakashi and met the boy in person. Really, Kakashi could be such an idiot sometimes. Not a child... Come on!

They didn't leave the restaurant until they had both had finished their meals (Kakashi had eaten slowly) and had dessert ("Of course we're having dessert! It won't be a real dinner without it."). And Kakashi called Iruka stubborn. The stroll around the ship that followed the dinner sort of just happened. It was nothing they had planned, nothing they had talked over and decided to do. There hadn't been much talking since Kakashi decided to be stubborn about the dinner and the children anyway. Iruka supposed that he himself had been a bit snappy and ignoring. But he could be! If Kakashi could be stubborn Iruka could be snappy. So the stroll just happened. They left the restaurant and just kept walking as if they had silently agreed to it. Maybe because neither of them felt like going back to their room (was it called a room when it was on a boat?) and go to sleep before they had made up. If they were fighting. It was strange, Iruka didn't know if he could say that they were fighting or had been fighting, despite the clear distance and tension between them as they walked. It was like they were both fighting themselves rather than each other, at least for now. The frustration was kept within them; as if they were waiting for the right time to set it free.

Iruka didn't know why he was so hung up about this at the moment; about Kakashi's feelings, or lack of them, and... and he supposed it was about Sasuke too. They weren't new feelings, new frustrations; Iruka had been dragging them around for some time now. And Kakashi was frustrated about something as well, Iruka could tell. This was supposed to be a nice trip, wasn't it? They were supposed to relax and have fun without the kids. That was what Kakashi had said when he came up with the idea. Not that that was the real reason, Iruka wasn't stupid; he knew what Kakashi's plan was about. Why he had gone along with it again?

They usually did take walks when they wanted to make up, him and Kakashi. Sometimes like this time, without planning it or saying anything and sometimes one of them said it, 'let's take a walk' or 'we need to go for a walk now'. They walked until they couldn't walk anymore; then they talked until things got better. This time they had walked around the boat two times when the frustration in both of them had grown so strong that they couldn't handle it anymore and the silence was disrupted.

"Why are you so pissed off?" Kakashi asked, his voice filled with annoyance.

"I could ask you the same thing," Iruka said, through gritted teeth.

"Are you asking?"

"Would you answer if I did?"

"Sure I would," Kakashi said and his tone clearly said that Iruka was the only one being unreasonable and to blame. Their steps had gotten harsher and more hurried, like the walking version of slamming doors, but at those words Iruka stopped and turned. Smiled, but not because he was happy.

"Why are you so pissed off?" he asked.

"I don't know," Kakashi said simply and glanced out toward the sea. They were outside; it was cold but Iruka barely noticed. He felt like throwing the stupid man over the railing, but that was immature, wasn't it? Instead Iruka sneered.

"That's what I thought. Pathetic."

"At least I answer," Kakashi said in a low voice.

It could have been a mutter but it wasn't, it could have been scary and it sort of was. It didn't stop Iruka's frustration but still made it stumble a little, in surprise as he realized he'd never seen Kakashi really, really angry. For some reason it made Iruka feel a little better, the fact that it was there. He suddenly wasn't all that angry anymore. He was, but not... as angry.

Iruka snorted and looked away. Turned away. He leaned against the railing that separated him from a fall into the water. The waves were dark.

"Why are we here?" he asked and glanced at Kakashi then looked away from him again. Some moments of nothing but the sound of waves and boat engine passed.

"What do you want me to say?" Kakashi said eventually; his voice was not as low and bordering on dangerous anymore.

"I think you're more desperate for Sasuke to grow up than he is," Iruka said. "And he's the teenager."

He glanced at Kakashi again but the man did not look surprised. He didn't look anything really, was emotionless again. It brought back the anger that Iruka had lost.

"You think you're off the hook as soon as he grows up?" he asked and turned to Kakashi. "As soon as he starts fucking, he won't be your responsibility anymore and you won't have to be his father? Is that what you think?"

"That's not..." Kakashi started. He wasn't emotionless now, not cold anymore. There were many feelings taking turns on his face, swimming in and out of his eyes. Part of Iruka felt bad about it pleasing him, but still it did. Real emotions, for once.

"If that's what you think then you're an idiot," Iruka continued and croaked a weak laughter. "You won't ever get off the hook. Once you take this job you're in for life, didn't anyone ever tell...?"

Before he could finish, Kakashi had moved forward and slapped his hand over Iruka's mouth. For a moment the man's eyes were angry, very angry. The grip hurt and Iruka's heart beat harder than usual. Then the angry eyes turned sad and the muscles in the hand on Iruka's mouth relaxed. Kakashi sighed and looked in the direction of his feet. His other hand, that had gripped Iruka's shoulder, grew softer as well.

"You're so frustrating sometimes," Kakashi muttered; this time he did mutter and he looked into Iruka's eyes. "I don't... It's..."

He sighed and shook his head before he continued.

"It's not that I don't want to be... be a father, it's just... He doesn't want to be a child."

The pain and almost desperation that Iruka found in Kakashi's eyes made him regret the things he had said. What was he angry about anyway? What was there to be angry about? Iruka slipped his own hand softly around Kakashi's and uncovered his mouth. He moved closer and held onto the edges of Kakashi's jacket.

"It doesn't matter what he wants," Iruka said softly. "He is a child."

"Teenager," Kakashi said.

"You do know you make yourself sound like Naruto, right?"

Kakashi opened his mouth but as realization passed over his face he closed it again. Then he smiled a small smile and said 'right'.

For some reason it felt better when they walked back. Iruka wasn't sure if they had really made up, or rather he knew they hadn't, but it felt better. Some part of Iruka couldn't help but wonder if he had some sort of mental problem, because it made him feel better to hurt the man he loved. Kakashi had been hurt; he had been angry and hurt and he hadn't been able to control it. Probably. No, definitely. Definitely hadn't been able to control it. Iruka didn't know why that was better than the controllable feelings. It shouldn't be, right? He shouldn't prefer something that needed Kakashi to hurt. Knowing he did prefer it made him feel worse about feeling better.

"You do know you never answered my question, right?" Kakashi said when they had reached their room, entered and closed the door behind them. "Why are you angry?"

It could have been said in a rude or a joking way but it wasn't said in either. It didn't rouse Iruka's anger again. He sighed and sat down on the end of the bed.

"I don't know," Iruka said and looked at his hands; though he wasn't sure if that was the truth or if he just didn't want to try and find out. Maybe he would just rather not know. Kakashi fell to his knees on the floor and dropped his head into Iruka's lap. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Iruka's back.

"I'm angry at myself because I'm not a very good father," Kakashi sighed. "I'm angry at you because you won't let me ignore it anymore."

Iruka sighed too and let his arms and hands rest on Kakashi's back. He felt tired all of a sudden, like all the air had left him.

"I'm angry because I'm worried," Kakashi continued. "I'm always so worried; though I pretend I'm not because I don't want him to think anything can go wrong. He's had enough things go wrong in his life."

He was talking about Sasuke of course; Iruka's hands twitched and his arms held onto Kakashi a little harder. He had this feeling that this would always come back. They would talk about it and it would feel okay but then it would come back again. It felt like they were trapped in a circle and they wouldn't get out no matter how many times Iruka said 'you're not a bad father; you love that child more than anything.'

More than anything.

"I'm angry because you love him more than you love me," Iruka said and his voice was weak and almost a whisper. "I know it's not the same kind of love, but that doesn't change the fact that the love for him is stronger."

Kakashi twisted on the floor and turned his head. He looked at Iruka just as Iruka felt his eyes starting to tear. Iruka sniffled and raised a hand to quickly dry them off.

"And I know it's stupid," Iruka continued, his voice stronger now and the words coming faster; as if he didn't want to have time to reconsider. "I know that it's normal and that I would never put you before Naruto, and... and I don't think I could respect you at all if you didn't place your child before a lover, but... But it still upsets me. It still upsets me to know that I'm second and always will be."

Iruka's hands were busy, rushing to dry his tears before they really fell. His lips were trembling and his throat felt too thick. He couldn't read the expression on Kakashi's face. It could have been sadness, it could have been pity or regret or anger or disappointment or... loathing or... Or it could have just been Iruka's imagination and his own feelings he saw in Kakashi's eyes just because he was upset. Iruka sobbed despite himself when a hand was raised and cradled his cheek. Then he smiled weakly and two tears managed to escape his hands and slip down his cheeks. One ran over Kakashi's hand as well.

"I didn't want to tell you that," Iruka said. "I didn't want you to know that. It's pathetic. I don't really feel that way, I just..."

The hand on Iruka's cheek slipped around to his mouth and stopped the words. Kakashi smiled sadly.

"I know," he said. "You'd rather it wasn't there but it is. You've tried to get rid of it but it stays. Right?"

"Yeah."

"When... When I first realized," Kakashi said and for a moment he hesitated. "...That I loved Sasuke, I was scared that it was the wrong kind of love. I had never loved anyone like that before, in a non-sexual way. I wasn't sure what it was. I suppose..."

The man closed his eyes for a moment and seemed to sigh without making a sound.

"I suppose I'm still scared," he said and opened his eyes again. "I suppose that's why I want him to grow up. So I can stop worrying."

They looked at each other for a moment. The humming boat sound got company when a gathering of laughing and drunk women wandered through the corridor and passed outside their door. Kakashi's hand fell from Iruka's mouth and he held it to his chest. Iruka sniffled and blinked, but his tears had stopped running.

"I love you," he said softly.

He wasn't sure why the feeling was so strong at that moment; but he really, really did.

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	50. But he hadn't kissed him

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 12th 2007, Monday  
second version: November 18th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**50: But he hadn't kissed him**

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When Shikamaru was eleven years and three months old, he decided that it wouldn't be a very good idea to fall in love with his friend Uchiha Sasuke. He had started to feel things in his stomach that hadn't been there before. His eyes had both wanted to linger on his friend and wanted to quickly turn away. He had found himself almost warm and embarrassed when he shouldn't be and annoyed when overhearing girls giggling and trying to decide whether anyone of them had enough courage to ask the most handsome guy in school to be their boyfriend. Shikamaru had realized where things were headed before they had arrived, he was a clever boy; because he had noticed the warning signs of the crush before it really happened, it had never happened at all. Shikamaru had had a long and hard session of thinking where he weighed the pros and cons and possible scenarios and outcomes, and had come to the conclusion that it wasn't a very good idea, falling in love with his friend.

It wasn't that Shikamaru didn't like Sasuke's personality (there was no logical reason for it really, but Sasuke had grown on him over the years) or that he was disturbed by the fact that Sasuke was a guy (though it had been a bit surprising, Shikamaru hadn't found anything interesting in guys before); in the end it had just been the fact that the trouble outweighed the good things, for both of them. Shikamaru had been sure even at that age that there would be no simple way to be the guy's boyfriend, and while he would have been willing (probably not exceedingly willing, but willing enough) to tackle the trouble if that was what Sasuke needed, he figured that Sasuke would gain more from a good friend than he would from a good boyfriend.

So, because it wasn't a very good idea, Shikamaru never fell in love with Sasuke.

-

That Saturday Shikamaru got out of bed around noon, because his mom kept yelling about needing milk and eggs for her baking. 'Does she want a son or a slave?' Shikamaru had muttered to the pillow before tearing himself away from it and the warm bed. The floor in his room had been cold and his favorite pants had been washed while he was sleeping but not yet dried. 'Would she like it if I soaked her clothes while she was sleeping?' Shikamaru had muttered to washing machine when he found out.

He knew the answer to that one; she wouldn't like it at all. She would yell at him until his ears and his brain wanted to flee from his head, then she would spend the day forcing laundry knowledge (and probably the knowledge of various other household items as well, just in case) on him while complaining that the whole exceptional IQ thing had to be fake ('just look at your grades!'). Shikamaru wouldn't bother to tell her that he already knew how to handle the washing machine; that he could probably pick apart every machine in the building (yes, not just their apartment, the building) and put them back together again if he wanted to; and they would most likely work better afterwards. That was such useless knowledge for mothers. The less she knew, the less trouble there would be for Shikamaru. And good grades were overrated.

Around 12:30 Shikamaru left the apartment yawning and scratching his head; he took the elevator down and made a face and a tired, groaning sound when the sun greeted him cheerfully. The closest grocery store was about three minutes from Shikamaru's room, but the one his mother wanted her milk and eggs ('oh, and coriander and yoghurt, and onions!') from took fifteen minutes to reach if Shikamaru hurried, and he wouldn't. It was some stupid mother thing about special brands, better deals, 'best before' dates and exercise for her lazy son. Shikamaru didn't know why he bothered.

Or rather, if he were perfectly honest and open with himself, he knew exactly why he bothered. Only on most days he didn't feel like being perfectly honest and open, and he didn't need to be either. It was quite the opposite really. If Shikamaru were perfectly honest and open about everything he knew and had considered, he would end up horribly depressed because of all the crazy and pointless things that people accepted as normal in the world. For that reason, unless he needed or wanted to, Shikamaru mostly pretend he didn't know. It worked surprisingly well.

Shikamaru had walked five steps onto the lawn that lay between the street and the apartment building next to his own before he stopped. That Saturday sun was too bright. It hurt Shikamaru's eyes, made him frown more than usual and his blinking extra long, made the redness behind his eyelids extra comfortable.

He would have continued across the lawn, would have pulled open the door and climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. He would have pushed the button next to the second door, one time, two times. Then he would have leaned his head on the button and listened to the constant ringing on the other side of the door with a lazy smile on his lips. Some moments later Sasuke would have ripped open the door and cursed and tried to hit him. Or he would have hit him; it all depended on whether or not Shikamaru felt like dodging. Then Sasuke would have been dragged along on the shopping trip and things would have been more bearable; nice even. They would have shared smokes on the way there and on the way back. Sasuke would have complained about Shikamaru making him leave the house too early but he would have come anyway.

Shikamaru would have done those things and those things would have happened, if Sasuke had still lived there. But he didn't. Shikamaru felt stupid and not at all like a genius that would pick apart machines and put them back together again. This was the first time. It had been months! For months Shikamaru had known that Sasuke wasn't here anymore and there hadn't been a trace of almost walking into that building by mistake, and now there was; today he had. Shikamaru sighed, stopped blinking slowly and closed his eyes for real. He turned, returned to the sidewalk and kept going, toward the store, wishing his mother had chosen another day for her baking. Sasuke didn't live here anymore. The fact that it had been fine for so long already only made the mistake worse. It nagged at Shikamaru's brain like a stone would nag against his feet if he got it in his shoes. Sasuke didn't live here anymore. Shikamaru supposed he would be stupid though, or maybe just an asshole, if he didn't miss a good friend.

-

When Shikamaru came back from his shopping trip and had dumped the groceries on his mother (and had received the mandatory sigh and 'couldn't you have walked faster?') he went up on the roof. It wasn't very cold this day and the sun had warmed the concrete when he had been sleeping and shopping so he could lie down on his jacket even though it was almost December. Shikamaru liked to spend time on the roof. He liked watching the sky, just staring at the world above his head, clouds wandering and birds flying and such things. Some people liked fishing, some liked shopping, some like baking and Shikamaru liked doing nothing. Sometimes he did it alone and sometimes with company.

Sasuke had also liked doing nothing; at least he had said so. Shikamaru wasn't so sure he liked it like Shikamaru liked it, suspected that Sasuke confused doing nothing with things like talking crap and smoking and listening to music. Though... Shikamaru supposed that if you wanted to be picky he himself confused doing nothing with watching the sky and napping; so who was he to complain?

Today the clouds were small, white and their borders were detailed and clear. It was a rare sight in the city, such clean, white clouds, and reminded Shikamaru of the view he had seen from Sasuke's window when he had gone to visit Sasuke's new home back in August. A plane had left a trail of whiteness across the sky and the birds were few. Shikamaru hadn't been watching very long at all before he fell asleep. It was too early to be up, being a Saturday with no errands or other planned things.

He dreamed that he was late for a meeting with Sasuke. They had decided to meet on the bridge because Sasuke had something important to say, but Shikamaru was late. They said they would meet at noon and the sun was already setting. Time had moved so fast. First he had only been a couple of minutes late, but then the minutes had multiplied and soon turned to hours. Shikamaru was running. He pushed through crowds of people that were bigger and thicker than they were supposed to be. He hurried and hurried but it was like every step took him further away from his destination. It made no sense but he kept running anyway.

And in the back of his mind Shikamaru knew, as he dreamed, that Sasuke wasn't standing on the bridge that Shikamaru was hurrying to reach. Not because Shikamaru was late, but because when Sasuke had said 'bridge' he hadn't meant the bridge Shikamaru had thought he meant, the bridge they usually met at, Sasuke had meant the bridge in the town that was his home now. Sasuke had moved away. Shikamaru had never had a chance to get there.

He stopped running in his dream and woke up when the door that separated the roof from the stairs down was opened. The crowds of people was replaced with a blue sky with small white clouds and his desperation to reach Sasuke was replaced with annoyance because what the hell was it with the guy and disturbing Shikamaru's life today? He allowed himself a split-second of closed eyes and a sigh before turning his head to see who had been kind enough to wake him up.

It was a guy dressed in white and black with long dark hair that covered most of his back. He had a frown on his face and looked like he was upset about something, but Shikamaru knew that was just how he looked. Neji wouldn't quite be Neji if he didn't look upset. Neji was a year older than Shikamaru and at first they had just known of each other because both their fathers were in the Leaf faction. You didn't automatically become a member of the factions just because your parents were (though, of course, some of the rules still applied to you about secrets and such things), but most kids ended up joining anyway. Shikamaru had been sort of a late bloomer, as his father used to put it (his mother just said he was lazy), waiting longer than most before deciding to join. Neji on the other hand had pretty much been a member since he was old enough to say 'okay,' just like his cousin, a girl the same age as Shikamaru. But the Hyuuga family had always been kind of special. Old-fashioned and devoted and stuff. Neji's father and his twin brother were about as high up the faction chain as you could get really. So Shikamaru had known of Neji and they had sort of talked on occasions, a little. But it wasn't until the whole thing between Sasuke and Neji that Shikamaru really got to know the serious, upset-looking guy.

Sasuke and Neji had always had sparks between them, ever since they first met. Actually the first time Shikamaru had seen the two of them together was when he found them making out on a couch. At first he had thought it was someone else. Well, he had recognized Sasuke, had started to get used to finding his friend making out with guys on couches and in corners and other places; but it had been difficult to accept the other guy as stuck-up, serious and from an old-fashioned family Neji. It had been him of course. You learn something new everyday, and all that.

After the fifth or sixth time of finding them together, Shikamaru had allowed himself to go a little out of character and meddle. He supposed that there was a difference between seeing the same guy trading saliva with and pawing at your good friend at several parties in a row and having the guy change with the parties. It had taken some time to convince the two that it was possible to try and see if 'maybe you could do something more with this?', but in the end they had tried. They had tried and they had failed. Trading-saliva friends had become trading-words-and-normal-friend-stuff friends. New guys for the parties again.

"Your mother wants you to know you bought the wrong coriander," Neji said. He let go of the door and let it drift shut as he started walking toward Shikamaru's spot on the concrete.

"I know," Shikamaru said; gave a small sigh and turned his face back toward the sky. "I do that, hoping she'll stop asking me to do her shopping for her."

"How has it worked so far?"

"Maybe she's a slow learner," Shikamaru muttered and made a tired face.

"Or maybe you are," Neji said; then his shadow fell over Shikamaru and he stopped. Shikamaru opened his eyes.

"Maybe," he sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Why are you here? If you've got something for today I'm not interested."

Neji smiled slightly and somehow managed it without looking any less upset.

"I don't," he said. "I wanted to let you know that we're staying away from Sound territory for a while. There's a deal going on."

Sometimes Shikamaru wondered how many things would be different if Sasuke and Neji had been given some more time to make their thing work. These days Shikamaru didn't feel as bad about his meddling. Sasuke was okay. Sasuke was safe and would be fine. He was in love, quite the miracle really, and the lucky guy was good. Naruto had a good heart and a good, stable and safe life. No, these days Shikamaru didn't feel as bad, but before Sasuke had moved there had been plenty of times when Shikamaru had sorely regretted meddling in Sasuke and Neji's business. If Sasuke and Neji had managed to get their thing to work Shikamaru was fairly sure that Sasuke would have made up his mind and joined the Leaf for real, eventually. He would have stopped hanging out with the Sound and Shikamaru would have gotten rid of a bunch of trouble not having to look after his friend all the time. Sometimes things had even gone so far that Shikamaru regretted not allowing his own crush all those years ago.

It felt better these days though. Shikamaru was growing more and more confident that he had done the right thing, all the right things. Sasuke was alright and he was going to stay alright. Shikamaru missed his friend, yes, but he preferred that Sasuke was safe and alright.

"What kind of a deal?" Shikamaru couldn't help but ask. For a long time Shikamaru had made sure he always knew what went on with the Sound and habits were hard to get rid of,

"Why?" Neji said and Shikamaru heard his eyes narrow. "Do you have a reason to worry?"

For some reason Sasuke had been closer than usual this Saturday. Shikamaru thought about his meeting with Sasuke and Naruto after their meeting with Itachi and his talk with Sasuke on the phone earlier that week. His friend had seemed okay both times, considering, and Kakashi would have called if something was wrong. Naruto would have called too. There was nothing indicating trouble. Just an almost mistake, a dream and another faction deal that the high ups didn't want there to be trouble because. Shikamaru was just being paranoid.

"No," he sighed eventually and shrugged. "Not really."

Neji snorted.

"I heard Sasuke was here with a blond last week," he said and tried to sound casual.

"Yeah," Shikamaru said, grateful for the slight change of topic. "He went to see his brother with his boyfriend."

"You know I don't buy that," Neji said, eyes narrowed again and an edge to his voice. "Uchiha Sasuke doesn't make boyfriends."

"And Hyuuga Neji doesn't get jealous," Shikamaru said, but continued before Neji could respond. "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's idiotic to try and put limits to the world? The only thing that'll happen is that it will do its best to prove you wrong."

Neji opened his mouth to argue, or maybe just say something angry, but in the end he closed it again without having said anything. The scowl on his face that said he was pissed off melted away and he went back to looking just serious and frowning.

"I don't have time for this," he said and his tone made it seem like that was the only reason he turned and walked away.

"See you," Shikamaru mumbled and turned his face back toward the sky. Simple sky and clouds with detailed borders. No wonder he liked watching it.

On the days when Shikamaru pretended he didn't know; he didn't know why he preferred new guys to the same guy over and over. On the rare days that he didn't pretend, he knew of course. It bothered the shit out of him that Sasuke got along with someone well enough and had enough sparks with them to keep coming back. It bothered the shit out of Shikamaru that someone seemed to have succeeded where he himself had given up before he even tried. Of course, Shikamaru was Shikamaru, so there would always be tons of things he gave up on before he had even tried, but for some reason this thing was different. For some reason, Sasuke was different.

It also bothered him that it appeared as if he had been wrong in his prediction that being Sasuke's boyfriend would involve lots of bother. For a long time it seemed as if he had been right. Why else would Sasuke keep changing make-out partners all the time? But with Neji it was... They had never had anything real going on. They'd gotten together at the parties and that had been that, but... But they had kept coming back to each other. They had sparks. Shikamaru had had a cold feeling in his stomach that if the routine kept up, it might have turned into something real. They might have come to the conclusion eventually that they had something.

So why was Naruto okay? Even when he didn't pretend Shikamaru didn't know why Naruto was okay when Neji had not been. He supposed it could have been the fact that it was different. With Neji it would have been a routine thing that evolved and with Naruto it was... a whole new thing. It had to be good.

Shikamaru hadn't really met Naruto when he first told Neji about him. He'd seen the guy, walking home from school with Gaara of the Sand, and he'd heard Sasuke talk about him, but he hadn't met Naruto in person or talked to him. What mattered had been clear to him though; Sasuke was falling in love, or crushing, or whatever it was called. Neji hadn't been quite so sure however.

'He doesn't fall in love,' the serious upset-looking guy had growled, his eyes fiercer than usual. 'He plays around when he's drunk, that's all.'

'Apparently that's not all,' Shikamaru had muttered.

'I don't buy it,' Neji had said and for some reason he had reminded Shikamaru of a stubborn six or three year old saying 'I don't eat green peas.'

'It doesn't matter if you buy it,' Shikamaru had sighed.

'Who is this guy anyway?' Neji had snarled and made an out-of-character gesture with his arms. Shikamaru supposed he could have waited with the Naruto-Sasuke news until Neji was sober, but somehow it had slipped out.

'He's just a guy. Just a blond, happy guy.'

'There's got to be something more to him than that,' Neji had snorted.

'I don't know,' Shikamaru had sighed. He hadn't been quite sober either. 'He looks silly, Sasuke says he's a retard and stalker.'

'A stalker?'

'Yeah, he just won't...'

Shikamaru had suddenly been forced to stop talking as it hit him hard. It shouldn't have, it wasn't news; he had used the argument himself on Sasuke when they talked. Maybe he had been drinking too much and gone stupid. Or maybe he had been stupid before.

'He won't leave him alone.'

There had been something in Neji's eyes telling Shikamaru that he was hit by the same thing. The silence that had fallen between them had been depressing, but not as much as the realization of where they both might have gone wrong and a silly, happy blond guy might have gone right.

'That's so idiotic,' Neji had finally muttered.

Shikamaru hadn't said anything.

-

Two days after Shikamaru's twelfth birthday, Sasuke had given him a late present. Shikamaru's parents had been out of the house, they had been home alone and Sasuke had dug out a plastic bag with bottles from his sleepover-backpack, five bottles of beer and one bottle of vodka from Kakashi's stash. It was time they started drinking, Sasuke had said. It was pathetic to be as old as they were and never been drunk. Shikamaru hadn't bothered mentioning that he actually had been drunk, when he was around six or seven and too curious for his own good. He also didn't bother mentioning that the thought of drinking had been slightly scary since that time.

That hadn't been the reason Sasuke so completely out drank Shikamaru that evening though. Shikamaru had been drinking; it was just that Sasuke had been drinking so much more and so much faster. There had been some grimacing at first, but soon he had been drinking like you drank water when you had been running hard for a long time on a hot day. Music had been playing and Shikamaru had tried to keep some sort of conversation going to force Sasuke to keep some time between the meetings his lips had with the bottle, but it hadn't really worked.

Sasuke had been drinking for a reason, and it had not been because they were twelve and not drinking was pathetic (come on, twelve?). It hadn't been curiosity either and not because he wanted to mess with Kakashi and they weren't allowed. Sasuke hadn't been in too great a mood that day; there had been something bothering him. He hadn't been really angry; just... there had just been something there gnawing at him. Maybe he had heard somewhere that drinking would make it better.

Sasuke hadn't stopped drinking until he fell backwards onto the floor, making a sound that was something between a whine and a groan. Shikamaru's head had been spinning as well at that point, but he had managed to reach out and save the bottle in Sasuke's hand before the guy went down. Sasuke hadn't noticed. He hadn't noticed much of anything it seemed. His dark eyes had been hidden behind his eyelids. His face had been flushed, a rare color on him, and his breathing had been coming in soft pants from the slight opening between his lips. For a moment Shikamaru had forgotten why that crush wasn't a good idea.

Then he had sighed and placed Sasuke's saved bottle on the floor next to his own. He had settled on the floor as well, leaning on an elbow with his face next to Sasuke's and for a moment just watched and listened as his friend breathed, and wondered if he was asleep.

'Is your world spinning too?' Shikamaru had asked when he felt that saying nothing was growing awkward. Sasuke had groaned in reply and reached out with his tongue to lick at his lips. His eyes had still been closed.

But Shikamaru hadn't kissed him.

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	51. You suffer and I do too

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 19th 2007, Monday  
second version: November 18th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**51: You suffer, and I do too**

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Itachi sat in a chair in front of the window. The sun was shining outside but had already wandered away from that side of the building. It was afternoon. The trees outside were bright but Itachi's chair and Itachi were dark.

He didn't hear many things. The humming sounds of the building were blocked out, as were the screaming of the patient that had lost his mind more than usual and the nurse and security attempts to get him under control. The other patients were blocked out as well, most of them. It wasn't that unlike being alone really, if you blocked everything else out. Itachi closed his eyes and let them stay closed for a moment before he opened them again with what could have been a sigh soft.

Kisame was sitting on his bed with his legs crossed, sorting the worn cards of a game for children between age 8 and 12. It wasn't that it really interested the man, he did it to confuse the nurses, or so he said. There were a bunch of different pictures on those cards and apparently Kisame had heard somewhere that how you sorted the cards said a lot about your mental state. You could sort them according to color, or according to shape, or according to the first letter of the words that first came to mind when you first saw the pictures or according to a whole bunch of other things, or so Kisame said.

Sometimes Itachi helped him with the sorting but today he just listened as the cards moved against each other and Kisame's fingers. Today was a good day. It was almost like not being here at all.

Itachi didn't flinch when the bird hit the window and broke the almost silence with a loud and sudden bang. He didn't even blink.

Kisame flinched violently; Itachi saw it in the corner of his eye. All the man's attention immediately turned away from the cards as he jumped off the bed and hurried over to the window with a 'whooa!' and pressed his face against the bars.

"It must have totally died!" he said and looked over his shoulder at Itachi. "Did you see it?"

"No," Itachi said.

He hadn't. Not really. It had just made a blur, hit the window and disappeared. Kisame had turned back to trying to see. Not that he could. They were too far from the ground and the bars were too far away from glass.

"Think it could still be alive?" Kisame mumbled; as if to himself.

"No," Itachi said and looked for a moment at the bright trees outside that weren't hidden behind Kisame's head. "It will have died."

"Huuh..." Kisame hummed.

Itachi's mind was comfortably empty. His body was comfortable as well. He liked that chair. He liked that place in the room.

Soon Kisame tired of trying to spot the body of the bird and went back to his cards and made himself comfortable again with his legs crossed. Itachi found himself thinking that the body of the bird must be down there, still warm but soon cold because it would have fallen in the shadows.

Then he found himself thinking about his younger brother and the time they had found a dead bird in the flower bed under their kitchen window. It had been small and grey and had become one with the dead autumn flowers and the brown fallen leaves. Their mother hadn't had time to make the bed ready for winter yet. Sasuke had been sad but Itachi had told him that death happened sometimes.

"I think it will be some time before he comes to visit me again," Itachi said, as if to himself.

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	52. Easy Slide

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 26th 2007, Monday  
second version: November 21st 2008, Friday

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The name Easy Slide comes from my dental floss. I use it every day. XD

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters or Easy Slide and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**52: Easy slide**

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Around eight on Thursday evening the doorbell rang two times with almost no time between the first time and the second one. Gaara looked up from his schoolbooks with a frown and waited. The bell managed to ring a third and almost fourth time before Kankuro made it from the kitchen to the door to open it.

"Is Gaara home?" Gaara heard Naruto say. His voice was slightly muffled by the walls and the closed door to Gaara's room, but Gaara could still hear what was said.

"Sure," Kankuro said and it sounded like he was frowning and surprised. "What's up? You've been running?"

"Ah, um... yeah."

Gaara heard the door close and Naruto shuffle around as he, probably, took his shoes off.

"We don't have any food for you," Kankuro said and his voice was muffled even more as he moved back into the kitchen. He was in the middle of making dinner.

"Oh! T-that's okay," Naruto said and while he talked he moved toward the door to Gaara's room. "I've already eaten. Smells great though."

"Needs more garlic," Kankuro muttered. Gaara almost didn't hear him at all.

Maybe a second passed before the door to Gaara's room opened and Naruto stepped inside with a 'hey'.

"Hey," Gaara said.

The blond closed the door behind him, wandered over to Gaara's bed and sat down on the floor with his back against it. Naruto had long since stopped sitting on the actual bed, because he said it was gross. Sometimes Gaara teased him and said 'but it's okay to sit on Iruka's bed?' Because they sometimes did sit on Iruka's bed when they were sorting socks and folding clothes when Naruto had to help with the laundry and Gaara was there. Pointing that out always made Naruto throw a fit and start 'eeww'-ing, slapping his hands over his ears and going for something close to a fetal position. He was so thin-skinned, that guy.

It could have been a normal visit that Thursday. Naruto often visited like that; just came over without having said he would come over. Sometimes he wanted help with something, homework or a game, sometimes he was just lonely (the amount of lonely visits had decreased dramatically since he started dating Uchiha Sasuke however). But it was not a normal visit, Gaara quickly noticed. There was tension in Naruto and the air around him. He was fiddling with his clothes, his socks; with his nails, biting his lips. He was smiling, a silly, nervous smile. He looked at Gaara, then out the window, then at the door, then at his fingers.

"W-what are you working on?" he asked eventually, in a faked cheerful voice.

"Math," Gaara said.

"Oh! Is... Is it difficult?"

"No. Why are you here?"

Naruto sort of almost flinched and for some reason his cheeks gained more color. Red color. He laughed nervously.

"N-no reason," he half mumbled, half said and looked at his fiddling hands. "Can't a guy visit his friends?"

Gaara didn't say anything for a while. He turned his attention back to the books, solved some more problems and wrote down the answers.

"How's Sasuke?" Gaara asked eventually.

"Oh, h-he's good!" Naruto answered quickly. Maybe too quickly. "Just great. He kicked ass today as always. You know, P.E. We played soccer and he was so cool. His team won the whole thing. I mean the tournament, we had a tournament. Awww... You should have been there..."

Gaara hoped he had never talked about Lee like that when they first started going out. Then again, he was pretty sure he hadn't. He wasn't the 'ranting about how cool your boyfriend is' type. Maybe Lee had done some ranting...? No, he probably hadn't either. But this wasn't the usual rant, was it? This was more of a nervous rant, though Naruto probably tried to hide it; from himself even. Something was up. Gaara could bet anything that something was up.

"Good for you," he said in a tone that said he was only half-interested in what Naruto was saying. It was faked of course, but Naruto wouldn't notice. It would help take the blond's mind off the fact that Gaara was an intelligent being.

"No," Naruto whined. "It was bad for me because I was on another team. We always end up on different teams, it's unfair."

"Except in bed," Gaara said. He could almost hear Naruto tense and slightly blush, didn't need to look.

"T-that's... That's... Y-yeah! Because he's my boyfriend, right? What do I care about P.E. teams..."

Naruto laughed nervously again and Gaara frowned. That was a bit too much stuttering and nervousness. He glanced in Naruto's direction and found his friend watching his fingers again, fiddling with his nails.

"Is something going on?"

"No," Naruto said, for a moment keeping his eyes focused on his nails, though his fingers had stopped moving. It looked like the blond was looking at something else entirely. Then Naruto seemed to snap out of it and grinned; it was a forced grin, quite unlike Naruto's usual ones.

"Nope! Everything's fine!"

Naruto was such a bad liar. Gaara wanted to groan; but he settled for turning his chair and just watching the blond intently.

"Naruto," he said seriously. "I know you know I'm not an idiot. I also know that you know I already know everything you want to hide from me. You can just tell me now and spare us both the trouble."

Because it was only fair to give the guy a chance to give up and spill, right? The blond looked very much caught and very worried for a moment as they looked at each other. It was sort of a silent little war going on. Naruto trying to keep up the façade that everything was normal and that Gaara was overreacting, and Gaara trying to convince Naruto that his mission was hopeless. The end was unexpected.

"I want a sandwich," Naruto said quickly. As if he had to say something to break the silence and couldn't think of anything better. Gaara looked him in the eyes and there was pleading there. 'Please buy it!' Did Naruto think Gaara was stupid? No, of course not. Naruto was clever enough to know that Gaara wouldn't buy it. So this was important enough that Naruto had to resolve to hoping for miracles; or that sudden and severe damage to Gaara's brain had occurred since they last met. That was at lunch.

Very interesting.

"I thought you told Kankuro you had already eaten," Gaara said and hid his growing curiosity. Unlike the blond, he was good at hiding things.

"Ah... I... I just want a sandwich," Naruto said. His cheeks were still red and he hesitated for a moment before continuing. "C-could... Could you fix one for me?"

Gaara's curiosity grew even more. So, Naruto wanted him out of the room, huh? If Naruto had just wanted a sandwich he would have said 'I'll go get a sandwich' and then he would have gone to get one. That's what he had always done when he wanted sandwiches before. Really... Someone should have a talk with the blond about how to properly deceive your friends. This was embarrassing. Naruto had to really be desperate. Very interesting indeed.

Gaara watched Naruto for a moment and told him with his eyes that he knew exactly what was going on, to make him squirm a little as punishment for being an outrageously bad deceiver. Gaara could almost hear Naruto's heart beating in his chest. Was that sweat glistening underneath the golden fringe? Good. The fact that this seemed like such an important thing made Gaara even more disappointed that Naruto couldn't pull off his plan better.

Eventually Gaara smiled. He tried one the smiles he usually very, very, **very **rarely used. A kind and soft smile. It felt weird on his face.

"Okay," he said and stood.

Naruto looked like Sasuke wearing a wedding dress had just fallen down through the roof and begged Naruto to marry him. In other words, very surprised; but he also looked quite suspicious; like he didn't quite believe that the miracle he had wished for had actually happened. Good boy, Gaara thought.

"I need a break from just sitting here anyway," he lied and stretched his arms above his head. Yawned, for effect. "What would you like on it?"

"Eh? Ah, umm..." Naruto managed to get out once he had stopped blinking. Had his blush gotten worse? "J-just... Cheese will do."

"Anything green?"

"Err... Yeah, sure."

"I'll be right back," Gaara said. Then he left the room and the nervous blond and closed the door behind him.

He stood for a second or so outside the closed door and waited for any sign of movement from inside. There was nothing. Okay, good. He wouldn't have to hit the blond when he got back. Slight smile on his lips, because this was really interesting, Gaara walked to the kitchen.

Kankuro frowned from his place in front of the stove when Gaara arrived, spatula in hand and apron (black with short, thick, red stripes here and there that reminded Gaara of cut-off fingers) protecting his clothes.

"What?"

"Naruto wants a sandwich," Gaara said. He walked over to Kankuro and looked at the content in the frying pan that the apron-wearing brother was stirring.

"So? He's got legs, doesn't he?" Kankuro was still frowning and there was a hint of a wary look in his eyes; not quite fear but almost. Could have been, because things were not quite as they should be at the moment. Old habits die hard and all that. Temari and Kankuro had learned a long time ago to be good at picking up on odd behavior and changes in their brother's moods. Gaara was quite sure that some part of them was still terrified of him; instinctively if nothing else. He didn't blame them.

"Yes, well... " Gaara said and sort of half-sighed. "I think this will be more fun."

"Whatever," Kankuro said, half-snorted and turned back to his cooking. He didn't want know. Gaara left the kitchen again without making a sound.

Naruto was messing around in Gaara's closet; Gaara was listening outside the door. He seemed quite desperate. Gaara could hear his things being carelessly moved this way and that. Really, there couldn't be any planning involved here. Did Naruto expect that Gaara wouldn't notice anything?

The sound of a box being pulled out from the closet and dropped on the floor made all the pieces fall into place. Sure, Gaara had had an idea about what was up but now he was sure. Naruto was after the 'eeww'-box. Gaara was sure that the smile that took over his face was very frightening. It was such a good day to be alive.

When Gaara opened the door Naruto yelped and tossed the empty box (for some reason its content had ended up on the floor) over his shoulder; as if on reflex. It ended up on Gaara's desk and knocked over the jar where Gaara kept his pencils. One of the pencils rolled slowly over the desk until it fell off the edge and hit the floor. The blue eyes staring at Gaara looked very frightened and very, very caught. The face those blue eyes belonged to was very pale. The room was silent for a moment and no one moved.

"I know," Gaara said eventually. Softly and still smiling his scary smile. "They're always out of lube. And when you ask them to order in it takes months and all you get is like two or three tubes. It's pathetic. You'd think they would learn."

Naruto swallowed. He was still pale. He was breathing, wasn't he?

"That's why I keep such a big a stash," Gaara continued; walked into the room and closed the door behind him. "Because you just never know when you need some extra."

"I was just...!" Naruto started but then he seemed to decide that whatever he had wanted to say was better left unsaid.

"I was thinking about you guys last time I was restocking. 'I should remember to put some away for Naruto and Sasuke.' I would have let you have some if you had told me you were in need."

"I didn't have a choice!" Naruto howled and slammed a fist against the floor. Gaara couldn't decide if there was more anger in him or more desperation. The embarrassment seemed to have fled, but his face was still red. He was shaking.

"There's always a choice," Gaara said. Because there always was.

"I just...! We...! The store didn't...!"

Gaara waited as Naruto struggled with the words. The blond looked like he might cry. Like the embarrassment had, his anger was fleeing; or so it seemed.

"I couldn't ask! You'd know..." Naruto said and he sounded like it meant the end of the world. His voice was not loud anymore, his shoulders sagged and he let his chin fall toward his chest. The golden fringe hid his eyes.

Gaara moved forward without a sound and sat down in front of Naruto, the spilled content of the 'eeww'-box between them.

"That's the point, isn't it?" he said.

Naruto didn't say anything. At least not for a moment. For a moment they just sat there, facing each other, Naruto looking at the floor and Gaara looking at Naruto's hair. Eventually the blond cracked, of course.

"It's our thing," Naruto said through clenched teeth, the muscles in his face tense. When the blond looked up the blue eyes were angry again; not embarrassed and not desperate. Well, maybe a bit desperate.

"It's **our** thing," he repeated a bit louder and his eyes were gleaming. "It's none of your business. It's not your thing! I don't want you to know."

Gaara waited a moment before he answered, so it wouldn't seem like he wasn't listening. He was listening.

"Sure you do," he said.

"I don't!" the anger in Naruto's eyes flared up even more and his forehead got wrinkles. "I'm telling you I don't, so I don't!"

"Sasuke doesn't want me to know," Gaara said, quite unfazed.

Naruto opened his mouth, but the anger in his eyes had been replaced by surprise. Then the surprise got company in form of realization, and sadness. He looked away from Gaara's eyes.

"You want me to know, don't you?" Gaara continued. "You're just that kind of person. You share your happiness."

At that Naruto's eyes were drawn back to Gaara's and for a short moment it looked like he might cry again. Then he got determined. But not angry determined, cool determined. Calm determined.

"You're wrong," Naruto said. His voice was calm and cool determined as well. He gave a half-smile that contained no cheerfulness and a half-sigh. "And you're right. I do want to... talk to you. But I want to keep it between Sasuke and me even more because that's what he wants. I don't want to do something that would make him sad."

It was quiet for a moment again. Naruto went back to watching the floor, fiddling with his nails. Gaara could hear Kankuro set the table in the kitchen. It would just be them today, just Gaara and Kankuro. Temari was out and would stay out until tomorrow.

"I suppose you failed," Gaara said after a while.

Naruto's eyes flicked back to him.

"What?"

"I know," Gaara said. "You failed."

The blond made a face and grumbled. He blushed, a little.

"But I suppose you only sort of failed," Gaara continued and Naruto frowned. "You didn't actually **tell** me anything, the only reason I know is because I'm smart and you suck at stealing."

"I don't...!" Naruto began, but then he seemed to think and interrupted himself with a short half-laugh, half-giggle. "Okay, maybe I do... But I was nervous and I was desperate! I didn't have time for any... err... real plan."

"No shit," Gaara said. Then he realized something. "Oh... You're doing it tomorrow?"

Naruto blushed again; a lot this time.

"T-that's...! It doesn't have to...! I mean...!" then he sighed in defeat. "Yeah, well... that's what we said..."

"Fridays are good days for sex," Gaara said thoughtfully, recalling some good Friday times.

"Don't say anything I don't want to know!" Naruto shouted. "And that's everything. I don't want to know! What if I start thinking about that tomorrow? It'd be totally awkward..."

Gaara snorted.

"You'll be fine as long as you don't tell the princess," he said.

"Yeah..." Naruto groaned. "He'd kill me. And could you stop calling him a princess already? I swear, one day you're gonna do it when he's around and he's gonna be so pissed off."

"And somehow he will blame you and won't let you touch him for months."

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and sort of whimpered at the thought of that. Then he seemed to gather himself.

"So stop calling him a princess!"

"I assume you bought condoms," Gaara changed the subject. "They may not have any lube but they do have condoms."

"Err... Yeah," Naruto's blush returned. "I noticed. That's... not a problem. Probably."

"Good," Gaara said. "Now, as for the whole lube-thing. I'm going to be a good friend and let you have some, as I said before. Let's call it a 'bye bye, virginity' gift."

Naruto made a 'can you be more embarrassing?' face. Gaara was quite sure that he could.

"There are some complications however," he said and faked a troubled sigh.

"There are?"

"Yes."

Gaara got off the floor and went over to his desk, opened a drawer and took out a transparent, blue tube. Then he turned to Naruto.

"You tried to steal from me," he said in a serious voice. The blond looked a mix between suspicious and worried. "I probably wouldn't have minded if you had actually pulled it off, but you didn't. It was embarrassing. I wanted to cry several times."

Naruto swallowed and laughed nervously.

"So I'm bad at stealing stuff from my friends," he said. "I can work on it?"

"You need to be punished."

"I do?"

"Yes."

Then Gaara tossed the tube to Naruto and the blond caught it. He frowned for a moment. He turned the tube in his hands and studied it; threw a glance at the tubes on the floor, half of them of the same brand as the one Gaara had thrown him. He studied it some more.

"What?" he said eventually with a silly half-grin. "You filled it with superglue or something?"

Gaara chuckled. Naruto's half-grin melted away and his frown returned. Then his body tensed and his eyes grew wide. He yelped in horror and tossed the tube away in a random direction. It hit the window with a bang but fortunately not hard enough to break the glass. Naruto looked at Gaara like Gaara had suddenly turned from being a very innocent and goodhearted schoolgirl to the most evil person on the planet.

"It's...!"

"Yes," Gaara said.

"You've...!"

"Oh, yes..."

Naruto gave a shout of disgust and horror and got off the floor. He disappeared out of the room and soon after Gaara could hear the bathroom-door being ripped open and water start running wildly. He heard random whines from Naruto. Gaara grinned and went over to the place where the blue tube had fallen. He picked it up and turned it in his hand. The label said EASY SLIDE. The tube was half-full.

-

Forty minutes, one very loud and angry rant from Naruto, one dinner and the making of a sandwich with cheese and green stuff later, Gaara once again sat at his desk with his math homework while Naruto sat on the floor. The blond was eating the sandwich that had been made for him with a knife and a fork. He had said that his hands were contaminated. 'They will never be clean again!'

"Guys like you should come with a warning," Naruto muttered.

"I came with plenty of warnings," Gaara said, glancing at the guy on the floor. "You just ignored them."

Naruto snorted. Gaara thought Naruto was too sensitive. Way too sensitive. It wasn't as if Gaara hadn't wiped the tube off before letting it mix with his school papers and notebooks. How did the blond ever think he would make it through tomorrow without running away screaming?

Even if it had annoyed Gaara somewhat, Naruto's weak nerves had sort of made sense when the guy had been supposedly straight. He had always been supportive of Gaara's relationship with Lee, a bit surprised maybe, but supportive. When it came to the physical parts of the relationship though, Naruto wanted to know as little details as possible. He had been sort of curious at times, about the general thing, but as soon as Gaara tried to give him any details he freaked out.

Gaara had sort of assumed though, that Naruto would grow out of the silliness when he got together with Sasuke. Especially when the two had started getting more intimate themselves, but no. Really... To be hours away from your first gay sex experience and being unable to touch a used tube of lube? It wasn't even funny. Gaara hoped he didn't have to worry about their health; but at least Naruto knew they would need lube.

"Do you want any pointers, by the way?" Gaara asked, small evil smile on his lips. Though more to tease than because he thought Naruto would say 'yes'. "Advice from the not so inexperienced?"

"No," Naruto snorted, as expected. Didn't even look up from his sandwich.

"Because there are things to think about."

"I know that! Che, I'm not stupid."

"You do tend to get overexcited with things you really want to do."

"I- I do not! Not... Not with things like this."

The last was said with a huff and accompanied by a small blush.

"I'm not gonna mess it up," Naruto said, probably more to convince himself than to convince Gaara. "It's gonna be nice."

Before Gaara could say anything, Naruto looked up with determined eyes.

"And I don't need any advice!" the blond crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not gonna let you mess around with this any more than you have."

"If you say so," Gaara said.

"I say so," Naruto said with a sniff.

"You do still want the lube though, right?"

"Why... Why can't I just have an undefiled tube?" Naruto whined, the slight look of nausea returning to his face.

"Because you failed," Gaara said simply. "And because you need to get over your fear of places and things involved with other people's sex lives."

Naruto whimpered.

"But I don't want to!"

"Sure you do," Gaara said. "Because it's that or no lube at all."

"I swear, you're evil..."

Naruto tried five more times to convince Gaara to switch tubes before he finally left the apartment, half-full lube-tube wrapped in three plastic bags. He tried bribes and begging and reasoning and being angry, among other ways. He even made another attempt at thievery when Gaara faked going to the bathroom. There really was no hope for him.

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	53. Random doors with no picture

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 5th 2007, Monday  
second version: November 25th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**53: Random doors with no picture**

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Naruto was running on the sidewalk, or maybe on the road, he wasn't sure. It didn't matter. As long as the running took him closer to his goal, it didn't matter. It also didn't matter that his throat and his lungs felt like they were on fire and that his legs wanted to give up. Naruto kept running. He passed the red house of the Hag without even noticing.

The Hag and Naruto had had a war going on when Naruto was a kid. Naruto wasn't sure how it had started, but he couldn't remember a time when the Hag hadn't called him a good-for-nothing urchin and he hadn't thrown apples at her house. It had just been a war between the two of them though. The Hag had never gone and complained to Iruka about his misbehaved child and of course, Naruto had never complained either. When he grew older, Naruto had started to think that maybe the Hag didn't hate him as much as she liked to pretend. Maybe she was just lonely and preferred the war to nothing at all. He had noticed she almost never had any visitors. Realizing that, Naruto hadn't thrown quite as many apples and not quite as hard.

But this day Naruto didn't notice the Hag's house. He didn't really notice the ready-to-give-up condition of his legs either, nor the hurt in his throat. It didn't matter so he didn't notice. Sasuke was on his mind. The lack of Sasuke was on his mind and the only thing that mattered.

Naruto didn't waste time using the entrance to the playground; jumped instead over the low bushes at the corner. He landed on the sand near the swings, his knees almost failing to keep him up, and shouted Sasuke's name. The kids playing on the slide looked up in surprise but they weren't Sasuke so Naruto barely noticed. 'Sasuke isn't here' was what he noticed, with only a quick glance at the area. For a split-second, the hope that Naruto still refused to let go of almost escaped him.

Then he remembered something and started running again, despite his legs, despite his lungs and despite the surprised children, across the playground. He called 'Sasuke!' again as he almost threw himself into the small house where Sasuke had smelled so good and made such enticing sounds; ages ago. So many hundreds of years ago.

The place was empty. Save for a broken red and sandy plastic bucket. Sasuke wasn't there.

'_I'm not yours.'_

Naruto wanted to cry, but instead he kicked the house with a snarl.

-

Why had Sasuke said that? Why had he been so insistent about saying that? That stupid, annoying 'I'm not yours' thing. Why? Naruto couldn't for his life understand why.

Naruto hadn't really meant it when he said that Sasuke was his. He hadn't meant it like Sasuke was his possession or anything stupid like that. Of course Naruto hadn't meant it like that! It was just something you said! People said it in songs and in movies and in comics when the story got cheesy. 'I'm yours and you're mine.' It didn't literally mean 'I'm yours and you're mine,' it meant 'I love you and I want to be with you forever.'

So why did Sasuke have to be an asshole and say that it wasn't true? Twice even! Couldn't he have just smiled or snorted or rolled his eyes or kissed Naruto or... or anything! Naruto would have been satisfied with anything! Anything that wasn't what Sasuke had given him.

'_I'm not yours.'_

'_I don't want to be with you forever.'_

Naruto had been thinking about those words ever since he woke up. No, even longer, ever since... Ever since they decided to do it; ever since the bus ride back from the mental hospital; ever since they were spoken. They had been haunting him. Not all the time consciously; he had been able to sort of concentrate during class and when he had been with Sasuke he hadn't thought about it at all for long periods of time. It had been there though, subconsciously. Beneath the normal thoughts, the 'what does she mean 'we have already studied this before'? I haven't studied this before! Stupid math...' and 'that spot under his jaw looks so tasty... how long has it been since I kissed it?' Underneath.

Maybe Naruto just didn't want to understand. Maybe his brain was just protecting his heart from misery. Maybe it was just as simple as: _'I don't want to be with you.'_

If that was the truth, the real answer to his question of 'why?', then Naruto could understand why his brain would want to protect his heart. He didn't want to imagine Sasuke not wanting to be with him.

-

Naruto left the playground with his fists clenched and his eyes fixed firmly on asphalt of the road far ahead of him.

Okay, so Sasuke wasn't hiding in the playground. Big deal. There were other hiding places. Naruto hadn't looked inside Sasuke's house yet for example. Sure, the lights hadn't been on and there had been no smashed windows on the first floor, but he could still be in there. There could be smashed windows on the second floor (if Sasuke was good at the ball games and running part of P.E., why not the gymnastics part?) and he could just keep the lights off to make it seem like he wasn't there; Sasuke was a bastard, not stupid. He could be lying on his bed in his room at this very moment, while Naruto was out being angry and worried about him, listening to his stupid, noisy music. With headphones, so no one would hear. Naruto was going to kick his ass.

He tried to avoid the more logical parts of his brain. He didn't very much like talk about the fact that it was much more likely that Sasuke would have taken his key if he had decided to hide out at his place, not climbed to the second floor and smashed a stupid window; and Sasuke didn't have his key, Naruto did, in the pocket of his pants. Sasuke also probably would have taken his own clothes if he were to hide out at his place, and he hadn't. Sasuke's shirt was still on the floor where he had left it, next to the pants with underwear inside that Naruto had dropped. There were so many things that didn't fit, the logical parts of his brain said; so many things that didn't make sense. 'Or maybe they do', the whispering voice that was reason said. 'Maybe they do make perfect sense but you just don't want to see it.'

Naruto tried to ignore the logical parts of his brain because what they whispered about made so much more sense than what Naruto wanted to believe. He had found the laundry basket upside-down in the bathroom and the mess of clothes on the tiles. Naruto usually didn't keep track of the laundry, but yesterday before school he had noticed a pair of his pants in the basket. One of the orange pairs; Naruto liked them. He had noticed those pants and he had thought _'I want to wear those when we go to see Lee fight on Saturday.'_ But those pants were missing now, and so were Sasuke's shoes and his jacket.

The bathroom had been the first room Naruto had checked when he realized Sasuke was missing. He had gone as soon as enough time had passed that even if Sasuke had left Naruto's room only a second before Naruto woke up it would be strange that he hadn't come back yet. It only took so long to go to the bathroom and there was no shower running.

But Naruto had felt from the beginning that Sasuke wasn't in the house. He had wanted to give hoping a chance, _'Maybe he's still around. If I just wait a little longer there will be sounds in the hallway and then the door will creak and he will be there. He will scowl and look cranky because it's before ten on a Saturday and he's awake.' _But one part of Naruto had known that Sasuke wouldn't come.

He supposed it was the same parts of him struggling now. Hoping walked him down the street with his fists clenched, his eyes fixed on the asphalt of the road far ahead of him and his mind grumbling 'there were still places left to look. That bastard of a boyfriend can't hide forever.' Knowing tried to tell him it was no use. Sasuke was gone.

-

Half-way through the lunch cup noodles (he had allowed himself lunch because he ran faster when he wasn't hungry and because cup noodles only took minutes to eat so the time spent eating would be gained back quickly), knowing convinced hoping that Sasuke had left, and that Naruto wouldn't find him running around in the neighborhood peeking into playground houses. He could feel it in his bones that Sasuke was gone.

For seconds Naruto didn't know what to do with himself. The need to follow the bastard boyfriend crawled inside his skin like a million ants trying to get out. He had to follow! Where did he go!? Where had Sasuke gone!? For seconds it felt like Naruto couldn't breathe.

Then something was turned off. Naruto sat still for a moment and stared at nothing at all. When he went back to eating to finish his noodles the pace was considerably slower. The cleaning up afterwards was equally sluggish. Going upstairs to his room, Naruto dropped down on his back on the floor among Sasuke's clothes. Grabbed the shirt and pressed it to his nose. Inhaled and closed his eyes. For a moment it felt like Sasuke was still there.

What did he expect Naruto to do? Run after him? The bastard could be anywhere and the world was huge. What could Naruto do? Knock on random doors and ask if anyone had seen his boyfriend? Show a picture? He didn't even have a picture.

'_I don't want to be with you forever.'_

Sasuke was... He had... No one had forced him to leave, had they? He had left all on his own. Stupid, bastard Sasuke. Naruto didn't want to be a clingy boyfriend with no life that couldn't stand being left alone for few hours or a day. He had seen enough shows on TV to know that that wasn't healthy. Those boyfriends were the ones that ended up dumped and hated and miserable. You had to give the people you loved some space and time sometimes.

Two hours from now Lee's contest would start and Naruto would go and cheer together with Gaara. He would have a great time and Sasuke would come home when he felt like coming home. Naruto trusted him and he was allowed to go places alone. Just because this time was a little... Just because last night had been... Stupid Sasuke. Naruto covered his eyes with the shirt and pretended yesterday had never happened.

-

Twenty minutes later Naruto found the note with the phone number on the bottom of a drawer in his desk. It was the last drawer he had checked, of course; the content of it and the other three drawers were strewn out across the floor. Stupid notes and stupid world. Naruto had meant to keep the note in a really good place so that he definitely wouldn't lose it; so lost it was exactly what he had done.

It was the note Sasuke's friend had given him that day when they met at the mental hospital. Shikamaru. It said so on the note. First there was a number, then it said: 'Shikamaru (Sasuke's friend)'. Shikamaru had said that Naruto should call him if Sasuke was being troublesome and Sasuke was definitely being troublesome now. Shikamaru would know where Sasuke was, right? Maybe he was even at Shikamaru's place! That would make sense, since they were friends; and if Sasuke wasn't there then Shikamaru could at least help Naruto figure out where he was and how to get there.

Naruto jumped across the mess on the floor, skilled after years of practice, and ran toward the phone in the kitchen.

Naruto had remembered that story Sasuke had told him before the stupid sex that went wrong; about how Sasuke had run away from home when he realized how much Kakashi meant to him and how Kakashi had found him freezing in a shelter for bikes. Kakashi couldn't have known where Sasuke had gone either, but had it kept him from looking?

Naruto had remembered that he had said that if he ever lost Sasuke, he would get him back. He had told Sasuke that he would get him back. He couldn't just say something like that and then not go through with it because it got a little difficult. That wasn't his style. That wasn't Uzumaki Naruto. What if Sasuke was...? Yes, it was silly, very silly and probably wrong, but what if Sasuke was waiting for him? What if he wanted to see if Naruto meant what he said, if Naruto could be trusted to keep his word? If Naruto could be trusted to...? Naruto couldn't fail at that! He just couldn't! Uzumaki Naruto meant what he said even if he had to go knocking on random doors without a picture and turn into a clingy boyfriend.

Naruto also knew that if it hadn't been for his idea, if it hadn't been for the sex that went wrong Sasuke would still be here. They would have woken up together and Naruto could have kissed him and Sasuke would have kissed back. Just waking up together would have meant the world to Naruto, so why did he have to come up with that idea?

'_Because I didn't know it could go that wrong. Because I thought I was prepared. Because there was a burning urge inside me that just wouldn't go away unless I did something with it.'_

Iruka had said it was a bad idea, hadn't he? And even if Iruka was overreacting a lot of the times, there were times when he was right! When Iruka had said that it was a bad idea to play soccer in the kitchen, it had been a bad idea; and when he had said that it was dangerous to climb that big and very inviting-looking tree at Sachiko-baachan's, because it was too old and the branches were too weak, they had been too weak! Not at the bottom, but higher up. Iruka didn't know he had been right about that tree. He didn't know that Naruto had climbed it anyway with Ino, but he had been right. Ino had been skeptical for a second or two, probably because she thought Iruka's reasoning made sense, but Naruto had yelled at her to stop being a girl and had started to climb without her. It was stupid. The branch had been strong enough to hold Naruto, who was heavier, so it should have been strong enough to hold Ino as well. Maybe she had put down her feet a bit further out on the branch, where it was thinner, or maybe Naruto had weakened it for when she got there. Either way, climbing that tree had been a bad idea. Ino had fallen. Naruto had been so scared.

Wasn't that time sort of like this time though? Not that Naruto had called Sasuke a girl for hesitating, but he had noticed that he was hesitating, hadn't he? Sasuke might have said that he was okay with it and that he wanted to, but he had been hesitating and Naruto had known. He had fallen asleep before they had even gotten undressed! If that wasn't a sign then nothing was.

But Naruto had ignored Sasuke's hesitation (fear? Worry?) and kept going. He had thought it was a good thing and Sasuke hesitating was just Sasuke being afraid of things that were good. Maybe Sasuke had been proud and stubborn and hadn't wanted to seem scared. Naruto wouldn't have called him a girl if he had said he didn't want to, but... Maybe Naruto had seemed to know what he was doing. He had come up with the idea; he had read the book and had gotten the stuff they needed. Maybe Sasuke had wanted to, even though he was scared; maybe he had wanted Naruto to prove that he was wrong to fear good things.

There was nothing to be afraid of. No weak branches, no high places to fall down from, no almost hitting your head on a shard-shaped rock sticking out of the ground and no momentarily losing your ability to breathe. Or so Naruto had thought. Maybe there had been; not actual, physical shard-shaped rocks, but emotional ones. Maybe Sasuke had fallen from a high place and that was why he left.

'_You made me climb that dangerous tree and I fell down!'_

Ino hadn't said that. Ino hadn't even cried; but she had wanted to. Her eyes had gotten wet and her lips had trembled as she bit them and she had swallowed a lot. 'I'm okay,' she had managed to say once she could breathe again, but she hadn't been. Naruto had seen the way she walked slowly when they went home and the bruise on her back later. She had lied to Sachiko-baachan and said she had fallen off a horse.

-

Why don't I notice?

It feels so good that it hurts. Almost hurts. Hurts. I can't decide. I want to cry because it's so big. So overwhelming. So everything. This moment consumes me completely.

Where is Sasuke?

This moment consumes me completely.

At first it seems fine. He is smiling and I am too. I am happy. Relieved and so happy. It feels like I've won something. Something bigger than any contest ever held. Like I've accomplished something unaccomplishable, something no one has accomplished before. It's perfect. I can die and be happy. I can die now and be at peace.

'You're all sweaty,' I say.

Then I notice he's still hard. He tries to pretend it's nothing, but it isn't. It's everything all of a sudden. It ruins the perfection. The accomplishment. For a moment I'm angry at him for ruining the moment. Then I'm angry at myself. I go from being better than anyone to being the lowest being. From being in the dream to waking up.

I suppose I already know that I have failed. I know that something is wrong. I notice, but... but I don't. No, I notice, but I don't notice the depth of it. I don't see how deep it goes. 'Maybe it can still be fixed,' I think as I talk to him. I can bring back the dream maybe, if I just go back to sleep and try really hard. The moment will change back and he will...

He will be pleased with me. He will love me. He will stay with me. He will be mine. He will stay forever. I'm such an idiot.

I touch him. His muscles tense and he makes sounds. And I can hear the wrongness in those sounds. I fail. I make things worse.

I watch his eyelids hide his eyes and the tears that make their way down from the corners of them. He's trembling; struggling with someone on the inside but it's not me. I've never seen him look so... raw before. It's like he's lost his... skin. So many of the things that he has always been are gone. His pride. His cool. His...

He is so naked. I wonder if this is the real Sasuke. This crying, naked, prideless thing. I wonder if he would ever have shown this part of himself to me unless... If he had been given a choice.

Where did it go wrong?

I am cold inside and for a moment I wonder if it will kill me. It's the most horrible, horrible feeling.

What did I do wrong?

I kiss him and tell him that he's beautiful. I regret the words as soon as they have been spoken but Sasuke doesn't seem to notice. He doesn't seem to notice anything.

The practical things happen automatically, or so it seems; like this is not the first time, like I've had practice and am skilled. I throw away the condom and I clean us up. The blue tube is hidden away.

I bury my face in his skin and hide. I put an arm around him and cover us both with the comforter. I wonder why I don't cry. After many heartbeats in silence I tell him that I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time. I tell him that I love him.

He doesn't say a word.

-

"Naruto?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Err... Um, yeah," Naruto frowned. He hadn't expected to hear his name and for a moment it dragged the focus away from the reason he had called in the first place. Was Shikamaru a psychic? "How... err, did you know?"

Shikamaru sighed.

"Sasuke called me from your house once," he said, sounding bored. "I saved the number."

"Oh," Naruto was still frowning; thought for a moment. Then he remembered. "Oh! It was you that time?"

"It was me."

"Okay..." Naruto mumbled as he remembered that day and Sasuke in his arms. Then he laughed softly, but not because it was funny.

"So what's up?" Shikamaru asked and shifted the phone against his ear, or so it sounded like.

A snake of nervousness ran through Naruto's body and he found himself hesitating; gnawed at his lower lip for a moment. He had been so eager to get to the phone, to talk to Shikamaru and find out where Sasuke had gone but now it was... now...

"Sasuke is..." he started and closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "He's missing. Or, I just... don't know where he is. He didn't leave a note or say anything, so... I don't know. I've looked around here but I couldn't find him. Maybe he's just out... out somewhere or something, but... I just..."

It felt like a confession of a sort. Like telling Iruka that something had been broken in the kitchen.

'_You know those plates you always told me to be careful with because they were once your grandmother's? One of them is... is broken now.'_

"Do... Do you know where he might have gone?" Naruto continued. "Is he at your place? I thought he might... Since you're friends and you... He took my clothes. He had his own in... in my room, but he took mine from the laundry. I haven't... seen him since last night."

'_Naruto, I told you to be __**careful**__ with those plates! Will you ever listen to what I'm telling you!?'_

Naruto wondered how the hell he could have waited so long. Sasuke had been missing since last night! He should have known something was wrong. He **had** known, hadn't he? He had just chosen to... He had known what had happened and he had known that things had gone wrong. Things weren't right!

"Tell me what happened," Shikamaru said and the tone of his voice reminded Naruto that this was Sasuke's friend, not his.

"I don't know!" Naruto wanted to cry; he felt the tears burning behind his eyes but this was not the time for that. This was not the time. "I didn't hurt him. At least I... didn't mean to hurt him. I just... I don't know what happened."

There was a moment of silence and then came a sigh. A soft sigh; almost not there at all.

"I know," Shikamaru said and his voice had changed. The threat was gone. He sounded tired again, tired and worried and sad. "I know. It's not you."

"But I...!"

"Look, he's scared, alright? He's scared. I don't know what happened but I know him. He does shit like this when he's scared. You just loved him, right?"

Naruto swallowed. He didn't want to speak because he didn't think he could do it without the tears finally escaping from his eyes. But he nodded. Somehow Shikamaru knew.

"It's not your fault."

At that Naruto sniffled.

"I just..."

"It happens, when you're with him. He's..." Shikamaru sighed softly again. "It's not your fault."

Naruto sniffled again and one of the tears fell. Maybe it was time for that.

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	54. Not my fault

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 23rd 2007, Friday  
second version: November 28th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**54: Not my fault**

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The first part of the plan had been easy. 'Get on the bus that arrives at the station at 14:06.' Oh, no, wait... That had been the second part of the plan. The first part of the plan had been 'Leave a note for Kakashi and your dad that says you and Sasuke have gone to have a sleepover at Shikamaru's place. Tell them not to worry.' But that one had been easy too, as soon as Shikamaru had convinced Naruto that it wasn't a lie. They would have a sleepover at his place as soon as this was all over.

Those words had almost made Naruto cry again. He hadn't but almost. His eyes had hurt and he had blinked a lot. It wasn't crying because it was sad but crying because it was... a relief. Just to hear that this would be over eventually, and that things would be able to happen afterwards. No matter how life consuming and important and huge this thing seemed, it had an end and the world could move on after that end. There was a light after the darkness, dawn after the night, and all that stuff.

When Shikamaru had hung up, Naruto had gone to pack a bag. He had taken out and packed a change of clothes from the bag Sasuke had brought with him; he had packed their toothbrushes and second set clothes for himself, like you would at a sleepover. He had let the key to Sasuke's house stay in his pocket and had dropped in his wallet and the key to his house to keep it company.

When the bag was packed Naruto had gone back to the kitchen and called Lee's house. No one had answered but he had left a message on the machine saying he was sorry that he and Sasuke hadn't shown up for the contest. They would definitely be there for the next one. Then Naruto had been torn for a moment, hesitating and thinking about whether or not to call Gaara and let his friends know that he was leaving and where he was going. He couldn't leave a message like that on Lee's answering machine because if Gai heard he might call Iruka and Naruto definitely didn't want that.

In the end he hadn't called. This wasn't their thing. If he told them what was wrong then he had to also tell them why it was wrong and that was not their business. At least not today. One day, hopefully, but not now. He hoped Gaara and Lee wouldn't be too worried if they came over and no one was home, or if they called and no one answered.

'_To Iruka and Kakashi-san. We're not here because we're having a sleepover at Shikamaru's house. Because he invited us. Don't worry! We'll be back soon. Naruto.'_

Naruto hoped that Kakashi knew who Shikamaru was. The guy had said he would and Shikamaru didn't seem like a liar, but... Iruka would be so mad if Kakashi didn't know. Well, Iruka would probably be really mad either way, with them going off to the city without permission. He had specifically said that no one was supposed to be missing when they came back. And that they should eat the food. And not have sex. Iruka probably wouldn't let them stay home alone again until they were forty or something.

When he had left the note on the table and taken some money from the emergency stash, Naruto had put on his shoes and his jacket, stepped out and locked the door. Then he had left the porch and the house for the road and had walked away.

There was something in Naruto's stomach that seemed to think that this would never be over. Sasuke would never come back and he would never be okay. They would never be okay. The fact that things had seemed okay before the visit to the mental hospital was because... well... Whatever the reason, it had been a lie because things weren't okay. At least that was what that part of Naruto's stomach seemed to think. Sasuke would never be okay. He may have said that he was better now, that first time he had let Naruto hold him after he had passed out in the hall and Naruto had thought he would die. But he wasn't okay. He would never be okay.

Naruto didn't like that depressed part of his stomach.

The other parts of Naruto tried not to think about things so much. They tried to be optimistic and look forward and hold on to his belief that if you worked hard enough you could manage anything. Maybe Sasuke just needed more time. Some more time to figure things out and... and stuff. He was still young. He had said that it had happened when he was five and a half, which meant he had only had ten years or so to heal and feel better. When you thought about it, that wasn't a very long time, considering what had happened. Sasuke just needed some more time.

Besides, Shikamaru had said it would be fine. Or, well... He had said that this happened when you were with Sasuke, that it wasn't Naruto's fault. If this happened then it couldn't be the end of the world, could it? If it happened then it had happened before and things must have gone back to normal afterwards because... Because things had been normal a week ago, right? That depressed part of his stomach was just being depressed with its 'things have never been okay and never will be'.

Naruto tried to be optimistic and ignore the depressed part of himself. He didn't need it now. He had made up his mind. Naruto was going to find Sasuke and then they were going to go home together. No depressing thoughts were needed to accomplish that, so he ignored them.

The bus had arrived at the station at 14:10; if the clock on the wall hadn't been wrong.

The first and the second part of the plan had been easy. Now Naruto was waiting to see if the third part would be the same or require more effort. 'Get off at the city central station. Follow the green signs.' It sounded simple enough but you never knew. Maybe they had switched the green signs for yellow signs overnight and Shikamaru didn't know. (At least that was what the depressed part of Naruto's stomach thought.)

Naruto watched as the world outside the bus passed by. The town, houses, stores, people walking, cars and streetlights that were turned off because it was day; signs for the cars and bikes and people walking that said stop, walk here, don't park cars here, this way to the city hall. The city hall was small and barely even there at all; Naruto knew because he had been there several times with school.

This was not how Naruto had thought his first real relationship would turn out. This wasn't very normal, was it? Following your boyfriend when he runs away because you had sex. It was one of those things that only happened in overdramatic movies, where the guys and girls were extra beautiful and extra special and extra rich; or something like that. Stuff happened to those guys and girls that didn't happen to normal teenagers.

Naruto was thinking that this was like one of those things. He felt like he had gotten stuck in a movie for special teenagers, only he wasn't a special teenager, he was just Naruto. Maybe Sasuke was special. Of course, Sasuke was **special**, but... Maybe he was special in that movie way. He was extra beautiful. He did have a fan club and that wasn't entirely normal. His family wasn't rich, but he did have a... Naruto squeezed his eyes shut before his train of thought had reached the station.

'_He did have a tragic past and brother locked up in a mental institution.'_

You couldn't use that as a reason to call him special. That was awful. And this wasn't a movie anyway, this was life.

-

I never knew my mother or my father. I thought about them a lot though, when I was a kid, and wondered what they were like. Were they beautiful or ugly? Rich or poor? Famous or unknown? Did they love me at some point? Maybe my father didn't know I existed; it was possible since he was the father. My mother must have known that much at least.

Sometimes I wondered if what the other kids said were true; that I was a monster and I didn't have any mother or father because I had been spawned from the evil of the earth. I never seriously thought it were true because, come on. But I wondered a little. Thought about things like 'no smoke without fire,' because I was a kid and kids think about stupid things sometimes.

Is it more painful to lose a family or to have never known a family at all?

But I have known family. I know family now. Iruka became my family. And then came friends; Lee and Gai; and all those half-friend/acquaintances at school and life that you know and talk to but still can't count as real friends, like classmates and teachers and Yumi and the Hag. Then came Gaara, and Temari and Kankuro came with him. And now there is Sasuke and Kakashi-san. I know family.

It was such a wondrous thing when I came to live with Iruka. Well, as soon as the trouble with his girlfriend was over. She never liked me. No matter how hard she tried to hide it and pretend, the look in her eyes always reminded me of the kids at the orphanage that screamed 'monster!'

I was scared at first when she left; scared that Iruka would hate me because I made his girlfriend leave and send me back. But he didn't. He said it wasn't my fault.

'_What grown-ups fail to do will never be your fault, Naruto.'_

I remember I got angry and screamed at him. I told him that he was a stupid idiot that didn't get it. I threw as many of his things as I could get my hands on to the floor. Plates and glasses and vases and photographs broke around me. Chairs were felled. I clawed long marks on his wallpaper. At the end I managed to push the small aquarium down from its table.

Maybe it was the water that cooled me down, maybe the fishes jumping around on the floor. I don't remember how long I stood there watching them, but when I snapped out of it and in panic yelled 'the fishes!' Iruka was already there. He put the bowl we used for salad, already filled with water, on the floor and quickly but gently began picking the fishes from the floor. I began picking as well.

Afterwards, for a long time, we just sat on the floor and watched the fishes swim around in the bowl. I had picked up some of the sand and plants and rocks from the floor as well and made some hasty decorations in the salad bowl. Iruka hadn't objected even though the sand and rocks must have made scrapes in the glass.

'I'm sorry,' I had mumbled eventually, when the silence became too much. Iruka had wrapped strong arms around me and pulled me to him.

'It's not your fault, Naruto,' he had said again and for the first time in a very long time, I cried.

After that things were wondrous. I had someone that smiled at me, talked to me about silly things that didn't really matter but mattered anyway and yelled at me when I took my games too far (that happened often).

It wasn't just about my survival; the ladies looking after us at the orphanage hadn't had time for anything besides making sure we ate our food and got dressed and went to bed and brushed our teeth. They hadn't been bad, had meant well, but the place had been so big and the kids so many and the grown-ups so few.

I was not a monster anymore. Not all of the kids had been directly cruel, but none of them had wanted to be around me; none of them had really wanted to see me. I had promised myself when I was a child, before Iruka, that one day they would. One day they would see me; I would make them.

When I came to live with Iruka it was like I had suddenly arrived at that place. He saw me. Me. Not just because of what I did, the troubles or good times I caused, but simply because I was me, because I breathed and was there. He saw me no matter what I did or didn't do. It was more precious to me than anything had ever been.

-

The town, houses, stores and cars became fields and forests, fewer cars, farms and country side houses. Country side houses stand further apart than the houses in a town, but other than that they are pretty much the same. It was the same with the cars. They were there but they were further apart, and they went faster. There were much fewer people to be seen, although you did get more animals; cows and horses and sheep.

The bus stopped here and there, by stops along the road and in smaller, medium-sized and larger towns that it passed on the way to the city. Now and then it stopped and stayed for a while at stations, but not very often.

There had been almost no one on the bus when Naruto got on, but the closer the city came the more people wandered in to crowd it. The seat next to Naruto was empty for a long time, but eventually a guy in a suit with a laptop sat down. He paid no attention to anything except the stuff on the screen; his fingers rushing over the letters. It made Naruto wonder what Sasuke's fingers were up to.

Naruto both wanted to sleep and didn't want to sleep. He wanted to because then the trip would be over in a flash and Sasuke so much closer. He didn't want to because it didn't feel right. It didn't feel right sleeping when the world wasn't alright, when Sasuke wasn't where he should be.

Naruto didn't know what part four of the plan was; Shikamaru hadn't said much. He had said that he had some ideas about where Sasuke could have gone but that he needed to check around before he knew for sure. He was in the city though, certainly, and Shikamaru had said that it might be a good idea if Naruto came too.

As if Naruto would have stayed home if Shikamaru told him to. He couldn't bring Sasuke back home if he didn't first go to where Sasuke was, and he definitely was going to bring him home. He had never said that he would sit in the kitchen or in front of the TV or something and wait for Sasuke to come home on his own.

But Shikamaru hadn't mentioned what was going to happen once Naruto arrived at the station and had finished following the green signs. Somehow the guy had managed to make it feel like it would be fine without really mentioning any how or when. Maybe it was the fact that Shikamaru had known Sasuke longer than Naruto had. He didn't know how long the two had been friends, but it felt like it had been long enough for Shikamaru to know what he was talking about when he said that it happened and it wasn't Naruto's fault.

Shikamaru would probably get along very well with Iruka. Maybe they could invite him to stay over some time once this was all over? They could have a sleepover at Naruto's place to make up for the sleepover at Shikamaru's place. Naruto was sure that Iruka would like that. He would be angry at Naruto and Sasuke for going off without permission but he wouldn't be angry at Shikamaru for inviting them.

This would be over eventually and things would be able to happen afterwards.

The bus was so full when they arrived at the city central station that they probably would have had trouble pushing just one more passenger aboard. Naruto was happy that he had a window seat and could wait until the worst rush of up and out and away was over. He actually waited until he was the only one there, the last one to get off; hesitating, like his feet got stuck on each of the steps down to the asphalt.

He recognized the smell. There was such a special smell here. Naruto had been to the city before, with Iruka, and he had noticed the smell immediately. The city smelled in a very particular way. He didn't know what it was. It wasn't exactly the people, or the cars or the waves of scents coming from the restaurants and coffee shops being scattered all over the place. It was not the asphalt. Maybe it was all those things mixed together and spread out to cover everything.

He had noticed that smell when he'd been here with Iruka and knew that the city had a special smell; but it wasn't until he came here with Sasuke that he realized that... Sasuke had grown up in that smell. That smell was home for him, just like the smell of newly cut grass in summer and snow piled up beside the sidewalk in winter was home to Naruto. It had hit him hard that time. He and Sasuke had grown up in different smells. Different homes. It hit him hard today as well. Sasuke must have felt like he came home when he got here. Had he walked this path when he came here?

Naruto felt lost as he followed the green signs. It had taken some looking around before he found the first one, but once he had, it was no trouble finding the second or third. It wasn't because he didn't know where he was going that he felt lost. It sort of felt like he wasn't connected to himself. He was walking, following the signs, but at the same time he was somewhere else, watching himself. It was a strange feeling. He wasn't really there it felt like. This whole situation felt unreal. Sort of like a dream.

This place was so crowded and so bustling. There were people everywhere. Sitting, walking, talking in cell phones, running, begging, sitting on the floor singing, carrying bags, giving flyers to people passing by. For some reason Naruto hadn't noticed that it was so bustling when he had been there with Sasuke. It was like... sort of like a ball of yarn that had been messed up, except it seemed to be still working.

Naruto wondered how many times Sasuke had walked through these corridors. Maybe he had passed some of the same people Naruto passed now; it had only been a few months since he moved. The thought was scary. It was like Naruto had to breathe the air and see if Sasuke's smell was still there. Maybe Naruto would pass a corner, any corner, in his following the signs and Sasuke would be there. Just stand there looking cool and unbothered by the bustling around him. That would be such a Sasuke-thing to do. Standing in the middle of a crowd like this and not see it, not let it get to him.

How come he had let Naruto get to him?

Shikamaru seemed to appear out of nowhere. Suddenly he was just there, his hands were stuffed in his pockets and looking bored. He reminded Naruto so much of that almost hope of finding Sasuke in the crowd that his heart jumped. They must have been good friends; were hopefully still good friends.

"Yo," Shikamaru said when Naruto came closer.

"Hey," Naruto said and stopped in front of him. "I found the signs."

"Evidently."

Naruto gave half a smile and scratched his head. They stood there for a moment. The world rushed around them but they stood still as if they had found the one calm spot in the whole city central station. It was a rest of a sort and for a while it felt nice. One moment later Naruto started itching.

"So where is he?"

Shikamaru's frown deepened slightly, slightly and he looked in the direction that Naruto had come from; as if that was where Sasuke was. Naruto had to look. But there was no one.

"I don't know," Shikamaru sighed.

Naruto's eyes snapped back to the bored looking guy.

"What do you mean you don't know? You don't know?"

"No," Shikamaru said. "I've got to check some things first."

"You... You didn't do that while I was on the bus?" Naruto asked; starting to get a bad feeling about the whole thing. Shikamaru suddenly started walking and Naruto followed. The guy said something as he turned, but Naruto must have misheard it. He laughed a little, nervously.

"You didn't say you were sleeping, did you?"

Shikamaru kept walking.

"You... You were sleeping. You were sleeping!? Your friend is scared and missing and you're sleeping!?"

Naruto threw out his arms and almost hit an old lady in the head. He had to put his rant on hold for a second or two while he apologized and the old lady looked at him like he was crazy. His seconds spent being polite meant Shikamaru had time to get too far ahead and Naruto had to hurry to catch up with him.

"I think better when I've slept," Shikamaru said once they were close to each other again, before the rant could be continued. "And when I don't have a headache, so stop shouting, will you?"

Naruto sighed loudly but Shikamaru didn't seem to listen.

"You're supposed to be his friend!" he almost shouted. Almost shouting didn't count, right? But Shikamaru didn't seem to listen.

"Hey!"

The bored looking guy just kept going. Naruto sighed loudly again and kept following.

"So where are we going now?" he muttered when they got outside, where it was less crowded and they could walk side by side. "More sleeping?"

The sun was shining. It didn't seem to care that Sasuke was missing and his friend seemed more interested in sleeping than finding him. Stupid sun. Stupid Shikamaru and stupid, stupid Sasuke.

"We're going to see a friend of mine," Shikamaru said. "Hyuuga."

"What? His bed is extra-comfortable?"

Shikamaru made a sound that could have been a snicker, but it was over so quickly that Naruto couldn't tell. Yes. Sasuke had to get along great with this guy.

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	55. I'm sure I would have known

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 31st 2007, Thursday  
second version: December 2nd 2008, Tuesday

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When I write stuff happening in Shikamaru's apartment, I keep seeing my grandmother's old apartment with her kitchen and her bedroom and bathroom; though that apartment is too small for a whole family.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**55: ****I'm sure I would have known**

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Naruto wouldn't be able to touch the top of this gate even if he wore the highest high-heels he could find and stretched like his life depended on it. The gate was also way too fancy, the garden that lay on inside of the gate was about fifty times bigger than gardens should be and had plant and pond perfection that Naruto hadn't thought existed outside castle grounds. Though... The house might be big enough to count as a castle. No. More like definitely.

Was his life actually turning into an overdramatic teenage movie? This setting reminded awfully much of the ones with the extra rich guys and girls. Naruto wasn't sure if he should start getting worried or just stick with the gaping in disbelief.

"We're going in here?"

"Unless you want to go back and wait at the bus stop," Shikamaru said while he punched in a code on a panel next to the too fancy gate.

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and puffed out a deep breath. On the bright side, if someone saw him go in there with a stranger when he was supposed to be home looking after the house and decided to tell Iruka, Iruka wouldn't believe it. 'Yeah, right,' he would say and laugh. 'In Naruto's dreams.' It was always nice to not get grounded.

They had left the city central station and walked for about fifteen minutes; until Shikamaru had stopped at a bus sign outside a park and announced they were taking the bus from there. The bus had arrived within a minute or so. Naruto had frowned and wondered if they just got lucky or if Shikamaru was a planning freak. Maybe he and Iruka would get along very well.

Shikamaru had let Naruto have the window seat, but unlike normal days he didn't feel at all like watching the city and smiling at all the silly things he found or marveling at the amazing ones. And unlike the last time he'd been in the city, knowing that this was where Sasuke had grown up did not make him more motivated to notice everything. Rather the opposite. He wanted back to the boring and empty, compared to this, streets of home. He just wanted to find what he came to find and bring it back with him.

There came a click from the gate, and then with a soft rattle it started to open.

"I'm coming," Naruto muttered. Too big garden or not, moving was better than sitting around waiting any day.

Shikamaru walked through the gate and Naruto followed. The road led through the garden where nothing grew wild. Even the gravel they walked on seemed to be perfect. Not a weed in sight. Sachiko-baachan would have hated it; she had a thing about letting nature be nature.

"Don't these guys have more security?" Naruto muttered eventually, when they had walked halfway to the house and no one had come to meet them. Just one code at the gate felt a little weak for such obviously rich guys.

"That you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there," Shikamaru said.

"What? There are cameras everywhere or something?"

Shikamaru gave something that seemed to be a mix between a snicker and a sigh.

"You're the one who said it," he said and Naruto had to make a face.

The road of perfect gravel led them to the house, where it spread out and became what could be likened to the parking lot outside the biggest supermarket at home, only with less asphalt.

It was silly really. How could anyone need a house this big? It wasn't possible for mom and dad Hyuuga to have that many kids, was it? Did they just like showing off to the neighbors? That was probably it. The neighbors had pretty big houses too, Naruto had noticed on the walk from the bus stop to the too fancy gate, but nothing like this.

"Wait here," Shikamaru said. "I'm going to talk to the guards."

"Right," Naruto huffed. "Whatever."

He looked around at the perfect bushes and the fountains with fancily cascading water. How many hours a day did the gardeners work on this place? How many gardeners were there? And how long could you be out here before you had to run for the bathroom?

"Don't go anywhere," Shikamaru said.

Naruto sighed.

"That's the pretty way of saying 'don't get lost', right? Now, I suppose it's a big... backyard and all... but come on! Besides, it's not like you couldn't find me again with all those cameras."

Shikamaru looked at Naruto for a moment. Did the guy have any facial expression besides that bored 'I will fall asleep any second now' look?

"No," he said eventually. Slowly. "That's the pretty way of saying 'don't get shot'."

Naruto stared.

"You're lying!" he exclaimed some seconds later.

"No," Shikamaru said; some seriousness finally crawling in to color his look of utter boredom. "Really. Stay where you are."

Naruto opened his mouth to argue. Come on! Of course he wouldn't get shot. Sure the house was fancy but... but **shot**? For walking around in a garden? Who would shoot him? Were there ninjas or something hiding in the perfect bushes? Very stupid ninjas that couldn't see the difference between a burglar and a kid coming for a visit? That was... That was so the wrong movie!

But in the end Naruto just sighed and flopped down on the gravel; his legs crossed. Dropped his bag with the sleepover stuff next to him.

"Fine!" he almost shouted. Hunched over, rested elbow against knee and his cheek against fist and looked away. Then he growled 'damn rich guys...' He saw in the corner of his eye as Shikamaru's feet turned against the ground and moved away toward the house. Was this messing around really bringing him any closer to Sasuke?

When a door had opened and closed in the direction of the house (it even sounded like a rich house door; no welcoming creak that doors should have) the world around Naruto was silent, except for the water in the fountains. Were those bush ninjas allowed to leave their shifts to go to the bathroom or did they have to bring buckets with them? It quickly grew colder, sitting on the ground, but Naruto could be stubborn when he wanted to be.

Had Sasuke been here before? Had he heard these sounds and walked on this perfect gravel? Naruto dug half-heartedly among the small rocks with the hand that was free, but couldn't find any dirt under it.

What would he say when he found Sasuke again? What should he say? What did he want to say? Was it possible to scream at, cry because of, kiss, punch, dump, say 'never leave me again' to, hug and kick a guy at the same time? At the same time Naruto wanted to say nothing. Just take Sasuke's hand and walk him home.

He wondered what the relationship experts that got to be on TV shows would say about them and this mess they were in. Poking a finger through the gravel, he wondered whose fault it was. Was it anyone's fault? He could see reasons for blaming everyone involved really.

He could blame Kakashi and Iruka for leaving them alone. Kakashi knew Sasuke and should have been able to figure out that something like this would happen. Iruka had told them not to do it and that it was a bad idea, but he must have known they would do it anyway. He could blame Sasuke for leaving; or for going along with something he didn't really want to do. He could blame himself for doing it when he knew that Sasuke wasn't sure, for falling asleep, for not knowing that Sasuke was leaving. He could see the reasons for blaming everyone like that, but... he couldn't blame any one person. It seemed like just a sad set of events that was everyone's and no one's fault. Unless you went back to the source. Unless you went back many years, to the point where it went wrong for Sasuke. Unless you went back to...

Naruto was pushed from his thoughts when the door opened again. He looked up and saw Shikamaru leave the castle-like house and walk towards him.

"Have they decided not to kill me?"

Sasuke's friend made a face of what might have been amusement, if he had been a little more expressive; or not half-asleep. The small rocks grinded against each other under his feet as he walked. Naruto caught a glimpse of a dark haired, serious-looking man in a suit before the large door closed again (no creak).

"Come on," Shikamaru said and pulled Naruto's attention back to him again.

"To where?"

"The training grounds. That's where my friend is."

Naruto looked around and frowned.

"Training grounds? I don't see any..." Then he rolled his eyes, groaned and got on his feet. Grabbed his back pack and slung it over his shoulder. "Right. That's the point, isn't it? I'm not supposed to see it. Like with the cameras. It's a secret training ground, hidden in the secret garden. Built for the secret ninja sharpshooters. Only your friend is allowed to use it too because... Hey, he lives here! Am I right? We're just gonna go for a stroll in the garden and then you'll shove me through a bush when I'm not paying attention, so I won't know which bush when the enemy questions me later. Hey, your friend does live here, right? Or is he one of the ninjas?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah... Hey, does that mean he is or isn't a ninja?"

-

'_I eat when I'm nervous and you don't eat when you're nervous. It's funny. And kind of sweet, don't you think?'_

'_Yeah.'_

I wonder if you are silent and still, wherever you are. If I move and talk, you should be silent and still. Shouldn't you? We are supposed to be that different.

Are you sorry? Am I?

No. It's not my fault. I'm not sorry. I'm sort of not sorry. At least I shouldn't be.

If I am sorry when I shouldn't be, are you not sorry when you should be? Should you be? Should I stop being sorry, so that you can start?

I'm sure I would have known what to feel if you stood in front of me.

-

They had to walk through a grove big and lush enough to hide what was on the other side (even in November) before Naruto could see the training grounds, so he supposed he had been sort of right when he said it was secret and hidden away. Though it did make sense in a way, if you looked at the condition of the one-story building and the ground outside. The equipment was old and worn; not broken, but it had definitely seen many years of use (in some cases abuse). The building didn't look much better. It didn't match the rest of the perfect castle fantasy at all. Naruto got the feeling of having walked into the wrong movie again. This was a place for serious fight training; Lee would have been hysterically excited if he had been there to see it. Naruto had to wonder how big this place really was. It seemed more like a park than a garden.

He could hear the occasional aggressive cry from within the building, though they didn't seem to come from just one person. Some cries was darker, had to be a guy, and some were higher, most likely a girl. As they got closer, feet could be heard beating against floor as the ones inside moved and breathing could be heard as well; sometimes, when the sound of feet took a break. The walls couldn't be very thick.

When they arrived Shikamaru pressed a button on the wall next to the door and a loud, shrill sound rang inside the building.

"It's not safe to just walk in," he answered before Naruto could ask the question. Naruto rolled his eyes and grumbled 'of course not'.

For a moment they waited. The feet had stopped moving and only the breathing could be heard.

"Yeah?" a raised voice said eventually. The darker one. It sounded angry.

"It's me," Shikamaru said.

Muttering followed that Naruto couldn't make out. A moment or two passed again and then the door opened with a soft creak. In the doorway stood a dark-haired girl with eyes that seemed too bright. Was that even a color? Was she sick maybe? Naruto remembered having heard about some disease that messed up your eyes. Or maybe she was blind?

But she looked right at Naruto and definitely didn't seem as if she didn't see him. She looked surprised to see him, almost scared for a moment but gathered herself quickly. Her skin was shining with sweat where it showed, arms and hands and neck and face, and she had roses on her cheeks that reminded Naruto of Ino in the summer on sunny days when she came back from the stables. The girl watched Naruto with that surprised, 'not scared anymore' look for a moment, before her eyes moved to Shikamaru.

"Who is this?" she asked. Her voice was soft enough that Naruto almost had trouble hearing what she said.

"A friend," Shikamaru said. "He's with Sasuke."

"Oh," she said and looked back to Naruto, seemed to relax a little and it was only when she did that Naruto noticed she had been tense before. A soft smile that matched her voice perfectly wandered to her lips.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she said and bowed her head.

"Err... Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto said and stretched out his hand. This was the friend? Shikamaru had girl friends? Naruto wasn't sure why it felt weird, but it did. "Um, pleased to meet you."

The girl looked at the hand for a moment, as if she wasn't sure what to do with it. Then her smile, that had faded when Naruto's hand was held out, returned and she lifted her hand too. She had the kind of handshake you would expect from one with that kind of voice and smile and was probably way too nice to run away from her boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying something. For a second or two Naruto was disappointed that he had been stuck with such an unfriendly wife-to-be. Why did he have to fall in love with such a troublesome guy?

"I'm sorry," Hinata said. "I'm sweaty."

"Oh, that's... okay, I've got a friend who's... err... sweaty pretty often too."

Her smile grew a little bigger. Her hand slipped from Naruto's and she looked at Shikamaru again.

"He is nice," she said and Naruto was confused for a moment before the pieces found their place.

"He is," Shikamaru said.

"I'll leave you alone," the girl turned to Naruto again. "Pleased to meet you too."

Then she left the door and walked away. Naruto frowned and turned to watch her go the same way him and Shikamaru had come.

"Uh... Wasn't that...?" He pointed at the leaving girl. "Then who are we supposed to talk to?"

"What do you want, Nara?"

Naruto flinched violently and spun around so quickly he almost lost his balance. A new dark-haired person stood in the doorway this time, and this one looked quite similar to the one that had just left. There were differences though, definitely.

This was a guy, first of all, and he did not seem at all as friendly and soft as the girl had been. More of a Sasuke-type of guy, though maybe not as angry-looking. This one was more... humorless and no-nonsense. Kind of like someone you would expect to find in the finest office in companies. He looked haughty too. Like he owned the world or came from a family that lived in a castle with a park for a backyard. He also had longer hair than the girl (which was pretty weird, considering who was the guy) and he was taller. They had to be related somehow though, looked similar and had the same weird pale eyes. That ruled out sickness for the girl, Hinata, though, didn't it? Unless it was a genetic one.

And there was something else in the air around this person. Something Naruto had no idea what it was, but it still made his skin itch.

"Just talk," Shikamaru said. His voice had taken on a slightly different tone, although Naruto couldn't quite decide if this one was more serious or more amused. Very strange.

"So talk. I'm busy."

"Your partner left, I'm sure you've got time."

'Oh, that's good,' the reasonable part of Naruto's brain said. 'Goad the no-nonsense guy, good idea. Didn't you say you think better once you had slept? Does that mean you think like an earthworm when you're tired?' Another part (the same one that kept insisting that the skin-itching was justified) was thinking 'serves you right, you... annoying, haughty and cool-looking... guy.'

The guy in the door didn't say anything however, just stared at Shikamaru and waited. For a moment Naruto worried it would turn into a staring game of some sort, but before that could happen Shikamaru shifted and gave sort of a sigh.

"Right," he said. "I'll get to it. Before that though, in case you were wondering, this is Naruto, Sasuke's boyfriend. Don't believe you two have had the pleasure of meeting before. Naruto, meet my friend, Hyuuga Neji."

It shouldn't be possible to go from sort of neutral towards a guy to want to punch his teeth out that bad that quickly. Seriously. It shouldn't be. For health reasons if nothing else. It could not be good for the heart to change opinions that quickly. It was like love at first sight, only in reverse and not... really first sight.

The guy threw a glance in Naruto's direction and this time meeting the pale eyes felt like setting your insides on fire. In a bad way. Naruto wanted to do something about this right now or just crawl out of his skin and never go back. What was this feeling?

"So what do you want?" Neji asked and looked to Shikamaru again. Good for him.

He looked nothing like Naruto had imagined. Naruto didn't remember anymore what he had imagined, but it was nothing like this. This guy, despite the creepy eyes and girly hair, looked more real than the guy in Naruto's mind had looked. He was so... physical, so... there. Neji wasn't just a face-less guy in a bad vision; he was an actual guy. He actually, really existed. He had skin and hands and smelled of sweat from his training. These were the hands that had touched Naruto's boyfriend.

Had he brought Sasuke here? To this fancy house? Or worse, to this secluded spot that was meant for training but definitely could be used for other things? Would Naruto get shot by the bush ninjas if he charged the guy and what was this damned feeling?

"Just to ask some questions," Shikamaru said. His voice sounded like it came from the other side of a water surface. Like Naruto was under and the conversation taking place was above. "You wouldn't happen to be hiding Sasuke, would you?"

"What!?" Naruto, immediately pulled out of his lake, shouted. "He's **here**!?"

One part of Naruto had noted that Neji flinched at the sudden yell and was smugly pleased; all the other parts were screaming for the bastard to say something so that they could decide whether it was okay to start hitting him or not. Bush ninjas or no bush ninjas, if Neji was hiding Naruto's boyfriend, Neji was going down.

Other than the first flinch though, Neji seemed to be quite oblivious of how close he was to a pummeling.

"Excuse me?" he frowned.

Shikamaru probably was more intelligent than an earthworm because he threw out an arm to keep Naruto back even before Naruto had made up his mind about jumping. And it was a strong arm too; he wasn't as weak as he looked.

"Sasuke is missing," Shikamaru said and sounded a bit like Iruka when he got into his teacher with unruly kids to teach-mode. "I want to make sure he's not here before I look in other places."

Even with the waves of anger coursing through his body, Naruto noticed that the expression in Neji's face changed; not much, but enough. He went from haughty and unfazed to invaded by a sliver of worry.

"Other places? You mean...?"

"Yes."

And there was something there, Naruto could feel it. Something was hiding in those words that Naruto didn't know about. The burning waves that Neji had lured out were doused in a wash of coldness and left him confused and for some reason scared.

"What places?" he asked. He and the voices sounded far away from each other again; below the surface and above it.

Neji closed his eyes for a second and gave a short, angry sigh.

"That guy is such an idiot."

It took Naruto a while to figure out that he was talking about Sasuke.

-

Shikamaru lived in a normal apartment in a normal neighborhood. The door had an opening for mail and a sign that said 'no advertisement' under the sign that said 'Nara'. As Naruto stepped through the door and took off his shoes, he wondered if this was the kind of place that Sasuke had lived in before he moved to be Naruto's neighbor.

"My parents are out," Shikamaru said as he turned on the light, moved to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "What do you want to drink?"

"Nothing," Naruto said. He took off his bag and dropped it on the floor.

His head was hurting. His stomach was hurting too. It felt like there was a huge feeling inside of him that desperately wanted to be expressed; only he didn't know what it was, or how to express it. He wondered if it had been there before as well, only hidden beneath the worry and the anger and the frustration. He felt strangely empty all of a sudden. Empty except for that big unknown feeling.

"Come have some orange juice and I'll talk to you."

Naruto looked up and saw Shikamaru standing in the doorway. The guy hadn't really said anything after they had left the Hyuuga castle house; hadn't really said anything before they left the Hyuuga castle house either; at least not since the mentioning of 'other places'. There were a lot of things to say, Naruto knew that. The only thing he really knew now was that he knew a lot less than there was to know. But Shikamaru hadn't said anything. Anger hadn't worked, asking nicely hadn't worked, reasoning hadn't worked. Sasuke wasn't with Neji, that much had been sorted out. Apparently they hadn't talked for a long time, if you were to trust what Neji said and Shikamaru seemed to.

"Where is Sasuke?" Naruto tried the most important question again.

"I'm not sure," Shikamaru said. "But I can guess and would most likely be right."

"Then why didn't we go there instead of here?"

Shikamaru sighed, but it was a soft, apologetic sigh.

"Come on," he said. "No talk without juice. Vitamins are good for you."

It was silly, but Naruto followed him to the kitchen. Didn't know what else he could do. He felt dependent and hated it, but what could he do? There was nothing else to do but trust that this friend of Sasuke's knew what he was doing. So Naruto sat down at the table and accepted the glass when it was offered. He took a mouthful of juice, but lost his trail of thought when the taste reached his tongue. Swallowed quickly and made a face.

"What is this?" He scrunched up his nose. "This is not Happy Cow!"

Shikamaru sat down opposite him with a glass of his own.

"No?" he said and drank. "You saw the carton."

Naruto looked at Shikamaru and hoped the guy would confess and say he'd switched the bottles or something to... to mess with Naruto's head. When no confession came, Naruto sighed.

"I swear," he grumbled eventually. "The city is evil if it can mess up Happy Cow like this."

"Are you drinking?"

"Fine, fine," Naruto muttered; carefully brought the glass back to his lips and sipped.

It didn't taste as awful when you were prepared for it. It wasn't real Happy Cow, but it worked. Naruto had loved Happy Cow since he was a kid. A yellow carton with a hyper-looking orange cow and the tastiest orange juice ever. The name and the carton made no sense whatsoever for an orange juice, but Naruto supposed that was the cool thing about it.

"I think Sasuke is with a man who owns a music store downtown," Shikamaru said when both their glasses were almost empty.

"So why haven't we gone there to look for him?" Naruto frowned.

"Sasuke wouldn't be hiding in the store and I don't know where the man lives."

"Couldn't we go there and ask?" Naruto was getting frustrated. It made no sense. "The ones working there would know, right?"

"It's not that easy," Shikamaru said.

"Why?" Naruto almost shouted and slammed down his glass on the table. His head was hurting even worse. Throbbing. "I don't get it."

His eyes were hurting too. This was supposed to have been easy. Shikamaru was supposed to know where Sasuke was and just lead Naruto to him so that Naruto could take him back home and... and have him back! Why was it so complicated? Why did Sasuke have to run away?

"Come on," Shikamaru said. "I'll show you something."

"What?" Naruto sniffled and hardened his eyes. "If it's not about Sasuke I'm not going."

"It is about Sasuke," Shikamaru said and stood from his chair. "Come."

Then he left the kitchen. Naruto wiped his eyes with his arm quickly, got off his chair and followed. He was led to a room; pretty small. There was an unmade bed, a desk with a stack of what looked like school books and a picture in a frame, a full bookcase and a chest of drawers. A mat on the floor and some clothes. For some reason it was hard to decide whether the room was messy or in order.

"What do you want to show me?" Naruto asked.

"This."

Shikamaru had walked over to the bookcase and pulled out what looked like a small album. He held it out and Naruto reached for it.

"What's this?" he frowned. It was an album. The front said 'PHOTO', the cover was in good condition. Naruto opened up a page and his heart jumped when he saw a small version of Sasuke.

How old could he be? Ten? But that was no look for a ten year old that got his photo taken. He looked so serious. So angry and so upset with the world. He wore the same kind of dark clothes as he did now; his hair was messy.

Naruto turned pages and found more photos, more small versions of Sasuke. Shikamaru was there too, of course, in most of the pictures. There were birthday parties and school ceremonies and everyday life things.

The more photos Naruto watched, the more tears gathered in his eyes. It was sad. So, so sad. Younger Sasuke wore only one expression, on all the photos. His eyes, his postures, his everything, said only one thing. 'I don't want to be here.'

"Those are the oldest ones I've got," Shikamaru said. "He didn't really smile back then. Faked it sometimes when he had to, but never for the camera."

Naruto swallowed and wiped at his eyes before the tears could fall and spoil the album.

"I don't have any photos of him," he said.

"He told you what happened, didn't he?" Shikamaru said. "How he lost his family."

"Yeah," Naruto breathed. He sniffled and noticed that his hands were shaking, slightly.

"He will never get rid of that. You can never erase that for him."

"I never thought that! I just...! I just want to... I want him to be happy."

"That's what we all want," Shikamaru said. "That's what I want and that's what Kakashi wants. What all his psychologists have wanted."

Naruto closed the album and clenched his hands around it. Looked to the floor where a younger Sasuke had slept on a mattress years ago when he and Shikamaru had had a sleepover. It had been in one of the photos.

"But it's not that easy," Shikamaru continued. "It's not about us. If he doesn't want to be happy then no one in the world can..."

"If you think you can talk me into giving up on him, then you really are an earthworm," Naruto said. The steadiness and determination in his voice amazed even him. He looked up and saw that Shikamaru looked surprised; as surprised as his tired expression would let him. Naruto pushed the album back into Shikamaru's hands.

"I'm not letting him go."

For a moment they just stood there, watching each other; Shikamaru holding the album and Naruto with his fists clenched. When the moment was over Shikamaru sighed.

"Aren't you getting tired already?" he asked.

Naruto grinned without joy.

"He's worth it."

"No," Shikamaru said and sighed again. "Really. You're tired, aren't you?"

Then he pushed Naruto on the chest.

He really was tired; Naruto noticed when his legs failed to cooperate as he told them to keep him steady. He stumbled, his head spun. His vision spun as well and didn't stop when he hit the softness of the bed as it was supposed to. He had trouble keeping his eyelids open all of a sudden.

"Okay," he mumbled, or more like slurred. "I'm tired."

"Good," Shikamaru said. His voice sounded far away, as if Naruto was already sleeping. "You'll wake up around noon tomorrow. I'll explain then."

"What...? Hey, I don't wanna..."

"Don't worry. It'll be fine."

The last thing Naruto heard before he was pulled into unconsciousness was Shikamaru's feet against the floor and a door closing. No creaks.

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	56. Phone calls

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 11th 2007, Monday  
second version: December 5th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**56: Phone calls**

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When he locked the door to the apartment and slipped the key in his pocket, Shikamaru wondered if Sasuke would be very upset about him having drugged the boyfriend. It wasn't like he had any bad intentions. There were just things he had to do and could only do alone, and Naruto didn't seem like the type of guy that listened when people said 'stay here for a while. I've got things to do.' At least not in this situation.

He could have taken the time to try and properly explain things to the blond and maybe convince him that it was better if he just stayed in the apartment and got some sleep so that he was rested tomorrow. Shikamaru just wasn't sure it would have worked or how long it would have taken, and he didn't really have much time to spare. Pills in juice were so much easier than persuasion. And quicker, more efficient and more accurate; it had less risk of failure and relapse. Even if Shikamaru somehow managed to convince Naruto he should stay in the apartment, how long would it take for the guy to change his mind? The path that required the least amount of effort should always win on a Saturday. Not that that explanation would make Sasuke any happier.

Sasuke hated it when people grew on him, when he started to care about someone enough that he wanted them to stay. It scared the life out of him, because what he cared for would hurt him when he lost it. At the same time he loved it. Sasuke loved getting attached and having someone grow on him, become part of his life. He had never said it, but it showed. Shikamaru supposed it had something to do with overcoming his fears and not letting his brother defeat him.

They were rare, the people Sasuke had let himself get attached to. He had lots of friends, semi-friends and acquaintances, but his family was small. There was Kakashi and there was Shikamaru. The end. Or it would have been the end a few months ago. Shikamaru wasn't entirely sure when it had happened, didn't think even Sasuke knew, but Sasuke had let Naruto really grow on him.

Shikamaru didn't know why it gnawed at him, the fact that Sasuke had decided to include Naruto in his family, but it did. He knew it was a good thing, that Naruto was good and good for Sasuke. He knew. What had he told Sasuke those months ago?

'_I don't really care; I just don't want you to throw away something that you might want to keep, just because you don't want to accept that you want to keep it.'_

And he meant that. Really, really meant that. But it gnawed at him anyway.

He might try to convince himself that it was because they had known each other for such a short time; but that would be stupid. Hadn't it been about the same amount of time when Kakashi and Shikamaru had become Sasuke's family? He could also try to convince himself that he was just overreacting. Maybe they weren't at all as close as his gut was saying. He could be wrong, hadn't seen much of the two together, after all. But he wasn't wrong.

'_He took my clothes. He had his own in... in my room, but... he took mine from the laundry. I haven't... seen him since last night.'_

Sasuke had cared enough that he had run away. It mattered. Naruto mattered and what they had mattered. Sasuke would have stayed if it had been nothing.

This had happened before; events similar to this one, at least in feeling. It had happened with Shikamaru himself and with Kakashi. This was Sasuke saying 'I don't need you.' Or rather 'I don't want to need you.' 'I don't want to feel better because you are here.' 'I don't want to get hurt when you leave.'

This was Sasuke's way of trying to free himself of the bonds he had let grow. Not with all his might, not because he really, truly wanted them to break, he just had to... test their strength. See if they were maybe just in his mind, from his point of view. Shikamaru supposed that what Sasuke was really saying was 'I care about you. Do you care enough about me?'

Shikamaru didn't accept that as what he truly wanted, but there was a part of him that wanted Naruto to say 'No. You're too much trouble.'

He left the building and walked to the bus stop he always used when he was going into town. It was one of the good lines where the buses came frequently, so within five minutes a blue and white vehicle pulled to a stop beside him and he could get on. He showed his City Card to the driver and took a seat by the window in the middle of the rear half of the bus.

The City Card was only good for three months, then you had to buy a new one, but during those three months you could get on anything (bus, train, subway, even the horse carriage rides in the park and the boat tours on the river) and go anywhere you wanted within city limits. You could use it at any time and how many times you wanted.

Shikamaru and Sasuke used to both have City Cards. They had gotten them extra cheap because they were still in school. While most of their traveling had been to get somewhere, sometimes they had just stepped on a bus or a train for fun, because they had nothing better to do. The favorite had been the boat tours on the river; water mixed with boat engine made a good 'just wasting time' soundtrack. 'We're like an engaged fucking couple,' Sasuke had said once, with a snort and that lazily amused smile he used when he didn't want to express too many emotions.

Shikamaru got off the bus at the eighth stop, two stops from the city central station. He crossed the street and walked for ten, fifteen minutes or so until he started looking for a phone booth. When he found one he got inside, shut the door; dug out some coins from his pocket and fed the machine.

He dialed a number he had never written down anywhere and never shared with anyone. It wasn't on his cell phone and never would be. He wasn't supposed to know it. The Leaf did not call the Sound, not for business like this, especially not someone like Shikamaru to someone as high up as this man; but they had common interests. Four signals came before the other side picked up.

"Yes?"

"Sorry to call," Shikamaru said.

Something rustled, moved, on the other side before the voice returned.

"It's been a while."

"Fortunately."

"Yes."

"Are you out on business?" Shikamaru said and took notice of the writings on the dark blue walls of the phone booth. They weren't everywhere, but there of course. Public property would probably never be able to escape kids and their markers.

"Why?" the other one said.

"Could things have happened at home that you're not aware of?"

There was a short pause before a tired, annoyed sigh came.

"I thought he moved away."

"He did," Shikamaru sighed as well. "Look, I just want to know whether he stopped by your place or not."

Another short pause.

"Right," the one on the other side said. "I'll call you back."

There was a click followed by the beeping noise of 'the one you talked to hung up.' Shikamaru put the receiver back where he had taken it; closed his eyes for a second and made a face. Turned in the booth and looked around. It was a quiet street, only a few people out. The color of the sky said that the sun was getting closer to the horizon, closer to disappearing. It had gotten considerably colder as during the afternoon, icy winds sweeping in between buildings.

Sasuke talked to the shrinks when he had to; he'd lived more years with those talks than without them. But that was just Sasuke the patient, not Sasuke the person. When he was without expectations, without threats of even more talks or medication or hospitalization again, Sasuke preferred not to talk about what went on inside his head. At least when it came to the things that really mattered.

He could point out and share silly or frustrating or stupid things, especially when he was drunk. He could answer questions in class, let people know where he was going and order food at fast food restaurants. He could curse and hiss or yell at people when they annoyed him (though the yelling was mostly reserved for Kakashi and sometimes Tsunade).

Tsunade was interesting actually because she was both a shrink and not a shrink. Sasuke talked to her both as a patient and as a person.

On rare occasions Sasuke expressed gratitude for things that had been done for him. For rescues from particularly wild parties, help through the aftermath of some trips to see Itachi and being talked out of doing something stupid. This thing that was happening now was nothing really, not in comparison. At least it wasn't supposed to be. The gratitude had always come afterwards though. A few hours or days afterwards, sometimes a week or two, depending on what had happened.

That was pretty much the thing with Sasuke the person. He could talk about deeper things, things that went on in his head, but only after they had passed. He didn't say: 'I feel this way now,' or 'I worry that this might happen in the future.' He didn't ask for help with what he was dealing with at the moment, with what he wanted to solve.

As a friend to Sasuke the person, you could only stand by and either notice what was wrong and do what you thought he needed, or not notice and do your best to pick up the pieces afterwards. Shikamaru supposed you got the same deal as a boyfriend.

The phone rang and Shikamaru answered.

"There's nothing you can do," the voice on the other side said with a sigh. "He's at the main house."

Shikamaru closed his eyes for a second again. Not that he was surprised.

"I understand," he said.

"I'll see what I can do once I get back, but it will take a while; I'm in the middle of something."

"Thanks."

Shikamaru chose to walk home. He felt like this was a problem that required thinking while walking. Over the years of being alive and solving various problems around him, Shikamaru had noticed that different problems needed different kinds of thinking if you wanted to solve them quickly and efficiently. So he walked.

He had lied to Naruto before. He knew where 'the man' lived. He knew, but it didn't matter. He couldn't go there.

The main house wasn't a house really; more like a really big, fancy apartment building. They just called it 'main house' because it sounded cooler (or so Shikamaru guessed). This main house was situated in the middle of Sound territory and was where the most secret meetings were held and the most secret things were discussed and decided. It was also where the most important guys in the faction lived. Orochimaru was there, of course; Shikamaru remembered hearing something about the top floor from someone, somewhere.

Not that it would have a difference if it had been the first floor. It was not possible for a member of one faction to get close enough to even see the entrance of another faction's main house. It was part of the rules. Trying would just be a fancy way of getting shot. If there was such a thing. And that was the main house where Sasuke was. Probably on the top floor.

While Naruto would make it much further than Shikamaru, not being attached to any faction, he still wouldn't make it as far as he needed to go to get to Sasuke. He probably wouldn't get shot... Or... Maybe he would. Yeah. If what Shikamaru had seen of the guy so far was any indicator of future behavior, Naruto would get himself shot pretty quickly. And Shikamaru had a distinct feeling that he was the one that would be blamed when Sasuke found out. Drugging the boyfriend was one thing; letting the boyfriend get himself shot was a whole other. You did not let the things that Sasuke had attached himself to get hurt and get away with it. The only bright side to letting Naruto go alone was that Sasuke might get pissed off enough at the Sound to leave them alone in the future.

They could always wait. There was a possibility that the whole thing would sort itself out and Sasuke would decide to go back on his own. Actually it was very likely. Sasuke had been to the Sound main house before and he'd come back alive and in one piece. But there was that 'that it works five times doesn't guarantee that it will work six' saying. At least Shikamaru felt there should be a saying like that.

The Sound main house was not a safe place for Sasuke to spend his time. Sure, Sasuke might argue that 'safe' was a word that needed definition. Nothing was **really **safe, just like everyone was **really** just wandering toward their death. But there were philosophies with the Sound faction that weren't designed to make it easy for people to grow old and keep their livers (or the rest of their bodies for that matter) intact. Drinking (heavily), drugs and fighting; preferably at the same time. Not everyone in the Sound faction was into that kind of living (as with all groups of people, there were varieties), but the ones Sasuke knew and spent his time with were.

But it wasn't just the general philosophies of the place that made the Sound main house an unsafe place for Shikamaru's friend however. There was also Orochimaru. The owner of the downtown music store Legion and leader of the Sound faction had an interest in Sasuke. It was because of that interest that Sasuke got away with as much as he got away with; hanging with the Sound as if he was attached to them, without being a member, while still having a lot of connections with the Leaf. Everyone knew that Orochimaru had an interest in Sasuke. Unfortunately, everyone knowing about it had lead to it losing significance, at least to Sasuke, whom it definitely should not lose significance to. Sometimes that guy was so idiotic it was ridiculous. And scary. He didn't see, or he chose to ignore. Shikamaru wasn't sure which one was worse.

It had never been really established exactly what kind of interest it was. Some claimed it was a purely sexual one, but those people were either idiots or too far down the rumor chain to have a clue. Others said that Orochimaru was looking for a successor. The ones saying that were usually a little closer to where things happened, not just were talked about.

Shikamaru didn't think it was simple enough that one reason could explain it. There probably was a sexual interest, judging on what he had heard, but that was far from everything; couldn't be everything. Not that Shikamaru was really interested in an explanation. He just wanted whatever it was as far away from his friend as possible.

Because of the warnings; the warnings Shikamaru's gut sent him and the warnings he had received from other sources. Orochimaru was not a nice man. Yes, 'nice' was another one of those words that could be discussed. What was nice? What was not nice? Shikamaru was fairly sure however that he could look at almost everyone's definition of 'nice' and still not be able to fit that man into it. And if he did the same with 'dangerous' and 'immoral', Orochimaru was sure to be there.

The fact that nothing really had happened so far meant nothing. Nothing except that the sixth, bad time had come closer. So Shikamaru didn't want to wait.

He did have a plan. Sort of. Or... it was rather more of an idea than a plan. An idea that had been poking at his mind ever since he got that phone call from Naruto and heard what had happened; as soon as his mind had started putting things together and work on a solution (and that had been immediately). While he had wanted to rule out other possibilities first, Shikamaru had been fairly sure that Sasuke had been at the Sound main house. If he had been forced to make a decision right away and get no second chances, he would have acted on the idea even before he told Naruto to get on the bus to the city.

There was a way of getting into the Sound main house. And hopefully out again as well, with Sasuke. If everything worked out. The reason Shikamaru hadn't acted on the idea from the beginning was... well, he didn't quite like it. It was chancy, desperate and the risk of it causing heaps of trouble was frustratingly big. People would be pissed off and people would get hurt. And that was if things went well. It really wasn't something Shikamaru should be doing. He shouldn't even think about doing it. Unfortunately, it was that or waiting and waiting was out of the question. (Going alone and sending Naruto didn't count as plans.)

Shikamaru sighed. He wondered why he always seemed to attract so many annoying situations. Why were most of his friends such idiots? All he wanted was a simple, boring life; his friends and his family safe and plenty of time to take naps.

Two streets from home, Shikamaru took his cell phone from his pocket and dialed the number he had most recently memorized. He pressed the call-button and the other side picked up almost immediately.

-

An hour later, Shikamaru came home to a silent and dark apartment. His parents were still out and Naruto was still drugged. He grabbed the phone on his way to the kitchen and unfolded the small piece of paper he'd received just minutes ago. On it were a series of big, round, slightly uneven digits, a phone number, that had been written with a very short, chewed on, faded green pencil. Shikamaru had seen it.

It was slightly scary how much you could accomplish with a computer if you knew what you were doing; **r****eally** knew what you were doing, Shikamaru doubted just anyone could have pulled off what he had just seen.

He sat down at the table and moved the glass that had contained Naruto's magical orange juice. Sighed. Dialed the number. This had turned into quite a day for phone calls, hadn't it?

"Yeah?" the voice on the other end belonged to a woman. A slightly annoyed woman, or so it seemed.

"Is Gaara there?"

"Who wants to know?"

"A friend."

"What friend?"

Shikamaru made a face. It had to be Gaara's sister, Temari. He had done some research on the former murderer after he returned from that first visit when Sasuke had been sick and had found out that Gaara had left the city with his sister and brother. No parents left.

"Gaara's friend?" Shikamaru said and let a hint 'are you an idiot?' bleed into his voice. Hoped it would work. "Is he in?"

Though when he thought about it, during the short moment of silence that followed, he came to the conclusion that he had to be the idiot. Annoyed women did not respond well to a hint of 'are you an idiot?' Shikamaru had spent enough time around his mother that he should have known. And around Tsunade too, he supposed.

Temari chuckled.

"You don't want to tell me your name," she said.

Shikamaru winced. It could have been such an innocent and nice conversation. 'Is Gaara there?' 'Sure! Just a second, I'll get him.' Shikamaru sighed. As if life was ever that simple for him. He supposed it made sense though, her caution, with the life these people had most likely lived before their father was killed.

"No," he said. "But I really want to talk to Gaara."

"I'm sure you do," she said and shifted the phone against her ear as if making herself comfortable. She sounded more amused than annoyed now actually. Maybe being a pain cheered her up. Shikamaru sighed again. This was pointless.

"Fine," he said. "It's about Naruto."

It was quiet on the other side for a moment and Shikamaru could almost hear the mood changing.

"What about Naruto?" Temari asked slowly. She was not amused anymore. "Who are you?"

"I'm a friend of Sasuke, Naruto's friend."

"What about Naruto?" She repeated in almost a snarl.

"He's fine," Shikamaru said and tried to make his voice sound as harmless and truthful as possible; though he wondered how big the chances were that she would believe him. It must sound awfully suspicious, this phone call. "He's at my place. He would have called himself, but he's sleeping and I don't want to waste any time. He's got some problems and is going to need help."

It was quiet for a moment again.

"You're Nara Shikamaru, aren't you?" Temari said eventually, slowly. "The suicidal Leaf guy. Gaara told us about you."

Shikamaru frowned. Was that a good or a bad thing?

"He said that you care a lot about Sasuke," she continued. "He also said that you're supposed to be smart."

"Supposed to be," Shikamaru muttered.

A small, old lady under an umbrella walked on the sidewalk that ran past their kitchen window. Another moment of silence passed before Temari spoke again.

"Alright." She sounded slightly worried; like she was almost fiddling, though she didn't seem to be the type. "Gaara's not here. I'll give you the number to reach him."

"Thank you," Shikamaru said. He found a pencil on the kitchen counter and wrote down the number she gave him on the note below big, slightly uneven ones. Very different styles. Both numbers had been written slowly, but still they ended up very different. Maybe it was the pencils.

"I think Naruto would appreciate it if you didn't mention his whereabouts to his father," Shikamaru said when he had finished writing. "In case he calls."

"I bet he would," Temari chuckled. She sounded amused again, though not as amused as she had been before. "You haven't met Iruka-san, have you? If you had, you would have known that you didn't need to say it."

Before Shikamaru could reply, she continued, her voice serious again.

"I wouldn't have given you that number unless I thought you were smart enough to figure out what would happen if you tried to pull anything with us," Temari said. "But in case you're not, just to make things clear; if you do anything to get anyone from this town in trouble, I'll come after you. Though... there won't be anything left but bones to spit on by the time I arrive, because I won't get to you first."

"I'll... keep that in mind," Shikamaru said and couldn't help the shivers that ran through him. He knew what she was talking about; had once had the displeasure of seeing the results of Gaara of the Sand. He'd had nightmares after that.

"Pleasure to talk," Temari said. Then she hung up.

People would be pissed off and people would get hurt. Shikamaru hated this plan already.

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	57. And the snake watches snow falling

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 19th 2007, Tuesday  
second version: December 9th 2008, Tuesday

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This is the second time I've written Orochimaru and... I get this feeling that what he says and does has nothing to do with who he is. The only thing I get is what he wants; his purpose. Usually when I write a character, what they say and do shows me both what they're after and who they are. They get a personality through their actions and their words. This guy however, does not get a personality. It's just not showing. I have no idea who he is.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**57: And the snake watches snow falling in silence**

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Sasuke sat on the floor; in front of him was the window and behind him a dark room. He had a glowing cigarette between his fingers and the pack it had come from beside him, together with an ashtray. A snake's head was resting in his lap, the rest of the creature curled up behind him. The music playing in the living room gave the apartment a heavy, rhythmical trembling but the door to the room was closed.

On the other side of the window was darkness where thousands of lights had been sprinkled; moving lights, still lights, colored lights. Almost too many lights for it to be called darkness. The city. Cars, stores, clubs. People walking, working, dancing, running. Laughing. Crying. Living. Trying to escape. Expensive clothes and shoes with markings that everyone recognized. CDs. Stray dogs. Trains and buses. Whores and criminals. Police officers and firefighters. It had seemed so much more impressive from the street that Naruto's house was on. More than a day had passed now, since they were together in the bed in that house on that street.

When the meal Jiroubou had prepared for him was eaten and the sky had darkened even more, Sasuke had asked for a towel and locked himself in the bathroom for that shower, finally. Undressing had been less complicated than one part of him thought it was supposed to be; strangely normal; strangely the same as always. As if nothing had changed.

As his skin was uncovered, there had been no sudden awareness of 'the last time I undressed completely, I had not been alone. I had not even been responsible for the undressing.' Sasuke had thought those things, but they had not affected him like that one part of him thought it should. He had allowed the last piece of Naruto's slightly oversized clothing, the underwear, to fall down his legs without hesitation.

The only thing that was really different about this undressing, compared to all the other ones Sasuke had had in his life, was the reminder; the dull complaint in his body when he shifted his legs or his hips, reminding him of what had happened in that bed in that house on that street. But what made the most impact on Sasuke during the time he spent locked in the bathroom was not the dull ache of his body. It was the markings he found when his borrowed clothes fell away to uncover him. The soft, colored stains covering his skin.

Logically Sasuke knew that this was nothing. He had been kissed like this before; been covered in markings like this and much worse than this. Before by Naruto and before Naruto. There were not even that many stains this time, and they were not that visible. But it was different. These markings were different somehow. He couldn't believe he hadn't taken notice of them before. It made him want to turn away from the mirror at the same time as it kept his eyes there.

The water of the shower had been near scalding hot and on the border of too painful, still it hadn't kept his attention from wandering to the stains again and again. Sasuke was so caught up in them that it was only when the heavy, rhythmical trembling started that he realized that the others had come back and started his 'welcome home' party.

He barely had time to leave the bathroom before a drink was pushed into his hand and a flurry of red-haired woman threw an arm around his neck.

'Welcome home, Uchiha!' she had screamed into his ear, because the music had been that loud. 'Drink! If you're not puking before midnight I'll kick your ass!'

The smile had been a reflex; as had the taking a swig of the liquid in the glass in his hand. Tayuya had laughed as his eyes squeezed shut at the heavy taste of alcohol.

'Now keep that up!'

She had slapped him on the back, pushed away and headed off toward the living room. Sasuke had grimaced again at the bitter taste in his mouth. He had had a strong feeling that if he hadn't showed up, they would have celebrated the fact that it was Saturday.

He had stayed with the party for a while, sitting in the couch built for eight big guys and screaming short and shallow conversations about nothing really. He had assured that the life in the shitty town sucked, because that was all the people here wanted to know. He had smiled now and then, when it was expected. He had emptied glasses and smoked. Orochimaru didn't throw fits about smoke in his living room.

The man himself had for most parts of the evening been away. He had showed up now and then to say something (even with the music he hadn't needed to scream) or stand in the doorway to the living room for a moment and just watch, but then he had disappeared again as quickly as he had come. Sasuke had supposed the man had things to do. He didn't know exactly what was involved in running a gang, but assumed it had to be enough to keep one busy.

Sasuke had left the couch eventually, fairly quickly for being him, legs interesting and the dull reminder of Naruto and the sex drowned in intoxication. Or had he just gotten used to it? He hadn't been sure. His head had been spinning.

And now Sasuke sat almost alone in the room where he had slept from early Saturday morning to late Saturday afternoon, watching the lights from above. Distanced from the party and the people. He felt distanced on the inside as well. He was not a part of this place. This was not his home, not this apartment and not this view. This was not a place where he could stay. While he had not planned to stay, knowing in his heart that for some reason he couldn't was painful. He would have liked to have been given a choice, but he didn't belong here.

The music grew louder as the door opened and then muffled again when it closed some moments later. Sasuke could feel that he was not alone.

"You're missing from your party."

"It's my party," Sasuke said without taking his eyes from the view. "I'm allowed to be missing."

There came a soft chuckle from the door and then the soft sound of feet without shoes against floorboards as Orochimaru moved closed. He sat down beside Sasuke, next to the body of the snake.

"Of course," the man said. "You're allowed to do whatever you want here."

Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment, then swallowed and turned his head around to look at his host. He couldn't remember ever having seen him sit on the floor before and it didn't seem to fit with the confidence, pride, authority and the slight, evil-looking amusement the man always carried around. He looked misplaced.

"And you can stay for as long as you like," Orochimaru continued. "If you have to leave, come back whenever you feel like it. As long as I'm around."

It sounded cheesy and like it hadn't been said at all, but conjured by Sasuke's drunken mind. Only his drunken mind usually wasn't that cheesy.

"Okay," Sasuke said.

'_I don't belong here,'_ his mind whispered.

Orochimaru leaned over and grabbed a hold of Sasuke's hand; fiddled his fingers apart and stole the cigarette. He took a lungful before handing it back, just like Shikamaru used to do, but this felt different in a way. It felt less 'we're friends', though Sasuke couldn't put his finger on what the reason for that was. Maybe because the man was taller; because he had longer hair and didn't look as bored.

When Sasuke pulled a new cigarette from the pack on the floor and handed it over, the man's slight, evil-looking amusement grew to an evil-looking smile. He leaned closer again to light it against the already glowing cigarette between Sasuke's lips.

Sasuke wondered, not for the first time, how much truth there was to Kakashi's constant ranting about old geezer pedophiles. Probably more truth than there was untruth, but for some reason it seemed to lack significance. The bigger part of Sasuke didn't care.

They smoked in silence for a moment while watching the darkness with its lights. Sasuke finished the cigarette he had, took out another one and lit it on Orochimaru's.

What did the man get out of this anyway? Sasuke couldn't help but wonder. Somehow it felt wrong with an adult having so much time on his hands that he could sit smoking on the floor with a teenager. Wasn't he supposed to be busy? Being a gang leader and all? Kakashi would start another paranoid rant if Sasuke told him about this when they met next time; he would go on about there being filthy reasons behind everything and a fruit looking okay on the outside didn't mean it wasn't rotten at the core.

But Sasuke knew all those things. He wasn't some innocent kid that had grown up sheltered and needed to be told that the world could be scary. Sasuke knew, probably much better than Kakashi did, what kind of things the world could treat you with. He knew, but that did not mean he wanted to hide in his room for the rest of his life to avoid more hurt; if that had been his intention he would have stayed hospitalized. He didn't want to live afraid. Besides, Sasuke highly doubted that Orochimaru could hurt him more than he had already been hurt. He highly doubted that anyone could.

"It shows, did you know that?" the man suddenly broke the silence and Sasuke turned his attention from his thoughts and his gaze from the city. A shiver wandered through him, as if he already knew what showed, but he asked anyway. Orochimaru was still looking out the window.

"What?"

"When you lose your virginity."

Sasuke felt like laughing in the middle of everything. It was embarrassing, yes. It sent many hot and cold streams of temperature racing through his body and raised questions like 'what the fuck?' and 'really?' and 'where are you going with this?' But if this was the world's response to his "challenge" that he been hurt much worse than he could ever be hurt here, the world was either a retard or needed to do some more thinking.

"Something changes in the eyes," Orochimaru continued and then he finally turned away from the view to look at Sasuke. Because of the subject Sasuke couldn't help but wonder how those eyes had looked when that man was still a boy.

"That sounds made up," Sasuke said, swallowed and wondered if his face was warm because of the alcohol or the conversation. Had it been this warm before? He could feel the reminder between his legs again, like a whisper. Naruto had changed his eyes?

"Yes, doesn't it?" the man chuckled. He looked back to the window and put the cigarette to his lips. "I could see the change in your eyes when you walked through the door. I was disappointed in a way, in another I was proud. Who was it?"

'Why were you disappointed?' Sasuke wanted to ask, but wasn't sure why. He knew what the answer would be, didn't he? 'Because I wanted to do it myself.' Sasuke found himself wondering again if it would have hurt as much if it had been someone else, someone other than Naruto. Was it only Sasuke's fault or should the blame be placed on both of them? He was fucked up and sick in the head, but was that the only thing that had gone wrong? One part of him said 'no' and one part of him said 'yes'. He decided that it didn't matter. It wasn't like he could take it back. Had his eyes really changed?

"Just a guy," Sasuke muttered. It was a lie but he didn't want to elaborate. Not now. He felt restless, nervous. He felt like something was about to happen, or was already happening. "Why proud?"

"Because sex isn't something that should be avoided," Orochimaru said and there was no trace of amusement in his voice anymore. He took his eyes from the window and placed them on Sasuke again. "Because it means you're finally growing up."

At that Sasuke was invaded by ice and he dropped his gaze to his hands. He felt something stir in his stomach. Nausea.

"I've been growing up since I was born," he said quickly and gritted his teeth. He hated the painful thickness growing in his throat and the burning behind his eyelids when he closed them.

"No," Orochimaru said. "You haven't."

Sasuke felt his stomach turn and his whole being tensing up. He didn't want to hear. He was overwhelmed with desire to scream 'shut up!'

"Growing up is something we choose," the man continued.

He didn't want to be told that it had been his intention.

"And you have been avoiding it for a long time."

'_Why are you crying over something that you wanted all along?'_

Sasuke's fingers dropped their grip on the cigarette and he threw the hand over his mouth. As if it had known for a long time what would happen, the snake moved to let Sasuke get to his feet, turn, stumble and get to the door. Sasuke staggered through the apartment, draped in loud music and voices again, struggling desperately to keep the content of his stomach from escaping; fortunately no one was occupying the bathroom. For the second time since Naruto had left his body, Sasuke made it to the toilet before he threw up.

-

I don't understand why it matters. I feel like an idiot, like the stupidest, stupidest idiot. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't hurt this much. It has to be the sickness in my head. It has to be because I'm fucked up. It has to be Itachi's fault.

I can't ever go back to 'before'.

'Before' is the place where I still have the option to go back to the skin of what used to be, the skin of what I had before Itachi decided that our parents should be murdered. It's not the physical things. It's not the house on the street where the lawns were neatly cut in the summer and presented children's creations of snow in the winter. It's not my room or our kitchen or the family car. It's not mother taking us to school and daycare or father sometimes coming home so late that we had dinner after the evening kid's shows on TV.

The skin is the inside things. The things I looked forward to. Growing taller, my birthday, snow, Christmas, school; getting to sit in the kitchen at the table like my brother and do homework. It is the things that I was and what I believed in. It is my heart and the childish innocence I had.

I left that skin behind me when that world was torn apart. I ripped it off my body and threw it on the ground and then ran as fast as I could, as far as my legs could carry me. It was too painful to stay. Impossible, impossible to keep those things and live with what had happened.

I suppose I thought it was gone, that skin. Lost and gone and would never come back and that was just fine. I didn't need a heart that was that vulnerable and helpless; that weak. I thought it was lost.

But somehow, in some part of me, I kept the memory of that skin and how to get to it; if only for the comfort of knowing I had it in me and that I could go back, I just chose not to. It wasn't all lost to me. If I only managed to get myself sorted out enough and made up my mind, I could go back and it wouldn't be like before, but it would be something.

I wouldn't have to be this fucked up person that I had become. I could be... more normal. I could care for the people I care for like a normal person would. I wouldn't worry Kakashi anymore. I would be a better friend to Shikamaru, and Neji and the others. I would do my best to get along with Iruka.

I wouldn't run away and hide myself from Naruto. I would tell him of all those good, warm things that he wraps around me and that I never want to be rid of.

I would be able to forgive my brother, because it wasn't his fault. I would be able to go visit him alone and without receiving safety pills afterwards.

I would be able to go visit my parents' grave.

But it's lost to me now. That skin I left behind has dried up and died away. If I follow that trail in my memory I won't find what I'm looking for. I won't find anything.

I'm left with the fucked up person that I have become.

-

When Sasuke left the bathroom the apartment had gone silent. The music had been turned off and the people celebrating had either moved to a bedroom or fallen asleep on the couch. There were empty beer cans and various bottles scattered in the living room; along with leftover snacks and a cake that Sasuke assumed was the one Jiroubou had suddenly decided he wanted to make last night, not long before Sasuke had left the party. Someone had spilled some translucent fluid on the floor.

As he passed the kitchen Sasuke had to stop in the doorway to look at view. The sky was covered with clouds and they lacked the usual amazing colors. Thin, small flakes were fluttering down from sky toward the ground. It was early Sunday morning and snowing for the first time that year.

He had fallen asleep on the floor next to the toilet, a mix of the alcohol and exhaustion dragging him from consciousness. Before he did he had cried. He had cried until he ran out of tears and his eyes were so swollen he could barely see. Sasuke couldn't remember the last time he'd cried like that. If he hadn't been so exhausted and his brain so occupied by that strangely bemused after-major-crying emptiness, he would have felt pathetic. Fifteen years old and crying like a kid... Damn.

But because sleep on bathroom tiles didn't do much for recovering energy, he only felt that bemused emptiness. Oh, and a killer headache, though that could be from the drinking, he supposed. His eyes still felt swollen. He didn't need a mirror to know he looked like shit. Sleep on tiles didn't do much for recovering anything really, when Sasuke thought about it; you only lost hours. Or got rid of them, depending on how you chose to see it.

When he opened the door to his room for the weekend, Sasuke was surprised to find Orochimaru still sitting on the floor where he had been sitting hours ago, looking out the window. The snake was curled around him like it had been curled around Sasuke, head in the man's lap. Both the man and the snake shifted and looked toward the door when it opened. Sasuke found himself hesitating in the door. If you could see silly things like 'this guy has sexual experience these days' in a person's eyes, you were probably quite capable of seeing 'this guy cried so hard his eyes wanted to bleed last night before he fell asleep on my bathroom floor'.

"S-Sorry," Sasuke said eventually. He entered the room and closed the door behind him again. Though he wasn't quite sure what he was apologizing for. Looking like shit? Misuse of the bathroom for an entire night? He wondered how many had been forced to run in panic to other floors. When he thought more about it he realized, with embarrassment, that someone must have told the guys to leave the bathroom alone, because no one had come to bother him. Maybe he should be saying 'thanks' instead of 'sorry'.

"Sit down," Orochimaru said, his voice carrying a tone of 'don't be shy'. He wore one of his evil-looking 'it's just the way I smile' smiles.

Sasuke gave a soft, tired sigh that wasn't meant to be heard, moved closer and sat down where he had been sitting before. He took the offered cigarette and accepted the flame of the lighter the man had produced from some pocket. He would have preferred a pill for his head instead but nicotine was better than nothing.

The snow swirled outside the window and Sasuke saw that the world below had whitened. It was the first of December today, wasn't it?

Sasuke found himself wondering what Naruto was doing. What should he be doing? What did people do this early on Sunday mornings? Sleep, probably. So what was he dreaming?

Naruto told Sasuke about his dreams sometimes; strange and funny dreams that made Sasuke smile and shake his head and mutter 'you're weird'. Sometimes Naruto got defensive and said that dreams were supposed to be weird. 'I bet your dreams are even weirder!' and sometimes he grinned and agreed; nuzzled Sasuke's neck and cuddled and made Sasuke feel warm.

For some reason the distance between them made Naruto feel stronger and taller and more mature. It was like Sasuke's mind forgot that the blond was actually silly, loud, an idiot (a nice one, but still an idiot) and annoyingly stubborn sometimes. From this room, despite protests from some parts of him, Sasuke saw other things. He saw that scary amount of wisdom that showed up when it was needed the most. He saw the good heart; Naruto was never cruel to anyone. Sasuke saw the smiles and the gentleness and the light. He saw the faithfulness; even though Sasuke had probably been a pain more often than not, Naruto had stayed with him.

How the hell could he have managed to get together with such a... such a gem of a guy? Without realizing it. He hadn't even... hadn't even tried, had he? Quite the opposite, he had tried not to. It felt unreal.

Sasuke felt his stomach flutter.

His head was still hurting, his eyes were still swollen and life was still a mess. But for some reason he felt... he felt happy. No, grateful. Amazed. Sasuke found himself smiling. Crazy.

"It was my boyfriend," Sasuke said and broke the early Sunday morning silence. He couldn't stop smiling. "That changed my eyes. Not just a guy."

That evening they had spent in that bed that was so far away now, the reason Sasuke was here in the first place, thinking about it still made Sasuke's insides tense, but... but if you took away the mess that Sasuke's fucked up self had brought, if you only looked at Naruto... He couldn't have been more caring and careful and gentle, could he? No one could have wished for a better way to change their eyes.

Sasuke couldn't believe he had ever even considered that a drunken, anonymous encounter would have been better than what had happened. Maybe he was the idiot... No. No, not maybe. He definitely was. His smile faded.

"I have to go home," Sasuke said. Because part of him was suddenly overwhelmed with fear that he had ruined things. Because there was a chanting in his head suddenly that went _'what if he doesn't want me anymore?' _and_ 'How can he want me after this?'_

Sasuke looked at Orochimaru and found the man watching him. His eyes looked like they always did; like they were hiding a world of information and that this information was very amusing. A wicked amusement. It really was hard to imagine this man with virgin eyes.

"Really?" he said.

.  
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	58. Stupid teenagers

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 25th 2007, Monday  
second version: December 12th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**58: Stupid teenagers**

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Some minutes after midnight, very early Monday morning, the car pulled to a stop in front of Iruka's house. Kakashi turned off the engine and just sat there for a while. The neighborhood was quiet. The lamp above the table in the kitchen was turned on, but the rest of the rooms in the house were dark. Just seeing it made Kakashi smile. It was still there.

He had joked as they drove back that maybe the houses wouldn't be there when they came home. Iruka had said that if Sasuke and Naruto had managed to erase two houses in three days, they should be up for some kind of award.

When the mess that had been Friday evening had passed (some moments after Iruka decided to turn the 'we've both got issues' comfort cuddling into foreplay), the cruise had been really nice. They had spent most of Saturday in bed and one half of Sunday playing darts and a very small version of mini golf in the games room and the other half in the pool. Most of their meals had either been eaten in their room or very late in the evening when all the little monsters had gone to bed. Iruka had insisted.

Kakashi lifted his hand and dragged the back of it softly against the cheek of the man sleeping in the seat next to him. Iruka moaned and shifted; he drew a deep breath and his eyes fluttered open.

"Are we home?" the man said, in the middle of a half-yawn. He didn't seem entirely awake.

"Yes. Good morning, beautiful," Kakashi smiled and leaned over to kiss Iruka's lips. The man was surprised for a moment, sort of, but then he woke up a little more and kissed back. When their mouths became separate beings again, they were both smiling. Their bodies had moved even closer and their hands had found nice resting places on hips and arms and neck.

"Can't we take tomorrow off?" Iruka whispered through his smile.

"Sure we can," Kakashi replied through his.

It made Iruka snort and push him away playfully.

"You're not supposed to say that," he faked his serious teacher voice. "You're supposed to say 'no, definitely not. You're going to work tomorrow whether you want to or not.'"

"Oh?" Kakashi frowned and played along. "Well, in that case... No, you're definitely not taking tomorrow off, my naughty little school teacher. You're going to work whether you want to or not. Or I'll punish you."

Iruka laughed and slapped Kakashi's shoulder.

"I didn't say all that!"

"That's absolutely right," Kakashi said. "I was the one who said that. Good to know all this vacationing hasn't ruined you."

Iruka snorted again, amusedly, and freed himself from the seat belt. He collected the trash that had gathered in the car during the trip before opening the door and getting out, while Kakashi collected car keys and the many small, half-full bags of candy that always seemed show up during trips like this one.

The sound of the car doors shutting echoed in the empty and otherwise silent street. The bags that belonged to Iruka's house were taken from the trunk.

"We're home!" Kakashi shouted when he got inside the door. "You're out of time, horny teenagers! Restrain your lustful urges!"

Then he chuckled and dodged Iruka's kick. He'd planned to do that ever since they left the house, almost three days ago now.

After the shout, the inside of the house was as midnight quiet as the street had been, not counting their rustling with bags and shoes and car keys in the hall. No angry teenagers coming down the stair, throwing glares like they were daggers and snarling words like 'you should have stayed away!'

Oh, well. Maybe they were sleeping or busy in the other house.

Kakashi believed that sex was a part of growing up, a good part. It was a way of getting to know yourself. Whether you did it with someone you had just met at a party or with someone you'd dated for a year, you learned more about who you were.

Sasuke had never seemed to Kakashi to be the kind of person that wanted to save himself for the sake of marriage or true love or anything like that, but he was a private person. When it mattered, Sasuke preferred to stay behind a closed door. Kakashi supposed that was the reason the boy had never gone further than making out with 'for an hour or two' boyfriends he'd met at those parties. He didn't want to share himself to that extent.

But this that Sasuke had with Naruto was different. Not at all like what he had had with those 'for an hour or two' boyfriends. Sasuke was serious with this; for some reason, even though he might not really see it himself, he was serious. And because he was a normal teenage boy when it came to things like hormones, the chances that he would let this serious boyfriend stay with him behind that closed door were high.

And despite what Iruka said about them being too young, it was a good thing. It was a good idea and even better, a good choice of partner. Naruto was caring, good-hearted, stubborn and just the right amount of perverted. It was like the boy brought balance to all those little traits that Sasuke had that often made things difficult for him.

It didn't have anything to do with Kakashi wanting Sasuke to grow up.

"Shikamaru," Iruka said from the kitchen and drew Kakashi's awareness to him. Kakashi took two steps back to the kitchen entrance and found his boyfriend standing by the table. His face and the rest of his front were illuminated by the lamp that one of the teenagers must have been good and left on. He held a note in one of his hands.

"Hm?" Kakashi showed his attention. Iruka looked up, his face kind of... blank, in a scary way. The house got considerably colder all of a sudden. All thoughts of sexual debuts and a growing up Sasuke were thrown out the window.

"Isn't that the boy you said was friends with Sasuke? The one who lives in the city."

"Um... Yes."

In normal cases Kakashi would have said 'Um... Yes. That's one Shikamaru. There are probably others as well, but that is one of them.' But the house was too cold for that and Kakashi valued his life. He wanted to see that Sunday with a family breakfast in the future.

Iruka made a sniffling sound. Not a sad sniffling sound; a determined sniffling sound that if it were to be translated into words would say 'okay. If that's how you wanna play.'

"You didn't authorize any sleepover without telling me, did you?

"Ah. No, I didn't."

"I didn't think so," Iruka said and put the note on the table. "I need to use the bathroom. When I get back, could you please have the car ready? We're going to go pick up our sons. You know where this Shikamaru lives, right?"

Kakashi swallowed.

"Okay. And yes."

A sleepover at Shikamaru's house? Stupid teenagers. Three days of home alone time to explore their sexuality wasn't exciting enough?

"Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes?" Kakashi swished around, his hand stopped in the air just above the door handle.

"I'll drive."

Kakashi found it difficult to move for a moment.

'_They will be grounded for life. __**I **__will ground them for life; for endangering the life of a parent. And I'm the good parent! You don't endanger the life of the good parent. You don't endanger the life of the bad parent either, not if you value your own, but I gave them a weekend of privacy! Have they no sense of gratitude?'_

"They have school tomorrow," Iruka hissed to himself before the door to the bathroom slammed shut and the way the photos on the walls rattled reminded Kakashi of Sasuke. It also pushed him into movement.

But when they were on the road, flying a short distance above the asphalt (or so it felt like. Fortunately it was late (or early) enough that they were the only ones out driving), Kakashi found that he was grateful for the speed, for his boyfriend's quick decision to go after the children and his friendliness with the gas.

There was something more to that note than what the note said. It felt fake. Made up. It made Kakashi's stomach grow cold and knotted and made him want Iruka to drive faster. If it had been half a year earlier and just Sasuke, Kakashi would have sighed and shrugged. Then he would have watched TV and worried until the boy came home. Not that Sasuke would have written a note.

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	59. Ganged up on me

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 29th 2007, Friday  
second version: December 16th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**59: Ganged up on me**

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Naruto awoke with a start from a sleep with no dreams. He found himself looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling and for a moment wondered where he was. On his back, he realized; under a blanket, naked except for his underwear. He blinked slowly and found the same ceiling when his eyes opened again. Then he yawned. Then he remembered.

He sat up quickly and the blanket fell from him.

"The bastard!" he yelled, threw the blanket off him and jumped out of bed. He didn't bother looking for his clothes, even though a small voice in his mind asked if it really was such a good idea running around almost naked in someone else's house. Apartment. 'The parents should have returned by now, shouldn't they?' that small voice said and carried worry with it. 'Good!' the rest of him mentally shouted. 'It will serve that Shikamaru-bastard right'. Naruto couldn't believe the guy had been so evil!

His mind wasn't fuzzy at all. He remembered everything. The funny tasting juice, Shikamaru showing him those sad pictures of Sasuke and trying to talk Naruto into giving up on his boyfriend. As if true love was that easy to give up on. These days Naruto wasn't so sure that true love was as... well, **true**... and simple as he had thought it would be before he really got to know Sasuke. There were so many things to this relationship, to them, that Naruto never would have expected. It hadn't been simple or easy anywhere; a struggle since they started, since that first Sunday when they met. How many weeks had passed since then? How many weeks had they struggled?

As he stalked through the apartment and vaguely noticed by the light and the special quietness that it was early morning, Naruto found himself wondering, not for the first time this weekend, if all relationships were this difficult or if it was just a relationship with Sasuke. Maybe the difficulties had increased because of Sasuke and what had happened to him. Naruto remembered what the Shikamaru-bastard had said on the phone yesterday, that things like this just happened with Sasuke. He remembered Sasuke's story about him running away from Kakashi, hiding in a shelter for bikes and getting a horrible cold. Maybe they did just happen, things like this, with Sasuke. Had that running away been like this running away?

'_I thought that the world would feel that I cared and take him away from me.'_

Naruto's fists clench and his teeth gritted as he grew cold and warm at the same time. If a day and two nights had passed when Sasuke ran from Kakashi then... Naruto didn't even know where Sasuke was!

"You drugged me, you bastard!" Naruto yelled when he reached the kitchen, even though his eyes had blurred in the wind as he walked so he couldn't make out who was sitting there.

"I told you he'd wake up before noon," a quiet voice said. But... That sounded like...? Naruto blinked quickly to rid himself of the blur so he could see. It was.

"Gaara?" he asked, anger whiskered away by utter confusion. "What are you...?"

Then his eyes snapped to a smiling, waving dark-haired guy sitting next to Gaara.

"Lee?"

"Good morning, Naruto," his friend since first grade said, like this was his kitchen and not one in the city where he wasn't supposed to be. "Shikamaru-kun called and said you needed some backup."

At that Naruto's eyes moved again to land on the last person sitting at the table, opposite Gaara, looking kind of sorry and kind of tired. Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah," the Shikamaru-bastard said and sighed. "I drugged you. Sorry. I also confirmed my suspicions about Sasuke's location while you were out, and called your friends."

"He still hasn't told us how he got our number however," Gaara said.

"I told you," Shikamaru sounded whiny for a second. "I've got a friend with skills."

"More skills than he should have," Gaara sipped at the content of a cup wrapped in his hands. Coffee, judging from the smell. "Or is it a she?"

"It's just a guy, alright? Not involved in anything. Forget about him already."

"So a he."

"Come now, Gaara," Lee said, diplomacy in his voice. "Shikamaru-kun had good intentions and good reasons. I'm sure he wouldn't..."

"No, he didn't," Naruto interrupted and two pair of eyes turned to him. Gaara kept his away. "He didn't have good reasons. I don't need backup."

The kitchen was quiet for a moment, except for the clock ticking on the wall and Gaara sipping at his coffee.

"Go home," Naruto said.

They should never have come. They should never have been involved, should never have known.

Yes, part of him felt so relieved that they were here. He hadn't had time to think about it before, it had been nothing compared to his missing boyfriend, but... it had been slightly scary to be here in this place he didn't know, with nothing but the company of thousands of strangers and a guy he'd only met once before. It was like his heart sighed with relief to have his friends with him.

But he wanted them to never have come. For the same reasons he hadn't called them before he left for the city and for the same reasons he hadn't wanted to tell them about the sex-plans. This was not their business. This was between him and Sasuke. Naruto refused to make decisions on his own but when those decisions caused problems run and cry to his friends.

Shikamaru could help because... because he wasn't there for Naruto's sake. He wasn't there to be emotional support; he was there to find Sasuke. He knew more about Sasuke and his life in the city than Naruto did. Lee and Gaara however, they knew as much as Naruto. He loved them as friends, but they couldn't tell him where Sasuke was.

"You can't do this alone, Naruto," Lee said, his eyes were both serious and sorry.

"I'm telling you to go home!"

Gaara placed the cup on the table then and looked at Naruto. His eyes were angry and it caused the anger inside Naruto to lose its strength. Gaara was not supposed to be angry these days. He could be grumpy sometimes; less sociable and talkative than he usually was. He could be in that evil, frustrating mood when he messed with Naruto's head until Naruto just wanted to scream and go home and to bed. But Gaara wasn't angry. Not these days. Naruto found his heart beating and his insides cold.

"You don't know me very well, Naruto," the red-haired friend at the table said, his pale green eyes refusing to let Naruto go. "If you think I would let you get yourself killed because you're too stubborn to admit when you're in over your head, or because that boyfriend of yours has got privacy issues."

This silence that followed was heavier than the first, the sound of the clock somehow having been erased by Gaara's eyes.

"I just..." Naruto started but his voice sounded wrong and it failed him. His mind failed as well. For a moment he didn't know what to say, not even how to think. Then, in the silence and sudden darkness of his being came one thing.

"Where is he?"

And his voice didn't fail him.

-

"We'll go in through the service entrance to draw as little attention to us as possible," Gaara said. "They've got a few guys outside, but nothing we can't handle."

"Take the stairs when you first get in, rather than the elevators," Shikamaru said.

"Yes. More options. We'll use the service elevators when we get higher."

"Don't cause too much trouble."

"I won't have to if Sasuke has the influence you say he has."

"He... should have."

"You will have yourself a war if he doesn't," Gaara said and heaved a wooden case, large enough to contain a grown man, onto his back. "I will do what I have to do to get these two out of there alive."

"Three," Naruto said and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not leaving without Sasuke."

"It will be fine, Gaara," Lee said, his smile filled with confidence.

"Yes, it will," Gaara said. The 'I will make sure' didn't need to be said.

Then they left.

-

Naruto wondered how many hours of this weekend he had spent on buses. There had been the trip to the city, the trip to Neji, the trip to Shikamaru's apartment afterwards and the trip now. And there would be at least four or five trips after this one, before they got home. He found himself thinking about the second night of the sleepover when Sasuke first kissed him, remembered thinking that he'd probably never experience a more surprising and eventful weekend. He was tempted to think the same again, but was afraid of what the world would do next time if he did.

The trip now was taking him, Lee and Gaara to the city central station. There they would change buses to one that would take them to another part of the city, the part where Sasuke was; if Shikamaru was right and for the sake of his life, Naruto hoped that he was. His brain was still a little messy from the encounter with angry Gaara. While the redhead has calmed down pretty quickly afterwards and Naruto's logic said that this angry Gaara was very different from the other angry Gaara, that he hadn't been unfortunate enough to meet for years now, Naruto was still a little shaky.

The things that had been talked about before they left Shikamaru's apartment also helped to keep the feeling of befuddlement present. The strategy talk in the hall, he still didn't want to really accept what it meant, and the talk about the past in the kitchen. Naruto had heard things about Gaara and his family before they moved from the city, things about Shikamaru and Neji and things about Sasuke. If Naruto's life had seemed like a movie before, it **was** a movie now.

Naruto's friend and his friend's siblings were ex-gang members, Naruto's boyfriend's friend was a gang member and Naruto's boyfriend's ex was a gang member too. While Naruto's boyfriend himself was not technically a gang member, he was close enough that he could take shelter at a gang leader's place. The story hadn't been very detailed; no real 'why's or 'how's, just that Gaara, Temari and Kankuro had been involved in the gang business before (but had cut off most of the ties with it when they left the city), that Shikamaru and Neji were involved now (with another gang) and that Sasuke had been involved before (though not as involved as the others had been), not with just one gang but two, and that he still kept contact with one through Shikamaru and the other through its leader (that owner of that music store Shikamaru had mentioned to Naruto while he was in the process of drugging him). Seriously. If someone had told Naruto before he left school on Friday that he would soon learn all these new things about his friends and his future bride, he would have laughed himself silly. Naruto hadn't laughed today though. It had been too serious for that, despite the strangeness of it all. It had been serious and messed up and scary.

He had remembered that time Sasuke had asked him about Gaara in Naruto's kitchen before he passed out. Naruto had known nothing, but now he wondered if Sasuke had. He was filled with thoughts and part of him wanted details and more information. He knew nothing about these things, besides what he'd seen on TV and in the movies and heard from Iruka's horror stories about the dangers of the city and why Naruto should not 'go there and check it out.' Shikamaru seemed a little... well, too normal to be in a gang, didn't he? Okay, so he drugged his guests, that was evil, but still. He lived in normal apartment and had a normal room. He didn't have the bad ass attitude that Naruto had always thought gang members had to have. The same went for Temari and Kankuro. They didn't have the bad ass attitude either. Sure, Temari could be a little edgy sometimes... And Kankuro **was** a little weird. But being a bit edgy and weird didn't make you a gang member. They didn't have the whole 'beat people up and have tattoos' thing that Gaara had. Naruto could understand how a gang would have liked Gaara as their member, but the rest of his family? No. And definitely not Shikamaru. Except for the drug thing.

Maybe Temari and Kankuro had something like that too, somewhere. Like an inner gang member. Maybe everyone did. Well, everyone except Iruka. Iruka did not have an inner gang member. To Iruka gangs equaled being shot by your friends when you were twelve while taking drugs, or something like that. If the man found out that Naruto had followed a gang member home (and been drugged!), Naruto would be grounded for life. Sneaking off to the city and having sex and not eating the food in the freezer would be nothing at all compared to getting drugged by a gang member.

There had also been questions. How come Gaara and his siblings had been allowed to quit the gang? Weren't gangs supposed to be all evil to members that wanted out? How could Sasuke be friends with two gangs?

But the thoughts and the questions had been just whispers in Naruto's mind compared to the location of Sasuke and the importance of getting him back. This music store owner slash gang leader was supposed to be friends or whatever with Sasuke, but Naruto remembered how the expression on Neji's face had changed when Shikamaru had mentioned the 'other places'. If that wasn't enough, Gaara was here and he had been angry, for possibly the first time since he got better, because Naruto had wanted to go to that place where Sasuke was alone.

And then there was that burning hole of worry inside Naruto's heart that seemed like it wanted to swallow up everything that he was. That burning alone would have been enough to numb out the desire to ask pointless questions that would only waste time. It had been there ever since he woke up alone, but never been this strong and painful. He wanted Sasuke home and back in his sight, back at his side. He wanted to have Sasuke in his presence again.

The details could wait.

-

They got off the bus when they reached the station and Naruto found that he was starting to recognize things there. He wasn't sure whether he liked that fact or not, but he couldn't ignore it. He noticed the green signs Shikamaru had told him to follow yesterday and remembered where he had gone. He saw and recognized the board where Sasuke had searched for the right bus when they were going to see his brother, and the shop where they had met that nasty Takuya guy. There was no Takuya guy in sight this day though; only a cute girl with long hair in a high pony tail like Ino used to have, only this girl's hair was red.

The station wasn't as crawling with people as it had been those other times Naruto had been there. It came with the Sunday morning, he assumed; had been in the streets and on the bus they had left too. The world wasn't empty, but it felt like it was. It felt strange with so much space in the city. Gaara knew his way around the buses much better than Sasuke had, there was no hesitation or stopping to check any boards.

Naruto's inside was swirling with emotions, all sorts of emotions that all seemed to contradict themselves, but... maybe because they were so many, too many; maybe because he had more important things to worry about and needed to focus... it felt like they weren't really there. They were swimming frantically underneath the surface of a lake while he himself was walking on the water. There was only that hole of biting worry as Naruto walked with his friends through the almost empty corridors of the station.

'_If I don't get to him soon, I think it will eat me.'_

The ease with which Gaara carried the man-sized case was... creepy. Naruto was curious and wanted to know what was inside, but also wanted it to never have shown up at all. Gaara had brought it. Naruto had never seen it before, but it was obvious. He had kept it behind his seat in the kitchen, on his shoulder or his back when they were walking, on the seat between him and the window on the bus. It was had to be heavy, but Gaara carried it like it was nothing; like he'd done it all his life.

It was just the three of them. Gaara, Naruto and Lee. Shikamaru had only come with them as far as to the hall of his apartment. He had done as much as he could for now, he had said. He would wait for them to return and have that sleepover. Lee and Gaara were invited too. Because of his involvement with his own gang, if Shikamaru were to come along, he would apparently stir up things he didn't want to stir up and only make things more difficult. He had both looked and sounded frustrated about it. Gaara had said that Shikamaru shouldn't worry. 'That's why we are here.'

Naruto had felt like, he supposed, a prince in a story about a kidnapped princess would feel if he had needed an escort to the dragon's tower. He had wondered if there was an actual part for him in this or if they just had him tag along because they had run out of drugs and didn't think they could convince him to stay behind (they would be right). It felt wrong in a way. Like he should have added some lines when he told Sasuke that he would bring him back. 'Oh, and I'll bring my personal army along so I don't get eaten by the dragon.' Very brave.

The bus heading towards Sasuke was blue and white and almost empty (like everything else). There was the driver and a kid sitting in the seat behind her, smiling and looking like he was mentally disabled in some way. He waved and shouted 'good evening!' when they stepped on and gave the driver their tickets. Naruto couldn't help but think of Sasuke and that first grade he said he had spent in the hospital. Naruto still wasn't sure it hadn't been a retard class. They took seats in the middle of the end section of the bus. Naruto by the window, Lee next to him and Gaara and the case in front of them.

The redhead hadn't been talking much. Not after they had left the apartment and not in the apartment. He'd only said what was necessary, nothing more. Gaara wasn't much of a talker usually either, but he talked more than this. He hadn't asked how the sex had gone, hadn't mentioned anything about it. Well, it was kind of obvious how it had gone, with the way things were now, but the Gaara from that stupid Thursday before the awful day before yesterday would have thrown himself all over it anyway; wouldn't spoil an opportunity to torment Naruto. It was a different mood to Gaara this day. More serious, colder, more distanced.

"You knew, huh?" Naruto leaned over and asked Lee as they waited for the bus to take off. "About... you know."

"Yes," Lee said and looked sorry. "I did. He asked me not to tell you."

"Since when?"

"A year back or so. I overheard him talking to Temari one evening and by the time they noticed me I had heard too much. He explained, even though he didn't want me to know."

"Okay," Naruto said. He glanced at the seat in front of them but if Gaara had heard, he didn't show it. He tried to think for a moment, even though his brain was still kind of messy, and gnawed at his lip. He didn't know what to say. What did you say?

The bus engine started and soon the vehicle was moving, into the daylight. Winter had arrived during the night and brought snow. The clouds had scattered already, but the air was cold enough that the sun made little difference. The ground was white.

"It... doesn't change anything," Lee said, as if he had searched for the right words for a long time before he had found them, really wanted to make it sound right. "It's still him, same old Gaara."

"Yeah," Naruto said, smiled weakly. "And same old Sasuke."

"Are you... okay? I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but..."

"I'm fine. Sort of. I mean..." Naruto sighed. "He's not though. He's not okay. I didn't think..."

Naruto realized that the last time he had seen his boyfriend, he had been wiping pale pleasure (though how much pleasure had it been?) from his stomach, tossed a used condom in the trash, cuddled close and said he would try harder next time. And 'I love you.'

He found he was embarrassed. It felt like ages and lifetimes ago. He had been such a clueless idiot that time, in that life. Such a child. He had known nothing, seen nothing, understood nothing. He could have stopped this from happening if he had been a little smarter, a little more aware. They would all be home and no one would need an escort to be safe from the dragon. It felt like he had grown several hundred years since that evening one day and two nights ago.

It made him nervous about seeing Sasuke again. What would he say? 'I'm sorry I was such a child'? Would Sasuke be angry? Because Naruto had been a child and lured him into doing things without knowing anything? Why hadn't there been anything about this in that book?

'Caution:' it could have said, in a little square box at the end of one page. 'Sex is not a plaything. Be careful with your partner and make sure you are both ready and without doubts. Watch your partner closely and if anything seems to be wrong, stop. Try again in the morning. Or when you're older.'

Naruto hadn't known that he was such a child. He remembered what Iruka had said.

"It might look bad today," Lee said, again as if he'd been thinking for a long time before speaking. "But you know, I still think it will be okay. I've told you before, haven't I? You have a way with people, and you're a good guy. He could wish for no better boyfriend."

First Naruto's eyes blurred and stung and he had to squeeze them shut. Lee was always so... He didn't know what a child Naruto had been and how much he had screwed up by not seeing what he should have seen. But... eventually Naruto had to obey the pulling at the corners of his lips and the stirring of 'really...?' in his heart.

"What?" he said. "You're saying I'm like... his medicine?"

Lee hummed for a moment before answering.

"Yes. You are."

And even though it was really stupid and mushy and Sasuke would have groaned and rolled his eyes, Naruto did feel better.

-

The world passing by outside the window did not get dirtier and slummier and more gang like the further the bus went, as Naruto had assumed it would. Quite the opposite really. The buildings got fancier and taller, the streets cleaner and the few people that was out this early fancier. He thought for a moment that maybe it would pass, that they would drive through this cool district and come to the real gang parts, but then Gaara pushed the button next to their seat and the 'stopping' sign in the front of the bus lit up.

"Here?" Naruto leaned over and whispered, in his surprise forgetting that Gaara was different today.

"Yes," Gaara said and he didn't sound that different. "Follow me closely. Don't stop and don't fall behind."

When the bus slowed down and stopped next to what looked like a mall for rich people, they stood up, Gaara heaving the case onto his back again, and got off. He seemed to know where they were going. Naruto felt his stomach get fluttery with nervousness. Were they in the 'you could get killed at any moment' zone yet? It didn't seem like it. This place didn't look much different from the places where Iruka had taken Naruto to the city for shopping now and then, on special occasions. It was just a normal street with normal shops, only a bit fancier. Naruto had found his coolest robots in places like this; the now deceased Vulpes Automaton 3000, Space Mission version (these days called the Sasuke robot) for example.

When Gaara left the street for an alley, Naruto's worry that maybe this whole gang thing had just been a really bad joke disappeared. This was more like it. While this alley here seemed to be pretty clean and not very slummy (no burning trash cans and newspapers; the morning light made it seem pretty cozy actually, doves could be heard), it was still an alley and alleys were gang territory. At least according to Iruka's horror stories.

They turned once, twice, and in the middle of the third alley, Gaara stopped and turned. His eyes were narrower than normal.

"We're unnoticed so far," he said. "When we get in, follow me. Don't look at anyone, don't talk to anyone, don't stop unless I do and don't fall behind."

There was a short pause and Naruto took that as his cue to nod and say 'okay'. Lee said 'yes' the same way Naruto had heard him say it during practice. It was his serious tone. Nervousness swirled.

"When we reach the top floor we need to locate Sasuke," Gaara continued. "If we're lucky he will talk the Sound into letting us leave again and if he can't or won't, I will get us out. If it comes to that, stay close to me, no matter what happens. Naruto?"

"Ah, yes?" Naruto swallowed. His heart was beating. It was too unreal. Too damn unreal. The Sound. That was the gang Sasuke was with. He knew that. He had heard it in Shikamaru's kitchen.

"If your boyfriend decides he'd rather stay there, do you still want to bring him back with us?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation and afterwards Naruto feel a little more focused and a little less scared. There was a reason for all this. Naruto had said he would get Sasuke back, so he would. He had never said anything about 'if you want me to'.

"Very well," Gaara said. "Then don't argue when I sedate him. Lee, you will carry him. I will need my hands free."

"Of course."

"Thank you. That's it. Let's go."

Gaara turned around and then he was moving again. Quick determined steps that said he wanted this over with. Lee put a hand on Naruto's shoulder and said 'it will be fine'. Naruto wanted it over with too.

-

It had been a long time since Naruto saw Gaara fight seriously. It had been a long time since he saw Lee fight seriously too, but Gaara... Gaara was different. You didn't want to see Gaara fight at all.

Naruto had always been impressed by Lee's fighting. Even though he wasn't over-muscled or anything like that, he was strong and it showed. Because of that some guys figured he was slow, strong, but slow. The ones thinking that were always quickly brought back to reality however. 'Quickly' being the keyword, because Lee was speed incarnate. He was like a flurry of enthusiastic violence. He liked to show-off.

Lee was faster than Gaara; he was. Not because Gaara was slow, but because Lee was so fast. For some reason though, it didn't matter. Where Lee was fast and enthusiastic, Gaara was precise and lethal. Gaara seemed to always know. He knew where his opponent was and he knew where to strike to do damage. There was a reason behind everything he did. It was like he had already seen the fight a thousand times before and knew exactly when he should be where. If Lee was a flurry, Gaara was a current; a current of cruel and precise pain. If Gaara had been the kind to show off, his show would have been stomach-turning.

There had been four typical 'we're in a gang' like guys (smoking, tattoos, messy clothes and hair styles) sitting around the steps leading up to the door. They had had the badass gang attitude. They had also barely figured out that their opponents were serious before they were lying unconscious on the ground. At least Naruto hoped they were just unconscious. He didn't have time to ask or check or do anything really, because Gaara opened the door and went inside.

The inside of the building was fancy in a 'white rather than gold, clean rather than curled details' kind of way. Iruka would have probably really liked it, ironically. He was a fan of cleaned up, stripped down and modern interior design. He had never made a real effort to turn their house into something like that (fortunately; Naruto preferred normal to 'naked', as he called it), but always took a liking to those homes on TV.

Naruto guessed that if they were to move through the more official parts, not just the backdoor stairs, the place would be even cooler. But what Naruto saw most of Sasuke's "little" hideout (wasn't this an upgrade from a shelter for bikes, by the way?) was the stairs. He had seen the place from the outside and assumed that it would be a pretty tough climb, but... seriously!

The only good thing about it was that it helped Naruto take his mind off the steadily increasing nervousness about seeing Sasuke again. He still hadn't decided what he wanted to say. Should he go for the 'sorry for being such a child'? Maybe he could improvise with what Lee had said before and say something like 'your medicine has arrived'? Or maybe not. It would be a nicer reunion if Gaara didn't have to sedate Sasuke before ten seconds had passed, and while the guy loved exercise and getting down the stairs would probably be slightly easier than getting up had been, Naruto was pretty sure Lee would prefer it too.

When Gaara finally left the stairs and found them an elevator, Naruto's lungs were ready to flee from his body, along with his heart and his legs, and he could have kissed whoever invented the elevator. There had been nothing leisured about Gaara's pace, despite the burden on his back and judging from the numbers above the elevator door they hadn't come halfway.

The design on this floor followed the same pattern as what Naruto had seen on the first floor; clean and white. It seemed to be an archive of some sort, at least where they were at. Completely deserted.

Except for the actual climbing, the climb hadn't been nearly as much trouble as Naruto had assumed it would be, with how much fuss there had been from everyone. If the first guys outside the building didn't count, they had met almost no one. There had been man in a suit on the first floor just before they reached the stairs and a cleaning lady somewhere in the middle of their climb, but no one else. Maybe it was that whole Sunday thing.

Sasuke seemed to have picked a good day to run away on. Or maybe they had just picked a good day for a rescue. It was a bit frustrating though. If there was going to be nothing more than this, Naruto could have done it on his own; if he had managed to get past the first guards. No need to involve Lee and Gaara and his ominous oversized backpack.

Without the usual 'ping', the elevator slid open and let them come in. Naruto slumped down on the floor, knees pulled up and arms resting on them, eyes closed.

"I thought you guys said this would be difficult," he huffed.

"The climb was never the biggest problem," Gaara said. "Getting to Sasuke is. And getting out again."

Naruto opened his eyes. The elevator floor was cold.

"It will be fine," Lee said.

The top floor were decorated (or not decorated) like the first and middle floors had been, only this looked much fancier for some reason. The corridor had a darkness about it, even though there were windows and daylight. It was quiet. Their footsteps echoed.

There were a few doors, but one were bigger than the rest. There was no doorbell beside it and no sign with a last name, but Gaara stopped outside it.

"They know we're here now," he said softly. "This floor is closely watched."

Naruto swallowed. His heart was pounding again, hard. He had forgotten that he didn't know what to say. A strange feeling had formed inside his chest and made it feel like... like Sasuke wasn't here. Sasuke wasn't here, but he wasn't anywhere else either. It was like he had never been at all. If Naruto turned around and went home now, that house where Sasuke and Kakashi were supposed to live would be still for sale and there would be no used condom in Naruto's trashcan. It was like during the time Sasuke had been away, he had grown out of reach. He had grown into an unreachable thing that was a fantasy. There was no real Sasuke.

But Gaara knocked on the door.

It took many heartbeats before it opened and Naruto thought that each and every one of them would kill him.

A tall man had opened the door. At least Naruto thought it was a man. He looked kind of girly. It could be the hair. There was something... scary about him, though if someone asked Naruto what it was that made the man scary, he wouldn't be able to explain. The girly man looked surprised at first. Then he looked amused. His smile was scary; so much that it almost wasn't a smile at all. He looked at Gaara for a long time before his eyes moved to Lee and Naruto. They didn't stay away from the redhead very long though.

"Gaara of the Sand," the man said and for some reason his voice reminded Naruto of the Hag. He didn't look that old, but maybe he was. "I haven't seen you since the funeral."

It was quiet for a moment. What funeral? Gaara said nothing. Eventually the man's smile faded.

"I assume you're responsible for the headaches downstairs."

"Only two of them," Gaara said.

"Really?" the man raised a brow and his eyes swept over Lee and Naruto again. He had weird eyes, like there was some 'possible with contacts only' effect to them. He looked interested for a moment, then seemed to grow bored.

"Tell me why you're here then," the man said and sighed. "Surely you didn't come just to stand here and wait for my men come and execute you for trespassing."

"I've got a bomb," Gaara said.

Naruto's eyes snapped away from the tall girly man at that.

"You've got a what?" he hissed.

There had been nothing in the hall tactics discussion about a bomb. It was important enough that it should have been mentioned in the tactics discussion, right? How the hell could a bomb be useful? What happened to getting to Sasuke and have him do the diplomacy thing? Though... really, what kind of a diplomat would Sasuke make? Who had come up with that plan and how much sleep had he had before coming up with it? And why hadn't Naruto thought of this before? He should have thought of it the moment someone (who had it been?) mentioned Sasuke and diplomacy in the same sentence.

Did Gaara really have a bomb? It couldn't be... Okay, so Naruto knew nothing about bombs in real life, but in the movies a bomb the size of a normal suitcase could take out a whole lot of things. A bomb the size of that thing on Gaara's back... Naruto did not want to think about it. Someone needed to wake him up pretty damn soon. Preferably Sasuke, with a kiss.

"A bomb," Gaara replied.

'Stop saying it!' Naruto's mind screamed.

"Vengeance?" the girly man said. He sounded more annoyed than scared, like Gaara was a fly that had landed in his glass of expensive wine. Yeah, he seemed like a wine guy. "Did you suddenly develop a heart and a need to pay me back for your father?"

What about Gaara's father? Gaara's father was... Naruto's eyes widened and his eyes moved back to the man in the doorway. No way...

"It's not about my heart," Gaara said.

Then Naruto felt his collar get grabbed and his body pulled closer to Gaara's, placed in front of Gaara; like a shield between him and the girly man. Naruto swallowed. He felt warmth radiate from Gaara's body and for a moment the man in front of them looked amused. Until Gaara finished.

"It's about Uchiha Sasuke's."

The amusement dissolved and Naruto found himself run through by eyes that surely could kill. Not hastily run through though; slowly, surely, no need to rush and have it over with. How long the moment lasted couldn't be said.

"This is the boyfriend," the voice rasped at Naruto's mind like a knife against bones. Not a question. Then the mouth spread in a smile again. Would there be nightmares about that smile?

"A bomb indeed," the man said and chuckled. "Unfortunately, I must say, it will be useless. Sasuke-kun left earlier this morning."

But it was a lie.

"He said he had to go home."

It had to be a lie. Naruto supposed that was what repeated in his head when he screamed Sasuke's name.

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	60. Thank you

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 6th 2007, Friday  
second version: December 19th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**60: Thank you**

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The fourth time Sasuke woke up in Orochimaru's apartment he woke up in the bed again. It was a considerably more comfortable experience than the third time, the bathroom floor, and not just because beds were more comfortable than bathroom floors; his headache was gone (how many pills had he taken during his time here now anyway? It had been like he'd had an almost constant headache), his eyes felt a bit more normal and he was undressed (sleeping in clothes almost always sucked).

It was nothing that woke him up really, at least nothing that he could put words to. Not music, not footsteps, not a voice, not an annoying stream of light in his face. Sasuke rolled onto his back and fabrics rustled around him. The room was not dark, but darker than it should be. Though he supposed he could have been out long enough that the morning had become evening. Someone must have... He shifted his head backwards and to the side and looked... Yeah, someone had pulled the curtains over the windows to keep the day out. Orochimaru no doubt. He must have gone in after Sasuke had fallen asleep.

Sasuke took some time to listen and found the apartment silent. No bustling outside the room of annoyed, hung over people cleaning up their mess. Maybe they had already done it. What time could it be? Time was hiding behind the curtains.

Despite his sudden desperation to go home, Sasuke had ended up agreeing to stay a bit longer. Or rather, he had been more or less forced to agree to stay a bit longer. Orochimaru had said he'd rather lock the place down than let Sasuke leave without some real sleep and a meal. 'I will give you a ride when you're respectable,' he had said. 'Before you are, you stay here.'

For a second or two, Sasuke had been panicking and angry and felt like saying something childish like 'you're not my mother!' or something. Then his brain had caught up with him and he'd realized who he was and why being childish was out of the question. Begging might have been effective, but he didn't want to reduce himself to that either.

He hadn't had any good arguments. 'I have to go back now or maybe he won't want me anymore'? Yeah, like that would make Orochimaru feel like hurrying things up. If there was more truth than untruth to Kakashi's rants, and Sasuke was sure that there was, the man would have the gang throw another party if Naruto were to not want Sasuke anymore.

Besides, it was a really bad argument. While it felt urgent to get home as quickly as possible, it was probably just how it felt. A few more hours shouldn't make a difference, should it? If Sasuke's actions this weekend would screw things up, things would already be screwed up. 'But I really hurried home! ...After one and a half day of sleeping and partying...' was not a convincing 'I tried to fix it' story.

And... And Sasuke supposed that he had been nervous. He was still nervous. He wanted to go back home, but the thought of facing Naruto again made his stomach twist around itself. He didn't know what face to wear, who to be or what to say. What should he say when he came back? What could he say? The truth? But what was the truth? 'I just needed some time away from you.' Was that the truth?

He was scared that he'd already destroyed things and would come home to a door that was locked. Scared that he would go back and find that the skin, the life that he had left behind had already shriveled up and vanished. It felt like he'd been gone for years.

Sasuke found the dark clothes where he had left them before he went to bed and was reminded of Naruto as his body shifted when he dressed; not as much as yesterday but it was there. He had to remember to bring back the clothes he had come in when he left. He'd slept, now he would have that meal and then he was going home. Yes, he was still nervous and didn't know what to say, but maybe he wasn't supposed to. The door leading out of the room opened without a sound. The corridor outside was brighter than the room but still fairly dark. It had to be still morning or already evening. Hopefully morning.

Sasuke was halfway to the bathroom when Naruto screaming his name stopped his feet in the middle of a step. He froze and his heart stopped. The unexpectedness and unreality of that voice in this place froze Sasuke for seconds (or maybe no time at all) and his brain worked frantically. Thousands of visions of how Naruto could have ended up here rushed through his mind; thousands of means and reasons and it rushed so quickly, raced through his consciousness like repeated strikes of lightning. Naruto wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to be home, couldn't be here. The distance between here and his house was too great and he didn't know the way. He didn't know the right people. Sasuke had made it here but Naruto couldn't. The people in this building would never let him come this far and it made no sense.

But eventually his mind stopped racing. It found one thing that mattered, unless it was all a dream but it was too real for that.

'_He came to get me back.'_

'_He wants to have me back.'_

Sasuke felt separated from his body as he turned and walked fast (it wasn't a run, was it?) toward the door leading out, toward the voice that had called him; like he watched himself and it seemed to happen much slower that it did.

Maybe Naruto didn't want him back at all. The blond was stubborn; maybe he had just been so angry. But it didn't matter. Sasuke just wanted to see him. He just wanted to...

Sasuke saw Orochimaru's back as the man stood in the doorway and stopped. The door was opened, light streaming in from the corridor outside. Sasuke saw the man turn his head and glance at him and there was disappointment in his eyes, possibly, and something that could be likened to a sigh was heard. Orochimaru shifted his gaze back to the corridor.

"At least," the man said. "I wish that was true."

Sasuke moved again, forward, and didn't stop until he saw blue eyes and messy, blond hair and that face that wore an expression that Sasuke didn't think he'd ever seen before. Not on him. Pain, fear, surprise, relief and anger at the same time and Sasuke felt strangely devoid of emotions and swirling with them at the same time. He'd lost his voice but it didn't matter because there was nothing to say.

'_I missed you.'_

He found he couldn't hear but Naruto didn't speak so he didn't care.

'_I missed who I am in your company.'_

He'd forgotten how to move, but there was no place he wanted to go.

"Boom," Gaara said.

It wasn't until he spoke that Sasuke noticed that they were there. Gaara and Lee. He must have taken notice of them somewhere in his brain, but... it wasn't until Gaara spoke that they really existed. Sasuke found himself sort of waking up, snapping out of it, and he could see that Naruto did the same. They had to look away, look this way and that; like they didn't know quite what to do with themselves. Sasuke worried that he looked kind of like those girls that claimed they were in love with him. Cheesy. Stupid and cheesy and... Sasuke swallowed.

"Hey," he said and hated that his voice was so weak and that he had chosen such a simple and obvious word.

"Hi," Naruto said. It seemed stronger, didn't it? His voice seemed stronger than Sasuke's had been.

The place fell silent again. Silent and awkward and where was this going? What happened now? Sasuke didn't have any experience with cheesy, stupid situations like this. His insides were warm. His palms not as dry as they were supposed to be. He remembered what they had been doing last time they were together and couldn't quite make himself look the blond in the eyes again. He had to pull himself together, this was pathetic.

"We're going home."

The strength and determination in Naruto's voice made Sasuke forget that he couldn't make himself look. He raised his gaze and met those blue eyes and found his heart beating hard, a wave of even warmer warmth spreading through him. The lost kind of awkwardness in Naruto's face, eyes and stance, from just a moment ago, was gone. He had grown taller, stretched. The other expression, the one that said 'you hurt me', 'you scared me', 'I thought you wouldn't be here', 'you're really here' and 'don't ever do that again', was there as well, but it was hiding underneath. Underneath the resolve. Underneath the 'I dare you to disagree with me now'.

It was frighteningly forceful, the resolve, and pulled Sasuke in like he was a child and Naruto was something he wasn't allowed to do. It was like that time on the floor; when Naruto had straddled Sasuke's hips and said 'I want to make out.' He had held his hand to Sasuke's cheek and said 'I'm in love with you. Haven't I told you?' and 'you're going to have to get violent if you want me off.'

It was like Naruto said that all over again.

'_You're going to have to get violent if you want me off.'_

"What happens to assassins that are found trespassing here, Sasuke?"

There was amusement in Orochimaru's voice when it pulled Sasuke back to the apartment and the corridor and this meeting between people that should not meet. Amusement in his eyes when Sasuke spun around to face him.

"He's not an assassin," he snapped, in annoyance and fear and hurry because he did know what happened to trespassing assassins.

"No," Gaara said. "But I am."

Sasuke turned around again at that but found that what pulled his attention in the end was not Gaara, standing behind the blond incarnation of the sun; it was Naruto and the look of... what Sasuke suspected everyone would wear if they just found out one of their friends used to murder people for a living. Sasuke had already known about Gaara of the Sand; had heard enough stories, but Naruto hadn't. At least not that time before Sasuke passed out in Naruto's arms. How much had he been told before they came here? Not this much. Not enough.

Sasuke found himself angry. Angry at Gaara and Lee and himself and who ever more had to be in this... Shikamaru had to be in this. Shikamaru had given Naruto his number, right? Shikamaru was stupid and paranoid enough when it came to Orochimaru and the Sound that he should have put together something like this. Maybe even Neji had... Fuck, had Naruto met Neji?

Sasuke was angry because Naruto had been involved in this stupid, silly and dangerous business that were people banding together and playing secret club and killing each other; adults and teenagers and children and old guys, but Naruto should not be a part of it. Sasuke regretted having come here. He should have known that the blond would find a way to follow and that he would be dragged into this world where he didn't belong.

But as Sasuke watched and berated himself, he found the resolve returning to Naruto's features. His fists clenching again.

"What does that mean?" Naruto said and his voice was hard, like in the end that new knowledge had changed nothing; and maybe it hadn't.

"It means he won't let me walk out of here unless he's got a good reason," Gaara explained.

"You can come and go as you please, Sasuke," Orochimaru said. "That has not changed. I'll even be kind enough to have boyfriend and the other treated as any unassociated trespasser would be, despite coming in such bad company and manner. After all, I can understand very well the urgency a boyfriend would feel if you were lost from his side."

It was the way Orochimaru said it, more than what. Some could have dismissed it, but Sasuke saw flinch in Naruto. He hoped the guy had enough sense to keep himself in check this time and not do anything stupid like what he'd tried with Takuya that time at the station. Sasuke did not want this to get any worse than it already was.

"Gaara is different," he said before Orochimaru could.

"Yes," the man said. "He is. How many of mine did you do before you left, Gaara of the Sand?"

"Sorry. I've lost count."

"So have I."

Sasuke saw Naruto roll his eyes and spoke quickly, before the blond could express his rising frustration, anger, whatever. Sasuke knew what Orochimaru was after.

"You remember that offer you made me last time I came to the store?" he said and watched as the forehead under Naruto's hair wrinkled in a frown and his expression changed. "The one I said couldn't accept."

"Yes?" Orochimaru sounded as pleased as he should be. This had been a win-win situation for the man from the start. Sasuke turned his head then and found the evil-looking smile he had expected. Kakashi would kill him. Seriously.

"I could reconsider."

-

A short while later, Sasuke went for that visit to the bathroom he had planned before Naruto's presence had been drawn to his attention. When he came back Orochimaru had produced the clothes Sasuke had arrived in, neatly folded in a plastic bag, but insisted that Sasuke keep the dark clothes he wore, it was a gift. Sasuke accepted because it would have them on their way faster.

Before they left the apartment Orochimaru made a phone call and told the guards downstairs that the party of four coming down, led by Sasuke, was to be left alone. He also told Sasuke to call later so that they could work out the details for the agreement they had come to.

Naruto was angry. He wasn't looking at Sasuke or saying anything to him. He spoke with his body though. He was facing the doors with little air between it and his nose while Sasuke leaned against the opposite wall; Gaara and Lee were between them. In normal cases, Sasuke would have said that Naruto was overreacting, but he couldn't do that this time. There were many things Naruto was allowed to be angry at Sasuke for at the moment.

That deal with Orochimaru was just a job at the store for summer next year and some weekends. Nothing sinister or perverted or anything like that. Just a job. No, that wasn't true. It was not just a job, it was **the** job. Sasuke knew plenty of guys that would pay their own salary if they got to work at Legion. The main reason he hadn't accepted the offer before was the long way he'd have to travel to get there now that he didn't live in the city. Orochimaru had offered to let Sasuke stay at the apartment over the summer and in the weekends when he was working, but there had also been the fact that working at Legion would attach Sasuke even more to the Sound faction and it might complicate his friendship with Shikamaru and others of the Leaf. Oh, and Kakashi would kill him.

Of course, even though it was just a job, Orochimaru had made it seem terribly dirty with his pleased smile and choice of words. You didn't need much imagination to get it and with how oversensitive Naruto's brain was when someone flirted with Sasuke, it must have sounded seriously R-rated. But that was the point, wasn't it? The man had wanted to get some punches in on the boyfriend. 'You won the battle, but the war is still going,' or something like that.

'The war is still going'? Sasuke's mind repeated in disbelief. 'What damned war? Since when is there a war between Orochimaru and Naruto?' He put a hand over his eyes and let out a soft breath, almost a sigh but not really. Maybe he had left his brain and reason in Naruto's pants. Still, war or no war, there hadn't been anything Sasuke could have done really. Well, technically he could have; but it would have been a bad idea. The whole 'don't piss people off if they are capable of and willing to kill you' thing. Or in this case 'capable of and willing to kill your boyfriend and his friends'. Orochimaru had been generous though; very generous. If that had been a normal faction trespassing, Gaara should have been dead now; or at least fighting his way out with those weapons he no doubt carried in that case that Sasuke remembered having heard stories of. But Orochimaru hadn't cared about Gaara or trespassing rules, he had just wanted to take advantage of the circumstances. Sasuke was lucky he had gotten away with just working at the store. He didn't want to think about other potential offers that the man would have happily accepted. Why Sasuke had decided to come here again? Oh, yeah... He wasn't afraid to get hurt. Right. In some world that probably made sense.

The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Naruto walked out, determined steps, followed by Lee and Gaara and then Sasuke. The man behind the reception desk in the lobby looked up, met Sasuke's eyes and nodded. Then Sasuke almost walked into the case on Gaara's back because the redhead had suddenly stopped. They had all suddenly stopped.

"Go back to the apartment," Naruto said and snapped around to burrow his eyes into Sasuke for the first time since Sasuke had said he could reconsider. "We'll be back later."

"Alright," Lee said.

"Don't get killed," Gaara said.

Naruto came forward with determined strides and for a second Sasuke wanted to take a step back; then he realized what he was thinking and stayed where he was.

"Come on," Naruto said and grabbed the sleeve of Sasuke's shirt. Avoiding the skin, he pulled Sasuke around and walked back in the direction they had come from.

"Where are you going?" Sasuke asked, but there was no answer. A stubborn and proud part of him wanted to protest at being dragged around by the sleeve but the bigger part felt he deserved it. A whole different part of him was run through by a shiver; one of the... good ones, because this was the determined, cool Naruto and Sasuke had always been soft for him.

The doors had closed but the elevator was still waiting at the first floor and thus opened immediately when Naruto punched the button.

"You're going back up there again?" Sasuke asked, but followed the blond into the elevator.

Naruto's answer was a wordless snarl, a punch at a button on the inside (seemingly at random) and dropping Sasuke's sleeve. The doors closed and the elevator started moving. Sasuke gave up asking and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall as he had done before. Naruto stood facing the doors again, showing his back and neck and his messy, blond hair. The same as before, only this they were alone.

For some... fucked up reason, Sasuke felt younger than he had felt before this damned, confusing failure of a weekend. Like he'd lost three or four years of his life, or at least his mindset. At the same time as he felt like he'd gained three or four years. Or forty. It was confusing.

It was still there, that realization he had come to in Orochimaru's guest room. The realization that Naruto was... That Sasuke was lucky to have met this guy and been given the chance to... to be with him. Even if Naruto didn't want him anymore, Sasuke was lucky.

'Thank you,' he could say, couldn't he? It didn't have to be any more complicated than that. At least not to begin with. Just... thank you. The rest could wander on from there, as dialogues tended to wander.

Before Sasuke could decide whether he was brave enough to break the humming almost silence of the elevator with that uncomplicated 'thank you', Naruto punched the stop button and spun around as the sudden stop messed with Sasuke's balance. Fortunately the wall was there to steady him.

"How old is that freaky man anyway?" the blond exclaimed, as if they had been talking about something before, not just said 'hey' and 'hi' and 'we're going home'. "He's got to be older than Iruka and Kakashi. How can he just talk to you like that? It's weird!"

Sasuke opened his mouth, and closed it again. Naruto was almost panting in... anger, jealously, frustration; who knew? His fists were firmly clenched and held at his sides, his face wrinkled up in that same emotion that Sasuke found it hard to identify. His blue eyes were swirling with it as well.

'_You left me!' _

Then hurt was starting to float in, mix with that unidentified feeling; for a moment the hurt threatened to eat up everything else. The hands softened.

'_You left me...'_

But they tightened again and the hurt was shoved away.

"How old?" Naruto repeated; his eyes narrowed.

"I don't know," Sasuke said. Looked away and back. That was worry slithering around in his stomach, wasn't it? "I don't know how old he is."

"Does he always hit on you like that?" the guy raised a brow.

Sasuke wanted to snort and say 'no', but he didn't feel like lying. It hadn't felt serious before, Orochimaru's flirting, if you could call it that; didn't feel serious now either but... but well, Sasuke would be an idiot and a liar if he said he didn't think it was flirting, or hitting on him.

"I suppose," he said.

Naruto produced mix between a disappointed sigh and a snarl. An uncomfortable silence followed, until the blond spoke again.

"You know," he muttered. "You're too used to people hitting on you."

"I just...!" Sasuke started in defense, but then his voice failed and he couldn't find his way back to the words. He hadn't thought about it like that. It felt absurd and absolutely right at the same time.

"You have always been the most popular guy, haven't you?" Naruto said.

It didn't feel like a real question so Sasuke didn't bother answering. Besides, 'yeah' would sound a bit conceited, wouldn't it? He wondered what this had to do with anything. Naruto didn't sound as angry and frustrated anymore. More tired.

"I always thought I'd end up dating some normal, cute girl," Naruto sighed. "Not popular and not an outcast. Not super-beautiful but not ugly either. She'd be really nice, and smart. She'd get along great with Iruka and with Lee and Gaara. She'd be a little scared of Gaara at first, but then she'd see that he's a great guy really. You know, Sakura-chan? In our class? I had a crush on her for a long time. I thought she would warm up to me eventually and we'd go out."

"Sorry," Sasuke muttered. Tightened the knot that was his arms over his chest and looked at the door. "I would have resisted your advances a little more if I had known."

"Resisted a little more?" Naruto snorted. "You resisted plenty. If you had resisted a little more you would have seriously hurt someone. Me, if you want details."

"Apparently I didn't do something enough."

Naruto sighed.

"You're such a damned idiot, Sasuke."

Yes. Those realizations from the earlier morning were still there. Were all those girls brain damaged, to think he was so amazing?

Naruto came closer. Sasuke wanted to back away but there was no place to go. Maybe it was better if he just broke up himself. A hand found its way to Sasuke's arm and the flinch couldn't be helped. The warmth spread to him through the fabric of the dark shirt and all the way to his heart. Naruto's voice was soft all of a sudden. Soft and low and gentle.

"You think I would have chased after you for all that time if what I really wanted was a nice girl that would get along with Iruka?"

Sasuke was still watching the door; like it was his life boat, like he would drown if he didn't hold on to it. Naruto's hand was too warm. Sasuke had to be a very cold person.

"You think I would have done those things with you if I didn't really like you?"

Sasuke found his lips opening a little; his cheeks growing warm and his heart beating hard. His stomach was visited by a swirl of warmth as he remembered. The kisses, the touching, the... He swallowed. You couldn't physically get closer to a person than that, could you?

'_This guy has been on the inside of me.'_

Like a temporary implant. Sasuke hadn't thought of it like that before.

"I just wanted to say that sometimes stuff happens even though we haven't planned for them to happen," Naruto said, almost whispered. "Iruka told me once that the best things that happen to us come as surprises. They might seem like really frustrating surprises at first, but... but then, before we know it, they will become the most precious things to us."

Naruto gave a small, soft laugh.

"Silly, huh? That Iruka said that. When he plans everything."

Sasuke dared to let go of the door and shift his gaze. He dared to meet those eyes that were too blue and watched him like he was worth so much more than he should be. He, who was fucked up, too used to flirting, unstable and unfair.

"I'm not sad that I fell in love with you," Naruto said.

"I'll hurt you again," Sasuke couldn't raise his voice above a whisper. He was useless, couldn't even find good words. Why would he say that? Did he want to get dumped? But Naruto smiled.

"I can handle it."

"You don't know that."

'_Stupid, useless, fucked up. You can't talk, Uchiha! Just stop talking!'_

"Sure I do," Naruto said.

His hand put more pressure on Sasuke's arm and he raised his other to untangle the knot of arms over Sasuke's chest. The plastic bag with clothes fell to the floor with a rustle. Naruto didn't stop smiling. It wasn't the usual, confident and free of worry smile. This one was more subdued and more relieved than happy.

Naruto ran his hands up Sasuke's arms and pressed closer. Resting his face close to Sasuke's throat and holding onto his shoulders. He was so warm, and there was the smell of him, and his breath.

"I'm not letting you go," Naruto whispered.

Knee-weakening. Heart-racing. Warming.

Sasuke found his eyes closing and two drops of wetness escaping. He found his hands lifting, shaking and palms sweating but lifting. He moved closer to him, to the boyfriend. The smell was making him dizzy. His hands made nests pressed to Naruto's lower back. Sasuke's head made a nest pressed to Naruto's shoulder. And they stayed together like that for a long time.

Sasuke must have fallen asleep because when Naruto said his name it felt like he woke up. How he could have fallen asleep standing in an elevator was a mystery; or maybe just the result of a night spent on a bathroom floor, and the tension running away. Was that drool on the shoulder next to his mouth?

"What?" he mumbled; hoped it didn't sound like he had been doing what he thought he had been doing.

"Did you fall asleep?"

"No," Sasuke snorted. Maybe the reason the reply came so easy was it wasn't a lie. He blinked and tried not to yawn.

Naruto giggled softly and they were close enough to each other that the sound could be felt as well as heard.

"Okay," he said. His hands shifted a little on Sasuke's shoulders. "That little thing up there in the corner?"

"What thing?" Sasuke frowned.

Naruto backed away from the wall and brought Sasuke with him, then he turned them around.

"That thing up there," he said. "Is that a surveillance camera?"

"Uh, yeah," Sasuke said. "I think so."

Damn. Damn because of what they had already done (not that it was much) and damn because of that tone in Naruto's voice. More damn because of the latter. Sasuke was afraid to ask, but did anyway.

"Why?"

Naruto snickered.

"I just want to show that freaky old man who's the boyfriend and who's just a freaky old man."

"Naruto..." Sasuke warned, but before he could get to the point his boyfriend had spun them around again; pulled his head back as much as was needed and pressed his lips to block the rest of Sasuke's words.

It was a fierce kiss; like 'can you feel how much I missed you?' The lips were hard and the tongue was ravishing and everywhere. 'Can you feel how much you scared me?' Sasuke answered, lips and tongue, but felt weak in comparison. Maybe because the answer to both those questions was 'yes'.

Naruto's hands on Sasuke's shoulders wandered, down his arms, to his back, further down. They stopped at his ass and trailed with fingers first, then cupped and squeezed; quite hard. They pulled Sasuke closer.

Sasuke had never thought being touched like that could make one feel so picked up from the floor and put back together. Sasuke didn't stop the sound forming in his throat and a smile was formed against his lips. He lifted his hands from Naruto's lower back and held onto his face instead, kissed more and leaned closer. He tasted the inside of his boyfriend's mouth and felt the hands and the body pressed to his. He felt safe and warm and together and falling apart all over again.

'_Thank you.'_

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	61. He is perfect

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 13th 2007, Friday  
second version: December 23rd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**61: He is perfect**

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"You know what I just realized?" Naruto said as they walked over a bridge crossing the river, toward the center of the city.

"What?"

"I've never been on a real date."

Sasuke looked at the blond beside him. The blond looked in the direction they were going. It was cold, but nice cold; the city was covered with a thin layer of snow. They had chosen to walk instead of taking the bus, at least for awhile. Naruto had wanted to walk off some stress and Sasuke had wanted to walk off some sleep. For a long while they had walked without saying anything and Sasuke had worried that Naruto would never break the silence.

"The closest I've gotten was with a girl in third grade," Naruto continued. He was fiddling with his nails. Then he seemed to notice and raised his eyes; looked at the sky. He smiled in an almost happy way, put his hands at the back of his neck and seemed to grow taller.

"We went behind the school at lunch break one day and looked for four-leaf clovers. She had heard somewhere that if you found a four-leaf clover with someone you liked, it was extra lucky."

Naruto lowered his eyes and shrunk again.

"We never found any though. When we came back, a bunch of guys made fun of us. 'Oh, you did it in the bushes, didn't you?' they said."

He was fiddling again.

"She didn't want to hang out with me anymore after that. I wasn't dumped or anything, because we'd never really dated, but... We didn't do any more things together after that."

Then he looked at Sasuke, and his almost sad smile became a little happier. Or so it seemed.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" he asked and was squinting because of the sun. His hair looked brighter than usual.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't care," Naruto threw out his arms. "Any place is okay. I just want to do it with you."

Sasuke's heart thumped at the words, even though Naruto hadn't meant it like that. Then Naruto seemed to realize what had been said as well, blushed and looked away.

"Ah, I mean... N-not **that** kind of 'do it', just... Y-you get it!"

"Yeah," Sasuke said, looked away and hoped that his cheeks didn't look as red as they felt. Naruto hadn't meant it that way. They both knew that. Sasuke kicked himself for being a hormonal idiot.

"So do you?" Naruto cleared his throat and said. "Want to go on a date with me?"

"Sure," Sasuke said. A small slice of his lower lip had found its way between his teeth and he let go of it. "Yeah. Just... We should let... Gaara and Lee know, shouldn't we?"

"Oh, yeah!" Naruto exclaimed as if he had just remembered. "And Shikamaru! Gaara and Lee are at his apartment, he was the one who figured out where you were. I... I really wouldn't have known what to do if it weren't for him. He really... helped me out."

Sasuke could hear his heart beating again. Naruto didn't look at him. The plastic bag with clothes made a rustling sound against Sasuke's legs with every step.

This would be a good moment, wouldn't it? For that 'thank you'. Or an 'I'm sorry for leaving you behind.' He still hadn't told Naruto that he was sorry or how grateful he was. It might seem like such easy words but... Somehow they made his throat funny. It felt like it would dry up if he even made an attempt to say something like that. Stupid throat.

'_Stupid me.'_

Before Sasuke had time to gather himself enough to try and speak up, Naruto had become tired of the silence.

"We're having a sleep-over there tonight, did I tell you?" he said.

Sasuke frowned and was for a moment distracted from his thoughts.

"We are?"

"Yes, we are. I wrote it on the note I left to Iruka and Kakashi. We have to do it so it won't be a lie."

"Why don't we just go home and throw away the note?"

"No," Naruto looked at Sasuke with angry eyes. "It will still be a lie. And what if they came home earlier? Besides, I..." His anger had fallen away and he was left with looking sorry and like thinking was painful. "We're staying."

"Okay," Sasuke said and remembered the times when he would have said: 'Fuck that. You can stay if you feel like it, but I'm going home.'

The number of cars and people had increased since they left Orochimaru's place. Morning was going steadily towards lunch. The leaving had been surprisingly undramatic. After the kiss, with extra touching, they had taken the elevator down again and no one had said anything as they walked out, the reception guy had just nodded. Sasuke had worried that Orochimaru would have seen the little make out session in his elevator (even though it was silly to think so; the man would have had better things to do than keep track of all the surveillance cameras; especially since Sasuke was supposed to have left already) and changed his mind about making things so easy for them; but nothing had happened.

"Won't Iruka be pissed?"

"Yeah," Naruto snorted in some kind of amusement. "We'll be grounded for months."

"I've never been grounded before," Sasuke said. "Or... I have, but I didn't stay home."

"You will stay home this time."

Sasuke snorted but didn't argue. He remembered back when they had been fighting and how Iruka had been so angry and Naruto so grounded. Though it wasn't like there was anything interesting to do back home anyway; not outside. All the really interesting things had happened inside.

"We didn't eat the food in the fridge either," Naruto sighed. "And we had... well, you know."

'It's like he wants to be grounded,' Sasuke found himself thinking. 'Like he feels he deserves it.'

'It wasn't your fault,' Sasuke could say. Now. Now was as good a time as ever. 'It was just me. I'm just fucked up. Did you know I thought about my...?'

But his throat was still stupid and maybe that was a good thing. He didn't really want Naruto to know that he'd been thinking about Itachi when they were... No, definitely not. Sasuke would never ever tell him that. Just 'I'm fucked up' would be enough.

"Isn't the City Tower a place to go for dates?"

"I wouldn't know," Sasuke said after a short pause to remember what they had been talking about. "I've never been there."

"You haven't been to the City Tower?" Naruto looked stunned. "**I** have been to the City Tower!"

"That place is just for tourists."

For a long moment Naruto looked at Sasuke as they walked, with that stunned expression, as if Sasuke had just told him he was actually a three ton pink lizard in disguise, though the reaction that followed was sort of off when Naruto's face broke into a grin like he'd won the lottery.

"Well, then it's decided!" he exclaimed. "I'm taking you on a date to the City Tower. You are a tourist now, aren't you?"

Apparently seven years of growing up here was very easy to erase.

Naruto took the thing very seriously though. Once they got off the bridge he stopped a man and asked for directions to the City Tower, saying they were tourists. It was completely unnecessary, of course; even if Sasuke hadn't been there, he knew where the building was and how to get there. He wasn't an idiot. But he hadn't felt like arguing; like with the sleep-over at Shikamaru's and the date. He wondered when he'd get his personality back. Then he wondered whether Naruto preferred this push over version of him better than the usual Sasuke.

And they must have seemed like the strangest tourists really. Two fifteen-year-old guys with a plastic bag on a Sunday morning, the first day of December. The man had probably thought they were drunk or idiots; he had looked at them like he was a bit worried, but had been polite and pointed them in the direction of the nearest subway station.

When they got underground Naruto found a pay phone and dialed a number on a small piece of paper he took from his pocket. As he waited for the other side to pick up he waved the paper in the air for Sasuke to see and Sasuke recognized it as the one Shikamaru had given him after they had met Itachi.

"Hey!" Naruto said to the other side and put the paper back into his pocket. "Are Gaara and Lee back yet?"

A short moment of silence followed, at least from the blond. There were a couple of women walking past them and the familiar noise as a train stopped around the corner. Sasuke had been here before, many times. You could take the subway from here to the school that Sasuke had left and Shikamaru still went to.

"Okay! Look, Sasuke and I won't be back for a while yet. We're going on a date."

Naruto snickered. Poked at the phone with a thumb. It was like they had been friends for years.

"Yeah, he's thrilled," the blond said. "I will... Eh? Oh, okay. Yeah, he's here. Hang on."

Naruto took the phone from his ear and held it out to Sasuke.

"He wants to talk to you," he said. "I'll be over there; gonna get us some tickets."

"Okay," Sasuke said and tried to ignore the thumping of his heart. It was just Shikamaru. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. The guy should be used to it by now. Sasuke should be used to it. But the phone felt heavier than it should and it was hard to watch Naruto's back as he walked away. Sasuke sniffed before he covered his ear.

"Hey," he said and hoped that Shikamaru had somehow become stupider over the weekend and lost his ability to see through Sasuke's attempts to cover up his anxiety.

"Hey," the friend said. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Better than I was yesterday," Shikamaru said. It was silent for a moment and Sasuke had time to end up with his lip between his teeth again without meaning to. When he noticed and let it go, Shikamaru continued; as if he'd been waiting for it.

"I heard you got yourself a job."

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "Who told you?"

"Gaara called when they got out."

"That was the stupidest plan you've come up with in years."

"Yeah, well," Shikamaru said. "I didn't have much to work with."

"You could have let me handle it," Sasuke said. "I knew what I was doing."

"I don't trust your judgment when it comes to that man."

"Shikamaru..." Sasuke began, but the rest of the words caught in his throat before they were spoken. He closed his eyes and sighed. The silence returned; at least between Sasuke and Shikamaru. The station was still alive.

"We'll talk later," Shikamaru said eventually, with a soft sound that could have been a sigh.

"Shikamaru."

"Later. Enjoy your date."

Before Sasuke could say anything, Shikamaru hung up.

-

The City Tower had once been the tallest building in the country. These days it was the fourth tallest, or something like that. Sasuke had seen the building many times. It was hard to miss. You could get to the top by elevator or stairs (if you were crazy) and there was a café and all windows when you got there. Hell for people who were scared of heights. Every now and then someone tried to climb the thing without using either stairs or elevator. Sasuke was sure he had heard something about one of those climbers being on the same ward as Itachi a while back.

Sasuke wasn't sure why he'd never gone up the building actually. True, it was for tourists, but most people who lived in the city had been there anyway. Shikamaru had been there, with school even; but it had been on one of the days when Sasuke hadn't felt like going. It was just a building really. A tall building, yes; you could see a lot of the city from the top if the weather was good (Sasuke had seen pictures in magazines and a documentary on TV); but it wasn't much more than that. Just a tall building. Sasuke didn't care.

On the train Naruto told Sasuke how he had gone to see the City Tower with Iruka and Lee and the Gai guy. They had been just kids back then, him and Lee. Eight or nine or something like that, Naruto said he didn't remember exactly. It had been the highest he had ever been, he said. It had been so cool. They had had ice cream on the top and Naruto had wondered how far the ice cream would splatter if he dropped his bowl from up there. Iruka had said it was lucky for Naruto's ten years of future allowance that the place had windows.

They took the elevator up. Naruto said he'd climbed enough stairs earlier that morning that he shouldn't have to take a step in the upwards direction for at least a month. Sasuke wouldn't have argued even if he hadn't been in the stupid 'I'll accept anything' mode. His stomach had swirly things to say about getting in an elevator with Naruto again but he could ignore it. And this elevator wasn't as private as the other one had been, fortunately. There were big windows so that you could see the ground get smaller as you put more distance between it and yourself. They weren't alone this time either. There was an old woman and a middle aged couple that seemed to be foreigners, judging by their low conversation. It was no language that Sasuke was familiar with. He and Naruto stood side by side; close enough that Sasuke could feel heat from the blond's body, a little, and close enough that they could touch, but they didn't.

Naruto hadn't touched Sasuke since they left Orochimaru's elevator. It was strange; it felt... empty somehow. It made Sasuke aware of how much Naruto had used to touch him before this weekend. Not just the private touching, all touching. Innocent touching. A hand here and a brush of the back of fingers there. Normal touching. A toe against Sasuke's leg, an arm slung over his shoulders. The touches saying 'I'm here', 'don't forget about me' and 'we're together.' Now there was nothing. Nothing when Naruto had handed Sasuke the phone at the station, nothing when they had sat together on the train, nothing when they had left it. So many opportunities that had given nothing. No leaning closer to whisper something as he touched Sasuke's leg or arm or neck. No walking extra close so that Sasuke could feel an occasional brush of the body hiding underneath the clothes.

It felt wrong; even more wrong than Naruto's refusal to look at Sasuke before. This was... They had touched in that elevator, hadn't they? Why that brief moment of such wonderfully soothing (if a bit out of line) touches if nothing was supposed to follow? The kissing and the grabbing, the tongue, it wasn't... fair. But it was not just the lack of touching. There was something off, something wrong with the air surrounding them. There was a tension that had been there since they left each other's arms in that elevator. Naruto acted like normal, like everything was okay and... and it didn't feel like he was just pretending, but... Sasuke couldn't put his finger on where the wrongness was, but it was there.

He wanted to reach out, but he couldn't. It wasn't his place, it wasn't... Sasuke had screwed this up by leaving when he should have stayed, by running away without saying a word; he couldn't decide when things were alright again. He hadn't even said 'sorry', or 'thank you' or... The words had been too difficult and the places they were in had been wrong. Sasuke wanted them alone, in a room with just the two of them and the door locked. Maybe then the good words would come; not stupid ones like 'I will hurt you'. Sasuke's version of 'sorry' was 'I will hurt you'? No wonder there was wrongness.

Eventually the doors to the City Tower elevator rattled open. A recorded voice let them know that they had reached the top (as if they needed the information) and how far they would fall if they were to somehow tumble out the window. Sasuke remembered having heard something about that happening many years back. Someone had managed to break the windows and thrown themselves out.

Naruto let Sasuke know that they were taking a tour around the Tower first; then they were going to have ice cream in the café. Sasuke followed as the blond started walking. The view really was nice; they could see farther than Sasuke had thought they would. It was more impressive than in the magazine or on TV. Naruto had picked a good day for watching far distances from high places as well. The smoke that always had seemed to cling to the city, more or less, had chosen to take this day off; almost like it was planned.

The blond asked for directions as they watched the city stretch to meet with the sky in the horizon. 'Where are the schools you used to go to?' 'Where is your old apartment?' 'Where is the hospital we went to, to visit your brother?' 'Where is home?' Sasuke could point out all the directions except home. Naruto didn't know where that was either.

The café was quiet and almost empty, despite it being Sunday. Maybe it was too early for people to be out or maybe the other tourists had just missed the perfect 'sightseeing from the Tower' weather. The ice cream was cold and an odd match with the snow outside, but it was tastier than ice cream usually was.

Naruto ate slower than he was supposed to and pulled no silly dating stunt like trying to feed Sasuke from his cup. The blond smiled and talked less than he should, Sasuke thought, and seemed more grown up and mature. 'I don't want to lose you,' Sasuke's mind whispered.

"Is this the highest you've ever been?" Naruto asked when their cups were almost empty. Sasuke didn't have to think really, but took a moment to clear his mouth of ice cream before he replied.

"Yes."

Naruto smiled.

"I'm glad I'm here with you," he said.

Sasuke couldn't quite take his mind off younger Naruto that had been sitting somewhere on one of these chairs, years ago, pondering about heights and the physics of falling ice cream hitting the ground.

"When we get to Shikamaru's place, I want to talk," Sasuke said, before he could change his mind.

Naruto watched him for a moment and put a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. Sasuke couldn't read what was on his face and tried not to think about having no idea what to say.

"Okay," Naruto said eventually and the smile he gave made things feel less wrong. For a moment the tension eased up.

-

Naruto hadn't talked about any of the things that had gone wrong that Friday. He had said nothing about the things that had been done or hadn't been done and he hadn't asked why Sasuke had left. He hadn't talked about how he had felt when he woke up. He must have been hurt, worried, angry, scared, at a loss. The closest Naruto had come was when he said he wouldn't have known what to do if it hadn't been for Shikamaru.

Sasuke hadn't talked about it either. Part of him was childish and wanted Naruto to start; because Naruto always started and it was easier to just react, but most of him agreed that 'why should he talk when I don't?'

'_Didn't I say I wanted to do things?'_

'_I should be the one to start things for once.'_

They had been able to take a bus directly from the City Tower to the street where Shikamaru's apartment and Sasuke's old one stood. Sasuke had liked that street a lot. It wasn't too close to the central parts of the city and not too far away. The bus connections were great and the subway wasn't far off either. As they got off the bus, Sasuke told himself to remember to show Naruto the old apartment before they left tomorrow. The blond would really like that. He'd be surprised and a little upset at first maybe. Sasuke hadn't told him when they were at the top of the City Tower that it was almost no distance at all between Shikamaru's apartment and Sasuke's old one. Naruto had probably seen the building already, just not known that it was hiding Sasuke's old room.

That would have to wait though; this was not the time for sightseeing. The tension that had fallen away for a moment over the ice cream, with Naruto's soft smile, had returned with a vengeance shortly after and now it was like they were sticky with it, draped in and choking on it. The trip to the apartment had been wordless. Sasuke's promise of talk to come had subdued Naruto's need for talk at the moment it seemed and the blond gave no more stories about things that had been. There was still no touching.

Sasuke was so nervous that it almost made him sick, at least now and then. It came in waves. Nervousness followed by numbness, followed by nervousness again. He still didn't know what to say. His head felt empty and at the same time messier than ever before. It felt like everything and nothing depended on this talk. Why the hell had he said that, by the way? 'Let's talk when we get out of public.' It wasn't like the last time they had planned something serious in advance had turned out to be a success. Really, when was Sasuke going to learn from his screw-ups? He hadn't studied after Neji and he hadn't remembered it was bad to make plans. He wasn't smart at all.

It was Lee who opened the door to Shikamaru's apartment. Shikamaru wasn't home, he said, but would be back some time around four. Did they want lunch? Lee and Gaara had already eaten but portions for Naruto and Sasuke were waiting in the fridge. Naruto said that they would eat later. 'We just had ice cream.' When he asked about Gaara, Lee said the redhead was resting in the living room and that it would be best if they left him alone for a while. Then it got sort of silent and awkward for a moment, until Sasuke realized that Naruto wasn't the one in charge of this.

"We will be in Shikamaru's room," Sasuke said and tried to look less nervous than he felt.

"Y-yeah," Naruto hurried to agree. "Sorry to leave you alone."

"Oh, no, it's okay," Lee smiled. It was an understanding smile, but not in the 'ooh, I get it...' dirty kind of way; a grown up, mature smile. "I was thinking I'd leave once you two got here actually. There are some stores I've been wanting to visit and it would be silly to waste the opportunity. And don't worry, Gaara will not disturb you."

It was strange, the way this guy could make something that could be so suggestive ('I'll give you some privacy so you can screw each other's brains out') sound so innocent and... pure; when Orochimaru had made innocent things sound perverted. Sasuke and Naruto really did have different kinds of acquaintances, huh? Though Naruto had Gaara. Maybe Shikamaru plus Orochimaru were kind of even with Lee plus Gaara on the badness scale. Of course, if you were to add other acquaintances as well things would get unbalanced. Even if he was a madman when he was angry, Iruka didn't have much badness compared to Kakashi; comparing Neji to Ino was just stupid, as was Tsunade to Sachiko-baachan. And even though the Konohamaru brat was pure evil and annoyance incarnate, and even though Naruto might have Gaara's siblings on his side, Sasuke would have his brother and that would be the end of it. They wouldn't even have to add themselves.

Yes, Sasuke had to really be very nervous. But he just still didn't know what to say and they were saying 'bye' to Lee already and closing the door behind him. They were walking towards Shikamaru's room and Naruto knew where it was, Sasuke noticed within the terrorizing chaos that was his mind. His legs felt funny, his stomach want to flee from his body and his heart wanted to go crazy. What did you say?

He was in love, wasn't he? Sasuke had described the feeling as 'it's stupid but I feel safe in his presence' or 'when he touches me I get distracted even though I should be used to it by now' or 'it feels right to the bones that you changed my eyes'. It was love, wasn't it? 'I'm in love with him.' Just thinking those words made swirls take flights around in Sasuke's stomach.

Sasuke had never been very interested in being in love. To him it was an unreal state that only really existed in fairy tales and when people in real life talked about being in love they were just being idiotic and trying to justify their hormones. Sasuke had been so relieved he had seen through it and didn't fall in love. But... this that he was feeling now was... It was strangely fitting into all those descriptions Sasuke had heard and snorted at. It wasn't just hormones, it was... Damn. But it wasn't as cheesy as Sasuke had thought it would be. It wasn't as pathetic and unreal. It felt very real. It made him feel more pathetic, but also stronger. It made him feel more soaring and cheesily fluttering, but also rooted down. He didn't feel as helpless before it as people had always claimed you should feel, at the same time as he felt tied up and tossed onto train tracks.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said, before the door had even been closed to give them their privacy. Before his mind could sort itself out and decide it didn't want him to say it. He said it to the room, his back to Naruto. He didn't want to turn around out of fear that he would change his mind or lose his voice.

There was a moment of silence before the door closed. It was scary and comforting at the same time, the aloneness and togetherness and Sasuke wouldn't have had it any other way. The last time they had been alone and together in a bedroom they had... But there was daylight in this room and it made a difference.

"I shouldn't have left like that," he continued. "You didn't deserve it."

For a moment again there was silence. Such a silence. Had this place been this silent ever before this day? Before this moment? Was it possible for silence like this to exist in the city? Sasuke could only hear his heart beating. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for. Naruto wasn't moving.

"I didn't?" broke the unreal lack of sounds. It was a real, honest question spoken with a sad voice that carried a weak, faked amusement. It was unexpected and at the same time not.

"I screwed up," Naruto continued and the sound was slightly muffled as if he was facing the door, his back to Sasuke's as Sasuke's back was to him. "I didn't see. Something was wrong and I didn't see.

Sasuke bit his lip. Naruto was right, he hadn't seen, and it hurt to remember. But that didn't mean he had deserved what Sasuke had done.

"That was not why I left," Sasuke said and it was the truth. It wasn't because Naruto didn't notice that Sasuke had left; it was so that he wouldn't notice. At least not right away.

"I was... confused," Sasuke said. But as the word was spoken he frowned. It was true, but not enough. Sasuke had been confused but there had been so many more things as well.

"I was hurting, I was... scared, I was... I needed to see who I... was, without you."

It both made sense and didn't.

"You affect me," he added.

"I'm sorry," Naruto said, and it sounded like he wanted to fix it but had no idea how or what.

"No," Sasuke shook his head. He wanted to turn around, spin Naruto around as well and grab his face and look into his eyes and say it over and over until his throat started to bleed. That was not it at all. "Don't be sorry. You are..."

'_Never cruel to anyone. Gentle. Faithful. Wiser than anyone when you need to be. Always smiling.' _

'_An incarnation of the sun.'_

'_I don't deserve you.'_

"You make me happy," Sasuke said.

The impact of his own words ran through him and brought a blur to his eyes. He couldn't explain why, how or when, but that was the truth. It was true from the fine hairs on his skin to the innermost center of his bones, from the tips of his toes to the wildest strand of hair on his head, and from the silliest and most shallow thoughts to the deepest and most complex philosophies having made their home in his mind.

When Sasuke continued, it seemed like an age had passed; like he had traveled to the sky and landed again.

"I just needed to be without that for a while."

The quietness returned and the nervousness was gone. The only remain of the 'capable of choking them' tension was a small, thin, coil of a snake on the bottom of Sasuke's stomach. It was a snake of nervousness, yes, but a gentle, friendly one; affecting him only in a soft way. Differently. More gently playful than terrorizing. At the end of the silence, Naruto sniffled.

"I don't get it," he said and his voice grew stronger with frustration.

"You don't have to," Sasuke said. "You can't..."

'...help me with that,' he was going to say, but his voice fell useless in the middle. Sasuke closed his eyes as his heart warmed and he felt the blur fall down his cheeks. It was a lie. He couldn't say it because it was a lie. Sasuke had to smile as his eyes opened again.

"You don't have to do anything differently," he almost whispered.

'_You do everything you're supposed to do already. Sometimes I don't see it, but you do everything I need.'_

Sasuke found himself wanting to be touched. It had felt right with no touching before, right because something was wrong, but now... _'Touch me now.'_ He wanted arms to wrap around his waist and a head pressing to his back or a face to his throat. He wanted his boyfriend close. He wanted to be draped in that comfort and that smell that made him dizzy. Sasuke wished that wisdom of Naruto's would kick in and tell him what Sasuke needed, but no touching came. Naruto didn't move. And with the feeling Sasuke assumed would take over a person that had finally decided to jump off the cliff, he realized that that was exactly what he needed.

It was more of a reflex than a choice. There were no real thoughts before the decision to turn and close the distance between them. It was like breathing. He just acted. It was exhilarating and frightening and no turning back.

"I don't accept that," Naruto muttered determined mutterings, still facing the door. Sasuke could move without making a sound. "That's not my style. I won't accept that someone I love needs to hurt. I will make it better. I will..."

Naruto flinched and stopped talking when Sasuke put a hand on his back. The door rattled, the flinch having traveled through the hand that still firmly clenched around the handle. Naruto was warm. His back was tense. His whole body was tense.

"I want to have you in my presence," Sasuke said. "This you. You don't need to change anything."

He let his other hand join the first on Naruto's back and let them wander, lower, around; he moved forward until he couldn't come any closer and his arms were wrapped around his boyfriend's waist. It felt just as comforting as being held, holding. Sasuke hadn't expected that.

With a shaky breath shuddering through him, Naruto let go of the door handle. His hands moved and fell to cover Sasuke's and it got even warmer. Sasuke closed his eyes.

"I told you I wouldn't let you go," Naruto mumbled with a slightly hesitating hint of 'silly you'.

"Yes," Sasuke said. "But I never said anything."

The hands covering Sasuke's pressed closer to him. So warm.

"Do you really want to do this with me?" Naruto asked.

At that Sasuke smiled, his eyes still closed.

"Yes. I do."

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	62. With you

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: August 25th 2007, Saturday  
second version: December 26th 2008, Friday

**FFdotNet version**

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Full version available for legal adults, check my profile for links.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**62: With you**

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Shikamaru was pulling sheets and covers from the wardrobe in his parent's bedroom when Sasuke walked in and closed the door behind him. The friend glanced Sasuke's way and his eyes carried something and nothing at the same time, as always.

"Hey," Sasuke said.

"Hey."

"When did you get back?"

"Couple of hours ago," Shikamaru said. He walked over to Sasuke and dropped the pile of folded sleepover equipment on Sasuke's outstretched arms. "While you were sleeping with your boyfriend in my bed."

It was the innocent meaning of 'sleeping'.

After the talk where Sasuke had finally said what it felt like he had wanted to say for months, even though not even a day had passed since his brain fully realized that 'yes, Naruto is worth more than his own weight in diamonds and that's why I want to stay with him', Sasuke and Naruto had gone to the kitchen and reheated the food Lee had left for them. It had been good. Naruto had explained, without needing to, that Lee was a great cook. He spent a lot of time in the kitchen; because eating good food was important when you trained and because he shared the housework with his father, Gai. There was no mother apparently.

They had done the dishes together. Naruto had washed, Sasuke had dried. Then Naruto had dragged Sasuke back to Shikamaru's bedroom and insisted they get some sleep. 'You looked like you were going to fall asleep on your food!' he had said. It was a lie, of course. Sasuke had never been sleepy enough to fall asleep on his food. He had been tired however, yawning more than had been comfortable, and hadn't really struggled on the way to the bed. It was okay to use it, Naruto had said. He had slept there the previous night.

Naruto had said he wasn't tired himself but he wanted to keep Sasuke company. 'I'm not leaving you,' he had repeated, as if that promise had included all situations. For a moment a part of Sasuke had been worried that there would be problems when he needed to use the bathroom and have sessions with the old lady, then he told that part of himself to stop thinking idiot thoughts.

Naruto had said he wasn't tired, but either he was lying or had bad connections with his body, because within minutes the guy was out like a streetlight at dawn. Sasuke had lain for a moment and just listened to his boyfriend breathing. The room had been bright even with the curtains pulled over the window; nothing like Orochimaru's curtains. Sasuke had thought that this was probably where Naruto had been when he himself had been sleeping on the bathroom floor; crying on the bathroom floor. There was such a difference between falling asleep close to Naruto and falling asleep away from him. Sasuke had had a warm arm wrapped around his shoulder.

When Sasuke woke up again the room had been early evening dark. Naruto had been awake and watching him with two emotions mixed in his eyes. One that said 'this is the most beautiful sight ever' and one that said 'he could disappear at any moment'. It had been embarrassing for a moment and Sasuke had wanted to huff and say something like 'idiot' or 'silly' or 'stupid'. But the feeling had passed and instead of talking, Sasuke had given a small hint of a soft smile, more with his eyes than with his mouth, and leaned closer to kiss the blue-eyed boy staring at him. It had been a soft, non-dirty kiss; with tongue, but in a clean way. Afterwards Naruto had smiled and the 'he could disappear at any moment' emotion had run away.

"You said it like we really were sleeping," Sasuke told to Shikamaru and leaned against the door.

"Because I'm an optimist," Shikamaru grumbled and made a sort of grumpy face.

Sasuke couldn't help but smile at that. Shake his head.

"You're such a liar."

"Did you do it?" Shikamaru asked. "With him, before you left."

He asked in a casual 'did you buy that CD?' kind of way, but there was no doubt of what he was talking about. Sasuke's smile faded a little, changed to a more contemplating, less happy one. But they were friends. It wasn't a weird question, was it?

"Yeah," Sasuke said and it wasn't until he did that the curl of what felt like pure energy took a trip around his stomach. He found that he was looking at Shikamaru's arms instead of at his friend's face, fiddling with the pile of cloth that had been given to him. "Did he tell you?"

"Not really," Shikamaru gave a sigh that was so soft it almost wasn't there. "He just said enough about how you left that I could guess. You took his clothes?"

"Mine were in his room, I didn't want to wake him," Sasuke said. "He was... I didn't want him to notice. I was in the bathroom."

"Did he hurt you?" Shikamaru asked. "Is that why you left?"

Sasuke's eyes flickered up and he frowned and felt treated like a girl for a second; one of the weak ones, not Neji's cousins. Like he couldn't beat up Naruto in his sleep.

"No," he said, his voice carrying a tint of 'I'm insulted'.

"He said he didn't mean to," Shikamaru continued. "Though it sounded like he thought he had."

"He didn't," Sasuke said firmly. "I left because I'm fucked up. You know I am."

"I know you're scared," Shikamaru said.

"Because I'm fucked up."

It was silent for a moment. Shikamaru didn't say anything more. Sasuke felt like he was hiding behind the sleepover equipment and wondered if maybe he should go. But there were things left to say.

"Is that why you let him come with the others on that stupid, suicidal "rescue-mission"? Because you thought he had hurt me?"

"I didn't think he had hurt you," Shikamaru sounded frustrated, like words were stupid. "I just wanted to... needed to ask."

"You worry about me," Sasuke said and his voice was softer than it had been before.

"Yeah. It comes with being your friend. As it comes with being your foster father and your boyfriend."

Sasuke smiled, an 'I've heard this before' smile, shook his head and looked away.

"I'm serious, Sasuke," Shikamaru said, put the back of his hand to the side of Sasuke's face and turned it back so that their eyes met. "You're not the only person in your life. What you do affects the people around you. That's why I let Naruto come with the others to rescue you."

The smile on Sasuke's lips faded. If it had been any other person, Sasuke would have pushed away and snarled something offensive, probably. But this was Shikamaru. The glare that should have come stayed away.

"He would have killed them," Sasuke said and couldn't quite recognize the voice that came out. "He would have killed him. If I hadn't showed up."

"Are you surprised?" Shikamaru raised a brow. He knew who Sasuke was talking about; was just as bad as Kakashi when it came to worrying about Orochimaru. "You know what kind of a man he is."

Sasuke didn't say anything. He did know, and would have been surprised if the man hadn't tried anything. But still... After enough silence, Shikamaru sighed and scratched his head.

"Though... I knew Gaara wouldn't have let that happen. And you would have heard the gun shots and..."

"I almost went home!"

There was another silence for a short moment. Shikamaru looked surprised.

"You thought I was staying until someone came to pick me up?" Sasuke asked and he was grateful for the anger, grateful that it was justified, even though there wouldn't have been a problem at all if it hadn't been for him.

"I didn't think he'd let you leave," the friend almost whined. Then he sighed again and grumbled. "Gaara might have been able to shot his way out anyway. He is Gaara of the Sand."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Sasuke said. "You're an optimist these days."

Shikamaru sat down on the floor and pulled at Sasuke's arm to have him sit down as well. Sasuke didn't argue. He let his back slide against the door and his legs cross. It felt even more like he was hiding behind the pile now that it was in his lap. But the friend was hiding his eyes behind a hand so maybe it was okay. Sasuke felt like a misbehaved child and time passed.

The TV could be heard from the living room. Lee and Gaara had been watching some movie when Sasuke and Naruto came out of Shikamaru's bedroom. When they had eaten, Naruto had given Sasuke a smile and the soft touch of a hand along his arm before they went their separate paths; Sasuke going to find his friend, Naruto to join his. Shikamaru's parents were still away.

"What did he say?" Sasuke broke the almost silence eventually. "Naruto. When he called you."

Shikamaru uncovered his eyes and the hand ended up over his nose and mouth instead. He watched Sasuke for a moment before he let his breath out in a slow huff.

"He was surprised that I knew who was calling," he said. "I saved the number that time when you called from his house. He said you were missing. He had looked for you. You hadn't left a note or said anything. He asked if you were at my place, said he hadn't seen you since Friday night."

"He said he's not sad that he fell in love with me," Sasuke said. "Before, in your room. That he's not letting me go."

Shikamaru watched him as he spoke. His eyes didn't carry a trace of boredom this time. Like Sasuke's story was immensely interesting. The hand had lowered to steady his chin. Sasuke hesitated for a moment, then leaned forward and lowered his voice to what felt like a whisper.

"I think I'm in love with him. No, I... I'm pretty sure that I am. It feels strange."

After a few heart beats, Shikamaru's mouth spread in a smile.

"Are you sure you're not... totally in love with him?" he asked.

Sasuke couldn't help it; he remembered the stupid time when Naruto and Shikamaru first met and he laughed. Not an 'out loud' laugh, but loud enough that he had to hold a hand over his mouth to try and dampen the sound. Shikamaru was laughing as well. Soft, whispery laughs that wouldn't be heard outside the room. It felt like one of the silly and serious talks with Kakashi. It didn't need an answer, Shikamaru's question, so Sasuke didn't give one. And really, was there a scale to the being in love thing? Could you be in love a little and a lot? It felt impossible. Either you were or you weren't.

"You two have my blessing," Shikamaru said when the laughter had softened and turned into smiles.

"Thank you," Sasuke said in a mock serious tone.

They smiled at each other for a while, before Shikamaru leaned closer. He put his elbow on the pile now resting in Sasuke's lap.

"So how was it?"

"How was what?" Sasuke asked, even though the swirling in his stomach told him what his friend was asking. It wasn't like it was anything strange, right? It was a question friends should ask each other. He shouldn't be blushing.

"Come on," Shikamaru smirked. "You know what I mean. Don't be shy."

Sasuke loved the friend for treating it like it hadn't been followed by Sasuke running away from home again.

"It was... big," Sasuke said and found his eyes suddenly unfocused, as if he was searching for something that was not visual. Then he realized what he had said and hurried to look at Shikamaru. "The **experience**."

"Of course," the friend said like he was lying.

"It meant more than I thought it would mean," Sasuke ignored the bait and continued. "It made a difference in places I didn't know it would make a difference in."

"Was it good?"

"Well..." Sasuke frowned and struggled to find some good words that didn't sound bad but at the same time weren't a lie. "It depends on how you look at it."

Shikamaru was suddenly frowning too.

"Did you top or bottom?"

Sasuke found his face warming even more.

"He had read the book," he hurried to say. "A... A book. He wouldn't let me... top."

"What book?"

"I don't know," Sasuke scrunched up his nose. "Just some book. A good book. From the library. Health and body section."

Shikamaru snickered.

"It was good thinking!" Sasuke defended. "There are things you have to know."

"Yeah!" Shikamaru smiled. "I agree. The guy's got guts. Very sweet of him."

"I never should have told you," Sasuke muttered and tried to look upset. "I never should have said anything."

Shikamaru made an 'oh, really?' face.

"No," Sasuke said and made a face. "I'm changing the subject. Are the mattresses where they should be?"

"It was that bad, huh?"

"It wasn't bad! It was...!" Sasuke was looking for more of those good-but-not-lies words. Unfortunately they were very good at hiding. Sneaky words. "I don't know, okay? I don't know. Yeah, it was... fairly horrible. But if that was because of me... you know, my head, or because of what we were doing... I don't know. I don't... really remember."

Sasuke was looking at the sheets on the top of the pile. They were white with pale, pale yellow flowers.

"It's sort of a blur," he mumbled.

"You know what I think?" Shikamaru said after a moment.

"I should get brain surgery and become celibate?"

"I think you guys just need some practice."

Sasuke snorted in half-amusement, half-disbelief.

"I'm serious," Shikamaru continued. "How many hours of practice did it take for you to get where you are with fighting? Kissing?"

At that Sasuke rolled his eyes and glanced at Shikamaru. The friend looked serious, friendly serious.

"Are you saying I gave you a crappy first kiss?" Sasuke raised a brow.

"Nah," Shikamaru shrugged. "But you've improved since then, haven't you?"

"Yeah," Sasuke smiled. "I suppose I have."

The first person that had kissed Sasuke had been a blondish, tall guy that used a lot of tongue. It had gone fast and been over almost before Sasuke had had a chance to fully grasp what was happening. It had felt very wet and very sloppy and Sasuke had been thirteen. Afterwards the blondish guy had grinned and asked if it had been Sasuke's first time. Sasuke had smirked and lied and said it wasn't. The feeling of the kiss had stayed on his lips for hours afterwards. He had no idea what the guy's name was and hadn't seen him again after that.

When Shikamaru came over to Sasuke's place a day or so after, Sasuke had asked if his friend had ever kissed anyone before. At the half-amused, half-confused, snorted 'no' answer, Sasuke had decided that he was going to be the first. He had been slightly drunk at the moment, Kakashi had been out and Sasuke had raided his stash again. His reasoning had been perhaps slightly colored by that fact.

'_You've got to do it some time. Better with me that you know than with some stranger.'_

Sasuke hadn't particularly had any plans for his first kiss, hadn't thought much about it really; but it still felt annoying that it had been snatched away so quickly and anonymously. If Sasuke hadn't been so proud he would have punched the guy in the face.

'_It's got nothing to do with some stupid love thing; it's just about doing it.'_

He supposed he had been angry. There had been something itching on the inside of him that needed scratching. It might have been that itching that made him enjoy the kissing so much afterwards. There was something in that closeness of wet lips pressing together that was... nice. Really nice. It wasn't love, it was just... that itch. Sasuke had kissed Shikamaru twice that evening when he was slightly drunk and Kakashi was out. The first time had been for the sake of having it done, the second because the first had been bad.

They had kissed now and then after that, the last time being that stupid 'no need to send me home because you don't want to contaminate me **now**' one on the porch when Sasuke had been sick and Shikamaru had come to see his new house. It was never about love between them; just the friendship between a fucked up guy and one that didn't care enough to argue. Sasuke supposed it was like other friends hugged. It wasn't something they did often or for the same reasons they kissed others. It was for special occasions.

"You want one of those improved ones?" Sasuke asked, because this suddenly felt very much like a special occasion. "One that doesn't taste like vomit and where I kiss back?"

"No thank you," Shikamaru snorted and looked away for a moment. "I've seen enough of the boyfriend to know I don't want to risk him finding out I've been kissing you."

"It's got nothing to do with him," Sasuke frowned. "You're my friend."

"Friends don't kiss, Sasuke."

"We do."

Shikamaru sighed. After a moment of nothing, the friend made a 'well, come here then' gesture with his head. The kiss was soft and hard. Soft lips and hard sliding against each other's mouths. It was determined tongue; soft but determined. Despite his initial hesitation, Shikamaru kissed as he always did, like he had it all planned. But something was different.

"It's not the same," Sasuke mumbled and licked his lips when it was over.

It was not the same as kissing others. Kissing Shikamaru was friendship, a simple comforting knowledge that the friend was there. Kissing Neji and those many semi-strangers at the parties was thrilling and 'feel good'. Kissing Naruto was searing butterflies all the way to Sasuke's bones.

But it was also not the same in another way. It was not the same as it used to be, kissing Shikamaru. It was like it had lost some of its meaning, or gained a meaning and therefore didn't fit anymore.

Shikamaru watched him. There was something in his eyes that could have been sadness, if it had been more defined.

"Last time," he said and Sasuke understood.

He watched his friend in silence for many heartbeats before he nodded. After even more heartbeats he softly said 'thanks'.

-

Sasuke found Gaara and Lee alone on the sofa in the living room; cuddling in a Sunday evening kind of way. It was a strange vision, the former cold murderer of the Sand and the dorky-looking guy, and at the same time fitting in some way that Sasuke didn't understand.

"Where is Naruto?" he asked and lingered in the door way.

"Shower," Gaara said without taking his eyes off the TV. Lee however looked over the red-head and smiled at Sasuke.

"He should be out soon if you want to take one too," he said.

"Alright," Sasuke said. He turned around and headed for the bathroom.

He could hear water running outside the door and waited for a moment and let his insides be swirled around with nervousness. His boyfriend in the shower. Sasuke hadn't experienced that since PE that Thursday when they had decided, before that Friday. He knew that the door to Shikamaru's bathroom had no lock and he knew that it made no sound when you opened it; he knocked once he was inside and had the door closed behind him. The room was hazy but he could see the shape of Naruto's body flinch behind the curtain when he noticed he wasn't alone.

"Hey!" the guy exclaimed. "There are people showering in here!"

"It's me," Sasuke said.

"O-Oh," Naruto's shape shifted. "Hi. What do you want?"

"A shower."

"I... I'm almost done, okay?" He huffed. "Why don't they have a lock to this place? It's a bathroom! What about privacy?"

"They want to be able to move around the place easily," Sasuke said and pulled his shirt over his head.

"What? Is it the gang thing?" Naruto snorted. "I don't get it."

Sasuke unbuttoned his pants and let them drop to the floor, pushed down the underwear to his ankles and stepped out of them.

"I don't get it either," he said.

When he opened the curtain enough that he could sneak inside, Naruto flinched again and spun around so quickly that he lost his balance. He would have tumbled out and ripped down the curtain if Sasuke hadn't grabbed a hold of him. They stumbled around for a while before the floor below their feet stabilized and balance was regained.

"Sasuke!" Naruto whined. "Don't do that, I could have died!"

"Stop overreacting," Sasuke said. "You wouldn't have died."

"I could have hit my head on the toilet."

He sounded like Kakashi. Sasuke had to smile. Naruto had his back to the wall and his hands on Sasuke's hips; Sasuke had his weight leaning on Naruto and his hands on the boyfriend's arms. Things got a little awkward once they noticed. The first thing they did when they had noticed was look down, because that was the normal 'this is awkward' reaction; only it didn't work so well with their nakedness. Their eyes snapped up again and met. Naruto was blushing and the warmth on Sasuke's cheeks told him he was too. They stood in the shower fall and Sasuke found his skin and hair getting slowly soaked.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "For scaring you."

"It's okay," Naruto muttered. "Why did you come in?"

"I wanted a shower," Sasuke said and gave a smile that was more apologetic than joyful.

"I was almost done."

"I didn't want to wait."

Naruto gave a soft sigh and then he smiled. As if he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"You know what I think?"

"What?"

"This is your inner pervert expressing himself."

Sasuke had to smile for real at that.

"My inner pervert?"

"Yes," Naruto looked serious and amused at the same time. "I think it was... you, who said that everyone is a pervert."

"I did?"

"Yes."

The blue eyes took a quick tour lower again, as if they couldn't help themselves; Sasuke could see because he was watching them closely. They wandered to Sasuke's mouth, throat, collar bone, it seemed. They went further down. Chest, nipples, stomach, belly button, but not lower. Sasuke could feel his insides reacting to the study, swirling warmth and energy. He could get hard just by being watched by those eyes.

"What do you have left?" Sasuke swallowed and said. Naruto was snapped back to Sasuke's face. "Of the shower?"

"Uh... J-just rinsing," he said.

"Do you want to do my hair?" Sasuke found himself asking. He let go of the arms and turned, grabbed the bottle of shower cream; turned off the water and poured some of the content in his hand, then pressed it to his body.

"O-Okay," Naruto said and reached over Sasuke's shoulder for the shampoo. Shikamaru's mother only bought nice-smelling products for the shower.

Naruto used softer hands than Sasuke used when he shampooed his hair. The touch was gentle, almost hesitating, at first; it grew firmer after a while but never turned rough or hasty, never turned into something that Sasuke might have expected from the loud blond before he got to know him. With what Sasuke knew of his boyfriend these days, there was no reason at all to worry about getting shampoo in his eyes.

The loud, stubborn and seemingly idiotic blond had an amazing gentleness to him. He could be incredibly soft and could take his time, be patient. Naruto was not what he seemed at first glance. Well, he **was**... but there were so many other things to him as well, things you only saw once you got to know him. Really... How come those things didn't show at first? He would have had so many friends and admirers and fan girls that... He might have never noticed Sasuke at all, so maybe it was a good thing. (Or maybe Sasuke was being selfish).

There was actually a lot of hesitation to Naruto, if you took the time to look beyond the decisiveness and persistence he showed the world. He worried, he changed his mind, he grew discouraged, he didn't know what to do. Naruto wasn't as idiotically stubborn and clueless as he had first seemed to Sasuke; he just... He just chose to stick with the optimistic side of the coin and threw off the other one. Not automatically, because he didn't think anything could go wrong; he knew what could go wrong and he knew what was at stake. He just chose his way over the other.

The fingers and palms ran across Sasuke's scalp and through his hair. The shampoo had made a very fluffy, soft lather and Naruto ran smoothly with it. As Sasuke reached to wash between his legs, he wondered if Naruto was watching his own hands working or Sasuke's. He wondered if the blond had glanced over Sasuke's shoulder at any point and noticed that he was hardening. Sasuke also wondered why he didn't find it more embarrassing, or terrorizing, to be in this state with this guy again.

'_I want to do it,_' his crazy mind whispered and his being raced at the thought. _'Again. Practice.'_

Was Naruto hardening too? There seemed to be a deliberate distance between Sasuke's back and Naruto's chest. Sasuke found a slightly evil smirk crawling its way to his lips and couldn't for his life understand why he wasn't more disturbed by this, when the last time they'd been naked and close like this had been so horrible.

'_That was just me. It had nothing to do with him. That was just me and Itachi.'_

For washing purposes Sasuke ran a shower cream lathered hand down his back, further down, between his cheeks and lingered for a moment where he shouldn't, before moving on. He felt a curl of warm energy in his stomach as he yet again wondered if Naruto was watching. Was the blond right? Had Sasuke suddenly been overtaken by his inner pervert?

"T-there!" Naruto stammered with a sound quality to his weak voice that told Sasuke he needed to wet his throat and that he had been watching. The hands lifted from Sasuke's hair. "All done."

Sasuke took a step backwards and grabbed onto Naruto's arms with lathery hands. He pressed back and pulled Naruto forward and felt a shiver travel through them both. Naruto had hardened too.

"Thanks," Sasuke smiled. He wrapped his boyfriend's arms around his waist and wondered again where his personality had gone. But maybe it hadn't gone anywhere. Maybe this was him too, just a part of him that took longer to reach, took more time to wake up, and was much more elusive than Naruto's soft and patient side.

Once the arms were secured around him, he reached out and turned on the water. Closed his eyes and leaned his head back to avoid the shampoo as it started running. Maybe he was having episode? He felt strange and too calm. Maybe he would lose consciousness any second now. But this seemed like a good place to be. Shikamaru would know what to do and these arms were strong enough to hold him.

-

They had left the shower and dried themselves off with towels when Naruto suddenly stepped on his pants with a wobble and an 'ow!' Sasuke frowned and watched his boyfriend do a short one-legged dance around the bathroom.

"What?"

"Stupid, **fucking** Gaara!"

Sasuke raised a brow, wondered if Naruto had used such words when he was really upset before he got to know Sasuke or if it had come after and what Iruka would have to say if he ever heard. Naruto threw himself at his pants and dug into one of his pockets. What came out again with the hand gave Sasuke warm stomach swirls. Naruto was blushing.

"I did **not** bring this!" he almost yelled at Sasuke. "It was Gaara! I told him I didn't want it but apparently he's too much of an **idiot**," the word was screamed at the door. "...to get it!"

"O-okay," Sasuke swallowed. Even with the obvious 'how the hell could he not have noticed that being dropped in his pocket', it made sense. Gaara was the bad guy in Naruto's circle of happy friends, after all, and it didn't feel very likely that Naruto would want to try again so soon. The bluish, hair gel looking tube was thrown in the trash can.

"How insensitive can you get?" Naruto grumbled, still blushing; pulled on a pair of underwear that had been waiting on his pile of new clothes. When Sasuke, after some hesitation and glances in the direction of the trash can, reached for the only pile he had, the one his undressing had resulted in, Naruto stopped him.

"Hang on," he said. "I brought some new clothes for you too. They're in my bag, I'll go get them."

The boyfriend quickly got into his pants and his shirt and limped out of the bathroom. Sasuke stared at the door that had closed, for a second, before he made up his mind, headed over to the trash can and peered down into it. It was the same brand as they had used two days earlier, but the amount of content told him not the same tube, which supported Naruto's story that it was Gaara's idea. Easy Slide. What an embarrassing name.

When he heard steps approaching, Sasuke quickly picked the tube from the trashcan and rolled it into his pile of clothes. As the door opened he wondered how big the chance was that Gaara had sneaked condoms into Naruto's pants as well. Surely not nonexistent. They would have been more difficult to notice. Sasuke's stomach swirled as he thought about what he wanted and if he really wanted it. Why should he? It had been fairly horrible the first time, as he'd told Shikamaru.

It was nice to be back in his own clothes; Sasuke recognized the set he had brought with him to Naruto's place. Naruto had brought tooth brushes as well and, borrowing toothpaste from Shikamaru, they brushed their teeth before leaving the bathroom. After dumping their clothes (Sasuke's being more a bundle of secret hiding place) in Shikamaru's room and noting that their mattresses (Lee and Gaara's mattresses were in the living room; it had seemed more appropriate that Sasuke and boyfriend stayed in Shikamaru's room) had been laid out and made, they joined their friends in the living room for a TV game show.

Gaara half-lay cuddled in Lee's lap on the couch, apparently quite unconcerned by the fact that this wasn't his house. The case he'd carried on his back earlier that day was resting on the floor in front of him. Shikamaru sat alone in an armchair and Naruto and Sasuke got to share the love seat, how sweet. But they weren't cuddling like Lee and Gaara. Despite not quite being himself this day, Sasuke was himself enough that he would not cuddle in front of others.

Shikamaru informed them that their mattresses had been made and they could go to bed if they wanted to, but neither Sasuke nor Naruto felt particularly sleepy. They had just woken up from their afternoon nap, after all, and while Sasuke's swirling stomach reminded him that there were other things they could be doing on those mattresses, he was not quite bold enough to try that when everyone was awake. He wasn't sure he was bold enough to try it when everyone was sleeping either, not with Shikamaru in the same room. Not with anyone in the same room. Okay, so there would be no bed creaking with mattresses, but... but that was not the point!

Sasuke hadn't thought about that when he took the lube from the trashcan, that there would be people around tonight. But it was okay. No panic. Sasuke shouldn't want this anyway. They could wait until they got home and got another weekend alone; or maybe just an afternoon. They could skip school. Naruto could pretend to be sick and Sasuke could use his Tsunade-excuse. It wasn't like they could get into more trouble with Iruka. It was just silly to waste good lube and get Shikamaru in trouble by letting his mother find it.

It was damned frustrating though, when he had made up his mind about it. (_'Made up my mind? I did?'_) Why did they have to sleep in Shikamaru's room? It wasn't like he could ask to switch with Lee and Gaara either, that would be too suspicious. Gaara was too perverted and Shikamaru was too smart not to guess the reason; with the lube-tube scheme and Sasuke's talk with his friend earlier. There were no other good reasons not to sleep in Shikamaru's room either; no good excuse.

As it turned out though, Sasuke didn't need an excuse.

"I'm sorry," Gaara suddenly broke the TV watching silence. Sasuke's eyes tore away from the blur of thinking to look at the redhead and noticed the others looked as well. "But Lee and I will be staying in your room tonight, Shikamaru. Naruto should get to be alone with his princess in the living room."

Naruto reacted almost immediately with a mortified yell.

"Gaara!"

"His what?" Sasuke hissed and for a moment forgot all about practice.

"Princess," Gaara repeated; turned in Lee's lap to look at Sasuke with blank eyes. "That would be you."

"Stop calling him that!" Naruto shouted angrily and got off the couch. "He is not a princess! And we don't need to be alone! And don't put lube in my pants!"

Yeah. Who needs excuses when your boyfriend's got perverted fucking assholes for friends?

-

For a while it had seemed like Naruto would ruin the whole unexpected solution to Sasuke's problem by refusing to move to the living room. He had been determined not to let Gaara win. Lee had tried to meddle here and there with 'come on, Naruto, you know he's just teasing' and 'won't you stop teasing him, Gaara?' but neither of the combatants had seemed to pay much attention to him. Not even 'you'll wake up the neighbors!' had any effect.

Sasuke had been pissed off at the guy too at first; where the hell had the whole princess thing come from anyway? You had to be blind, deaf and lobotomized to claim that Sasuke had any princess qualities to him. It was beyond absurd. He didn't have the right hair, the right clothes, the right attitude, the right **gender**. Gaara's deadpan explanation that they had just saved him from a tower guarded by a snake dragon got Naruto so angry he almost cried.

But even if Sasuke had been angry, he had seen the solution to his problem. He could do it in the living room, as long as everyone was asleep and the lights were out and the mattresses were out of sight from the doorway. And for some, probably fucked up, reason, Sasuke really needed it to happen tonight. So he had sighed eventually and just gone to fetch their things. Shikamaru had followed, shaking his head and expressing worry about the neighbors (not that he had to; the closest neighbors were living abroad at the moment, the second closest was ninety years old and deaf and the last one never at home at night. Sasuke had always been jealous of Shikamaru's luck with neighbors). Sasuke had told his friend to quickly erase the p-word from his vocabulary if he wanted any calls in the future.

Naruto had complained some more when Sasuke returned with their things. 'Don't just give in to him like that!' It had taken a firm glare and 'shut up or I'm taking the bus home' from Sasuke before the blond stopped yelling, pouted and grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

'Don't mind him, it's just sexual frustration,' Gaara had said before leaving. The TV evening had been cancelled and everyone had said good night and gone to their beds or mattresses, the lights being turned off.

'It is not!' Naruto had screamed, but Sasuke had turned him around and pushed him in the direction of what were now their mattresses.

"I am not frustrated," the boyfriend whined as he pulled off his clothes. "Gaara's just an asshole. Why did you let him win like that?"

"Because I want to be alone with you," Sasuke said and undressed as well.

Naruto looked at him for a moment, looked surprised and a little worried and a little, little pleased. Then he huffed as if he had just imagined it and threw the blankets over him.

"He could have been nicer about it," Naruto muttered. "I hate when he calls you that. Didn't it piss you off?"

"I want to be alone with you," Sasuke repeated. He slipped under the covers and looked at Naruto with eyes that he hoped said what his mouth didn't. Naruto opened his mouth and his cheeks were getting redder. He closed it again and shifted onto his back; looked at the ceiling.

"You could have said you wanted to sleep in here then," he mumbled. "I don't mind. Damn, but Gaara pisses me off sometimes. Sure, the guy is my friend and he's cool most of the times but sometimes, he's just so..."

"Naruto, I want to," Sasuke said and swallowed. He reached out with a hand, dragged it along Naruto's arm and felt him shiver. "Again. With you."

The boyfriend didn't look at Sasuke; his eyes were focused at the ceiling. His body was tense. It was silent for a long time, except for the clock ticking on the wall. The room was dark, but streams of streetlight lights came in from the windows to shine on the walls.

"Why would you want that?" Naruto said eventually.

It was Sasuke's turn to open his mouth and close it again without having made a sound. Why did he want that? Because he wanted to practice? Maybe he just liked experiencing quite horrible things?

"Because," Sasuke said, struggled to find the words. "It's part of being together. It's..."

"It's not part of anything," Naruto sounded surprised and sad, turned to look at Sasuke. "It's just... just this thing that people do and they say they like it, but that doesn't mean we have to. We can be together without... that."

"I didn't mean it like that," Sasuke inched closer and felt his knee bump into Naruto's leg. He struggled with the words again. "That was the closest I've ever been to anyone. Physically. I liked... that. Being that close to you."

Naruto looked suddenly angry. His eyes were shiny, like they should be sad, but they weren't. They held onto Sasuke's tightly.

"You can't tell me that you liked it," he said. Despite the anger in his eyes, the warm and sticky hands that found Sasuke's hands under the blanket were soft. Maybe he wasn't angry with Sasuke. "I'm not an idiot, Sasuke. It was obvious that you didn't like it."

"I was having a bad day," Sasuke both hated and loved how simple it sounded. "I was nervous, it was... intense, I... I remembered things I thought I had forgotten."

Naruto frowned but Sasuke hurried to continue before he could ask and Sasuke would have to lie.

"It wasn't because of you," he said. "You were not horrible. I liked being close to you. You were..."

'_Wonderful'? 'Great'? 'Perfect'?_

'_Couldn't have been more caring and careful and gentle.'_

But he couldn't say that. Could he? It felt too...

"I knew," Naruto said before Sasuke could finish. His hand pressed closer to Sasuke's. He had looked away. Down. "I knew that something was wrong and I knew you weren't sure, but I... I thought it would be okay. And I... I wanted to."

"I wanted to," Sasuke said.

"But you...!"

"Naruto," Sasuke put his hands on either side of his boyfriend's face and locked the blue eyes in place with his own. "I'm sorry if this makes you angry, but you're not strong enough to do anything to me that I don't want you to do."

Naruto pouted. A slightly sad and slightly frustrated pout.

"I didn't mean it like that," he muttered. He fiddled with Sasuke's underwear and somehow it was innocent. He had trouble looking Sasuke in the eyes.

"I'm happy that it was you," Sasuke almost whispered and turned one of his hands to let the back of his fingers gently caress the cheek. Naruto was blushing and the pout became more defined.

"You are?"

Sasuke nodded. Naruto sighed; looked toward the ceiling, then toward the wall, then toward their feet. Then back again.

"I'm happy it was you too," he said; then his voice turned into almost a whine. "At the same time, I'm not. I... I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to be really nice and I sucked."

"You did not suck," Sasuke had to struggle not to smile at how the dialogue suddenly turned in the kindergarten direction. "I sucked."

"You did not suck!" Naruto protested. "You... Y-you were great."

"I didn't do anything," Sasuke knew he should be embarrassed to admit it, and he was, but the mood made it easier. Naruto struggled for a while before finding the words.

"W-well, you're pretty damn good then!" he said.

Sasuke couldn't help but snort a half-croaked laugh. Naruto was smiling. His eyes were still glittering. They had inched even closer to each other. Their legs were cuddling, Naruto had his arms around Sasuke's hips and Sasuke had his around Naruto's neck. It was sort of uncomfortable for their limbs but Sasuke didn't care and it seemed neither did Naruto.

"Do you know what Shikamaru said?" Sasuke asked eventually and Naruto shook his head. "He said that we just need some practice."

"Have you been discussing our sex life with Shikamaru?" Naruto asked and Sasuke had to snort at the 'our sex life' part. Though... maybe they did have a sex life now. Was it enough to do it once?

"It's not like you haven't done that already," Sasuke said.

Naruto frowned for a second before remembering that time they first met, boyfriend and friend.

"Oh yeah... But that doesn't count, does it?"

"Sure it counts."

Naruto nodded thoughtfully. But when Sasuke thought more about it and he was getting a little confused. That would meant they had a sex life even before they had sex, wouldn't it? Before they did it all the way. Did jerking each other off count as sex? If it did, Sasuke would have had sex with Neji, right?

"No," Sasuke cleared his throat. "I changed my mind, I don't think it counts."

"No?" Naruto was frowning.

"No," Sasuke shook his head. There was a pause as Naruto seemed to do some thinking.

"So you were the first one to discuss our sex life with Shikamaru?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "Sorry."

Naruto scrunched up his nose in a smile.

"Practice, huh?"

Something in the blond's eyes made Sasuke very aware of the hands on his back and their closeness to each other, aware of his heart and the heat.

"That's what he said."

"You know, that makes sense actually," Naruto frowned and seemed to think some more. "It would explain why Gaara always brags about his sex life. Lee is really serious when it comes to practicing."

"That so?" Sasuke swallowed. He didn't really want to know about Lee and Gaara's sex life.

"Yeah," Naruto inched even closer; blushing; shy and amused. "But I can be pretty serious about practicing too. When I put my mind to it."

Sasuke felt a mouth nuzzle up against his throat, but there came no kisses. Just nuzzling.

"I used to be in the same club as Lee," Naruto mumbled. "I was really focused on practicing. I could forget about everything else, school and sleep. I probably wouldn't have eaten if Iruka hadn't told me to."

Sasuke swallowed. His heart was beating hard. Naruto's arms wrapped hard around him and his body pressed close to him. Their legs entwined. They shared their heat with each other and grew hard. A very slow, sort of almost thrusting dance had almost started and Sasuke's arms wrapped around Naruto.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I can get really stubborn about practicing," Naruto breathed. Sasuke shifted his face closer and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's ear before murmuring.

"I want to practice now."

Naruto pressed himself even closer. Harder.

"Alright," he said. Then he put his hands on Sasuke's face and pushed them apart far enough to kiss him. It was a slow, deep and hungry kiss; and hard. His tongue was acting more like a ten ton train than something faster. Sasuke let his tongue play too. No, not play. This was not play. It was something else. Serious practice? Naruto seemed more mature about this than he usually was.

His hands started roaming; they slipped down Sasuke's arms, to his hips. One of them grabbed the back of one of Sasuke's legs and pulled it forward; placed it over Naruto's and left Sasuke exposed. The hands moved under the underwear and went where they hadn't been for two days. Over two days, not counting the elevator.

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut. His heart was racing and he remembered the pain from last time. The pain on the inside, but also the actual, physical one. Or rather, only the actual, physical one. For some reason, the only thought in Sasuke's mind that had to do with his older brother was 'I'm not thinking about him,' and it wasn't a lie. But the memory of the actual, physical pain was enough to make Sasuke anxious. It hadn't been the most pleasant thing he had experienced in his life.

"You're so warm," Naruto mumbled.

The hands and fingers were so bold that Sasuke was struck with the thought that maybe the boyfriend was trying to make him change his mind. 'This is what you say you want,' it seemed like the hands were saying as they explored the split in Sasuke's backside with a child's curiosity, as if they hadn't been there before. The fingers didn't go in but they ran around the place and pressed slightly at the tight muscle.

'_Are you sure? Do you know what you're saying? Are you really sure? Will I have to blame myself again for doing it when you say you want to but don't really mean what you say? Do you mean what you say? Are you sure?' _

It chased at the nervousness, realizing, and brought focus to Sasuke. It brought him back to what was happening now and pushing away what had been last time. Naruto had left kissing his mouth and was pressing his lips to Sasuke's throat instead. Sasuke's insides felt so warm that he was surprised he wasn't sweating more than he was, not that he wasn't sweating enough. The sheets would be soaked by the time this was over. Again. Sasuke really wanted to do this again? But right after the hesitation came determination.

'_Yes. I want to be close to him. Closer, closer. This is not enough. I don't want to be the only one inside me.'_

Sasuke's stomach swirled and he had to smile at his own boldness as one of his hands left its place around Naruto's neck to wander lower. He found the hard-on and smiled even more as Naruto flinched and made a surprised, moan-ish sound, the hands on Sasuke's ass squeezing in what had to be reflex. Nails dug into that intimate inside of flesh. Sasuke stroked and Naruto breathed hard on his ear.

"Sasuke..." the breath formed words after a while.

"Yes?"

"You really... want to?"

"It's like you want me to say 'no'," Sasuke mumbled, kept stroking; they were so close to each other now that they shared each other's sweat. Naruto kept moaning and breathing hard between his words. Whining.

"M-maybe I do," he panted. "In a way. It would..." Sasuke squeezed the rest of his words into a whine. Not all the moisture on his fingers was sweat. "... No. No, don't say 'no'."

"I don't want to say no," Sasuke smiled at Naruto's neck. He gave one last stroke and squeeze before pulling away and wiping his hand off on Naruto's leg before reaching over him, grabbing his boyfriend's pants.

"What are you...?"

"We will need some things," Sasuke said, looked down at the guy below him and smiled because it had been said before, hadn't it? Naruto was blushing. Or it could just have been the heat; or that he was horny.

Sasuke was nervous, he was, but... At the same time he wasn't. Or... he was. But it came in waves. Slow, slow waves with few and not very tall peaks. He wondered what the hell he was doing, throwing himself into this damned thing again. It hadn't even been that nice. Yes, what he had told Naruto was true, but the things he hadn't said were true as well. It hadn't been all nice, so why again? He kept asking himself. Telling himself to think it through again and again; had told himself for quite some time now, only... Only he wouldn't listen. Damned Shikamaru for planting that practice seed of hope into his system.

Sasuke was digging through Naruto's pants, checking the pockets. Naruto's breathing could still be heard and one of his hands was lazily caressing the back of Sasuke's thigh, now and then moving up to slide over his ass. Sasuke found himself wondering if maybe the turn had come to his ass now, like Naruto had had the nipple phase. With the amount of touching his backside had received lately, it wasn't entirely unlikely. Not unlikely at all actually.

"If he expected us to do something," Sasuke said to distract himself. "Gaara wouldn't have just put lube in your pants, would he?"

"I suppose," Naruto's thoughtful frown could be heard in his voice. "Though... He could have. It would be just like him to make us think we had all the stuff and then laugh at us in the morning when we're all frustrated. Or make us do it without... you know?"

A curl of warmth invaded Sasuke at the thought of doing it without; though he could understand if Naruto wouldn't want to, as he was the one that was going to... well. And it had to be even messier that way. Naruto wouldn't just be in him, he would actually, physically leave something behind. Still he couldn't stop himself from liking the thought. They would be even closer like that.

But before he could say anything, Sasuke's attention was drawn away as he found the small, flat packages; three of them to be exact. He dumped them on Naruto's chest.

"How the hell does he do that?" Naruto looked surprised and for a moment it seemed he'd forgotten that they were almost naked and about to do it again. He glanced at his pants. "Where did you find them?"

As if the condoms were what he should be worried about not noticing. Sasuke raised a brow and Naruto understood.

"Right," he muttered, slightly embarrassed. "I'll go get the lube."

But as he heaved to sit up, Sasuke pushed him back down again.

"I've already got it."

Naruto frowned. Sasuke moved to the other side of their mattresses and unraveled his bundle of clothes. The boyfriend caught the tube as it was thrown to him.

"You planned for this?" Naruto looked surprised again, even more so this time. He seemed a little stunned. Sasuke shrugged and a peak in those slow waves of nervousness chose that moment to float through him.

"A little."

"Don't run away from me," Naruto said. His eyes suddenly filled with seriousness; and sadness. "You can punch me in the face or kick me in the nuts or do whatever you feel like if I do anything wrong, but... Don't leave."

There was no whining or pleading; just 'don't do that to me.' The nervousness was ripped away completely as Sasuke found himself invaded with guilt. But instead of being guilty alone he moved closer. He put his hands on either side of Naruto's face and pushed their foreheads together.

"I can't promise that I'll never run away from you again," Sasuke said, truthfully. "I don't want to, but... It's just... something I do, sometimes; when I can't handle the situation I'm in. I've done it with Kakashi, with Shikamaru; not just once. I've done it with you. I just need the distance sometimes. But..."

Sasuke swallowed. Naruto had put his hands on his arms. Sasuke's eyes were blurred, it was difficult to see.

"... But I will promise that I won't run away this time. I will be here when you wake up tomorrow."

There was just silence and stillness and closeness and them for many heartbeats. There was warmth and hands and togetherness and that feeling in Sasuke's stomach that felt like if it had had a color, it would be pink. Then Naruto suddenly smiled, chuckled a 'wet from emotions' chuckle and sniffed.

"Oh, you think there will be any sleeping tonight?" he said. Sasuke couldn't help but smile too. When he blinked wetness found its way between his eyelids, down his cheeks.

"There won't?"

Naruto shook his head. Sniffled again and still smiling, he dragged his hands up and wrapped arms around Sasuke's neck. Sasuke let himself be pulled closer.

"I'm not just really stubborn about practicing," Naruto said softly, too softly for what he was saying. "I also have incredible stamina."

Then they kissed; slow and soft and deep and Sasuke found himself intoxicated. Even more intoxicated. For a while it was almost like any one of their jerk off sessions and hands wandered over naked skin, over arms and chests and thighs and hard-ons. Sasuke played paybacks and paid extra attention to Naruto's nipples, with both fingers and mouth. He was nervous about what was happening, but it could be ignored for now. Naruto focused less on Sasuke's ass than Sasuke had thought he would; he was nervous too it seemed and his hands stayed in the thigh and leg area.

Now and then they leaned back up to press their lips together; to slide tongue against tongue and moan into each other's mouths. It was slower than their usual jerk off sessions. Where they usually were in a hurry to get to the real stuff, now it felt better to take the time. But it was not just because they were worried or nervous, not like last time. There was something in the mood this time. They weren't in a hurry because... there was nothing they needed to accomplish, or so it felt to Sasuke. Whatever expectations Sasuke had had on this night had gone missing. He still wanted to but... It wouldn't have been a failure if they didn't, if they changed their minds.

Sasuke remembered having heard someone say that the second time was even trickier than the first, but he couldn't understand that at all. They were just touching, just being close to each other, getting harder and warmer and even closer.

When he eventually felt it was time, Sasuke grabbed a hold of Naruto with arms and legs and rolled onto his back. He felt Naruto's weight press him further down into the mattress and heard them both moan as their crotches met. He kissed the boyfriend on the mouth. The blue eyes were glazed over, his skin shining with sweat and his lips red. Sasuke licked his own and breathed out a shaky lungful of air over Naruto's jaw.

"Do you..." Naruto breathed. "...want to top this time?"

Sasuke's heart jumped at that idea. Hands were trailing circles on his spread thighs. But he shook his head.

"No," he said. "I don't want to change anything. I want... what you did last time."

He did. Really did. Because last time had been... It hadn't just been about them. To Naruto it may have been but to Sasuke it had been half about Itachi, fucked up as that may sound. Sasuke hadn't planned it to be, of course, but that was how it had ended up. His messed up head and those memories had stolen away the... the point, in a way. The focus had been switched, the actions had been... But maybe it wasn't just his head and Itachi. There had been so much nervousness too, so many thoughts about other things, so much... Sasuke wasn't sure what it had been about, that last time.

So he wanted this to make up for that. He wanted this time to be the same, but different. The same, but about them. Just him and Naruto.

"Okay," Naruto said and Sasuke could see him swallow. But he hesitated. Gnawed at his lip.

Yes, there he was again. That hesitating, worrying, 'what if I screw up?' part of Sasuke's confident, optimistic, 'I'll die before I give up' boyfriend. The 'before the decision' Naruto. But they had already decided, hadn't they? It was like this part of Naruto had hoped he wouldn't have to go through with it.

For a moment Sasuke wondered if he had strengthened that hesitation part in Naruto. Worrying about losing what you cared for seemed to have infected Sasuke's very soul, and as Naruto had affected Sasuke, had Sasuke affected Naruto back? Had Naruto affected Sasuke? Oh, yes. It was hard to put a finger on exactly where but... Sasuke had been affected. He was in love; that had to count for something. But Sasuke did not want to think now. This was not the time for thinking.

"I won't run away," Sasuke whispered and kissed the boyfriend softly.

Naruto closed his eyes and his mouth answered. Softly, slowly. At first. Then he grew stronger. Sasuke pressed himself against Naruto and Naruto grew more confident.

"No. Because I won't let you," he mumbled as his hands gripped Sasuke's hips.

The second kiss was hard, slow and heavy; tongue came into Sasuke's mouth as he reached out with his own. Naruto's weight pressed down on him and it made him feel safe, again. The friction was enough to get him high. Then the weight lifted and Sasuke felt hands pull at his underwear. He raised his ass off the mattress and let the piece of clothing be pulled away from him. Air reached his uncovered skin and his heart beat. For a moment it seemed like Naruto was hesitating again, but when Sasuke opened his eyes to look at the blond (When had he closed them?), he did not find hesitation. He found amazement, adoration; 'what if I wake up now?' Sasuke couldn't help but smile as his insides were caressed by a gentle warmth that could be nothing but gratitude and love. So silly. So silly and so inescapable. And for some reason, so welcome.

It was replaced by a moan and eyes falling closed again when Naruto softly traced the back of his fingers up Sasuke's hard-on. It was a cruelly ticklish feeling, but only for a moment. The fingers retreated and the body hovering over Sasuke's shifted as Naruto pulled his own underwear down, before Sasuke had time to offer his assistance.

Sasuke settled for dragging his hands along Naruto's legs and hips. Taking a tour around his boyfriend's waist and giving some payback tickling to the crotch area. It was so warm. Inside and on their skin, sticky from sweat and love. Fingers didn't run smoothly; they stopped here and there as moisture grabbed a hold of them. Legs entangled and they pressed together again. Their breathing could be heard and so could the shifting of their bodies.

Naruto's hands streamed down Sasuke's face, over his throat, to his chest, to his sides. Softly at first, just to be there; as if tracing fine lines. Sasuke could feel them forming on his skin. There was nervousness. He could feel it inside himself and see it in Naruto's eyes. Naruto was worried and hesitating and all that still; 'what if I screw up?' But he stayed. He didn't back down; he didn't let that hesitation manifest in his actions. Naruto knew it for what it was, Sasuke was sure of it. It's just fear, Naruto knew. Brave, brave young man.

'Give me some of that,' Sasuke's mind whispered. 'Affect me. I want to be given your courage.'

Sasuke's stomach swirled suddenly and he realized he'd made up his mind. He hadn't even known he had contemplated doing it before he had decided. For a half-second Sasuke was so nervous he thought it would kill him.

That unphysical things could threaten one's life like this. Death by nervousness. Wouldn't that make a nice result of an autopsy? And the reason for the nervousness that killed him would have been even more poignant.

'_This not so brave young man died because he could not face the thought of telling another, very brave young man that he was in...'_

But Sasuke threw himself over the edge of the cliff anyway.

"I'm in love with you."

Naruto stopped moving with a jerk, like he'd been suddenly bit by something. Such surprise. It was almost comical. His mouth opened and he blinked.

Sasuke had to smile; because of the look on his boyfriend's face and because the nervousness had fled his body suddenly and left him feeling much lighter. There was nothing else that could be done. His eyes burned and the world grew blurred. When he blinked Sasuke could see that Naruto was smiling as well. A big grin that seemed uncontrollable. His eyes almost closed as his face wrinkled in happiness, but what could be seen of them was shiny.

Sasuke raised his hands and cradled Naruto's face. The boyfriend sniffled and if it could have the grin would have grown even bigger. Two streams of glittering tears ran from those very blue eyes and over Sasuke's fingers.

"You're amazing," Naruto mumbled, as if it was hard to find words but he had to say something. He sniffled again and wiped at his nose with the back of a hand and bumped into Sasuke's wrist in the process.

"Have I told you that yet?" he raised his voice, and then cleared it. Swallowed and blinked and wiped at his eyes again. Stopped moving and just looked at Sasuke.

"I don't know," Sasuke shook his head.

"Well," Naruto said and moved his mouth closer so that his words were puffs of breath against Sasuke's still present smile. "Now I have."

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	63. Ground

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 10th 2007, Monday  
second version: December 30th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**63: Ground**

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Naruto was having a great dream. He was sitting on the edge of a skyscraper and it was the tallest skyscraper ever, he was sure. Above him were nothing but clouds and sky and an occasional bird. It was as quiet as it could be this high up where there was nothing but him and the clouds and sky and occasional bird. The wind came to whistle softly in his ears now and then, but that was about it. Not even his feet hitting the concrete as he kicked with his legs made sounds. If he were to think about it, why his feet didn't make sounds, it would make him frown and get confused; and that would most likely wake him up; so he didn't think about it. This was a great dream after all. Naruto could see the houses and smaller skyscrapers if he looked down and they weren't bigger than bugs it seemed. The cars weren't even visible. If you squinted really hard you might see a crawling blur, like a trail of wandering lice or something, only smaller; that might be those cars. But it wasn't the view really that made the dream so great. It was the feeling on the inside. Naruto was feeling something. It was warm and fuzzy and it went really well together with his stomach. His stomach liked it very much, that feeling. He just couldn't stop grinning.

Then Sasuke was there. Beautiful, amazing Sasuke stood on the edge next to Naruto; his hair somehow managed to flow in the air and his skin sparkled and his being was glowing. His clothes were black but the color had never seemed so bright- Naruto grabbed onto Sasuke's leg and Sasuke folded himself to wrap his very self around Naruto. Such relief, such warmth and such brightness. They were together. Finally. Sasuke crouched down and looked into Naruto's eyes. He was smiling with his entire face, eyes and mouth and everything. If it hadn't been a dream, Naruto wouldn't have believed it.

"Let's go," Sasuke said.

Naruto grinned.

"Yeah!"

He took Sasuke's hand and let himself be pulled to his feet. For a second he was absolutely terrified as Sasuke stepped off the building, out into the air, but the second after he remembered that this was the walkable air that came with all tallest skyscrapers ever. He felt stupid for forgetting.

"We're going to the beach, aren't we?" Naruto asked as they walked, hand in hand, toward the ground.

"Yeah," Sasuke said and looked over his shoulder, still smiling that amazing smile with his whole face and still glowing like he was one those holy guys that people worshipped. "I'm going to ride you until you wake up."

Naruto almost stumbled in the air as the thought ran through him. Lying on his back with Sasuke seated on top of him, the beautiful bare legs pressed to his sides and Sasuke's insides pressed hard around him. Sasuke moving. His stomach muscles clenching and hips rolling, eyes closed and forehead wrinkled and mouth half-open, in bliss. His skin was glistening from sweat because he was so eager and moved so fervently.

Oh yes.

"Alright!" Naruto almost shouted and willed their pace to increase considerably. Yes, Sasuke had said 'until you wake up', which would indicate that he wouldn't wake up before Sasuke had gotten those bright, black clothes off his amazing body and let Naruto come into him, but you couldn't trust dreams. Dreams could change in a second, without notice or a chance to refuse to have it changed. Dreams were fickle, annoying things that...

Unless they made it to that beach in time, of course. If they made it to that beach, dreams were kick ass things that ruled the world. They just had to...

"No, he is not," a voice said behind them and they had to stop. Somehow they had already arrived at the ground and stood on a street in the city. There were people around them and cars and shops but everything was a blur compared to that voice and Sasuke's hand in Naruto's.

Naruto's insides were curled in chill. He slowly looked over his shoulder and yes, there Iruka was, standing five seconds of running behind them looking... so angry that Naruto wished it was five years of running instead of seconds. His mind was chaos incarnate; which sort of made it a good thing that his body seemed unable to obey the commands being thrown at it. 'Run!', 'Curl up and die!', 'Say something!', 'Start screaming!', 'Blame Sasuke!', 'Start crying!'

Stupid mind. But what did you do?

For a moment nothing happened. They stood there. Iruka was angry. Naruto's mind was crazy; and his heart too. Sasuke's hand was warm. Then clarity and determination came all at once and when it was there everything felt so obvious that it was hard to believe that that first doubt had been at all. Naruto turned around and turned Sasuke with him by the hand.

"Yes he is," he said. "We're going to the beach and we're going to have sex and it doesn't matter if you hate it."

The people and cars around them had disappeared, as things tended to do in dreams when it was time. Naruto felt strong. Sasuke's hand was warm.

"Naruto," Iruka said. He came closer.

"No," Naruto said and stood still and squeezed the hand in his.

"Naruto, wake up."

"No! I am up. You just don't want us to...! I... I am..."

Naruto frowned. Wait a minute... He wasn't up.

At that moment Sasuke hissed Naruto's name and what felt much like an angry elbow connected with the side of his head. Naruto was snatched from the dream city street with disappeared cars and people and Sasuke's warm hand and landed on a mattress with a warm blanket over him and his face buried between a pillow and warm, slightly moist skin.

"Ow," he slurred/mumbled as his consciousness crawled its way through the rude, irritating waking up process. "What?"

And it had been such a good dream, with such good potential. The beach, sun, sand. Sasuke. Sex. He should have been there now, should have been there, if it hadn't been for that frustrating, spoiler of all fun...

"You're both grounded," Iruka said.

Naruto's eyes flew open and he hit his head again on Sasuke's angry elbow as he struggled to sit up. Yes. There he was. He was not at all unlike the Iruka in the dream, only this real one seemed much closer and somehow even more angry. There was something in his eyes. The living room was bright with morning sun and Naruto found it hurt his eyes. His head throbbed where Sasuke's elbow had connected twice. It was a quite welcome hurt however, as it took some of the attention away from the other parts of the situation.

Sasuke sat under the blanket next to Naruto, closer to Iruka than Naruto was. He was not entirely sunshine, Naruto knew Sasuke enough by now to know that. And even if he hadn't known Sasuke that well, the angry elbow, the angry hissing before and the rigidness of the beautiful, quite naked body said more than enough. The menacing energy hitting Naruto in wave after wave, making him want to scratch his skin, did not confuse things. No, Sasuke was not sunshine.

Naruto's heart was hammering and his mind was going crazy again. One might think that it would be easier to find the right words when he had so recently gone through the same chaotic process, but no. It was not easier this time. Well, the situation wasn't exactly the same either. Naruto couldn't use the line he had found last time now. 'Yes he is' just didn't fit. 'Yes we are' maybe, but... no. And the stuff about sex and the beach was just murder. Murder of all the rest of the fun Naruto was supposed to have before he became an adult.

What did you do? Couldn't Sasuke say something?

"F-for... how long?" Naruto croaked eventually, hesitatingly.

Iruka's eyes narrowed. His arms were crossed over his chest.

"From now on."

"Okay," Naruto cleared his throat when the word sounded more like a squeak than a human voice. It was silent and highly uncomfortable and menacing for several more heart beats before Iruka spoke again.

"Get dressed and come to the kitchen." Then he turned and walked out. The menacing mood did not leave with him however. It was not over. No way. It hadn't even begun.

As soon as they were alone, Sasuke started groping for his clothes. They were pretty much everywhere and mixed with Naruto's. Naruto couldn't help but notice the kissing marks covering the pale skin, as Sasuke leaned over in this direction and that, reaching for pieces of clothing. He'd been that busy, huh? He wondered if Sasuke knew how visible they were; how Iruka must have noticed.

"You're going like that?" Sasuke muttered without looking at Naruto; shifting, pulling his underwear up his legs. Naruto couldn't help but watch almost entranced as the cloth went up, hiding the parts of Sasuke that were personal but he had had full access to just hours before.

He wanted to do it again. Now? Was he an idiot?

Naruto's mind came back to the world when Sasuke threw the blanket off him and pulled his shirt over his head. Naruto acted on instinct. He crawled forward, reached around and turned Sasuke's head. He pressed a kiss to the lips before he could punch or pull away or snarl. For a moment it seemed like Sasuke would snarl, or pull away anyway; like his muscles wanted to. But he didn't, and then his body softened and he breathed out through his nose and opened up a little; he gave Naruto's tongue a small, gentle lick when it came to ask if everything was okay.

They had stayed up last night talking for a long time, about silly things and deeper things, thoughts and happenings, things that shouldn't matter but mattered anyway because it was them and the after-glow of what they had done. When they eventually fell asleep, Sasuke had had an arm cradling Naruto's head and Naruto had had his face pressed to Sasuke's chest. The smell of sex had been close as consciousness drifted away.

The kiss was broken and Naruto pulled back. They looked at each other. The raging heart in Naruto's chest had slowed down and there was only a soft murmur left of the anxiety that had curled so close to him just seconds before.

"Are you angry?" he whispered.

"No," Sasuke mumbled. Then he looked frustrated. "Yes. Don't know at what though." He sighed softly. "We should have gone home."

"I know," Naruto said. "I'll tell him. It was my..."

"You didn't tie me to a chair and make me stay."

"No," Naruto grumbled. "But..."

"We stayed," Sasuke looked determined. "It doesn't matter who came up with the idea. It's not like we can go back and change our minds anyway."

Naruto looked into the dark eyes and had to wonder if they were more beautiful now than they had been before. Did sex make people more beautiful?

"I don't want to go back and change my mind," he said eventually. "I love what happened here."

Sasuke looked embarrassed at first, then a tint of win bled through his barriers and formed a small smile on his lips.

"So do I," he said.

Naruto couldn't stay unaffected when Sasuke smiled like that, so he smiled as well; he moved closer to those slightly moist, very inviting and smiling-for-him lips. But before he could quite reach, Sasuke started talking.

"It hurts when I move around," he said in a low voice that seemed somewhat different from how it usually sounded.

Naruto frowned, confused, but before he could say anything Sasuke continued.

"I suppose it's more a burn than a real hurt. When I put on my clothes. When I move my legs. But it's not bad."

There was something in his tone. Something... A Gaara quality, when Gaara was being teasing and frustrating; only here with Sasuke it was... arousing. Naruto supposed that he should think more about the situation and angry Iruka being so close by; but he was a teenager and thus arousing boyfriends would always triumph over angry parents.

"I kind of like it," Sasuke's voice had lowered even more and his mouth had found a place just next to Naruto's ear. "It reminds me of you. Like a part of you is still there."

Naruto swallowed. There. He really wanted to do it again. Maybe they could... sneak off to the bathroom when no one was looking and... there had been more than just one condom, right? And still plenty of lube left.

Naruto pushed his mouth to Sasuke's neck; it was close and inviting. One of his hands wandered under Sasuke's shirt to rest on his side.

Iruka was long gone. The fact that he always got angrier when kept waiting and that he must have driven here in the middle of the night (was Kakashi here as well?) didn't matter. The kitchen was so far away it was silly.

"I want to still be there."

"Still?" the amusement in Sasuke's voice was clear; his skin tightened and pushed up to form goose bumps against Naruto's lips.

"Yeah," Naruto mumbled. "I never want to leave."

"Like a rope," Sasuke's words were so low that Naruto didn't think he had meant to really speak them. Which made sense. It was a strange thing to say. But he understood. He pulled closer and he understood.

"Yeah. Like a rope."

He could feel Sasuke's heartbeats.

Iruka said 'don't make me say it again,' in a stern voice, somewhere outside the living room. It brought the tension back somewhat, but not nearly as much as perhaps it should. Naruto smiled. Sasuke's skin was warm and it was alright. They could put air between each other again; get dressed and move on.

Iruka and Kakashi sat next to each other at the kitchen table, two empty chairs waiting opposite them. The ones that actually lived in the apartment, Shikamaru and his parents, were nowhere to be seen. (What kind of parents were they anyway? Where they never home?). Lee and Gaara weren't there either and something in the mood told Naruto that they were most unlikely to come to the rescue.

The tension fully returned in the kitchen. The arousal and feeling of alrightness were pushed away by the surge of guilt that came to squeeze Naruto's heart. Iruka and Kakashi must have found the note when they came back. They must have been happy, smiling, calling Naruto's name and Sasuke's and waited but no one had come. Shikamaru must have been right when he said that Kakashi would know who he was. They must have gone way past the speed limits when they drove here. Iruka must have been so worried.

Naruto remembered that time when he had gone to play with Lee after school. They had intended to go straight to Lee's place and call Iruka, but the woods on the way there had been so much fun and time had moved much faster than usual. Darkness had come faster than it was supposed to. Iruka had been so angry. Gai had seemed to have been confident they were alright, not as easily worried as Iruka was, but Iruka had said you never knew. It didn't matter how strong or how clever or used to your surroundings you were. Anything could happen, you never knew. The scariest thing for a parent was having your child disappear, Iruka had said.

"Sit down," Kakashi said. His voice was as serious as the expression on his face and that seriousness matched Iruka's. It was a first, seeing Kakashi wearing an expression like that. It made the situation even more real and bordering on scary.

Sasuke took the chair closest to the window, opposite Kakashi, and Naruto sat down opposite Iruka. The clock was ticking on the wall. The situation somewhat reminded Naruto of yesterday, when Gaara and Lee and Shikamaru had been sitting here.

"Well then," Iruka said. "You left the house. You went to the city alone. You're skipping school."

Oh yeah. Today was Monday. Huh. Funny how time could fly when you were having... err, fun. Part of Naruto had become suddenly suicidal and wanted to say 'you forgot having sex and not eating the stuff in the fridge, and freezer. Oh, and consorting with gangs and trespassing.' Fortunately the rest of him wanted to live and have sex again so it managed to fight down the rebellion. Naruto was fiddling with his hands under the table and his feet refused to stay still.

"Tell us how you think we felt when we came home to find our children gone," Iruka finished and his eyes grabbed a hold of Naruto's as if with meat hooks. It hurt physically. But Naruto was suddenly frustrated amongst the guilt; they had known where they were, otherwise they wouldn't be here, right? And it wasn't like Iruka knew about the scary things that had happened. It has just been a sleepover. 'We're not children anymore!' he wanted to exclaim. 'We can take the bus to a friend's house and sleep over.'

"I... We left a note," he muttered.

"Oh!" Iruka exclaimed. "That makes it okay? Guess you should tell that to burglars before they steal your Playstation or our car."

"That... That's not the same thing! You knew where we were! You're here, aren't you?"

"We did not know where you were. We knew where you intended to be. There are countless of dead or missing children that only intended to go to the playground. We set rules for a reason, Naruto."

Naruto wanted to protest. He wanted to do the 'we're not children' thing and add a 'could you be a little more dramatic?' But he couldn't stop thinking about what had really happened, what Iruka didn't know of. He was closer to the truth than he knew. It was scary. They could have been killed, couldn't they? At least Naruto could have been, and Lee and Gaara. It made it difficult to find good arguments.

"It doesn't matter how confident you are that you can handle yourself," Iruka's eyes let Naruto's go and moved to Sasuke. "You were not allowed."

"Why are you skipping school?" Kakashi asked and shifted the focus away from Iruka immediately. He had not interrupted, it was just his turn to speak. There was a flow and a unity to the pair on the other side of the table suddenly that was as impressive as it was scary.

"W-well, we..." Naruto's brain worked frantically. 'Because I didn't want the note to be a lie? Because I wanted that sleepover happy ending?' No, the truth was out of the question. It made no sense. They didn't know about what had really happened and they shouldn't. There was no reason to tell them and every reason to keep quiet.

"We... missed the bus," Naruto lied. "Thought maybe... you'd call when you found out where we were, not drive all the way here."

"Why did you leave a note if you planned to be home before we returned?" Kakashi asked and Iruka pulled out a very familiar piece of paper. Naruto's heart started beating as it was unfolded.

"'To Iruka and Kakashi-san,'" Iruka read. "'We're not here because we're having a sleepover at Shikamaru's house.'" He paused and looked at both Sasuke and Naruto before continuing. "'Because he invited us. Don't worry. We'll be back soon.'" The note was folded and handed to Kakashi before Iruka finished. "'Naruto.'"

"Why just 'Naruto'?" Kakashi asked. "Didn't Sasuke want us to not worry?"

Naruto opened his mouth but found he didn't know what to say. Why hadn't he written Sasuke's name as well? He hadn't thought about that.

"I... We just..." Naruto threw a glance at Sasuke's direction but didn't find any support. His dark fringe hung to cover his eyes and his head was bowed. Naruto swallowed. His eyes flickered back to Iruka, who put his elbows on the table and leaned closer. His eyes were merciless.

"Don't lie to me, Naruto," he said slowly.

Naruto's heart beating drowned out all other sounds. His throat was dried out but he couldn't even find the strength to swallow. What did you do? What did you...?

"I ran away," Sasuke said and Iruka's eyes snapped away from Naruto. The clock started ticking again. Naruto looked and found Sasuke watching Iruka, sometimes moving his gaze to Kakashi.

"Friday night," he said. "I took money from the kitchen for the bus. When Naruto found out he came to find me."

"Why did you run away?" Iruka asked. It was hard to tell whether his anger had lessened or grown.

"I needed to think," Sasuke said. "I was confused. I get like that sometimes, Kakashi knows."

"Yes," Kakashi said. "Yes, you do get like that sometimes. But you didn't come here, did you?"

It was not a question. Iruka frowned and looked at him, then at Sasuke. It was clear that he hadn't even considered the possibility that Sasuke could have gone somewhere else if they were here now.

"Shikamaru would have talked you into going back if you had," Kakashi continued. "He would have called me and he would have made you call Naruto so that he didn't worry. There wouldn't have been a reason for Naruto to go **find** you."

There was some silence before Sasuke answered.

"No. I didn't come here."

"Where did you go?" Iruka asked, sounded like his mood was heading downwards again, if it had ever turned to go up.

"Just this... guy," Sasuke sounded frustrated.

"Iruka, I've told you about Sasuke's gang leader pedophile friend, haven't I?" Kakashi said.

"What?" Iruka said and Naruto could almost hear the crash as his mood hit the bottom of the deepest mood well ever dug. Sasuke sighed in a sarcastic 'thank you' kind of way, cradled his chin in a hand and looked out the window. Naruto tried to not let the pedophile comment get to him. It wasn't like it was news; the freaky old man had been anything but subtle; but it clawed at his insides anyway. Naruto also tried not to think so much about how much Iruka disliked gangs.

"That is the guy you're talking about, right?" Kakashi asked, sounded cheerful without being cheerful.

"Yeah," Sasuke snapped and he looked back to the people looking at him. "You're right. I went to Orochimaru. I smoked and got drunk and slept on his bathroom floor. He didn't touch me."

The last was snarled and he went back to looking out the window.

"This time," Kakashi said. "You have got to be the most idiotic..."

"Anything else?" Iruka's hard voice interrupted Kakashi. "Anything else you want to tell us? Since we're sharing."

Sasuke looked back at him.

"He gave me a job, for summer next year."

"Oh no," Kakashi shook his head and looked amused and furious at the same time. "Not a chance, Sasuke. I'm not letting you near him again."

Iruka put a hand on his arm.

"We'll talk about that later," he said and the tone of his voice left no room for protests from anyone. "Nothing else?"

"We had sex," Naruto blurted before he could change his mind. It seemed like a good way to spread the responsibility; up until now Sasuke had seemed like the only bad guy and that wasn't true.

"Twice," he added. "That was why Sasuke ran away. Err... he ran away because of the first time. The second was... The second time was good."

Naruto glanced to the side. Sasuke looked surprised but not as upset as Naruto had feared. His cheeks were redder than usual. He had been drunk and slept on a bathroom floor?

"Yeah," Sasuke said slowly after a while. "Second time was good."

"And we didn't eat the food in the fridge or in the freezer," Naruto said without taking his eyes away from the dark, beautiful eyes of the utterly stunning guy sitting next to him. "That's it."

Because the trespassing was part of what Kakashi had already revealed, Naruto decided. For a moment Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other, then they both turned their heads to face the foster fathers on the other side of the table.

"Thank you for being honest," Iruka said, though he didn't sound very pleased. "It seems you managed to make a lot stupid choices for just one weekend. Naruto." The man looked at him. "You should have called us, not run off on your own. And you." He turned his eyes to Sasuke. "You shouldn't have run off at all; especially not to people that will ruin your life."

Iruka straightened in his chair. He took a breath and released it with a sigh.

"You already know you're grounded," he said. "We'll see for how long. While you're grounded, Naruto, you're banned from the Playstation. You're banned from seeing your friends outside of school. You're banned from Lee's practice and contests. You will do the dishes every day."

"Okay," Naruto sighed. He'd had worse. At least he would have...

"As 'friends' also include boyfriends, you're banned from Sasuke's room too."

"What?" Naruto whined. "But that's not...!"

"Sasuke," Iruka raised his voice and Naruto was ignored. "You are banned from your music. When we get back home your CDs are getting locked up. You're banned from seeing friends outside of school and you will also do the dishes every day. You're banned from Naruto's room."

Sasuke looked like he thought it had to be a joke; he raised a brow and turned to Kakashi.

"He's serious, Sasuke," the man said and Sasuke's half-amusement ran away as the information sank in.

"And there will be no sex for a month," Iruka said.

Naruto gasped. Sasuke being banned from his room and Naruto being banned from Sasuke's had complicated things, but it had still been completely possible to have sex. Outside was a bit too cold now, but there were school and other rooms in the house; the possibilities were endless really if you were desperate enough and Naruto was fairly sure that they were. They were!

"No! You can't...!"

"Oh, yes I can. You're lucky I don't make it a year. Or three."

"We... We'll do it anyway! You can't...!"

"I can," Iruka said. "You will keep your hands, and all the other parts of your body, outside and away from his pants for a month. You will do that, because if you don't, I **will** know and then you will have your year of celibacy."

"That's... not fair!" Naruto couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't keep away from Sasuke for a month. It was impossible! Even the time they had been apart already was painful. A month? That was like a lifetime! And he knew Iruka was right; he would know. Iruka's radar totally picked up on stuff like that. He always found out.

"And you will be paying our speeding tickets with your allowance," Kakashi said and this time the amusement in his voice seemed sincere.

"Speeding tickets?" Sasuke growled. He was not happy, not happy at all. If it was the loss of his CDs or the sex, Naruto didn't know. Probably both.

"From last night," Iruka said. "There are two of them. We were in a hurry."

Naruto gave a deep sigh of 'I give up' and let his head fall to the table.

"As for school," Iruka continued, as if he hadn't done enough talking already. "I called you in sick. You don't want to know what you've come down with.

Naruto groaned. Maybe they should have gone home after all. They could have had amazing sex at home too. But it was easy to be smart afterwards. No need to get hung up on the 'what ifs'. It was just... one month. They could kiss; Iruka had said nothing about kissing, right? Kissing could get hot too. Yeah, and they could share fantasies. They could write little naughty letters, Iruka had said nothing about that either. And he had said nothing about staying away from their own pants. They could jerk off together, while kissing, in the living room, or the kitchen or the bathroom; or in the shower. Or in school. While sharing fantasies. All it took was some creativity and Naruto was good at that. Kitchen table sex seemed to be popular in the movies.

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	64. Foster father

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 17th 2007, Monday  
second version: January 2nd 2009, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**64: Foster father**

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They had breakfast. Shikamaru's mother had left bread for them on the counter and given them permission to find milk and butter in the fridge, glasses and cups and knives in the cupboards and drawers. They got to use the coffee machine too. She had been reluctant, Kakashi had noticed, but polite; always had been a bit sensitive about others poking around in her kitchen, Shikamaru's mother. Even when the ones poking around were her own family members.

There had been few spoken words while they ate, none of them particularly interested in conversations. The children were grumpy, Iruka was determined to not grow soft and Kakashi didn't know what to say.

Sasuke looked different somehow from the boy Kakashi had left alone with the boyfriend three days ago. It could be just the time; usually the time Kakashi and Sasuke spend away from each other was shorter. It didn't have to have anything to do with what had happened. It was probably just Kakashi being paranoid. But it still wouldn't stop gnawing at him. He felt more conscious of his foster child than he had been before, noticed more of him and more details. Sasuke was grumpy because of his grounding (he hadn't been under this many regulations since he left the hospital those seven years ago), but there was a strange calmness to him. It was a soft thing, a whisper of something.

It was like someone had stripped off everything that could be taken away from Sasuke, until nothing but the core of him remained. Then, when he was as naked as he could be, they had coated him with a layer of a soothing, healing balm, before letting the things that had been stripped away crawl their way back. Sasuke was still there with all his demons, all the frustrating parts of him and all the amazing ones. But that layer of soothing balm was there as well, like... like grease between who he really was and what life had made him into, and it reached out. It crawled through the mess and the good things and touched him, like a branch in spring when the new leaves had just cracked through their shell, caressing a wanderer passing by and making him smile and appreciate the wonders of life. Kakashi was sure the beginning of this week was driving him crazy, putting such weird things in his head, but he just couldn't let it go.

"Because your friend Shikamaru asked that we let you go and see him when we were done here, the consequences of your bad choices will wait until I turn off the car engine when we get home."

Iruka still hadn't dropped his very serious, 'you do not want to face the consequences of not listening to me' voice. Kakashi tried to take his mind off Sasuke's healing balm greased soul by imagining what that voice would be like in the bedroom. It had the interesting result of being terribly hot and terribly horrifying at the same time.

"Then we can...!" Naruto's face lit up like someone had suddenly put a lamp in front of him.

"The no sex rule stays," Iruka cut him off and killed the light immediately.

"You are evil," the blond boy pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed all too much like a child and nothing like a sexually active teenager. Was this really the guy that Kakashi had given permission to sleep with his foster child? Because that was what he had done; not with words maybe, but with actions. His thoughts wandered back to what had been said before, that the first time had been what scared Sasuke into running away and he couldn't help the surge of protectiveness that rushed forward and made him want to punch the pouting child unconscious. At the same time as he felt responsible. He wondered what was with him this morning.

"I'll be whatever I have to be to get you and your bro... your Sasuke, through your childhood alive and unruined," Iruka shrugged and did a good job of looking like he hadn't just almost said the forbidden b-word.

"That has nothing to do with sex!" Naruto exclaimed. "Sex does not kill people!"

"Is that so?" Iruka raised a brow. "Funny, I thought you passed your sexual education course. Maybe I need to talk your teacher and..."

"You...! You're not banning us because you don't want us to die!" Naruto interrupted. "You're banning us because you want us to suffer because we had a sleepover!"

"A sleepover you were not allowed to have," Iruka's voice was hard. "You know you broke the rules, Naruto."

"I didn't know you were gonna take away sex from me!"

"You weren't allowed to have sex in the first place. Hopefully you will remember this the next time you think about breaking the rules. It's not supposed to be funny."

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and sighed loudly. What did Sasuke see in this boy anyway? And why did that matter now? Just a drive to the city and an early morning spent deciding on consequences ago Kakashi had been so sure this was a good thing for Sasuke. Naruto was not a threat, he was a good thing, wasn't that what he had said? _'You're hormonal teenagers, it's not like I could stop you. Better to stay on your good side.'_ But something was different now. Had Sasuke always been this skinny and frail-looking? Was he really almost capable of beating Gai's Lee? Was it because Kakashi knew what had actually happened now? Sasuke had run away and gone to the one place Kakashi had wanted to keep him away from.

"So where should we go and see Shikamaru?" Sasuke asked, his tone a mix between tired, frustrated and pissed off.

"They went to our old apartment; him and Lee and Gaara," Kakashi found himself saying; he was smiling too, wasn't he? "Apparently Shikamaru has made friends with the son of the family who bought the place."

"Really?" Sasuke did not look the slightest bit happy about that, more the opposite. It was probably something territorial. He had lived in that apartment for a long time.

"The boy came over while you two were sleeping," Kakashi continued. "He wanted to return something and they all left together, him, Shikamaru, Lee and Gaara."

"Your old apartment?" Naruto seemed excited despite the sudden birth and death of a chance for more sex. "Is it far?"

"No," Kakashi said and he didn't want to smile but it was like someone had glued it to his lips. "It's close."

"No one told me that," Naruto pouted again, not as much this time but it made him look just as childish.

"I was going to show you before we left," Sasuke said and he sounded less grumpy when he said it. Less grounded and sexless.

"You were?"

"Yeah."

Their voices softened, slightly but it was unmistakable. Words spoken between people in love. Lovers. The feeling in Kakashi's stomach was like an angry gathering of bees. Since when was he the father with the shotgun? Foster father. And with a son instead of a daughter. 'Go near my child and I will shoot.' After all those 'for an hour or two' boyfriends? It made no sense at all.

"But I want to talk to you before you go, Sasuke," Kakashi said. He had finally managed to get rid of that annoying smile. Sasuke noticed; it showed in his eyes.

"Okay," he said.

"I'm sure Iruka will have something to occupy Naruto with," Kakashi said. There was a moment of hesitation and tension in the kitchen, three eyes focused on Kakashi.

"I did tell Shikamaru's mother not to worry about the dishes," Iruka said eventually.

Naruto grumbled something that couldn't be translated into words that could be understood.

They took Shikamaru's room. Kakashi went first and Sasuke followed some steps behind. When the door closed the sound of Iruka and Naruto moving glasses and things in the kitchen was muffled. Kakashi turned and found Sasuke with his arms crossed over his chest.

"You're going to yell me now?" the foster child muttered.

"Do you want me to yell at you?" Kakashi asked.

Sasuke snorted.

"No. I think you've done enough."

"I was worried about you, Sasuke."

The foster child looked away, looked surly but there was a sliver of guilt dancing on his face and pose. Kakashi moved closer to him.

"I can't believe you're going to let him take my CDs," Sasuke said and his eyes focused on Kakashi's like they were a weapon. "I know you've threatened, but you've always known better than to actually do it."

"Actually, that was my idea," Kakashi said.

Sasuke looked surprised, frowned, but only for a second; then he snarled and gave the floor a held-back kick. Was he angrier now that he was out of the blond's presence? It seemed silly, but the thought still gnawed.

"I want you to know that we mean what we say," Kakashi said before Sasuke could express his frustration with words. It did distract the foster child from sharing what must have been resting in his mouth and put a frown on his forehead instead.

"Iruka is right," Kakashi continued. "A parent doesn't set rules to make their children's lives miserable, they do it to protect them."

Sasuke sighed in a 'you think I don't know that?' kind of way.

"If I let you get away with breaking the rules, I would be telling you that you don't need to listen to me. I would be telling you that I don't really mean what I say. If the rules don't matter, then the reasons I set those rules won't matter either. And they do."

Sasuke looked a mix between 'what have you done with my foster father?', 'who have you been talking to now?' and 'I understand.'

Kakashi had to smile and he felt calmer now. Without thinking too much about it, just going with the mood, he reached out and put his arms around Sasuke. He held onto him hard. The foster child was stiff and surprised, but his hands lifted and held onto Kakashi's arms.

"I care about you," Kakashi said into Sasuke's hair. That was Shikamaru's shampoo, wasn't it? "I don't care about blood relations. You're my child."

For a moment the room was silent and the muffled 'washing dishes' sounds and the cars outside seemed soothing.

"You're weird today," Sasuke muttered eventually. His hands shifted on Kakashi's arms and Kakashi smiled.

"You're a bit weird yourself," he mumbled.

He felt a surge of that angry protectiveness come forward but fought it off. He kept the smile on his lips even though he knew Sasuke couldn't see it. The mood had lightened, hadn't it? They were good now, weren't they?

"So second time was good, huh?"

Sasuke started struggling against his hold at that but not hard enough that Kakashi felt he should let go.

"I do not want to talk about that with you," Sasuke's voice was quite firm. Not really angry though.

"Aww," Kakashi faked disappointment. "But I could tell you about me and Iruka. I could give you pointers and..."

"No. No, just shut up about that and change the subject before I walk away."

"Alright," Kakashi said. He felt frustrated. There was a distance, a thick wall between them suddenly that he had no idea how to get through. The mood hadn't lightened at all, had it? "When we get home I'm going to call Orochimaru and tell him you won't ever be working for him. He won't be seeing you again."

"But I will," Sasuke said. "We made a deal, I'm not going back on that."

Stubborn, idiot child that couldn't be reached.

"Why?" Kakashi pulled back. He cradled Sasuke's face in his hands and locked onto his eyes with his own. "Why? You don't owe him anything. Why can't you just leave that man alone?"

It was too much of course. Too much said and too much done. Sasuke scrunched his face up in anger and pushed away. Kakashi didn't fight him; he felt stupid.

"You're more than just weird," the foster child snarled. "What's with you?"

He looked like he wanted to leave but for some reason he stayed. He looked like he wanted to pace but he ended up just sort of shifting his weight this way and that. Sasuke glared at Kakashi as if waiting for the next thing he had to defend himself against.

How come this was so difficult all of a sudden? They had always been able to talk, despite Sasuke being a private person and Kakashi being bad at being a parent. This morning it just felt like it all got messed up. At least when they were alone. When Iruka and Naruto had been there it had been easier. It made no sense. What the hell had happened to them during these three days they had been apart?

"Anything more you want to say that I don't want to hear?" Sasuke asked angrily. "Or can I go now?"

Kakashi remembered what Iruka had told him when they waited for time to pass a few hours earlier at the kitchen table. What he had tried to repeat to Sasuke earlier, though he wasn't sure if he'd gotten it all right. They had been talking about what to do with the children, what consequences to give them and Iruka had said that rules and consequences for breaking them was one of the ways a parent gave their children a sense of security. 'They need to know what to expect,' he had said. 'They need to know that there is one place in their world where there is no doubt about what goes and what doesn't. They need to know that 'no' really means 'no', not 'maybe' or 'if you whine enough about it'. They can't grow up to be stable and confident in a world where not even their parent can be trusted to keep their word.' There had been a pause, a moment of firm determination. Then Iruka's eyes had softened and grown tired and unsure and he had sighed and covered his face with his hands. 'Or so I've read.'

"Do you remember when I told you about the move?" Kakashi asked Sasuke.

Some of the anger left the foster child at that and he grew hesitant, frowning and less in need of pacing.

"Yeah, why?" he said, suspicion clinging to his voice like he must have been clinging to Naruto when Kakashi had been away. Twice. Through one bad time and one good.

"The night before that morning," Kakashi said. "I brought Iruka home with me. It wasn't the first time we met and I had been to his house before that, once, but it was the first time he came to me."

There was a pause and the 'so? What's your point?' was hovering in Sasuke's eyes, but he didn't speak.

"You came home early that night. Shikamaru brought you home."

"You said I didn't do anything embarrassing," Sasuke hurried to say accusingly, anxious, as the mood told him to be. When he had said it he looked a bit surprised at the words, as if he could have picked something better. Maybe he could have.

"You were drugged, Sasuke," Kakashi said.

A large truck drove past the building on the road outside and for a moment the sounds of doing the dishes in the kitchen couldn't be heard.

"I don't..." Sasuke started but his voice failed, or maybe he just couldn't find the words.

"You told me you had lost a bet with Orochimaru and that he gave you something, but you didn't know what it was. You were... You were like a child. You wanted to..." Kakashi sighed and shook his head. "It scared the hell out of me, Sasuke. I carried you to bed and told you I'd yell at you in the morning, but you didn't remember a thing when you woke up. You just strolled into the kitchen like nothing had happened and asked me if I'd ever been drunk enough to lose an entire evening without even getting a headache."

"You said that maybe I had been so horrified by the decision you'd made and told me of that my brain had blocked out the whole night," Sasuke said slowly. "That we were moving."

"I didn't want to tell you," Kakashi said. "And I didn't think it was necessary because we wouldn't be here anymore, because it had turned out... alright, in the end."

Then there was silence for a long time. Neither one of them spoke and neither one of them moved; they didn't even really look at each other. Cars passed and dishes were washed in the kitchen by their boyfriends. Children died of starvation in poor countries and other children were born. Stars faded far, far away from them and new ones came to be. They became older.

"I don't know," Sasuke finally spoke. Softly, softly; as if he was afraid something would run away if he spoke too loudly. "I don't know why I... can't leave him alone. It's just... I don't know."

"You don't need to know," Kakashi said and his voice was soft too. He dared to take a step forward. "You're not old enough to have to make that decision on your own. You don't have to decide why some things are difficult and others are not. I shouldn't ask you. I'm sorry I asked."

Another step. Sasuke wasn't moving.

"You just need to know... that your guardian says 'no'. And he means it. And you can trust him."

And he had arrived. Kakashi wrapped his arms around the foster child again and Sasuke didn't fight. The opposite really, he pressed himself closer.

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	65. Coming home

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: October 29th 2007, Monday  
second version: January 6th 2009, Tuesday

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This is the last main chapter; 66 to 77 are epilogues. Thank you for reading this far!

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**65: Coming home**

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The scent still clung to him, as if it had grabbed a hold of his skin with soft, gentle claws that he didn't want to pull away from. It was a warm, heavy scent that gave Sasuke a strange feeling of being home. He knew the scent well but hadn't thought about it for a long time now; hadn't thought about how... powerful it was.

He had a home. He had a family.

It reminded him of how young he was and how many years Kakashi had lived; the difference between their birthdates. Kakashi had an adult scent. Stability. He had strength and arms that could catch and keep Sasuke standing when he stumbled. In any way, no matter what.

It was a lie. Sasuke knew it was a lie. Kakashi was not strong enough to stand against everything. He wasn't even strong enough to stand against most things. He was mortal. He could easily be knocked down and he could easily be killed.

But the scent didn't listen. Sasuke's mind didn't listen. It kept deciphering the information it received in the same foolish way. Stability. Strength. Home. Family.

Sasuke remembered the time he had run away from Kakashi and hidden in that shelter for bikes. He remembered what he had thought, what had been running through his mind as he ran through the night. They had been stupid thoughts without logic, but unstoppable.

'_He's lying with his smell! His body is lying!'_

Still, Kakashi had followed. He had found Sasuke and carried him home and taken care of him through the violent fever that followed. He hadn't left Sasuke's side for days. He had moved a mattress into Sasuke's room and slept next to the bed. Sasuke suspected he had even slept a couple of the nights in the bed, but Sasuke had been too out of it those nights to really remember.

Sasuke remembered the time before they left Sachiko-baachan and the feeling of safety that Naruto's closeness had wrapped him in. He hadn't remembered at the time, where he recognized that feeling from, but now he did.

-

It was hard to focus on what Kakashi had told him. As Sasuke tried to think about how it made him feel the thoughts squirmed away from him. Other thoughts distracted him, someone talked to him, someone hugged him and the reaction to the information was kept from him.

Sasuke found himself thinking about why instead. Why the thoughts squirmed away, because he needed to think something. However, that was difficult as well. He didn't know why. Kakashi's other words kept echoing. Sasuke was not old enough to decide why some things were difficult and others were not. Those words had angered him; at the same time as they had rendered him indescribably relieved.

'_I am a child. But I am not.' _

'_I don't know. But I want to.'_

'_I don't want you to tell me that I don't have to figure it out. That I don't have to...'_

'_At times you feel like a stranger. This whole world feels like an unknown, incredibly frightening place that I've been tossed into and I'm still just five years old. And I want my mom.'_

Maybe the reason it was so hard to focus on what Kakashi had said, about Sasuke coming home drugged and not remembering it the morning after, was because it didn't matter. Sasuke got this feeling that Orochimaru had been drugging him every time they met, this was just the first time he'd done it with pills. The pills weren't something new; they were just an every-party-day thing that came back dressed in different clothes. They were what Orochimaru had always done to him. With him. For him.

Another part of Sasuke was hard to listen to. It was hard to really take in what that part said, because he wasn't sure he liked what it meant. It spoke of how close he had been to something that maybe he would have...

Sasuke couldn't remember that night and couldn't remember what had been running through his head when he had taken those pills, but... He'd never told Kakashi or Shikamaru or even Tsunade, but there had been times when Sasuke had wanted to... go to the man, and see what he would do to him; see if maybe he could make Sasuke stronger and less confused; less caring, less fucking scared and less pathetic.

That night could have been one of those moments. It could be that he had thrown himself over that edge that he hadn't really dared to throw himself over before. Sasuke supposed that was the reason he hadn't been able to leave Orochimaru alone. He hadn't wanted to give up what maybe the man could have given him.

But he hadn't been able to tell Kakashi that. Not this morning and not any morning before this one. He could, and probably should, have told Tsunade; but he had never found the right words. And now... Now it was past tense. Sasuke wasn't sure it was true anymore. Or rather, he was sure it wasn't. While Sasuke hated to say or feel that some particular thing or event had changed him (life just couldn't be that simple), he couldn't be honest and still claim that nothing had happened since he moved away from the city. Things had happened and they had affected him. He was in love.

The reason Sasuke had kept going back to Orochimaru before was different from the reason he had gone to him three nights ago. It was not a need for whatever change the man might give him, it was... Or maybe it had been. But not the same kind of need and not the same kind of change. It was just... Sasuke had needed to be where he shouldn't be and he had needed to... step away from life for a moment. Orochimaru was good for that. When Sasuke needed things that others wouldn't give him because they cared too much about him and couldn't understand why he would need such things, he had always been able to go to Orochimaru. And it seemed he still could.

Sasuke was both angry and grateful for that. He both wanted nothing more to do with anything the man might offer and wanted to keep the possibility in a locket around his neck. Confusing. Kakashi's words kept repeating.

'_You don't need to know.'_

Though Sasuke did know something. One thing was not confusing at all, at least not in his heart. If Sasuke hadn't come home drugged that night, when Iruka was visiting, if he hadn't scared the hell out of Kakashi; would they have moved away from this place? Would Sasuke ever have met Naruto and would he have had the blond worm his way through the defenses around his frightened heart? Would Sasuke have fallen in love? Would he and an incarnation of the sun have pretended they were a rope?

When he thought about it like that, Sasuke could smile softly and push the confusion aside. It didn't matter. He was here and he was different and he was happy to be alive. He was happy. Sasuke dared to wish nothing undone.

-

"Naruto is waiting outside," Iruka said when Sasuke came into the kitchen, without looking up from the cup he cradled in his hands. "You've got half an hour before we leave."

"Okay," Sasuke said. But he lingered in the doorway; he couldn't find the strength to pull his hand away from the wall. The counters and the sink were clean and there was not a trace of their breakfast earlier. Shikamaru's mother would inspect and find nothing. Sasuke's nose said that Iruka's cup contained coffee.

"I thought you only drank tea," he found himself saying.

Iruka looked up and looked surprised. He had probably thought that Sasuke would leave as fast as he could. Sasuke had thought so too. Then the man at the table smiled weakly, tiredly.

"I drink coffee when I can't stop myself," he said and threw a hand out in a giving up gesture. "It's been a rough night. Where is Kakashi?"

"Shikamaru's room," Sasuke said and managed to stop himself before he could really start to gnaw at his lip. "He'll be out soon."

"I'm sorry," Iruka said.

There was something in the mood. Sasuke frowned.

"I didn't treat you fairly all the time," the man continued. "I want you to know I'm sorry about that."

"I... wasn't fair either," Sasuke said and curled his hand to a loose fist against the wall. "...All the time."

For a moment it was silent and Sasuke wondered how long Kakashi would stay in Shikamaru's room. Iruka looked at Sasuke and it seemed a bit like they met for the first time.

"I'll probably do it again though," Sasuke said when the silence had made things too special; too solemn. "Don't take it personally."

Iruka smiled, a less weak one this time; like Sasuke had said something else entirely. And maybe beneath the words he had.

"You know," Iruka said. "When Naruto was a kid, he was chaos and energy on feet. There was nothing I didn't have to expect of him. Anything was possible. At one time, his favorite indoors game was making a jungle in the living room with my green curtains. When I changed to red ones to discourage him, he made hell instead."

Sasuke couldn't help but smile. He was not surprised at all. A wild child with blond hair and the hugest grin ever, building hell in the living room because the curtains were red. Why Iruka told him the story now, Sasuke didn't know. It didn't make sense, but at the same time it did. It was silent again for a moment, but this moment felt less serious. Nice. A good moment.

Iruka was not a part of Sasuke's family, but that felt okay. What he was, was okay. He was Kakashi's boyfriend and he liked reminding Sasuke that they would one day be a family. That was okay and enough for now.

Iruka was not a part of Sasuke's family. But neither had Kakashi been at first. Nor Naruto, nor Shikamaru.

Families grew; even if you didn't intend it. Families grew. Sasuke had thought he would be alone until he died. He would have people around him, yes, but he would be alone. He had been wrong. Families grew.

"You should get going," Iruka turned his eyes away from Sasuke and sipped at his coffee. "Your half hour is ticking."

"Right," Sasuke said and this time he could walk away.

-

Naruto sat on a patch of the sidewalk where the sun had melted the snow. He had his back to Sasuke and judging from his bowed head he was watching the asphalt. For some reason Sasuke wondered and found himself worried that the guy was upset; angry about something. Getting grounded maybe? Losing their sex? But had Naruto ever hesitated when Sasuke was angry?

"You waited for me," Sasuke said. He had barely finished the sentence before realizing how silly a thing it was to say.

Naruto twisted and looked over his shoulder. There wasn't a trace of anger on his face.

"Of course I waited for you!" he grinned. "I don't know where your old apartment is."

"Of course," Sasuke said softly.

When he got close enough, Naruto reached out, grabbed a hold of Sasuke's leg and pulled him even closer. He nuzzled his face to Sasuke's thigh. The pants squeezed around and pressed to Sasuke's skin, as Naruto did.

"Wow," Sasuke said and glanced around to see how many people were around to watch them. "Didn't think we'd break the rules so quickly."

"We're not," Naruto mumbled and pressed his lips and nose to the fabric. Inhaled. "The rules were postponed, remember? And this isn't sex. Your pants smell good."

One of Naruto's hands wandered to Sasuke's ankle and up under the pants. With the other he teased what he had just said and traced Sasuke's ass through the fabric. Sasuke almost closed his eyes, but caught himself in time; looked this way and that again to make sure the street was really deserted enough. It was. Lucky. He didn't want to pull away; enjoyed the hands on him. And lips. Naruto's mouth kissed the exposed ankle.

"The stay away from my pants was part of the no sex rule," Sasuke said.

"Was not," Naruto said, like a child. His ass-caressing hand grew bolder. "Can you still feel me?"

Sasuke smiled. The sky above them was dressed in reds, preparing for a new day.

"Yes," he said.

Naruto smiled against his skin.

"I don't want to be without you for a whole month."

"It's not like I'm leaving," Sasuke said.

The words were already spoken when he remembered how close this day was to the day he had left and felt stupid. Stupid thing to say. History repeats itself, someone had said, and so far Sasuke's running away tradition had stayed a tradition. But Naruto didn't seem to notice, or maybe he could hide it.

"I know," the boyfriend said and he was smiling, Sasuke could hear it in his voice. "You know what I mean."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and gave a soft sigh of relief, not meant for Naruto's ears; not meant for anyone's ears but his own. He let a moment of gratitude pass before answering.

"And you know that you don't have to worry. We will have broken those rules several times before the week is over."

Naruto gasped in faked horror and took his mouth from Sasuke's ankle. He looked up with blue eyes wide and his ass-hand gave a squeeze.

"We will not have broken the rules," he said as if the very thought of it offended him beyond words.

Sasuke raised a brow.

"Iruka would know and he would ground us even longer!"

"You're paranoid," Sasuke said. "And delusional, if you think you can stay away from me for a whole month."

Something glimmered in Naruto's eyes and a smile glimmered past his lips.

"I can so stay away from you," he assured, but still his hands kept stroking.

Sasuke shook his head and smiled.

"Delusional," he said.

"You know what I think?" Naruto said and he used that tone that told Sasuke that he didn't want to know, because Naruto was going to say something outrageously silly. Sasuke hated how curious that tone made him.

"What do you think?"

"I think it's you who can't stay away from me for a whole month. You want me to want to break the rules so that you won't have to endure thirty days without my hands and other body parts inside your pants. It's your pervert speaking!"

Sasuke snorted in amusement; couldn't help himself. Naruto looked absolutely thrilled.

"Like I said," he said and cradled Naruto's face in his hands and leaned closer. "Delusional."

Sasuke could so handle a month without Naruto's hands. And other body parts. They both knew that Naruto was the needy one. Before the blond could protest Sasuke kissed him and occupied his tongue. For a second Naruto moaned like he wanted to speak rather than kiss, but then he straightened out his priorities and kissed back hungrily. His hands helped. He didn't seem to care that he was only proving Sasuke's point. They were so going to break the rules. Not that Sasuke couldn't have handled the month if he had been forced to. He was not a Naruto-addict.

"I'm not breaking the rules," Naruto grinned when they came apart; licked his lips. His hands were still squeezing and Sasuke hated the surge of frustration that wanted to rise in him. Not just frustration because Naruto was being stubborn about the whole thing either, frustration because maybe the blond was telling the truth. Maybe he wouldn't break the rules. Even though that was absolutely ridiculous. Frustration, and a slight sliver of worry. Thirty days were so... many days!

"Yes, you are," Sasuke said.

"Are you gonna show me your old apartment or what?" Naruto wouldn't stop grinning.

"As soon as you stop groping my ass," Sasuke said.

"But you look so needy," Naruto fake-pouted and looked so pathetic Sasuke couldn't stop the smile crawling to his lips as he pulled away.

"I want to give you as much as I can before I have to stay away!" the blond shouted as Sasuke walked. A few seconds later, he ran to catch up and hooked his arm around Sasuke's when he did.

"You really should thank me," Naruto said. He was still grinning. Sasuke couldn't stop smiling.

-

It felt strange to ring the bell to your own apartment; Sasuke supposed that was why he was hesitating. In a way it still felt like it was his own and he should be able to just walk in. It felt like they had never left, like he'd met Naruto somewhere downtown and they'd fallen in love here. Naruto's house was somewhere in the suburbs and Iruka worked at Kakashi's old school.

At the same time Sasuke knew he had left. This was not home anymore. He had moved and so had home. Sasuke couldn't come here drunk early, early in the morning anymore and fumble with the key, curse as he dropped it once or twice before managing to unlock the door and stagger into the hall and stumble on shoes. He doubted the Akimichi's, according to the new sign on the door, would appreciate it if he did.

"You lived here?" Naruto whispered.

In some part of Sasuke it felt like he had never lived here at all.

"No," Sasuke sighed, used the distraction to finally press the button. "I lived three floors above here, that's why I'm ringing this door."

Naruto's sniff said 'you don't have to be like that'. For a second or two they waited in silence.

"It doesn't look like you," Naruto muttered. Sasuke frowned and looked at the boyfriend.

"Why...?" He started to ask, but didn't make it to 'not' before the door was unlocked, the handle pressed down, the door opened and Sasuke was forced to turn back.

The guy in the door looked a mix between 'I wanted to sleep for at least six more hours', 'especially since this morning has turned out so weird' and 'but I'll try to be polite anyway'. There was a slight frown on his forehead and Sasuke thought he could see a hint of 'and I have a feeling it's all your fault' aimed at him in the guy's eyes; but that could just be paranoia.

"Sasuke, right?" the guy said, almost sighed. He looked at Naruto and the frown deepened. A sliver of worry and embarrassment came to join the rest of the emotions on his face. "And... um... Na..."

He kept his mouth open for a second or two, as if hoping the rest of it would crawl out on its own. Then he closed it and scratched one of his eyebrows.

"Naruto?" Naruto said and sounded as offended as he probably should.

"Yeah," the guy's frown dissolved and for a moment he bathed in remembering. "Naruto."

Then he looked even more embarrassed.

"Sorry," he said. "I keep mixing you up with that... Never mind. Sorry."

"What?" Naruto said, clearly frustrated. "It's not even a long..."

"Where is Shikamaru?" Sasuke hurried to interrupt. Their half hour was ticking and all that. "We heard he came here with... our friends."

"Um, yeah," the guy said and glanced apologetically at Naruto. "They're here. Come in."

There were strange shoes in Sasuke's hallway, strange paintings on his walls and a strange smell in the air. Not even the walls were as they should be. New colors. They had messed up his... And the other half of Sasuke said that this apartment had never been his. It would have made his stomach hurt if he had let it and he saw no reason to.

"Chouji."

Sasuke snapped back to look at the guy when he spoke and he saw Naruto do the same. They had both been looking around in wonder it seemed; maybe even for the same reasons.

'_You used to live here?'_

'_I used to live here?'_

"That's... my name," the guy said and gave what probably would have been a smile if it had been later in the day and the situation had been less awkward. It was awkward, wasn't it? At least slightly. "Pleased to meet you."

How long had Shikamaru known this guy anyway? They couldn't have become friends immediately; Shikamaru wasn't the type. How soon had these guys moved in after Sasuke and Kakashi had moved out?

Sasuke said 'pleased to meet you' back and Naruto did too.

"You... used to live here, did you?" Chouji said, looking at Sasuke. "Shikamaru told me."

"Yeah," Sasuke said and looked around again. "This... wallpaper looks good."

The guy gave half a chuckle and looked a bit less awkward.

"My mom likes redecorating," he said.

Sasuke got the feeling Chouji didn't have a horde of friends. He wasn't exactly shy, but... Maybe he was just not used to having people over. Not that this was a normal 'coming over'. No one should be used to having this many strangers over this early. Why weren't they at school by the way? Or getting ready for it. There didn't seem to be any parents at home here either. What had happened to all the city parents?

As they moved through the apartment it became clear to Sasuke that Chouji had not been lying when he said his mother liked redecorating. New things just kept showing up. Carpets, furniture, plants, TV, bookcase, curtains, wallpapers. Nothing looked like it should. Not that he had expected to find their things still here, but... Even the view seemed different because of the flowery cloth framing the windows.

Sasuke found he didn't know what to feel. Feelings kept showing up; frustration, awe, anger, sadness; but none of them stuck around. Mostly he felt strangely empty. Unlike the confusion with Orochimaru and Kakashi earlier, this confusion and lack of reactions wasn't anything he wanted to try and figure out. Not now. Something told him that it would all fall into place when he got home, without falling into place at all. The feelings would come to him properly, even if the full understanding stayed away, and he was quite sure that when they did he would cry. A lot of things had gone through a pretty vicious shredder this weekend. And other things (or the same things, some moments after the shredder) had been turned into gold. Maybe he just needed to cry to release some of the tension. Crying was good for that. Crying and sex with Naruto, but he was banned from the latter. And he was comfortable doing neither without privacy.

So Sasuke let himself feel strangely empty, walking through the made-over apartment that wasn't his anymore. He felt, but at the same time didn't; in a good way. He knew he'd feel plenty when he got home to make up for it. He did feel one thing clearly however (and the similarities between this train of thought's last station and the Orochimaru/Kakashi train of thought's last station was soothing and at the same time exhilarating). So clearly that he could touch it. It was a warm presence, probably slightly pouting because his name had been forgotten, close at his side. Somehow that presence was tons more graspable than the presence of Sasuke's home that was his home no longer. It made perfect sense and left no doubt. It had even seeped into every step he took. It was comforting hurt that was no hurt. Maybe Sasuke had turned into a masochist. Or maybe Naruto just meant that much.

"I've got your old room, right?" Chouji had stopped outside said room; sounded sorry.

"Yeah," Sasuke said. It mattered but at the same time didn't make a difference at all. So what?

Then the door opened and they were let in. There was a big desk with lots of computer things where Sasuke's bed should have been. Shikamaru sat on a normal chair next to the office chair in front of the desk and waved when they entered. Gaara half lay on the bed like he owned it and Lee sat on the very edge of it like he wanted to sit somewhere else. They waved too; Lee with a smile, Gaara with a grin.

Sasuke swallowed and fought the warmness rising to his cheeks with all his might because you had to be an idiot not to know what was on the redhead's mind. At the same time Sasuke didn't want the redhead to know that he knew and that he was embarrassed; even though you had to be an idiot (or an exhibitionist) not to be embarrassed. The thought 'Gaara of the Sand should not grin' also danced around in his head.

"Shut up," Naruto said loudly and very firmly and Sasuke was sure he wasn't the only one in the room that flinched. The blond marched up to Gaara on the bed and in a way seemed taller than two seconds before.

"I know what you're thinking," Naruto said. "But you won't say anything because it's private. It's just between me and him and... Stop looking at me like that. Right now! I'm serious. I don't want...!"

The boyfriend's voice, that had grown steadily louder for every sentence, was suddenly interrupted by a harsh pounding on the ceiling. Naruto flinched and looked up like he'd never even heard of cranky neighbors (though that was highly unlikely, judging by the story Iruka had told just moments before in the kitchen). Sasuke closed his eyes and memories of many frustrating moments flashed back to him. There had been times when he'd felt like killing the seventy year old lady upstairs. For a moment and two Naruto seemed a bit off balance; a bit like he wasn't quite sure if gravity was reliable in this weird corner of the world. He made a hesitating, apologetic and slightly embarrassed face in Chouji's direction.

Gaara spoke before anyone else could and Sasuke wanted to sink through the floor as soon as he heard the tone of the annoying bastard's voice.

"You'll have to forgive him. He was up all night having sex with his boyfriend. While it sounded like a pretty awesome way to spend a night, this guy really needs his sleep."

-

It felt like a very short visit. So many things had happened, had been squeezed into that short period of time, that it had felt even shorter. It was like they hadn't even had time to arrive before they left again. Out into the new day. Sasuke first with Naruto at his side; Lee and Gaara after them. Naruto was smiling like he couldn't control himself and despite everything, Sasuke felt okay. Just fine. He had his gift in his pocket. Naruto held his in his hand.

It had taken some time to calm Naruto down, get Gaara to stop teasing him and the lady upstairs to stop trying to stomp a hole through Chouji's ceiling. The guy had looked a bit like he wasn't sure he'd woken up properly this morning. Sasuke had felt seriously sorry for him, when he could block out the embarrassment brought up by Gaara. At moments it had felt like he'd never be able to look anyone in the eyes ever again. Shikamaru had looked like he had a headache. But there had been something else there as well; Sasuke found it when he looked Shikamaru in the eyes and when he looked inside himself. A part of both of them had been amazed, in a good way.

Sure, the scene had been embarrassing as hell (there really were no limits to what Gaara was capable of saying and where he was capable of saying it), but there had been a bright feeling there as well. That room had been lively before; music playing too loud, drinking, laughing; but it had never had that kind of brightness to it. There had been a quality of amazing life among the craziness and embarrassment. It hadn't been because of the wallpapers or because Chouji had put the furniture differently; not because of Gaara lounging on the bed or Lee trying to diffuse the tension between his boyfriend and his friend. It had been...

Amazing really, how one guy could breathe such life into everything he touched. Amazing that Sasuke hadn't realized it before when it was so damn obvious now. But maybe something had been needed where Sasuke had a clear 'before', **'without'** image to compare with, like this place. It was hard to be objective about yourself. Maybe that was how Shikamaru and Kakashi and Tsunade had known. They had had Sasuke to look at.

Naruto. Sasuke hadn't thought people like that existed.

When things had calmed down enough, Gaara had given Sasuke a small, stick-looking object. Sasuke had always preferred CDs and a CD player, but he recognized an MP3 player when he saw one. Or had one shoved into his hand.

'Iruka banned you from your music, didn't he?' Gaara had said. He had explained that he'd been around long enough to figure out how the punishments usually went, and the CDs had seemed the only reasonable thing that could be taken away from Sasuke.

'This isn't your music,' Gaara had said and interrupted Naruto's instant protests. 'You're not breaking any rules.'

'You'll probably like it though,' Shikamaru had said. 'You two have similar tastes.'

Sasuke had then been told that it was really Chouji's MP3 player Gaara was giving away. The guy had said it was fine though. Gaara had said it was payment for Chouji finding out their home number. Apparently Shikamaru's new neighbor had a good hand with computers. 'Genius,' Shikamaru had mouthed to Sasuke when no one was looking, a soft gesture with his head in Chouji's direction.

When they had stumbled onto the subject of Chouji looking up Gaara's phone number for Shikamaru, it didn't take much time before Sasuke heard that his boyfriend had been drugged and that knocked out was how he had spent the night Sasuke had spent on Orochimaru's bathroom floor. That had set off a new series of angry words, though Sasuke hadn't been so loud that he was rewarded with new banging on the ceiling. Not that that meant he wasn't angry though.

Of course! Naruto wasn't some... some animal that couldn't be reasoned with so he had to be sedated when things got serious. Yes, he could be stubborn, but he wasn't unreasonably stubborn. Most of the times. Shikamaru had been completely out of line. Naruto had agreed. Gaara had sighed and asked if Sasuke was going to check out the content of his 'bye bye virginity' gift now or when they got back home. Naruto's reaction to that had been rewarded with some new banging.

When things had calmed down again, Sasuke had had a stunning two minutes to find out that yes, his and Chouji's tastes in music were pretty similar. Some of Sasuke's favorite mood savers had been stored on the player. Then a watch in Lee's pocket beeped and Gaara had announced that their time was over; they were going to have to leave if they didn't want Iruka to get more upset. A walk through the apartment in the other direction had been followed by putting on their shoes and saying good bye.

In the hall, for a moment, Sasuke had been hesitating; frustrated. There had been too many people there, and he was supposed to be still angry about his boyfriend getting drugged; he **was** still angry about his boyfriend getting drugged; but at the same time he had wanted to do something, anything. He wanted to make something proper out of this leaving his best friend that had done a lot for Sasuke this weekend (while some of it had been unnecessary and unnecessarily dangerous and stupid). He had at least partially taken care of Naruto when Sasuke hadn't been there and Sasuke was grateful for that. He had wanted to push their foreheads together and know that they were okay.

But the situation hadn't been right for anything like that, and Shikamaru's eyes had said that nothing more than a raised hand and a 'see ya' were necessary. There were phones, and it wasn't like they would never see each other again. Sasuke had said thanks and told Chouji he'd mail him the MP3 player back once the month was over; he knew the address. Then they had walked away.

When they had put one set of stairs between them, Shikamaru had called Naruto's name and 'come here'. Sasuke had frowned. Naruto had too. They had shared a look before Sasuke made a soft 'get going' gesture and Naruto went back up.

'What's this?' Sasuke had heard the boyfriend say, some seconds after the echoes of feet against concrete had fallen silent. Shikamaru had said nothing. Sasuke had grown worried, nervous, damn curious, and minutes must have passed before Naruto came down again, grinning like he couldn't stop himself and eyes shiny with held back tears. He had been holding an envelope gently, but firmly in his hand.

'What's that?' Sasuke had asked.

Naruto had sniffled and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, turned his grin and glittering eyes to Sasuke and grabbed his hand with his free one. He had squeezed it hard.

'I'll show you when we get home.'

They had started walking again.

Sasuke remembered the last time he had left this part of the city in a car. That time he had been sitting in the passenger seat next to Kakashi and his music had been on so loud he almost couldn't hear the engine. He had been angry and had glared out the window. It had been raining.

This would be a sunny day when it had grown old enough; it was still just morning, after all. There would probably be no snow left when evening came. Kakashi was driving this time too, but Iruka had taken the seat next to him. Sasuke sat behind Kakashi, not the same side of the car as last time. There was an MP3 player in his pocket and a warm hand holding his.

Naruto sat in the middle. Gaara sat in Lee's lap behind Iruka.

Traffic was moving slow, a lot of people making their way to their jobs or their schools. Shikamaru and Chouji didn't have school today. They had the day off because the teachers at their school were at some seminar. Good timing. It was funny how life sorted things out sometimes.

The city looked different today. The buildings and stores Sasuke remembered; the signs, few trees and spots of grass. Sunlit and patched with snow, yes, but that wasn't everything. It was different from last time. It was different from every time before this one. Maybe it was Sasuke's heart. Maybe he was just being silly. The fingers and palm wrapped around his hand were so warm. The sound of the car engine was soothing.

Those months ago, the last time Sasuke had gone this way in a car, he had cursed Kakashi's idiocy and promised himself he would take the bus and go back home as soon as he could. He had cursed himself for getting into the car in the first place. If he were to go back to those days and tell that angry, hurting Sasuke that... that it would be okay, that he would be okay, that angry, hurting Sasuke would punch him in the face.

And today... Today it was okay. Moving away from this place today felt okay. Knowing this wasn't home anymore felt okay.

The side of Naruto's leg and arm were also warm and they pressed against Sasuke because the car was a bit too small. Or maybe the children were too big. The boyfriend was holding onto the envelope Shikamaru had given him as if it were the most precious thing in the world. His eyes had stopped glittering and his grin had softened to a smile, but that smile stayed. Sasuke was curious and wondering and wanted to get home so he could find out what the boyfriend had to smile about.

They were going home.

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	66. Some miracles

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first time: June 20th 2008, Friday  
second time: January 9th 2009, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**66: Some miracles**

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_Epilogue 1.1: Kakashi and Iruka_

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But Kakashi wouldn't come out. Iruka sat waiting in the kitchen by the table, guarding his coffee with his hands, and his lover did not return from his talk with his foster child. It made that silly old jealousy inside Iruka itch and he thought of Kakashi once again overwhelmed with feelings because of Sasuke. The boy knew just where to push, didn't he? Would Iruka ever overwhelm Kakashi with feelings the way Sasuke could? But the silly old itching jealousy was weak this time, like the colors of an old shirt.

Sasuke had gone to the 'perverted gang leader pedophile'. Yes, Iruka remembered what Kakashi had said that night when he had come to see the apartment not far from this one and the child had come home drugged. Though was the gang leader really a pedophile? Did the term include interest in teenagers or was Sasuke really in no danger? Was the perverted gang leader pedophile just a perverted gang leader and Kakashi just overwhelmed? But that feeling was faded and washed out as well.

The feeling could be found all over Iruka really, as he sat there with the white porcelain and the coffee. It was as if all his color had been used up on the children and their being like children should be. But it was a good faded and washed out feeling, surprisingly, strangely. What had been washed out was not the good things, it was things like worry, anxiety, and incapacity. It felt fitting, in order and on time. Iruka couldn't remember a time when he had been calmer, stronger and more confident. He liked what had been done this morning. No, even stronger; he loved it. Informing the children of the consequences of their rule breaking had been... It had been Iruka being Iruka, a parent, himself toward both Naruto and Sasuke. 'You can just be yourself,' Kakashi had said that morning at Sachiko-baachan's and today what had seemed so unachievable then had been effortless. For the same reasons he loved his short talk with Sasuke before the boy had left.

Ten minutes had passed since then when Iruka finally decided that if Kakashi wouldn't come to him, he would come to Kakashi. He washed the cup, dried it and put it back in the cupboard. He threw one last glance at the kitchen to make sure everything was acceptably clean, then walked to the room and knocked. Faded and washed out Iruka didn't wait for a reply before pressing down the handle and letting the door open.

Kakashi sat on the floor and wiped at his eyes with an arm when Iruka came in. His eyes were glittering, but there was joy on his face; a smile even as he saw Iruka enter.

"Hey," he whispered softly and waved for Iruka to come closer. There was photo album in his lap that he had closed quickly when the door opened. When Iruka sat down on the floor beside him, Kakashi pulled Iruka's head to his mouth and kissed his hair.

"Do you want to see some miracles?" he whispered.

"Is that Shikamaru-kun's?" Iruka frowned. He was not so faded and washed out that he didn't see a problem with going through other people's things.

"It's okay," Kakashi assured, his voice that same soft whisper. The album cracked softly as it opened, as albums did, and then Iruka saw. Kakashi's arm snaked around Iruka's shoulders and it squeezed hard and was warm, warm. While it wasn't just photos of Sasuke, it was clear that Shikamaru-kun had a preference of where to aim the view finder. But it wasn't just that it was Sasuke, it was...

"How did he...?" Iruka started whispering, but couldn't finish. He didn't know what to say.

"He set up a small remote control and hid the camera," Kakashi explained. He was still whispering and now Iruka understood why. Too much noise and the magic would be broken, surely. "He disabled the flash and they always had music on so Sasuke didn't hear. Shikamaru told him, eventually, but Sasuke has no idea that there are this many."

Kakashi pointed on one photo.

"He's drunk here," he said and the amusement danced in his whisper. "He's drunk in a lot of them, but there are many when he's sober too."

He turned the page and there were more of them. Some were artistically blurry here and there and others were clear.

"He looks so..." Iruka tried again, but didn't manage. He sniffled.

"Yeah," Kakashi didn't need full sentences.

Sasuke was smiling. Iruka hadn't thought about there being so many ways in which you could smile. There were soft smiles, bigger smiles, laughing out loud; there were ones when his head was thrown back. He smiled with just his eyes, with just his mouth or with everything. In some the smile was hidden so well you almost couldn't decide where it was and in some it was so obvious that you could barely imagine the boy capable of being angry.

Iruka remembered the evening at Sachiko-baachan's and the laughter heard through the door and found himself wishing that Shikamaru-kun and his hidden camera had been there. But Iruka could imagine now what it must have looked like. He couldn't stop smiling and his eyes blurred. He shifted against Kakashi, found his mouth and kissed him.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Thank you," Kakashi whispered back.

"Everything will be just fine," Iruka whispered and he knew that it was true.

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	67. And Sasuke was on his way home

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 24th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**67: And Sasuke was on his way home**

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_Epilogue 1.2: Shikamaru and Chouji_

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The first time Shikamaru and Chouji really met was on the roof, two months or so after Sasuke had left. Shikamaru had known of the guy for a while. They went to the same school, he had seen the newcomer walk in and out of Sasuke's old building and his mother had told him that the Akimichi's had bought Kakashi's old apartment. 'Be polite!' she had warned. Shikamaru had sighed and silently wondered why everything that happened had to become his problem. But it wasn't until that day on the roof that they really talked.

It had been Chouji approaching Shikamaru. He had been daring and hesitant at the same time (or maybe just daring because he was hesitant). He had had the air of someone who disliked themselves and had decided to change with the scenery as he moved to a new place. 'I'll be daring now, even though I'm hesitant.' Though they were as different as the sky here and the sky above Sasuke's new home, talking to Chouji that first time Shikamaru had remembered Sasuke and their first meeting on the roof. Making friends with Sasuke had been much harder and had taken much more time.

Chouji was almost three months older than Sasuke and he was what Shikamaru supposed people called a computer nerd. Shikamaru didn't have much experience with computers; while they were logic based creations and he handled the basics just fine, he had never really been interested. But Chouji could work miracles with the things. He knew about hardware and programs and games and settings and drivers, what worked and what didn't. If something didn't behave as it should he knew why within minutes of clicking or typing or poking. Shikamaru had later found out that Chouji also was an excellent hacker. 'It's not that difficult,' he had mumbled. The guy had found the new phone number of Temari, Kankuro and Gaara, even though faction high-ups had tried to make sure it wouldn't be found. Shikamaru was sure that the Leaf would want to draft Chouji immediately if they ever found out about his skills, so he would never say anything.

Chouji and Sasuke liked the same kind of music, but Chouji had much broader tastes. He liked the music Shikamaru liked as well, and the lighter electronic music. Sasuke had just barely tolerated Shikamaru's metal and clung to the heavier industrial sound. Chouji ate more than Sasuke did too. Shikamaru didn't have to kick him under the table to get him to finish his steak or pizza or hamburger. Chouji never dragged Shikamaru out to drink and party so that he could make out with guys on couches. They had been drinking together a couple of times but then they had stayed in Chouji's room, Chouji showing Shikamaru something on the computer. They did go to the store together sometimes when Shikamaru's mother sent him shopping, but Shikamaru always called before he came.

If the times with Sasuke had been an endless Saturday night party then this was a Saturday morning with nothing planned. There had been many lazy days with Sasuke, more lazy days than party days, but it wasn't about what they had done; it was the feeling behind what they had done, the feeling in Sasuke. Sasuke was a lot of things and Shikamaru cared for him, possibly more than he should, and it was not that one was bad and the other was not, it was just... They were different. The inside of Shikamaru was different depending on who he was with. Sasuke was the struggle and Chouji was the letting go (even if he surely also had struggles).

-

When Sasuke and Naruto had left with Gaara of the Sand and his boyfriend, the apartment and Chouji's room were unusually quiet and the mood unusually tense. Coming back from the hall and having said 'good bye', Shikamaru sat down on the bed instead of at his usual place next to Chouji's computer chair. There was unease in him that felt oddly out of character. There shouldn't be and he tried to ignore it. There was no reason. But something was awkward.

It had been a good morning in many ways. Despite being grounded and banned from his music there had been a calm over Sasuke that had amazed Shikamaru. He had been so... Saturday morning with nothing planned all of a sudden. Shikamaru had been right; Naruto was a good thing, really. And the morning had been good with Naruto too. Shikamaru had felt bad about drugging the blond and better when he could give him something to say 'sorry'. (But he would never tell Sasuke that he'd been awake to hear them in the living room.)

It had been messy here, Naruto frustrated and Gaara the teasing type (Shikamaru had known that from the scary days when he was of the Sand), but Shikamaru had anticipated and apologized for that even before they came. If he had been reluctant Shikamaru would have ignored Gaara's determination to meet with the guy who could find out their phone number, but Chouji had said it was okay.

"Sorry about that," Shikamaru apologized again anyway.

"It's fine," Chouji mumbled. He sat in his computer chair, hands wrapped around themselves in his lap, watching Shikamaru only for half seconds at a time.

"Naruto gets a little excited."

"But he seemed like a nice guy. Sasuke too."

"He is. They are," Shikamaru said.

He thought about what Gaara had said and his heart was squeezed with anxiety. He had never told his new friend that his old one was gay; or that he himself had almost fallen in love with Sasuke at one point. It had never been the right time or the right reasons. Why say it?

It had always been okay with the ones that mattered and were involved. Sasuke had never treated his preference as a problem and neither had Kakashi. That Neji mostly acted like he never made out with anyone was not because he was ashamed, he just wasn't one to care much about things like love and going out. Shikamaru suspected that his own parents wouldn't have been overjoyed if he had started going out with Sasuke, but they would have been respectful enough to keep that to themselves. His mother would have been more interested in his grades. 'Do you really have time for boyfriends when you come home with grades like that?' He was well aware that they were lucky however. Homophobes and frowning faces were not a rarity. So why say it?

And now, what did you say? 'Sorry that my friend is dating a guy'? 'Sorry that he slept with him where we set up that rental console last weekend'? (Equally lacking in console experience, they had wanted to try it together.) 'Sorry that I never told you I almost fell in love with him once'? Shikamaru wasn't sorry, but what did you say? He felt like an idiot; for not knowing and for thinking about it in the first place.

Shikamaru sighed and leaned back, tired of thinking, and tossed the unease as he let his head fall back to watch the ceiling.

"I kind of had a crush on Sasuke once."

The unease fluttered away and landed somewhere on the bed. It was quiet, the afterwards, but Shikamaru was strangely not nervous any more. The sun shone in through Chouji's window and Sasuke was on his way home.

"Okay," Chouji said and something in the tone of his voice told Shikamaru that it really, really was. Shikamaru smiled.

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	68. Break the rules

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 27th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**68: Break the rules**

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_Epilogue 2.1: Sasuke and Naruto_

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"I'm gonna frame it," Naruto said.

"No, you're not," Sasuke shook his head in 'no way'.

"Sure I will! I'm gonna hang it over my bed and fall asleep looking at it."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"You're happy," Naruto said and sniffed as if that explained everything. Sasuke supposed that in a way it did, but he still refused. Naruto was not framing a stupid photo of Sasuke laughing and hanging it over his bed.

"I wasn't happy, I was drunk."

"No, you weren't," Naruto said and sounded smug, like he'd been waiting for it. "Shikamaru said you'd say that to try and ruin it so he told me that you weren't. You were happy."

"He's such a bastard," Sasuke snarled.

"No, he's not," Naruto sniffed again.

When they came home the previous day Iruka had been unyielding. Officially they had come down with a no doubt embarrassing illness during the weekend and been forced to stay home on Monday, but that didn't mean they got to pretend it was a second Sunday. 'Anymore than you have!' Iruka had said. Monday was a school day and during school hours on school days you did schoolwork, with Iruka it didn't matter that you weren't actually in school. And after school hours you did homework, you did not run off to the neighbor's house unless you were absolutely sure you had time. Iruka apparently hadn't been absolutely sure that Naruto had time.

Sasuke suspected he had gotten off light, though he hadn't mentioned that to Naruto when they met by the bus stop on Tuesday morning and the blond started whining and moaning about his fingers hurting because he had written so much. Kakashi had been more interested in locking up Sasuke's CDs than making sure Sasuke did school work and fortunately he had been reasonable enough to let Sasuke help him. They had together moved the whole collection to a room Kakashi had saved for storage. 'Why aren't you trying to talk your way out of it?' Kakashi had asked when half the CDs had been moved. 'What's the point?' Sasuke had muttered while thanking Gaara and Shikamaru's new friend for saving him from certain insanity. He hoped that if he showed as little concern as possible over his collection's month long confinement, Kakashi wouldn't use it as punishment again.

Once the CDs were moved and Sasuke had done some homework, he had gone a little out of character and taken an early evening stroll past Naruto's house. They were banned from each other's rooms, not each other's houses, Sasuke had reasoned. He had (rightly) suspected that Iruka was extra unreasonable because it was the first day of them being grounded and that that was why Naruto hadn't been over himself. Sasuke dared to hope however, that the man would at least let them say good night if Sasuke went over. He also felt that he still owed the blond for running away; it wouldn't hurt to be a little more... well, forward with their relationship than he usually was. Hadn't he said that he wanted to do things? Out of character or not, Sasuke knew that he was lucky to have Naruto by his side.

He had been half right. Iruka had let them say good night, but he had stood in the hall behind Naruto, waiting while they did. Not a very satisfying good night, but Sasuke supposed that was the whole point of being grounded. Naruto had thrown a minor fit (cowed by the prospect of more restrictions no doubt) when Iruka wouldn't even go into the kitchen or look away when they kissed. 'If you can't do it in front of me, don't do it at all,' the man had sniffed, arms crossed over his chest. Naruto had taken it as a challenge but Sasuke had drawn the line when the blond couldn't and allowed only a quick press of lips and insistent tongue trying to poke its way into his mouth. Naruto had looked horribly frustrated when Sasuke said 'good night' and with his eyes tried to convey 'we'll make up for it tomorrow'.

Sasuke had fully assumed that Naruto had understood and agreed to what his eyes had said. He had fully assumed that on first break after first class on Tuesday, when Naruto practically dragged him away to their remote corridor (where they had found a girl's bathroom to hide in two weeks ago), grinning like it was Christmas already all the way, he was going to be kissed and touched in ways entirely inappropriate for school grounds and the rules of their grounding would be broken in every way (or... maybe not **every** way, but... half the way). Naruto hated when he was interrupted when trying to answer a challenge; of course he would do something crazy to make up for it. Sasuke had been waiting for Naruto's recklessness since he wriggled out of his arms on the porch the evening before. He had every right to be frustrated when the blond just kissed him quickly before pulling away.

'What?' Sasuke had hissed and frowned and glared.

'I have to show you,' Naruto had said, not paying any attention to Sasuke's frustration. 'I said I would and I couldn't last night and I know you'll probably won't like it but I do and I just have to!'

He had pulled a photograph from one of his pockets and Sasuke had remembered the envelope Naruto had gotten from Shikamaru. He didn't need to actually see his own stupidly smiling face to know that it was there and groan and curse his supposedly good friend.

Sasuke had almost beaten Shikamaru up for real when he found out about the collection of secret smiling pictures, because what the hell? Hiding cameras and taking pictures of people without them knowing about it? It had to be illegal; and even if it wasn't, it was immoral. 'Your fan girls do it all the time,' the asshole Shikamaru had said, but Sasuke had punched him again. 'They're crazy! You're supposed to be my friend!' It didn't help that everyone around Sasuke that found out about the pictures loved them. Kakashi and Tsunade, while agreeing with Sasuke that it had been kind of low, in the end they had both smiled, patted Shikamaru on the back and thanked him. Shikamaru's mother had come across one of the pictures and kept it in one of the family and friends photo albums. It frustrated Sasuke to no end, but at least she had taken it off the living room wall.

Sasuke absolutely hated seeing himself smile and laugh. He knew he did, now and then; both drunk and sober, but there was a huge difference between doing and seeing. And he didn't want his smiles or his laughter to be flaunted and displayed and aww-ed at, even if no one did it in front of him, because it made it so much more obvious how often Sasuke didn't smile or laugh. It was like focusing on his moments of happiness put more focus on his misery.

One part of Sasuke was grateful that Naruto had been given that photo, just like one part of him had been grateful when Shikamaru had given a smiling photo to Kakashi and one to Tsunade. It was fitting, it was... Sasuke felt like they deserved it. They were people who had brought more smiles and more happiness to his life, it was like a 'this is what you did for me.' Only it was too obviously sentimental and corny, so despite what that part of him felt Sasuke didn't express the gratitude. He couldn't accept something that went so completely against his character and image. Uchiha Sasuke did not do obviously sentimental and corny (except on very special occasions). In a way he could understand why that one part of him was grateful for stupid, secret, taken-completely-against-his-will smiling pictures that could say what he didn't.

"You can frame it if you don't keep it on your wall," Sasuke compromised eventually. They both stood with their arms crossed over their chests, opposite each other and leaning against corridor walls. Naruto was pouting, keeping the photograph pressed to his heart with his arm.

"Then I won't see it," the blond grumbled.

"Take it out when I'm not there," Sasuke said, though he shouldn't have to. 'Come on, do some thinking on your own, boyfriend.'

"But Iruka has tons of pictures of me on the walls."

"I don't care," Sasuke hissed. "I don't want to see it."

"You're so frustrating," Naruto muttered.

Hearing the word 'frustrating' brought Sasuke back to the state of mind he'd carried before Naruto pulled out the smiling photo. His hands were itching, his skin was itching and his mouth was too. He could feel traces of discomfort, memories of Naruto, when he walked, stood, sat and when he was practically dragged toward remote corridors, but it teased more than hurt him. It wasn't **that** that he wanted, not necessarily, he just wanted something. He wanted to wear no pants and have hands on him, mouth on him; he wanted friction and the weight of Naruto. Twenty nine days left. He was not an addict, but that didn't mean he had to be a eunuch, did it?

"So are you," Sasuke mumbled.

"What?" Naruto made a face and was clueless. "What did I do now? Besides showing you what you asked to see, because you did ask yesterday, and not wanting to hide away the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

Sasuke snorted, narrowed his eyes and raised a brow.

"You're not serious."

"Sure, I am," Naruto assured and his eyes narrowed right back, daring Sasuke to disagree with him.

Sasuke threw a quick, only half conscious glance in the direction they had come from to see if anyone was there to see and decided that no one was. He uncrossed his arms and with a growl, within a heartbeat, he moved to where Naruto was. He pressed himself to Naruto's body, lips against lips and cradled his face in his hands. Naruto seemed surprised by the sudden approach, but got over it quickly. His lips pressed back, he moaned and opened his mouth to let Sasuke's tongue in and push his own out to meet it. His arms uncrossed too and one hand grabbed Sasuke's neck, his tongue pushing even deeper, as the other stuffed the photo back into the pocket. When both Naruto's hands were unoccupied the kiss grew even more intense.

Sasuke smirked when he pulled back and let their lips slip apart, his hold on Naruto's face preventing the blond from moving closer again.

"You're not serious," he breathed on Naruto's wet mouth.

"I'm not serious," Naruto agreed and swallowed.

'Good,' Sasuke thought; with all the things the blond must have seen of him through everything they had done, that stupid smile being the most amazing was an insult.

"Sorry," Naruto panted. "I'm an idiot."

"You are," Sasuke murmured. But the itch was still there. He pushed a leg between Naruto's and watched the blond close his eyes and moan. Sasuke shifted his own hips closer for friction for himself and the pleasure ran on his skin. Much better. Sasuke's being sighed with relief as the itch was scratched.

Then suddenly Naruto stiffened neck to toes and his eyes flew open. Sasuke had half a second to frown and wonder before the blond yelped and pushed him away.

"No! We're breaking the rules!"

Sasuke could have hit him.

"Come on," he growled, equally offended from having been pushed away and frustrated from having been separated from his source of relief.

"No!" Naruto held out his arms to shield himself as Sasuke tried to approach again. "Stay back, I don't trust myself."

"If we're going to break the rules, why not really break them?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes and tried reason.

"No, no, no. We're not going to break the rules. It was just a second and I caught us in time. It's okay, I'm sure it's okay. It was just a second."

The blond was moving away from the wall, backing away from Sasuke in the direction of more people and the end of privacy. Inside Sasuke a war between many was being fought. There were the big two, the 'okay, I'm not really that needy' nation and the 'give me my damned relief!' empire; then there were a whole bunch of smaller countries, 'it would be worse if we got grounded for a year or three', 'how would Iruka know?', 'because he knows everything!', 'but we're in school!' and 'just lock yourself in the bathroom and jerk off alone'; to mention a few. Sasuke hated being grounded.

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	69. Can't help himself

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first time: July 1st 2008, Tuesday  
second time: January 20th 2009, Tuesday

**FFdotNet version**

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Lots of praise to Allys777 for helping me to censor this chapter for FFdotNet. I thought about not posting the chapter here at all because the "bad" stuff was just everywhere, but she helped me to fix it. Find the link to the more detailed full version on my profile if you're a legal adult and like "bad" stuff.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**69: Can't help himself**

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_Epilogue 2.2: Lee and Gaara_

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He is strength and warmth. I am on top and I feel him under my palms pressing on his chest. His hands are calloused and grip my hips with security and gentle confidence. Sometimes he hides their gentleness for me and pretends to be just confident and secure. I like that. But this day he doesn't. I like when he doesn't too.

I love feeling him. It tells me that he is here and he is really with me. Physical closeness was a new concept for me, but I've embraced it. I feel him in my bones. The physical used to equate to violence with me and as I feel his strength and firmness, I know he is also fragile and can be easily broken. It's odd, how people can seem strong when they in truth are weaker than the gravel they walk on. It is contrast and it reminds me of myself. Sometimes I watch the vulnerable spots of him and know I can kill him in seconds. Sometimes I want to, to rid myself of feeling his strength when he is actually weak; but I have decided that is not me.

He moans and I close my eyes for a second to just feel him. His eyes have been closed for a while and his hands squeeze. Then the phone next to our hips rings and he jerks and his closed eyes open. He tenses and looks lost for a moment, but before he can act, with a gesture of my hand that I'll take care of this, I reach for the receiver.

The phone is there because Lee's trainer called just when we got home and they talked as I walked him to his room. They talked all through me undressing myself, but Lee hung up when I started to work on his clothes. 'We have double shifts tomorrow,' he said as he pulled his shirt over his head. 'Then we'll use today,' I mumbled and snaked my tongue between his lips.

"Yes," I say to the caller and sound like I'm watching boring news.

"Gaara?" Naruto sounds disappointed and confused. "Where is Lee?"

"Around," I say. Lee frowns and I mouth 'it's okay.'

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," I say. "Is it Sasuke again?"

Lee gestures at me to hang up the phone, but I shake my head. He's blushing worse than before, not nearly as accepting of being on the phone in the middle of sex as I am.

"Wha... N-no! You...!" Naruto fumbles with the words. "Why does it always have to be about Sasuke!?"

"He is still ignoring you, isn't he?"

"He is not ignoring me, he's...!" Naruto holds his breath hard and frantically searches for good words. When he fails he lets his breath out in a loud, frustrated sigh. "Yes! Yes, he's still ignoring me. Are you satisfied?"

"Very satisfied," I say and make eye contact to tell Lee that my words are more to him than to Naruto. I can keep it from my voice, but it is very satisfying. His dark eyes are squeezed shut again and his grip on my hips is bordering on painful.

"He's being an asshole," Naruto complains. "I try to save us from making things even worse and he acts like I insulted his... music or something."

"I heard about your fight."

"It wasn't a fight," Naruto mutters. "I tried to talk to him and he punched me in the face. Do you have any idea how much restraint it took not to punch him back? Luckily Iruka just got pissed at Sasuke. He said he liked my 'display of maturity'. I told him I just didn't want the sex ban to get longer, but he just said 'good'. I feel whipped."

"You are whipped."

"Hey! I wanna see you trying to handle a month without sex just after you discovered how great it is! Oh! Oh, and while your boyfriend ignores you because he's a bastard asshole who can't tell when you're being nice and smart. The only thing I want is to get this over with as quickly as possible."

"He's sexually frustrated," I say and the pleasure almost slips into my voice. I close my eyes and hear Lee strangle a moan.

"You think?" Naruto is sarcastic. "So am I! I just know it's better to wait for three more weeks than to give in now and be banned for a year. It's been a week already. But I want us to get through it together! I don't want him to go off sulking on his own, I want to... I want to be with him! I... thought we learned something... you know... last time."

Naruto sounds genuinely sad and one part of me feels bad about letting him talk about this now. Lee feels it too, despite the situation he's in; I can see it in his eyes and feel it in the way his fingers go from gripping to softly tracing on my hips. 'Be nice to him,' they say.

"Maybe he learned that he can't handle not being with you together with you."

There is a pause on the other end of the phone and a smile on Lee's face and in his tracing. _'Thank you.'_

"What...?" Naruto hesitates. "You mean like... he can't control himself?"

"Yes," I say. My voice lowers and I burrow my gaze in Lee's eyes. "You make him itch in an excruciatingly good way. You make him hot and turned on and he doesn't know what to do with the urge, the need. You make him fantasize and he can't help it. He does it on the bus, in class and in the canteen; in his bed before he goes to sleep, touching himself. He imagines you pushing him up against a wall, pulling his pants down and exposing him just enough and then..."

"Okay! Okay! Stop! I get it!" Naruto's voice cracks in every way possible and I can practically hear his burning cheeks and racing heart.

Lee should have been disappointed, as he usually is when I tease our friend, but now his eyes are glowing and I know what his fingers on me are saying and they are right. My eyes fall shut again.

"You want me to hang up now," I almost moan. "Before Lee comes."

"W-when is he coming back?" Naruto asks, too distracted with his own problem to realize what we are talking about.

"Not 'back'," I smile. "And any second now."

I click the red button and drop the phone on the bed.

"I know," I breathe a reply to his fingers toward the ceiling. "I'm evil."

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	70. Banned from you

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 4th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**70: Banned from you**

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_Epilogue 2.3: Naruto and Sasuke_

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Naruto sat in the kitchen and looked out the window in the direction of Sasuke's house. His elbows were on the table and his chin was in his hands. The snow was swirling outside making a haze of the distance and reminding Naruto of that dream he had had about Sasuke in the shower months ago when he and Sasuke fought. Naruto sighed. His fading black eye was itching and Sasuke was such an asshole.

He couldn't believe how they could have felt so good together less than two weeks ago when now it was like they were in separate universes. He had thought they were okay, but now Sasuke was distant, snappy and ignoring. He hadn't really looked at Naruto for over a week. Tuesday had been good, until first break when they almost broke the rules and Naruto showed Sasuke the photo. Was it about the photo? Was it about the rules? Naruto didn't know and he tried to tell himself he didn't care. Sasuke was just an asshole.

Kakashi had also been evil and decided that this was a perfect time to give Sasuke his own key. Yeah, 'you're grounded' clashed with 'you have to be at your boyfriend's house or freeze to death', but still... Because of the stupid key, Sasuke didn't have to come over after school anymore unless he wanted to and, being an asshole, of course he didn't. They hadn't been together outside of school since that Monday when Iruka had bothered them. All Naruto's attempts to visit Sasuke had been ignored or met with stupid excuses. The doorbell didn't work; neither did shouting nor banging on the door.

Naruto had tried to be understanding through Sasuke's awful, unboyfriendish behavior, but with yesterday and the punch he had had enough. Stupid, difficult, frustrating bastard. It hadn't been as surprising and confusing as the time before they went to see Sasuke's brother or as frustrating and out of control as when they fought those very first weeks, but nonetheless surprising and frustrating. The only reason Naruto had been able to keep himself from punching back was that he knew that the last thing they needed now was another sexless month; and it had still been a close call. 'What's wrong with you, you damned bastard!?' Naruto had yelled as Sasuke hurriedly stalked away from the scene. Then he had gone from just being ignored to ignoring Sasuke back.

Before he went to sleep (and after school, and before school and for hours during the weekend), Naruto looked at the most precious photo he'd ever laid eyes on and remembered Sasuke saying that Naruto made him happy, that he was in love and that he still wanted to do this with him. That weekend felt like two years ago, not two weeks on Sunday. What the hell had happened?

Okay, so Naruto understood. Sasuke was proud and being turned down like Naruto had turned him down that Tuesday must have been a blow to the guy's ego, but come on! It wasn't like Naruto hadn't wanted Sasuke; he had just wanted him more for the eleven sex crazy months that would follow the month without sex than he had wanted him for those twenty minutes of break. Yeah, okay, he could have been a little more gentle and diplomatic in his turning Sasuke down, but he hadn't dared to! He had been seriously worried about the consequences of being less firm and determined. You couldn't be wishy-washy when you were dealing with hormones. Sasuke was an idiot asshole if he held a grudge because of that.

There was Gaara's explanation too. Sasuke couldn't stand be together with Naruto without being **together **and therefore he stayed away. Naruto liked it, at the same time as it was silly. Hadn't they been together all the time without being together before? In school and on buses and stuff. They had spent months going out without touching each other's pants or the inside of them and it had been just fine. Sasuke wasn't that needy, was he?

Or maybe sex really did change your life; there were surprisingly many things left out of that book. At the same time as he liked it and found to silly, Naruto found Gaara's explanation horribly distracting. He thought about it, his mind wandered and wham! He was thinking about walls and Sasuke with his pants down and his legs spread and moaning and Naruto could just scream in frustration, because there were over two weeks left and hadn't these ten days that had passed been hell in December? He could completely understand if Sasuke found being together without being together difficult. Not that that excused the bastard's behavior. Naruto could understand, but did he run around avoiding Sasuke? No, he did not. This was not what Sasuke had meant that time when he said that he wouldn't run away again. This did not count.

Naruto sighed again and let his forehead clonk down to the table. This was what no sex did to them? What had they been before sex? He hated being grounded. No, he hated when Sasuke was being a frustrating, idiot asshole. They could have worked around just being grounded. It was frustrating, but sort of a challenge too, a creativity game. Naruto had plenty of ideas that involved no rule breaking, but had to be very satisfying. Naruto groaned. The clock ticked away on the wall.

The idea of what to do with his misery and the afternoon came to him suddenly. Because getting ignored when you tried to do something was really very frustrating and because he had decided to ignore Sasuke back, neither yesterday nor today after school had Naruto been over to try and get Sasuke to open the door, or called to see if the boyfriend answered. With this new idea however, Naruto might just be able to get around Sasuke's frustrating ignoring and that would change a lot. After a short moment of deliberation that resulted in him deciding that it was just the next level of knocking (right?), Naruto got dressed and ran outside.

He knew for a fact that one of their next door neighbors was out of town. They had left for a vacation on some sunny beach island, or so Iruka had said. That was good. It made things less complicated when he didn't have to ask for permission before borrowing their ladder and answer probably slightly tricky questions about what he needed it for. It was also fairly early in the afternoon so few had returned home from work yet, which was good because answering questions about why he was running down the street with their out-of-town neighbor's ladder in the middle of snowy December could be kind of tricky too; better if you didn't have to. Naruto almost stumbled and fell on Sasuke's lawn when he ran over a slippery spot, but he managed to stay on his feet.

It was a bit shaky, the ladder was long, and the snow kept blowing into his eyes. When he had fantasized about taking the window to Sasuke's room, this was not how he had imagined it. He had thought he could climb the rain gutter or just the wall, jump from on the window below or the nearby tree, or something similarly cool and creative. Using a ladder was so un-ninja like. But those fantasies had been in the summer, this was winter and snowy and cold; Naruto did not want to slip on a spot of ice and fall and break his neck. He wanted more sex! Being cool would have to get used to losing to the possibility of more sex (it already had yesterday when Naruto didn't punch back). Besides! Back then he hadn't been banned from Sasuke's room and now he was. It wasn't like he could hold onto the window pane for the entire 'what's wrong with you? Let's talk about this...' talk. Sasuke would think he was crazy. He would be crazy!

Naruto almost fell anyway when he reached the window and looked inside because Sasuke's close-up-and-staring-in-disbelief face was the first thing that greeted him. He startled, yelped and found himself swaying for a second before balance sorted itself out again. It was kind of worth it though, with the look of panic that ran to Sasuke's face. 'He does care...' Naruto had time to think and his insides warmed despite the snow and cold whirling around him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sasuke snarled through the window, disbelief returning and anger quickly replacing the panic once he saw that Naruto was okay.

"I wanna talk!" Naruto shouted. "I don't want you to ignore me anymore!"

"Get down from there and stop screaming."

"No!"

Sasuke looked frustrated beyond words.

"You're a fucking idiot!"

"And you're a fucking bastard!"

The beautiful angry boyfriend looked surprised by the choice of embellishment; Naruto was a bit surprised himself, but it felt fitting. Err... because it was a strong word, not because... Naruto scrunched up his face and thought 'oh, whatever...'

"Last week, I really wanted to do you!" he shouted. "I really, really wanted to, but I didn't want to get banned from you for a whole year!"

Surprise and frustration on Sasuke's face turned to embarrassment and frustration and Naruto thought he could see a hint of red on his cheeks. He really wanted the month to be over with.

"And I did what you said, I haven't put the photo on my wall I just keep it in my nightstand drawer, but I do look at it every night before I go to sleep. I'm sorry I turned you down so hard that time, but I don't trust myself around you. My hormones drive me crazy sometimes and I really don't want to have to stay out of your pants for a year."

It looked like Sasuke sighed. He rested his forehead against a palm and his fingers were beautiful. There was something in the air of him that told Naruto that it would be fine again.

"You're still a bastard for hitting me though!" he gathered more air and shouted before he couldn't be upset anymore. "Look at my eye! You don't have to get violent! I... I know I said it's better than you running away, but... every time? You should take that up with your shrink. And you're an asshole for ignoring me!"

"Could you stop screaming?" Sasuke muttered and Naruto barely heard through the glass. He sounded more tired than frustrated now and relief fluttered in his voice. One part of Naruto muttered and wondered what Sasuke had to be relieved about when it was he that had made a mess of everything in the first place, but the rest of him was just relieved too.

"If you stop ignoring me and let me come in," Naruto shout-muttered. "If you don't I'll stand here and scream until Iruka comes home."

"You'll leave when Iruka comes home?"

"Yeah. We need sex as soon as possible."

Sasuke snorted at that and the glitter in his eyes reminded Naruto of the most amazing photo ever. They looked at each other and the frustration and anxiety and all wrongness slip away. Sasuke really looked at him. Finally. Naruto had to smile.

'I missed you,' he said with his eyes, and Sasuke seemed to say 'sorry' with his.

"We don't have any hot chocolate," the beautiful guy on the inside said eventually and Naruto's smile grew.

"I just want to warm my hands," he said. "And kiss you."

Sasuke's lips curled softly and his eyes glittered even more. Naruto really loved seeing him smile.

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	71. Mother

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 8th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**71: Mother**

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_Epilogue 3.1: Sadako_

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A woman sits in a café and cradles a cappuccino in her hands. She studies the stained foam and thinks of the snow that now frames the roads in the city. The snow never stays white for very long here. It's sad, but at the same time she loves the city. She can't imagine an unstained cappuccino.

She was supposed to meet a man here an hour ago, but she has lost hope that he will show up. They met through a dating site and have talked many times online and on the phone. She doesn't know why he hasn't shown and tells herself that it's his loss, not hers. She tells herself now that she was not in love; it was just a charming picture (most likely not even his) together with a nice description (fake, of course) and a deep, sensual voice (frustratingly, that had to be real). She tells herself she did not think of that voice and that face and that physique in bed last night when her hands wandered and she imagined the end of their first real date of many, after dinner, a movie and drinks at her place.

Five years have passed since she passed thirty and she has five years left to find someone. Time moves so fast. One day she was young and life was ahead of her and now she is running to keep up. She will not admit that she is desperate, but deep down she knows that she is.

She knows that there are many qualities to her life that makes it a good one. Her job pays well, it's fulfilling and what she spent four years in university to educate herself in. It gives her just the right amount of challenge and lets her grow as a person. She has many friends, good looks, a lovely apartment in a good district and a pleasant personality (or so she's been told). But the man stays away.

Suddenly, without thinking she pulls out her cell phone, finds the second number on U and presses the dial button before she can change her mind. As soon as it's done, she does, change her mind. This is the wrong number. She should have called his work instead, not home, especially not at this time. It's the wrong time as well.

But something keeps her from hanging up. She watches the stained foam and is desperate. One signal sounds; two, three. Right after four the other side picks up and the woman's heart beats harder. But she frowns when she hears the voice.

"Yeah?"

It's a young, frustrated boy and completely unlike what she expected. For a second she wonders, but she quickly decides that this is not the voice of someone she knows.

"Who is it?" She hears someone call in the background and this voice she does recognize. Her heart punches her ribcage again. He must have grown since last time she saw him, when she drove there and secretly watched him from her car. Two years have passed and they grow fast in that age. Fifteen is centuries from thirteen. She wonders if he's still loud, grinning and full of energy. Maybe he dyed his hair.

"I... I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number," she says.

"Don't worry about it," the unknown boy mutters. He must be a friend. She sits with the phone against her ear for longer than maybe she should when he hangs up.

She wants to wake up in someone's arms and know that she's done it ten thousands of times before and will do it again until she or he dies. She wants little real life angels to come shuffling soon after, crawling into the bed and asking her for pancakes with honey, like she had when she was a child. She wants to smile and say 'sure' and send them off and then kiss her husband and tell him that she loves him.

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	72. Surveillance camera tapes

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 11th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**72: S****urveillance camera tapes**

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_Epilogue 3.2: The Sound_

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Three men and a woman stood outside the tall building, smoking and brooding and waiting anxiously for their fifth companion to return and put an end to their last excuse not to go inside. They had been waiting in silence for a while, but the silence had grown too heavy.

"I hate it when that kid fucks up our lives," the woman growled and spat on the ground.

"And the next time you come up with something, I swear I'll..." one of the men grumbled.

"It wasn't my fucking idea," she raised her voice in quick angry protest.

"So whose was it?"

"I don't know. Yours?" she snarled. "Fuckhead."

"Shut up," man number two sighed. "What does it matter?"

"We all agreed," said a third.

Man number two and the third stood next to each other and you had to be an idiot not to see that they were related.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," the woman grumbled.

"It was a good idea at the time," said the first man.

The first of December, three weeks earlier, the two guards on surveillance camera duty had nervously come shuffling with a tape and said they wanted the group's opinion on something one of the camera had caught. It had quickly been decided that their boss (and therefore the whole faction) would be better off not knowing what had taken place in the elevator that day.

Everyone was very aware of the boss's... frustration concerning Uchiha Sasuke's sudden departure and the circumstances surrounding it. He had managed to turn the situation to his advantage; the teen would have left eventually and now the boss got something out of it, but, of course, that didn't change the fact that their defenses had been an utter disaster that morning. It hadn't been one point of failure, but the combination of them all had been frightening.

They had been in the middle of a deal with a foreign contact and at those times everything was a little more chaotic. Sometimes people came that should be there even though you didn't recognize them, so instead of asking questions and risk insulting someone and possibly ruin the whole deal, you let them pass knowing that civilians would be stopped eventually (and were harmless anyway) and that no one wanted a war.

The guards on roof duty had been green and while certainly familiar with Gaara of the Sand as a story, not familiar with him as a face and a threat. The former murderer had left the Sand and was gone now, or so everyone had thought.

It had been a Sunday. Saturday was party day and humans were humans.

But that just explained the disaster, didn't make it any less disastrous and unacceptable (or the boss any less frustrated) and no one envied the ones that had been claimed responsible. It was understandable then, that the guards on surveillance camera duty had nervously sought advice and that the group had come to the decision they had come to. Making the boss even more frustrated had then been the last thing on everyone's want-to-do list.

They had known that the unedited tape would most likely eventually find its way to the boss's hands and their decision come back to bite them, but they had dared to hope it would take a little longer than three weeks. Maybe three years, or why not ten? How often did you look through surveillance camera tapes?

"He just had to hook up with a cocky kid," the woman muttered when the silence became too much again.

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	73. Christmas

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 15th 2008, Tuesday

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SandShadows inspired this chapter. Thank you! It was a wonderful idea.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**73: Christmas**

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_Epilogue 4.1: Sasuke_

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Sasuke felt like an idiot. He stood in front of the shelf for a long time and just looked at the back of the book. It was thicker than he had imagined, like something very difficult that shrinks had in their office bookcases to show that they were highly educated. 'Sex' the back said with black letters on white. Sasuke's heart was beating.

It was his last chance if he wanted to get it this year, tomorrow the library was closing for Christmas and New Years. Snow was piling up everywhere and the holiday decorations were all over everything; lights, candles, bells, Christmas trees, Santas, stars, wrapped gifts and tinsel; to say the town was sparkling was an understatement. Nothing beat Christmas time when it came to faking perfection and pretending everything was great when it wasn't and Sasuke's stomach had been aching more or less for weeks.

He supposed it wasn't just Christmas though. The aftermath of his running away had not gone unnoticed and it was more than the sex ban. There had been so many things that wanted to land when they came home from the city and Sasuke had spent more evenings crying than he'd done in years. He'd felt pathetic, heartbroken, grateful and overwhelmed. The imposed break from Naruto had proven good for sorting things out, once Sasuke had realized there was no way around it. He had felt bad for ignoring the blond, but known that he wasn't capable of dealing with it in any other way, and that the solitude would help in the long run. Despite the guilt, it had been a relief to be alone to really get lost in what he needed to get lost in.

But the punch had been too much and the end. Sasuke had decided that it was enough now and spent the day and a half that followed picking himself up from the ground and putting the pieces back together again. When Naruto came and yelled through his window, after the mandatory resisting because he was him, Sasuke had been relieved beyond words to get to unlock the door and let the shivering boyfriend into the house.

Now he was better. The crying fits had stopped and his mood had stabilized. Sasuke felt a bit frustrated though, that once again Naruto had been the one reaching out and pulling him back. It felt like it had been Sasuke's turn and he would have liked to be the one reaching out. But he supposed that was why he was here. Sasuke ran the tips of his fingers along the smooth back of the book. 'Sex', huh? There was one week left of the ban and tomorrow it was Christmas Eve.

Iruka and Naruto were excited beyond words. Or... well... Naruto was excited and Iruka was neurotic. Kakashi was excited too, though he tried to hide it.

Iruka was the very embodiment of what Sasuke didn't like about Christmas, with his cooking, shopping, decorating and struggling like a madman to make sure everything turned out just right. Sasuke had told the man once to just calm down. Who was going to shoot him if they didn't have the right nuts or if he didn't find that star that 'has always been gazing down on us from the top of the tree'? Iruka had looked surprised at first at Sasuke's comment and intervention, then he had laughed softly and said that he was right of course. Who would shoot him? But it didn't take long for the man to fall back into the Christmas panic.

When it came to Naruto Sasuke hadn't even tried. The blond wasn't nearly as easily turned as his adoptive father and Sasuke didn't want to go into why it was idiotic to get excited about just another day of the year. He let Naruto keep on decorating and grinning and guessing what he'd get when Santa finally came with his reindeers and sleigh and obscenely huge bag ('maybe we'll get ungrounded!'). Sasuke hadn't even raised a disbelieving brow and asked 'you know there is no actual Santa, right?', even though he had started to worry.

Kakashi knew of Sasuke's dislike of the season and tried to keep his spirits down, but Sasuke could tell that he was excited too. It had come crawling slowly, the realization of how much Kakashi wanted this. He wanted the normalcy that Sasuke despised; or at least that Sasuke should despise. A part of him had started to claim that there was a difference between faked perfection and normalcy and that they didn't necessarily both have to be incarnations of evil. It felt strange, even more so because it didn't feel like such an absurd claim to the rest of him.

Sasuke sighed and his stomach swirled as he made up his mind and finally took the book from its shelf. It was heavy. Like Naruto hadn't told Sasuke when he borrowed the book, Sasuke wouldn't tell Naruto. It felt horribly corny and too perverted, but it could be an almost one week late Christmas present. Sasuke remembered the time when he had thought that around Christmas Naruto would have gathered enough courage to put his hands in Sasuke's underwear. If he had known then how much would happen before Christmas, how many emotional rollercoasters he would have to ride, he wasn't sure he would have dared to get out of that play house; so he was glad he hadn't known.

Sasuke walked quickly to the counter once the book had been taken and dumped it in front of the librarian, mentally wincing at how the black 'Sex' screamed against its white background. The old, thin woman behind the counter sighed and took the book without looking at him and started typing on the computer.

"Do you have a library card?" she said, staring at the screen and sounding as bored as she looked.

"No," Sasuke said.

First then the woman looked up and peered at Sasuke through narrowed eyes. She made a face and sighed again. Pulling out a box from a shelf she handed over a card together with a form.

"Write your name, address and phone number and that number there on the card."

Sasuke wrote.

He walked out into the cold, the snow and the Christmas decorations with the heavy book in a bag and a library card in his pocket. The sky above his head was dark enough that the afternoon felt like night. As he left the center of town and walked towards home, Sasuke marveled at how okay it felt. Despite lights and trees and Santas and tinsel being everywhere, it was pathetic compared to what must decorate the streets of the city. The stores were tiny at best and the people out walking or driving their cars would drown in the masses of the infamous city Christmas rush. Sasuke had never tried to get a library card to borrow books in the city, but if he had tried he was sure that it wouldn't have been that easy. How could the librarian know that he was Uchiha Sasuke and that what he had written was his address and phone number?

And yet it felt okay. It was just fine.

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	74. He can touch winter

**Almost Sucks**  
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 18th 2008, Friday

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Lots and lots of thanks to slyswn28 for the inspiration. Without you this epilogue wouldn't have happened.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**74: He can touch winter**

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_Epilogue 4.2: Itachi_

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He breathes clouds and his toes are cold. His coat is not really made for winter, but with only fifteen minutes outside warmer clothing is not necessary. And this day the sun is out. The glittering white field in front of him is so bright that he has to squint. The world is silent and still.

The softly waved snow stretches so far and is so untouched that something inside him longs to run. He has nowhere to go; the snow would get into his shoes, stick to the legs of his pants and melt; they would drug him afterwards and it would take months before they let him go outside again. But he wants to run. He wants something to change. He wants to reach to the other side of the field and see his world from outside.

He closes his eyes instead and squats and reaches down. Taking a handful of snow, the cold meets his fingers and it is welcome. He easily forms the whiteness with his hands and the surface melts against his skin, sending water running down his wrists and between his fingers. With no gloves he can touch winter and winter can touch him.

It is the twenty fourth of December and there are five minutes left of his time outside. He spends them feeling and watching the snow melt in his hands; then he drops what remains of it, stands again and casts one last look on the white field, before turning and following the nurse inside.

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	75. Warm

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 22nd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**75: Warm**

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_Epilogue 4.3: Naruto and Sasuke_

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It was warm; the light, the smells, the feeling inside and the body sitting under the blanket with Naruto in the sofa in the living room. Sasuke was fully dressed and Iruka and Kakashi were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner but Naruto couldn't stop thinking about how similar the feeling was to when they were naked and alone and pressed together in bed; not the sexual stuff, the urgency and the raw pleasure, but the soothing, content warmth.

The TV was on low and the tree was full of lights and glitter; beneath the decorated branches lay presents that they would open when the parents were finished in the kitchen. They were waiting; Iruka and Kakashi had said it was okay. Sasuke had frowned at first when Naruto threw the blanket over them and cuddled close, because this was the living room and they were not alone; but there was nothing sexual about this and he had submitted eventually.

"You want me to crack you a nut?" Naruto said, softly, low; not wanting to disturb the warmth.

"No," Sasuke said, his voice low too. Naruto put his head on his shoulder and nuzzled closer.

"I could get you some of Iruka's chocolate and marzipan candies," he said once he'd gotten comfortable. "Or something warm to drink."

"I'm good," Sasuke said.

Naruto smiled. Their hands were joined under the blanket.

"So am I."

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	76. Your mind away

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 25th 2008, Friday

**FFdotNet version**

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Full version available for legal adults, check my profile for links.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**76: Your mind away**

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_Epilogue 4.4: Sasuke and Naruto_

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About a week before the sex ban came to an end Iruka had sat both Sasuke and Naruto down by the kitchen table and after a long moment of closed eyes and a 'come on, you can do this' expression on his face given them The Talk.

Naruto had desperately tried to get them out of it as soon as he realized what was going on, going on about the book and how they really knew everything they needed to know. 'The second time was great!' he had almost yelled. Iruka had not been convinced. He had gone through the physical part, the emotional part and the responsibilities and risks (a.k.a. 'condoms are more important for you now than homework') part. Sasuke didn't think he had ever been so embarrassed before and hoped he never would be again.

Still (he had to be crazy), only a few days later Sasuke had sought Iruka out and made sure they were alone.

'We can start having sex again on Tuesday morning, right?' he had said. 'Could I get a couple of hours in his room?'

As expected, Iruka had appreciated Sasuke's sincerity. He had even given more than Sasuke had asked for.

'We could go for a drive,' he had said. 'Kakashi and I. You have been good this month.'

Good thing. Knowing they would be alone in the house without Iruka's hawk senses was a relief, even if it was somewhat disturbing to know that the man would know what they'd be doing. Kakashi would know too, of course; he had been teasing Sasuke about his second sex debut (was there even such a thing?) for days. At least they wouldn't know for sure. Sasuke didn't think Iruka's senses could pick up details and Kakashi had mostly teased about condoms.

Still, the hint of 'oh, you horny teenagers are so adorable' in Iruka's voice when he said it had for a second almost changed Sasuke's mind about the whole thing.

It didn't feel like a month. It felt like a week, or an hour, or a year. It felt like he had never been inside Naruto's pants. Reading that book had been one thing; actually standing outside Naruto's bedroom, knowing what he would do (unless Naruto stopped him, of course), was like something born in a different universe. It was early, early in the morning; much too early to be up on a holiday, way before ten, but that was how Sasuke wanted it to be. He wanted to wake Naruto up to avoid him running off and doing something on his own and mess things up. While Naruto hadn't been talking about the day when they'd be allowed to have sex again, Sasuke knew he had been thinking about it. Surely he must have some sort of plan.

But it was Sasuke's turn now; this was his thing. He wanted to pull them closer together now when they had been apart. Their second time had been sort of Sasuke's thing; his idea, him bringing the lube from the bathroom and... But this would be even more his thing. He had planned, prepared and decided.

They had been physically away from each other like boyfriends for a month, aside from a few kisses here and there and Naruto's cuddling. After Sasuke's time of solitude during the first half of the ban, they had spent time together but they had been careful; it was difficult and frustrating to be together without being free to really be together and somehow they had both known and respected that. Even Naruto, who always charged at challenges like a madman, had respected the difficulty. It had reminded Sasuke of the time before their first time. They had stayed together but kept their distance. Sasuke hadn't been able to keep himself from thinking that it was mostly his fault. Now that it was time to be together again, he wanted to be the one to initiate it.

Sasuke was nervous, of course. His heart was pounding, his hands fisted and sticky. He felt nothing like planned, prepared and decided. It was like everything that he had spent days studying had fled from his mind. He felt like an idiot; silly and overdramatic and perverted and slutty. Just getting off was one thing, but... What the hell was he doing?

'I will be together with my boyfriend,' he told himself. 'It will just be him and me being together, nothing more. Nothing less.'

Sasuke pressed down the handle and pushed the door open and winced as it creaked. But there was not a sound or a movement from the form in the bed to indicate that Naruto had heard. Sasuke stepped inside and his heart jumped at the sight of the blond sprawled out on the bed. Half his back was bare, as was one of his legs and an arm. The comforter had slid halfway to the floor and in one corner of the bed the sheets had been pulled up. The blond hair was a mess. Naruto looked older sleeping like that and a tingle wandered to rest between Sasuke's legs. They were allowed now.

Sasuke fell on his knees beside the bed and dragged a hand along Naruto's arm first, fingers to elbow to shoulder. The fingers twitched, but Naruto didn't move. Sasuke smiled, his eyes not leaving the skin. It was so warm and Naruto's breathing was like the pulse of the room, soft and steady. Sasuke leaned closer, went to the leg and did the same; starting from the ankle he dragged his fingers, moving up the shin, over the inside of the knee (the leg jerked) and the inside of the thigh. When he came high enough Sasuke let his palm connect with the skin as well and journeyed under the comforter as the warmth grew hotter. Eventually the blond moaned, tiredly and questioningly, and the leg moved.

"Hey," Sasuke breathed.

Naruto moaned questioningly again, and shifted his whole body. Sasuke ran his hand further up and over the underwear covering Naruto's ass, letting the tips of his fingers trail the soft inside of the cheek through the fabric. The muscles under his palm and fingers tensed. Sasuke's heart was pounding.

"I hope you're a dream," Naruto mumbled into his pillow, the voice so muffled that Sasuke almost couldn't make out the words. "Because I don't want to have to stop you."

Sasuke smiled, his hand staying on Naruto's back just above the waistline of the underwear.

"Because even if we can have sex today you're still not allowed in my room," the blond clarified.

"You don't have to stop me," Sasuke said softly.

Naruto shuddered against the pillow and Sasuke saw the deep breath move through his form.

"Good," he sighed.

"Iruka let me have a couple of hours," Sasuke said. As he had expected, at the words Naruto tensed again. When no words came from the blond, Sasuke continued.

"He left with Kakashi fifteen minutes ago. We have until they're back."

Still no words. Sasuke was nervous, but only part of him. A soft smile was still on his lips.

"You're really here?" Naruto asked eventually, finally. The tone of his voice, so relieved and desperate for a 'yes', made Sasuke's smile grow.

"I am," he whispered.

Naruto groaned, moaned and whimpered in relief and shifted again against the bed under the comforter.

"You made a deal with Iruka," he moaned.

"Yes," Sasuke said. He moved closer then, moved his hand to wrap his arm around Naruto's hips and press a kiss to his hipbone. Naruto shifted more and Sasuke looked to see the blue eyes peer at him. They were smiling.

"Sneaky," he said. "You don't get up before ten. I was going to surprise you."

"I know," Sasuke raised a brow and breathed in the smell of Naruto's skin coated with glistening saliva from his kiss.

"Sneaky," Naruto said again and let a hand down to fall on Sasuke's face. "What do you have planned now?"

Sasuke kissed the gentle fingers and for a moment let himself be caressed. He was lucky to be here and to get this. Then he pulled away, unwrapped the arm he had around Naruto and pulled his shirt over his head. Sasuke kept his eyes locked on Naruto's and noticed how something in those blue eyes changed as he bared himself. The shirt was dropped to the floor and Naruto blinked slowly.

"Strip and lie on your back," Sasuke said as he moved his hands to his pants and pushed them down his legs, revealing no underwear and arousal.

It was not an order really, but a little more force and it could have been. Naruto jerked into motion, cleared his throat and swallowed. He looked nervous and excited and Sasuke felt more confident, even though deep down he knew that his heart was pounding too. Naruto shifted around on the bed, onto his back, adjusted the comforter and pulled his wayward leg back under cover. Soon the underwear dropped out on the floor. Sasuke made sure he met the blue eyes when Naruto was finished and looked at him again. Everything was straightened out and the blond lay like a neatly packed sardine in a can with his hands on the comforter; the only thing giving away his lack of innocence was the tent-shaped bulge in the middle.

"Done," Naruto almost squeaked and Sasuke snorted at how whipped he sounded all of a sudden. Really didn't take much to distract him.

"Now, let me come in," Sasuke murmured and let a soft smirk form on his lips.

He could be nervous, he could think of Iruka and Kakashi knowing what they were doing and feel stupid, he could think about all the instructions and pointers he had read and things he had heard and of last time that was different but not entirely; he could if he let himself, but he didn't.

Sasuke lifted the edge of the comforter and supporting his weight on the floor and the bed he crawled inside. The darkness and warmth enveloped his face and he pressed his cheek against Naruto's tensing stomach. He shifted and slipped more of his body inside and felt the hard-on poke his skin. His stomach swirled. They were allowed. He ran his hands along Naruto's sides and legs and then he pushed himself upwards. Sasuke purposefully let his body slide against the hardening flesh and enjoyed the sounds of the blond moaning. When Sasuke came back into the light and the cool air of the outside again he was face to face with the blushing boyfriend, Naruto breathing against his mouth. Sasuke's face was warm as well. One of his legs was between Naruto's and the friction between them made it difficult to keep eyes open.

"Are you sure we're allowed?" the blond whispered against Sasuke's lips.

"Yes," Sasuke breathed and when Naruto's hands found their way to his side, his waist, along his hips and further up to his ass, Sasuke had to close his eyes. He thrust down and they both moaned. They kissed and Naruto tasted so much better when they were naked and together and his hands were exploring Sasuke's body.

"We have a lot of condoms left," the blond murmured when their lips slipped apart and his fingers got bolder. "And lube."

Curious, bold, teasing fingers. Sasuke shivered and remembered last time. That second time had been nice. He swallowed and let his own fingers go questing on Naruto's chest.

"Or I could do you," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the boyfriend's lips again.

Naruto swallowed.

"Y-yeah."

"You asked me how it felt, remember?"

"Yeah," Naruto's voice had gained some strength and he kissed back. "Do you want to?"

It was amazing really, how much confidence they had all of a sudden, like they had been doing it for years. There wasn't a worried bone in Sasuke's body. Nervousness over what he wanted to do, yes, but that was it.

"No," he breathed against Naruto's lips. "Not now. I want to do something else."

Sasuke lifted his head and looked down at Naruto and found a soft frown on the boyfriend's forehead. Curiosity.

"What?" the blond wanted to know.

Nervousness swirled, but also strangely excitement. Sasuke had to smirk. He shifted downward and kissed first Naruto's chin, then his throat, then between his collar bones. He shifted again and let Naruto's hard-on poke at his stomach. Naruto's hands found their way to his shoulders.

"What are you doing?" the boyfriend sounded like he knew but couldn't quite...

"There were a lot of interesting things in that book," Sasuke breathed against Naruto's chest and then kissed the same spot and Naruto's hands squeezed. Sasuke's hands wandered too. The fingers of one made a trip around a nipple and the fingers of the other found their way to the inside of Naruto's thighs.

"You... read the book?"

"I did," Sasuke said. His shoulders were level with Naruto's hipbones now and his face with his stomach. He kissed the tensing muscles.

"W-what... did you read about?"

"Sex."

"A-are... Are you really...?"

Sasuke smiled against Naruto's skin and went even lower.

-

It didn't take long for the boyfriend to tense and go still, his last moan high-pitched. Naruto's thighs were sticky with sweat and he panted and whined even afterwards, tossing tiredly this way and that. Sasuke found himself panting too. What the hell had he done? He wiped off his body as best he could with his sticky hand.

"You... Did you just...? Was that...? How...?" Naruto still couldn't form sentences.

Sasuke breathed out deeply. He left confusion behind him and moved up again until his head popped out into light and cooler air and he would see Naruto's flushed face, shiny with sweat. The boyfriend looked a mix of utter amazement and worry that it had all been just a dream. Sasuke paid him back for last time, kissing the boyfriend and sharing the taste that still lingered in Sasuke's mouth. Naruto didn't seem to mind at all, his hand came up and rubbed Sasuke's scalp.

"They had a whole chapter on blowjobs," Sasuke said when they broke apart.

"I know," Naruto breathed and his blue eyes glittered. Then his hand wandered to where Sasuke's skin had been painted with pleasure when he pulled back.

"You're all messy," he mumbled and for a moment he looked mesmerized by the sight.

"I forgot to bring tissue," Sasuke grumbled and shifted away from the fingers spreading out the mess. "Stop that."

Naruto untucked his sheets and used them as a towel. 'They need to be changed anyway,' he said when Sasuke protested. When he was done, Naruto pulled Sasuke against him and cuddled.

"Was it gross?" he mumbled. "You're not hard anymore."

"It was distracting," Sasuke muttered. "Not gross."

"Do you want me to do you?"

"I just wanted to do it for you."

"If you want to, I'll do it," Naruto said.

"It's fine," Sasuke said. "Some other time."

"But then we can't be here," Naruto's smile could be heard in his voice. "School is okay? Or the kitchen?"

He pressed a kiss to Sasuke's ear.

"I want to do you in the kitchen," he breathed and then giggled and Sasuke had to shudder at the thought, in a good way. He could sit on the counter or the table and watch the head between his thighs. Naruto suddenly giggled again.

"I had this dream," he said. "Before you woke me up. You were... making pancakes. You were standing by the stove and you wore this really cute apron and you smiled at me and said..."

Naruto snorted and slapped a hand over his eyes. His grin was contagious and Sasuke couldn't help but smile.

"What?" he asked, though he knew it had to be embarrassing.

"'How...?' 'How badly do you want my cream?'" Naruto's stomach muscles were clenching as he snorted his laughter through his nose. Sasuke punched his arm lightly.

"My cream, huh?"

"I'm serious, you said that, I swear. I can't believe you blew me."

They were both smiling. Sasuke's cheeks hurt. Naruto lifted a hand and slipped it into Sasuke's hair and caressed his scalp again.

"Why did you wanna do that for me?" he mumbled, still smiling.

Sasuke shrugged and tried to make it seem less than it had been and not embarrassing.

"Why not?" he said. "I thought you'd like it."

"I did," Naruto smiled so that his nose wrinkled. "I loved it. It was incredible."

"And you'll do it for me some other time."

"I will," Naruto murmured and kissed Sasuke again. Sasuke wondered if the blond could still taste himself in Sasuke's mouth.

They lay together in silence for many more moments, close together, and Sasuke found himself thinking. He thought about things they had been through and things they would go through in the future.

They would change schools next year, after the summer holiday. Kakashi and Iruka would go on with their family plans. Gaara would keep teasing them and Lee would keep trying in vain to change his mind about it. Shikamaru would come and visit, sleep over and meet Iruka. Tsunade would come and visit and meet Iruka too. She would shake his hand and glance at Sasuke and her eyes would say that she knew how the man's rules frustrated him sometimes.

They would have more sex. Sasuke had not just studied blowjobs and was more than ready to show Naruto how it felt. Next time.

There was a new year coming this evening.

"What are you thinking?" Naruto said softly, as if he knew that the thoughts had been special.

"I'm thinking..." Sasuke said and then he turned his head to look at the one beside him. "That it feels better when you're close to me."

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	77. Sunday morning

**Almost Sucks  
**by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers  
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first time: July 27th 2008, Sunday  
second time: February 15th 2009, Sunday

**The End**

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And here is the end. This has been an absolutely amazing project to work on. The characters have been wonderful, you readers have been amazingly supportive and I have learned so much about the writing process. It's been three years, one month and ten days since I started this. Wow.

To the characters, thank you! It's been such an amazing privilege, getting to work with you and scribbling down this story. You've taught me so much. I wouldn't trade these years with you for anything.

To the readers, thank you so much for reading, and to you guys reviewing, thank you so much for letting me know what you think. I am very grateful to all of you. I'm sorry for taking so long, but I hope that you have enjoyed reading this piece of fan fiction as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I will miss you guys so much!

This is the end of the story. There could be some oneshots in the future as I still have some things I would like to deal with in the Almost Sucks universe, possibly even a sequel, but they will be posted separately.

Take good care of yourselves and have lots of fun! I hope you will enjoy the last epilogue.

*huggles*  
Mashiro

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I'm just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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**77: Sunday morning**

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That New Years had been even more fun. The food had been tastier, the fireworks bigger and the company improved beyond words. Last year's company hadn't been bad, it was just that the two extra guests (one of them especially) had made this year's company so incredibly good. Kakashi and Gai had spent the evening competing in strange little games and Sasuke had ignored Gaara's attempts to bother him but not Gaara's siblings' attempts to get to know him. He had been a bit stiff and uncomfortable, but not rude. He had not wanted to kiss Naruto in public to greet the new year, but he had made up for it later.

It was a good thing though, in a way, that they hadn't kissed in public. Naruto hadn't been able to focus on Sasuke's mouth without recalling the feel of those amazing lips wrapped around him that morning and he did not want to the consequences of recalling that if they weren't alone. Oh, and that was another reason why this New Years had been so superior to last year's. What could beat having your boyfriend wake you up after one month of sex ban and give you your very first blowjob ever? And it hadn't just been the blowjob (though it would have certainly been enough), it had also been the fact that Sasuke had taken the time and effort to borrow the book, study and get up before ten just because he had wanted to do something for Naruto.

'I wish we'll be together forever,' Naruto had closed his eyes and whispered his New Year's wish, hoping that the ones in charge of this year's New Year's wishes were as efficient as the ones in charge of last year's had been.

-

Naruto liked being on the bottom. He hadn't thought he would dislike it, but he liked it more than he had expected to. It wasn't just that it felt good; it felt good, really good sometimes, but that wasn't the biggest nice thing.

The biggest nice thing was that for some reason, even though it was horribly silly that it should make a difference, when Sasuke was on top it felt like he really, **really** cared about Naruto. When he was nestled between Naruto's legs and his hips were pressed close, close to Naruto's hips, somehow Sasuke's arms and his hands wrapped around and running over Naruto's body felt ten times warmer and ten times more real. He was in charge of things; he was doing where usually he responded to what Naruto did. It shouldn't have made a difference, but it did.

Maybe it could have been their first time that had nagged in Naruto's brain, but one part of him had felt like when he had been on top, Sasuke could have just gone along with it without really wanting too; because Naruto wanted to, because he didn't want to seem boring, or whatever. They had talked about it and Sasuke had said it was bullshit, but the thought had kept nagging. And then when Sasuke was on top it was like he said that he wanted to, really.

The first time they had gone all the way after the sex ban had been Naruto's first time on the bottom. Sasuke had been so careful, so gentle and so caring. His eyes had been filled with nervousness and worry even though he had tried to act all confident and educated. When it was done, Sasuke going soft inside his body, Naruto had started crying and it had been impossible to stop.

Sasuke had half-panicked while trying to seem like he wasn't half-panicking and it had been so endearing that the crying had only gotten worse. His demand for an explanation and refusal to accept Naruto's 'it's fine, I'm happy!' almost incoherent because of all the sniffling and tears and running snot, had had the same effect. Turning the relief and the stupid worry that wasn't supposed to have even really been there into words just made it all the more tangible and overwhelming.

While thinking about Sasuke's reactions to his first time on the bottom had done nothing to stop the tears either (the opposite rather), it had helped to make Naruto feel less like a seriously overreacting girl.

The day after Naruto had felt like he'd been run over by two trucks one carrying physical and the other emotional exhaustion and he had almost scared Iruka with his lethargy. Sasuke had been slightly more careful around him; not so much that everyone else noticed, but enough that Naruto did and that was enough for his eyes to tear up again. Sasuke had been flustered and snarled 'stop that!' and Naruto had sniffled and whined 'I know! I just...!'

It had taken time and convincing before Sasuke let Naruto bottom again, but being on top was great too.

-

Naruto had always heard people talk about spring being the time of love, but once the turbulent beginning of it had passed, starting with Sasuke's New Year's surprise, winter had been sizzling. Every opportunity had been used to make up for their month away from each other and Naruto's creativity had been thrilled by the hunt for new places and ways to explore their sexuality in. He was sure that was the reason why this winter, once it had gotten cold, had turned out to be one of the coldest in years. Nature had to protect itself somehow, right?

Sasuke had kicked Naruto when he shared that theory on one Wednesday evening in mid February. Iruka had had a meeting with the parents of the students in his class and Kakashi had conveniently realized it was perfect star gazing weather (Naruto had learned to appreciate the man's perverted and accepting mind and ignore the comments afterwards). They had been sprawled on the kitchen floor in Naruto's house next to the stove, panting and half-naked (keeping some clothes on was both exciting and convenient), still grounded from each other's rooms.

'The eco system is really good at balancing things,' Naruto had said and grinned, tracing spirals on Sasuke's stomach with the leftover pleasure on his fingers.

'You think you're horny enough to affect the weather?' Sasuke had raised a brow.

'You think your needy moans during sex aren't sexy enough to...' Naruto had been cut of by his own yelp as Sasuke's heel came flying.

'My moans are not needy,' Sasuke had grumbled, cheeks red.

'Sure they are,' Naruto had been stubborn.

Before Sasuke had a chance to protest again they had both panicked as a car pulled up on the driveway. Yes, they were allowed to have sex now, but that didn't mean they wanted to be caught doing it, or afterglowing. An incredible amount of excellent teamwork had had them both dressed and decent and the floor and nearby furniture spotless when Iruka came in, arms wrapped around groceries, apologizing for being late ('I stopped by the store to get some things'). Naruto had had nightmares after that about the man coming home ten or fifteen minutes earlier and them being so absorbed in their activities that they didn't hear a thing.

-

They had moved in March. The mother of one of Iruka's co-workers had had enough of the town life and decided to move to the city and sell her house. It lay on the edge of a residential area on the other side of town and was much bigger than the houses they had lived in before, with a big yard and the forest that Lee and Naruto had played in when they were kids right behind it. It was closer to Sasuke and Naruto's school, to Iruka's school, to Lee's house, to Gaara's apartment and, despite its seemingly more secluded location, closer to the town center and bus station. Kakashi's school was a bit further away, unfortunately, but he had said he was fine with it.

It had been sad to leave the house he had grown up and created memories in, but Naruto liked the new house too. It was easier to get to everyone from there and they didn't have to take the bus to school every day. The forest was really close and that was good. Iruka liked picking mushrooms and berries when it was the season for that. It was bigger too, the new house. There were four of them now and bigger families needed bigger houses. For example, the second bathroom in the new house had a shower, making it much more useful in the mornings. In both Naruto and Sasuke's old houses the second bathroom had only had a toilet.

Naruto had also eventually grudgingly agreed that there might be good things about him and Sasuke not sharing a room with a double bed, even if they were very, very few. They were pretty different when it came to how they wanted their rooms, after all. Naruto liked his relaxed and natural (no, a few shirts and boxers on the floor did not make a room messy) and Sasuke was more like Iruka. Besides, having his boyfriend one corridor away was still a huge improvement from before. 'Think of it as anticipation building,' Kakashi had said, smiling, earning a glare from Sasuke and a slap on the arm from Iruka.

One of the first things they had done when they had moved in was repaint the walls, ceiling and floor in Naruto and Sasuke's rooms. The old wallpaper had been really boring and worn. It had been great, picking colors, and Naruto had gone for a bold three walls orange and one blue (Iruka had agreed only when Naruto agreed to let the ceiling and floor be white). Sasuke had chosen colors similar to what had been in his old room. They had also built a new CD bookcase in Sasuke's room. He had been upset enough about leaving behind the one in his old room to actually voice his displeasure. 'Can't we take it apart and put it back together again there?' he had asked, forehead wrinkled in angry frustration. Iruka had said it would be much easier to just build a new one and once the idea was there, he had been excited about the opportunity to dust off his tools and see if his skills were still intact. Apparently (Naruto had been as surprised as Sasuke and Kakashi) Iruka had spent a couple of years as a carpentry apprentice.

-

It was Sunday, morning, the end of April and the last day of Easter holiday. They sat gathered by the table, Naruto and Sasuke and Iruka and Kakashi. Naruto sat by the window and the sun shone in and warmed his back.

Two toasts shot out of the toaster and landed on the table. Naruto grabbed one of them and Kakashi the other one. Iruka frowned and swept together some crumbs that had strayed in the action. Kakashi had been bored one evening when Iruka was out and tampered with the appliance, giving it extra power as it ejected the finished slices of toast. The first time they used it afterwards Iruka had been so startled that he spilled his morning tea, even luring a smile out of Sasuke. But it had only been funny for about two seconds, until Iruka snapped out of his surprise. Naruto hadn't thought it was possible to scold grown ups, but apparently it was. He had wondered if one day when they were grown up Sasuke would scold him for something funny he had done. It seemed quite likely.

The morning reminded Naruto of the very first time they had sat together around a table, exactly two hundred and sixty five days ago (he had counted the days on a calendar the evening before). That had been a Sunday too, and Sasuke had been surly just like he was now. He ate Iruka's homemade toast slowly and in tiny bites, looking like it was the most awful thing he had eaten. He had different reasons this day though; instead of being upset because he had been forced to move without wanting to, today Sasuke was just upset because it was too early and he had been forced to have breakfast. The scowl would be gone by noon, Naruto was sure of it; especially if Iruka and Kakashi went through with what they were in the middle of planning.

"We could stop by Life on our way there and look at that kitchen table set," Iruka said. "They're open until one today. Are you two sure you don't want to come?"

"We're sure!" Naruto hurried to say. Kakashi and Iruka were going on a daytrip drive to a green house garden because Iruka wanted some inspiration for their backyard. Naruto had liked going on daytrips, as it made the weeks a little less the same all the time, but these days, with a boyfriend around, getting some alone time was much more interesting.

Iruka narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Just... don't get carried away," he mumbled.

Naruto felt his cheeks warm and saw Sasuke straighten and stiffen in his chair, looking even surlier as he blushed too. Kakashi got extra cheerful.

"I... Iruka!" Naruto whined.

"It's just... It's... unhygienic," the man muttered and looked a bit flustered himself.

"Stop!" Naruto demanded, slapping hands over his ears.

It had been the single most embarrassing moment in Naruto's life, even worse than those nightmares he'd had. They had been in the kitchen again and too distracted to hear the car when Iruka came home early from work. The horror had sent Naruto falling off the counter and he had hit his head on the old decorative stove that Iruka loved so much about their new kitchen. Lots of blood, a hundred times more embarrassment and three stitches. In the hospital Iruka had blurted that it was a riding accident, only realizing when he'd already said it what a bad fake accident he had picked. Naruto's ears had been burning, having to answer questions about the nonexistent horse, being told that he shouldn't be afraid to get back up again and 'how refreshing with guys riding!'. Iruka's ears had been burning too. Fortunately Sasuke had been outside in the waiting room. For weeks after that they had been much less adventurous in their experimenting.

"Right," Iruka cleared his throat. "Just... right."

Sasuke slammed his cup of coffee back down on the table, Naruto drank more milk and Kakashi was still smiling.

Sasuke went back to his room right after breakfast and warned Naruto against waking him again before eleven. 'But you get up at ten!' Naruto protested, horrified at the waste of alone time, but Sasuke was unyielding. Unwilling to express the real source of his frustration Naruto grumbled instead over being the only one helping with the dishes; naturally Iruka promising that Sasuke would do his share after dinner didn't help much.

The parents left around ten. Naruto sighed as the door closed and glared in the direction of Sasuke's door. That guy could be such a bore sometimes. Sleep over sex? You'd think he wasn't a sexually active hormonal teenager.

Naruto spent the first ten minutes or so sorting the condoms they had left and agonizing over the fact that they would eventually run out. It was Naruto's turn to buy and shopping for condoms was not fun. Last time, when preparing for their very first time, Naruto had been hiding behind the magazine rack for ages before he dared to make a move, because of all the guys from school. He had run to the counter and panicked after only a few seconds of browsing and grabbed everything he could, losing over a month's allowance in the process. He had known there were a lot of different kinds of condoms but it had never been a problem before. And of course he had ended up with the slow cashier.

It would be easier now, as the combination of experience and Sasuke's sex book studies had made sure that they knew good condoms from bad ones, but it was still embarrassing.

Lube was even more embarrassing but fortunately they didn't have to worry about that for a while. A week before Christmas a truck had arrived at Gaara's apartment and the driver had unloaded a whole crate full of Easy Slide. Apparently Gaara (with the help of Shikamaru's computer wizard friend) had convinced the manufacturers that his apartment was a pharmacy in desperate need of lube. The internet was a truly amazing thing. Gaara had handed out half the crate as Christmas gifts to his friends and his friends' parents (Iruka had been quite speechless) and Sasuke had thrown a fit when he heard that Shikamaru had been given his share too.

'He's not even gay!' he had yelled.

Gaara had frowned and looked surprised.

'You didn't know?'

'He's not!'

It had been messy, but at least they had lube now.

After the condoms had been sorted and he had decided which one they should use once he could wake Sasuke up, Naruto went downstairs and spent twenty minutes with the Playstation. He had planned to spend all remaining forty minutes, but after twenty he gave up because he kept getting his ass kicked because he couldn't concentrate. He kept thinking about Sasuke sleeping in his bed and how adorable he had to look (he always looked adorable when he slept when he was grumpy) and what they could have been doing if the guy had been more of a morning person.

The last thirty minutes Naruto sat on the floor in the hall leaning against Sasuke's door and tried to study for the geography test they had next week; not because he expected to remember anything, he was distracted after all, but because he could tell Iruka he had studied.

At exactly eleven Naruto opened the door to Sasuke's room and quietly snuck inside. Curtains covered the windows and it was dark. The room smelled of Sasuke and Naruto's skin tingled. In the middle of the bed lay a dark comforter larva with a black tousle of hair. Sasuke looked so much younger and more innocent and cuter when only his hair showed, and part of Naruto wanted to just 'aww...' and watch him until he woke up on his own. The rest of Naruto knew what was hiding underneath that thick cover though and knew better than to waste their alone time just watching.

He didn't go for the bed immediately however, he went for the CD bookcase. The third CD from the left in the middle shelf was Sasuke's horny CD. Naruto had thought it was just messy, like all the others, but Sasuke had said one evening that it almost always got him in the mood. Why Sasuke would have hidden such wonderfully useful information for so long, Naruto couldn't understand, but he was glad he knew now. The CD had been so good for helping Sasuke get over the cranky moods he could get into sometimes, that it had turned into Naruto's horny CD too.

He carefully pried open the CD case and turned on the stereo with an elbow. There came a whirr from the machine as it opened and Naruto replaced one of the CDs already in there with the one in his hand. He set the volume on low first, as that was better to wake up to. They could turn it up later. Sasuke kept the remote control close to his bed.

The music started and Naruto undressed as he walked toward the bed; T-shirt, pants, underwear and socks fell to Sasuke's floor. Naruto sat down on the edge, leaned over and brushed the hair away from Sasuke's neck before pressing a kiss to him.

"Hey," he said softly and smiled as the boyfriend groaned, shifted and buried his head deeper in his pillow. "It's eleven."

Naruto let one of his hands trail Sasuke's form through the comforter and nuzzled his nose into the dark hair and inhaled the wonderful smell of him.

"What have you been dreaming?" Naruto asked. "Can I come in?"

Sasuke grunted and shifted an arm around to his back to untuck the edge of the comforter from under him. Naruto was quick to slip under the cover and his eyes fell shut as his naked skin met Sasuke's. He wrapped his arms around Sasuke and moved as close as he could.

"I missed you," he breathed against the beautiful smooth skin that was Sasuke's throat. "I couldn't even concentrate on the Playstation."

A throaty, tired and amused huff came from Sasuke at that and Naruto smiled. His hands wandered over too obvious hipbones, thighs, ribs and stomach, and between-legs. It was hardening, waking up faster than Sasuke did. Naruto hummed the music streaming softly from the speakers.

"Who gets to be on top today?" he asked, nuzzled under Sasuke's hair again and nibbled on his neck. Then he suddenly smiled against the skin as he remembered how breakfast had reminded him of the first time their family of four had been gathered around a table. This mood now was nothing like the mood the first time he and Sasuke had been in the same room together, but Naruto couldn't help but think of it anyway.

"Can I spear you with my robot?" he grinned against Sasuke's neck.

Sasuke's naked body shook as he snorted his laughter into his pillow. A hand reached around, grabbed Naruto by the neck and squeezed hard but soft.

"Oww..." Naruto made a face but he smiled.

"Idiot," Sasuke grumbled his first real word since he had dumped Naruto for more sleep and then turned to show one dark, half-opened eye. Naruto pulled back just enough that he could look at him.

Two hundred and sixty five days.

It felt like no time at all, and like a century. It felt like the most amazing days ever and a miracle and a dream. Two hundred and sixty five days and Sasuke was here.

"So can I?" Naruto let the fingers of one hand trail down Sasuke's spine and the other wrap around his hardening flesh. Sasuke's eyes closed and he pushed back slightly, slightly against Naruto. Naruto tingled too and pushed forward. When Sasuke's eyes opened again they were narrowed, beautiful and finally awake.

He turned around in Naruto's arms; then his hands were on the move. He grabbed Naruto's hip and his neck and invaded his mouth with his tongue. Naruto invaded back. He slipped a leg between Sasuke's and the boyfriend's warm, naked limbs trapped and squeezed it as he thrust his hips forward. The slippery friction between them drew moans from both their throats.

"Sure," Sasuke murmured when their mouths slipped apart.

Naruto smiled and kissed him again.

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End file.
